Month: January 2018

Lesson 205 ~I Am A Man Remember~

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Go ahead and tell everybody, I don’t know, but for once I’m not focused on the who but more on the what and usually that’s not anything I care to repeat but being a man these days. “I Am A Man Remember,” or I’ll see in the shower.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Lesson 205 ~I Am A Man Remember~

Sixteenth Rule Madam Justice,

“What makes a monster and what makes a man?” ― Clopin, The Bells of Notre Dame (Reprise), from Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

I Am Not Afraid Anymore to say to any further extent that I honestly don’t know, that’s why you’ll see variations of this rule throughout because I am trying to figure it out. Now let me say this, in a moment I will be a hypocrite, I don’t believe neither God nor woman can teach one how to be a man, it’s just not possible.

“Don’t do that. Don’t make the mistake of calling what’s inside me worry. Good men worry. Men like me take care of the problem.” ― Kit Rocha, Beyond Temptation #3.5

See I told you, that’s from a woman, and I have read more erotic literature than most and I ask myself is this what women want, but that’s sort of like being in rehab if you do it for someone else it doesn’t take. Now what about God, Jesus was made flesh correct and yet by today’s standards, traveled with twelve guys, didn’t drink, and of course, he never knew women, and somehow he was the greatest thing ever. As for myself well; I admire 60% of the men I read about, I don’t drink, I hang with a couple of girls, and I have been called some of the most horrible things but what is worse than being a man, being a woman… low.

“A woman is strength.
Not just the giver of life
and all that, but more.
Men don’t even know who they are
until they find the right woman.
Or, for that matter,
if they even want a woman.
But whatever he chooses,
it starts with us.” ― The Brothers (2001)

If a woman is a woman when she gains the ability to give life, is it the same for a man, I do have illusions of being a father one day, and I am to the four-legged ball of instant love. I can go on forever and a day about what I think a man is, but there is too much emphasis on what a man is supposed to be and speaking of my dog, I have said I want to be the man my dog thinks I am. Why not apply, if I had a daughter and she dated maybe a guy like me would I be pleased… ask Indiana Gone, I cook, I clean, I don’t lie, I don’t screw other women, how I want to but she’s not mine, so there’s that.

“Only a fool refuses a woman who offers herself.” ― Miroku’s Past Mistake, Inuyasha, 161

Here’s the question, do I want to be a man pleasing to God, women, my dog, my parents whoever; I have a job, a car, I protect what’s mine, I don’t do drugs, I want to write. I love most animals; I kill spiders, roaches, other creepy crawlers, I read, etc. None of that matters though to any and all, I might even have biology on my side, and just like any math class I just copy the problem over an over *sigh* I might not be great, worthy, right, or just, so be afraid, I Am A Man Remember.

“Mercy is the mark of a great man.

Guess I’m just a good man.

Well, I’m all right.” Shindig, Firefly

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 204 ~It’s The Good Heat~

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Without a doubt fear is the ultimate cold and have I always been this frozen in place, paralyzed, hard, wanting nothing more than soft, warm blankets, my cuddly dog, and a cup of hot cocoa when I’m not too lazy to get up. It’s The Good Heat

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Lesson 204 ~It’s The Good Heat~

To Will:
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, are you ever too lazy for fear, is that what this is or are you too busy trying to keep it in your pants; by the way, good job with that, definitely going on the list. Here’s the question though, what happened to your anger, your passion, and the weather is getting warmer, so you honestly have no excuse for being wrapped up indoors the way you have; yet another thing for the list of six impossible things.

Indeed Hell is not an impossible thing, and maybe I’m too blame with the forced censorship of she who will not be named, is that to blame also for this depression, that you are getting out of this week. Yeah, you’ll have quite an itinerary this week, and I’m sure you’ll be mad enough and man enough because you’re going back to the day job as well. What was that I just mentioned about Hell, that’s just it isn’t it, you can’t stand being cold and I don’t just mean physically but spiritually as well.

You have a heart in there someplace, I know it but what have we been using as fuel nowadays other than your own words and why are looking to hate more, feel lust, not that those are bad things considering where you are. Who was it that said, any place you never leave becomes a prison, and since you don’t feel the house is a home, home is where the heart is, and that’s always with the dog, but he might be a cellmate with your work and depression which isn’t a good thing. My point is you have to find other ways to stay warm without being wrapped up in the covers, hating some stupid bitch and the rest of the world, and porn binging.

Now while finding the Esther to your Benji might be too far I’m thinking that you honestly should start believing six impossible things before breakfast and so those six goals will be the following list:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants, (Day 25 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Go Outside, Not Work Or Walmart, But Starbucks, Bookstore, Library
3. I Will Not Censor Myself
4. I Will Smart Off To Somebody At Work
5. I Will Focus More On The Dog And Actual Pretty Girls
6. I Will Work On My NaNoWriMo Novel

This list seems quite attainable doesn’t it and as I said this must become a thing if life is ever going to get better, take for example you won’t be crawling back under the covers today. Make the bed, eat something, take a shower, and you have four hours of work at the dining room table before you start reading.

Will it’s always time to do the right thing; okay, couldn’t say that with a straight face but as the song goes, get up, get out, and get something started; living, It’s The Good Heat.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 203 ~What’s A Death Sentence~

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What can’t we talk about and why can’t we talk about it, death, doom, pain, madness, and what does it matter who sees, because it’s my fingers on the keys, my words that are not understood by most. What’s A Death Sentence hmm

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Lesson 203 ~What’s A Death Sentence~

“we’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us.”
― Paulo Coelho, from Veronika Decides to Die

Hey Lady Lu
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because to be afraid of itself is just action and this entire week sadly I have been a man of inaction for the most part. You see I stand as a man convicted of nothing more than memories and a promise and come tomorrow I will have fulfilled that promise and will probably write my death sentence.

What promise is that you ask “to not say one more word about…” anyway I have done so, I believe, but even that has now allowed me to live as I should which begs the question, what’s a death sentence. It might be like an unwritten rule and you know I’ve been into writing plenty which might be a problem when I made it out to be the solution, still trusting that writing might be my salvation. You know how I like zombies and how someone is working on a virus right now but you know something, that virus is fear, it is what makes us all The Walking Dead.

It is a prospect that twists in my guts and stops me from doing anything; it is the knife turning in my skull leaking all of the ideas but rendering me incapable of writing. It’s the voice in your head, the whispers, the screams, but most of all the guilt and judgment of those that would make themselves your doctors, your judges, and your God. My dear a death sentence is when you open your mouth to speak and what you hear from others is nothing but laughter as if your life is nothing more than the biggest joke in the world to them all.

“So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause.” ― Padmé, Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

A death sentence is a truth you must bleed for; they say the truth shall set you free, and I would like to add “of the mortal coil.” Yes, a death sentence spells freedom for once you have accepted the fact that you will die, that you will lose everything, and who you are in every breath, what you feel is no longer shame, then there is no fear anymore.

Lady Luna, a death sentence can be as beautiful as a kiss, a moment gasping for air, every drop that leaves the body that represents life, you know what I mean, damn censorship, right? So what have I learned today, that I could be looking at my favorite mistake, indeed who knows, sadly I feel these conversations of ours are just continuing to repeat the question What’s A Death Sentence?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 202 ~Want It In Writing~

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If it’s not said, read, or in bed does it even exists, according to Google it’s there and so I ask myself why am I so afraid it’s there; I wonder how many nerd writers there are because I always think of the technical stuff. “Want It In Writing,” hmm

Friday, January 19, 2018

Lesson 202 ~Want It In Writing~

“It’s funny, isn’t it? Only the white man wants everything put in writing, and only then so he can use it against you in court.” Tom Laughlin, Billy Jack (1971)

Hey Lady Sophia,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, only writing it down doesn’t make it any more valid; to be honest, I expect all of my writing will find its way into court as exhibits a through z, so how can I feel so lazy? Maybe lazy trumps wrong in my eyes and how I hate my writing but I wonder how other people see it, yet another reason to be afraid just didn’t I write that I’m not scared.

I’m always writing because could you imagine where I would be if I said these things… hell, Lady Sophia, I talk about going to trial someday, I’ve been in trouble with the lawman accused of everything from stalking to terrorism, and then people wonder why I don’t write sunshine and lollipops. There is also this idea that I want to be rich but do I have anything fit for Amazon and apparently I don’t have a life worth being remembered and should I die you genuinely think my parents will have any of this stuff published? That’s telling isn’t it, that I believe they are going to outlive me but relax I’m not writing a suicide note, strangely enough, I never have, sleeping pills, Nyquil, other things, am I still looking for something to say?

I don’t know what I would do without writing, and then I go for such long stints without working on my novels and when is the last time I wrote a poem? You know I’ve even signed a contract that I would begin the editing process thanks to NaNoWriMo, and I still have writers looking for reviews, but it all comes down to the same concept, nobody cares and the people that do care… that in itself is a long story. It always comes back to that crucial question why do I write and you don’t know how hard it is because I am in an almost perpetual censor mode because just like real life nobody cares to listen anyway.

There was a time I was a whiny bitch about people paying no attention, and now I stand ready with a box full of matches prepared to burn it all and I don’t even worry about the mass exodus of people. If anything now I lurk in this place Lady Sophia, such is meager existence, and I can only hope that if I do not see stars, I do not see bars, but it’s my life, Want It In Writing?

“Are all nerds as good as you?”
“Yes.”
“How come?”
“’Cause all jocks ever think about is sports, all we ever think about is sex.”
Revenge of the Nerds (1984)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 201 ~So Call Me Maybe~

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Don’t say anything you don’t want people speaking to your mom and your sister, which is why I remain silent; don’t say anything you don’t want a man to say to you in prison, well my writing is getting me in trouble nowadays? “So Call Me Maybe,” worse

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Lesson 201 ~So Call Me Maybe~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, why should I be, I’m not the president, this isn’t every day back at school waiting to say here/present, and in the bedroom well, I’m all alone still what if hmm…

I think I’m sensing a theme, “censoring”; a friend and I were watching “Happy Death Day” and there’s this scene where Jessica Rothe a.k.a. “Tree” is about to have sex, and the guy isn’t talking, but his pleasure dome, his dancing, amongst other things stop that from happening. My friend told me once that once a girl is DTF “Down To Fuck” a guy need only shut up and let it happen… did I just say fuck, would you prefer the term, make love, have sex, knock boots, hell I could go on you know? Is this why we invented kissing, why we struggle to catch our breath, why some men are still cavemen and women speak in tongues perhaps?

“Hey, hey,
y’all calm the fuck up.

Uh-oh.

I said, “Fuck.”

But hell,
we ain’t on the radio

so I’m about to say a whole
lot of shit I ain’t supposed
to say tonight.” Petey Greene, Talk To Me (2007)

Yeah, I’m dirty, perverted, depraved, I’ve burned my own words enough, suppose it keeps me warm. So considering the weather let me help *ahem* slut, whore, bitch, usually used in a variety of phrases and euphemisms along with fuck, little whore, dirty slut, dirty bitch, etc. I’m sure we’ve had this conversation, and how I hate bullying and people calling me stuff and yet I would name any girl this from one night stand to wife, which explains plenty I know it. Not that I have anything against a girl’s name or should I just call her a woman or calling her beautiful, angel, baby, but there is something about language today just saying honestly.

“Hi, I’m the so-called
“fine vagine.”
If that’s the way
you refer to girls,
you and your hand
are going to have
a very lasting relationship.” ― Tree Gelbman/Jessica Roth, from Happy Death Day (2017)

When it comes to a girl calling me anything in the context of a fucking; I haven’t heard anything that has dissuaded me name wise, “fuck me you bastard” works as good as anything else, hell she could be racist I’d probably be down. I also like a woman repeating what I tell her and that was before “Exploited College Girls.” Telling a girl she’s a little whore, and she says it, or even adds on, to it, in a way, saying something like, you like fucking this dirty slut don’t you, etc. Begging is a massive turn on both in the positive and negative, we’ll talk about “Ravishment” at some point. A girl begging me to be fucked or letting me know where she wants cum, even a girl making me plead a little.

“Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?” Marquis de Sade

So it’s been established I have a dirty mouth, and then people ask why am I so quiet and maybe I’ll find someone to be quiet with like everybody else but until I know “her” I’ll dream but is there a chance I’ll change again, sigh So Call Me Maybe.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. ― King James Bible

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 200 ~Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will~

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Do you know anyone that starts the day with, “Let’s Get Ready For Sinning” trust me I don’t though I have to confess? As per usual that by the end of the day I’ll break a few laws, ruffle some feathers, sometimes? Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Lesson 200 ~Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, how can I be, when I can’t decide whether or not I’m the monster, I pray the police don’t come knocking on my door, or hell, the monster might not find me worthy of getting? Perhaps Inspector Echo, I should just skip to the same old sin on a different day because as a new rule there’s, Difference Between Sense And Censor.

So last night I’m hanging in “NanoLand” on Facebook and as usual someone post some wicked story ideas one being the “Locket of Lust,” and they ask the group what would you prefer so yeah I’m always one for lust. Now my comment “Hollywood and Adult Video” only I didn’t say adult video but this is sort of the difference between Trump saying Sh*thole and Sh*thouse, and yeah I’m censoring myself on purpose. “Wow ew. That’s gross. You’re gross,” and in classic Will fashion, I delete my comment, and go through a few agonizing hours of maybe I should just shut up; I’m more ashamed to say I envy Trump because he seems to have no shame whatsoever with all his tweets or comments publicly.

You know what I won’t apologize for, being a writer, wanting to start my own company “Second Circle Creations,” or reading all the dark erotica I can and if that makes me a monster, skeevy, and gross, then so be it. I have plenty of sins that I should find myself arrested for no doubt, from talking blue in the face to blue balls because I am often humiliated and ashamed, but I spent my life living in some make-believe land of love… people change. You know why I don’t fear the critics destroying me because just like last night I will set every word I have to flame and never write again because someone disagrees, disapproves, disallows, and plays judge, jury, and executioner only to find I no longer exist, why I avoid mirrors.

How about the fact that sometimes I comfort myself that I’ve never become anything like Weinstein. I have too much Social Anxiety to speak out loud like Trump, but worse yet, I still feel the need to confess, to explain, how my father would say “you haven’t heard the latest’ and there goes the money shot. Inspector Echo I ask your forgiveness, for yet another stupid comment, for being gross, skeeve, perverted, depraved, and everything else, for having no sense and wanting to censor, for having no courage, for not shutting up, for having fetishes.

I apologize for giving up on one dream for another I would burn to the ground, and also for thinking the worst of others, for my confessions, and explanations and this life of mine, I’m sure there will always be more Comments Trump, Weinstein, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 199 ~I Learned To Remote~

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My DVR is full of things I meant to watch or like any library, full of stories I have yet to see and still, I only gather more, not wanting to let one go because god help me if I watch the news today at some point or find love… “I Learned To Remote.”

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Lesson 199 ~I Learned To Remote~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I’m sure you already know by now you married one big nerd if May 4th doesn’t tip you off every year; of the days I have to remember your birthday, our anniversary, and days that call for chocolate. The DVR will handle the rest because I would prefer to take you out to the movies, the world could use another hero, despite what Tina Turner sang.

Another excellent use for the TV besides us laughing at whatever YouTube has to say, or just the background noise, and the news predicting the end of the world. I suppose whatever we watch you’ll find your way into my arms, someway my love, with a horror flick, in watching a movie based on the book, and hopefully not with you falling asleep… we start the series; we’ll finish it. Is Paw Patrol still a thing, lucky that we found each other because we can take turns watching it with the kids and then be adults crying over fake tigers, and our favorite characters on The Walking Dead, you think?

I must admit to this particular and rare occurrence that happens twice every four years when I become a typical guy and root, root, root for the home team during the Olympics, good thing I found myself a “Cheerleader.” Again with the music player, laugh track, a reason to cuddle up next to you; did I mention that I’m an avid gamer, well whenever my next book hits and I have some downtime. So you ask me what will it take for me to put the remote down period or even to hand it over to you, well did I marry a fangirl or what?

Enough gushing over me and my usual LSV television preferences, you only watch once, unless you’re hopelessly devoted and that might explain why I can’t take my eyes off of you. Was that as cheesy as any love story, does that mean we still have to watch another one, I might stop to ask about the woman I married but seeing as how we’re trying not to use television as some technology adept makeshift babysitter…

Maybe we should watch more TV but I promised you forever and always, and one day I’ll brag to the grandkids with so much new technology, I Learned To Remote.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 198 ~I Take My Own Lumps~

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Pain has plenty of points, something wrong; you’re still alive, you’re stronger because you’re not letting it kill you, the same can be true of a scar, too bad no one can see my scars on the inside, I’d be one badass man I Take My Own Lumps

Monday, January 15, 2018

Lesson 198 ~I Take My Own Lumps~

Fifteenth Rule Madam Justice,

“I’m not a smart man… but I know what love is.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

I Am Not Afraid Anymore; perhaps the truth is my forte *snickers* I feel sort of like Sota from “Sota’s Brave Confession of Love” I am not brawny, reliable, or able to say things outright, but… I take my own lumps. Madam Justice I endure the pain I deserve, the pain I don’t, I pay the price for myself and others, and I feel that is just what a man does, what would I know.

He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young ― When You Were Young

There’s no doubt in my mind that I ain’t Jesus, nowhere near Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, my greatness is definitely in question, but I don’t ask anyone to fight for me or to sacrifice if I am the cross you have to carry then put me down. I was ready to die when I was a child if I wasn’t the person my family wanted then why keep me… love, expectations, investment? Even now much to my shame I’m still not self-sufficient, if I lost everything well, there is a reason I have what I call my Alamo Fund. A way to meet my end with dignity, a five-star hotel, hookers, my favorite foods, and some kick-ass drugs or as the song goes perhaps Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

I’m just an average man, with an average life
I work from nine to five; hey hell, I pay the price
All I want is to be left alone in my average home
But why do I always feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone ― Somebody’s Watching Me
Rockwell

As much as I loathe humanity and I long for the day the dead walk the Earth or maybe Trump will legalize the annual Purge it’s always been about hurting myself rather than anybody. You know it’s stupid I came up with this rule years ago when I wrecked my car against a tree, then drove to work with screwed brakes, and afterward drove to an auto shop, all because I didn’t want to inconvenience, my “father” or my job. Do you want a confession better suited for Echo or Diana; what makes me an incredible sadist is the fact that I’m a fantastic masochist, maybe I get off on my pain and thus when I enjoy the occasion I choose to share it honestly.

I heard on a TV show once; we cannot learn without pain or what about the saying what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… or better start running. Trust me I don’t yearn for adversity, trial, and tribulation, the slings, and arrows but like I told my mother a few days ago as old as I am, I’m growing up, and I’m not that bad, I Take My Own Lumps.

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” ― Martin Luther King, Jr. 1929 – 1968

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 197 ~A Five Star Life~

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Never did I think that I would have as much as I do at this moment, it’s not five stars, but it is a place, it’s comfort, but I still can’t say it’s home, even now I can’t say that it’s my life either. “A Five Star Life,” how I’m trying so hard hmm..

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Lesson 197 ~A Five Star Life~

To Will:
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, just something new I want you to try as you consider what kind of life you want, all five star and such. This week has been all about the numbers right, and you’ll have all week to not think about it, but maybe we should mention last week’s goal, while the past indeed continues to haunt us sadly.

1. You replaced the lightbulb
2. You gave it an honest try at work, “EVOLUTION” does not happen overnight
3. Somehow even Haley Pullos was not enough for you to unzip
4. Thinking is not writing
5. The blog is still somewhat in shambles, (more on that)
6. Talking to a female yes, but no potential bed buddies, no numbers

This week has been all about the numbers, whether it be banking, the hours you’re getting at work, Braxton’s two eyes, or days left with a friend amongst other things. Sleep is for winners, and if you’re going to be up all night long you might as well be doing something productive, idle hands you know, and these words are going to be your salvation, yeah I know, too tired to laugh if you could only cut that stuff out at work. Speaking of cutting things out, I hope you don’t repeat my “Nero” mistake from last night, remember how I said I Am Not Afraid Anymore, I’m going to need you to believe that, just like you have faith in taking that next breath. It was like something off of GTA, when crime nets you five stars, but it was worst back then six.

Remember the blog is still in shambles, and I moved all the work back to the old one, and then I was afraid, “she who would not be named” would see, and we would lose everything. Not to mention, cops, restraining orders, firings, bringing me back to absolute zero. The only zero is her, no more thoughts, no more time, no more cares, I mean no worries, three little birds, “Two Fux” and everything in-between. Will, you can’t afford to build an empire in minutes and then spend half the night burning it down to the ground for one bitch.

Maybe that should be this week’s goal, to not say one more word about some whack-ass, no-respect-giving bitch, I could continue and of course debate this, being the guy I am but that’s just it, you’re not me today. Every week the overall goal is for you to be a better man, to live a life worth having an may Braxton keep his two eyes and not go blind from Cataracts so he can see it one day not someday.

No more “she who will not be named” no more wasting time, you’ll have to work don’t you know to have A Five Star Life.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 196 ~A Sight To See~

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The look of love, although I’m sure all the treats and getting to sleep in my bed helps as well, and if I have to be a seeing eye man for him than so be, I’m just upset that the world is such an ugly and scary place to see. “A Sight To See,” one day…

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Lesson 196 ~A Sight To See~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, it will all be there tomorrow, that’s what I tell my dog all the time when he’s in a rush for his walk or to go outside and play, it will all be there tomorrow. Maybe it’s a bad habit, pushing for tomorrow when there is only today and who knows what tomorrow bring; didn’t I already say once, leave every problem to tomorrow, make your troubles run from you.

It helps when you can see them, yes I’m still thinking about the bitch with a blog, hell I’m nevertheless thinking about my blog, one-hundred and ninety-six days in and I always feel the need to explain myself. If I could only see myself the way my son sees me and who knows how long that will last as I just got the news yesterday, the vet says my son is starting to develop cataracts. Trust me, Lady Luna, I hate the look of this world, to quote the president “shithole” see I’m good enough to be president though that isn’t a good thing anymore.

I want to show my kid, yeah he’s thirteen now which is maybe sixty-eight in dog years, last I checked and hope but anyway I want him to see a world that we don’t have to be afraid of; hell at least he dares to see it. There is no such luck for me, you know I’m one for definitions of Hell and here are a few more, Hell is despising who you see in the mirror, it’s condemning who other people see when they look at you, it’s finding yourself stuck, frozen, lake Cocytus. Lady Luna, Hell is people leaving, it’s so close to something you desire and knowing you’ll never have it. Indeed it’s a fire that burns in all the wrong ways.

The thing is I still want to see it, I want him to see it, but I can’t help, but wonder has it passed us by, is it only in our heads, why is it I love the darkness, but I would want to end it all if I ever went blind? Wouldn’t it be something if we all could see through the eyes of those who love us, imagine how we would feel then?

That is what I have learned today, I look at him, and from the first moment I have loved him, cared for him, and I would be his eyes if he needs me to be, now if only I cared to see myself, would I become A Sight To See?

I Will Have No Fear