Lesson 211 ~Here’s To The F-Words~

WillLeave a comment

Well, which one shouldn’t I say Fear is always a no-no but what about fair, no not me, or friends, be my guest; forget failure or epic fails. Still, I might be fired soon, *gulp*. Here’s To The F-Words and the one that seems to be avoiding me always.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Lesson 211 ~Here’s To The F-Words~

To Will:
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, but a lie has always tasted better than the truth, but I wouldn’t feed it to you, not purposely or deliberately but then you would go hungry wouldn’t you? Hunger, back to the wall, surrounded, it’s enough to make one scream the F-Word, yes I’m back to censoring myself but what exactly am I leaving you with after the week that I’ve had, you know it’s not fair.

Fair, life is not fair, isn’t that what they say and that’s the truth, but we’ll get to that, but even Billie Jean roared “Fair Is Fair” and what happened to her? Fired though that was only in effigy, whatever would become of you if you got canned this week and for what, because you refuse to make friends or have fun. Friends and fun are words that you would never use to describe work, and there is one excellent F-Word for the guy that runs the place but wouldn’t that just make you a failure, like me, with everything that happened and didn’t last week, those goals of ours.

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants, (Day 25 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed Day 32
2. I Will Go Outside, Not Work Or Just Walmart, But Starbucks, Bookstore, Library
Failed
3. I Will Not Censor Myself
Failed
4. I Will Smart Off To Somebody At Work
Completed (HR)
5. I Will Focus More On The Dog And Pretty Girls
Failed (Depression)
6. I Will Work On My NaNoWriMo Novel
Failed

Fail, no an Epic Fail as the kids say these days and what can I say about number four, after everything that happens during the workday to me and the moment I choose to stand I leave you on the brink of war, I’m sorry. Fear is not something I want for you but it is here, and it will be waiting later on this week so is that another goal, indeed that is the all-consuming goal for your life or the life you want to have. Forget everything that has happened to me this week, but that will be next to impossible I know but do, that’s what we strive to do now name those six impossible things Will:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants, (Day 32 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Keep Working The Day Job Despite Everything
3. I Will Not Spend A Full Day In Bed (Not More Than 8 Hours In 24)
4. I Will Forget About Last Week
5. I Will Focus More On The Dog And Pretty Girls
6. I Will Work On My NaNoWriMo Novel

What more can I ask of you, that you will have a future because I already said I want you to forget about me and does that make me a hypocrite wanting you to erase the past but without it, without me, you don’t have a future? Future you’ll have one, but this shouldn’t just be about what I want you to do for me but something for you, I can’t say what makes you happy because you’re still trying to discover such a thing.

So go and look and if not for then for the dog, he needs more treats anyway and who knows you might make it through this week without a certain F-Word but, to be honest Will, Here’s To The F-Words.

“Promise me you’ll find it.”

“Find what?”

“The life of a Victor.” Mockingjay Part 2

I Will Have No Fear

DIRECTOR, Producer, Lover, Oh My

WillLeave a comment

A reader is to a voyeur as a writer is to an exhibitionist, with some books we’re alone in the dark but with “The Director” talk about lights, camera, action; looking through this author’s eyes is just extraordinary. DIRECTOR, Producer, Lover, Oh My

So filled by terror, there wasn’t room for shame or modesty while baring every part of myself to strangers. ― The Director, Lily White (2017)

The lack of the author’s fear is what impressed me the most with this title, no shame, no modesty, plenty of terror and nothing to apologize for, though I’m still not giving it five stars, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t wonderfully wicked. A work like this is supposed to make you feel it, to see it, to make it believable and this. Honestly, I wish I could see it on my bookshelf; I hope I could see it on the big screen just saying, I’ve probably seen it in porn here or there I’m sure.

I saw once that we read to know that we’re not alone and I look at my writing, my life, and see the flack I take for it, but again Lily White doesn’t give a rat’s behind she shines the camera directly in your face and dares you not to look away. Maybe that should scare some people but I’ve never published anything like this and she did it, how I would like to know what was going through her head at the time of this but maybe I should focus more on Emma Hart. Now I won’t say the story is somewhat original but this fictional work does give a peek into an all too real world, mentally, physically and the line between right and wrong; yeah wrong and yet I read on indeed.

It’s the usual state of affairs, good girl, bad boy, and if you’re a fan of the dark erotica genre you can pretty much guess what happens next, but it is still well worth the read. No BDSM because such a practice involves rules while the sexual escapades in this are anything goes, and as Jigsaw would say, there will be blood and not just that of the victims. I was also quite fascinated with the artist, and I don’t just mean the author but “The Director,” and it calls into question what would we do to express art in such a form as this.

That’s what got me the most about Ethan Cole, keeping in mind the crime and the evil it was revealing humanity, how easy it is to toss it away and then pick it right back up but maybe we shouldn’t be able to. Speaking of which I didn’t want to put this down, but that’s like being one of the people behind the camera, however, could I continue to look.

Well first let’s start with the hero and villain, no those are the wrong words, the victim and the artist, “beauty and the beast,” I could go on, for now, let’s just say Emma and Ethan/The Director. For such dark subject matter, I found myself transfixed with the beauty of it all from the scenes Ethan shot, to the evolution of both characters and there is a moment that will break your heart entirely devastating.

Emma starts out as the typical woman, what is that wrong to say, walks out on a date with a man only to end up with several worse ones, and the devil himself Ethan. It’s with him that she is forced to evolve or maybe forced is too much counting the fact that she eventually understands where he is coming from, let’s hear it for Stockholm Syndrome of course. From victim to a warrior, to lover Emma pretty much goes through the usual story progression but the ending I have seen in a few stories.

Ethan, now usually I find myself falling in love with the victim but Ethan; I feel like I know him well, any artist and it doesn’t matter which kind whose heard no you don’t do that because it’s risqué, people won’t understand, are you crazy will relate to him. Yes, he’s a monster, but if Emma can fall in love, I can look at the guy as living the dream and after all Emma would become his masterpiece to be sure. What about the lies, I’ve seen those from the most innocent of things like “The Giver” when it comes to our life’s work our creations and the fact that we live such boring lives, seriously Ethan makes good points.

I was also all about the voyeurism and exhibitionism, along with ravishment concepts and it makes me feel somewhat taken aback but then the author wrote this, it’s a fetish to many, and even shows that say this is brutal still show it. Anyway, the focus stays mainly on Emma and Ethan and any other characters are merely extras, like on Ethan’s stage there is only a man and woman.

I can honestly say it’s a four out of five stars and leave it at that, compelling and wholly visceral but comes just short of that spark but honestly a favorite. Also spoilers ahead but as I so often state, in this genre, it always follows the same formula and if we’re lucky a twist here or there, though not The Director so much honestly.

When it comes to stories like this, there is usually a span of a few days, months, a year, but the fact that story looked like it could use a montage of Emma in action. It makes the book seemed rushed by the end, not surprising, not unexpected just quick, though the revelations brought out the artist in me and what would you do with no inhibitions? In a way in reminds me these true-life stories of survival, Lily White’s tale could easily be on the evening news, with her heroine Emma recounting the horror.

Though the most heartbreaking portion wasn’t Emma at all and I won’t spoil it but that twist, talk about being a killer. The idea that even in Hell the concepts of mercy, compassion, even humor are allowed to exist even amongst all the sex and death that prevail overall. What about the bad guy winning, in these stories the villain always finds a sure way to love but I’m not just talking about Ethan, and you’ll have to read to know more about that part.

You know what you’re getting into, a broken heart and the typical ending but the lights, the camera, the action, there is a reason that porn is continually evolving, and your tastes may change by certain degrees with this title. For better or worse, this is honestly so much better; Lily White is an incredible author and this work wow DIRECTOR, Producer, Lover, Oh My.

Lesson 210 ~You’ll Fill Them Someday~

WillLeave a comment

I had a dream a week ago, and now that vision threatens to end the others, but things change; Thursday I had two siblings, and today it’s official I have three, a younger half-brother. “You’ll Fill Them Someday,” holes in my wallet and life

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Lesson 210 ~You’ll Fill Them Someday~

“In peace, nothing so becomes a man as modesty and humility, but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with rage and lend the eye a terrible aspect.” ― Kevin Costner, The Postman (1997)

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because it seems to me that I have spent my life in a graveyard; my dreams have foreseen this, but I am still not a prophet but a gravedigger instead. These days I am filled with so much, I don’t know what and usually this would be the part of the story where I stop eating and just lay down and die, and yet I continue, and that begs the question what’s with the hole or holes?

I’ll fill them someday, with so many tears but what am I crying for, well not yet anyway I’m too tired to bawl, tired of being lied to, of being attacked, how about scared as much as I try to deny it, or just being tired. My father cheating on my mom, having another brother or sister, I could be valuable, and hours later the general manager is calling me “cancerous,” hating and needing my job at the same time, and spending days in bed. You know what pushed me out of bed today, it is rage pure and simple, for all that I wish that love could do, it’s hate that got me moving, and that’s sad I know.

Later on today I’m going to try and bury it down but hate is like a horde of zombies, they just won’t stop, and you learn to endure. My hate won’t disappear; how many words does it take to bury it, them, me, I write, I’ll fill another blank page with words and what will it accomplish; dare I dismiss the value of words? How I know their power and what I write today will be a form of necromancy, but again I give myself too much credit, dreams told me I would have troubles at work, and now I’m digging the hole even lower, and maybe that’s it, I’m alive in the grave maybe.

“That’s the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do, and then, we get to live. But no matter what we find in DC, I know we’ll be okay. Because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves… that we are the walking dead.” Rick Grimes

A hole has one purpose Lady Luna, and that’s to know fullness, mouths with words, eyes with beauty, blank pages with the truth; I’m telling the truth today, and nobody will hear it, god this will make more holes than fill them up. How many times have I buried myself, I can see Heaven and yet I have not had my feet on solid ground in I don’t know how long. But I keep digging, standing on all my corpses, hoping one day that this holes I’ve created, I tell myself, You’ll Fill Them Someday.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 209 ~For The Write Man~

WillLeave a comment

Words against words, why must we humans create wars with everything that we touch, if it weren’t for certain “aspects” I swear I could take a vow of silence like some monks because if you don’t have anything nice to say? “For The Write Man”

Friday, January 26, 2018

Lesson 209 ~For The Write Man~

Hey Lady Sophia
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, even when I know my name is on some form somewhere, or at least I hope it is; I’ve always thought my future will know fruition along a sentence or two, hopefully not a prison one. With everything, I have ever written, and with everything I have ever said, I still find myself striving to find the right ones, not that I have anything against lust or wrath, or what I would call “love” to be sure.

This week’s words haven’t been right at all and no I’m not talking about the general manager, those words were kick ass, I had a backbone. I suppose I’m trying to drown out the others, the police reports, work, the bitch and don’t worry I think I have spoken enough about how much my writing has cursed me in days long gone. All the same, people fear silence, and it’s enough to drive one insane; tell me a story, but it has to be the story I want to hear.

Part of the reason I’m a reviewer or I should be, I’ve been falling behind with that too, and it dawns on me that I’m not the right man for the job because I say what I usually think in the laziest way possible. Let’s not kid ourselves, Lady Sophia, none of us are right to judge that’s why we specialize in execution; I saw that Larry Nassar got sentenced, according to his story he did nothing wrong, to so many others of course he did, the people believe, hell I agree. My point is what story do we choose to hear, to concur with, the man wrote his own, wrong as it is and yet silence is unwanted honestly.

You have the right to remain silent, how I look at those words now, at my job I don’t but at the same time you don’t have the right, to speak the truth, so let me take a page from Ernest Hemingway. We’re not friends but enemies, I hate you, I despise you, I will never forgive you, and you are a waste of air for all of our humanity.

I won’t ever say those words to him Lady Sophia but that’s my story for him, my review, and I’m sure there are many of me, but he is the wrong man to say this to and as for me *sigh* For The Write Man.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 208 ~Ahead Of The Game~

WillLeave a comment

When everything you say is wrong all you have to do is find a girl for answers, although to be honest I’m not that coherent during, and if I am, then it’s time to find a new girl… no filter right? Ahead Of The Game.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Lesson 208 ~Ahead Of The Game~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because some things render me speechless, e.g., blowjobs and even that I have an opinion about, yes I’m a hypocrite, this is true. First because last week I talked about getting loud, second the cock wants what it wants, and thirdly somebody put something in his mouth my zipper’s stuck, still thinking about that bastard from a few days ago; worried?

“Somebody put something in his mouth. My zipper’s stuck.” Martin Lawrence

Strange that I think about getting head when the last thing I want to do is reminisce, or in this case thinking with the little head instead of the big one… two birds one stone. What I mean is a release of one will lead to peace for the other, it’s hard to do anything in such a state, drive a car, hate your fellow man, or worry about anything at all. So while I’m trying not to indulge someone I despise, what about what I like in a girl, that would be a better use of my time right?

As the song goes, give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair, seriously I had a massive thing for Amandla Stenberg in “Everything, Everything” and then I saw her with a shaved head and dammit did that not negate everything else. Am I that shallow, I could be as bad as Ted Mosby that’s mad because a girl doesn’t pick up the check, or Blake who thinks he’s so disgusting that Erin can’t stand to look at him. Perhaps Catherine trying to imagine someone attractive in “Cruel Intentions 2”, that might have sucked. I’m not as depraved as to think about glory holes and paying for it… well, hopefully, I’m still gainfully employed now.

So where was I, long hair, I have a thing for brunettes, and a girl looking at me while she’s in the act, it honestly takes me to another place, the sound of silence or at least no words, more than words as another song goes. My favorite has to be that Katniss Everdeen braids style from The Hunger Games, ponytails, pigtails, but then we’re going into cosplay, and other fetishes and again my big head is much too dense, and my little head will be much too full dealing.

Is the lesson today that people should learn to shut their mouths in one way or another or that people naturally suck or are masters so Ahead Of The Game?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 207 ~How To Cure Cancer~

WillLeave a comment

It’s not a secret, but apparently, it is a sin, I’m sure many people out there like or even love their jobs, and as for the rest of us, that’s what a man does, sometimes it means working, sometimes it means lies. How To Cure Cancer, do we, DO WE

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Lesson 207 ~How To Cure Cancer~

“He’s poison for the morale of the unit, and a disaster to the success of this mission.”
― Hot Shots

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I saw this coming and I find it funny that I’ve said that if I were to die and come back, I’d like to be a plague so maybe this isn’t my first time at the rodeo. Not my first time being yelled at, being worried about my job amongst other things, my first time staring into the abyss but “you’re cancerous to this team, points for creativity; where to start?

“May my mercy prevail over my wrath” The Walking Dead

I have allowed hatred and wrath to infect me once again; people talk about forgiveness being a cure but time works too and how much of that do I have left? It only took two hours, so I was at the day job, and the general manager was praising the team for a job well done and in appreciation offered to ask the group to lunch. Two hours later as I’m working, he comes over and as is “Cracker Barrel okay” to which I respond “it doesn’t matter, I’m not going,” no means no, right?

So he gives me this look and says “why not, you have something to do” and following one of the weekly goals I say “I’ll find something” talk about being a man for once in my life and people don’t like that not one bit. He went off on me, and I let him, my spine breaking… or maybe not, I still walked out and didn’t go, I have informed HR, and now several people know that a war is coming, talk about “It’s The Good Heat.” So am I apologizing for actually speaking up for myself, my lack of courage at that particular moment or to you for exorcising my demons confessing like this?

The stress is killing me, or so I hope which is yet another one of my sins and my embarrassment, sometimes dare I suggest it men are the weaker of the species, I’m hurting, and I made a mistake of going to WebMD. Appendicitis, hell any real medical emergency and game over for me but other than my usual sleeping and vomiting words I’m okay.

Perhaps this is the sin I must apologize for the most, thinking that this life is okay but how will I know absolution, that’s not something you can give me and not something I will ask for from the man I despise. One more sin before I go, I told Indiana Gone I think I know in the smallest way how some victims of sexual violence feel. The fear of telling, thinking as though you have no choice, just instead of spreading my legs/butt cheeks, this guy wanted me to let him into my mind and that I will not do.

So I’m sorry but I will not die today and though there are many theories to my question, Inspector Echo I’m sorry but I’m Radioactive, and I’m sorry that this virus of fear and hate needs an answer before wondering How To Cure Cancer.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 206 ~Husband, Then Again Yes~

WillLeave a comment

What the man wants and what the house needs, a softer bed and 800 thread count sheets or a new water heater, the PS4 or shrimp in movies for the girl, putting myself together or getting my house in order? “Husband, Then Again Yes”

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Lesson 206 ~Husband, Then Again Yes~

Dear Future Wife,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because I knew better and if I have learned anything from most television shows; repairers, plumbers, electricians, and others can fix the house. As for myself, I can cook breakfast, I can replace a few batteries, I can even build a coffee table over the span of two days, but the two things I’m not fixing is my dog and your heart because I love you both, plus no instruction manual included.

They say that you must build a Heaven for an angel and if I were a religious man or an NSYNC fan, “(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time on You” how about Backstreet Boys, talk about playlists I’ve meant to fix. Anyway angels I think are sorely needed on Earth, and so we find ourselves here, and if I can’t build you a home, I can at least let you decorate the one we will discover together. I expect Heaven can be quite expensive, that’s why I try my hands at other things, but I do hope you like dog hair so that you know, my furry kid.

Speaking of children well the possible two-legged ones, I can’t install a water heater, but I can pay for one, I like my internet too, and while I’m not sure where I’ll stand on Santa, if he shows up he will have a roof to land on without a doubt. I must sound like I’m defending my cave but anywhere I have you by my side is considered home and hey I just live here, love here, grow old with you right here or wherever there are excellent schools, and a beach or a beautiful yard, and it’s devilishly warm.

A heart is a house for love, and it don’t take much to find a player to fill our home with music, and a man must have his games, and his study, notice I said “study” and not a man cave, the dog must also have his space. I know it sounds like a lot has to be fixed up, and maybe I’m more put together myself just being here with you; if I didn’t make it clear before, I’ll never break your heart because what kind of man would I be… with better music.

No, I’m not handy compared to others and as much as I wish I could be every man, Superman, to be your lover, your best friend, Husband… Then Again Yes.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 205 ~I Am A Man Remember~

WillLeave a comment

Go ahead and tell everybody, I don’t know, but for once I’m not focused on the who but more on the what and usually that’s not anything I care to repeat but being a man these days. “I Am A Man Remember,” or I’ll see in the shower.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Lesson 205 ~I Am A Man Remember~

Sixteenth Rule Madam Justice,

“What makes a monster and what makes a man?” ― Clopin, The Bells of Notre Dame (Reprise), from Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

I Am Not Afraid Anymore to say to any further extent that I honestly don’t know, that’s why you’ll see variations of this rule throughout because I am trying to figure it out. Now let me say this, in a moment I will be a hypocrite, I don’t believe neither God nor woman can teach one how to be a man, it’s just not possible.

“Don’t do that. Don’t make the mistake of calling what’s inside me worry. Good men worry. Men like me take care of the problem.” ― Kit Rocha, Beyond Temptation #3.5

See I told you, that’s from a woman, and I have read more erotic literature than most and I ask myself is this what women want, but that’s sort of like being in rehab if you do it for someone else it doesn’t take. Now what about God, Jesus was made flesh correct and yet by today’s standards, traveled with twelve guys, didn’t drink, and of course, he never knew women, and somehow he was the greatest thing ever. As for myself well; I admire 60% of the men I read about, I don’t drink, I hang with a couple of girls, and I have been called some of the most horrible things but what is worse than being a man, being a woman… low.

“A woman is strength.
Not just the giver of life
and all that, but more.
Men don’t even know who they are
until they find the right woman.
Or, for that matter,
if they even want a woman.
But whatever he chooses,
it starts with us.” ― The Brothers (2001)

If a woman is a woman when she gains the ability to give life, is it the same for a man, I do have illusions of being a father one day, and I am to the four-legged ball of instant love. I can go on forever and a day about what I think a man is, but there is too much emphasis on what a man is supposed to be and speaking of my dog, I have said I want to be the man my dog thinks I am. Why not apply, if I had a daughter and she dated maybe a guy like me would I be pleased… ask Indiana Gone, I cook, I clean, I don’t lie, I don’t screw other women, how I want to but she’s not mine, so there’s that.

“Only a fool refuses a woman who offers herself.” ― Miroku’s Past Mistake, Inuyasha, 161

Here’s the question, do I want to be a man pleasing to God, women, my dog, my parents whoever; I have a job, a car, I protect what’s mine, I don’t do drugs, I want to write. I love most animals; I kill spiders, roaches, other creepy crawlers, I read, etc. None of that matters though to any and all, I might even have biology on my side, and just like any math class I just copy the problem over an over *sigh* I might not be great, worthy, right, or just, so be afraid, I Am A Man Remember.

“Mercy is the mark of a great man.

Guess I’m just a good man.

Well, I’m all right.” Shindig, Firefly

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 204 ~It’s The Good Heat~

WillLeave a comment

Without a doubt fear is the ultimate cold and have I always been this frozen in place, paralyzed, hard, wanting nothing more than soft, warm blankets, my cuddly dog, and a cup of hot cocoa when I’m not too lazy to get up. It’s The Good Heat

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Lesson 204 ~It’s The Good Heat~

To Will:
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, are you ever too lazy for fear, is that what this is or are you too busy trying to keep it in your pants; by the way, good job with that, definitely going on the list. Here’s the question though, what happened to your anger, your passion, and the weather is getting warmer, so you honestly have no excuse for being wrapped up indoors the way you have; yet another thing for the list of six impossible things.

Indeed Hell is not an impossible thing, and maybe I’m too blame with the forced censorship of she who will not be named, is that to blame also for this depression, that you are getting out of this week. Yeah, you’ll have quite an itinerary this week, and I’m sure you’ll be mad enough and man enough because you’re going back to the day job as well. What was that I just mentioned about Hell, that’s just it isn’t it, you can’t stand being cold and I don’t just mean physically but spiritually as well.

You have a heart in there someplace, I know it but what have we been using as fuel nowadays other than your own words and why are looking to hate more, feel lust, not that those are bad things considering where you are. Who was it that said, any place you never leave becomes a prison, and since you don’t feel the house is a home, home is where the heart is, and that’s always with the dog, but he might be a cellmate with your work and depression which isn’t a good thing. My point is you have to find other ways to stay warm without being wrapped up in the covers, hating some stupid bitch and the rest of the world, and porn binging.

Now while finding the Esther to your Benji might be too far I’m thinking that you honestly should start believing six impossible things before breakfast and so those six goals will be the following list:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants, (Day 25 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Go Outside, Not Work Or Walmart, But Starbucks, Bookstore, Library
3. I Will Not Censor Myself
4. I Will Smart Off To Somebody At Work
5. I Will Focus More On The Dog And Actual Pretty Girls
6. I Will Work On My NaNoWriMo Novel

This list seems quite attainable doesn’t it and as I said this must become a thing if life is ever going to get better, take for example you won’t be crawling back under the covers today. Make the bed, eat something, take a shower, and you have four hours of work at the dining room table before you start reading.

Will it’s always time to do the right thing; okay, couldn’t say that with a straight face but as the song goes, get up, get out, and get something started; living, It’s The Good Heat.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 203 ~What’s A Death Sentence~

WillLeave a comment

What can’t we talk about and why can’t we talk about it, death, doom, pain, madness, and what does it matter who sees, because it’s my fingers on the keys, my words that are not understood by most. What’s A Death Sentence hmm

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Lesson 203 ~What’s A Death Sentence~

“we’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us.”
― Paulo Coelho, from Veronika Decides to Die

Hey Lady Lu
I Am Not Afraid Anymore because to be afraid of itself is just action and this entire week sadly I have been a man of inaction for the most part. You see I stand as a man convicted of nothing more than memories and a promise and come tomorrow I will have fulfilled that promise and will probably write my death sentence.

What promise is that you ask “to not say one more word about…” anyway I have done so, I believe, but even that has now allowed me to live as I should which begs the question, what’s a death sentence. It might be like an unwritten rule and you know I’ve been into writing plenty which might be a problem when I made it out to be the solution, still trusting that writing might be my salvation. You know how I like zombies and how someone is working on a virus right now but you know something, that virus is fear, it is what makes us all The Walking Dead.

It is a prospect that twists in my guts and stops me from doing anything; it is the knife turning in my skull leaking all of the ideas but rendering me incapable of writing. It’s the voice in your head, the whispers, the screams, but most of all the guilt and judgment of those that would make themselves your doctors, your judges, and your God. My dear a death sentence is when you open your mouth to speak and what you hear from others is nothing but laughter as if your life is nothing more than the biggest joke in the world to them all.

“So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause.” ― Padmé, Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith

A death sentence is a truth you must bleed for; they say the truth shall set you free, and I would like to add “of the mortal coil.” Yes, a death sentence spells freedom for once you have accepted the fact that you will die, that you will lose everything, and who you are in every breath, what you feel is no longer shame, then there is no fear anymore.

Lady Luna, a death sentence can be as beautiful as a kiss, a moment gasping for air, every drop that leaves the body that represents life, you know what I mean, damn censorship, right? So what have I learned today, that I could be looking at my favorite mistake, indeed who knows, sadly I feel these conversations of ours are just continuing to repeat the question What’s A Death Sentence?

I Will Have No Fear