Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Lesson 038 ~Rage, Rage, Against The…~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear though I was sweating bullets today, I’m still not getting the whole “no fear” prospect but I am trying; yeah tell that to the spider web I hit or to the dog I almost lost right? How about the fact that I’m still up and about talking to you, would I call this work, writing is work, opening myself up to you is work, and the fear never ever stops.

It’s a process but I am answering people back, trying to abandon the caveman antics, still no roar as of late but is my neck supposed to hurt this much? To think the one word that was repeating in my brain other than rage was “Hustle” and the first thing I do after walking Braxton is pass out. Fear is as tiring as rage and while I can name a thousand and one things to be afraid of what the Hell am I actually raging against, so is today’s lesson.

2.66 Billion Dollars or so, don’t ask me where I got that number or why I looked it up but that’s a high price for my rage right, what for, what do I want? I heard somewhere ‘satisfaction is the death of desire’ and desire if anything makes us human, the difference between want and need. Even now, Luna, it wouldn’t be enough and that’s what scares me; am I raging against not having what I want, maybe against the feelings I’m having at all, is it against myself, others.

Rage against the dying of the light, Dylan Thomas said this but I ask you what is that light, it could be as simple as me falling asleep, it could be the fires of Hell. I swear you must be getting sick of me and “the incident” but the moment I forget is the moment it repeats again and again.

“That’s the thing with dames, sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets later there’s no way you’d know.” – from the movie Sin City (2005)

Watched a girl at work cry today, rage, tears, more rage, and resolve, like watching a flame, people talk about fire as if it’s one thing or another but at the end of the day fire does one thing, it burns but you got to feed it, without a doubt. I don’t think I’ve ever cried because of a woman, not really my aunt was murdered and I cried because it was expected but justice had been done, there was no need for anymore rage.

I wonder about that girl, will she keep it or let it go, we must never let go of the fire Lu, remember that in all its forms we must never let go period for what is left but darkness then? This darkness I know but I have never been able to stay, every time the light returns and I ask myself what will it be today, and for right now the heat reminds me of a fever a virus. What it worked for “28 Days Later”, so does that mean this will eventually burn itself out, do tears work?

My father makes me cry all the time and that has never quenched me of my hatred, tears can be freeing (amongst other fluids) but in the end, there is always that fire. Monks find inner peace because they cut themselves off from the world and even the best of us only dilute it in other ways… yeah, alcohol has mixed results. So we rage, rage against the dying of the light because the alternative is so much worse honestly.

“Hey, that light? At the end of the tunnel? Guess what? That’s not heaven…

That’s the C train!” – Daredevil (2003)

My rage will not bring back her light, you know, even her nickname feels me with fear but my rage will keep the thought of her and will keep me working. Rage can warm your bed just as easily as love, but isn’t that the difference between Hell and Heaven?

“What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient… highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it’s almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed – fully understood – that sticks; right in there somewhere.” – Cobb, Inception (2010)

That’s what this is, for now, fuel, keep the fire going and when there is no longer rage, something will replace it, the light will not be dying. Maybe it will be warmer, sweeter, maybe it will burn away the past, maybe I will just find a way to manage you know, let it burn.

“Here is your final lesson – do not commit the crime for which you now serve the sentence. God said, “Vengeance is mine.”

I don’t believe in God.

It doesn’t matter. He believes in you.” The Count of Monte Cristo

Relax Luna this is not our final lesson together but I long for the day that my rage does subside; don’t underestimate the power of words but you would think that a mean name, being abandoned, and forgotten so easily would be child’s play. Even before ‘her’ rage has been all there is, I mean what else has there been you tell me, and I don’t want to go back to being afraid all the time. If I lose the light again who knows what will become of me, I mean Braxton is my light in a way if it wasn’t for him, would I…

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

My little Braxton is great but maybe some pretty girl will come along and get me all hot and bothered for a completely different reason and it won’t cost me 2.66 billion, my heart would be a bargain. Maybe it will be my success, the spotlight, or movie screen, my own island, plenty of warm light sources. Perhaps instead of burning with hate, what’s her face will be a frozen moment of embarrassment, yes I get plenty of those and I’ll just shake her off.

“Well, you know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.” 500 Days of Summer (2009)

So what have I learned today, stuff I already know… rage takes plenty out of you, the biggest badass can freak out, that the light is whatever you make of it? Rage, rage, and then rage, even more, keep carrying the fire because you must honestly Rage, Rage, Against The…