Tag: Future

Chronicle 021 ~The Letter B Moves~

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What’s doing more blinking, the cursor on the page or my eyes. B’s who I miss the most right now, but that’s not what my book is saying. I can’t fail B this month as I did in January, but that requires me to get up and move. The Letter B Moves

Thursday, July 22, 2021

Chronicle 021 ~The Letter B Moves~

172 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Should I even try to tell you about mine? No, I haven’t even lived it.

Today is Tuesday, and I’m trying to stay ahead. Do you remember when you were sick? You don’t want to, right but let me get this out. If I could do it again, B III, I’d pick you up and rush you to Banfield Hospital right this second. Could they have saved you B III? Yeah, because I was much too busy. It’s been the theme of this week. There is so much to do, and when I have time, what do I do. Today I had to talk to two of the girls and get to writing your novel. We’ll get to that, but I believe you know what the answer is Triple B.
You’re not sitting under the table or in my lap.

All the time in the world B, and money, Ha. How many times did you hear me talking about writing? Now instead of books, I want to go right back to bed. It’s a miracle that I even got to the table today. Of course, by the time you read this, I’ll be right back there. Yes, the Day Job remains horrible, which is one of the reasons I am writing to you today. It’s like anyone asking me there, “How are you?” I should say “Pissed” and then “Wait.” It’s only a matter of moments before THEY do something to fulfill such a prophecy. “Daddy, what about me?” I hear you, Braxton; I do, but like the novel, I’m writing. Nothing moves anymore, son.

If it hadn’t been 172 Days, I would think you left only yesterday. I was telling Dear Future Wife, the mom you’ll never get to know, that the tears I continue to shed are cleansing. Um, it’s like I’m in ice, nothing can get to me between, bed, boobs, and you B III it’s cold. Braxton sometimes, I melt, and I go everywhere. It’s as if I overflow, but then there’s not enough of me to fill up any glass. The bed’s not going anywhere, and neither are you. I miss being a monk; that’s how you always were, my Pancake. I haven’t eaten anything. I have to keep the cursor moving; I don’t want to fall even further behind. Trying, The Letter B Moves.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 016 ~Braxton Takes An L~

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Fear, Failure, and other effing words wake me up more than any sort of joy. That joy, of course, had a name, Braxton. What do you call someone who loses? No, B III didn’t lose because when his life was over, who made that happen. Braxton Takes The L.

Saturday, July 17, 2021

Chronicle 016 ~Braxton Takes An L~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m still working at a loss with Braxton being gone. Live, Laugh, Love, not me.

I don’t Live because I’m afraid. Lady Luna, you don’t know how sick and tired I am. It’s being afraid every single day. Is today going to be one of THOSE days? Yes, I’m afraid so after yesterday. Oh, I gave it the good ole college try; when it came to the novel. 1400 words. It was the Day Job, Lu, but I suppose I should be grateful. Start every day with gratitude, THEY say. I didn’t have to walk to the Day Job, yet I spent the entire day terrified. You can’t have one without the other like always; stupidity and humanity, sigh, me. It’s the fact that I can’t do Drive-Thru Pick-Ups? How I closed the Online Pick-Up room to hide from people?

And THEY Laugh at my need for some Emotional Support. At least all the focus would have been on Braxton. I would Laugh at myself if I thought that any of this would get any better for me, Luna. Giving one customer their order isn’t some Twist In My Sobriety. A cure for my anxiety, No, I’m still sweating from the thought of it. I’m screwing up my Six Impossible Things because I need to feel good. What is it about laughter being the language of the soul? I swear I would sell mine, well what’s left, bringing back Braxton. M Anime lost all her texts, but somewhere I brought up live, laugh, love. I can’t stand that phrase, to be honest. But to Love…

What, again? Speaking of another book, The Bible. “The greatest of these is Love,” you know 1 Corinthians Faith, Hope, and Love. If I ever get married, I do plan on having that read. But then again, the “Greatest Love Of All” by Whitney Houston. I can’t feel it now.
Oh, I love Braxton. That never goes away. Only I don’t love myself, and that’s because of all this fear. If I can’t deal with one woman for two to five minutes. Hating the ASM. And I don’t know; the guilt, continuing for 167 Days. B III didn’t take an L; I gave him one. That’s because I wasn’t giving a FUCK about him or myself when it would’ve mattered. But Braxton Takes The L.

167 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 014 ~B III And More~

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Day XV now, and am I doing any better when it comes to my boy? I wouldn’t be asking that. If I had been 165 days ago? Yeah, Roman numerals aren’t my strong suit. I only needed to count to III before. Now I need 50,000 words for “B III And More.”

Thursday, July 15, 2021

Chronicle 014 ~B III And More~

165 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Sometimes I envy you not having to worry about what time it is, well until…

15 years 11 months. All you know is one day, there was a whole carton of fries for you and a bit of a burger. If your aunt was here, maybe she would make you a cake. Did I tell you I had lunch with her last week? I guess she didn’t want to make me too sad B III. That day she barely said your name Braxton, but I don’t blame her. As I said, you were a month shy of 16, and you would think I could give you this month. It was too fresh, last Camp NaNoWriMo, but I still got 50,000 words done. Now I’m lazy with 16 days to go. Braxton, I would apologize, but if I do that today…

Why only today? I have been telling you I’m sorry going on 165 Days with you gone. Hell 166 if we count the day that you left. I’m at the dining room table, and you’re not here, Braxton, on your pillow under it, waiting for me. What I wouldn’t give to speak to you B. Well, the COVID vaccine is free, or so I keep hoping. If I were to die… A dangerous concept I know, thinking about dying and all. Three needles helped you on your way, one to make sure, two to bring you peace, and the third sent you to the Rainbow Bridge. I got two Braxton. On that day, I said that “I got to Braxton.” I didn’t want your suffering.

You would have pretended always and forever if it stopped me from feeling this way. I’ve long since passed counting up the days from one stage of grief to the next. Only I’m never going to go into five. How could that ever be possible? Packing up your things B? Have you been watching me read The Man That Watched The World End? Ironic since I am that guy. You were about 79, and with how tired I’ve been, 82 sounds about right? Um, my point is, there is no way in Hell I could burn your stuff. B III they did burn you, yep. Wish I was there, Braxton. So yeah, another apology, how many is that which do nothing B III And More.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 009 ~To B So Well~

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Last week I spoke of being comfortable, and there’s a reason you shouldn’t check out WebMD. It gets in your head, and the next thing you know, you’re dying. No, only Braxton’s still gone. He got sick, and I’m not crazy, just unwell. To B So Well

Saturday, July 10, 2021

Chronicle 009 ~To B So Well~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford the best doctors. Do I feel sick? Not like that, Luna.

To think I got up while the moon was still high to get something done today. Hey, playing mobile games beats going back to sleep okay. Honestly, I’m still fighting it, but I have too much to do today. I would make a list but dammit those Six Impossible Things. Yes, today is Saturday, and yeah, I thought of one more thing I have to add to the list. Because I didn’t have enough faith in myself. I figured I wouldn’t finish one book. This evening I have to read a short story. That’s on top of finishing the novel; I know I can too. Now didn’t I say no list? Otherwise, I won’t get anything done. It’s not like I have a choice, right?

Is that the longest I’ve gone without mentioning Braxton? I guess I am sick, which makes today even more “important.” For days on end, I’ve been talking about receiving my second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine. See what I did there? I didn’t get flagged yesterday. Facebook, what do you think of that in comparison to Thursday? Anyway, I am a bit excited? I should be about lunch with Carolina Bound, but I got that new chicken sandwich from McD’s on Friday. Let’s say I may have to rework my novel, touting B III’s love of it. You can’t go around changing history; what am I, a Republican? My son is still dead. I can never forget. So what today’s needle might do to me?

I could be coming out of the “fatigue” I’ve been feeling these last few days, but I’ll never “Be Well.” The kind from Demolition Man with everything I’ve been doing. Braxton being gone… that’s crazy but nevertheless a fact. Again I’m not a Republican. Like the song goes, “But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell.” There’s no medication. Wanting to die and going out of my way to make it happen are different things, right? I guess I’ll see soon enough with whatever this vaccination brings Lady Luna. Impossible now sounds like keeping it together during lunch today. If anyone might understand, it’s Braxton’s aunt. She has her stuff too, but she’s keeping it together. But Without Love Luna? To B So Well

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4

160 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 007 ~B’s Dead To Writes~

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VIII days into Camp NaNoWriMo, and yep, I’m writing about B III now. Well, damn, the last six months, and I’m already so far behind. The vaccine does cause fatigue, doesn’t it? I’m still alive, and with my second dose, who knows. “B’s Dead To Writes”

Thursday, July 8, 2021

Chronicle 007 ~B’s Dead To Writes~

158 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m sorry for the title card if they ever make your story into a movie.

Your story or ours, in case you’re wondering where I’ve been today. 2,200 more words down, and I know you’re thinking to yourself, Daddy should be further along than this. Do you remember the last NaNoWriMo we did, and we stayed out in the chill? Well, I did, but you didn’t want to leave me alone out in the darkness but Braxton, writings my life? Then why was I at the Day Job when you needed me the most? I despise those people, and then I came back, told you to shush, and went to sleep. You stood guard always. Braxton, I don’t mean to be rehashing all this, but I was working on your novel again. It’s still untitled. Beyond Boys: Braxton Barks Bradford.

No disrespect to the LGBTQIA community (that’s a lot of letters, ain’t it)? Anyway, all my titles seem to come off as GAY. Speaking of not, I talked to your aunt a few days ago, B. Have you seen her?

The last time Carolina Bound was around, I ordered onion rings at lunch, and you were peeved; I didn’t bring you anything. It’s the little stories like that which might make a good book, Braxton. That’s if I ever get it done, and I will; it’s for you after all. So was the album I never finished, and what about my tattoo? Oh, I’ve had my run-in with needles B with COVID-19 and all. I’ll never forget that you saw me through what THEY think was the worse year. 2020

2021, the only year that beats the one I was born into. Who knows B III? In all honesty, I was hoping the vaccine would do its worst, poetic justice. I shouldn’t talk like that. Living, I am alive, more like existing. But you saved my life more times than I can remember. I wish you could tell me what you want from me. Every day I remember the vet and that look you gave me as they told me the worse news ever. Smarty-Pants. Braxton, you said, “I want to go home. Can we go home, Daddy?” I wrote my name, and you ended up in a box. Will a book be any better? My B’s Dead To Writes

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 002 ~How To B Comfortable~

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I have said that I have never been so comfortable, never slept so carelessly, and never known such courage as having Braxton watching over me. He would cuddle close at night, yet I wonder why without him, I’m so tired. How To B Comfortable.

Saturday, July 3, 2021

Chronicle 002 ~How To B Comfortable~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but will anything be as comfortable as Braxton’s fur. Does the Rainbow Bridge have comfy spots?

No matter how much sleep I get these days, I wake up tired. Do I blame the Day Job? I won’t go all Idiocracy. “I like money.” Only money makes us all comfortable, THEY say. It would be something if Braxton was still here. He had three beds of his own, and nine out of ten, he chose mine. Is that why I’m finding it almost impossible to leave myself? The couch isn’t doing me any favors either whenever I can reach it. As soon as I get up, I’ve told myself that I’m going to make the bed, surprising what a bladder can accomplish. B III and his walks. I would have been awake way before now, and I am wide awake; dubious reasons.

Let’s just say I broke one of my promises when it comes to Six Impossible Things. Dammit, those things are comfortable, which is why I’ve repeated publishing GULP two years. Always and forever, it seems like, but that only works if you’re talking about grief. I continue to count up the days. It’s been 153 days, and I didn’t even care to check my mail. We found a dog that matches you. At this rate, whoever they are is gone, but I’m not comfortable with the distinction of “murderer.” The only person saying that is me, and the truth hurts. It’s like sleeping on stones, sort of like a prisoner. After a time, you forget comfy beds, and the stone is all that you know.

Of course, my bed has not been the same since B III departed. I can change the sheets, which I’m still mad about. I can get another mattress, my sister’s old one, ain’t I pathetic. I can continue to drape myself in hoodies so I can survive the Day Job. Did I ever tell you it’s like Linus and his blanket? It’s summertime, and I’m freezing again, always and forever. I swear, I should have gotten Triple B, Emotional Support status because I was never braver than when it came to him. By making Braxton comfortable, I made myself too. You’re thinking, but why didn’t I buy him those doggie steps. Why aren’t I eating so well? Braxton, Babes, Bucks, knowing How To B Comfortable.

153 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 365 ~A Year B Longing~

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At the closing of the year… well, the blog year. To think I started this over a bitch four years ago and the last five months, I’ve been mourning over a son of a bitch. I am talking about my son. A Year B Longing, but I’ll finish his book this month.

Thursday, July 1, 2021

Gospel 365 ~A Year B Longing~

151 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I want to believe this day is monumental. I’ve been at this for four years.

Only this is the first one talking to you like this. It’s been five months, and to think, when I began, this was all over some bitch. Is that offensive, B? Seeing as how you were the son of some bitch I never met before, you became my boy. She was on the Rainbow Bridge. How I wonder what you told her about the family that took you in. What is there to say about your father? Do you even miss me at all? Fifteen years, four of them sitting here, holding you in my lap, watching you sleep on your pillow. Remember Outside, Inside. That would be my idea of Hell, you go out, you come in, and you never stay with me, B.

Today I’m hoping I’ve started my book for you. How many NaNoWriMo’s did you sit through, Camp and all? How do you think I learned to Time Travel so well, seeing how today is Sunday? I did picture a better life for us but seeing we’re talking now, I’m pissed.
It would always be something at the Day Job, talking to your granddad, or “I don’t know, it’s just the way I am.” To you, I was Daddy, and that will never change. You weren’t waiting for me to change but only to come home. I should’ve gotten here sooner. However, I was always stuck in the past. You saved me from the present, and I longed for the future. Not for me but you.

For four years, Braxton I had rules to get by with Lady Luna. I so hoped to obey them, ha. I talked to the woman I believed would be your future Mother, Dear Future Wife. Inspector Echo showed me I would know no greater sins or shame than losing us. Dammit, I killed again with Dirty Diana because I would rather talk to you, Braxton. Today I don’t want to be mad at myself. Well, not in failing to write your story B III, okay.
When I speak to Lady Sophia, Friday, I want to know that four years mattered. Preparation to honor you, Braxton Barks Bradford, the one I love more than anyone else.
I love writing. I love you. A Year B Longing

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 360 ~B Over The Threshold~

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I’d have carried Braxton always and forever. B walked into this house on his own four paws, and some six years later, I had to carry him out. How am I to imagine carrying a woman over or another fur baby. How dare I come “home?” B Over The Threshold

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Gospel 360 ~B Over The Threshold~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but that kind of cash is heavy. So is my grief, my “GOD,” and any goodness.

Of the Five Stages of Grief, Bargaining was the shortest. I’m not sure how it was supposed to go. I’m sure that if I got a better water filter for Braxton or if I hadn’t changed his food sometime in 2020. I’m sure there’s a bit I’m missing from B III’s January 8, 2021 check-up. Depression, like Denial, is endless. Yet I haven’t lain a treat in his room this morning, and B’s med time passed at 8:00. I will do it as soon as I leave the room. Of course, my tears haven’t stopped, and we’re on 146 Days. Will I ever stop counting the days? I hope not. Lady Luna, I will not accept this ever; I keep saying that. I MEAN IT!

I continue to be the lone prophet of my son, and I don’t know if he’s gotten heavier or I’m split between so many things. It’s a bit of both, I believe. Braxton was never heavy in my arms. Now he’s always on my mind; I’m still picking up the pieces. Sunrise is my Braxton. Now I have to do it myself. Being a father, a buddy, a brother, a protector, and so many things. Hell, fatherhood is one big umbrella holding a great many things. All of them working towards the same love, but now the rain is coming down, and where were you? I’m asking myself that Lady Lu. It’s like I’m all over the place, and the storm isn’t ending for me.

Braxton is first and foremost in my life. Despite everything else, let my guilt be always and forever. I will take it if it keeps my boy with me. And being HAPPY… hate that word. Then there’s “Stuff And Thangs.” Um, talk about living a double life, but I haven’t quit yet. It’s not like people would notice, and ever since I broke after 161 Days, Lu. B was alive. I’m not a good man like Gabriel from The Fallen series. He abstains for his brothers who are finding love, two or three of them anyway. Again I won’t get past this ever, Lady Lu. How dare some girl or another fur baby come into this place, I shared with B. B Over The Threshold.

146 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 358 ~Okay, B Father’s Day~

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It’s not a holiday I was fond of like my Emergence Day, the day I got my Day Job, and now the day that B left me. It’s been 144 days, and still, I refuse to say “another day” as they’re not meant to be. Okay, B Father’s Day… love is all I needed

Thursday, June 24, 2021

Gospel 358 ~Okay, B Father’s Day~

144 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m sorry I can’t be honest about mine. It’s been one of those weeks, remember?

Neither of us wants to, isn’t that right. All the days of your Daddy hating the whole damn world and then? Braxton, I should have known, and now I find myself here alone. I missed your granddad’s birthday. I can’t tell you what I did Sunday; it’s still Saturday today. Sonless for a Father’s Day in how many years? I want to say fifteen, but when did you become mine. Technically I was your uncle, and your grandma made me your brother. When I was, gifted this place, I looked at you as my best friend, my little Cerberus Braxton. One day it clicked, and it wasn’t the money, the medicine, or the munchies. I’m a father, you’re a son, and there was only that.

You didn’t have to get me a damn thing because, at the end of the day, you just got me. I swear you picked up my virtues and my vices. I’m scared of people; you were scared of other dogs. Um, I never heard about all your time at The Dog Stop, making new friends. I’m one for boobs, and then I had to explain to you about my second best friend, hell women in general. I don’t like asking for help and expect people to get out of the way. You didn’t ask for help, but at night you’d stand by the bed like, “Um, Dad, lift away now.” These holidays have been crueler than any, and I’m not able to acknowledge the sameness.

Sameness, indifference, the thought of “Every Day Is Exactly the Same.” I rather say I “Had a bad day again.” If it’s at the Day Job that’s certain, Ha, like me breathing, you being gone. How about things being right between my father and me? That will be the day. Braxton, I never thought much of Father’s Day though I want to be again someday. I’m not sure about fur babies, but all kids should grow up with a friend like you were to me. Then ultimately, they’ll ruin their lives. Okay, that was harsh, and I’m sorry, but even my “Emergence Day” can’t compete with January 31st. The day I was no longer a Father. The day you left. F… Okay, B Father’s Day.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 353 ~No B In Emancipation~

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Emancipation, Acceptance, Survivor are big words, yet we wonder why we rather say “I” despite who it hurts. THEY say I set him free and if I had to do it again… To be a better friend, father, forgo my freedom, for there’s “No B In Emancipation.”

Saturday, June 19, 2021

Gospel 353 ~No B In Emancipation~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so there are some “I’s” when it comes to whatever I’m doing. Here come the tears

Not for Juneteenth. I’m pleased with the holiday, which was celebrated Friday, being a federal holiday and all. This weekend too. I’m a man of my word ha-ha about some plans for today. Of course, that’s why I woke up late, 7:00 AM. What a way to start the day, don’t you agree? So you want me to explain the crying AHEM, Tradition! Braxton got his walking papers, was emancipated, got his shots, and now here I am. Today I go in for the COVID Vaccine, a first dose. Yeah, B III got his back to back as I sat there, my eyes wide open, Lu. My Arms Wide Open but we’ll get to that. Should we talk about how offensive I’m being right now?

I’m not trying to, but I’m learning freedom can be. What’s so offensive in Acceptance? Such a belief that Braxton would always be here for me. Comparing Life with Death. Believing in such things as the greater good, the bigger picture. Hell, just sitting here. Wasn’t it, last week, I told myself that I better not waste the entire week I was off and free? What are you going to do with freedom? I tell you, Lady Lu, not a damn thing to save me. At least if B was here, I could say as the song goes, “You Were Loved.” I set him free. Didn’t I, like it was any given Sunday, but it’s Saturday, yeah. If you love someone, set them free, right?

Yes, I must remind you and me that I’m not suicidal… currently taking this vaccine. Yet I’m reminded of The Cure by Sonia Levitin. Braxton and I being “Recycled” together. I would have taken that deal. How about making this choice last night to survive? Remember, Six: The Mark Unleashed “I still remember the last free choice I ever made. It was the wrong choice.” I am a free man, a black man, an American. But I serve, we do. With it all, B III wanted to stay until his last breath. I think of his eyes; sigh. “Why Daddy?” Braxton’s freedom from the suffering, the sickness, the sinner that I remain after 139 Days. Slaves waited years for liberty. Mine… No B In Emancipation

139 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will