Tag: Lesson

Lesson 178 ~Shook Me All Night~

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All I want for Christmas all I need is the money to pay for it, boys dream of toys and men dream of, well; I think Santa is a good man, and if I could do all that he can for the world, for the family I hope to have one day? “Shook Me All Night.”

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Lesson 178 ~Shook Me All Night~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, you know I’m usually all in my head about something and now that I have you why do I need to dream but as the song goes “Some Nights.” You’re more than enough to keep me up, to hold me down, whatever could make me want to leave your side?

This time of year, we have little faces waiting for Santa coming to visit, and I will never let them down, not even the dog that is looking for everybody to share with him. There is the woman I love more than life, and I won’t leave it to just Christmas, Valentine’s, or your birthday if I’m not showing you every day how long will I love you then I’m not doing my job. Maybe that’s what shook me last night after all the gifts were open, the kids drifting off with smiles, my four-legged friend stuffed and you my happy wife, I want more than one perfect day for all of us but how?

Keep doing what I’m doing, that’s a lot for a man like Santa, and he only needs to do it one day out of the year, and maybe that’s what scares me, the other 364 days out of the year my love. Last night I thought about how quickly we could come to Santa not having a roof to stand on, the one that I want to keep over our heads. I tell you this, hold each other, dance to “All You Need Is Love” but I can’t shake this feeling, but we’re in this together. By what right would I ever have to doubt you, this, or us, If I didn’t believe; you make me feel like a kid on Christmas every single morning.

They call it a man’s world though, and you know that I’m not like most, I’m luckier, more in love, I’m yours, and I suppose that what the rest of the world thinks doesn’t matter. So we pretend but not with us, no never with us, and that’s why I woke up so early, no more sugar plums for me, yet what would I call you, beautiful, “good girl,” mine?

A reason to come back to bed, a reason I won’t have another nightmare because you shook me all night?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

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I remember when I gained a pretty good drug connection thanks to my “Olds,” and I didn’t appreciate it back then, now “good” drugs are kinda expensive but to be fair, I wouldn’t be medicating for the right reasons. Medicate for Your Protection, Yours

Monday, December 25, 2017

Lesson 177 ~ Medicate for Your Protection, Yours~

Twelfth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear, this isn’t the twelve days of Christmas for if it were, I would find myself locked in an insane asylum but then again here I am talking to you. Strange that the traditional white room is for everyone else but the blank white page is for me, and this is what I mean by medication for me.

Medication, Meditation, Meditation, sometimes they have been choices and others times forces beyond my control, I still remember I would dance when I would flush the meds my “father” would give me. Okay so this isn’t sounding so much about Christmas, but the truth has always been a gift, and like life itself sometimes I wish I could return it, get a refund, read the reviews of what other people have thought about it. Other people, anytime I have tried to kill myself it has been all for other people, and that’s the lesson, my life, health, and death have always been for those people.

When I was on medication, even to this day it’s not been me I’m ever worried about, I hurt, I suffer, and when I am getting well it’s to make them fill better and not me. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped with the meds; I told Indiana Gone that I would fill so angry afterward because those pills were making me not be me. I could tell you about some chemical or something, but people did the damage, and then they expect me to find the cure, and even my death would just make their lives better, or maybe it’s like how they talk of suicide I might hurt them.

Maybe I don’t need a cure; perhaps they are the symptom of a sick, sad world, suppose I am the cure, but I give myself too much credit don’t I Madam Justice? Tomorrow things will go back to normal, and again I will be stuck with the truth, I’ll have me, just one day and didn’t I say last night that I need to have faith that ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!’ as Bob Marley believed right?

Speaking of music though I won’t belt out love is the answer or even a problem a few funerals won’t solve. The point is if I want to get high if I want to fix whatever’s broken, if I want to be well, it shouldn’t be for anyone else… now, Medicate for Your Protection, Yours.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 176 ~My Turn To Fly~

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Christmas Eve and I suppose Santa is out doing his thing… what I don’t believe in Santa, how can I when I don’t hold out any hope for myself, my faith is all shot to hell when every day is the same but tonight… My Turn To Fly

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Lesson 176 ~My Turn To Fly~

To Will:
No Fear but it wasn’t worth, the events of this week and so whatever can I give to you as a gift, I already told one friend I’m sort of horrible and this whole gift-giving thing, especially this year. Unfortunately, that cross is yours to bear, so be ready this week, it’s your turn to fly, and hopefully, you won’t fall flat on your face as I did.

I mean you’re not Santa, you don’t have the luxury of operating from the shadows or maybe this week sure, but there is still work to put in. You won’t have Christmas magic to fall back on, you’ll have actually to give a shit, and that can be freaking exhausting, caring about others, friends, Facebook, even the assholes. Speaking of which I hope you won’t be as sick, hell Santa Claus has 364 days to be ill can you imagine if he were queasy tonight?

Don’t they say that some heroes don’t wear capes but what exactly makes Santa a hero, the fact that he gives all he has how about the truth that of his immortality, invincibility, or both? Maybe the ability for even one night to rule the world, it could be the ability that he has in a way usurped a god, indeed several different deities. Most men think they’re God; this one just happens to be right though it’s death to acknowledge that sort of thing isn’t it, as the song goes, no one man should have all that power right.

So am I jealous of Santa… you’re damn right I am, and so I won’t tell you to be him, though you must keep in mind, what you give, your writing, and the faith you have if not in God and not in yourself in what? Maybe that should be your goal this week; you didn’t believe that 5-hour Energy would allow you to forgo a nap and yet here we are, baby steps but there isn’t time even now.

Honestly, you should be flying by now, if not for you, for others, okay see that’s too far, have faith that you will survive tomorrow, that you won’t get fired, that you can be a better man. Santa is the man, and he only works one night out of the year, how’s that for social anxiety, My Turn To Fly.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 175 ~Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight~

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No Eve on Christmas Eve so I suppose I only have myself to blame and yet more presents to buy than ever, even with free therapy sessions and that’s “good” right, more friends, more writing, more hope maybe. Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Lesson 175 ~Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I’m still not one for Etymology, but if there were a few words, I want to focus on today how about “good,” “Christmas” in particular “Eve” to be honest. How about depression, sorry if that’s my mood as of late, but I’m looking for a quick explanation rather than a manifesto or another full-blown novel, so yes no fear today.

Not like this morning; last night I had a nightmare that’s been echoing in my brain all day, something about me and one of my ex-bosses and going after them… hell, most days I spend my afternoons and evenings trying to forget. Was it a dream, some part reality, I’m sure I wasn’t in the office with Morris Chestnut telling me that my anger was going to get me into trouble. As much as I HATE my job, I still need it, and I’m working on Christmas Eve, only Christmas Eve the whole week which scares me, no fear, I keep forgetting, but I’m always awaiting the bad news truthfully.

What about good, mornings are never, afternoons, evenings, nights, all just spaces of time that are anything but “good,” most often “bad” but what do I classify as “good”? As far as Christmas, every year is even less Christmas than the last, any cookies, movies, music that I tuned out a long time ago, again a space of time that if anything makes me sad. What about Eve, a woman tempted who brought about the dark, no I’m not a theologian either, and I’m too lazy to look up the nuances of the word eve and speaking of lazy what about gifts… I make one lousy friend don’t you think?

Is there such a thing as a “good” patient though, with my depression you should be making a ton Lady Lu, and I will get to pay you to once everything is “good.” Now that is a word I need to define, how about joyful, happy, and then, of course, there is love which brings us back to “it’s the most “wonderful” time of the year” or maybe not, perhaps once upon a time right?

Back when I thought of myself as “good,” again when a sentiment such as good morning wasn’t a lie; when Christmas and or Eve was a time to be alive and not just another day before Good Morning, Evening, Goodnight.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 174 ~My Name In Lights~

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I just don’t want my story used in some horrific real-life tale… ok who am I trying to kid, I want the infamy of the Marquis de Sade but Christmas, it’s just another day and making a wish list *sigh*. “My Name In Lights”

Friday, December 22, 2017

Lesson 174 ~My Name In Lights~

Hey Lady Sophia
No Fear, my name isn’t Rudolph, Santa Claus, or even Jack Skellington, it’s Will; don’t worry it’s also hard for me to remember sometimes or not to be ashamed of it. Being ashamed though would explain a lot, why I haven’t been working on two of the books I’ve done, be it the content, the potential of success or failure, or just particular people knowing, maybe, possibly.

Anyway, oh right, it’s nearly Christmas, and I haven’t made an Impossible, Immoral, Illegal, Insane list, so my Christmas wishes:

1. I want my name lit up it book signings, I mean years living under fluorescents, people asking for signatures.

2. The light in my girlfriend/wife/submissive’s when I come home; I don’t want to say bitch but dog level excitement.

3. Speaking of someone to come home to, a place I genuinely consider home and not just some housesitting honestly.

4. Candlelit dinners and bedrooms, and not just a bedside lamp or a TV, moments I can’t wait to see.

5. A morning I where I want to be awake but still not leave my bed because I got love.

6. Never thought of myself as a pornstar, but yeah I want to make a sex tape a life goal.

7. Gunfire, though that sort of death is too easy for some people, so torturing some people and filming it.

8. I want to be full of creativity always, bright lightbulbs in my mind; I need the darkness and light.

9. I want my name in the whispers, moans, screams of Jennifer Lawrence, Shailene Woodley, and Chloë Grace Moretz simultaneous.

10. The day I burn this motherfucker to the ground and have enough money to buy… damn my censorship sadly.

Maybe that’s something else I should ask for, the courage to say what I want in the light of my blog, MINE but hell I would settle for one solid day of work in the light of day. Isn’t that what I always do, which is a reason why I’m not too impressed with the colors of Christmas, not anyone.

The spotlight though is no guarantee, I’ve seen the brightest stars begin to flicker with one misspoken word, they can be even worse than a sex scandal, right? Does anyone need to hear my story, see My Name In Lights?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 173 ~A Return To Innocence~

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I won’t burst out into song or even a crying fit as sad as I am, I need to keep my fluids, and I must be the only guy looking for that stuff they used in the movie Equilibrium, or I need a woman like Winston Smith had. A Return To Innocence

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Lesson 173 ~A Return To Innocence~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
No Fear, though I let myself down, literally, a loss of power, a loss of control and what was it this time, a fantasy about a maid, what about a bit of erotica, an incredible hatefuck, or just that pornstar Holly Lane, a million excuses sadly.

Now the first thing is I’m not Winston Smith; I think whores are deadening which is strange because I instead enjoy making the most innocent of ladies claim whoredom or making them claim to be sluts. Is it just me or does every guy want some virgin, someone untouched and yet they seek out pretty much any woman that will spread their legs? Hell, I could take this to a biblical level, women are responsible for original sin right, and the church teaches that a man must have a godly household, okay creeping myself out.

Anyway, I’m in that period of being thoroughly disgusted at my weakness and vowing never to give in again and oh look I have three of my fantasies on my phone. The thing is it isn’t the somewhat porn that gets me, it’s the idea, hell not even the tease, just the sweetest things, the angels that drive me mad, maybe that’s why I appreciate the silence and the dark. Maybe I need the hurt and the pain, the humiliation, and the degradation; while running errands today I remembered my own Harvey Weinstein pervy attitude, doesn’t happen too often but such and such makes me hate myself all the more.

Maybe it’s just the holiday season but I think we honestly need a new plague and then that reminded me of “The Screwfly Solution” … relax Dirty Diana; I’m not that much of a psycho. One must think however what women do to men or is it merely genetics, could be kinky, but some like being choked during sex and others like doing the choking, spanking, bondage, you know, etc.

I miss the feeling of my innocence, around thirty-one days of it and you know what I felt, besides horny… more primal like I was on the hunt, and I didn’t just want any woman, I could have one if I wanted. Maybe I just want to feel all lovey-dovey only, A Return To Innocence.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 172 ~Can You Read Sucker~

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How many stars did they get again and my mind must have been somewhere in the stars considering I didn’t see what was right in front of my face when it came to these titles that I decided to review. “Can You Read Sucker,” it saved me once upon a time

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Lesson 172 ~Can You Read Sucker~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I’m no reviewer, contrary to popular opinion, so I’m glad the two books in question, I wasn’t asked to review I only wrote about them because, well apparently that’s what I do now. Perhaps my biggest sin is when I don’t keep my mouth shut, I could talk to you about yesterday but another story for another time, this one today is about “Story of O” and “Shiver” two reviews.

I have no excuse for either Inspector Echo, you know me sometimes I’m lazy, sometimes I’m just super dumb, and others, I’m just the typical guy looking to get satisfaction, which I suppose is redundant but whatever. As one of my rules dictates, “I Take My Own Lumps,” and with everything that I run away from in life, I say I’m going to Hell anyway so I’m not going to run from responsibility, for the most part. When it comes to Story of O, you’ll have to forgive me for this simple mistake; I didn’t know that there was a sequel, still, haven’t read it.

When it comes to Shiver, I would say I didn’t read the fine print, but it was right before my eyes, and I just wanted to get off; the good news is this book kept me on the straight and narrow path, emphasis on straight and the man I am. Could I perhaps be forgiven for the fact that I read the book anyway; most Christians wouldn’t think so, it being a gay romance but love is love, and as the song goes, I believe in a thing called love. So why did I call the book out for something I should have known; these books are like porn for women, and that’s a crime perhaps calling it out like that, but reading could beat Pornhub and Xvideos don’t you think, a kind thought nevertheless.

Now wouldn’t you think the responsible thing to do would be to correct my reviews to a certain degree, it’s not just enough to say you’re sorry but you must make amends if at all possible. I did preface my review of Shiver, but that still doesn’t make it right and again makes me look lazy and dumb; unlike in my spoken life, my writing is the one place I would at least like to pretend I’m smart at least.

So I’m sorry for the reviews, I’m sorry for any offense towards gays or women, and honestly, I do respect some Christians, and I’m sorry for being a lazy ass but do I have your forgiveness Inspector Echo, and you ask Can You Read Sucker.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 171 ~A Spoonful Of Sugar~

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“WebMD” is a friend to no man, and yet we’re all big babies when we get sick, and no my mother isn’t here, and the dog can only do so much to comfort me, but God bless him for trying. A Spoonful Of Sugar, she doesn’t have to be, “Mary Poppins Y’all.”

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Lesson 171 ~A Spoonful Of Sugar~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear, if WebMD just happens to be right for once and I’m dying well… you’re my angel, and this must be paradise so I’ll do everything to stay with you now. Even if I feel like Hell at the moment, you give me fever, “I’m addicted,” and love hurts sometimes, and that’s just a fact baby.

Ooh, baby, baby, I won’t ask you to stay, I’m not sure what I look like or if I won’t be running around every ten minutes and I’m sure I’m the one being the baby. My love, you brought life into this world, and here I am praying for the hour of my death, and at the same time, I’m burning, freezing, coughing and sneezing, queasy and nauseous, but you’ve seen me worse right? I can’t imagine how you are seeing me now head in a bucket or curled up in the fetal position, maybe locked behind some door now.

You couldn’t save me before, and I’m not asking for you to keep me now, so what am I asking; of all the things I could ask a beautiful woman and as I said I wouldn’t ask you to stay and I won’t tell you to go. The golden rule maybe because if you were here instead of me, I wouldn’t leave you alone, I know my place would be at your side even if you hated me seeing you in such a state. I guess I’m just not used to anyone wanting to look after me and I try so hard, to be so strong, and now I can’t even pretend anymore, and yet you’re still here with me.

In sickness and in health isn’t that what they teach, forsaking all others but we got bills to pay and sometimes a man has got to be a man, a husband, a lover, a friend, a father and so many other things. My woman, wife, lover, friend, mother to our children and how can I ask you to be my nurse or indeed anything else.

Only you’re the one making me take my meds, cooking, cleaning, holding my hand, singing to me, bringing me back to life and that is difficult for me to accept. A bitter pill to swallow but I love you for it, you don’t have to kiss me though, I must look so gross right now but A Spoonful Of Sugar.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 170 ~Live Life According to You~

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If the law scares me why am I my own worst enemy having to create my own, how about if I break a rule which I seem to do every single day, and yet I continue to write more when I can’t even follow number one? Live Life According to You

Monday, December 18, 2017

Lesson 170 ~Live Life According to You~

Eleventh Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear isn’t that what you came for, my rules, things I’m learning to honestly live my life and not just survive it because that’s just it isn’t it. I survive according to me, but if we can call any of this living, I live according to other people’s expectations.

For a few days, I’ve felt this nagging suspicion, somehow I might find myself fired, and why is that I ask you because I wear hoodies, I’m quiet because I’m not like other people and why ever do they think I hate them so? The scary thing is even my rules are a reflection of the world I live in, how I must live and don’t get me wrong, I’m not discounting the rules, unless I’m dead life must be… endured? If anything though this experiment itself is doomed to failure, how many books have been written trying to tell anyone and everyone how to live and yes sometimes I think it would be easier to become Didi Pickles and refer to Dr. Lipschitz, why do you think religion works?

Even if I listened to no one else, my body betrays me, like something out of Co-Ed Confidential, remember, the whole vote with your head, gut, and heart and James said vote with your crotch. Speaking of which it’s getting HARDER, you know what I’m talking about, but as I told some of the others, I’ve nearly made it a month, and of course, the record is forty days. I guess it also doesn’t help that I’m a man who doesn’t know how to sell a contradiction as the song suggests; maybe these are all suggestions, or ideas like it is in that movie Dogma.

See the thing is life is continually changing so how can anything be set in stone, I mean if I was living why am I denying myself but didn’t I say yesterday I want to adopt habits that keep me out of Hell. Then again that’s them talking I’m doing things because I honestly believe I can be better, I should be better. Only the final question comes down to, for who, these people I despise, the man I’m not sure I can be, my future wife, my dog who is busy with his desires but the rules come anyway.

Maybe when I finally found out who I am, I can genuinely begin just to Live Life According to You.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 169 ~Picturing Hell Over Heaven~

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Is it hot in here, or is it just me, turned on, angry, spending in time in Hell but I do know there is a Heaven out there somewhere, and I only need one more glimpse of such a place, just one. Picturing Hell Over Heaven.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Lesson 169 ~Picturing Hell Over Heaven~

To Will:
No Fear, you know who the monsters are, you’ve seen their faces, heard their words, they echo in your mind, and Hell is a mighty big place. I can see why you would want to stick around and as much as I want to sound like some televangelist, in honor of Carl Grimes R.I.P. Just Survive Somehow Will.

It’s so much simpler isn’t it, it’s getting to the point where it’s not the worst thing that frightens you but the best because at least for now, this moment you know you can survive. Who am I to tell you to picture a brighter tomorrow, the point is just to make it there and then the next day, and the day after and that is an achievement and I’m proud of you. Then how about our wants, we still live by the four I’s, Impossible, Immoral, Illegal, Insane because there is nothing that falls outside of those categories but that will be your goal this week, ask what if.

Usually, I want to tell you to be a good man, a better man than me and again you already are, you’ve resisted temptation, you’ve survived the most extended hours this week, and you’re not making life harder for yourself, no that’s my job. I’m sure I’ve told you not to look back but here’s the thing, just because we see Hell doesn’t mean we haven’t seen Heaven, we might not remember it and hoping for anything at this point sucks. I want you to imagine just for an instant, you walk into stores all the time and see happy couples, you pretend that you don’t hear the whispers, hell as if people bother to whisper. Even today you bought hot chocolate and since you don’t drink alcohol, isn’t that a return to such innocence?

Will I ask so much of you and I have yet to find that one real accomplishment that may become a good habit, I mean other than breathing and that’s becoming more difficult I know it. This week I just want a creature comfort, something good that you can claim, a want satisfied that won’t land you smack dab in Hell and requires more prep than a bit of ice cream or a Rice Krispy treat, pretty easy you think?

If you found yourself in Heaven not Hell what would it be what if we’re not Picturing Hell Over Heaven?

I Will Have No Fear