Tag: Lesson

Lesson 128 ~Love Is Worth Dying For~

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Even if I’m not worthy of it I can still do such a thing, which is possibly the worst thing that I can do, of course, I’m talking about love and I might as well start digging right now. Love Is Worth Dying For, how many women have left me breathless

Monday, November 6, 2017

Lesson 128 ~Love Is Worth Dying For~

Fifth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear when love is all you need, talk about wanting a lie to become the truth if enough people believe it. Hate is easy enough to find, it starts from within but love, hell again I would like to believe love is everywhere but it’s in invisible, like air.

Love is also way more exhausting, I love my dog, so I have a day job, I love myself and so I write but also I hate plenty so both love and hate lead me to the same place. As you can already tell, I’m not the right person to talk about love, as a matter of fact, I doubt there is a right “person” at all, or if so I haven’t found her yet. I probably really would die if I ever did because while a person is supposed to love who you are, we want to be better.

If anything love is the ultimate fuck off to self because when you love it can’t be about you, everything you are becomes about someone else, you are indeed prepared to die but that someone that something has to be prepared to do the same, no even greater and so you rise as well. That’s something that “grinds my gears” as Peter Griffin would say, people who just love everything and whatever it is they love isn’t giving anything back to them to be sure. Is it strange that I consider Love a holy word, a magic word, a word not to be taken likely because when I love, I give all of myself and nobody ever taught me such a thing, and just to be clear I don’t even love myself, I’m still alive?

I’m still alive because of my hate, my wrath has no bounds, and nobody has ever wanted my love, because what could that possibly mean to them? The one thing on this Earth I truly love is incapable of ever saying the word and he doesn’t ever have to really.

So I will wait because I don’t know what else I can do don’t you “love” how I keep going back to songs; I can’t go looking for love… okay, I swear I’ll stop now with the music. I do believe though, just as much as I hate this next breath, I’d love to believe Love Is Worth Dying For.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 127 ~So Many Locked Doors~

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Don’t get locked into a routine, don’t make the place where you lay your head a prison, keys can lock and they can also open, and your head is not usually one of the nicer places to visit. So Many Locked Doors but what am I keeping in?

Sunday, November 5, 2017

Lesson 127 ~So Many Locked Doors~

To Will:
No Fear but the question, to open or not to open, that is the question, now you’re not Shakespeare but all the football talk… a plague on both their houses am I right, that’s something that is never going away, no matter the man I was, am, or dare I dream to become. Already you smile, that’s good, you remember “Holly Little” from “Starship Troopers 3: Marauder” would you really trade in all your principles for a hot piece of tail, just saying.

“A plague o’ both your houses!” ― Romeo & Juliet

“Your levity is good, it relieves tension and the fear of death.” ― Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

You’re a better man than that or at least you’re trying to be, I always want you to be and do you realize what today is? Talk about being no Shakespeare, writing those poems for “Senseless” may you never feel such fear again because, at the end of the day, you need the money and no girl is worth it. Nice to be harsh about something else and not you but as for today’s lesson there are just things I can’t lock the door and throw away the key and then there are those times I just feel locked in.

Congratulations though as you have broken through your writer’s block at present, I expect to see great things in your writing despite the work schedule you’ve been cursed with. You’ve also kept something else locked in your pants, ain’t that something when you impose a hundred-word tax on a hard-on and if that also counted for a chub… You are also becoming freer, which you’ll need to bare your soul soon enough if you remember what happened this day before.

“Any place you don’t leave is a prison.” Liberal Arts

How about the idea, that you were actually considering leaving these four walls and going somewhere else to work, how about Starbucks, Books-A-Million, and lucky you the library closest is getting worked on but you need to check. You remember what they say about any place you don’t leave but I know too there is a difference between being alone and being lonely, remember that.

Plenty of stuff to remember so no wonder the writer’s block was so hard to break out of and now you are going to condemn your characters to Hell. Always remember that you can’t cut life on and off, even if you’re holding the keys, ride or get rolled on, I’m sure your fists and head will appreciate not hitting walls and locked doors but still, So Many Locked Doors.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 126 ~What’s One More Hour~

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One more hour, now tell me what are you going to do with it, other than breathing I have no clue and I don’t want to lie to you or to myself as if I’ll be looking back at this at some point. What’s One More Hour, really?

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Lesson 126 ~What’s One More Hour~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but one more hour to try and convince myself of that, to think I keep asking for more time and then how do I spend it, well we’re here aren’t we? How many more hours shall I waste, excusing my day job which is the biggest time suck and then the time it takes to recover as though I’ve been through Hell and haven’t I?

That’s already two questions and I propose a third… what the Hell am I doing with my life, how quickly I forget which is why I keep a journal and nobody ever reads it, I’m a secret even from myself. If it’s not my body asking for more downtime, it’s my mind being left in a fog, I couldn’t hold on to a thought for the life of me. Am I once again suicidal, that’s usually a given but I am practicing a lot, what’s with all the sleep again?

Death, of course, is inevitable but so is Black Friday, a day that’s slightly better than the worse day of my entire life and last year was not a picnic. We also have another anniversary of the 5th of November, to think I almost forgot about “Senseless” and will I be telling, you know who about that past sin of mine? Of course, the simplest solution is just to work now and maybe, just maybe, there will be time enough at last, as though I was a Mr. Henry Bemis.

For being so obsessed with time as I am, I can’t help but waste it, even this moment, and I don’t mean talking to you I mean just doing what I claim to enjoy, to like, dare I say, love? I’ve spent today doing everything else saying that once it gets done I can write, cleaning my inbox, working on playlists, trying to organize everything but my words as again you can see right here.

As they say be careful what you wish for, more time, more excuses, more sleep, more dread, I can fill that time with anything and everything and then you wonder why I need to rest. Another saying, many hands make light work and yes Luna I know what that really means but how many clocks do I have and less time, what’s one more hour?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 125 ~Should “Words” Be Infectious~

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My mind seems to be one whiteboard when what I need is a white room for my madness because it’s been a long time since I have allowed myself to go mad and I suppose I need the convenience to answer the question. Should “Words” Be Infectious

Friday, November 3, 2017

Lesson 125 ~Should “Words” Be Infectious~

Hey Lady Sophia,
No Fear… except I’m becoming too relaxed, too popular and mediocrity can be addicting but not infectious as my words should be. My words, I suppose at the very least it’s something that I’m actually reading again which means I should have another review in how long?

Speaking of reviews, I hate being used, seriously I’m not a big deal or anything but the book offers keep rolling in and my reviews keep rolling out and how do I know I’m being used. Yes, I’ve been on a dark erotica kick for a while and now I’m reading stories about everything from horror stories to boxers… a sports book who knows, who cares. Apparently, these authors don’t they just want reviews on Amazon so their words can spread, text, emails, word of mouth which brings me to the lesson of what the hell have I done honestly.

I’m a freaking carrier of words, a zombie, a Walker, a Z, and my only job is to ingest all I can just so I can spread more words everywhere else and I don’t know maybe I’m just frustrated. How I survived the month of Sapphire and made it through October and now it’s NaNoWriMo season and what do I have to show for it… you know this month is only going to get worse. It’s not like I’m helping manners, do you know I almost forgot to write today, maybe I was preparing so much yesterday but I was just slacking off today and the only word that came to mind today was infectious.

Aren’t there enough zombie stories and what about my novella… that wasn’t meant to be 50,000 words of course and technically it should be done already. The words seem so small when you actually think about it, 2,000 words a day when I was actually doing 5,000 for my novel “Some Assembly Required”, remember that.

I thought about imposing a sort of a tax on myself for every time I get a hard-on, I write a hundred words, can you imagine with my libido how many words that would be daily? So what about tomorrow, I have such grand plans at the moment but what will I be doing; see I honestly don’t want to write about those ideas either.

You know what the solution is don’t you, the cure, “in my own words” because the answer is so simple right, Should Words Be Infectious?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 124 ~The Way To Wonderland~

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I don’t know why I’m so lost, I mean how low can you go so I have a direction, but I’m a Rabbit just hoping some Alice, Dolly, Ellis follows me down and how about those others? The Way To Wonderland but I’m so afraid she will turn back I suppose

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Lesson 124 ~The Way To Wonderland~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
No Fear but a question, have you ever been watching something, reading some obvious and the more you try to ignore it the more it keeps popping up and then, yeah this is exactly what I need in my life. Alice In FREAKING Wonderland, the emphasis freaking, yeah so obvious right.

Now I wouldn’t consider myself the typical guy but I do watch porn, schoolgirls, secretaries, so on and so forth and now Halloween has come and gone but I haven’t if you know what I mean. I can’t say I ever thought much of Alice in Wonderland, to be honest, I had a thing for Caterina Scorsone once upon a time and I didn’t think Alice In Wonderland (2010) was too bad. So a few days ago I finish reading “Sick Fux” Natural Born Killers meets Alice In Wonderland, meets Sucker Pucker, *sigh* Emily Browning.

Speaking of people or books that I’m no longer gushing over today I just can’t help but wonder what makes Alice In Wonderland so hot I mean there is more to my fantasy than that. I’ve never been one of those guys that ask “who’s your daddy” I was sort of creeped out by “Paranoia Agent” but when Chloë Grace Moretz says “I love you daddy” let’s just say I have a new phrase for my pornographic passions. Last but not least has been the two girls at the same time in an alley, on Halloween in costume, and didn’t I say I don’t share my women, hence last week.

Usually, I choose brunettes over blondes too but hair color is one thing and this one fantasy has been burning in my mind since I read “Sick Fux”. I guess there is a reason you don’t see many if any male erotic writers but have I given up on becoming one, what have I written?

I’m still holding back to you because people can take things the wrong way, spoken or written by a man at least, don’t I know this. So long story short, two girls in an alley, in costume, screaming “I Love You Daddy” of course there is more to it than that but why risk it?

Isn’t this the exact opposite of no fear because I feel plenty and here I call myself but I’m just a Rabbit that hasn’t found his Dolly yet so I ask The Way To Wonderland.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

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Why I don’t watch NASCAR, I suppose I like to see a clear ending, going around in a circle only to celebrate by doing it again, a victory lap and then again just sitting here *sigh*. Going Around In Circles, the world is round OH how I know that

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear of me dying today at least maybe I could use as I said, a lot of forgiveness as always, today it would be for my old car, the fact that I have probably told this story a few times, my smile, and the fact that NaNoWriMo starts today and what the hell am I going to do about it now?

So that we never forget, maybe I was lazy, maybe I was being a Scrooge, maybe I just hated myself so much but some years back my brakes failed… as I knew they would and I crashed back into a tree. A full circle and I didn’t hit anything but that tree, why I’m grateful for my morning shift; isn’t that something grateful to still have a job but not to be alive, my priorities.

Speaking of work and last night being Halloween, I wish I could take off this mask I call a smile, a fucked up smile at that or at least make it do a 180. How about finding the last thing that made me go “OH” or maybe the last good thing, life seems to be a circle of the bad, like the song goes, Every Day Is Exactly The Same.

That’s probably why I keep telling the same stories, stuck in the past, those that don’t learn from history and what not and tell me what the future has ever offered me. Yes Inspector Echo I’m complicit in my own murder every day or like “Morgan” from The Walking Dead, I don’t die, worse I could be a walker *sigh*.

Yet another reason I’m probably not participating in NaNoWriMo; is my creativity dead or again I’m just being lazy, even now I’m in bed and today I got the chance to leave early and I didn’t think twice. If only my past could be like that but it all comes around again or maybe I should think outside the box.

My greatest sin of all but if I talked about that thing, that thing, that thing” Doo Wop from Lauryn Hill; I swear my sins are like all my other chores sometimes.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, for not caring enough to have the car fixed, for being stuck, for being a liar by omission and somewhat of a lazy ass but I’ll apologize some more because as we know, Going Around In Circles.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 122 ~Future Wife, The Musical~

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Sometimes I can barely speak and you want me to sing, though I wouldn’t mind being some businessman in a karaoke bar at some point. Future Wife, The Musical, I wish there was music so I would know I’m getting close to finding her.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Lesson 122 ~Future Wife, The Musical~

Dear Future Wife,
No Fear but maybe if I met you when I was younger, and I can’t promise you won’t hear me in the shower, or when I’m attempting to cut the grass, there was even a point where I attempted to be a songwriter and I’ve only written a song once for a girl. I’d write a song for you but I would probably have someone else sing it for sure, and yet for you to sing to me would be so wonderful.

I’m sure I’ve said it before but my absolute favorite thing is to just lie in bed on a Saturday morning just for two or three hours and listen to 40’s-50’s nuclear war tunes. If I’m not quoting movies “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” I’ll usually quote songs and really what are we doing if we aren’t seeking a friend for the end of the world. Is that my way of telling you that I’ll love you forever, I’m sure there are plenty of songs that will tell you that much.

Unless Ellie Goulding comes walking down the street and then I might be out the door… what can I say I’m a fool for a siren, a songstress, and a good video game medley. Everything but gospel although I do have a song from Building 429… what did you think I was hiding, this or that but yeah if you check my phone I’ll probably have some weird playlist. Sometimes talking just seems like so much noise, no not you but others and I look forward to the day that we can ignore people together with our earphones, walking together.

Discovering you will be like discovering my favorite song, my favorite playlist, and I suppose our taste will evolve together. I talk of singing but what about dancing, I’m not sure when in public but I remember being on the side of the road and dancing to “Drunk On You.

I imagine the song that will be you to me and me to you, I wonder what song we may call ours at one point. Most of all I just want your voice because what can honestly be more beautiful than three little words I long to hear from you.

If anything I’ll ask you to play that song for me, it ain’t “Easy Street” but Future Wife, The Musical.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 121 ~Hate Will Keep You Alive~

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I don’t want to hate, which is why I spend most days alone with the exception of the dog and sometimes I believe even he is a bit iffy when it comes to me or am I just that paranoid. Hate Will Keep You Alive, and I’m still standing huh

Monday, October 30, 2017

Lesson 121 ~Hate Will Keep You Alive~

Fourth Rule Madam Justice,
No Fear of the two-part rule which I will discuss next week but part one is “hate will keep you alive”, so will love depending on how you define living. Love if anything is meant to be a gift but something you don’t have to work for… there is no such thing as a free lunch, isn’t that right Justice.

Hate, on the other hand, makes you work for it, makes you strive for it if anything mankind has proven time and again that we strive for our own destruction because we make love a job. Would you say humans created weapons out of love for others or hatred though I honestly believe love can be an incredible weapon in itself? Here’s something I’ve always hated, those people that say you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself, this is a damnable lie indeed.

I think I love plenty, okay at least my dog, I love him but most days I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. If something were to happen to him though by someone else’s hand I would go to war and I would rampage until justice is done and would that not be out of love for him? How many love affairs spawned from hate, Romeo & Juliet and love for each other killed them before hatred of one another’s family. Can love be taught, hatred has to be, and I’m always on the cusp of quoting Master Yoda’s teaching on fear.

Maybe I fear myself so much which leads to my hatred, I mean I hate so many and my father is at the top of that list or so I assumed a minute ago. I hate enough that I remain in a constant state of exhaustion but is love equal, I don’t love my friends but I do work to make sure their comfortable in my presence and some days I actually hate myself more because of this I think.

Hate is literally what gets me out of the bed most mornings, working a job I hate, I look at the world and I prepare myself to stand as if I were Atlas. Why is it love that makes me a coward and hate that brings forth a zest for life, for my own survival?

It could be other people, how they look at me like they are allowed to do and say whatever and call it kidding, jokes, dame near hate speech, I know, Hate Will Keep You Alive.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 120 ~Open Up, Say Ahh~

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The good news is I didn’t have to do much talking today but then again seeing as how people talk to signify their own lives I wonder how much longer I’ll last, maybe I should go see a doctor or not. Open Up, Say Ahh

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Lesson 120 ~Open Up, Say Ahh~

To Will:
No Fear, open up, say ahh when you have no choice but to figure things out for yourself, “Adulting” is hard and only getting harder and there’ll be days when you have to ask some older adults but for today appreciate the win. Also don’t be so quick to jump to the worse possible outcome, it keeps you alive but the anxiety only gets worse; easier said than done but don’t play WebMD whenever you can avoid it.

Open up, say ahh, to new experiences, today wasn’t much of one but how long did you listen to the “Sick Fux” playlist, if only every day you could feel like you did when “ My Boy Lollipop” was playing, something for the future wife to sing? Speaking of new experiences, when are you going to start going out again, it would be something if you were actually working but since you’re not… It can also be said since you’re not going to the doctor anytime soon, open up, say would be better served in some bedroom play perhaps ha?

Now, what was it I said about imaging the worst case scenario, which might actually be something if you weren’t enjoying being kept away from the group, working by yourself, and it makes it much easier not to be a caveman when there is nobody to talk to. Open, up, say ahh when you actually do learn something new, how often do you find yourself having the same, comfortable conversation but really what else is there with some people ad the dog? Yes, sometimes it actually is better that you keep your mouth shut during certain occasions because soon you’ll have to talk just because.

No, I don’t mean Halloween, I can’t tell you how you’re going to feel come that day and if anything you might be afraid for all the wrong reasons. One more day out of the year but today was too damn easy considering what I expected and when work gets easy, beware is the rule of thumb or has been.

I don’t know whether to tell you to be a better man, just a man, or just to stay alive but every day you should always strive to be better but not all at once, you might look in the mirror one day and not recognize the man you are, all Open Up, Say Ahh.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 119 ~Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow~

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A day of sitting on my ass and not in a good way: I wish tomorrow would never come even if it means I would feel this way for, god knows how long, I know work will be so much worse. “Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow”

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Lesson 119 ~Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear but depression has made itself right at home, along with even more anxiety and whatever else happens to be wrong with me and my blog at the moment. Honestly, I’m sort of envious Maddy from Everything, Everything, only I wish this was all in someone else’s head and not just my own or my stomach.

Today has been a waste, what am I saying this whole damn week has been a waste and to think I started with such high hopes and grand aspirations. You ask me where did I go wrong and the answer might take me forever and a day, but not today, or how about the last two that I just gave away? I couldn’t even say yes to “Indiana Gone” because everything is just falling apart, of course, this isn’t helping with the anxiety, I’m trying.

Hell, I’ll have to try harder if this keeps up because of tomorrow… I remember last price changes, how gross was that day? Honestly today I’m just back to trying to make it the next five minutes, it worked in the past but now I’m back to thinking about time. I don’t have time for anything anymore and that’s because I somehow or another forgot my favorite word, NO. Of course didn’t I say “No Fear” I say that every day, still trying to make it come true and yet here we are again right?

No I’m not sick just a Pop Tart and a chicken finger decided to lead an evacuation, yes this is getting grosser but honestly, where have I spent the majority of my day? If it’s not my stomach it’s me fearing everything else, my fellow authors, my computer, and that tomorrow is coming, faster now.

The thing is I’m more than willing to accept everything, I mean all of this than what awaits me but didn’t I survive the days of Sapphire, I’ve nearly survived another year, more waste. Personally, I just want to crawl into bed and await the inevitable, even if I feel better if I had to choose between Fear, Depression, and Anxiety, let’s say Fuck, Marry, Kill Style, I’d fuck depression, marry fear, and kill Anxiety.

So what have we learned today, that I should talk to several different doctors and maybe I could them about well, Everything, Everything, But Tomorrow.

I Will Have No Fear