Tag: Fear

Gospel 349 ~B Leaves The Fix~

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B and I weren’t ones for any sort of repair work. He’d bark until whatever would go away. I kept things running, wanting to find him a mom. When we broke, there wasn’t anything an, “I’m sorry” and a bag of fries couldn’t fix then… “B Leaves The Fix.”

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Gospel 349 ~B Leaves The Fix~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should hire someone to fix the bathroom plumbing. That’s something that men do.

I’ll be honest, anytime I’ve tried something like that, Braxton would run and hide. It doesn’t mean I haven’t done it. When I unclogged a toilet, Braxton Barks tucked tail. Cleaning is another matter with the same result. When I would clean up nice, either I was in trouble, or he was. It would mean my Olds are coming over or a pretty girl, often enough. I built two bookcases, I would put together some electronic things. Of course, my actual work was to create a world for him and me. You came along, and um B III wasn’t thrilled. The thing is, isn’t this what a man is supposed to do. I say often enough, A Man Provides, but where did love come in.

I didn’t know how to love Braxton when he first came into my world. Then, the first time he ever got sick, my sister had to show me how to hold him. Braxton was tough afterward. Braxton didn’t like me seeing him sick because I would try everything to make him better but like everything… My baby girl, you’re perfect because love makes me really STUPID. You know how much I revile that word. Only like hate, to feel such love, I can’t turn it off. I knew there was some reason I thought of the Bath, but the sink’s good, unlike me, I know. Love and hate are flowing, but I can’t stop it, and it fills up and what happens. It’s never good.

That’s why Braxton would hide because for better or for worse, I wouldn’t be, I don’t know. Only as much of a man as I try to be, there are some things I cannot repair, HURT. When I was so young, I thought I was super bright and then life. I can’t bring B III back. Every day I told myself that I would never break your heart; ours remain broken. Children are still waiting for me to come back to “myself” there’s plenty of movies. Darling, I’ll bring you home, singing to me like Sade, but I’m here, hiding, dying. Destroying everything like Braxton thought I would until he knew he could come out. A better place, so I’m scared. B Leaves The Fix

135 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 348 ~A Moment’s Ennui Grows Regret~

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Conan became a King. He sat upon his throne with a troubled brow. Before, his life was full of high adventure. Only now, I feel like when he was pushing that wheel, bored thinking about life. A Moment’s Ennui Grows Regret, I was bored of B?

Monday, June 14, 2021

Gospel 348 ~A Moment’s Ennui Grows Regret~

Hundred And Ninety-Second Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and already I’m thinking I’m okay with it. I’ll make more tomorrow…

When I get up at 6:30 in the morning, instead of 4:00, the day is already ruined. When I have to get up for the Day Job, I’ll still be hating that week I wasted doing nothing at all. As always, Madam J, this is not Depression but instead shame. This is not okay ever. I should at least be saving money because what was it I said yesterday about spending $150 on Maitland Ward’s Yabbos. Um, that’s $140 now as I spent $10 on “Rachel McGuire’s.” Oh, all I’ve got thus far, can I say I’m so thankful with any one of them, hmm? Hell, would me getting that tattoo for Braxton be something that will make me feel better, Madam? I don’t know.

Also, yesterday I talked about Dakota Skye’s passing but did I look up some of her work? As the song goes, I won’t go getting “Tired Of You.” The fact that I’m still talking about this proves it. Yet I didn’t do any searching other than for a good picture. I do that for B. However, Madam, these past few weeks have been all about the things I do because B III isn’t around. I wrote of renewed vows and ended up breaking it in the same day, and for what? Do I regret going all out for “Stuff And Thangs?” In a way, yes, but I’m not bored yet… I’ve been living on background noise, but something woke me. Make Way For The King

Only it was the young prince who died first. Braxton would expect more from me than sitting here wondering why I’m not dead yet. If I am only going to sit around waiting for the end. I should at least get the vaccine. Definitely want to prolong what’s become Hell. I was never lonely or, let’s say, overcome with ennui when I was with B III. I’ll never get over being here reading a good book and him by my side. I wasn’t bored with life Madam Justice, I was angry at it, but I said Another Day to keep down the boiling blood. I couldn’t, and I became indifferent to the one that loved me the most, Braxton. And the moment that happened, Madam… A Moment’s Ennui Grows Regret

134 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 347 ~Week of B Ads~

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What will I be tempted to buy this week? Unlike Ice Cube, “Just wakin’ up in the morning, gotta thank God,” nope. More like Ed Sheeran, “It’s too cold outside For angels to fly,” or hot and Dakota Skye was. “Week of B Ads,” yeah, Braxton’s still gone

Sunday, June 13, 2021

Gospel 347 ~Week of B Ads~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but neither of us is getting any ads on bedroom furniture. Seems THEY know we got this.

Sleeping on the job, I mean. The real work to be done, so of course, I’m not talking about the Day Job. I accomplished this without Braxton to watch over me. Will you do the same? “Stuff and Thangs” calls to you or, more to the point, SHE does or SHE will. I saved some scratch, and I would ask that you do the same, no matter the sizable Yabbos. Speaking on those, an Ad for Fox News reported some terrible news this morning. Dakota Skye, a.k.a. Lauren Scott, was found dead. She was one of the greats; personal favorite. Sharing such tragedies, may she Rest In Peace. Isn’t that what you’re going to try and do this week? Not suicidal with Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Jegudiel by Tillie Cole
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001) No Fap
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Obsessed with these things because you keep writing them down. I said something about this to your Dear Future Wife, Gospel 342 To B Level Man. It’s about writing problems. Although being fair, I didn’t spend any of yesterday answering what was once my queries. Right now, besides honoring Braxton (you do that…)? You want to find Dakota Skye’s goodies. That brings you to the whole point of today and the idea of more Internet Security. The fact that even Fox News was able to get your attention. If it’s not them, it’s more ads showing the way to the Rainbow Bridge. Let’s not forget devices for “Stuff And Thangs.” How about books from Tillie Cole and Eric Vall. You’re busy writing Six Impossible Things.

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 15 (Succubus Lord #15) by Eric Vall
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Best said in The Boondocks by Riley Freeman, “cause you’s a bitch.” Ok, I’m the same. I wasted a week, and you’ll do the same, right? Tell the truth and shame the Devil, hmm? To think this is what B III kept you for, to do nothing. When it came time to save him, there was not one single Ad for any drugs. Sure there’s a can of dog food I threw away. All of his medications still rest on the kitchen counter. I spent hundreds on a box. Please do not make a crass sex joke there on other things to spend your money on. Um (cough) $150 (cough) Maitland Ward (cough) Onlyfans nope. Um, vaccine… if you die… no Week of B Ads.

133 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Lauren Scott 27
Dakota Skye
May 3, 1994
―
June 9, 2021
Rest In Peace

Gospel 346 ~Be Something B Cause~

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I’ve said this before, how my Ma would say, I would find my way. My aunt would say I wanted to destroy the world. She was wrong “in a way,” I only ended my world, which is why Braxton ain’t here. Be Something B Cause it’s getting hard to breathe

Saturday, June 12, 2021

Gospel 346 ~Be Something B Cause~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and if I were Eric Thomas, I’d be a millionaire. I know what’s what. I’m here.

It’s 4:30 in the morning, and Eric Thomas wakes up at 3:00. Hell Lady Lu, I’ve woken up at 2:00 for far less money and for what. We both know the answer to that. At the same time, I have stayed up until 4:00 in the morning. So like a Backstreet Boy, tell me why. 132 days, and like the moon, which is your namesake, B III’s smell has yet to disappear. At the moment, he is lending me his strength, giving me focus, purpose, cause. I have a dream, and now it’s time to put that vision into action. Perhaps this is merely insanity. Haven’t I mentioned Eric Thomas, The Backstreet Boys, and MLK in the span of a few minutes? It’s too early.

Which is what I told myself when Braxton lay dying. I’m not ready yet, but I’m a fighter, a friend, a father. Any of that sounds better than a Freight Associate; excuse me, I’m more Operational now. But, of course, that would be fine if I was building Death Stars. First off, and I believe I’ve told you or one of the girls before, my aunt was wrong. Destroying worlds is not something I agree with. Yet, I would take that in comparison to what I do for a “living.” Only this week, I’ve squandered extensively so many days, yep. To think I would use Braxton as an excuse, but he was also a reason. Now he is but a memory driving these words forward.

I found myself in the store yesterday questioning what’s it all for. I stood in the same spot I once had on January 31, picking out a digital frame for his pictures. Yes, tears Lady Luna. Ironic I don’t want him to see me now as I picked out a tripod to hold my phone for “Stuff And Thangs.” I still haven’t quit that foolishness… what about my vow and everything? I can’t keep saying tomorrow; how about July when I write my book about him. With all the letters I have ready to go, and it could always be my laziness in the end. Last year I had a few months to think, not do. Braxton, give me strength to Be Something B Cause.

132 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 344 ~Remember To B III~

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Remember to Be Free of guilt, to Breathe Free, and damn I should add more beef to my diet, but no, and why not. B III isn’t here anymore, and that isn’t my freedom; it is his from the pain, and I need to know that. “Remember To B III.”

Thursday, June 10, 2021

Gospel 344 ~Remember To B III~

130 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Mine B III begins with a promise I made to apologize to you. I’m sorry.

Be Free of the guilt I carry… NEVER. Even before we started talking today, I burst into tears. At least I’m free of my bed this morning. I made it up, if only to feel like I did ok now. God knows it wasn’t being your Daddy. A strange Dad joke it is when I told you to Be Free, B III? You’d come back. My B had to run the yard. So am I a prison warden, my son? A mourner, a missionary, trying to regain monk status. Things can’t and will not go back to the way they were. This was your place, and I know you’re in a better place now, B. Braxton, I keep telling myself that as you sit there?

Breathe Free, as now I struggle still crying a bit. If I could drop dead right now… You don’t want to hear that, but what I wouldn’t give to listen to your paws or your barking. Anytime I attempt to clean up, I wonder how many of those dust balls have remnants of your hair? It’s why I focus on the bathroom. Only I had to wash the rugs. Ants invaded. As I said before, I’m in prison, but the thing is, I was freer with you than anybody. The best times of my life were lying here reading everything with you jumping my belly. The last free breath I ever took was the one that became your last Braxton. Now every single one costs.

Beefy foods… I should be buying plenty more. If you were here, I would be eating better because you would want me to share. Voluminous vitamins, vittles… vitriol. Braxton, it might not be a lack of sleep but of any decent sustenance, and I continue ticking after 130 days. I’m thinking more with my heart than my stomach. I keep pushing you back in. Then here I go vomiting all of this only to find another picture of you, A thought of you to sustain me for a bit longer. You’d prefer fries B III. Jonesing onion rings. Which hurts more. Well, the first reminds me to share; the latter reminds me I am alone. Neither replaces love. Yet I try. Remember To B III

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 343 ~Forgetting A B 101~

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“Remember me,” and I failed to as I walked into Braxton’s room and saw seven treats when there should have been eight. As much as I’d like to think he came and got it yesterday, I was discombobulated, destroyed, but not depressed. Forgetting A B 101.

Wednesday, June 9, 2021

Gospel 343 ~Forgetting A B 101~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so like Jeff Bezos, Warren Buffet, and Beyoncé with Jay-Z, I’m prone to forget some things?

What I forgot yesterday… my son. No, let’s start off with something small, ha or big, Yabbos. When’s the last time I mentioned those, and it makes me sick. Did I tell you I broke my vow? Now here I’m sitting trying to remember how I forgot about MILF Dos. It didn’t take the world long to move from Lady Dimitrescu to Sam from Samsung. Why not throw Lily from AT&T and Cortana from the Halo franchise into the mix? I swear the Internet hates me right now. It’s never deeper than I hate myself for these last couple of weeks. Nature is healing. Yesterday was a hard-ass day for me, and seeing as how I got a late start this morning, not peeking Yabbos.

No, B is not for boobs, balls, or bitches man, thank you, Warm Bodies. B still stands for Braxton, but what about his boy, the man, the father. What about the quitter? I always can. That’s something I was thinking about while not producing content for “Stuff And Thangs.” Nobody would know in a day, but maybe I should stick to writing. It goes on. Okay, that’s a lie, but it will come in July. By that point, I’ll only be writing about B III. Everything that little ball of fluff meant to me. Only haven’t I forgot publishing GULP. Speaking of books, I’ve started reading Jegudiel by Tillie Cole. It’s as if Fate is saying, “Boy, you’re depressed.” Power outage and book on insanity

“Y’all look at me and say, boy, you’ve been blessed
But y’all don’t see the inside of my unhappiness.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8CXUzepL6k

B is for Braxton and what’s insane is that I could forget anything about him. Yet this morning I didn’t know what I was going to write about and then I noticed something. In his room, there were seven treats but today is the ninth, so yesterday, what the fuck? Inspector Echo, I didn’t greet him. That’s how long it took, one-hundred and twenty-eight days. I don’t have to wonder what drove me from the bed this morning, fucking guilt. I’ll have to remember to apologize to him tomorrow. Um, good luck with that, hmm? I may have lost myself for a while but never Braxton, B III, my buddy, brother, badass son. Winston had rats; my fear is losing Braxton. Forgetting A B 101

129 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 342 ~To B Level Man~

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I told a girl once I couldn’t live without her. To think I agree with my Old Man for once that such a proclamation was really STUPID. That problem when away, but here’s another one, going on without Braxton after 128 days. “To B Level Man.”

Tuesday, June 8, 2021

Gospel 342 ~To B Level Man~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I couldn’t tell you that one day I made it. Opportunity seized, Here Comes Success.

I couldn’t tell you the day goddammit WHEN I first met Braxton Barks. Of course, I’ve told the story a million times over of that moment. The little ball of fluff that would become my world for years to come. And WHEN he left, there was nothing but new questions. I am thinking back to when I was in high school. All I would do is write down math problems. It wasn’t that I liked math as I asked myself WHAT am I doing waking up on the floor. Courtesy of my Old Man. My Love, why you and the kids will never see him. Anyway, there were problems that I couldn’t answer. I didn’t want to because it meant doing things I just couldn’t.

Like, get over B III? That’s never going to happen. WHO would dare say such a thing, well other than my Old Man? Are you asking me to? I’m sorry I don’t mean to get angry though I am holding onto it. Anything beats Depression, and I’ll become depressed ever. So says the man who cries every day over his lost boy. The one who doesn’t care WHERE Braxton is because I know he’s not here despite what I do daily. Call it Denial, pathetic, sad, some form of insanity. Bipolar because a doctor says so, but no not Depression? WHERE would I go then after 128 Days without him. Back into your arms, to the children wanting a daddy, not like my Old Man?

WHY that’s a Hell of an incentive. My Old Man was an angry asshole, and I’ll never be that. Didn’t I say I’m holding it close, hating and destroying myself? WHY because it’s well deserved because I failed when B III needed me most, but you need me, the children. HOW I’ll ever be the man I was, I don’t know yet. I’m still cursing myself because I could even accept your affection for but a moment. To feel anything but this pain is wrong. So here I am once again writing down these problems, tried, measured, and found wanting. Darling Baby Girl, the who, what, when, where, why, and how of my life. Our lives but to share this hurt; To B Level Man

128 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 341 ~The Walking Dead, Living Sit~

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Now I wish I could say the zombies came before… it doesn’t matter, but it looks like I have to start again. It’s a new world, but in July I’ll be writing about the old one. My loss, my learning, and living without B III. The Walking Dead, Living Sit.

Monday, June 7, 2021

Gospel 341 ~The Walking Dead, Living Sit~

Hundred And Ninety-First Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now and isn’t this how I always imagined it would be. First and always, a father; a writer?

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves as it comes to Rule 191. I should also choose my words with care, considering the goings-on in the world today. I’m sure I’ve talked about this with several of the girls and B. No, not his death again, but that railyard incident, damn. You know how I feel about my Day Job. Every day I talk about it’s like dying there, and Braxton indeed was. If I hadn’t been a zombie for four days, B III might be alive. Instead, five days passed, and you saw his peaceful end. It’s like Army of the Dead, and I’m Vanderohe. Even if I get out, Madam Justice, what will I become? Who will I be? And no, I’m not suicidal.

I may sit at my laptop and bleed, but that’s how I know I’m still alive. How many times, let’s see, 127 days have I mentioned my lost boy. That pain isn’t going anywhere, and you could give me more if it brought Braxton back home. Better Bargaining than Depression. Anyway, as I said, this is how I plan to make my billions by writing? First million, because I have a dream, I have a plan. Yet the know-how dear Madam J. If I’m alive, there is always time to learn something new. Maybe I wish I could go back to all those classes. Say what? You know how I hate the word “STUPID,” going back to school… oh my Madam, ahem, really FUCKING STUPID!!!

Less STUPID is my “Stuff And Thangs.” Seeing as how I’m a time traveler presently. I do wonder, am I a monk now? Nope! I’m trying, and I know I don’t want to give up yet. What is it that my motivations would always say? If it were easy, then everyone would do it, right? I talk about walking or standing and about sitting but lying down, I swear. As always, this is Inspector Echo’s racket, but here’s a confession. I almost broke this afternoon being Monday, May 31, 2021. The night before, I was all sorts of discombobulated, honestly. Nothing is permanent, Eric Thomas says. My vow, my rules, the boy that I thought would live forever, my Braxton. The Walking Dead, Living Sit

127 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 340 ~To Live After BD~

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The greatest failure of my life is losing my son. Only this week’s “mistake seems as cruel as ever and especially heinous. A weird way to look at “Stuff And Thangs,” don’t you think? “To Live After BD?” I haven’t liked thinking about it for 126 days.

Sunday, June 6, 2021

Gospel 340 ~To Live After BD~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now and pathetic, but to be sure, so are you. The things THEY say about money but you?

It’s not the lack of return, and you for damn sure remember. No, it’s the lack of physical restraint. God, if Braxton were here, you would not be running around the way you are. I was in the store yesterday dreaming up methods to make money because of the Day Job. Yeah, I don’t want to go, and you’re definitely pissed about the prospect. Well, that comes next to being fucking mad at yourself, no doubt. I’ve been the same this week; ashamed, anxiety-ridden, an asshole. However, to make it stop without quitting, answers, please. Only you don’t have any because I didn’t either. A greater one would be how to live without B III? Why not get this over with, failing Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Spontaneous by Aaron Starmer
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 156 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001) No Fap
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

How you hate writing these words. Failed is going to have to go up there with the most hated words. While you’re on the subject of that, what about your writing for “Stuff And Thangs.” You think no one wants to see that. Then they’re not looking at you either. You’ve grown used to it, well, not your teeth which is one more thing you should add to the Impossible, right? Hell living in this moment of BD should be just that. I was telling M Anime only last night. There’s no clue what I’m doing. This morning isn’t different. Yeah, the rage is coming back, the ANGER. You got to be mad at something, and it should be you and yeah, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Jegudiel by Tillie Cole
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Was I honoring Braxton by becoming a monk? As you can see, I have yet to work on getting that tattoo. He still sits on your nightstand. Today is day 126 since the beginning of BD, or should you say AB. No matter what, the truth will always remain; Failed. Dammit, what if it is the onset of Depression only instead, not crying with your eyes? That’s something that hasn’t changed in all 126 days, my tears, a moment in time to remember. Yes, to take all the blame. Acceptance, don’t ever dare imagine anything. Braxton is gone, and that loss can never be borne by anyone but you. Maybe you’re not so pathetic, hmm. Keep it in your pants. Breathe. To Live After BD

126 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 339 ~It’s Not B Con~

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Convict, Con Man, “Comic-Con,” okay, I’ve only been a bit of a cheat. I went to Juvenile hall once, and why I’ve wanted to go to Comic-Con. There’s plenty I want to see. My son, alive again. I can never forget him. Only, “It’s Not B Con” lately.

Saturday, June 5, 2021

Gospel 339 ~It’s Not B Con~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I ask myself, what am I doing wrong? I’m not jailed, cheating, hosting a panel.

No, my Lazy Ass, Lady Lu. Like today I said I was going to write out my dreams. There was the one where I was playing hockey, all D2: The Mighty Ducks. I’m pretty offended. In one more vision, I had a stalker and not the pretty Autumn Reeser as Taylor Townsend. He was a white man, and nobody heard me until I found his shoes in a plastic case. Last night I dreamed I was at work, and I got into trouble for “Stuff And Thangs.” I saw this sheet with marks by shoes, and the girl said I’d done well but with what I saw on the clock. It took me a minute, but feet were the overlying factor. I’m not that freaky.

If I had to guess, I would say first my feet are cold. Everything comes back to Braxton, and he would lie on my feet. His pillow was always below them, and without Braxton, Luna. The second I think, has to do with what I’m doing now. It’s like I want to be seen, but at the same time, I ain’t going nowhere like a display. Without Braxton, who’s watching? Lastly, the Day Job dream. I should have known better since the girl ragging me hasn’t worked there in years. Hell Lady Lu, I want to leave; B wanted that too. So I stay okay? Again I’m not explaining this to some Federal prosecutor, disappointed Friends. Or adoring Fan base. Even B III left me.

I mean, didn’t I ask him to? Only I remain stuck right here, Lady Lu. One more reason for the ice. When I went to honor B today, I didn’t even put on socks. I think of the 9th Circle. For some reason, I was scared to escape the stalker. As I said, I found shoes, but I needed to get dressed, and I wouldn’t look in the closet. Escape naked… the shoes wouldn’t move. If I did get away from the Day Job, I wouldn’t have anything. The shoes were right or wrong, but not one pair fit me, and so this week I’ve been busy. Prose, Posing, Prayer. Leaving my lips, “Oh God!” Because I’m staying here. The world It’s Not B Con.

125 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will