Tag: Grief

Chronicle 348 ~B Needing A Vacation~

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I’m going to Disneyland… Disney World as a kid. Now I want to do a brothel tour or go to the AEE. The last time I left to go anywhere was B’s Aunt’s wedding, which was a lot of driving. But a life I don’t need a vacation from? “B Needing A Vacation.”

Tuesday, June 14, 2022

Chronicle 348 ~B Needing A Vacation~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I’m sure I’ve seen a lot of the world. But there’s no place like home.

Or wherever it is, Triple B landed. Has he come back yet? I swear the only vacation I took before you was when I was a child with my Olds and little sister. I left on a road trip once all alone to go to Braxton’s Aunt’s wedding. I meant to bring him along, but it was “The Distance?” Next to being thrown out by my Olds… (I was too old true) that time apart? Five or six days was the longest time for Braxton and me. I didn’t need a vacation away from my son? I sound like one of those crazy parents, don’t I? Braxton brought such peace. Only you want me to get away from my grief for a while. I can’t

Hell! Take a look around. I’ve dedicated my life to creating a life from which I never have to run away. I’m with a woman that takes me to Heaven. Children, the joys of fatherhood. I wanted a business that makes me want to wake up every morning. Do what you love “THEY,” say? They come here, read my stories, by my stuff as their vacations, and I don’t blame them. I remember when vacation was on the island of a bed. The floor is lava indeed. Sloth is one of my sins, below Lust, Greed, and Wrath; idle hands are the Devil’s playthings. I don’t remember the last time I felt anything but disgusted with myself. You know, in doing nothing all day long. And without Braxton to care for? Train up a child…

The last thing I want to think about is what my Ma said. Mr. No days off. I know, a laugh. Hell! If I take a vacation, it will be from being a good man. I’m full of jokes today, right. Like Kill Bill Vol. 2, “I’ve never been nice my whole life, but I’ll do my best… to be sweet.” I’ll put down my manuscripts, money, damn, my morals in exchange for making love. Uh, I want to fuck, and you know this, but at least I’m not crying or sleeping. Such is joy. Because I always have to be doing something. And as far as relaxing? Recovering love. For 499 days? As long as it takes. I love you. B Needing A Vacation

Gospel 348 ~A Moment’s Ennui Grows Regret~

499 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 345 ~What Will It B~

WillLeave a comment

The ideas keep flowing. 1600 words per chapter, 30 chapters 48000 words. 15 poems, so around 1500 words. Add Braxton’s eulogy at 500 words, and you get 50,000 and “The Will To B III. But how will I waste time? Sleep? I want tacos. What Will It B

Saturday, June 11, 2022

Chronicle 345 ~What Will It B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means people wait on me. We’re all waiting on something. But in truth, I’m lazy.

Hell! I could use my “condition?” Only I still use “B.” I think about my boy, and any pain I feel is nothing by comparison. If I want to be punished… sleep, bed, blankets, warmth. Why not write? I both love it and hate it? All yesterday I was thinking about my next book? Yeah, I couldn’t keep a straight face… we’ll get to that. I’m sure B III would be giving me one of his looks. Anyway, so I’m thinking about fifteen “Braxton Stories.” Some of my favorites to the worst. You know me, Lady Lunalesca, me and lists.

  1. Meeting
  2. Who made who
  3. The choice
  4. Don’t die, mommy/daddy (Kill Bill Beatrix and BB)
  5. Just the two of us
  6. Make way for the king
  7. Guard Duty
  8. “Best Friend” Harry Nilsson
  9. The Plague Era
  10. This is us/life itself
  11. The Descent
  12. Voices
  13. About Last Week
  14. Goodbye
  15. Rainbow

You’ll have to excuse me, Lady Lunalesca. I’m firing off all sorts of ideas. Oh, I can’t wait. Like the song goes (Get Get Naked)? I’ll stick to my writing ideas now; thank you so much. Now in case, I haven’t talked about it before. My next novel will be told from my perspective and Triple B’s. “Triple B to B III.” How’s that for a title… thanks “From Straight A’s to XXX.” If I can stop thinking about hot brunettes, “Haley?” What about this Lunalesca? “The Will To B III” I like this one.

It would make the perfect follow-up to “My Turn To B III.” I swear, Lady Luna, I will be one of these pet authors soon. Well, that is if I can get out of bed. But how and why? (Laughs) did I make another eight bucks with my Stuff and Thangs on OnlyFans? No way, no how. I’m not looking forward to facing the Man in the Mirror. But here’s a spoiler alert; I’ll have finished another book. Filling my mind is always better than well “this or that.” No wonder I’m so tired. And yet I’m going to get up and choose a puppy? How about food, a Strawberry Frosty, Street Tacos, Blizzard. Rather ask, What Would Braxton Do than What Will It B.

Gospel 345 ~Good Morning B, Sorry~

496 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 341 ~Hope To B Kind~

WillLeave a comment

Kindness is not in my particular set of skills. It wasn’t in B’s either, being his father’s son. Though there was that one time, I had to leave him to go to a wedding… Hell! He was supposed to come to my wedding… he’d be the Best Man. Hope To B Kind.

Tuesday, June 7, 2022

Chronicle 341 ~Hope To B Kind~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But all the money in the world won’t make me forget. All You Need Is Love.

I need to get back into audiobooks because this music has me crying again. More time to think about more room in my heart. Not that I’m thinking about business. A great man once said, “we don’t love them hoes.” Of course, I wouldn’t call my employees such things. I like to think I’m kind. If not to myself, at least to the people I care for. Braxton’s returned? Not yet. I’m time traveling, speaking to you on a Saturday afternoon. A shocker, I know, right? I’m in bed, but at least I’m awake. Not seeing the fur babies today, not dealing with the Rebeccas, and a decent lunch. What was that I said about being kind to myself? Well (ahem) “When He Loved Me.”

Love isn’t what you say; it’s what you do, right? This is the second, maybe the third time, I’ve cried today. 492 days my love. With everything wrong with me, I’m surprised it’s not… Okay, better I don’t go put negative things out into the universe. Oh, to be kind. And you are baby girl, you are. I don’t know how many women would put up with me as I am now. Only it’s more than kindness, baby. Love. “Is there anything I can do?” Always from everyone, every day. Yeah, I’m not that popular am I? With all I am and what I do? I remember carrying B III down the stairs for a few months. Bringing fries back after work. Him beside me.

B III was too damn strong for his own good. “I hope he’s not like me; I hope he understands,” as the song goes. But he was. And with everything he taught me, kindness, love, courage? Goodbye… I don’t know what to think about this. I married a heroine, a goddess. Inevitably we were blessed with kids I named after those who were strong. Katniss, Tris, Ember, Luke, Leia, etc. I always remember my firstborn’s strength. But B III had more. It’s these things I hope to never forget. I hope to be the man I made him out to be always, forever. Be a man of kindness now… instead of one of mourning. But to you and our family, love. B Kind I Hope.

Gospel 341 ~The Walking Dead, Living Sit~

492 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 338 ~When Will I B~

WillLeave a comment

When will I be? The GQP talks a lot of S*** about when life begins. Most days I spend lamenting when my son’s life ended. Bad choice of words. Furry with four legs… no less my son. One worth living for because for myself, I still ask. When will I be

Saturday, June 4, 2022

Chronicle 338 ~When Will I B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. So that means I should get used to being interviewed. But I find myself censored more.

When will I lose this Republican ideology? That’s not the question I meant to start with today, but I’m tired for many different reasons. Even getting up at 4:00 AM. Ok, and then? When will I start writing… well, anything for real? As I said, I struggle to get up. And that’s with January 31, 2021, and January 11, 2022. And now, Camp NaNoWriMo will begin next month. As I said yesterday, besides the urge to pee, there’s the need to write. When will I do anything at all? Yesterday it felt like there was so much to do. And yet I feel like nothing was accomplished. Not a damn thing, Lady Lunalesca, but missing my boy. Mourning Braxton is my PROFESSION. I’m no Spartan.

Willy, what is your profession? Lunalesca, there are so many places I can go with that. Am I talking about, Stuff and Thangs, OnlyFans, just being, um, skeevy. Fucking word! Luna? Is it the fact that I don’t know who I am anymore? Not even how to spell my name? My name? As if it were ever my own, to be honest. Hell! I’ve always hated it, so you know. What am I doing with this existence? If the last few minutes are any indication… Well, I was going to say wasting my time. My time? Nothing belongs to me. Or that’s what I feel. Every day there’s one more reason to miss my son. Now he was mine because he chose me above all.

Why? Now that is the question of the hour. Um, several hours considering what I’ve been doing since, yes, 4:00 in the morning. Now it’s 6:30 AM, and what do I have to show Lu? Why do I exist in this routine? It’s not even a Saturday routine. It’s the wake-up, write, and/or post. Either go to the Day Job, the store, there’s PetSmart, and it all leads back to this bed to do nothing in the slightest. Nothing is stopping me from staying in bed. Closing my eyes B. Why aren’t you trying to find me? I’ll never get his eyes out of my mind. Can you blame me for going to PetSmart? It’s where I’ll be. But to LIVE? When Will I B

Gospel 338 ~B The Dream Within~

489 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 334 ~The Questions To B~

WillLeave a comment

On January 31, 2021, Braxton asked, “can’t we go home, Daddy?” No way to convince me otherwise when the vet came out holding him. The look in his eyes. We asked a lot of each other, and now silence. Money is loud. Love is Louder? “The Questions To B”

Tuesday, May 31, 2022

Chronicle 334 ~The Questions To B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now; doctors, school, PROTECTION, all for them, our children. This world, my love, the horror, the horror.

In truth, I’m scared of myself. Am I going to be all political today? I could cry some more over Braxton? I’ll do that anyway, him being my firstborn and all. But what’s the word still. Considering we’re talking on Thursday, May 26, 2022. This moment it’s the children. I’m halfway ready to pull our kids out of school and hire private tutors. What’s being done to little heads and hearts by the hands of evil men. Yes, the killer, but having billions, baby girl? I suppose I know something about politics. It always comes down to the money. But before you and me love, I suppose as the song goes… “First let me explain that I’m just a black man.” Stay black and die.

I’m Pro-Choice, Pro-Union, and I believe Black Lives Matter. Republicans are evil, and evil must be opposed. Democrats are idiots. No, they’re cowards, so more dangerous. Before you think I’m getting all-wise, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, 6×2 “Rocks and Shoals.” And The Walking Dead 7×05 “Go-Getters.” I swear I’m two seconds away from going all “The Cable Guy.” But I do know right from wrong. I’ve heard the way some say “Mental Illness.” I know the worst pain I have ever known in my life is losing my firstborn, my son B III. But he taught me what it means to love. Is that sad? My dad never gave me, um, The Talk. Only I remember talking to Triple B about his Aunt’s boobs.

I still believe that the epitome of manhood is fatherhood. Notice that’s my personal belief, and I’m not telling you or any woman what to do with your body. Well, our bedroom and business-wise, hmm. Some other time. And the question of B III and our story ending, sigh. I didn’t learn much from my Olds, though. Except money can’t buy me love. Braxton? I know there is no other him every day, so either this is forever, or he is out there, love. Reincarnation? I doubt our kids will be asking about that soon, ha-ha. Why’s daddy so sad? Because Braxton’s gone. Thinking of all the questions that don’t have any answers for them. But may they always ask them. The Questions To B

Gospel 334 ~Knowing Hell You Fear Heaven~

485 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 331 ~You Wouldn’t Believe B~

WillLeave a comment

You wouldn’t believe B; I need more sleep. That’s what I told my son plenty of mornings as soon as the sun was up. And afternoons after work. You wouldn’t believe B if he told you those were the best days of our lives. And now You Wouldn’t Believe B.

Saturday, May 28, 2022

Chronicle 331 ~You Wouldn’t Believe B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. I should say I’m crying right now. Disappointed, Discombobulated, playing with my dick. Could be true

You wouldn’t believe B AHEM, “when somebody loved me, everything is beautiful.” Hell! All I know is that I never want to open my eyes. Be it 2:30 AM to discover all the lights are on. My standard for waking up at 4:00 AM is because I want to be “Successful.” 5:15 AM? You’ll have to excuse me about the time. This morning, I discovered the last day, I felt “normal.” Well, I take that back. I haven’t felt like that since Braxton died but let’s say healthy… Tuesday, January 11, 2022. The question is, what am I going to do, Lunalesca? At the moment, not a damn thing. But when it was my ear… I was listening for B III. Dick ain’t helping anybody.

You wouldn’t believe B if he said that his Dad would find a way to save us both, Lunalesca. I’m trying Lunalesca. And yes, I know you could go all Master Yoda on my ass. But again, speaking of my ass. That’s what led to my discovery this morning. All it takes is getting out of your head. My big one or the one I’m damn-near always using, Lu? The one from Friday, um yeah. Then there’s my writing. Didn’t I say some lady asked me about it at the Day Job? Well, another girl asked yesterday. Talk about trying not to be discovered. I’m the guy with a dead fur baby. What more is there to me these days. Going through albums, not Braxton’s.

You wouldn’t believe B thought he was dying and that I wish… Haven’t I said enough dangerous words this Saturday? It’s not even 7:00 AM, Lunalesca and all I want to do is go back to sleep. Of course, you know I haven’t left the bed yet except for nature’s call. Again with what happened on January 11. I’m thinking about Sunday, January 31, 2021. The day I told my best friend goodbye. At least this morning, I wished a Happy Birthday to Cherry. I don’t know where I was at 25. As far as my Emergence Day, well, to sing you a song Lunalesca, “the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” But “Endure and Survive.” You Wouldn’t Believe B

Gospel 331 ~B In Present Tense~

482 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 327 ~A Vote For B~

WillLeave a comment

Get out and vote for a do-nothing who will have to do battle with an evildoer; at some point. I put more thought into whether B is in Heaven, Hell, or was reincarnated. That and boob size. America, America. A Vote For B.

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Chronicle 327 ~A Vote For B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’ve never voted for good. Of all the years, I’ve been voting not once.

But B III? I wish I could recall election day, but I ain’t asking my Olds about that. Um, no. How many times will I say this? The day we went to the new house and B made a choice. “Get in the car, B?” Not the Olds, not my sis (his second mom). Inevitable that someone would love me? Braxton hopped in the car and has been my son ever since that day. Ha, you think I have Republican quirks. B III wouldn’t change his mind for anything ha-ha. At least, I like to believe that. Hell! Besides my bloodline and his Aunt, he hated everyone else. He protected our borders like Cerberus. Winning Braxton… cook like Mom and have breasts like Stormy Daniels.

Then there’s you. Oh, I’m equal opportunity, breasts-wise. Boobless Wonder, Rebecca’s Backyard. Some video game vixens, and how big is a casaba melon anyway? Yabbos. Baby girl, it’s things like this. This makes me question why you chose me. It was less than a vote and more like; a roll of the dice. An investment. Maybe you felt doomed (sigh). Only you came out of ok. I don’t offer promises I can’t deliver. It’s a rule of business, even if it’s only an illusion. A bit. You must ask yourself why I keep asking why. I mean, me being in anyone’s best interest… ask Braxton, oh right. What would I know about healthcare or the economy? A few billion means I don’t have to, right?

Only I’m going to get up somehow, my love, and “go vote” for a do nothing to take on evil. Because I care about our children. And I refuse to be one of the parents crying on TV someday. Evil must be opposed, even if the people I vote for refuse to fight for anything. Should I let the kids vote on a new dog? It’s not like I’m getting any close to finding B. I’m glad you are my forever choice. Hell! So was Triple B but forever wasn’t long enough for the two of us. If I were a better man, I’m sure he’d be laughing he won from Heaven above when I arrive. Hell, we’ll be warm together. A Vote For B

Gospel 327 ~Fire, Iron Evaporate The Enemy~

478 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 324 ~Time To B III~

WillLeave a comment

Well, it’s time, but the only thing I’m sure of is that I’ll be crying at some point. I wish it was always at 4, be it AM or PM. I don’t feel like getting up, and my son is gone. Like love and grieving, my stupidity has plenty of time. Time To B III.

Saturday, May 21, 2022

Chronicle 324 ~Time To B III~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But of course, you expect me to say that. It’s routine, it’s regular, it’s all ruined.

That was 4:00 PM yesterday, to be specific. Do you remember that episode of How I Met Your Mother? (1×18) “Nothing Good Happens After 2AM.” Amend that to 4:00 PM? Lunalesca, I splooged all over Friday, which I deserve, for working on my Stuff & Thangs. At least I should have filmed it. But of course, you know who I talked to at the time. Speaking of BAD memories, I remember when my father kicked the shit out of me for not doing my Math homework. Luna, such dreaded memories pop up? IBC Root Beer? The worse thing is that my son died around 4:00 PM. No, I left after the fact and never saw him again. And yes, the tears are to be expected.

Lunalesca, you wonder why I start crying at 4:00 AM. Well, this morning, it was 1:45 AM. The lamp was still blazing, the TV was on, and I was surrounded by the messes I had made. Wow, I didn’t expect this conversation to go this way. Mind you. 4:00 AM thoughts? More like 6:30 AM. And that’s because I went back to sleep. I’m in no damn hurry. Seize The Day? Hell! Yesterday, I realized STUPID mistakes on top of the humiliations I suffered. For example, why I’m not feeling better “The Placebo Effect?” And why my Cranberry juice tasted “funky.” I grabbed the Cranberry-Raspberry instead. Stuff makes me feel sick. Stupidity in and of itself tells me I don’t belong here. Such dangerous words…

Now that’s nothing new, Lu. Going back to high school days, junior college Group #4 and She Who Won’t Be Named. So grateful to forget the dick-teasers, skeezers, and weirdos. The last time I could say I “Got 5 On It.” Yet another reason to miss Triple B. No fives… And 4:00 AM was a goal instead of a burden. 4:00 PM, he would be at his post for me. But “comedy comes in threes,” THEY say. And my son being gone… the comedian’s dead. Two against the world, that was us. Lunalesca. Where will I be Saturday 4:00 PM? Horrifying to imagine it. The wrong time but the right man, ha, always in the wrong place. That was my B. Time To B III

Gospel 324 ~Go To Bed B~

475 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 320 ~B There A Gift~

WillLeave a comment

Heart, Soul, and Mind, and my ass? I don’t even like my ass, mentally, I mean, physically, yay. So, I don’t have much to give, but I give all of myself when I love someone. Love is a gift, but where is it going now? No girl, no furry. B There A Gift.

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Chronicle 320 ~B There A Gift~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, not that it would have mattered to B III. But it doesn’t matter to you either.

As if I need another reason to be in the “doghouse.” That’s one way to get me out of bed, I suppose. But think of it like that “old” song from K-Ci & Jojo, “All My Life.” You know that line, close to me, you’re like my mother, father, sister, brother… whose closest to me? My mother gave me life, and I’m afraid I go back and forth on that. B being gone and all. My father took my life, well instead took my soul… my reason, wanting to live. You and Braxton, though, have another thing in common. Your gifts are that you gave it back when I had nothing to give to you. “And you are the only one, my everything.” No offense.

Never to compare you to such a love as that of my Braxton. And yet I feel as though I must apologize to you both. Hell, I could be apologizing to my B III for the rest of my life. I know I’ll leave you and our children behind someday. Yeah, that’s morbid, again, with what’s been going on for 471 days. But you know what I mean. That’s why time is such a gift, and how have I been spending it? You and Braxton saw me, accepted my worst. With everyone else, I was the worst. No exposition, no excuses. It is simply the fact that I expel breath to continue my existence. Death is your gift as if I were Buffy. I’m Crazy…

Damn straight, because I lost my best friend, second, third? Hell, I don’t know anymore. Gifts for B III’s Aunt, Mother’s Day, Cherry’s birthday, who knows what else is coming. Baby doll, seeing my face in the mirror when I can stand it. Giving this to you and B III.

To begin with, I didn’t have much, and when I got it… yeah, I’m a selfish bastard, I know it. But at the end of the day, both of you only wanted me. And there has to be more than “A Man Provides.” Because I know that love is a gift. I receive it every day; it rains down from Heaven or wherever B III resides. How Do You Want It? B There A Gift

Gospel 320 ~Leash Your Demons, Never Tame~

471 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 317 ~B It So Small~

WillLeave a comment

All The Small Things, The Little Things, Pretty Young Thing. And Little B was the cure for them all. I would tell B that he would be as tall as a king. I go back and forth between him being so high in heaven or heavy in a box. My life, B It So Small.

Saturday, May 14, 2022

Chronicle 317 ~B It So Small~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. It’s like saying my penis is small… An outright lie. Sorry for dick jokes or title.

Hell, if I were to write a poetry book for B III or any book period. Words are such little things, Lady Lunalesca. Yeah, that’s another lie, considering how tired they make me. Or I’m weak, whatever. My Lady, I’m late getting up and still sitting in bed this second. Who was it that said this? “You don’t want a girlfriend. You want a therapist who’s good in bed. Is that why I often converse with you and the girls from the bed? It’s inevitable. Lunalesca, of course, you don’t see a (P.Y.T.) Pretty Young Thing, walking out the door. Yes, lay off anything related to my penis. I’m not forgetting about my furry boy again, to be sure. I meant Braxton, and speaking of…

One more reason to miss the little guy. A humongous reason, being able to talk to him, Should I stick with a “happy” medium? I still hate that word too. Things that I miss Lu. Okay, so I miss those walks B, and I would take. Can’t say my health is looking any better for it. Having to stretch out to give him bites of food or find his furry little head to pet every day. He was never more than ten pounds, but are you gonna carry that weight? Always. Better him than anything at the Day Job. That’s something I should remember. The Day Job is one of the medium, middle, motherfucking circles of Hell. Greed, Anger, Hersey. My biggest sin is Treachery.

I know Lady Lunalesca. I finished listening to the Succubus Lord series some time ago. Remind me to yell at Eric Vall about his book deliveries. Braxton’s Aunt’s birthday gift. That’s a big thing, disappointing my friends. Then again, dear Braxton is my best friend. And yet I made every cent such a big deal. There was never any until it came to his end. I didn’t mean to make sadness the gigantic talking point here, but as the song goes. I’m just a sucker for pain. Or, with my ear no longer being the main problem, I can switch back to why I’m sucking up dried cranberries again. Something so small that’s not helping, unlike B III or another furry… B It So Small

Gospel 317 ~Ask Your Mother B~

468 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will