Tag: Grief

Chronicle 131 ~Can’t We B Friends~

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Who’s your best friend? I’d like to say a pretty girl. More to the point, Braxton would say over my dead body, and here we are. Well, minus both girl and dog. There’s a lot of pretty girls in this city but only one Braxton. So Why Can’t We B Friends?

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

Chronicle 131 ~Can’t We B Friends~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but also a Boy as in, “that’s my boy.’ A Brother. A Better man, aka Daddy.

Ah yes, what about, husband? Before that Betrothed? If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been reading another book “This Dog’s Afterlife.” It has a couple losing a dog and another losing a kid but anyway. How about a Boyfriend? Good times.

Further back even, a Best friend, right? Nobody tells you how to be these things. If I were my father, I’d throw some money at it and consider myself a good man. These days I’m less and less of one I know. Of course, I failed way before now. Even more than the 282 Days since B III’s been gone. I’m tired. You put up with my ass when I had the old-day job. You survived my madness back then, but B III didn’t. I envy him every so often.

Some days like today. I should have stopped myself sooner. Working for people I hated, and it’s cost me the one I love. Then it’s a fucking domino effect; pardon my language. I’ve been down for so long, and I ain’t getting up any time soon. Well, then I’m disgusted. Getting “up?” There’s some things you don’t tell your friends. Keep it “In The Closet.” No, I don’t mean like that. I’ll entertain dark “passions” over hatred forever, baby girl. Impossible as it may seem. As my best friend lay dying, I had no idea who I was or what. So every single day, it’s like I’m living some sort of character and the real me? It’s Kill Bill and, wiggle your big toe Love.

A friend might tolerate all my pop culture references; a best friend would get them all. And then there was Braxton. He would be right here listening to “Ben,” “Would You Be There,” and “In The Closet,” thinking to himself. “Women ain’t nothing but trouble.” Braxton was/is the boy, as the kids say, “kept it 92 plus 8.” Oh, um, and you, my Baby Doll. You could ask anything of me, anything at all. Your wish is my command, but in this, my lost son. I know I must sound like a fool which explains why I don’t have many friends. If I did, though, I wouldn’t go around killing them. Where’s Braxton’s privilege there? That doggie in the window. Why Can’t We B Friends

282 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 128 ~B Aching My Heart~

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For the third time in 279 Days, I was offered a dog. My sister showed me a dog only days after B III died. A woman on Facebook told me about a Chihuahua. And today, for a second week at PetSmart, these ladies asked me about Chase. “B Aching My Heart”

Saturday, November 6, 2021

Chronicle 128 ~B Aching My Heart~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I can still be petty as all Hell. I can still hate the world, right.

On the 30th, Lady Lu I was embarrassed, enamored, and enraged from going to PetSmart. Embarrassed as I offered my number and email. The lady asks, “for what?” I’m stupid. Enamored with a dog named Chase that I would never see again. I’ll get to him in a sec Lu. Enraged at the lady there, myself. COVID 19 is nothing with people’s stupidity Lady Lu. There are two places on Earth this second where everyone knows my name. Well knows me, at least. Talk to my “father’s” old work buddies sometime. Tony has a son? Anyway, so I walk into PetSmart today, and these women are all around me. “We have Chase. He’s not here, but we can bring him, just say the word.” YES

NO Lunalesca, the answer has to be no, and it breaks my heart. That’s why I go to PetSmart every Saturday, I think. To tell me that it’s still there to be broken, not fixed. I don’t deserve it, Lady Lu, I mean to know, what peace? Hell, I’m breaking the bank, my balls, my book but this incessant heart of mine beating remains. But B III doesn’t hear it. I’ve talked about getting messages. The power flipped out for a second, and his picture frame flashed. B’s stuff on the floor, how his treats lie undisturbed. But nothing Saturday. Well, I take that back. Remember how I talked about the bank? With my budget, I bought a book for a buck, “This Dog’s Afterlife.”

Coincidence, you think? Braxton is a hard habit to break, and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. I told M Anime that she makes it difficult for men to date her. Getting close, nope? I’m doing the same thing when it comes to fur-babies. My Day Job, as always, sucks. Say the magic words “Humiliations Galore.” I’ve been chasing one chick’s Yabbos for weeks now. It’s a good thing God gave Adam a woman and not a dog. I’ve got neither, but which did more damage? Ahh, yes, bring on the waterworks Day 279. So with all the things wrong with me, what should worry me, Luna? I wish it was NaNoWriMo; I’m lying. The truth is worse. Braxton’s Dead, B Aching My Heart

279 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 124 ~B Fixing That Soon~

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What makes a man? I’ve said before I thought it was women or their mammaries, to be specific. It could be money. I want to get away from my father, and what’s my age again? Or it could be mutts though B III was purebred. Love, B Fixing That Soon

Tuesday, November 2, 2021

Chronicle 124 ~B Fixing That Soon~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means when it comes to small stuff… The wi-fi and not my son. Man’s Priorities

Friend? Hell, Best Friend? For forever and a day, B III will be my son, but before all that. Yesterday I was reminded of when I first met him. My sister’s dog. It’s what B was, my sister’s dog. How was I to know what he would be? I wasn’t anybody. I’m only a man. Friend, Forever, Father. Did I even have any friends back then? Nope! Braxton fixed that. I talked a lot about “forever.” Well, no, I said the world was going to end, and B fixed that. As far as loving something, someone that wasn’t fixated on some Yabbos. Braxton fixed that. And so you wonder why I’m falling apart. Dealing with my father last week, I have to fix, pretend me.

Forever can’t get here fast enough. I’m tired of the stuff I have to do. Tiring myself in things that shouldn’t matter… NaNoWriMo. I won’t lie. When I first saw you, it was all about Paradise By the Dashboard Light. If you knew how much I wanted you then, now? Only I was a different man back then. You make me better, but Braxton made me whole. Now I sit here like Wilford Young, trying to figure out how to keep Snowpiercer running. Instead, I want to be Andre Layton. My Love, I have a thing for brunettes, Baby Girl. Braxton was/is one of a kind, as are you. Only I can’t have him back. Such a small part, yet all of them come together.

Fatherhood made me the man I am. I’m a Dad, ok. It’s why I’m still here and will be. Love. Now I don’t tell you much about my father other than finances. Strived for billions. Money, My Love, children need time, reason instead of terror, for someone to feel Love. Braxton never asked for a dime. But everything I did, I did to make sure he was ok. It’s the same with our children. Did I rely on him too much? We are supposed to be there for our children, not the other way around. But no one wakes up knowing how to be Dad. How to do that when Braxton was trial and error. We built each other; now repairing… B Fixing That Soon.

275 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 121 ~To The B Eve’d~

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I’m sure someone said something wise of grief and hunger, not that I found it… I’m not that smart. All I know is that when Braxton died, my Ma asked whether I was eating, and I picked up ribs. Are you hungry seems easy enough to ask? “To The B Eve’d”

Saturday, October 30, 2021

Chronicle 121 ~To The B Eve’d~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I must be clever? Well, you saw that title. “Behave In The Cherry Patch?”

No, NaNoWriMo Eve is tomorrow, and so is Halloween. Let’s not forget Fear The Walking Dead and Walking Dead: World Beyond. The start of a new week and my list of eff ups aka Six Impossible Things. But um, God “rested” on the 7th day. Yep so did B III. But my story, didn’t I say I would be bringing characters back from the dead? My “loves?” Or am I digging myself into a tiny grave when it comes to writing? There will be some “plowing,” in my words. Don’t remind me, yesterday was all about Blue Balls, Lunalesca. I don’t know how I’m going to write with that kind of pain. Oh, right, the only bodily fluids leaving were tears over B III again.

Saturday was B’s last full day. He couldn’t do a damn thing but Test His Might. If God made woman from one of man’s ribs, man took another and gave it to the dog. Oh yeah, the dog was smart enough to bring it back. Ooh, that was not a gripe at women, Lady Luna. Hell, if anything, I’m not the man sitting on his ass drinking a beer and watching the game. I’m the boy lying in his bed waiting for his best friend to come back home. Braxton would be proud. I ignored him most of the week, but he was no fan of Sundays. That’s the truth. Once again, it’s Saturday, but I guess I’m getting an early start on my grief.

Braxton, boobs, and that “bad man” better known as Dad. One I’ll never see again, two I want to avoid, and three is calling Monday. But Sunday will always be the worst day for me. Some things are supposed to be said, smart things for sad times. Only every single day feels like a funeral, but I’m not sure whose. Yet I stay crying over one, my Little B. Lady Luna, is that why I don’t want to talk about today? I betrayed him when I watched him dying. I go and look at the other fur-babies like B III hasn’t been gone 272 Days. There’s no day or night, only life and death. Stories, Saturdays, my sucky life. Say What? To The B Eve’d

272 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 117 ~Will B Decorating Soon~

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Stores are filled with holiday crap these days. It’s meant to bring out our touchy-feely nature. I’m still mad at having to put down new floor mats at the Day Job. Hell B’s life was new comfy spots. Let me close my eyes. “Will B Decorating Soon”

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Chronicle 117 ~Will B Decorating Soon~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means whatever you want for the house for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Listen to the woman

That’s a piece of advice I won’t ever forget. Next to how my Ma taught me how to cook shrimp and also make tartar sauce. The lessons on how to make a house into a home. All I know for sure is, A Man Provides. Please tell me I’ve done that these past 268 Days. Sometimes I don’t recognize this house anymore. I’ve known people who have suffered such loss and have to move away. Anyone tells me that Braxton was just a dog… well, there’s a reason I got myself a gun, and I don’t go near it. Hell Braxton rests high above it. On the nightstand, the Box, his hair, my pendant with some of his ashes. But how about the wall, hmm?

What about the tattoo I talk about every week? I was reminded of it today (Saturday) by my third best friend. Braxton, of course, is first, then you, then her. Well, I’ve been in trouble a lot over Braxton. I’m still cringing about the former Day Job and those mats. “JSS,” Just Survive Somehow, she told me. Some framed pics, a chest, a photobook, a stand. I have the first book I wrote for Braxton. I’d like to write another and have other dog books. I never knew how much stuff Braxton had, and here I am, willing to give up everything or plenty because I don’t want to lose you or my family. It’s why I embraced the holidays. They’re easier than my loss.

I’m no repairman or decorator. While being Daddy to our kids brings the greatest joy. A house is not a home without a dog. Or a cat, other furries as well. I’m a dog person. And a spoiled one at that. I saw this black beagle mix named Shay today at Petsmart, who looked so scared. Braxton was meant to be an accessory for my sis, but Shay’s place, um? At least she matched my clothes. Yes, I know a gift for the kids but ask my father about a family pet. Yeah, that’s right, you’ll never meet him. My father taints whatever I love. Loving another Chihuahua, of course. I’m a snob in beauty, in books, and bringing doggies home. Will B Decorating Soon

268 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 114 ~No, Not The B’s~

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The bed’s not a mess, but then again, I might have to make it to see a difference. As if anything makes a difference when one political supports the Nazis. The years before, when I had a girl of the week, Anya, Panam, Jen. B’s still gone. No, Not The B’s

Saturday, October 23, 2021

Chronicle 114 ~No, Not The B’s~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, meaning I’d buy a safe place for animals not lucky like B. Blue Pills and Bullets.

The places my mind goes. Last night I didn’t dream about Braxton. But the dream I did have. Now Lu, like everything else in my life, it’s second-rate, second-best, and didn’t allow a second round. Let’s say I should call a physician as it lasted over four hours. Lady Lu, living in a would-be tyranny thanks to the Republican Party. That’s not to say I like the Democrats either. Um, M Anime is all for Anarchy but in a peaceful sort of way. Anyway, so my dream was of Wolfenstein, well, Anya Oliwa-Blazkowicz, to be specific. She wasn’t the only one; there was Panam Palmer from Cyberpunk 2077. And Jennifer Mallick, aka “Huck” TWD World Beyond. There were a few more. But leaving it there.

So as the song goes, AHEM, Lady Gaga “Sexxx Dreams.” This might explain why I didn’t get off on it. Despite how long I lounged around in bed. I still am at 7:20. It would have been something if I were only watching the performance, but I was “Begging,” Lunalesca. Did I mention my ears are being assaulted by everything? Okay, love the music, yup. Lunalesca, if you didn’t know, the Nazis that I’ve often read about are here, Republicans. Oh, there’s the Alec Baldwin shooting. It’s been on my mind. Shutting everything off. Ain’t that the dream? I wish I had thought about that yesterday. No, I save all my wishes for Braxton to come home. Or to go trust that chick from Facebook.

Hell, I wish I could enact a punishment that I know I deserve for B III. I’m a weak man. Always under the influence of a pair of breasts, boobs, books talking about them, hmm? Always at the mercy of bucks, bills, benjamins. Speaking of which, an errand for today. Always afraid of bullets, ballistics, busting a cap as the kids say nowadays? Staying away. Better an excursion to the bank than being with a weapon I shouldn’t touch, definitely. There’s the other weapon poking up, and it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours, damn it. As I said, the dreams. If I dreamed of Braxton, I’d be bawling my eyes out, which will happen sometime today. Instead, my balls are useless. No, Not The B’s

265 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 110 ~To B Somewhere Else~

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I need a vacation, and I mean a real break. Hell, I haven’t been to the movies in about two years. I went to my second best friend’s wedding. Happy Anniversary, Carolina Bound to you and the hubby. Of course, where was B III then? To B Somewhere Else

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

Chronicle 110 ~To B Somewhere Else~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but sooner or later, I would have found myself sitting there. “Let’s go home, Daddy.”

Not a day goes by where I don’t see that moment. My Ma told me that I’d make room for “Happy” memories. I wish I were Happy with Braxton. Am I Happy with you? A considerable discussion but with Braxton. I was better than I am right now, Love, without question. When I met Braxton, I was a twenty-something boy in my Olds bedroom one night. Remember when I told you that Braxton jumped into my car when they moved away. How many times did I stroll into the house, and Braxton was thrilled I’d returned? Home is where the heart is, and the second B was gone. The first thing was I couldn’t go home. You know exactly where I wanted to go. Rainbow Bridge.

Now I’ve been looking all over the house for a place. I’ve never been one for decoration or art. I mean, there is still Braxton’s room. My oldest hoody, hanging on the door. His meds and what’s left of his food in its place. Treats on the table; Braxton’s Remains. Every day I want to put them in another type of urn. That is if I ever get the nerve to open that box again. Hell, I’m tempted to give him a wall in the bedroom, ok. Do you think I’m mad? I’ll get one of those Cuddle Clones for the foot of the bed. And there is my tattoo. Besides working, my betrayal, and the need for survival, I haven’t been anywhere else Love.

I need a vacation, another bed with you in it, of course. Where do you think we should go? I take it you want a real trip, but I can’t even get up to go to the movies. There was lunch with my second best friend and her hubby, and I’m still so embarrassed now. There’s no escaping fear, shame, I was going to say, the truth. The truth shall set you free. So am I happy with you and the world that we have even without Braxton living? Yes. Do I know that I can’t go on like this always and forever as I told Braxton the same? Yes. Will I ever find ACCEPTANCE in him being gone? My Love, To B Somewhere Else.

261 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 107 ~To B The Boss~

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I got soul, but I’m not a soldier, which explains why I never made it in the Navy or the Army. I was a Dad, but where’s my son? Now somebody wants me to be the boss, and I think about how much I effed up Thursday. Me being in charge, “To B The Boss.”

Saturday, October 16, 2021

Chronicle 107 ~To B The Boss~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which makes me “The Man.” Hell, I’m a man, I keep telling myself. The world disagrees.

Now I’m not in the LGBTQ community though I support it. God only knows the number of friends titties I want to see, SIGH. Braxton was enamored with Carolina Bound’s. Some things I couldn’t give my son. I wish he had met his stepmom. But “How To Be The Man.” Day one when B and I found ourselves on the porch of this place. I hugged my boy, and I said, “we have to look out for each other. It’s only us now.” Oh, and now I have one bedroom made into a Den. The second one is The Library/B III’s Room. Uh yeah, family. I’ve said and not to sound like “idgit” Marjorie Taylor Greene but being a father is the epitome of manhood.

It was/is the most tremendous honor, privilege, duty of my life. Thou Art Courageous to take up such a task. Great men do not seek power; it is thrust upon them. Before I rip off another game or show, do you remember Little B jumping into the car choosing me? Lunalesca, I picked him the moment I saw him in my Old Man’s hands. Hell, I don’t know what to do with myself, but it was effortless with B III. Love. That’s why I’m so lost. I don’t love myself, and while I care for my friends, when I’m not staring at their tiddies. Yeah, I should stop watching Emily. Anyway, I refuse to lead anyone else to ruin, to death, or worse, my STUPIDITY.

That’s why this boss man stuff has me so terrified. It’s not like I’ve even acted on anything; I only got the promotion Thursday. It took me fifteen years to fail Braxton. I hear you, Lady Lu, that was old age. We’re talking what a few months here. Humiliations Galore. Yesterday I was looking over the schedule thinking as soon as I saw my position… Lunalesca, I didn’t go crawling into the bed, but again I failed six impossible things. Braxton and I knew Yabbos could fix anything. Boobs and chocolate before The End, ha. It would have been the least I could do as his Daddy. As his boss? My boy led me through life. My Turn To B III. To B The Boss

258 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 103 ~Hip To B Square~

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Braxton was a little me sometimes. He was quiet on Sundays because he knew I watched TWD. He was annoyed at the Olympics, but wrestling, B would zoom around as I wasn’t paying attention. He thought he was a pimp on walks. “Hip To B Square.”

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Chronicle 103 ~Hip To B Square~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and money can make anyone beautiful. Or so I’ve been told. What about cool, My Love?

Well, I’m still crying over my Lost Boy. It’s now been 254 Days. Planning my cryfest, our conversations, and how much cash I got, we got. I hope we’re not on a “sex” schedule, ha. That’s one area of my life that I’d like to keep Spontaneous. Then there’s something… My Braxton, again? Acceptance isn’t something I’m going to find in any novel waiting. It’s Sunday (Time Travel). Yeah, I cried this morning and this afternoon around 3:30 – 4:00 PM. Nope, I’m not opening his resting place again until I have something better. My skin? Tattoos are cool, right, except I believe that some people go overboard. If it’s in tears or ink, can’t I have both. It would mean venturing from bed or Den.

How about going down to PetSmart? Saturday, the doggies weren’t there, but I did get another email about one. Lucky for him and me, by the time I looked the puppy up, there were takers. Not like I need another beautiful thing to have put into a box. Creepy cool? Why do I care about being cool all of a sudden? Didn’t need that to get you, my Sweet Love. There’s always Love but with that comes, my Grief too. Now Squid Game becomes routine. It’s a lot of tears from Episode 6, but not from me. Hell, I cried so long for my “Gganbu?” Again I’m trying to be like everyone else, the Cool Kids. I’m your husband, also a father, a provider. Braxton’s…

The Hell if I know. But I feel you, Baby Doll, on my side, my hip. B, Carolina Bound, etc. You’ve listened to me prattle about my newest “obsession?” It’s not that, but it’s good. We haven’t been out in how long? Every dinner has been bagged or boxed somewhere. Baby Girl, I’ve lost myself in books. Emulating Bill Gates style. I only mean reading. You’ve been worried I could end up in some fancy box with how I’m moving. Acceptance of what has happened is not cool at all. Neither is dying. I wish I could call myself a nerd or a geek. I’m not smart enough and with what I’ve been into. I’m always into you (wink). But Love… Hip To B Square

254 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 100 ~Not For The B’s~

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Once a buzzing in the walls was the worst of my problems. I said, “eff them Bees.” It was one of the neighbors, though, and we would all be in trouble without the bees. But for me without B III… books, boobs, bucks, it doesn’t matter, Not For The B’s

Saturday, October 9, 2021

Chronicle 100 ~Not For The B’s~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’ll tell you I would help more animals than people. Oh yeah, my Republican tendencies…

I had a dream as I continued to be a lazy ass this morning. Yeah, I got up at 4:00 AM but slept an extra hour. I’d say, cut me some slack, but I don’t deserve it. At least I’m not sitting in bed buck-ass naked looking for an excuse to do laundry today. I’m back to, day one Lunalesca. So my dream. There was a brown dog, much darker than my Braxton, growling at me that I was trying to fight off. It was with my left arm, you know where I keep planning on getting my tattoo for B. She was a bitch too. I do mean that in dog terms, of course. Well, did I die, you want to ask Lady Lu?

Let’s say; I’m not in the mood to go see the doggies. But it’s Saturday, I’ll stick to the routine. Speaking of Republican tendencies or a white man who leaves the one they love the most. The 30th, remember. “First let me explain that I’m just a black man,” as the song goes, Lady Lu. That’s the one thing I can’t forget in this world. There’s reading the Succubus series. Lunalesca, there are the books. The financial sort that has been kicking my ass some days. What about my book? I should be cheating, as NaNoWriMo starts in November, Lady Lu. More books, but how have I been worried about making money. Yesterday, doing shit that I would never let Braxton see or Beatrice either.

I’m sticking with that name, Beatrice, as in Dante’s Inferno. If I see a brown dog today, I’m steering clear. Can I get more Republican, ha? Didn’t I use to say life is all about Bucks, Babes, and Bullets? Bullion, Biology, Boobs; better Bombs, Brunettes, Burials? Braxton should have always come first, and he did. I keep telling myself that falsehood? I can’t keep my boner in my pants, I refuse to work on my book, and where are all the bucks. Um, ok, in the piggy bank in “Squid Game,” along with people’s brains going everywhere. Living in a world that every day I see more and more that’s doomed. My apocalypse partner… Braxton is dead. Supporting NaNoWriMo… nope, I should help keep the Bees. Not For The B’s.

251 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will