Tag: Humiliation

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

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Is it a job, is it a career, is it dream, all I know is, for the most part, it’s a place that I don’t want to be. I don’t have to be, but then again while I obviously don’t care for my own life, my son likes eating most days. “Just Another Red Shirt”

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Lesson 151 ~Just Another Red Shirt~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, though if I quit my job today, there would be plenty, of course, it didn’t matter when I was just another red shirt, I’ll give you a point if you get that reference though I don’t particularly feel funny today. There are plenty of places I can go on the subject of humiliation, sadly though I can’t go to HR and the unemployment line, I need this job, now more than ever but that doesn’t make it right does it?

I should probably save this for Lady Sophia, but I finished NaNoWriMo today and needless to say I will need to keep my day job now for now and it might also help if I get a decent night’s sleep. Remember Arby’s; there was pretty much no way to avoid the madness getting to me, the anger, sleep deprivation and here I am talking to you because I’ve been doing nothing but wasting my time. No, I don’t mean with you but with today, and right now I just feel so hallow you know, just give me a shovel and start digging because we know what’s going to happen with this novel now don’t we?

Anyway so I’m at work, and the general manager is just getting into me you know, I’m okay with being a fool, calling myself stupid but it utterly destroys me when other people do it you know. Worst is the fact that I decided to tell the truth… okay, not the whole truth then I would be fired but enough and what do I look like to you Inspector Echo, a fucking comedian. Yeah, where was that language when I honestly needed it today, but nobody wants the truth, we all want to believe, we all want just to hope.

Live For A Better Tomorrow, is the last chapter of my book, but didn’t somebody once say to write what you know and all I know is I know nothing which is something that I choose to apply to my day job and my dream. Both waste today without a doubt but at least tomorrow I’ll be humiliated yet again, and the other one will just be a disappoint truly.

So what am I asking forgiveness for, wasting so much time, being bereft of hope or just knowing right now I’m Just Another Red Shirt.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

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How many days did he waste his money on tutoring, how much did it cost for me to fail miserably and take a final exam twice just do my school could get rid of me, not to mention being a college dropout, now that’s a story? Let’s Do The Math

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but me plus you equals a ton of it but maybe I shouldn’t say you, just damn near anybody else and then my heart is stone, along with everything else and God help you if you’re a pretty girl. Math has never been my strong suit, which ain’t saying much, what about English or Psychology, before I even knew to call it Anxiety at all.

I’m not sure if I ever told you this story but my senior year of high school I was failing yet another Math class and my “father” put me in a tutoring, which of course didn’t help because I didn’t have the minimum basic skills to be human. I never talked to anybody, never got help, and the one time I did try to communicate with another person, let’s just say something else was rock hard. Too bad it wasn’t a headstone, yet another one of those times suicide seemed a viable option, and yeah I know I have no one to blame but myself because as far as he’s concerned, anxiety doesn’t exist honestly.

All I did was write down problems and when he found out he beat my ass, yelled at me and the tutors, and here I thought people were monsters but compared to him… so yes I learned how to talk to people to a certain extent. On the other hand, I won’t ever be promoted at work because I still lack the same skills I did as a teenager, thus I’m asking less money. How many girls numbers do I have, maybe two and I’m not sleeping with either of them so what is the point Inspector Echo, any purpose?

I waste money because I don’t think I’m ever good enough and don’t ask me how old I am and I’m still alone, well I got the dog so that’s one and a half occupants here. My whole damn life has been one 3/5’s Compromise… okay so I might have liked History and what do we learn from History, those that don’t learn from the past, so on, so forth.

How many times can I apologize for having anxiety an even if I went as high as a million at the end of the day it will always be there won’t it? So am I forgiven for living my life, surviving, wasting it because even one word scares the hell out of me, my “father” *sigh* Let’s Do The Math?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

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And you are again, you’ll have to forgive me, having forgotten myself some time ago how can I be expected to remember anyone else, well besides the dog at least. Love A Bad Name, really what’s in a name anyway?

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I know your name but more often than not, I have no clue who I am and so in a way it doesn’t matter who anybody else is I suppose. Isn’t that me being a philosopher rather than just saying, I got really bad anxiety and while I can remember in great detail while I hate a man, dude I can’t remember his name to save my life, which is fine since the humiliation makes me want to die anyway.

Recently it was the day job, and it seems like everything was conspiring against me to learn this new guy’s name, nametag always out of view, too much noise, and “hey you” isn’t polite, is it. It always gets worse, I’m sure I once talked about how everyone called me Mr. Willie for years until I went on a rant to HR, not one of my finer moments. You need another example, I didn’t know my grandmother’s name was Marie forever, so people would call asking for her and I’d tell them they had the wrong number in her own place I mean just seriously.

Now if you want to talk about all the things that I have been called over the years… even with all that I still hate my given name, *ahem* Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~ but you know I am a man of contradiction. If I can’t correct somebody on my own name how the hell am I supposed to remember theirs, not that I intend to be friends even at work, my motto is, if you want something done right, do it yourself. Speaking of which I’m still meaning to go on that rant at one of the meetings but strangely enough, I need a few big names there to have the right zing.

I at least was going to say I was never a bully but there was this guy I hated as a kid and this lady asked me who I was talking to and I said, “not much” as I scoffed at him, yes Inspector Echo remind me to pick up a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Here’s another thing, the fact that one can think themselves so ugly that they seek infamy to be known for something other than their face?

I am sorry that names seem to escape me, as the song goes, “I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name” or I’ve been at the house with a dog and no cares. You know that’s going to end come Black Friday, so aren’t we all sorry because with so many new people, Love A Bad Name.

I Will Have No Fear

Only Can Discover

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A cure maybe, or a way to find relief, other than filling my head with numbers, how many times I checked the door, or people stay quiet, a method of forgetting and not having to worry about so much. Only Can Discover healthy.

Oh did I forget to lock the door
or should I try once more, I swore
only to turn around, before

conceivable the dog runs out of water
catching myself but what I said to somebody’s daughter
catastrophic humiliation, why I oughta

delay going in if people saw it, read it, and
decided… it doesn’t matter, I think I can, I think I can
do it, get up and go, man

oops, how many times, five, four, three,
can I ever be free of this disease?
Don’t know but count on my being O.C.D.

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 005 ~Freezing with Embarrassment~

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Was the sin I committed ever so great that I must fall further still, I burned and now I freeze because of it; humiliation is not new at all. “Freezing with Embarrassment”, now I don’t suppose any weatherman can help me with that.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Lesson 005 ~Freezing with Embarrassment~

“Can you blush?” Blade II

Lu,
Let’s chalk that up to one of those things I’ll never be able to do, though I’ve tried and yes stupid people have noticed. Now I’ve been talking about a burning in blood as of late but today’s lesson will be on, guess what… humiliation.

I’ve been told I wear my heart on my sleeve and we both know I tend to take things to seriously which leads to a lot of resentment and plenty of anger. Trust me I have plenty of fuel to burn but while I was at work today “it” happened again. The “it” when for a moment in time I freeze, I remember, and it takes me a minute or so to fight back the feeling, my version of a panic attack I suppose Luna.

The last panic attack I recall… somewhere between when I worked for the “red shirts” and when I met an online friend in real life; the shaking, the breathing, the experience of the whole world falling apart but it’s just me crumbling at the time clock or the box office. Only that’s not the real Hell and we will be getting to one of my “Dante’s Inferno” rants, I have still sworn off the second circle for a while. What I thought about today is that it’s not the burning that gets to me but the being frozen in place and time, that wrecks me.

No, it doesn’t, it keeps me, that’s the worst part about it, you see a wreck, hitting rock bottom would be the end, and I’ve talked about being destroyed before. It’s the after, that might be more problematic than the event itself, the aftermath.

I’ve heard the saying that everything you want lies on the other side of fear, so you walk through Hell, you burn but I’ve never experienced that sense of relief that freedom of yeah I’ve done it and I’m finally okay.

Take for example today, well I mowed the yard maybe a week ago right, I think “okay the neighbors won’t yell” they never have but anyway I get back to the house today and boom two big anthills, one center of the yard, another half into the neighbors. So I rush out and put some ant killer stuff on the yard right, problem solved but no I’m stuck on how long have those anthills been out there, did the neighbors see, what if the stuff doesn’t work, did I use it wrong, was it the wrong stuff etc. Talk about building a mountain out of a molehill or anthill in this case honestly.

You didn’t think I was going to go a day without talking about the incident right, just more proof that I’m stuck here, will I apologize again, will I hate, been ignoring her and most mutual people on Facebook. Do they know who I really am, what do they think about me, will I ever comment again, will I ever shut up?

What about when I was at work today, first I said I got stuck in my moment and usually when I’m there I either kick a hole in a box or stomp my foot really hard like I’m stomping on the devil, stupid religious background. Anyway, I get asked to deliver the jewelry p to the front, a simple enough task, except I don’t know where they want the cart, not to mention some of the boxes were mixed, hats and things, general vicinity but not exactly jewelry. Besides that, and the stupid pillows, so much for any thoughts of walking tall but I try, Lady Lu, I really try but it’s almost like this person I am is set in stone, like any headstone.

That’s my whole point, it’s as if I’m already dead in a way, another reason I stomp the ground, maybe I’m trying to get myself out of the ground but I keep falling back into it, frozen in place or just trudging my way through the snow, however, I can.

Seems dumb to be talking about snow here… the actual weather matches my mood, either a torrential storm or burning hot. You know that’s how my father does it, hate that I’m giving him any props but that’s how he gets by, he hates the whole damn world and everyone in the end just kowtows.

I go back and forth with this hating people thing and why I have bad thoughts, I guess though I have a sliver of hope left for humanity. I prefer the higher circles but, anxiety, shame, rage, all drive me down lower, they burn me but the lowest circle of Hell is encased in ice. The greatest sin is Treachery and this I truly believe and either I or my anxiety is guilty of such a sin dear Lady Ly.

In is defined as a violation of faith; betrayal of trust, treason, perfidy, faithlessness, but am I the betrayer or have I been betrayed… to be honest, both. I don’t betray other people, okay I mean if they came at me first but I do betray myself every single day, and then some and here I wonder why I don’t get anywhere. The more I warm to someone and here I am again and the only way to recover is to burn with rage, none of this is doing any good. So I sit here stuck, taking it step by step, remembering every stupid thing I’ve done and trying to move past it but being hit with it yet again.

So what have I learned… I don’t want to be my father, I told a friend I don’t want to be angry all the time but I heard in a movie once, I’ll keep my rage and bitterness because at least I know they’re true. I don’t want to be frozen, I don’t want to be stuck, frightened, fighting to keep my head up and staying out of the ground but I’m freezing with embarrassment.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist.” Cypher Raige – After Earth (2013)