Braxton’s leash is free and remains unused for what is now 106 Days and counting like all of his other things. Meanwhile, there is no stopping the mighty dollar, my mourning, or my mooning. Leash Your Demons, Never Tame.
Madame Justice, I AM a Billionaire right now. I have my boy, and I own a brothel. It’s fun dreaming…
Let’s start with the first; if I had a billion dollars. Of course, the song is If I Had A Million Dollars, but I dream big, or still of Braxton. The money doesn’t matter much anymore, not after B III. If I want to try again, though… All I’ve read on fur babies says it’s natural, betrayal; Madam Justice, not betrayal but guilt. Let’s meet in the middle and call it Treachery. But like all my sins, I am one to downgrade myself to greed. It’s one of the reasons this week I want to focus on getting my tattoo of B III. It will be expensive, I guess, but Braxton’s life? B’s worth everything. With anger, I blame greed. Money is the root of all evil, The O’Jays sing.
So why couldn’t I save him? I’m beginning to move more and more into Bargaining, but you know I don’t want to. It’s like Dante making his way through the circles of Hell, and what is the next? More beats, more breaths, and blankets full of tears. Today’s date 106. Hell, I couldn’t stop Braxton even when he knew he was dying. What a horrible thought? Do you think he accepted that while everything in him told him to keep going? Fuck Madam Justice, I’m one fucked up human being, but the thought of hurting my child, I could never. It’s still so weird that on one side of the coin, I’m free. On the other without my Cerberus to guard me, I’m a monk.
This, of course, guides me to my worse “sins” I gave up Dirty Diana, I believe Thursday, February 4, 2021. I haven’t done “stuff and thangs” since Thursday, December 24, 2020. It’s when I wanted to be a better father, and I should have gifted B with a mother, right? I’m only a man (snickers.) I saw someone ask (Onlyfans girl) when did she think of herself as an adult. I can’t tell you like she did when she said she bought her own house. My Olds took out a mortgage. They pay some of the bills. I have a job, hobbies (stuff and thangs.) Yet I am Braxton’s father? To leash the horny fanboy. Become someone Braxton’s proud of. Trying Madam Justice, I’m trying. Leash Your Demons, Never Tame
How tall am I… Braxton figured I was a king, and he was my little prince, who became the angel on my shoulder, and now? Is he somewhere in the clouds? I still carry him in my heart, though, so I guess I’m strong enough, maybe. “Weight For Me B.”
To Will: I AM a Billionaire right now, and you can’t wait to see how much all that money weighs. Well, you have a week.
Hell, you don’t need a billion dollars. You don’t even need a million. Do you Remember The Time when you thought that $200.00 would solve all of life’s issues? Wasn’t it 105 days ago you were paying out $455.96 and praying for a miracle to save B, and then what? Good things come in small packages; good things come to those who wait. Why not go all Nelly Furtado and sing? “Why do all good things come to an end?” Only Braxton wasn’t just a good thing, a good boy. Braxton was good, better, best. He’s My Son, yours, always. Which is heavier, you think; love or hate? Dead or alive, you will carry Braxton always and forever. But now, here are Six Impossible Things:
I AM Finishing Reading, Melody Exposed by Imogen Linn Completed
I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums Partial
I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH Failed
I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 135 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception Completed (Day 142) No Fap
I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week Completed
I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am Failed
“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” – The Shawshank Redemption
No wonder you feel so tired as I did three of these things but the main ideas on the list? You’ve been all about the music this morning, so here’s another. All You Need Is Love. Not enough of that to go round, but then again, B was so small. Just A Touch of Love. Now it’s time for the psychological portion of our conversation? Both Indiana Gone and M Anime would kick your ass for saying this but AHEM, your taste in women? You’re still a monk but think about them and your two new subscriptions on OnlyFans… what? Braxton was a man of comfort, leisure, and big Yabbos. Always, like father like son. This morning it’s Braxton, Bed, Big ’Uns, Six Impossible Things:
I AM Finishing Reading, Owned: The Bundle by Neil Bimbeau
I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 142 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo
I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
Okay, not so psychological then, but the mind is heavy these days. I wish I could say it was The Art of War. Hope for the best prepare for the worse that bastard, meathead ASM. Your heart remains heavy with losing Braxton. To think when your heart was full of love, it was such a light thing, and now trying to pick up the bits. Step By Step, thanks, Whitney. Let’s not get into which Whitney, but what about this week? I would ask that you try and enjoy it? No, why not get some fucking work done, so you don’t have to do, the week after. As I was alluding to, there will be heavy lifting but the smallest coffins… Weight For Me B.
It’s been 100 days, and I live in one being January 31, 2021. The worst day of my life; how dare I. “B III” didn’t live to see the end of it dying 4:00 PM (approximately). But who I was on Oct 23, Jan 31, and maybe on Aug 19. 100 Days Before Braxton.
Dear Future Wife, I AM a Billionaire right now, but I have been without my firstborn son, my Braxton, for 100 days. That’s 144,000 minutes.
The man I was before January 31st at approximately 4:00 PM (3: 46 PM when the bill was printed). That man has ceased to be. No, that man fucking died along with my child. Reading that bill only destroys me. It’s why I haven’t really looked at you, our family. Having become THIS or remained with 100 days, what would I be if I lost you, our kids, or anything else. I haven’t been, as Will Smith puts it, “being the best lover and friend. Am I being the best daddy I can?” 100 days My Love and I sing “I’m no prophet or messiah.” Yet here I am, no longer writing it but living:
Friday, October 23, 2020 (100 Days Before Braxton’s Rainbow Bridge)
“Does that mean I’m STUPID, that BORED? Would the ENDINGS be worth all of it? Even in my novel, I still mourn the deaths of a family. In the second, I grieve for a dead girl and an upcoming marriage. Despite everything, I always figured I wanted to be in love and be a family man. Only that wasn’t the story’s end in any form.” 114: Willing The Story’s End
From January 31st to now… I know we have been over it. For 72 days, I lived in Denial and still do. After, I gave into Anger. On day 86, I talked about a dream that went into Bargaining. I’ve been looking into that, but I haven’t for a second thought what I do now? How many times do I repeat myself? I’m not angry at Braxton or the vets. I hate myself, but I despise the Day Job so much more. I can and have given up parts of my “lifestyle.” B III isn’t coming back. If I publish tomorrow, he won’t walk in begging to be beside me. But he died on a Sunday, that Monday I worked. Then only to be threatened.
In 100 days, it will be August 19, 2021. I will still love you, hell I’ll love you more for staying with me. If I’m a daddy to our children. You know how I feel about parents who fail their kids. Now I’m one big fucking failure as I walked into B’s room today counting. Nothing will change with Bargaining, and I can only hope I’m mad as Hell. I’m not going through Depression. I have cried every day since Braxton’s passing. There were 2 days but talking to someone brought on my tears, and one night forgetting Braxton’s meds. Will I be a better man, a husband, a father, a friend, I don’t know? But there hasn’t been much love, 100 Days Before Braxton…
Well, I’m definitely not dead yet but considering what awaits me today? If I knew Braxton would forgive me if he forgave me after the last day of his life? No day can be just another day, but what to do with this one. “I Will Not Die Today”
Madame Justice, I AM a Billionaire right now, and I wouldn’t be if I had found death much earlier, hmm.
This all will sound like a broken record Madam Justice. The idea that death was scared of me. Or how I read about cowards meeting death, but the brave meet it but once. With Braxton’s passing and the fact that I killed him, I believe it should have been me first. Back in B.B. (Before B), I was someone like the “Man” from The Road (2009). I should be ashamed that B III has become somewhat a daily ritual, but he beats suicide. No worries, Madam, if I did take suicide “seriously,” B would never forgive me. I know that much. Madam Justice, to take such a step, I’d always blame people. As the song goes, “I’m no prophet or messiah,” looking towards the future…
I’m time traveling even further now. From May 2, 2021, to May 10, 2021. Has life gotten so bad that I need even more time to sleep? Who knows, but I’ve had some horrific ones. I’m a multiple suicide attempter… is that such a thing? Please don’t make me out to be Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill. Maybe I need something wrong to fail at to be good. Now my usual methods have been overdose, starvation, and dehydration. I didn’t eat or drink for a whole week, which landed me in the hospital. One lousy night some years back, Madam. I lost B once because I hadn’t eaten in 3 days, and I confessed to National Suicide Prevention. Braxton saved my life, Justice.
To think I failed him once because, after my hospital stay, my “father” told me B III had dirty drinking water, I was so out of it. Suicide wasn’t my shame but failing little Braxton. After the cops came because of my busy fingers chatting, my Olds cut me off. And I had to leave Braxton because I didn’t have a place I could bring him to. After that fuck-up… As I always told him, “I’ll be back.” I wasn’t allowed to die because he needed me. I AM a father. Braxton IS my son. Another reason I want Captain America’s shield, if you get killed, walk it off. The Day Job kills me, and without Braxton here and with all the hate I feel…
Not exactly what you want to hear on Mother’s Day. I mean, I love my Ma. Braxton loved grandmommy and his second mom. I never met his first one, but to give birth to such a soul as B III… Mother’s Work B Grinning; did B find her on the Rainbow Bridge
To Will: I AM a Billionaire right now. Even if you get on my level, you can’t turn back time. Never met Braxton’s furry mom.
No, today is the day for B III’s first mom, aka your sister. She’s got two kids now, but first came Braxton. I liked to think that you’ve grown beyond grading mothers on everything. You can’t say much about your sis other than your nephews are happy; um, judgy much? Anyway, when it came to Braxton, she was pretty protective and demanding. With everything your “father” has dinged you on, he only ever came down on her because of B.
The days when B had to make a decision on who he would stay with. Yep, he left Sis’s nest. Or maybe he felt I needed more protection. Didn’t I say yesterday Mother is God in a child’s eyes? You’re a TITAN… Six Impossible Things:
I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 14: Swimsuit Edition Completed
I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums Partial
I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH Failed
I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 128 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception Completed (Day 135) No Fap
I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week Failed
I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am Failed
Yeah, those say otherwise, and what would your Ma think? When it came to Braxton… that he was the cutest thing ever. Even when he tried to take my thumb off, Ma got ready to go and grab him up. But she did forget about her grandson as well. Again you said you weren’t going to do this. These are B III’s memories. Not that he cared when Ma called me “Braxton’s Brother” instead of “Uncle.” I was on Braxton’s level. Then again, you hold B higher than any human walking the planet. But then there is Ma, right. Braxton loved them both, and though I loved him like pancakes, it was never enough. Dear Braxton needed a forever mom, but yeah, Six Impossible Things:
I AM Finishing Reading, Melody Exposed by Imogen Linn
I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 135 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week
I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
The last time I talked to my sister was last month or so… getting another kid. And I could get another sister. How long did it take me to find B’s Aunt Indiana Gone? Happy Mother’s Day Indiana. I hope you and yours are happy. So many holidays around her. As for your Ma, B’s sweet grandmommy. Happy Mother’s Day, though. I’m sure I’ll never let you read this. She’s glad you’re still alive, and she loves you. Of course, you know better than to question that ever again. A mom gives life… you, oh what did you do? This might sound like bargaining, but if only I had found Braxton another mom sooner, might he have lived? To grieve unalone. Mother’s Work B Grinning
Dearly Beloved… it won’t be many of those when I get married. For the longest time, I thought that Braxton would be there, my Best Man. I guess I’m going to need a new vetting process because I’ve been turning my back on EVERYONE. To The B Loved
Dear Future Wife, I AM a Billionaire right now, and someone said love or rather passion is like money. There’s a time to save it up, a time to spend.
So where is my love? An excellent way to describe it is this, and yes, it’s an explanation that I borrowed and/or stole, yep. My love is like having $19.00 in the bank. You know it’s there, it’s yours, but you can’t go to any ATM and punch in $19.00. And walking into a bank… Please stop me, Baby Girl, before I burst into Saving All My Love For You or I Will Always Love You. You never need to doubt my love, but now it’s just so damn hard to reach right this minute. First, it was my sadness about Braxton, and these days it’s this rage against so many idiots. I wish I could turn my back on the lot of them as I turned on our family?
Never ever, Baby Doll, it’s just, well, take today for an example. You know I’m a Star Wars fan, but I’m not one of these fans starting a fight about it. I can’t watch every movie today because of Stupid people. Only Star Wars is my heart (what’s left of it). God, I miss B. Today of all days, I don’t mean to hurt my friend Indiana Gone. Happy Birthday!!! The thing is this, much as I like her, if you pitted her against my little boy, she wouldn’t stand a chance. Braxton is my firstborn. Braxton’s my longest relationship ever, father to son. There is nothing that can ever make me turn my back on him. Nothing will make me betray us, my love.
It’s just, and I’ll never understand why. But in the words of Stephen King: “God is cruel. Sometimes he makes you live.” The hatred of people, my hate of those people, took my Braxton from me. My love, you show me that all people need not be hated and feared. Braxton and I met in my twenties. And he showed me that no matter what assholes like the ASM, the gemstone bitch, or the spectator do. There is love within me— that love I give to you that made our children. I have to find it without Braxton. Good Luck.
Well, I have you, always and forever, right? I ask you not to question me, and yet I doubt you. Trying To The B Loved
The day after my son died, I traded a day of mourning for a morning at the Day Job. I gave up music to hear curses I’d level at a meathead jock asshole of an ASM. SIGH, I break “Rule 186” every day at the Day Job. Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself
Madame Justice, I AM a Billionaire right now, but would it be worth being a sell-out for this or that.
Not for Braxton’s life. I keep telling myself, I’m not moving into BARGAINING as of yet. People are too STUPID!!! My ANGER still rules but isn’t that one more way I have broken this rule. Take, for example, my Empathy for Apathy. No, worse, all I had left was ANGER. It’s the reason I hate the ASM and the Day Job so much. THEY remind me of killing my son by giving me the same weapon I did it with. I raged at them and, in turn, killed my boy, trying not to feel anything. When my tears threatened to wash away the blood… dammit. A meathead jock of an ASM had to fuck it all up for me. Now yes, Madam, I deserve Hell.
So with that being the case, I trade Hell for what, PRIDE? I won’t be leaving with that, I know. Um, listen to me, like I’ve been fired now. Yes, I’m back in the time machine because it’s Saturday, May 1. Last week was Hell, and this one isn’t shaping up at all. Friday, I felt a bit like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank, giving a bit of myself for my friend’s happiness. That’s a good way of putting it, Madam Justice. Andy Dufresne helped the other prisoners because he wanted to feel normal again. Indiana’s time has been shattering. If I were a God-fearing man, I would say I’m giving up silver and gold to pick up my cross. The smallest coffins are the heaviest.
How dare I right? Not only for saying that, but B III had a nice long life, but ask anyone with a furbaby. They will always be our children, and I let a fucking job try and destroy me. Braxton’s death has done that sure enough. Now all I have is that fucking Day Job. The Manager told me about my loyalty, and I would be willing to trade a decade of it for twenty days of hatred. It’s been seventy-two days since I met that bastard and ninety-two days now, so yes, twenty. Hell, I don’t even remember the man I was a ten-years prior. Only I’d trade the man I am now to be who I should have been for Braxton. Be Better… Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself.
A dream. a little sex, violence, and not dabbling either. I miss my dog, my friend, my son. It was a crime what happened to him. “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” “Animal Crossing Nope, Just Braxton”
“She’s the girl that guys marry, and I’m the girl that guys fuck!” Kill Theory
What a weird way to start off a dream about my dog, right? He didn’t appear until the last half, if I’m being honest. It took me forever to figure out what this quote had to do about anything other than the movie “Kill Theory.” If you want me to remember anything, it usually has to involve sex or violence. My son Braxton broke the mold with that. Then again, he had a thing for my second best friend’s breasts, and I will never forget that I killed him. Call it being put to sleep, Euthanasia; whatever I ended him.
Most nights, I don’t dream at all, I don’t remember, or they aren’t worth telling ever. I can say to you within The Five Stages of Grief, I live in DENIAL. As always, I fill his water bowl, call out to him for his medication, eat when we both usually would together. On Day Seventy-Two, I moved into ANGER because of the fucking Assistant Manager. I’ve been revved up ever since, and my Day Job has become a battlefield. Before work, I would have said that on Day Eighty-Six, I have moved into BARGAINING. Too many STUPID people are breeding.
So that leads me back to this quote from my dream, and as I said, it’s from the movie Kill Theory, so a short plot:
A man kills his best friends to save his own life. To prove that anyone in the same circumstances (somewhat). That you will kill to save yourself, he picks a group of college kids. They have until Six AM to kill each other. The sole survivor goes free, but he will kill them all if more than one remains alive.
If you’ve been keeping up, I will die for Braxton. Tell me to give my life to save him, and I would do so without question. He deserves to live. We were together for fifteen years, one month shy of sixteen. He was my longest relationship, me and my son, and I mean a life I was responsible for. But I chose everything over him. That’s what killed him. The week before he died, it was my Day Job which explains so much Anger. Also, I hate three people there but the dream. I kept hearing the girl Ryanne Duzich “Amber” say this. SPOILER ALERT she does survive. Her friends died, her love, her enemies…
Ryanne Duzich “Amber”
So next thing I know, I’m in a car alone with her. At least, I think it was her because what I noticed was the moon outside as she drove. It was a pale pink moon that slowly became blood-red, and so was my dread. Ever since Braxton died, I have found that not much scares me anymore. I have a moment of panic every now and again, but like with every pain, I only say, “I killed Braxton.” I deserve whatever I get. Let the cops come, let me catch COVID, or crack some skulls. I can take it.
Anyway, before I freak out, the moon turns into C-3PO’s golden head. And then it’s my Braxton’s face, and of course, I calm down. I watch the moon as Amber drives on, and it doesn’t matter where. It’s the journey, and with Braxton up above me, everything is okay. Soon the sky begins turning blue, signaling a new day. Amber and I are now in this wooded area with rocks and little mini waterfalls. The trees surround the clearing, but then I see a big building to the side. I then discover it’s a replica of Braxton’s resting place. It’s a bit dingy and worn, but his name is right on the top of it.
I’m dressed in a blue robe like something out of The Purge series. Or I’ve been reading too much Succubus Lord (The Cult of Ralston), yeah. Amber is beckoning me closer, but I snatch away from her. She starts saying, “get in the box, get in, join him!” she cries. Now I’m scared, and I refuse. Then she starts saying “Look at me” and starts untying her top. While her voice, I think, reminds me of “Secret Girlfriend,” You Get an Aquarium Girl (Veronica Taylor). Still, I’m terrified, and I begin to back away as she starts to step forward.
Veronica Taylor
Before I can get away, out steps Jessica Garza “Penelope” from The Purge series. “Look at my lambs,” she asks, and then there are these three people in animal masks or maybe the animals themselves. All I remember is a black wolf waiting. So either I enter the building, or I face the animal beings. I start running, but then I’m so tired, and I want to give up, give in. Hell, get off with the two/three beautiful women, but the animals catch me then…
I didn’t wake up screaming, and I’m not sure what the animals even did to me. The wolf was charging, and my ankles were tied in dark blue cloth. Okay, so the four major components of the dream. There’s “Kill Theory,” the moon, the building, and the animals in all:
Kill Theory: The movie’s both betrayal and sacrifice. The killer got away with it, and Amber lived. She had been betrayed by everyone. She ended the film holding the man she loved who had been killed by his girlfriend. The killer said Amber would become like him, but she said she would never. I’m the same way. I’m surrounded by pretenders and people I hate. The one I loved the most died. And I’m half crazy. I live in lust, not love, not feeling anything.
The Moon: I don’t understand what the pink was about other than I love turning to hate. Or something to do with sex. I’ve been staying up working on an erotic novel and didn’t read about a pink moon until later today. C-3PO makes me think of when he wanted to donate parts to R2-D2 after destroying the Death Star. Braxton, of course, watching over me from the sky. I still say goodnight to him before falling asleep. He is my light in the darkness.
The Building: With today being the exception, I would usually be in bed lying in the dark. I told my second best friend I exist in the darkness because everything else makes me upset. In the dark, there is nothing, and suppose I wish I was dead. Only in the dream I fought going into the box. I wanted to stay out in nature. Another friend has been angling for me to try Bushcraft with her. Survivalist training and, like always, JSS Just Survive Somehow.
The Animals: I swear they looked like people at first. And the fact that a former sacrifice in Penelope presented them… Why can I only remember the wolf, though, and a lamb, hmm? But they were all chasing me, further evidence of my betrayal and guilt. I have looked at other dogs lately, and both my friends want farm animals. Did the animals want to eat me, or was I lying on some otherwise peaceful ground? Only I was tied up tight by a cloth-like the one in Braxton’s remains.
To say B III IS a good dog is the underestimate of the Millennium. Braxton Is the greatest son ever, and I can never be free of such love. Only what can a man do before such hate? I don’t want to hate but the Day Job SIGH. B III, B IV
To Will: I AM a Billionaire right now, and you might be too someday if you do like I did last night… just say no?
Being free of certain HABITS. You’re still HURT over Braxton, and that won’t be going away anytime soon. I think I brought it up some time yesterday that it’s been officially three months without him. You haven’t said no to the DENIAL or the ANGER… HATE. Being free of such love, but as Sade sings, this is No Ordinary Love. As Edmond Dantès learned, he could not escape such love. THEY say if only we could love as Braxton loves you. People though… I swear, we have mastered hate. If any consolation, you hate THEM. Being free of hating the ASM, the gemstone bitch, the spectacled spectator. Well, that’s not happening. You might get fired soon. But you didn’t harm yourself or Six Impossible Things:
I AM Finishing Reading, Melody In Lingerie by Imogen Linn Completed
I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums Partial
I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH Failed
I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 121 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception Completed (Day 128) No Fap
I WILL Cut The Lawn This Week Partial
I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am Failed
Before you give me a pat on the back for now having two completions, two utter failures, and two partials. What is this Japan (tentacles)? Um, keep being a monk, my friend. It’s “easier.” As I said last night, I did no harm, meaning giving more money away for… stuff. Before you start crying again as I did when I realized what bills were missing. Of course, they’ve been missing for again three months. Braxton’s food budget, trips to the groomers, tick removal, his meds alone were $45 – $60. Online streaming and artists $71. Before you give in to the nice girl from Twitter to Onlyfans. Or whatever loneliness-reducing gimmick being hocked today. Please remember what you owe Braxton and yourself, Six Impossible Things:
I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 14: Swimsuit Edition
I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 128 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
I WILL Cut The Backyard Lawn This Week
I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
B III can’t help you through this week. As you woke up this morning, you asked for his strength. Hell, it’s the only reason you’re awake now after sleeping late. There’re more reasons to stay asleep than wake up. Living is easy with eyes closed, as the Beatles put it. Misunderstanding all you see, you know from dreams to porn, to the Day Job. However, you see all too clearly. It’s those Republican tendencies. Rejecting the evidence of your eyes and ears like something out of 1984. People show you who they are; believe them. Braxton would see you as The World’s Greatest. R. Kelly… not someone you should be quoting these days. This week will be bad, but SIGH relax, B III, B IV
B III IS always a puppy to me, but he grew up. He can climb the stairs and hop on the bed. B was the angel or devil on my shoulder. Sometimes he would step on my face, and now I see how high he’s gotten. Should I stop crying? B Cause Growing Up.
Dear Future Wife, I AM a Billionaire right now, but why did I want to be? Power, no more, no less. God is Power, right?
Like the song goes, “I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it” thanks a bunch, Missy Elliott. Taking in all the connotations of that song, consider this. I put Braxton down (no, I killed him). As for flip it… if I want to see him, I look to Heaven, or there’s his “coffin.” I should call it an urn. It’s a box that I have to unscrew to see his ashes. Finally, reverse it; what’s God spelled backward… Dog. My Dog, my friend. My son is Power. Braxton is my heart; why not go ahead and say my everything. Um, I didn’t know I could love so much. Then you came along, My Love. That’s not an insult; it’s a fact, my reality.
They say God is love, but again Dog is love. THEY say that most people don’t know what they want. I know long ago when I spelled my first word. As I put pen to paper, I wanted to be a writer. Oh, I wanted to be a sword fighter too, so we both see which one I stuck with, ha. I wanted to be a fighter pilot, a comedian, a wartime journalist. Nowadays, “I’m a motherfuckin’ Starboy” Pardon my French, but my life is pretty hilarious. And how about how I write. I don’t need a war; all I have to do is sit down and bleed. A tad offensive? Such things weren’t when I was growing up. Here I am, crying about Braxton.
I’m just a little boy, a grown-ass man crying about a puppy. I don’t know when I decided I wanted to be a Dad. I’ve had dogs before, at my grandma’s house. B wasn’t even the first Dog I held as he died. I was covered in a puppy’s blood once; my fucking granddad. I’ve told the story enough; the day my Olds moved, and I called to Braxton. He came running without a second thought. I’m sure you’re having second, third, even sixteenth thoughts about the man you married. You, baby girl, have blessed me with children. However, I’m still growing, learning, and I have so much love to give. So I want more, undeservedly after my Braxton, no way. B Cause Growing Up
