Gospel 364 ~Better B Next Month~

It’s strange when I have to start a new pile of treats. Five piles for five months since Braxton “went away.” February to June, and what have I accomplished. What am I fixin’ to do as I couldn’t fix him with four years of writing? Better B Next Month

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Gospel 364 ~Better B Next Month~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now… yeah, and what year was it I was listening to all those motivations? A Million-dollar year

If I had done so, would B be alive? Now that’s the type of question that plagues me every morning. Another would have to be, am I even going to get up and try to do something with my life. Why am I going to the Day Job when I fucking hate everyone there, Echo? B, B, and oh yeah, B. When I was young, I remember seeing this somewhere. You should pick C when you don’t know the answer for any multiple choice. So here I am saying FML, am I right? As I finally did get up and I honored my son, I saw five months have passed. Honoring Braxton, what have I done, Inspector Echo? It’s like “Last Christmas” all over again.

B’s become an errand on my to-do list. Wasn’t he always but back then, I was an A-Hole, now THEY would only call me mad. Either way, I can’t stop even after these five months. Hell, I’ve been more dedicated than when B III was here. Those last few days, on top of being sick and tired of dying, he felt the same way about me, my running behind him. I’ve had plenty of girls accuse me of being obsessive, stalkerish, scary. I was the damn Grim Reaper when it came to Braxton. You know my biggest problem Inspector, TIME. I think I have all the time in the world and when I get time, like two whole days, what do I do with them.

“Just one more year, and then you’d be happy,” as the song goes. How long have I been writing with only this blog? Five years Inspector Echo, five years starting Friday. All that time, I was telling B I would give him everything. How much time with him I wasted? Braxton didn’t live to see February, his sweet sixteen, and all the money when he wanted time. Dammit, I selfishly tried to make up for it with five days when he couldn’t do anything. Well, hiding from the Reaper, showing him with love that he was going to die soon. From Six Impossible Things to a brand new year of writing. What will I do, when will I do it, Echo? Better B Next Month

150 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 360 ~B Over The Threshold~

I’d have carried Braxton always and forever. B walked into this house on his own four paws, and some six years later, I had to carry him out. How am I to imagine carrying a woman over or another fur baby. How dare I come “home?” B Over The Threshold

Saturday, June 26, 2021

Gospel 360 ~B Over The Threshold~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but that kind of cash is heavy. So is my grief, my “GOD,” and any goodness.

Of the Five Stages of Grief, Bargaining was the shortest. I’m not sure how it was supposed to go. I’m sure that if I got a better water filter for Braxton or if I hadn’t changed his food sometime in 2020. I’m sure there’s a bit I’m missing from B III’s January 8, 2021 check-up. Depression, like Denial, is endless. Yet I haven’t lain a treat in his room this morning, and B’s med time passed at 8:00. I will do it as soon as I leave the room. Of course, my tears haven’t stopped, and we’re on 146 Days. Will I ever stop counting the days? I hope not. Lady Luna, I will not accept this ever; I keep saying that. I MEAN IT!

I continue to be the lone prophet of my son, and I don’t know if he’s gotten heavier or I’m split between so many things. It’s a bit of both, I believe. Braxton was never heavy in my arms. Now he’s always on my mind; I’m still picking up the pieces. Sunrise is my Braxton. Now I have to do it myself. Being a father, a buddy, a brother, a protector, and so many things. Hell, fatherhood is one big umbrella holding a great many things. All of them working towards the same love, but now the rain is coming down, and where were you? I’m asking myself that Lady Lu. It’s like I’m all over the place, and the storm isn’t ending for me.

Braxton is first and foremost in my life. Despite everything else, let my guilt be always and forever. I will take it if it keeps my boy with me. And being HAPPY… hate that word. Then there’s “Stuff And Thangs.” Um, talk about living a double life, but I haven’t quit yet. It’s not like people would notice, and ever since I broke after 161 Days, Lu. B was alive. I’m not a good man like Gabriel from The Fallen series. He abstains for his brothers who are finding love, two or three of them anyway. Again I won’t get past this ever, Lady Lu. How dare some girl or another fur baby come into this place, I shared with B. B Over The Threshold.

146 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 353 ~No B In Emancipation~

Emancipation, Acceptance, Survivor are big words, yet we wonder why we rather say “I” despite who it hurts. THEY say I set him free and if I had to do it again… To be a better friend, father, forgo my freedom, for there’s “No B In Emancipation.”

Saturday, June 19, 2021

Gospel 353 ~No B In Emancipation~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so there are some “I’s” when it comes to whatever I’m doing. Here come the tears

Not for Juneteenth. I’m pleased with the holiday, which was celebrated Friday, being a federal holiday and all. This weekend too. I’m a man of my word ha-ha about some plans for today. Of course, that’s why I woke up late, 7:00 AM. What a way to start the day, don’t you agree? So you want me to explain the crying AHEM, Tradition! Braxton got his walking papers, was emancipated, got his shots, and now here I am. Today I go in for the COVID Vaccine, a first dose. Yeah, B III got his back to back as I sat there, my eyes wide open, Lu. My Arms Wide Open but we’ll get to that. Should we talk about how offensive I’m being right now?

I’m not trying to, but I’m learning freedom can be. What’s so offensive in Acceptance? Such a belief that Braxton would always be here for me. Comparing Life with Death. Believing in such things as the greater good, the bigger picture. Hell, just sitting here. Wasn’t it, last week, I told myself that I better not waste the entire week I was off and free? What are you going to do with freedom? I tell you, Lady Lu, not a damn thing to save me. At least if B was here, I could say as the song goes, “You Were Loved.” I set him free. Didn’t I, like it was any given Sunday, but it’s Saturday, yeah. If you love someone, set them free, right?

Yes, I must remind you and me that I’m not suicidal… currently taking this vaccine. Yet I’m reminded of The Cure by Sonia Levitin. Braxton and I being “Recycled” together. I would have taken that deal. How about making this choice last night to survive? Remember, Six: The Mark Unleashed “I still remember the last free choice I ever made. It was the wrong choice.” I am a free man, a black man, an American. But I serve, we do. With it all, B III wanted to stay until his last breath. I think of his eyes; sigh. “Why Daddy?” Braxton’s freedom from the suffering, the sickness, the sinner that I remain after 139 Days. Slaves waited years for liberty. Mine… No B In Emancipation

139 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 346 ~Be Something B Cause~

I’ve said this before, how my Ma would say, I would find my way. My aunt would say I wanted to destroy the world. She was wrong “in a way,” I only ended my world, which is why Braxton ain’t here. Be Something B Cause it’s getting hard to breathe

Saturday, June 12, 2021

Gospel 346 ~Be Something B Cause~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and if I were Eric Thomas, I’d be a millionaire. I know what’s what. I’m here.

It’s 4:30 in the morning, and Eric Thomas wakes up at 3:00. Hell Lady Lu, I’ve woken up at 2:00 for far less money and for what. We both know the answer to that. At the same time, I have stayed up until 4:00 in the morning. So like a Backstreet Boy, tell me why. 132 days, and like the moon, which is your namesake, B III’s smell has yet to disappear. At the moment, he is lending me his strength, giving me focus, purpose, cause. I have a dream, and now it’s time to put that vision into action. Perhaps this is merely insanity. Haven’t I mentioned Eric Thomas, The Backstreet Boys, and MLK in the span of a few minutes? It’s too early.

Which is what I told myself when Braxton lay dying. I’m not ready yet, but I’m a fighter, a friend, a father. Any of that sounds better than a Freight Associate; excuse me, I’m more Operational now. But, of course, that would be fine if I was building Death Stars. First off, and I believe I’ve told you or one of the girls before, my aunt was wrong. Destroying worlds is not something I agree with. Yet, I would take that in comparison to what I do for a “living.” Only this week, I’ve squandered extensively so many days, yep. To think I would use Braxton as an excuse, but he was also a reason. Now he is but a memory driving these words forward.

I found myself in the store yesterday questioning what’s it all for. I stood in the same spot I once had on January 31, picking out a digital frame for his pictures. Yes, tears Lady Luna. Ironic I don’t want him to see me now as I picked out a tripod to hold my phone for “Stuff And Thangs.” I still haven’t quit that foolishness… what about my vow and everything? I can’t keep saying tomorrow; how about July when I write my book about him. With all the letters I have ready to go, and it could always be my laziness in the end. Last year I had a few months to think, not do. Braxton, give me strength to Be Something B Cause.

132 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 102 ~When Will Gets Ticked~

While I’m proud to say there is not one tick on My Dæmon, I still see them everywhere… counting down on the clock, in everything people do, and in one more reason I’m a writer. It’s hard to ball a fist while typing. “When Will Gets Ticked.”

Sunday, October 11, 2020

Gospel 102 ~When Will Gets Ticked~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you’re mad you’re not, I get it. To be fair and yes, I repeatedly say who knows if money would make you happy. The wealthiest people out there seem to be the angriEST. Some even work the hardEST putting their soul on paper. How often are the smartEST heard? I’m amazed you know the EST of WWE. At least she’s a black woman and not some old white guy… no offense to your mentors. Speaking of which, motivation speakers ask why are you here and why are you angry. Um well…

Why do lounge around in bed, “thinking about tomorrow?” Well, now we’re back to the white guys, AHEM, you got nowhere else to go. Nobody’s going to blame you if we don’t have this conversation today. How many have we had while you lie dying? Ticked off at the world. How about why are you here creating? Yesterday I started Pinterest again, and just this morning, you added two new boards. All of them locked down tight. The names of those boards dull. More importantly, what about your writing? You do see the eleventh. However, why would you even care? Dammit, the clock is ticking, tick, tock. You wanted to be up at 8 AM, right? What, not 4 in the morning? You also said you would be at the dining room table. So many promises like Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight Always
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Succubus 2 (Hell To Pay) Another A.J. Markam Title
    Completed

Are you angry that you’re starting “Back At One” again? 1 point for being alive and 16.5 points for reading another book, which I gave five stars to. Do you realize 15 poems a day for a week is over 100, and all you have to do is read them over? You choose to sleep. You’re ticked because you have so much time, and you waste it. I know you’re mad at me and the others; the reason why you restarted this blog. At the end of each day, you always hate yourself even more. You keep wanting to live for today, only it’s impossible. Greatest lie there is, you know but mixed with some truth. If we were to go back and look at the list all this year, what would we find? You paid people to publish a book, and you haven’t sent it, geez Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight
  6. I AM Finishing Succubus Lord 2, Eric Vall

So you’re here and angrily dreaming When Will Gets Ticked.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 095 ~It’s The “Willing” Hour~

People talk about seeing the light, there’s the sun, my son, the glow of my computer screen (writing), and please can I take my mind off of headlights if you know what I mean? It’s The “Willing” Hour.

Sunday, October 4, 2020

Gospel 095 ~It’s The “Willing” Hour~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means, well, God only knows what I would do with that wealth. Haven’t I said that before? Anyway, for you, it’s the witching hour. Um, nope, it’s 6:25 AM, but you were up at 4:05. You’re getting ever so much closer to “Wake Up At 4:00 AM Every Day Will Change Your Life.” Now I’m not here to reiterate that video. Don’t I always repeat myself? You’re not learning the lessons, are you; sitting on the sofa with a sleepy Dæmon. You want the WOMEN, to WAKE up happy, then WORK.

Today is always about the LIST of those Six Impossible Things. You’ve had three hours, and what have you done. The Walking Dead, Call me a LEGEND, a shower, shave, and sit down. Speaking of which, The Walking Dead comes back tonight, so good things. Entertaining yourself should be the last thing on your list. Hell, you’ve even flirted with the idea of starting Pinterest again? Albeit you’ll block it because people do suck. That, of course, brings me back to you with so many distractions. Don’t touch that phone, dude. In ten minutes, your three-hour window of opportunity is gone, but what about yesterday? I know that’s my fault. Besides sleeping and fighting off addiction, I was zoned out. Do you know I didn’t hint at porn to Lady Lu? Wow, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight Always
    Completed
  6. I AM Finishing Succubus by A.J. Markam
    Completed

A score of thirty-four, so yeah, an F, but what does that number even mean? The Goodreads Challenge got done. Ten books. Yet I want you to make it eleven. Incredible how damn easy it is for you to become distracted. Focus on Succubus 2 (Hell To Pay), will you? Mathematics is such a bore until it comes to what you should be doing and, above all, living. Instead, you rather count sex scenes, suspensions, and the hours of sleep you’re getting. Although you got six last night, it’s never enough, and no, don’t check the Day Job. You’re here right now facing the man in the mirror, and when it’s 7:45 AM, you’re moving to the dining room table. Yes, you’re removing yourself from your comfort zone. And again, I don’t mean to sound like so many repeated motivations. You have Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Going To Bed Before Midnight Always
  6. I AM Finishing Succubus 2 (Hell To Pay) Another A.J. Markam Title

Damn, these things have lasted almost the whole year. Exhaustion and Erotica are not rewards. Work, It’s The “Willing” Hour.”

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 075 ~No Doesn’t Make You Cowardly

When I was a kid, the big thing was “Just Say No” to drugs, and as I grew older, everyone is trying to get you on something. If anything, I say no to myself all the time, but when it comes to everyone else? No Doesn’t Make You Cowardly

Monday, September 14, 2020

Gospel 075 ~No Doesn’t Make You Cowardly

Hundred And Fifty-Third Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and may that be one day be because of you. First off, welcome back, Madam Justice. Existence Day is now over and done with, and I am now one week into thirty-six. A part of me would like to scream out, much like Luke Skywalker, “No. No. That’s not true. That’s impossible!” My how the time flies, I tell ya. Speaking of time, no, I didn’t get up at 4:00 AM on one of my days off, but here we are. No, I’m not trying to do better because I’m asleep again when I acknowledge it aloud.

Look at me, destroying my point already. To this day, Madam Justice, I still feel guilty when I tell the Day Job no. I excuse myself by saying I get no respect there, which is true. Of course, there is always fear, and that is something I can never say no to with everything. How about my newest obsession, which I hope you will allow me to work on some, while we have our chat. What are you going to tell me, no? Madam Justice, I’d love for a girl to Just Say No, bye, and let’s not start with creepy or SKEEVE (shudders). No, is so small, hm? Yet the damage it can cause and how I understand more than most the power of words. Is this the reason I say no to my destiny? I’m going to be saying no today, considering everything that I have to do. Sunrise is at 6:30, and yes, I dicked around on my phone for about an hour. Pardon my language, which is another thing. I can’t say no to speaking evil about myself. However, working on my About Me page well:

“Hey, you ain’t never had a Friend Like Me. While this might not be Disney, depending on your taste. What are the odds you’ve ever met an African-American erotic writer who’s a guy and into the end of the world? My heroines are never that heroic, and my endings are “happyish.” I’m an open book, or I hope to be someday. I’m always looking to expand into other forms of adult entertainment. Manuscripts, models, and movies. Looking to make money and memories with mammaries, bazongas, yabbos. Down with black and white and not only paper.”

What do you think, Madam Justice? “Yes, no, maybe, I don’t know,” as the song goes. Well, it’s not what you were expecting, and I apologize. No, you’re not Inspector Echo but again, if some “people” would tell me NO. One of the reasons I look at myself as being so scary. Also, I’m terrified of the word when it comes out of my mouth. Better a slow yes than a fast no, I heard someone say. Either way, Madam Justice, I wish I could choose to be brave, but no, right? Yes, I’ll be afraid, yes I’ll go to the Day Job, and yes I’ll get this done but…

No Doesn’t Make You Cowardly.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 033 ~Women Always Find The Truth~

If I lie, she’ll make things up, if I’m honest, she’ll think I’m a million times worse, so yeah, I’m lying. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day, as THEY say, that wouldn’t be a lie, but wouldn’t I still be hiding facts? Women Always Find The Truth

Monday, August 3, 2020

Gospel 033 ~Women Always Find The Truth~

Hundred And Forty-Eight Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or I better be if I don’t intend to live mine alone. Does that sound like I don’t have a high opinion of women? Madam Justice, I pay them the highest ideal of all, I tell them the TRUTH. Now, why hasn’t LIE made it to my Most Hated Words list? I know the value of lies, yes. I lie to save my behind. So I’ll lie at the Day Job, to my “father” and even to myself. Hell, I even lie to my Dæmon. He got me singing, “I know, I know, I know.” Like any woman, though, he knows the truth of what I am.

For the longest time, I figured I was scared of women but not for the reason that they may think. I’m shy, I’m an introvert, I suffer from Social Anxiety, take your pick. You want the truth, how about another song, “Everybody knows I’m a motherfucking monster.” Pardon my language Madam Justice, but again I’m only being honest. I can go all-in on a guy only wanting one thing, and that’s true enough. I believe in the primal instinct. On the basic level, men and women come together for one thing, and everything else is born of that, not only children. Only people pretend everything else and for what, to deny themselves? I have seen it firsthand. My words in the hands of someone else and as fast as you can say Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off. So why would I waste time lying?

I respect a woman for her intelligence… at least I try. I’m still thinking about that video I watched on being CREEPY. So I’m supposed to lie my entire life, never take a free breath, be trapped because of the concept of nature vs. nurture? I always take responsibility, but I would work for all the money in the world than kill myself off. I’m not suicidal, but anytime I felt that way, it’s been because of other people. You can’t tell a woman that right off the bat. Neither can I tell her everything I want to do to her. The idea though that I want to fuck her, well, she knows. More to me lies (sigh) Undiscovered. And I know I sound like one of those women-hating freaks, but I love women, and Women Always Find The Truth.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 310 ~Willy Time, Slow Time~

Wasn’t I here last week, lost to the porn, worried about my pup, trying to find anything else to worry about besides the proponents of the puppet in the White House. The things one finds to do. Willy Time, Slow Time

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

Log 310 ~Willy Time, Slow Time~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and if I were white with a rich Daddy, this would have happened overnight. Making that kind of money takes time, and I have that. Yet again, though, I ask myself, what have I been doing with mine, time being money?

Well, of course, sex Inspector Echo, what else is there? Having finished, The Eve of a Cherry, I find myself lost on what to do next. I shot down somebody looking for a Beta reader but can’t find any for myself ever. When somebody calls your work, “interesting?” Hell time flies reading but goes ever so slow when you’re EDITING. The only thing slower is me finding some girl to… yeah, I know not a compliment. Still, I’ve told adult entertainers no and when I finally broke. It wasn’t with, Call me a Legend, but how many ticks and tocks have I wasted playing that game these past few days? I remember playing, Heavy Rain, a certain way because I wanted to see Madison Paige strip. I won’t speak evil of Call me a Legend though, I don’t have time to tear myself down today.

Seeing as how this conversation is two days ahead, you know today is. Star Wars Day, which means I have plenty of movies to watch. One more day I’m taking off and SIGH, I have to watch the video from my Day Job. Fear takes more out of me than anything. So what has scared me today? Not much other than walking My Dæmon and hearing the sounds of construction. I remember when I was a child running through the woods so fast, and the house seemed so far. Even at thirty-five, I can go back to that moment. The wonders of time Inspector Echo.

Not anymore, though, like most days, I have fallen into a routine. I wake up late, have these conversations, post the one from two days ago. I usually fall into a nap and wake up late again to work on my book. I “want” to read, and somehow end up playing The Walking Dead or Call me a Legend. Dinner, and then there are the nights where I stay up until one or two doing well “stuff and thangs.” The worse thing about time… my kid winding down, the stairs are his test these days.

Sadness, Willy Time, Slow Time.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 300 ~Will Of The Month~

Well, it’s been almost one whole month, more than that considering the Coronavirus and what do I have to show for it. Nearly finished editing a book, read two probably. Will Of The Month, well there goes half my stimulus check but if I got out of bed

Sunday, April 26, 2020

Log 300 ~Will Of The Month~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, so ask the song goes (breaks out Ellie Goulding style) “What are you waiting for?” It’s what the Dæmon asks you each morning. Now I blame myself that I forgot about the “nails in the collar” incident last week. I still need to get those cut. The thing is I want you to look at what day it is, what log. Yes, Math still sucks, but this month has been one of a very few Opportunities. What have you done with it? I don’t mean to yell or bombard you with music like my Dear Future Wife.

Hell, you might be better off if I did because I love her, but do I love myself? Shouldn’t I make that into the goal, to care for me? Considering I touch the gun once a day and Academy and Amazon suck for various reasons. While I’ve been busy counting the days, allow me to sound cliché, but you should be making the days count; another goal? How I hope that when you read this, you’re not still sitting in bed. Last night (Thursday), I tried okay. I got four hours and twenty-five minutes, of sleep, and of course, what happened? I keep asking myself that, whenever I read my The Eve of a Cherry. Well, not read, edit. The month is almost over, and a pornographic fairytale is about all I have to show for it. I haven’t had the balls to listen to the work CEO. How about daring these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Not Receiving Any Warnings From Norton About Security
    Failed
  6. I AM Writing 25,000 Words, Camp NaNoWriMo “The Eve of a Cherry”
    Failed

#1 is so damn hard, and #5 is so scary, and I don’t even know how to judge it anymore. Again with one, I was thinking of replacing the word “Horny” with “Toxic.” Of course, at the moment, it has been only a day and a few hours. Another goal, go the month. As far as Norton, you’ll be paying for protection, but there’s no longer any peace of mind to be had there. A new year for them and by Friday a new month for you. Do you remember where you thought you would be? I’m always speaking of the future. Two days ahead. And by next month, you’ll be talking to Lady Sophia. Telling her, you finished another book but Six Impossible Things.

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Not Receiving Any Warnings From Norton About Security
  6. I AM Finishing Editing For Camp NaNoWriMo “The Eve of a Cherry”

Use this month, as one of your motivations go impose your “Will” Of The Month.

I Will Have No Fear