My Braxton was barely six pounds at his passing. I never knew grief could be so big until the ocean I cried for him. My rage would show there was no more room in Hell. And desire for release… Stars, Skinny Minnie’s, some Big’Uns. “B In BBWS, Virgil.”
Wednesday, July 3, 2024
Meditation 002 ~B In BBWS, Virgil~
Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned, Inspector, in ways that may seem RUDE, SKEEVY, and unforgivable. My greatest sin, the one that haunts me even today, I lay bare before you. Accept it, for I am burdened with guilt.
Never! On the second day of a new writing year, I cannot choose ACCEPTANCE of my darkest sin. I wouldn’t on Sunday, January 31, 2021. And as I can’t do this Sunday, June 23, 2024. This pattern of denial has become a sin unto itself.
Well, I’m sure I have Humiliations Galore. But I rather not imagine them. I want to avoid rereading what led me to create this platform in the first place. I told the “Man In The Mirror” that I didn’t want to fail in putting out “my” poetry book, GULP. Seeing as how I have a week to prepare. If I only had a week with Braxton when he got sick… If I would have known.
Inspector, do you know I was practicing “abstinence” even before I found out about B?
Yeah, let’s go with that.
When Braxton was around, I wasn’t much for women. His presence was so strong, so clinging, especially in those final days. But I wasn’t UP for watching pairs of Yabbos. I was protecting my son from one thing but overlooked his actual danger. And so I failed as a father. And as a man, saving him. The regret is overwhelming.
So, I’ve been sitting here, trying to deny myself ‘self-fulfillment.’ “Do or do not. There is no try.” But it’s a constant struggle. It feels like a fitting punishment for my sins but also a source of deep personal conflict.
I remember I went 161 days without until, well, uh…
As the song goes, “I’m rich BLANK, I’m a BLANK Big Tymer.” I’m greedy! Selfish!
Inspector Echo, I never saw myself as one who would idolize Scarface’s stance on things.
“Me, I want what’s coming to me. The world, chico, and everything in it.”
Scarface
Wanting a specific size of woman is only another symptom of that… I’m equal opportunity with girls, as you know. But I’ve been thinking a lot. Oh! I’m not writing.
I lost control of my desires when a blonde celebrity, whose name I’d rather not mention, rubbed her legs during an interview. Today, I watched an Asian woman with the nicest Yabbos I’ve seen in some time, Inspector. These encounters, with particular anime, “Fake Driving School,” along with thoughts of Cherry, have tested my self-control.
But the critic doesn’t like that. My grief is an ocean. My rage encompasses Hell. Desires? B In BBWS, Virgil
1249 Days Without B III, Day 690 of Virgil’s Arrival
B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will