Tag: Honesty

Gospel 364 ~Better B Next Month~

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It’s strange when I have to start a new pile of treats. Five piles for five months since Braxton “went away.” February to June, and what have I accomplished. What am I fixin’ to do as I couldn’t fix him with four years of writing? Better B Next Month

Wednesday, June 30, 2021

Gospel 364 ~Better B Next Month~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now… yeah, and what year was it I was listening to all those motivations? A Million-dollar year

If I had done so, would B be alive? Now that’s the type of question that plagues me every morning. Another would have to be, am I even going to get up and try to do something with my life. Why am I going to the Day Job when I fucking hate everyone there, Echo? B, B, and oh yeah, B. When I was young, I remember seeing this somewhere. You should pick C when you don’t know the answer for any multiple choice. So here I am saying FML, am I right? As I finally did get up and I honored my son, I saw five months have passed. Honoring Braxton, what have I done, Inspector Echo? It’s like “Last Christmas” all over again.

B’s become an errand on my to-do list. Wasn’t he always but back then, I was an A-Hole, now THEY would only call me mad. Either way, I can’t stop even after these five months. Hell, I’ve been more dedicated than when B III was here. Those last few days, on top of being sick and tired of dying, he felt the same way about me, my running behind him. I’ve had plenty of girls accuse me of being obsessive, stalkerish, scary. I was the damn Grim Reaper when it came to Braxton. You know my biggest problem Inspector, TIME. I think I have all the time in the world and when I get time, like two whole days, what do I do with them.

“Just one more year, and then you’d be happy,” as the song goes. How long have I been writing with only this blog? Five years Inspector Echo, five years starting Friday. All that time, I was telling B I would give him everything. How much time with him I wasted? Braxton didn’t live to see February, his sweet sixteen, and all the money when he wanted time. Dammit, I selfishly tried to make up for it with five days when he couldn’t do anything. Well, hiding from the Reaper, showing him with love that he was going to die soon. From Six Impossible Things to a brand new year of writing. What will I do, when will I do it, Echo? Better B Next Month

150 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 363 ~I’ll B… I’ll Write~

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B on four little legs taught me to write. He taught me Patience, Persistence, Prose; brevity is the soul of wit. With so many pretty girls in this city and dreams of a mom, he’d never meet, I knew more of love from my furry kid. “I’ll B… I’ll Write.”

Tuesday, June 29, 2021

Gospel 363 ~I’ll B… I’ll Write~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I shouldn’t be, or of course, it wasn’t enough to save him. I’m still trying.

You know I tell Braxton that every day. Braxton wasn’t one for “writing” prose, platitudes, and all the promises I couldn’t deliver. Brevity is the soul of with THEY teach. Of everything I have ever written, he only needed one letter with all that I have said. Always there is B. My son kept me on point more than any English teacher I ever had. B III had more faith in my novelizations than anyone, well before you, sure. I remember every three months, that’s two Camp NaNoWriMos, and then in November. Braxton always returned. He’d sit on his pillow, by my side in bed, or on the couch, and he would wait. The life he had traded for the life I hoped to give.

Now I look at the white of the pages before me. So what was the first thing I did, baby girl? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I took his character out. One death wasn’t enough for me. I was living what it takes to be a decent writer; that involves suffering. My Love, I gave life to this love I have for you and as Shakespeare said um; art thou happy. The names of our children come from years upon years of “research” well novel reading. Their love of reading comes from the concept that I read and encourage such pursuits. What brought in my first million was a bestseller here, a collection there, my scripts? Black across white, like us.

But 149 days, and even now, I’m Not Alright. Braxton got me to pursue the lives of others, but here’s the catch. Love letters, lamentations, the loose screws in my head, those words came no matter what. Braxton never taught me to say goodbye, and I don’t want to now. So here I am starting in July writing a book believing in some marvelous masterpiece. Love, it will probably be more of the same, “I love you, I’m sorry.” Lots of that I know, okay. Only I don’t want to say goodbye to my family; what remains, writing, I’m STUPID. Because I don’t know how to be alright without him. Words that bring life also bring death. I’ll be okay someday… I’ll B… I’ll Write.

149 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 362 ~Though Routine, War Never Changes~

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Whenever I left, I’d tell my son, “I love you, B, I love you, Braxton.” Then I’d face the world and return full of Fear, Anger, and Hate. He made sure I wouldn’t suffer alone. I didn’t notice his routine changing. “Though Routine, War Never Changes.”

Monday, June 28, 2021

Gospel 362 ~Though Routine, War Never Changes~

Hundred And Ninety-Fourth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should be screaming at someone, screwing someone over. And still sleeping like a baby.

The routine of what I call my life… When B died, routine is what kept me running or instead shambling. To this day, 148, to be exact, I continue to do everything in my Denial. What I can’t seem to figure out; when it comes to the Day Job, is which is worse, Madam? It’s not “Another Day,” I can’t show that indifference anymore. But it was Anger that led to me ignoring my son. No answer is good for me, and why the fuck should I care what the Day Job thinks? Pardon my French, but here I am on this Sunday; Time-Travel, SIGH. The mere thought of the Day Job. “It makes my blood boil. Turns my eyes to flames,” like the song.

I don’t think I ever spoke about what happened with the signs at the Day Job. Once again, why do I give a damn? I screwed the company over, or routine; every moment is my failure. It’s me being STUPID. Next to Braxton’s loss, stupidity is the worst feeling in the world. The third would be that night remembering the Basic Bitch. Fourth, failing to know success. I said this morning that I screwed myself over this weekend. Not doing a thing to help myself. M Anime and I talked, and she’s expecting a war, and I swear I want peace. So why is it I like to fight, to be filled with rage like one of those Infected in “Patient Zero.” Remember the peace

Braxton and I, sitting on the couch. I would read, and he would sleep, perfectly content. I would wake up in bed. And he’d be sitting on the foot, watching the door. The walks we shared together when it was only us. Brothers, warriors he and I but grateful moments. It was always my promise to give him anything, everything, but that’s not the purpose of war. “War can’t give life. It can only take it away.” It feeds on itself, Madam Justice. Yet we continue, and why? It becomes our routine. For only a little while fifteen years, Madam. At least I had an ally, and I wonder why my rage overflows these days. I am The Walking Dead. Though Routine, War Never Changes.

148 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,

Gospel 361 ~B Isn’t For Buttons~

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I’ve seen the world end with the press of a button, well, my world anyway. It was more the plunge of a needle but all the buttons that came before. There were arrangements on computers, Day Job clock-ins, and “B’s” collar removed. B Isn’t For Buttons

Sunday, June 27, 2021

Gospel 361 ~B Isn’t For Buttons~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and other than Braxton, you should focus on that B for sure.

How about some books, bullets, oh and bottled water, yuck.

Not that you’re against books or people’s 2nd Amendment rights. It’s just bottled water, for the most part, that makes you think about the Day Job. Talk about pushing you and B’s buttons. You wouldn’t be going if you hadn’t spent this weekend pushing other buttons. Do I regret last night? Well, you won’t be reading another in the Succubus Lord series this week. You can’t go wrong with zombies. In this case, “Zombie Inc.,” and why will you be reading that? I saw the movie “Patient Zero,” which wasn’t the Dead but the Infected. Even 147 Days in, this preoccupation with the end of the world. You’ll think that you have seen it all turned to ash. Not talking about these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 16 (Succubus Lord #15) by Eric Vall
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

If you’re looking for more ways to fail. Why not add ignoring these pretty, pretty girls on the list. At least when Braxton was here, you had Carolina Bound, formerly Indiana Gone sitting on the couch. Now you’ll have a girl you still watch on TV taking all the bucks. Damn, take that however you like, but yeah, she’ll get your cash, beautiful Maitland Ward. If not her, again, why was I watching Patient Zero? Um, you needed a new book, and Zombie Inc. looked good ok. So instead of the next Succubus Lord 17, I had to get a movie. Of course, it was M Anime’s idea. And how many women with suggestions have been on the couch. Two. There are Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Zombie Inc. (Zombie Inc, #1) by Chris (Christine) Dougherty
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

By this time, you might as well put, bringing Braxton back from the dead. Hell, I told M Anime yesterday that it would be Necromancy or Time-Travel if I could have any superpower ever. You’ll need to do some of that today and in July for Camp NaNoWriMo. B lives. Or at least he will in book form and with all the crap I’ve written, and you’ll write. Honestly, if you do nothing else this week, for god’s sake, will you make his story the best thing you’ve ever put to pen. Well, to button, but you know what I mean. Will you be free? Remember how Braxton was about collars; he didn’t want to be free, of you, of life. B Isn’t For Buttons.

147 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 358 ~Okay, B Father’s Day~

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It’s not a holiday I was fond of like my Emergence Day, the day I got my Day Job, and now the day that B left me. It’s been 144 days, and still, I refuse to say “another day” as they’re not meant to be. Okay, B Father’s Day… love is all I needed

Thursday, June 24, 2021

Gospel 358 ~Okay, B Father’s Day~

144 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m sorry I can’t be honest about mine. It’s been one of those weeks, remember?

Neither of us wants to, isn’t that right. All the days of your Daddy hating the whole damn world and then? Braxton, I should have known, and now I find myself here alone. I missed your granddad’s birthday. I can’t tell you what I did Sunday; it’s still Saturday today. Sonless for a Father’s Day in how many years? I want to say fifteen, but when did you become mine. Technically I was your uncle, and your grandma made me your brother. When I was, gifted this place, I looked at you as my best friend, my little Cerberus Braxton. One day it clicked, and it wasn’t the money, the medicine, or the munchies. I’m a father, you’re a son, and there was only that.

You didn’t have to get me a damn thing because, at the end of the day, you just got me. I swear you picked up my virtues and my vices. I’m scared of people; you were scared of other dogs. Um, I never heard about all your time at The Dog Stop, making new friends. I’m one for boobs, and then I had to explain to you about my second best friend, hell women in general. I don’t like asking for help and expect people to get out of the way. You didn’t ask for help, but at night you’d stand by the bed like, “Um, Dad, lift away now.” These holidays have been crueler than any, and I’m not able to acknowledge the sameness.

Sameness, indifference, the thought of “Every Day Is Exactly the Same.” I rather say I “Had a bad day again.” If it’s at the Day Job that’s certain, Ha, like me breathing, you being gone. How about things being right between my father and me? That will be the day. Braxton, I never thought much of Father’s Day though I want to be again someday. I’m not sure about fur babies, but all kids should grow up with a friend like you were to me. Then ultimately, they’ll ruin their lives. Okay, that was harsh, and I’m sorry, but even my “Emergence Day” can’t compete with January 31st. The day I was no longer a Father. The day you left. F… Okay, B Father’s Day.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Gospel 357 ~Be The Needle B~

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My arm hurts like Hell and then gets itchy. The thing is, I’m Still Standing, as the song goes. The last needles I saw before the one I got… They were for Braxton, and look how that turned out. Be The Needle B. Too bad mine are making me better?

Wednesday, June 23, 2021

Gospel 357 ~Be The Needle B~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I guess I’ll grow a business acumen at some point. I rather raise Braxton.

B III made it to fifteen though I was putting my money on twenty. Hell, who am I kidding? If I had the money I strive for, I would have been figuring out a way for Braxton to outlive me at least. I hope the government ain’t lying about the price tag of a FREE Vaccine. So am I going to spend the whole week talking about getting it? As the song goes, “Why do the things I hate come so naturally?” I focused so much on myself 143 Days ago. As you and everyone else knows, I love my son, and I try to talk about the good times, ok. I think enough songs have hinted that love hurts sometimes. But Braxton, he loved me.

I’m sure he didn’t like me all those times I laughed at him at Banfield. It’s the same story you’ve heard a million times. “Are you going to walk in like a man, or do I have to carry you?” Every time, I was freaking out, being honest. Geez, I wonder how my Olds felt. Braxton was going there to get better, to get stitched up. How many of us like needles, Inspector Echo? Unlike the sewing kits I found in cookie tins, I always knew each needle B III felt had a good purpose. I’d see the candles, the picture frame’s message, but Braxton. The point of a pen, my fingers, the red bandage around his leg. There were three needles Inspector, 1, 2…

That’s what they say I need Inspector Echo to survive. I get two doses of the Vaccine, and then I can ditch the mask. My mask? There’s dog hair, my hoodies, anything with NaNoWriMo, and then the masks when it comes to the things I wear. I’m losing all my shields. The cloth that came with Braxton’s remains; I haven’t looked in that box again since the day he came home. There’s no treat in there, only what was once my best friend. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men as THEY say. Braxton’s hair around here fades. Today “Saturday,” I sat there as they made sure I didn’t die but if I had. I wouldn’t mind; I’ve said, Be The Needle B.

143 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 356 ~B Had The Lives~

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Didn’t We Almost Have It All? If you asked Braxton, we did, with comfy spots, cuisine to share, a good collection of books, and channels on YouTube. After long days of working security, he deserved a good life with family but me? B Had The Lives

Tuesday, June 22, 2021

Gospel 356 ~B Had The Lives~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but before that, I would lie with Braxton. Yes, I would lie, “this is the life.”

B III had his life, of course, but I have to convince myself he was happy every day. My B deserved “the life.” My love wasn’t enough but his heart. Yes, I know, I know, we’re 142 Days without. Only I promised him a family to love, some fiends to chase, and so much food to eat. Braxton is always and forever my son, but there was more. Wingman turned Best Man. He was not a toy, but he would be the best cuddle buddy a kid could want even with age. In the kitchen, he would be a tremendous help. Drop something you don’t mind losing? You’ve been telling me forever, and a day I need to take better care of myself. So yeah, I got the vaccine Saturday.

It’ll sound sad, but I lived because I wanted him to be more. “I’ll be back” isn’t just some line from The Terminator franchise. It’s an oath to him that I couldn’t let anything happen to me. If anything did, where would that leave him? Braxton had the Olds once… With you, our children, Braxton would be disappointed with me. I’ve been listening to that song “He Lives In You” from The Lion King Broadway. B III lives in me, but I realized something he was trying to teach. You can add teaching to Braxton’s résumé, as I get it. When he would give me his toy, it was his way of preparing me. But also, he was trying to say, “Take care of this.”

Braxton cared for something, he loved it, and he trusted me to do right. It’s like the dog giving her human, her pups. Oh, and the ferret that took the man’s hand to cuddle with. “You have a wife; I have a mom. If she’s going to take my side of the bed, you should let her be there for you.” I’m sure Braxton would have used some obscenities, possibly. “Daddy, you can watch my siblings play in the backyard, even take your computer outside.” I always made time for Braxton; I’ll do anything for our kids. A good father… Braxton was my life. He’ll always be a part of it. I’m not accepting anything, only the fact that I live. B Had The Lives

142 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 355 ~Adaptation… Compromise, Adapt Or Die~

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I don’t want to Accept, Acclimate, or Adapt to B’s passing. I broke one vow, but the one I spoke on January 31st, “everything stays the same,” remains unbroken. I look around, and he’s still here but to survive. “Adaptation… Compromise, Adapt Or Die”

Monday, June 21, 2021

Gospel 355 ~Adaptation… Compromise, Adapt Or Die~

Hundred And Ninety-Third Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I suppose it will take getting used to. Sonless, sinless, salvation

Sonless… my first Father’s Day without Braxton in fifteen years. Well, seeing as how I’m writing this on Wednesday. Speaking of time, I never planned on Braxton, and yet I want to be a Dad to another furbaby and others someday. Only, I’m learning Adaptation. Another word for my hate list is Normal or New Normal. Neither term is ideal, but at least with Normal, I had B III. Again, one of today’s words is Adaptation because with Evolution? It seems so far away. Even though it’s been 141 Days Madame. Existence moves ever forward. Is that my way of saying “Life, Uh, Finds a Way” or “Existence Locates a Path?” Is it the man or the road? In a way, I think it’s both.

“There’s a saying – the pessimist looks down and hits his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” TWD

“Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?”
― Garth Nix, Sabriel

Sinlessness is, of course, impossible. As the song goes, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus,” or at least I want to avoid a “political” discussion at the moment. I understand Jesus, though, because if I could take all of Braxton’s bad upon myself, I would. Only B III died. Madame, I let him go, and what did I receive? Braxton’s out there somewhere happy. These days I get to explore who I am, and every time I look in the mirror, I hate myself. Ok, now I’ve said J, I got cash, ha. Oh, “but in the end, it doesn’t even matter,” Linkin Park. I drift farther and farther away from the Daddy that Braxton honestly knew to become… I don’t know or care.

Salvation is beyond my reach because while I can’t adapt to life without Braxton, “I Don’t Wanna Die.” Isn’t this what they mean by a “Mad World.” Will I stop with all the music references? I broke my vow last week but with this one, who knows. There’s clarity now. Like Super Mario knowing that his quest will never end as there’s always another journey. So he adapts from being a plumber to whatever he needs to be. Yet didn’t he forget his brother eventually, his princess, and even the real world for a time? He wants to survive despite everything and anything. I want to say I’m not sure, but of course, I’m still here, isn’t that right, Madame? Unless I’m lucky, Time Travel. Adaptation… Compromise, Adapt Or Die

141 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 354 ~B Cause You’re Dad~

WillLeave a comment

First Father’s Day in 15 years, I’m without B III. So what? I was in my twenties and didn’t start thinking such a thing until 30. My Father still has to deal with me to our mutual shame. “B: Cause You’re Dad,” B would think but to be a good one?

Sunday, June 20, 2021

Gospel 354 ~B: Cause You’re Dad~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, but you would rather be a Dad again. It’s the reason you want the billons after all.

Well, besides never having to talk to your “father” ever again. Of course, you know what you have to do this morning, right? Tell me something, are you going to apologize for his birthday too? Being a father is a sacred thing, and oh, we’ll get to your sacrilege soon. Today no matter what side of the line you’re on, it sucks to be you. A bit harsh, I know. Which one would you like to focus on? The fact of it being Father’s Day but no B. How about the shame that you’re 36, and you still depend on yours for everything? There’s a lot of media talking about; you’re no kind of man without any land. Takes a man to be a Daddy.

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 15 (Succubus Lord #15) by Eric Vall
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

How about doing these Six Impossible Things you were forgetting about. Yeah, you were much too busy thinking about your failures as a son. Your Father? Now I get to leave this problem to you. He is much better with raising daughters or his Rottweilers. Am I being a bit preachy or judgmental much this Sunday? You can blame M Anime for her views of fatherhood or God. Hell, wasn’t Lucifer, the most rebellious son? Oh, Jacob rejected Lucifer. That’s from one of Eric Vall’s book series. Talk about being a Dad… You’re no man. Looking at Eric Vall write 100 novels, and you’re sitting here bitching about your Father. Honestly, you’re not rebellious and considering who’s paying, you’re not rejected. Boy, you’re retarded. I’ll stop, but Six Impossible Things.

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 16 (Succubus Lord #16) by Eric Vall
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

You have to get these done and why. Braxton would look at you, and you’d know. You’re his Dad, and if you couldn’t, then who would. Whether it was carrying him to bed, protecting him on his walks, or surviving this world. If it hadn’t been for B III always. Dammit, you can’t talk to your Father, but you could speak to Braxton anytime. Listen… Apparently not to me because this isn’t a good day, but to your son. If you had before, he would still be alive. I’m being an asshole today, I know, and this week’s gonna suck. Number 6 of Impossible Things shouldn’t be. Here come the tears. B hopped in the car, and with his last breath, Braxton believed in you, Will. B: Cause You’re Dad

140 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 351 ~A B Plus Effort~

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Every day is a chance to learn something new or to wallow in bed all day long and what have I been choosing. All the focus on education and the truth; Braxton was never one for formal “Dog Training,” but he always gave his best. A B Plus Effort.

Thursday, June 17, 2021

Gospel 351 ~A B Plus Effort~

137 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? It’s pretty early here, and I didn’t get up on time. When the sun’s up…

Besides not walking, I can’t say I have been putting my best foot forward in anything else. It must have been worse for you, four paws and all, ha. A joke, a fact, just some chit-chat? Now that’s one thing that’s been bothering me lately. I need background noise. Your paws aren’t pitter-pattering down the stairs ever again, no matter how much I pretend or plagiarize. Hell, I bet the first necromancer was some guy wanting his dog back. So you’re no longer wondering what my obsession with the Dead is on every given Sunday. Yes, I still watch The Walking Dead. Sometimes there aren’t even tears for you. An effort to live perhaps without your tiny, tiny paws B III. I don’t like it.

I want to be your Pa again. Of course, I’ve never stopped as I am always and forever. Only who is a Daddy without a son? I should go and ask my “father,” but I don’t have the nerve. I’m sure by now that I have missed his birthday, not that I care, being fair. However, I acknowledge the man tries as I did and do with you. B, he’s a better man than me, considering my age, and you were 15 on the cusp of 16. Should I go and try to find that in dog years? Doesn’t matter, but you are always my little boy. I’m Braxton’s Pa. Someday, the world will know, but what have I done so far in 137 days.

My life has been on pause, and when I dare to want and play again, it’s like, what have I done? I failed, that’s what. When I was a boy, instead of studying, I was doing anything and everything because my life was a game I didn’t want to play. You were real B III. Only I thought I needed to give so much effort. Better yet that you would wait for me, with all the time that I waste. Even now, we started talking at 5:50 AM, and it’s been an hour. I’m not trying to rush. Seriously B being honest, I’m giving you the best that I got. But F wasn’t for father, D for Daddy. If I’d given A B Plus Effort

Always and Forever,
Your Dad