Tag: Honesty

Chronicle 013 ~Could Use Braxton’s Battery~

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Isn’t it only women that worry about how they look sleeping? I’m too tired to worry about being sexist or not even being as WOKE as I am. Anyway, no one could ever sleep as cute as B III. Now that’s sad, considering… Could Use Braxton’s Battery.

Wednesday, July 14, 2021

Chronicle 013 ~Could Use Braxton’s Battery~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but if I were back then, I would have had eyes on Braxton 24/7, 365 easy.

I’m sorry most of my pictures are of Braxton sleeping. It took me seeing him die for five days to keep up with him. Even then, he would not tolerate me making things easier for him. I still see him, my Baby B, getting up on his own four legs going to his water bowl. It was like in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 4×26 “Broken Link.” Odo was ill and could barely walk, but he went out like a man, in front of everyone, fighting for every step, yep. How about Best of the Best, when Alex dislocated his shoulder and somehow got back in the ring, fought, and won. B III would have kept fighting for life if I had brought him home.

I wish I could say that watching YouTube or movies like Men of Honor is what I’ve been doing. Oh yeah, Inspector Echo, my time is so precious that I sleep the days away, ok. Yeah, I’m usually unconscious as I lie here in my bed, getting a faint whiff of B even after 164 Days. One day the smell will disappear, and what will I do, Inspector? No recharge? Speaking of which, I have another excuse for you. For two days straight, I’ve been trying to fix the car with my father. The first day cost me my NaNoWriMo daily badge. Yesterday I didn’t work at all. I threw in B III’s letters giving me 10,000 words. I’m behind. So I’m failing my son.

Now, this isn’t new. There’s Braxton, my second best friend, my third best friend, “Stuff And Thangs,” my father. I’m treating this like I’m some heroic survivor in the Andes. The only person I’m eating is my future self. I lack energy for any sexiness. I’m so thankful, but I’m also lying knowing that when the mood strikes me like any film, novel, or song. Hell, that’s the problem; who’s watching or listening to me other than Braxton from wherever. Inspector Echo, will I always hate looking in mirrors? The way Braxton saw me and would run over my head with his paws if I didn’t get up on time. Triple B was my life. But to give that up writing? Could Use Braxton’s Battery

164 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 012 ~The B In Bling~

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Did you lose something? Yesterday it was my car for a few hours, so I had to walk to the Day Job. It wasn’t B III’s Pendant, though. How much did my car cost but the Urn Pendant that carries a bit of my boy? “The B In Bling.”

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Chronicle 012 ~The B In Bling~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and while I’m buying more diamonds and gold, what’s it all for. One up, on Braxton…

I never take off my wedding band. Well, at least it’s always in sight. Only it’s not the gold that matters. The inscription within it. Baby Girl, this will sound kind of creepy, but you’re still alive. Braxton isn’t. Everyone in our home will outlive me. Any man wants that. Always, that’s the goal and not the gold talking. I never pictured myself a HOarder… yeah, I hear the joke My Love but um. You know how I am with sticky notes. A bad habit kept up from the old Day Job. That’s what I felt yesterday and today’s exhaustion. Hell, I’ve been walking around in the darkness for 163 days. The storm has been one of my own tears grieving my lost B III.

So, of course, it was him I held onto walking back home. I shouldn’t have to do that, being obscenely wealthy. So you know, when I leave the car, I usually place B III’s Pendant on the rearview mirror. I didn’t get to do that and nearly forgot it was on my neck, My Love.
I put him in the pocket of my hood and then took my hood off. The entire day I was scared I would lose him… again. What about putting him in my locker? You know I got caught up doing everything. Every two seconds, I was checking my pocket like a crazy man, My Love. As I was coming home, I wrapped a hand around him, asking for strength, for him to stay with me.

That’s not something I asked while he lay dying in the hospital. Now, first, THEY might say it’s just a Pendant like it’s just a dog. Why wasn’t I thinking of you and our other children during my hour of need? Is this the Republican fervor about Old Glory, hmm? Politics, no, thank you. Ok, My Love, besides the fact I’m always thinking of you and our family, Braxton was/is my guardian, my protector. We are brothers-in-arms when it comes to protecting you, my children, his siblings. A part of him rests inside my Pendant. It’s a symbol of my love for him. As much as my wedding band, my high school Pendant (surviving Hell). You and Me Always and B; The B In Bling.

163 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 011 ~Know Real Or Not Real~

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You love me, Real or Not Real? Now I never had to ask B that question, but sometimes he gave me a look. With everything after his passing, I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s like I’m constantly dreaming while I’m awake. Know Real Or Not Real.

Monday, July 12, 2021

Chronicle 011 ~Know Real Or Not Real~

Hundred And Ninety-Sixtieth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which of course, is not real. Now do I want to be?

Real, always and forever, like my little Braxton. Of course, I say that now about the money because I’m highly motivated and you know why Madam. Come next Sunday, I see one more FAILURE. Oh yeah, and once again, I’m time-traveling, meaning, yes, I wasted another weekend not working on Braxton’s book. If I hadn’t wasted so many days, would I be Richard Branson? That kind of money, muscle, and mindset should be Not Real. Yes, I should have said unreal, but you know where this rule comes from, Madam. Hunger Games, Mockingjay, Katniss, Peeta. As the song goes, “This is no ordinary love.” Did I know what love was before him? Hell, my Ma is going to kill me if you ever ask her.

I’m sitting here, pretending to do something, telling myself, I’ll work on Braxton’s novel after. Do you know why I hate liars so much? I look in the mirror; I see the damage lies do. If you want the truth, I’m hungry. As I told Carolina Bound, my arm is okay, but no sudden movements. I got two books from Amazon, one for both heads. I’m always so tired now. If I want Not Real, all I need do is look at my list of Six Impossible Things. That pretending was seeing how much I don’t have to write, counting up Braxton’s letters. It’s playing around with the chicks on Onlyfans. Of course, my own Stuff And Thangs ain’t nothing to talk about for sure.

Telling the difference between what you feel and what’s real is getting harder to do. I don’t know all of what The Capitol did to Peeta in Mockingjay, but I’m more room 1408, so I think. What I need is some of that Room 101 motivation. Would that make Braxton Big Brother; everything for him? Or what about “Wanted,” shooting the wings off of a fly. I wanted to say something else, but people would take me for suicidal instead of. What, depressed, discontent, disgusting? I have to focus on something, anything else. Braxton Is Real. It could be the fact that I ducked when I heard “gunshots” just now. I’m alive, I’m real, Madam Justice, and you? Is it a question of Real or Not, more or less? I have rules for a reason. Know Real Or Not Real

162 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 010 ~Bruising Buffalos And Braxton~

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No bruising on my arm, but it smarts something awful. Only my brain is all out of whack. I’m surprised my bed isn’t dented. And what about B III’s book. How much have I written today? Thinking about yesterday’s lunch. “Bruising Buffalos And Braxton.”

Sunday, July 11, 2021

Chronicle 010 ~Bruising Buffalos And Braxton~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and being as bright as you are, you know why you aren’t here yet. A compliment, hmm?

You won’t see much more of that from me, with you only now dragging your lazy ass out of bed. I mean, look at the time, uh… 9:25 AM. What have you been doing, dude? You’re right. I wish I could forget, and we’ll get to that. As much as getting vaccinated goes to show… what, I’m a good person or oh that I want you alive? Missing masks? You don’t even like people, and you especially don’t like yourself. Yet I was telling one of the girls the other day. Let it be for someone else, and there you are, 4:00 AM waiting. Please, I was nearly late for the vaccine, but I got there. I care for Carolina Bound, not Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Melody In The Dark
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Now, if you think I was only going to beat up on you for being late or having your pants down. Hell, you can see from the list that, as always, I fucked-up royally. Pardon. Interestingly enough, I finished reading two books because I didn’t have faith in myself. Carolina Bound, on the other hand… that woman has faith, a future, and a family too. Again she’s your second best friend, but how I screwed up lunch with her to a certain degree. Of course, she wouldn’t think so, but it’s you and me here. Unlike you and her, we ain’t friends. Am I telling you hard facts, giving the truth scope, shooting you a dose of reality? These do every time, Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, The Man Who Watched The World End, Chris Dietzel
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

What you wouldn’t give to see Braxton one more time. You would find more humanity in him than you will, looking in the mirror. Are we going to debate humanity right now? You have far too much to do. And seeing where we started and that it’s now 10:55 AM. Well, if you’re going to do that, you can start recording it for “Stuff And Thangs,” right? Should I bother telling you what I expect from you for this week? You already know you won’t be accomplishing the list as lazy as you are. Only when the Day Job calls what happens next? Geez, if I told you to do something for you, wouldn’t you sleep? Do something for Braxton, and you’ll let him down again. Bruising Buffalos And Braxton

161 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 007 ~B’s Dead To Writes~

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VIII days into Camp NaNoWriMo, and yep, I’m writing about B III now. Well, damn, the last six months, and I’m already so far behind. The vaccine does cause fatigue, doesn’t it? I’m still alive, and with my second dose, who knows. “B’s Dead To Writes”

Thursday, July 8, 2021

Chronicle 007 ~B’s Dead To Writes~

158 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m sorry for the title card if they ever make your story into a movie.

Your story or ours, in case you’re wondering where I’ve been today. 2,200 more words down, and I know you’re thinking to yourself, Daddy should be further along than this. Do you remember the last NaNoWriMo we did, and we stayed out in the chill? Well, I did, but you didn’t want to leave me alone out in the darkness but Braxton, writings my life? Then why was I at the Day Job when you needed me the most? I despise those people, and then I came back, told you to shush, and went to sleep. You stood guard always. Braxton, I don’t mean to be rehashing all this, but I was working on your novel again. It’s still untitled. Beyond Boys: Braxton Barks Bradford.

No disrespect to the LGBTQIA community (that’s a lot of letters, ain’t it)? Anyway, all my titles seem to come off as GAY. Speaking of not, I talked to your aunt a few days ago, B. Have you seen her?

The last time Carolina Bound was around, I ordered onion rings at lunch, and you were peeved; I didn’t bring you anything. It’s the little stories like that which might make a good book, Braxton. That’s if I ever get it done, and I will; it’s for you after all. So was the album I never finished, and what about my tattoo? Oh, I’ve had my run-in with needles B with COVID-19 and all. I’ll never forget that you saw me through what THEY think was the worse year. 2020

2021, the only year that beats the one I was born into. Who knows B III? In all honesty, I was hoping the vaccine would do its worst, poetic justice. I shouldn’t talk like that. Living, I am alive, more like existing. But you saved my life more times than I can remember. I wish you could tell me what you want from me. Every day I remember the vet and that look you gave me as they told me the worse news ever. Smarty-Pants. Braxton, you said, “I want to go home. Can we go home, Daddy?” I wrote my name, and you ended up in a box. Will a book be any better? My B’s Dead To Writes

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 006 ~Bleep, Blah, But Braxton~

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I look at myself in the mirror when I can stand it, and I want to scream, “Shut The Eff Up.” The good news is, that’s not often. I have no qualms about my body, but my face is a whole other story. Braxton had a cute face. “Bleep, Blah, But Braxton.”

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

Chronicle 006 ~Bleep, Blah, But Braxton~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and with that amount of money, hmm. I’d get my teeth fixed or just shut up.

Living was so much easier when I was apologizing to Braxton. We’re on day 157, and I haven’t stopped seeking forgiveness. Oh, I learned my lesson, Braxton; my boy’s gone. I’ve been thinking about all the apologies I owe, and I’m not like the former president. All this morning, it was fuck this, fuck that, and with everything I got going on these days. It’s how the THEY say, I’ve got no fucks left to give. Everything I have, all that I am, should be going into B’s novel, and already I’m way behind. I’ve got all this time, Inspector. Of course, this morning, I spent it gaming and on “Stuff & Thangs.” Hell, I didn’t even post, and I fucked-up again. After three days

I did write about 2,000 words, but it’s more of the same I’ve been spouting for, yes 157 Days. I’m starting to feel less like Charlie Brown and more like one of the adults, “waah.” So besides breaking my streak of, you know what, I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut. I’m talking to myself again, which is even sadder because I could at least preach at B III. No, I’m not moving towards that most dreaded word, even worse than STUPID. The big A Inspector Echo… ACCEPTANCE. Never, I say again, never. I keep crying and laying treats, hating myself even more now with all this free time I have going doing nothing. Well, of course, failing, but that’s more of my blah.

Then there’s Saturday, where if I’m lucky, my second vaccine dose may finally kill me. That’s not a joke Inspector Echo. You know me, I love my mask and hate my big mouth. As the song goes, “Hey Jealousy.” Do you remember Cherry? Well, she’s got a podcast. What oh what have been my accomplishments, I ask. A few novels for NaNoWriMo, uh, all unpublished? I have a job I hate and everything else I do to make money, well, have I made any ever? Braxton, being his father, and of course, we know how that ended. So for Saturday… Somehow if I don’t die, I’m having lunch with Braxton’s aunt, Carolina Bound. What shall we talk about? Yeah, I’m sorry, Bleep, Blah, But Braxton.

157 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 005 ~Won’t B Letting Go~

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I had to let him go when he finally found a girl he liked. I did when he had my children to look after. Yeah, a man can dream. When I did let him go, back, in reality, I had no place to live once, and then there was January 31st. “Won’t B Letting Go”

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Chronicle 005 ~Won’t B Letting Go~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which is a good thing because diamonds are forever, or so THEY say. I’m buying more…

Only I’m not going to break out my best impression of Kanye West and Jamie Foxx if you know what I mean. You’re not about that but then again, as Beyoncé put it, “’Cause if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it. Well, didn’t I? And I’m not letting you go. Does that sound sort of creepy? You’ll have to forgive me, seeing as well that it is the new year after all. A new year, a new start, and me with my broken heart, and do you even ask anymore. Again diamonds are forever, but what about ashes, whatever of authorship. Would you tell me to take my entire left arm, which will bear my memories of my firstborn son?

I could not let go of my love for him as I can never be free of the love I have for all of our kids. They are ours, as was B. He didn’t let go. Baby Girl, I did. My failure and my disgrace. I will not let go of the truth of what I have done. For what am I without it. I am a man, a Daddy, and my grip has not loosened a bit on those I love and protect. Perhaps sanity? Can you blame me? Okay, I started writing today earnestly, passionately, and still, I fucked it up. Every word I write draws closer to two, “The End.” How about goodbye? What about the worse of all, you know Acceptance?

In 156 Days, not one has ended without a tear shed for him. How many would I cry if B III’s death cost me the family that I promised him so long ago? Again I look to my left hand, there’s your love, across my arm, him. To my right, I hold my other children. Perhaps there is a reason that dogs were given paws. Even Braxton had his moments when he would want me to let him go, to put him down… will I stop being so morbid. As I said, I was writing of him today, and that comes out as; well it ain’t good it can’t be.
But I won’t be letting go of him or of love. Won’t B Letting Go

156 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 004 ~Crushes And Stalkers, Fiction, Nonfiction~

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I don’t remember when I wrote this rule. But, I was in a group reading of alpha males, with flawless women on the covers. Or shirtless dudes. In their world, specific actions and words well… “Crushes And Stalkers, Fiction, Nonfiction.”

Monday, July 5, 2021

Chronicle 004 ~Crushes And Stalkers, Fiction, Nonfiction~

Hundred And Ninety-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford to lie in bed all day, now to turn off everything… right?

This is the perfect rule for today, as I’m starting a new year of Will’s Writings, Witticisms, & Wisdom. As THEY say, a “tale as old as time,” song as old as rhyme. I started all this because of a girl I’d rather not talk about, but when have fingers cared? From Lessons, Episodes, Logs, Gospels, and now here we have a new Chronicle. I’m still talking about females. But it’s been Braxton for the most part for the past One Hundred and Fifty-Five days. Don’t worry, Madam Justice, we’ll get to him. Only we must go back. There was Lesson 001 ~Look Who Grossed Up~. I thought I had a Crush; she thought I was a Stalker. No, she said SKEEVY, at first, yeah.

Even then, Braxton was here, and I thought of myself as a Daddy. No, I was only a BOY WITH A BLOG (and a dog). To be fair, I would kill to be that SKEEVY BOY WITH A BLOG again, if only for B’s sake. Five years I’ve been here, “Oh I’ve Wasted My Life.” Madam, to think wronging the Basic Bitch and I believe around ten different women was bad. My crime now is simple, and again you’ve heard me go on and on about this. I killed Braxton. I killed my son, my best friend. All with the hatred for this godforsaken universe. Now that B III’s gone, my holy trinity, it sure is. And I’m his prophet. Am I writing his Bible?

For once, I’m hoping with Time Travel and all, today is June 30, 2021; I’m writing the truth. Now that gets me back to today’s “perfect” rule. You see, life is not some porno, erotica, or even a bit of softcore. The things I do, acceptable with money, manhood, might. No face as hideous as my face as the song goes. In fiction, I’m good, but for real, I’m skeevy. No one on Earth can tell me this. B III wasn’t my son, my firstborn, yet THEY will keep telling me he was only a dog. I wasn’t a parent; B III was not my family for fifteen-plus years, Madam. Words have power. They make us “Real or Not Real.” Crushes And Stalkers, Fiction, Nonfiction.

155 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 003 ~Independence Day, B Free~

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A bang or a whimper, when Braxton got his freedom from me, all was silence. I wish I could cuddle him today of all days. I hate fireworks, and of course, he did too, but we’re proud Americans. I am prouder to be his Dad. Independence Day, B Free

Sunday, July 4, 2021

Chronicle 003 ~Independence Day, B Free~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and when you “Get On My Level,” as the song goes, you should get your armory ready?

Not you and Braxton? Although there was that storm when everyone asked the question, “What If The Town Blew Away?” Last night with all the bullets, bombs, and buffoons, I was hoping that it did. Anything to be back with B III after 154 Days. Didn’t I say once, I was beyond the five minutes, and the world will end concept? You will never forget what day that was, Sunday, January 31, 2021. It was like the Thanos Snap. Half of my heart disappeared on that day. How dare I ask you to continue forward? Your first Independence Day without B III, not that the two of you celebrated. Braxton would put on a brave face, and you never liked fireworks or Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Zombie Inc. (Zombie Inc, #1) by Chris (Christine) Dougherty
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

You would think, with all my failures, you might want to be free of these. I shared many films, fiddling, and forgotten things with M Anime and Carolina Bound last week. Hell, you want to know why you couldn’t find the right words when B found his freedom. Please enlighten me. Do you think that death is both failure and liberty? In that case, like father, like son, Braxton didn’t want either to the very last second. Triple B wasn’t a slave. He was my son, and if anything, he wanted me to be free. What does Braxton want? Dammit, I should have asked that question every single day. Now you are left to wonder. A Father Free From Fear, but these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Melody In The Dark
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

I’d ask the same of you, but I’ll start by saying you should free yourself from being a fuck-up, a fuckboy, and a fucktard. Pardon my French, and isn’t this America’s day and all hmm. Are you free to be yourself then? I could settle on you being the man you were with Braxton or even the one you were right after. You know what I’m saying with the list. People all around have been asking you to be free of your mourning, but no. I don’t know if I ever thought of Acceptance, and neither should you. You can never be free of B. Perhaps tonight, all the neighbors will finish the job. Americans love to blow stuff up nicely. Independence Day, B Free

154 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 365 ~A Year B Longing~

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At the closing of the year… well, the blog year. To think I started this over a bitch four years ago and the last five months, I’ve been mourning over a son of a bitch. I am talking about my son. A Year B Longing, but I’ll finish his book this month.

Thursday, July 1, 2021

Gospel 365 ~A Year B Longing~

151 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I want to believe this day is monumental. I’ve been at this for four years.

Only this is the first one talking to you like this. It’s been five months, and to think, when I began, this was all over some bitch. Is that offensive, B? Seeing as how you were the son of some bitch I never met before, you became my boy. She was on the Rainbow Bridge. How I wonder what you told her about the family that took you in. What is there to say about your father? Do you even miss me at all? Fifteen years, four of them sitting here, holding you in my lap, watching you sleep on your pillow. Remember Outside, Inside. That would be my idea of Hell, you go out, you come in, and you never stay with me, B.

Today I’m hoping I’ve started my book for you. How many NaNoWriMo’s did you sit through, Camp and all? How do you think I learned to Time Travel so well, seeing how today is Sunday? I did picture a better life for us but seeing we’re talking now, I’m pissed.
It would always be something at the Day Job, talking to your granddad, or “I don’t know, it’s just the way I am.” To you, I was Daddy, and that will never change. You weren’t waiting for me to change but only to come home. I should’ve gotten here sooner. However, I was always stuck in the past. You saved me from the present, and I longed for the future. Not for me but you.

For four years, Braxton I had rules to get by with Lady Luna. I so hoped to obey them, ha. I talked to the woman I believed would be your future Mother, Dear Future Wife. Inspector Echo showed me I would know no greater sins or shame than losing us. Dammit, I killed again with Dirty Diana because I would rather talk to you, Braxton. Today I don’t want to be mad at myself. Well, not in failing to write your story B III, okay.
When I speak to Lady Sophia, Friday, I want to know that four years mattered. Preparation to honor you, Braxton Barks Bradford, the one I love more than anyone else.
I love writing. I love you. A Year B Longing

Always and Forever,
Your Dad