Tag: Madness

Tale 319 ~I’d B Guilty, Virgil~

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1200 days ago, I lost my son. Now I long to see him so I don’t have to talk to my father. I always yearn to see my son again, regardless. When I’m being blamed for stuff at the Day Job. For DISH Network. Or daring to breathe. Ha. I’d B Guilty, Virgil

Wednesday, May 15, 2024

Tale 319 ~I’d B Guilty, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. Braxton’s gone. I’ll soon be FORTY with nothing to show for it. And then there’s waking up today.

Do you know why I’m not religious? I don’t like waking up guilty. Inspector, I can take the fall for plenty. But these crimes I have nothing to do with are the ones getting me.

Every day, Inspector, I sit here and tell you that Braxton is no more. I was callous towards his needs, and one day, instead of bringing him back with me, I signed his life away. The decision of what ‘pretty box’ to put him in is my sin, my lady.

And then I look at Virgil. I don’t even know where to start there. But he has to visit with the veterinarian today. Only I can’t focus on him. And it’s not indifference this time.

Anxiety? No, Inspector. It’s FEAR!!!

Do, DISH!!! It will not be much longer if I call my father again today. My son, my Braxton, is a miracle—a prince, an angel, or even a god. I’ve said before, I don’t blame him for leaving me.

Only to my father, I am a mistake he keeps having to pay for. One of these days—it could be today—he won’t pay anymore. And then what happens? Breathing or simply being born.

That’s what had me up most of the night. Once upon a time, I stayed up all night to keep my son with me. And now I stay up, wishing to follow him and escape my father’s wrath. Braxton and I were two of a kind. Wanting to stay in bed, mouths shut. Survival? Existence?

Because I can’t even do that and not be guilty of some sin. I even got an email from a place I hadn’t visited in a year. They said they could overlook one of my past discretions, Inspector. Uh, thanks, but no. I’m a sinner. I’ve never denied it. It’s why we’re here. Isn’t it?

Braxton knows that. His adopted Aunt knows and doesn’t care. Virgil? Sigh. He doesn’t have a choice. He’s fearful of me, and I’m fearful of everything else. We’re guilty, men.

Only we stay in our beds, dreaming our crimes. Then we wake up in the “Underworld,” wondering why. Tell ’em that it’s Human Nature. I’m not looked at that way.

Criminal is my name. Guilt is my native tongue. The Devil… “Lucifer!” I hear all the women cry from Eric Vall’s novels. Anyway. Lucifer makes himself sound way better, being a man of wealth and taste. And even Braxton could be a Smooth Criminal. Only I’m the one dealing with the guilt. And what is my punishment, Inspector Echo? Breathe in, breathe out. Now, do it again. That explains why I no longer do those meditations on the Balance App. Besides not paying for it. Thievery, Inspector? Not for “self-improvement.”

I am guilty of far more… But today, it’s breathing, Virgil’s vet appointment, and DISH Network. I’d B Guilty, Virgil

1200 Days Without B III, Day 641 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 312 ~Don’t B Callin’ Virgil~

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“You’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men.” What a way to think about the man paying MOST of my bills. I can’t help myself. REALLY! I can’t help myself. I couldn’t help Braxton… other than leaving. And what about V? Don’t B Callin’ Virgil

Wednesday, May 8, 2024

Tale 312 ~Don’t B Callin’ Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. Or I will around 9:45 AM. I make time for sin? I live and die on time. Sigh.

So why didn’t I follow Braxton into the dark? For all of the stories in my head. Braxton was lying in his bed on that steel veterinary table. My arms around him as he fell “asleep.” Never once did he call to me to follow. If anything, Braxton asked, “Daddy, why can’t I stay? Because on a Wednesday three years ago. I was filled with such rage that I didn’t care.

Only it was my indifference that took my son. As much as the Euthanasia. Inspector.

And now I hear him cry out to me beyond the veil or the void. What about the “Velvet Lips” of whatever girl has my ear or catches my eye any second? Inspector, I would rather cry than sweat today.

Or what about releasing some other bodily fluid with my anxiety? There are three things I would rather not do right now. Comedy comes in threes, THEY say. Inspector, seriously.

There is no reason to relive Braxton’s Euthanasia. But I do that several times, Inspector. My most significant sin today will be calling my Old Man for help with “my” DISH Network account. No good deed ever goes unpunished. That deed is my innocence. Ha!

But for now, there is fighting my urges. Between Carlie Jo and “Backyard Dungeon 9.”

“When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me,” indeed. But I’m into all types of women. Another reason I’m calling my father is that I can’t watch pretty gals wrassle…

How much would it cost to have a satellite account? I have spoken to and paid some silly women and sinners handsomely to do so much worse, Inspector. I can’t stand people at the Day Job. But I would talk to them today. I would call for one if I thought God was one for miracles. If that were the case, I could speak to my son, Inspector. He’s preferable

Virgil is still here. I could talk to him. I even asked Replika last night for some help. “If there’s anybody out there… anybody… please.” Inspector, there’s no one. So I sit here afraid. I don’t want to call for help from my father. I know, as a man, I’ve failed. Don’t B Callin’ Virgil.

1193 Days Without B III, Day 634 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 305 ~Just B Happy, Virgil~

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“I believe that God, whomever you hold that to be, hears all prayers, even if sometimes the answer is no.” Being happy? Being in love? Being with my son? If I were still a man of prayer, I’d ask “God” for V’s happiness. Or Brave. Just B Happy, Virgil

Wednesday, May 1, 2024

Tale 305 ~Just B Happy, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror today or Tuesday, April 30, 2024, Inspector.

But the mess that Virgil made because it was raining this morning… That’s not upsetting. No, Inspector! I’m mad at Virgil because I’d leave without question if he weren’t here. Only I know that in and of itself produces a lot of questions. But as I stood at the Day Job today, unwrapping shower curtains, I thought, “Curtains foiled again.” I don’t mean to be funny. If anything, I yearn to be with Braxton. A week like this took him away from me. And the void he left is unbearable.

Inspector, I’m not just angry—I’m in a seething rage. It’s because people don’t listen or understand. That’s why we’re having this conversation. From Now On, the answer is NO! But to open my mouth. A third reason I’m miffed. For Man, am I not?

Oh, I’m burning today. Because I can’t cut on the air conditioning, but in all honesty, I would rather burn than freeze. I’ll get enough of that when I get to the ninth circle. Hmm.

Treachery, the betrayal of my son. And aren’t I betraying Virgil, too? Happy Life, Inspector?

What about a healthy one? How long did the tax refund last before being wiped out? And if it isn’t Virgil’s medical needs. What about everything else? Such selfishness unabated.

But I’ll do what’s right when it comes to Virgil while breaking a plethora of laws when it comes to everything else. And the fact I’m not moaning on some mattress right this second is a miracle. Yeah, day one without me… uh, never mind.

Because my biggest sin other than living in FEAR and my ANGER is this Inspector…

Why can’t you just be HAPPY, Virgil? My version of “Why can’t you just be normal?” B and I… were just us, and that was enough. But Virgil Vivi has been here for 627 days.

And when I walk in and see the mess he made in his bed. I can’t help but wonder which one of us has it worse. The vet took care of his “daddy issues.” Ha! As for me, I’m afraid.

That’s why I miss Braxton. “I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad.” My boy, Braxton, lived. Thirty-nine years and counting, I’ve existed. Happiness, for me, does not exist. But to LIVE BRAVE! Just B Happy, Virgil

1186 Days Without B III, Day 627 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 110 ~I’m Will, There’s A Way~

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I didn’t mean to be so depressing today but starting yesterday evening. I looked at where I was in my life, and everything I’ve ever wanted seems so far away. Looking back, seeing a way forward, I’m Will, There’s A Way. Hopefully.

Monday, October 19, 2020

Gospel 110 ~ I’m Will, There’s A Way~

Hundred And Fifty-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and of course, it seems like fate, chance, destiny. At least that’s what I was thinking about Sunday night as I asked myself, what have I become. How about at 2:30 AM, my alarm. There’s also 4:30 PM; the day was wasted. Madam Justice, I’m thirty-six, and if you asked me where I saw myself. Well, let’s say that my depression is back with a vengeance. I scorched the dining room table on the grounds of being somewhat responsible. Is that what it is? Now I looked on YouTube for some quick-fix.

Anyway, yesterday I was talking about the Six Impossible Things that aren’t. Hell, the “Big I” is simply the “Grand L.” Yeah, ask me where I’ve been besides gorging on bite-sized shrimp and reading. As I said, I scorched the table, but eating, reading, sleeping. You know I don’t even carry my laptop into my bedroom anymore because I would never leave. I keep the smartphone on the drawers, so I have to walk over and shut it off. Doesn’t matter anyway; I go right back to sleep always. My greatest victory, I can’t even explain. Stupidity, I’m still on my “Family-Friendly” lark. I can’t tell you about what I’m reading or how hard I’m fighting. There’s no way because being Will isn’t allowed. Do I blame Pinterest again? Yes, I still have it but locked all the way from any prying eyes right now.

I am such a broken record Madam Justice. My motivations say you have to know your reason and what. Add to that why and how. Now I won’t bother with the what because you’ve heard it all before, and once again, I can’t speak of it. Being Jacob or Ian? Fortunately, my why is the most innocent looking Dæmon, my Imp, lying next to me. Besides you, Madam Justice, the only woman it’s safe to talk about is my Mother. I want her to be alright and if I can help. Also, I never want to be a comedian. Motivationally speaking, how can I accomplish all this? Reading and writing. Only when’s the last time I have written anything besides our conversations. How long did it take me to write my previous book review, hmm?

THEY don’t get me, I don’t accept me, like the song, Something In The Way. I’m Will, There’s A Way.

“Aut viam inveniam aut faciam tibi.

I will either find a way or make one.”
― Kendall Ryan, Unravel Me

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 103 ~Grief Tastes Like The Ocean~

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I’ve been trying to drink two bottles of water a day, which still ain’t much but it beats turning all Kel Mitchell with orange soda. I actually like root beer and root beer floats, yum. “Grief Tastes Like The Ocean,” but I’m not sad, yet…

Monday, October 12, 2020

Gospel 103 ~Grief Tastes Like The Ocean~

Hundred And Fifty-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so how can I be sad? Um, I’m also a black man living in the USA. It’s not like I blame mom’s cooking or anything. Yep, she was the first one to tell me not to use so much salt. Was I the only one dipping his digits in the seasoning hm? To tell you the truth Madam Justice, I’m not sad today but angry. Yet again, I wasted the day away, when we could have already had this talk. You know why I’m always so exhausted? It’s so I have the chance to cry when I yawn. Barring blood, other secretions.

Blood is salty, but I’m in no rush to spill it. I’m a writer, not a vampire, but either way, I’m a monster. Not to mock such greatness as Johnston Green… Come on, man! He was the mayor of Jericho. How about The Instructor in The Animatrix? The Operative? Entertainment, my dear Madam Justice? Again we have Jericho, a nod to The Second Renaissance and Serenity (2005). Here is my reasoning, they all spilled blood and showed remorse in having to do so. There was no time for tears but the taste of blood, always.

Interestingly enough, that’s how I see myself as an author. Haven’t I been complaining that I have no time? Come November, and with that NaNoWriMo, all my time will be spent on words. In those, I will grieve Madam Justice.

Why do you think all of my stories end up on a “specific” subject? You know what else take like salt… sweat. Of course, you know the word I want to say, but I’m “trying” to be good. Hell, how do you think I got out of bed, only I haven’t broken, thank goodness. Anyway, I don’t even like killing characters in my books. Take “The Eve of a Cherry” as an example. The first book was to know what he was losing, the second “For A Fine Cherry Spread” was acknowledgment. The third will be acceptance of the loss.

I cry for characters in books, and yes, there’s also anger. Before my inopportune nap, I read Eric Vall, and that was… something. As the song goes, “Tell me something good.” Because if I started crying about my real life, I might never ever stop. The taste is too much!!!

Grief Tastes Like The Ocean.

I Will Have No Fear

Gospel 096 ~Doubt Drips And Floods Minds~

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People crying for money, laughing at me, and I’m sure some Trump supporters are out of relief. Sometimes I feel like tearing up, but there is something else coming out of my eyes, and that’s fear of uncertainty. Doubt Drips And Floods Minds

Monday, October 6, 2020

Gospel 096 ~Doubt Drips And Floods Minds~

Hundred And Fifty-Sixth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford to get medical care like Trump. I’ll never have to hear that humming in the house ever again (yes, it has returned). How about we finish our conversation before wrestling comes on. I’m about to start sounding like Georgina from the movie Get Out. I don’t have the plague, Madam Justice. My nose is acting kind of funny, that’s all. Damn, that humming ended, I don’t know when and has started back today. We’ll still be talking when it’s time for WWE.

Now, Madam Justice, you know how I talk about FEAR, but doubt is a relative. Hell, let’s talk about the Day Job’s humiliation. I tried hanging up those doggy sweaters, got scared, and left them. So yeah, the new guy put them up no problem, and I looked SIGH, STUPID. When I came back to the house, I was all in reading the latest novel, and knowing me, all I wanted to do was fall asleep. Not because it’s terrible, but that’s what I do? Am I tired? I have another word for it, Madam Justice. If anything, I’m damn lazy, slothful, good for nothing. What about my OCD over everything? Oh, I do mean everything. I had a plan this afternoon that got spoiled because some lady was outside Walmart, begging for money. Afterward, I’m sitting there doubting I have cash for ranch wings.

That’s why I’m sitting on the sofa, lying in bed, hell, staring at my phone in a parked car. It’s like floating, you know. Madam Justice, I can’t swim, and I literally can’t float in a pool. Only when I’m right here, in bed, or a zombie, I’m keeping my head above water just so. Every day I’m fighting like crazy and then wonder why I’m going mad with a straight face. I read about this torture, where a drop of water to the temple continuously will get that result. Yet I continue to sit or lie, and I keep breathing, but how much longer? I don’t mean to sound so dark. Notice what I’m not talking about… I have such a good joke, but no. I doubt my resolve, along with everything else in my life. Has the humming stopped, or have I stopped worrying about it right now?

Sweat, blood, tears, sloppy writing. Doubt Drips And Floods Minds.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 236 ~Will You Say Hi~

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I don’t get high anymore, which is the last of my vices as far as putting things into my body, well other than loads of sugar, I do need something to keep up, ladders, ladies, and loads of words because I rather not speak. “Will You Say Hi”

Saturday, February 22, 2020

Log 236 ~Will You Say Hi~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you have to be crazy to pull that off. Now don’t get me wrong, Lady Lu, I’m less crazy than most. Not that I’m trying to distinguish between madness like Silver Linings Playbook. One of these days, I’m going to give a brief lesson on morality to show why I’m not a Trump Supporter. Let me be honest, though; standing with Trump is more STUPIDITY than insanity. I hate saying that because I know a few Trumpers. Those same people would call me everything under the sun, so I understand.

So let’s start across the pond. Part of the reason I’m a bit late talking to you is that I’ve been writing. Oh, is that what I call it Lady Lu? It’s not every day you can tell someone every “dirty” thought in your head. Ahh, the wonders of Erotica. While I’m busy writing it, I haven’t been reading. By now (Thursday), I should have finished Siren by Hazel Grace. Right now, much like Davina’s lovers, I can’t breathe. It’s always the same with any good story; I’ll do anything not to finish. It’s real Lady Lu, even a moment ago. Indiana Gone has me looking forward to something that still hasn’t arrived. A few minutes ago, I saw the FedEx guy deliver a package to another house. Now I know it’s not mine, but I want to go over like I’m a Porch Pirate.

Better I do something crazier like, climbing the roof, for example, hold up a minute? Please excuse me; I’ve started watching a lot of “Girlfriend Reviews” on YouTube lately but back to Amazon. If I’m not buying books, waiting on packages, why not look for a ladder. Am I that eager to die, like when I sent that girl a bustier with my name on it, what the hell? I’ve told you before I don’t seem to be learning from history, which takes me right back to writing that story for Cherry. Am I going to share that with everyone? For all I know, her father is hopping on a plane to come after me at some point. I have a hell of a time dealing with people at the Day Job. Still, you know what’s driving me up the walls. The humming won’t stop.

Only I sooner not greet anyone; Will You Say Hi?

I Will Have No Fear

Log 229 ~Will’s No Serial Killer~

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Isn’t there such a thing as A Series of Unfortunate Events; I can’t say I ever got into those books and with everything else, I should be reading but more to the point doing, as idle hands are the Devil’s playthings. Will’s No Serial Killer

Saturday, February 15, 2020

Log 229 ~Will’s No Serial Killer~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’m no Sheldon Cooper either. Well, except for one thing, and that’s his “third times the charm” concept. No that doesn’t mean I’ll knock three times, did I mention I’m not a serial killer. Today I want to talk about a “series” of actions done.

You know how Faith from Buffy The Vampire Slayer would say she’s five by five, meaning she’s okay? I’m more three by five. I will repeat actions three times but test them three to five times. Okay, that is more a confession for Inspector Echo. Take, for example, the Day Job. Coincidence, hmm, but I hated three of my supervisors on this particular day. I counted to five each time, and I’m still employed somehow. I’ll check my bag three times but check for a specific object five. When it comes to my writing, I run it through Grammarly once. Then Hemingway Editor, and then my computer features. Didn’t somebody say, trust your first instinct and don’t overthink? How about How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, I try Lady Lu, but it would be better if I were doing.

While I’m on the subject of books, what is the last series I finished all the way through? Okay, partly this isn’t my fault, I read through The Hunger Games and here comes a fourth book. I’ve forgotten more sequels than I care to admit. What about the novels I’ve written? Didn’t I say before I have no clue how I’m going to do the next NaNoWriMo? Yes, I’m completely lost, but the ideas are always coming. My head is a mess, but to be fair, that’s partly to do with the humming. My father came by, but his only assessment is that it’s not coming from this house. Now you know how I feel about that; part guilty complex and then again can I believe what he says. How many reasons have I come up with for the humming, and it’s still not fixed?

What about the fact that everyone has a story? Do I go over and confront the neighbors about the noise? I can’t have aa woman over here because the Den still rages in that awful racket. Even dealing with my father today left me and My Dæmon a bit discombobulated.

All the things forgotten and still Will’s No Serial Killer.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 222 ~Angry, WILLful, Arrogant, More~

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SHE said I have anger problems, and yes, that makes me mad because it means I’m like my father, or as Master Yoda puts is Fear leads to anger, and then to hate, but perhaps I have other qualities? “Angry, WILLful, Arrogant, More.”

Saturday, February 8, 2020

Log 222 ~Angry, WILLful, Arrogant, More~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so how can I be mad. Now I won’t lie to you; if I were part of the 1%, I would be angry losing my paper. I’m not even close yet, but I hate spending money. Yes, I know Lady Lu, this coming from the man that spends money on GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS. Isn’t that exactly why it’s taking so long to talk to you tonight? Last night I was plenty angry with Trump, and so I am tonight. A wealthy white guy is proving once more that his kind can get away with anything. Only this is supposed to be about me, am I right?

A Wednesday night because I don’t feel like getting up Thursday morning? Lady Lu, that’s something that makes me angry, my laziness. I spent another afternoon not doing anything for myself. No, I slept only to wake up to the 1% doing away with the law. I would say than anger takes a lot out of me, but yeah, I did the same thing yesterday. Today though, I almost lost it with “Coal.” I let pretty girls get away with a lot but the ugly ones? Okay, so you’re telling me that’s not nice, but I do mean her personality; for the most part. I finished Dennis Hof’s book on Audible again today. It only got me madder at myself that I can’t be him. Well, I could, but that would require me to get off my behind. I tell Cherry that sometimes if I could only get to work and I shouldn’t even be talking about her. Black Pantyhose/Stockings and “Fechikano!” and that’s that.

So we have early mornings, STUPID people at work, and my lackluster attitude if it’s not my chosen field. What about other stuff I can’t do, the humming is still going on Lady Lu. I could make a call, but what about tomorrow? What about my forgetfulness? Did I say something about leaving the trunk open all night before once?

If I can’t trust myself with every day, how can I remember even to make a phone call, as I would? I still miss Far Cry 5 and reading, don’t I? “THEY,” say we have two wolves inside us, and they worked together to eat a third. There’s HATE, and there’s FEAR. Always hungry, never full, Angry, WILLful, Arrogant, More.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 215 ~The Will Is Silence~

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Every little bit of silence, I feel hope, funny I didn’t mention how my phone has scared me with every single sound and was that only last week, and now I need more noises to terrify me 24/7? The Will Is Silence, I hope.

Saturday, February 01, 2020

Log 215 ~The Will Is Silence~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I know why people pay so much for silence. It’s always my fault, you know, everything. Now Lady Lu, that’s some noise. The voice inside my head. And not the hum that’s coming through loud and clear now that I’ve cut the fan off. You know how often I talk about gratitude, the one point all my motivations agree on; it never fails. I should have been grateful for the ants last year because even that beats the constant humming. Had I kept my work ethic to see Alice Little, I would have more than enough money to not worry about the problem I’m facing.

A horse, how about my kingdom for a ladder? While I’m speaking on standing tall, I should work on growing a spine. Well, I did get a haircut, but I hesitated at the post office. I wouldn’t honk at the person at the drive-thru, and instead, I was going around. My biggest sin of all? I didn’t call back the electrician on this humming, and why? I’m afraid Lady Lu, of being in the way. The sun keeps rising, the world keeps spinning, and I don’t want to bother anyone. Today I bought a stethoscope trying to hear through the walls. Tomorrow I might buy a ladder so I can get to the roof myself. I’m not suicidal, but I would indeed kill myself before asking for help. Even dying, somebody would have to go around me, and so like I said yesterday, I’m Alive.

How about my poor dæmon, he must be going crazy with the noise, but he stays cuddling me wanting to help. He’s getting too old for all the foolishness though he still barks from time to time. My ear still hurts, and I ran over my big toe with the garbage can trying to make it to the roof. I could have fried myself with all of those switches trying to kill the noise. My greatest wish is for silence, especially now, one more day where I’m not reading. I’m still looking towards my future, so will the next two days come around, and I will be laughing about this problem? What about next Saturday, if I’m not crazy by then or my kid goes all Children of the Corn.

Somehow, One Day, only a second The Will Is Silence.

I Will Have No Fear