Tag: Obsession

Saga 039 ~Where We’ll B Escaping~

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Didn’t I speak last week about Treachery? I haven’t betrayed a woman, my crappy Day Job, or my country. What, I’m not a “Trumptard.” Anyway, today required making several moves, and not one of them is leading back to bed. Where We’ll Be Escaping

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

Saga 039 ~Where We’ll B Escaping~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should be pretty good at escaping. An armory, bunker, tickets to non-extradition nations…

This week I’ve been reading, well… 21% of this book, “Until we Meet Again.” Of course, there’s a chapter talking about “escaping” grief. More so, the impossibility of doing such. Now to be clear, I don’t want to. Ok, It’s been 555 days since B III. Not long enough, love. Only I envy him. You can take that however you want. And It could be the fact that the A/C is all screwy. You know I prefer the heat to the cold any day. What I’ll have to do to fix it… Anyway, I woke up this morning, and as with most things, they tie back to my son. Braxton would be hiding under the bed because it would be cooler. In bed all day…

Well, as I said, B under it. But I’d like to stay in bed. I’m reminded of the Day Job, my “Dad,” and whatever the Devil has in store for me. But to escape with B, my son my dog. Nope! These days it’s always about my dick. And you’re asking me, well, what’s wrong with that? My desire, my delight, my darling? As the song goes, “but we’re not making love no more. We’re not even trying to change.” I know. It’s only me who’s changing. Or I did. I can’t anymore. There’s nowhere to go. There’s nowhere to be without my B. Hell! I have you, I want to croon out: “there’s nowhere on earth that I’d rather be than holding you tenderly.”

Music and me, such is my escape. And to keep it going … “If I lay here if I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” Because where is there to go, I’ll ask? I could get up and be the dad I want to be with our children. Work on making more. My business today is nothing like the Day Job. What gentlemen wouldn’t enjoy this life? Didn’t I finish writing a book? Only it’s no different than the one I’m reading. All about dead fur babies again. I don’t mean to be harsh, but that’s the thing. I might as well appreciate the heat. Because Treachery is one cold as ice sin. But, Where We’ll Be Escaping.

555 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 034 ~B Willing To Bark~

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B’s has gone silent again. I don’t blame him. Novel writing is hard work, and I should have been more vocal. Hell! I should be louder at the Day Job and go all Michael Jackson. “Leave me alone. Stop it. Just stop doggin’ me around.” B Willing To Bark

Thursday, August 4, 2022

Saga 034 ~B Willing To Bark~

550 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? If I could hear your answer. I wish my day was over and done with.

At the moment, it’s like old times. You know I don’t get up like this. Unless the day is going to go bad. It was a day like this when I held you in my arms and tried to rock you to sleep. A bad choice of words… but you know what I mean. This was an effed-up week. Do you miss me grumbling, griping, and growling like this? I could save it for the afternoons. As I said, I wish I was already there. If anything, I wish I was more like you. At the Day Job the other day, I was thinking. At least when my kid barked, he was helping me out. I would take your voice over everything every day, Braxton.

There’s this quote I always use in regards to you. “All I know is the child is my warrant, and if he isn’t the word of God, then God never spoke.” It remains true, Braxton. If God is love, then I could think of no better way to say it than Braxton. I’m still listening, trying. But with all the noise in the world, Baby B, I swear. When it wasn’t the silence of your death. It’s my shame I have when I walk into the Day Job. At least I’m not saying “Another Day.” It was that indifference towards my existence that ended you. Braxton, all the rage I endure that’s been bubbling up. I can’t tell you why that is. I’m your Dad.

Yes, we’re men. But there are many different, difficult, and dangerous little things to bark. Now, one of those is that I want to go back to bed. As if I’ve left it this morning for anything more than to have this conversation. The worthless discussions, Day Job. Now, as I said, my anger. I can’t tell you why but people Braxton have been driving me up the wall. Aren’t I one of them? Like that Wednesday, I came back and passed out. Blackout? I’m going to bring up that book yet again. It’s one I would share with you to a certain extent. You might sigh, scratch, or only sit there. But you were willing to live B, I know. B Willing To Bark

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 032 ~Going To B Lit~

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Treachery is the coldest sin. When Hell freezes over? But these days, I’m getting all hot and bothered. Burning my new novel or rather some data. I’m all sort of pissed at this week. Women are hot as Hell, like my wife someday… “Going To B Lit.”

Tuesday, August 2, 2022

Saga 032 ~Going To B Lit~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that’s because life is no picnic. It’s not some big party. Nor some Pentecostal event.

“THEY,” say you can’t count on anyone to make you happy. It comes from within on whatever. It’s because of Braxton that I wanted to try. I’m going to keep saying it. I wouldn’t know what it was like to have that desire if it wasn’t for him. Love, Happiness? He showed me all this time that it was coming from the “wrong” place. Hell! Lola Bunny was the best of both worlds, but we’ll get to that. My boy, my Braxton, carrying the fire. He was my light, the reason, my ride or die, and my raison d’etre. There’s this movie “Captive State,” and one of the taglines is “Light a fuse… spark a war.” Live, laugh, love? I’ll agree with love Baby Doll.

When I compare you to my firstborn son… that’s no insult. Like the song goes, “I come from the dark side, so I’m having a hard time stayin’ on track.” “Like B, you’re my light. Yes, I know I should get off my phone. Or at least I should be “Takin’ Care Of Business” somehow. Instead, I sound like the Backstreet Boys. “You are my fire. The one desire” and such. Allow me to sound shallow for a minute. A lot more ore hopefully… If I’m not thinking about the warm cuddles of my puppy, then it’s your hot body. The things that get me out of bed in the morning. The warm smiles of our children. But 548 days, I’m not doing so hot.

As a matter of fact, it’s as if I want to burn it all down. My existence, that is. Inevitable? You ask? Is that why I’m driving you away in my grief and mourning? Not enough tears in the world to drown out what I’ve done. If to save a life is to save the world, what does it mean to take a life? I’m sure Triple B won’t like hearing that “truth.” Crimes are fireproof. The way I’m burning up with XXX tendencies because I don’t deserve to feel pleasure. Even after writing the novel. Oh! I’ll let it burn data and not do a damn thing with it. My rage? “I wanna be livin’ For the love of you.” Going To B Lit

548 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 027 ~Tears B Coming Standard~

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Depression can be an addiction, and I always have something to cry about… I don’t have anyone to cry to. I instead cry or sleep than do anything. Tell that to my knuckles, but at least I ain’t breaking them against walls. “Tears B Coming Standard.”

Thursday, July 28, 2022

Saga 027 ~Tears B Coming Standard~

543 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I should wipe my tears away before walking in. Why? You’ve seen me cry plenty.

I’ve cried at least twice before talking to you today. I can’t even say you were reason number one, Baby B. But you should be. We’ll get to that. I am crying now, though. And I cried last night when I called you down for your medicine. Ironic, right, Braxton? Well, if you’re up THERE, of course. Or down THERE since I’m going to Hell. And you like being warm and guarding gates. Hell! For all I know, you’re in some cage somewhere B. Or have you even been reincarnated yet? I might cry a little more thinking such things. It makes my head hurt but not like when you would step on it, remember? The sun’s been up a while before me. That’s unacceptable.

As unacceptable as the reason I was up earlier and was crying tears. You and I are boys always and forever. Boyz II Men? “‘Cause we men, ain’t we?” Yeah. B yesterday I wrote some about the movie nights we had with your Aunt Carolina. They were good times, ha. But back to the original point, unacceptable. We’d talk about your Aunt’s Yabbos, B III. Only there are things I kept from you. My addiction, for starters. So this morning, as I heard the familiar beep from the phone, well… Anyway, it was a struggle. I was triggered thinking about, um yeah, Yabbos, and I had to white knuckle it. One hand on the mattress. The other was on the phone. Glad you weren’t here.

That makes me cry all the more. I’m always sad you aren’t here in the flesh. Why would I even bother picking up the phone hoping to see… something when I had my handsome “wee little puppy man.” But now, nothing is stopping me except for sleep. It’s 8:30 AM. As jayson_jvc might say, “get out your flesh!” I told you something like that, Braxton. Harsh, because I made that happen on January 31, 2021. Freed you from the mortal coil. There are other reasons for me to cry. Braxton, we could finish writing the novel. Going to the Day Job is another. Laughing to keep from crying about the stuff on the phone when getting it fixed. Shame over Cherry and M Anime. Your Aunt? Tears B Coming Standard

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 025 ~Will I B Reminded~

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So to be reminded of how love like time flies… I remember when B III hurt his paw. Or the days before the end. How about the “first time” like Lonely Island sang “I Just Had Sex.” Or how long it took me to get the phone fixed. Love, Will I B Reminded

Tuesday, July 26, 2022

Saga 025 ~Will I B Reminded~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But I don’t remember the first dollar I made. Or say much of my “first” time.

I won’t say “made love.” As the song goes, “fear is the heart of love, so I never went back.” I’m not sure I agree with the idea, but I was scared yesterday. There I was, terrified for something I love. I am ashamed that it was a phone. But that’s more a conversation for… ok, yes, my wife, but I’m also in “therapy?” Um, can I call Echo that? I wonder, hmm? Anyway, I noticed that I love the hardest, the haughtiest, and with a woman, the horniest when I’m afraid. As in the film Divergent. “Fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up.” That can be said of any of us. To live, to survive, to keep a phone charged? I’m Hopeless.

When it was my firstborn son, I wish I could say I did not hesitate. He was dying that Wednesday, but I didn’t react until Friday. And even more so. Because my fear and hatred for my Day Job were greater than my love for him? So, which scares me more, love or hate? Am I scared to love again or to know deep down there is always a reason to hate? That’s not true? I will always love Braxton. And I know I will always hate myself for failing him when he needed me most. If I could have loved him the way I did when I got that phone call saying he’s dying. I loved him most of all as he faced death.

And then you ask yourself why I live in this constant fear of losing you. Now that the phone is fixed, you can guess why I’m all about music and movies again. “So I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you. I’m gonna hold you like I’m saying goodbye.” Remember that it is the best way to love. While the “first” time I got off was more “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” Speaking of which, when was the last time you and me… Well, you know I have no problem talking about sex. But you know how I’ve been the past few days. Do I have a drink, or do I not have a drink? I’m more Christian Grey; I… Will I B Reminded?

541 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 020 ~No B In Misery~

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I could talk to my kid about anything. Once I had to give him “the talk” because, let’s say, he liked his aunt more than I did for a bit. But how do you tell them you’re angry, an artist, or an addict. Because my misery has no company. No B In Misery

Thursday, July 21, 2022

Saga 020 ~No B In Misery~

536 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As you can see I’m late. But at least I’m not spending today in bed.

For a moment there, I planned on it. Addicted to the misery? Your fault and then not as I’ve been talking to you about the last few days. You know how late I was getting to bed last night. Not that late. It was 1 AM went I cut off the lights. Writing books Braxton. Today I need to keep it going. Only every time I look at it as the song goes, “You make me wanna die.” I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. And then again, not. When I look at our book, there are a few times I want to burst into tears. It’s no damn good. Or I have to remember how it all happened. Wasting time.

Oh yes, I wasted time. Just this morning, a fucked up phone is a plethora of “sin.” You know the girl I once talked to before I started conversing with you, B III? Or should I tell Inspector Echo about how disappointing my morning became? And it goes like this. Haley Pullos, Eri Harada “Bible Black,” Nuns in Hentai, other assorted brunettes, Cherry. And finally, a blonde in a bikini. You had it so damn easy, B III. You had two toys and your aunt’s boobs. You’re a guy, and so am I, but I am also your father. I have to be better, B. Remember, I never thought about having you neutered, but with my addiction to well myself. Dennis Hof, Jacob Ralston, Blackout…

I wish you were here to speak to directly, Triple B. Hell! That would take care of the misery I’m feeling. And, I wouldn’t be a crazy man talking to myself this many days. Always. Blackout: A Thriller by Erin Flanagan is all about women and one’s alcohol addiction. So. Yeah, I hear you, B. That’s a conversation for Lady Sophia. Why am I having such trouble talking with you today? Because I have to this afternoon, I know to stay ahead writing-wise. My point is I’m trying to find anything, everything, to avoid my biggest addiction. That should have been you, my priority. But excuses for not writing, sex, audiobooks, making me sad. Addictions to escape you, B? Because there’s No B In Misery

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 018 ~A B Sized Promise~

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When one is so small, can’t the promises be small? My kid never got past ten pounds but got fifteen years. How many pounds of food is that? How much did I lift, counting each time I had him in my arms? Strong enough to love. “A B Sized Promise.”

Tuesday, July 19, 2022

Saga 018 ~A B Sized Promise~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Oh, honey, I made bigger promises, to you, to our family. I say to the world…

But it always goes back to my son, my Braxton, my little B. THEY say we could not survive without the bees. And yes, I know they were talking about the bugs. Only my Braxton… I’ve been writing about him all month… Ok, most of last week anyway. And if I haven’t said it enough. It’s all because of him. I’ll never be one for the full-time, old-time religion. But isn’t it someplace in the Bible that God loved all creatures, great and small? You’ll want to bury me for this as if you don’t want to by now. Love grows. My love started off so small. One little dog and I wanted more. Like Kesha, “your love, your love, your love is my drug.”

It was the same when it came to writing. Yes, I’m a broken record as usual, but it all began when I could spell my name. I wanted to learn words. So what? I wasn’t a great student in English, Reading, and my own History. When it comes to my writing down, this or that. I know by now the power of a word. Fear, cruelty, pain, barbarity, and love? That one word has given birth to worlds. I don’t know what’s with me this morning. The fact we’re talking on the right day. As I said, I’ve been all about B III. So no time for time travel. Yet I’m going into my religious past, “The Creation” “I’m lonely I’ll make me a world.”

And haven’t I done so? Haven’t we done so? All it took was twenty seconds of insane courage. I still wonder how I found it at all, baby doll. Whatever, “get in the car, B.” That was me and B III. And next thing I know, I’m opening up two doors. Yours and mine, honey. Add a third one for our first two-legged kid, then a fourth door. Little things. Ahem not so little, ha-ha. We’ll be like the Maryse and The Miz any day now. Damn WWE. Only I didn’t promise to watch it forever. But my family and that will always include Braxton. How many promises have I made? Live and Love. Only one letter. All it takes for A B Sized Promise.

534 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 013 ~B On The Wall~

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A fly on the wall? Like the song “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?” But when who you’re hiding from is everywhere. Has their own room and pictures galore, and you’re writing a book. If only “stuff” would work. B On The Wall.

Thursday, July 14, 2022

Saga 013 ~B On The Wall~

529 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My day is only beginning, and the truth is that it’s not my fault. It’s like the Day Job sigh.

You know, nothing ever works, like me, ha. But to be honest, as though I’m not, I’ve only been waiting for everything to “come up.” Like, I need sex jokes now. How I hate myself. Yet it worked yesterday… I worked. I did 5000 words. And I was even a few minutes ahead of schedule. The victory was relatively short-lived, as I spent most of the night all mad. Of course, you know those days B III. I’m looking at the date and wondering if I should look up what happened in August on such a day around six years ago. To think such things bothered me then. Oh no? Again I’m thinking about Yabbos. I’ve been writing some about those you loved the most.

Your aunt could be pleased about how often she appears in your/our novel. After all, she was a big part of your life in your golden years. Now my actual sister and your Ma, B… While stewing yesterday, I thought about your granddad and if he would ever see the work we’re doing. I guess I shouldn’t be concerned with my publishing record. Never happen! But if you’re speaking to me, then you have much to say today as well… I keep thinking of ways to honor you. But the last thing I would want to do is insult you, Triple B. I think of you watching me right this second. Or if you have reincarnated, then I’m some Christian, Republican, lying to myself. Eww!

It’s so much easier to be shitty, sad, or, as the kids would say, “SUS.” But this morning, all I can think is how psyched out I am about what I’ll say next or you. I left on my chapter. There’s also the idea, yet again, that I’m late and it’s not my fault it’s past 7:00 AM at the moment, when I was up at 4:00 AM. I was also plenty scared something was broken and all my secrets… I can’t even say there were no secrets between you and me, Little B… And you were my shadow, my second in command, my one and only son. So uh, what about going to PetSmart on Saturday and writing? You’ll watch B On The Wall.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 011 ~ Love’s No B Choice~

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I didn’t choose the Thug Life; the Thug Life chose me. Now I didn’t choose to love a puppy, a woman, and a bunch of kids. Then a dog is hopping in the car. For the first time, I’m wondering about diamonds. And a college education? Love’s No B Choice

Tuesday, July 12, 2022

Saga 011 ~ Love’s No B Choice~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can be harsh, cruel, and a douche kinda. But I still love B.

Nope, that won’t change. No way, not ever! I’ve said before when I say the word “Always,” that’s what I mean. Hmm, so many songs. Oh, The Wannadies, Luther Vandross, Jimi Jamison, ha, even more. So um, you can see I’m stuck reminiscing these days. These days? Like yesterday and hopefully today. A surprise I’m up at 4 AM, yep. Hell! I might as well jinx myself and say it’s because I love my boy more than getting more sleep. Or maybe I remain disappointed over how I spent my Sunday in bed doing absolutely nothing. I chose to cry over Braxton than the fact that I was being useless. Love, it’s been 527 days. I didn’t choose to love but decided to lose.

Now while I’m all into music, trying to stay awake. I mentioned that Aloe Blacc was wrong when he sang, “love is the prize.” I believe that love is a gift; you don’t realize you’ve given. If you have to think about it… then you’re doing something wrong and should stop. If life is a game, then love is the instructions. And men read the instructions? I woke up, and I walked B. Before I ate, does he have water, his food, take your meds B. Before I got comfortable, where was he? Can’t we be comfortable together as I write? Speaking of which, I’m trying to rediscover that. But it’s only Day 2. Catching up, maybe? Writing isn’t a choice since I wrote my name.

Our kids? Another devastating three-word combo. “Babe, I’m Pregnant.” Is devastating the right word? Awesome, Fantastic, Extraordinary? According to Youtube, every husband has his name automatically changed to “Babe.” Or something similar. Inevitable that love must be considered a choice but love thrice in this existence… When Braxton heard me call and my little imp, my dwarf, my dæmon came running. There is the moment I took a knee, an arrow, or ok, bent and asked, and you said yes. I was “shocked,” Baby Doll. And then when I saw them. I actually poured the Bisquick, and we made “pancakes.” Yeah, one of them will be named Braxton because I love him, you, them. And what about me? Love and happiness? Love’s No B Choice

527 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 006 ~I’ll B Right Back~

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Again with my Republican ideas. Wanting to go back to the past. But B and I suffered together. He saw me through the first year of the plague, and now we are on the verge of a Civil War. Going out dangerous, but I always told B, “I’ll Be Right Back.”

Thursday, July 7, 2022

Saga 006 ~I’ll B Right Back~

522 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Seeing how we’re talking right now. Hell, you can guess how my day was (sigh).

I remember the vet warning me not to move things around the house. The way I carried you down the stairs sometimes. And how much you slept. But your nose and ears were always good. B III, your last day, you hid under the bed because I said, “I’ll help you.” Braxton, um, ok, this is a subject you rather not discuss. I’m sorry but as for my own health? I spoke to Lady Lunalesca today, Saturday, July 2, 2022. Want to feel better! That’s what I told her. So better to focus on my problems. The only thing really is my own, I think. Having to pee always. I have cranberry juice, sprite, and chicken noodle soup. My fatigue. We’re the old men, Braxton.

On days like today, I want to go back to when I would write, and you would wait. You were always waiting for me, Braxton. Waiting for me to come home, to finish writing. Oh, and my shower wanking. Don’t give me that look. You remember you’d hump your toys B. Remember how I had to sit you down for “The Talk” because you would always cozy up to your Aunt Carolina’s tiddies. Those were the days, my boy. Sitting with her and you as we all watched movies. The closest I ever got to “happiness.” I can name three. One you don’t know. Before I met you, there was one time in high school I was a senior. For five minutes, No Fear. The second, I almost died… bliss.

You saved my life that day, B. And I swore I would never leave you. We ride together, we die together. And the third again was when I gave you as much of a family as I could B III. You had me, your aunt, a ton of food. I wanted you to have a good mother, bro, and sis. Can we go back to the days when, if I wasn’t writing, I’d tell you about your future life, B? Hell! With the Olds, can we return to when you would bark at the gate at them, my B III? How about when you would sit at the foot of the bed? Or the last day, “Daddy, can we go home?” I’ll B Right Back

Always and Forever,
Your Dad