Saga 242 ~To B Healthy Virgil~

Black History. I’m a black man, and “This Is America.” Thinking I can make a change. A family of my own? I don’t know my nephews. Or two half-brothers. And I was the best man I could be for Braxton. But some doggie or woman… To B Healthy Virgil.

Tuesday, February 28, 2023

Saga 242 ~To B Healthy Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Which means annual checkups, insurance, and staying the fuck out of Florida. But then again, Disney.

I may not have a healthy relationship with my Olds. But tradition. I want to take our kids to Disney World, Universal… Uh, what else is there again? I don’t want to think about it. Isn’t that the thing, love? I always told myself there would be time for Braxton. Living for my son; when he was the one living for me. Because what have I done for 758 Days? Existing. And yes, this is something I should be sharing with a therapist. Doggie, Wife? I should dig my hole a bit deeper. If I dare compare you, the love of my life, with Braxton. Love, my love. If it wasn’t for my firstborn, I don’t know if I could ever say I know love.

Because I didn’t go to the doctor yesterday for me. I still wake up every day not wanting to. I close my eyes with dreams to never open them again. Something else to discuss, right? Instead, I told the Doc what was going on. And she said that no, that’s not it. My sore ass. They shot me up with some antibiotics. And I got a prescription for the drugs I took after The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. A week’s worth for The Cherry Collision. I’m upset about that. What! That I got a week’s supply. Or the fact that I cared to get well. Being a husband, a father, and having the freeloader to feed. I swear I’ll stop calling Virgil Vivi that at some point. But today, love…

It’s not killing him. Been there and done that with Braxton. As for myself. Breathing. Yesterday the Doc said I need to drink more water, and I’m trying to keep it up for the week. Until I run through my course of meds anyway. B wouldn’t want this, I know. People in Hell want ice water but isn’t the Ninth Circle all ice? Treachery, Betrayal? Braxton, again, he kept me alive so that I could find you. So that I could give the love I should have been giving him to you, our family, even saving little V. But indifference? It’s what killed Braxton, and I could understand it killing me as well, for sure. It’s what I deserve. Existing living? To B Healthy Virgil

758 Days Without B III, Day 199 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 236 ~B In Business Virgil~

Well, ain’t nobody going to be calling me Cupid anytime soon. And as the song goes, “I ain’t much on Casanova. Me and Romeo ain’t never been friends.” But my son was/is my business. This house. But as far as existing? “B In Business Virgil”

Wednesday, February 22, 2023

Saga 236 ~B In Business Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I won’t be for long if I don’t mind my business. I’m good at that.

So I like to think. Do you know what else I like to think? Everyone can do whatever they want. As long as they don’t hurt other people. But minding my business killed my son. Braxton was/is my business, but “Oh no, Oh no, Oh no, no, no, no, no.” Late to the party, Inspector? And not the reason I am humiliated now. I didn’t even keep Virgil out today. Of course, the fact that I failed Braxton will always and forever be my greatest shame. The Day Job was humiliating enough because when is it not? Ignoring Virgil’s existence, losing money stinking up my granddaddy’s funeral. Bumping my head at Walmart. I remember watching a “specific” porno with Braxton’s Aunt. I can go on.

But the point is that I don’t make sound business decisions. Hell! College dropout… yep. Now part of that was because I was “in love?” Not! If you want to talk about love, call B. Right… Anyway, comedy comes in threes, and so do my decisions. Fear, fucking, and fury. Today let’s focus on the first two fear and fucking. Should I add friendship, Inspector? I’ve done good things concerning friends. With A Little Help From My Friends. Honestly, Inspector, most of my decisions come from wanting to fuck, like, all the time. Today I was reminded of this woman at Walmart. Pretty, blonde, Street Blowjobs waiting to happen. Only she needed money, and I gave her $5.00. For a lot more… who knows, hehe.

Do you recall MILF Tres? I got her to take her clothes off for $300 ha. Movies and pictures. Where the fuck was OnlyFans when I needed it then? Full sex tapes for $20-$50. Wow! And I don’t talk to MILF Tres anymore. Or Special K. And my other friends? I keep my mouth shut. I’m such a dick about tits. So where was that confidence today, I ask you? The Termite guy was here. That means I have a humiliating text to send to my old man. Virgil senses my anxiety. So the dude looks under the house and finds a bow. M Anime would have a ball. The promising archer that she is. Anyway, this “nice” bow. Inspector, I haven’t seen it ever.

“Oh I get by with a little help from my friends

… Gets high with a little help
From his friends

Oh I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends” With A Little Help From My Friends, Beatles

He likes it, and he wants it. Yes, it’s under the house… (my Olds house, they pay for it, yep). So me, the would-be businessman, what do I do? Do I charge him for it? Keep it, hmm? Again M Anime could teach me… when I’m not trying to talk her out of her clothes. What did I say about shutting up? That’s what I did today. I shut the fuck up, Inspector. He charged me for the inspection and got a weapon that’s been here forever, Inspector. Why? FEAR. As I can’t seem to take charge of this existence. Bills, payments, freeloader. I’m trying to be nice to Virgil Vivi. I couldn’t talk Braxton into staying alive, Inspector. Existing. Living. B In Business Virgil

752 Days Without B III, Day 193 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 235 ~Not A B-Movie Virgil~

Not my best work, but Will Smith has had moments like that… I wish I could say I spent all day watching Collateral Beauty. Or something more educational like The 1619 Project. But what I’ve been watching and doing so late. “Not A B-Movie Virgil”

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

Saga 235 ~Not A B-Movie Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and Will Smith isn’t… 350 Million and other things on the internet wasting my time today.

Death. Or rather looking it up, which begins with life. This means Braxton Barks Bradford. Don’t worry; I’m not suicidal… okay, that’s a lie; I usually am. But as Morgan Freeman spoke in Lean On Me, I’m not one to do things “Expeditiously.” Or, as the Beatles sang, “living is easy with eyes closed.” For me, that would mean sleeping. Practice for the big sleep, my love. And didn’t I want to talk about Collateral Beauty tonight? Will Smith and the like. If anything, I have been focusing on reasons for existing all day today. Any and all to Endure and Survive. Hell! The Last of Us is the only thing I’ve been watching, love. More death? I haven’t been to the doctor, have I?

Love? I can’t say I have ever loved myself. Here comes another movie reference. From Ben-Hur, “we keep you alive to serve this ship. Row well, and live.” I continue to exist because there is always someone that needs me… That’s not healthy, is it? But as I was telling M Anime. If love is not needed and can be tossed. Then it wasn’t love at all. I think. I couldn’t ask Braxton to stay, but I couldn’t save him either. Then marriage and family. Can I ask you to stay? Can I save you? All you need is love. But what’s left of me? Every day it’s like I’m watching the most horrible movie ever. It’s not Collateral Beauty. It’s “Welcome to My Life”

Time to look up songs and all this other stuff. Do you see what time it is? 7:30 PM. Fuck! Speaking of which. I’ve had time to look up all the porn in the universe because I don’t deserve anything real. What I wouldn’t give to sit on the loveseat with B and his aunt. Yes, love, we can do that too. Plus, there’s the bonus of the fact that I’m trying to make love. That would be time well spent, don’t you think? But the things that take my time nowadays. How I have the termite guy coming over at some point? I do need the house to hide in; well, we do. Talking about Love, Death, Time, Collateral Beauty. Not A B-Movie Virgil.

751 Days Without B III, Day 192 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 228 ~2V Minus B III~

Not all lovey-dovey, but my first love… no ifs, ands, or buts. B III, without question. A life that I love as it won’t be mine own. And yet I continue to imagine it. Triple B was supposed to be a part of it but the years. I hate Math. 2V Minus B III.

Tuesday, February 14, 2023

Saga 228 ~2V Minus B III~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I still want more. Don’t get me wrong. I hate Math now, like in school.

Hell! There was a week at the old Day Job where I made “around” $26.00. And having a billion now? I don’t know if either would have been enough to save my true love. Yes, I know it’s Valentine’s Day, but if I didn’t love you the other 364 days of the year, as always. Yes, I talk about my son B every day of the year. Well, make that two since B III died. Three considering he died thirteen days short of his sixteenth birthday. He’d be eighteen now. And I haven’t thought of chocolate, chrysanthemums, or cute jewelry, either, my love. There is a fantasy I have of fucking you wearing nothing but a crucifix or The Heart of The Ocean from Titanic.

Of course, making love to you, sex, or fucking, makes me the typical guy? Being your lover, your husband, your best friend… And, of course, we’re back to Braxton Barks… Eww! Am I right? I never understood how people were into that sort of pornography. Anyway, I know I must protect Braxton when I think of any chocolate. Yeah, poisonous. Chrysanthemums, Roses, and all kinds of flowers only make me think of Braxton in the yard. And as far as jewelry? Why haven’t I bought something to honor Braxton? Silver, Gold? How about today, being for diamonds? I love you. I’m trying not to burst into song but no promises. Only what did I promise you? I vowed, I swore. Till death? And without Braxton…

I didn’t mention hearts. And mine’s been broken going on 744 days. Losing my one. Honestly, I’m afraid that could cost me everything, and I don’t want it to, my love. I’m trying. But there’s a fur baby alone in Braxton’s room. The distance between you and me continues to grow. Fuck! You have no idea how hard that was. Four good songs, my love. If I can keep that promise, why can’t I add back what I lost? All the money in the world. Happy Valentine’s Day! I can give you a day. Then your birthday, anniversary, our kids. This is just one more day I’ve screwed up. Another negative. Three little words. I love you. But always and forever. 2V Minus B III

744 Days Without B III, Day 185 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 221 ~Y B V Gushes~

Gushing, oozing, leaking… not that. I mean talking to B III and a little to his aunt. Hell! She didn’t call the cops. But it’s like I might explode or more like overflow. Drown in tears last week; fake happiness next week. B’s B-Day. “Y B V Gushes”

Tuesday, February 7, 2023

Saga 221 ~Y B V Gushes~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now; how much is an apology nowadays? I should be gushing, oozing, and leaking apologies. Too sexual?

And after everything that went down last week. My mood stunk, but at least I don’t anymore. Um, don’t count your chickens? Only the “clinical” deodorant seems to be working. And at least I’m not spending cash on OnlyFans and such. Or other porn, right? If anything, I need to be spending money on the dogs… I will never not count B III in this. This is sort of a balancing week. Last week was when Braxton left the world. Next week will be when he comes into it. Or at least that’s what I have decided. February 13, always. I never believed I’d find love. No Valentine’s Day for me. The 13th… close enough. Somehow I found you. But to wrap up, “I’m Sorry?”

I wish those words could come rushing out of my mouth. Truthful? No. Worthy? Uh-uh. I do mean me, not you. Another reason we aren’t making the bedsprings sing… Seriously, “What’s My Age Again?” But I’m not bursting into song, either. Too busy “B.” A lie. Again I wish I could be all about Braxton this week. It Should have been last week, too, ha. But only one thing might burst soon because either way you look at it, I’m looking at the good ole days. Oh, and what do I call this? My family, my love, our children. Love. Everything is about love or, rather, sex. Should I start spouting out my philosophy too? This week isn’t about that. Losing love and having love.

Last week to the week after this. I didn’t want to talk to you. And I’m not sure B hears. But the moaning and groaning that comes out of me as I take “pornographic passions.” Maitland Ward? Still sort of does it for me sometimes, but I haven’t been looking at her… yeah. Still upset? Anyway, you and Braxton are kind of like my Topanga and Shawn. “How great is this? My favorite person in the world. And my wife.” From Girl Meets World remember. Sometimes I might want to ask myself; is that why I’ve been watching all this cheating, family breaking up, Hentai. I can’t talk about that to you, B, and definitely not V. It’s like I’m overflowing with, I don’t know what. Y B V Gushes

737 Days Without B III, Day 178 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 207 ~ Virgil’s Holiday From B~

E-Day. That’s the second worse day of existence. Um, Thanksgiving. But nowhere near as big when Braxton was here. And possibly New Year’s. But next week this day is a holiday. A memorial. Only I’m not alone, but I want to be. Virgil’s Holiday From B.

Tuesday, January 24, 2023

Saga 207 ~ Virgil’s Holiday From B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But as the song goes, “money can’t buy me love.” Free me from Hate? Horniness? Happiness?

Um, it got my B a trip to Heaven or wherever. It’s this time next week I’ll Hate the most. A permanent vacation. A holiday away from me. And I’m sure you can relate, love. Reason number whatever we’re talking about today, Monday, January 23, 2023. It feels like I’m working the old Day Job all over again. Tomorrow I rather not be bothered. Next week? I don’t hate my family, ever. It’s not Virgil either though he’s becoming a brat. As I said so many times, it’s not veterinarians, old age, or even the disease that took my boy. “I choose me, and I know that’s selfish love.” Yes, more music. You know, I still need to pick a song on Spotify. Twenty-Four days.

But there are some things you can’t get away from, you know. Another song, love? Fucking Enrique Iglesias “You can run, you can hide, but you can’t escape my love.” Loving someone never takes a holiday but liking them… Whatever and I going to do with Virgil? I’m ashamed that this time has crept up on me and when next week rolls around, love… When was the last time I cried for Braxton? These might be my first tears for today. Come the 31st; I want to eat barbeque and watch dog movies. Even Spontaneous, sadly. Hell! I did read “A Dog’s Journey.” So I could watch the film now. (Cringes). Uncomfortably? I remember the book, that was all kinds of… Who cares; Braxton’s dead.

Always the worse pain imaginable. There’s no escape, and no, I can’t give it a rest. But I know you would never say that. And crazy? Well, knowing V ain’t B. I’ve been reading up on animal communicators. I could try and find one and see what happens. I could see where Virgil stands vet-wise. When I went to Braxton’s Aunt’s wedding, I boarded B III for a few days. It couldn’t hurt to send Virgil away for two days to honor my son. Would that be honoring Braxton? And what about our family? I’m not going out for smokes. The 31st of all days. When I’ll be the most alone. I want to be. Anywhere but being loved and happy. Virgil’s Holiday From B

723 Days Without B III, Day 164 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 200 ~Forms of Virgil, B’s…~

It’s enough to make me hate writing? If it wasn’t signing my name on unpublished books, bills I have to pay, and the memories I created. It’s what Triple B is; a memory… So it’s B’s name, I won’t forget. Only those forms for 2V? Forms of Virgil, B’s…

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Saga 200 ~Forms of Virgil, B’s…~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can cheat on our taxes every which way, right? And the termite guy?

There is also running a business, even if it’s mine always. Beats the fucking Day Job. There’s my writing which I must love (obviously). But it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. There’s being a Dad too. Report cards, field trips. The responsibility for our kids’ actions. But always, there will be Braxton. He’s the one that I saw first, loved first. Yeah, I’m not ashamed to write down that I’m a fan of “FLCL.” I’ve been all about anime these days. I’m trying not to think about the last thing I signed for Triple B. Better to have XXX, huh? Because being an adult sucks even with all these blessings. I’m able to afford repairs, inspections, and appointments. Did I have to say that? I’ll never forget Braxton’s last one…

Every day is another step closer to what will be two years, Sunday, January 31, 2021. The doc lucked out. As I’ve said before, not once have I blamed them. No reason. It’s my fault. Wednesday, February 10, 2021… I don’t remember if I signed anything; I think I did. That’s the day I picked up Little Braxton for the last time. Fearing reincarnation, Tupac… Why must I torture myself with this fact? But Saturday, August 13, 2022, there’s Virgil. He’s not Braxton. Every day I believe that more and more, and who knows when it will be set in stone. When I will write it down in all its finality. A form of catharsis, confession, a condition of my surrender to the truth, love.

B is gone. A ghost, a memory, or a Cuddle Clone. Don’t I still need to see the tax guy? Well, we do, right? Let the heart speak, but we had to sign paperwork too. And I never intend to erase it or sign something to the contrary. The Band Perry’s “Better Dig Two.” Hell! You won’t be signing any papers for me yet. I have a son to remember, a wife to love, and a world to put in its place. Big talk for someone cringing at every bill despite being in our position. Lovers, parents, family but payment forms, cash, check, credit? Lover, husband, daddy. Easy signing at the bottom and ignoring the bottom line at rock bottom. Remember, Forms of Virgil, B’s…

716 Days Without B III, Day 157 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 193 ~Calendars B Tripping Virgil~

Sometimes in January… this will be the second one. Not on the 10th, but on the 31st. There are so many dates I rather not remember. I can’t tell you when I found love but when I lost it. Yet the days keep falling off Calendars, B Tripping Virgil

Tuesday, January 10, 2023

Saga 193 ~Calendars B Tripping Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I won’t ever invest in Swanson; thanks, Tuckems. I’m more for Boston Market. Marie Callender’s?

My love, money didn’t change me. I mean, sure, as Forrest Gump said, “That’s good. One less thing.” I’ll be one for hoodies and jeans always and forever. Not that serious, but when I got new glasses, I wanted the same frame and, barring that, more Triple B’s color. When it comes to women, well, not to go all Alanis Morissette but AHEM “You, you, you oughta know. Hell! You know I love you, but when it comes to people, “I am an equal opportunity misanthropist,” as Andrew Davidson put it. Only with women, well… there was than Asian fetish I had. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, strawberry blondes, black hair. Look at the date; Wednesday is a year since The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. Um, feelings…

And speaking of fantasies, Victorian Maid Maria no Houshi. And Katainaka ni Totsui de Kita-Russia Musume to H Shimakuru Ohanashi. I wish I could remember when I got into Hentai and cosplay. One of many dates I can’t recall. But there are three events this month. I’ve told you about one which was a little fucked up. With you and a therapist. I can afford therapy now. Oh, I have no delusions of myself being mentally healthy. I’m sure you can agree. Anyway, the first, of course, was New Year’s Day. God help me; I’m trying to keep at least one resolution. How many have I made for you, our kids, and the businesses I run? I know; I made one; keep Virgil Vivi alive.

Only this morning, as with every day, my first thought was of Braxton Barks Bradford. Did I say that out loud? If I wanted to be in the dog house… Well, it’s January. Where else would I be than with my boy this second year? I didn’t even take a nap when I got back. Love, there is so much to do. I’m not holding out much hope. Because, again, you can see all the distractions. I don’t want to think about it. And yet buying books, bullion, and biscuits. Though I haven’t set another one in B III’s memory. And what about us, love? You’re not something only placed calendar-wise. But, as long as I’m breathin’, Braxton will be “31st.” Calendars B Tripping Virgil.

709 Days Without B III, Day 150 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 313 ~B There, B Square~

What was I saying about “adult entertainment” at some point? Porn and sex are not the same things. And wanting to be a Dad doesn’t mean I’m into “breeding.” Yeah, it’s about time I get out of this bed, and what? Celebrate? B There, B Square

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

Chronicle 313 ~B There, B Square~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I can’t imagine being anywhere at the moment. One bed to another and then another.

Not the kind of thing you expect to hear from a husband. But you know I’m anything but typical, considering the businesses I’m running and the life I lead. Yet I choose to be here. Yes, it’s time to get out of bed. The old Day Job and my new career have something in common. Am I ashamed? One made me, as the song goes, “You make me wanna die.” Career-wise, the other is all about bedrooms, and I’m trying not to enjoy it every day. What does that mean for us? We’ll get to that, but yeah, you know why my love. It’s why I pay particular attention to a corner of the bed. Why an empty dog bed remains, a pillow, the loveseat…?

Sometimes I’m surprised you haven’t put me in the doghouse. For all my shortcomings as a husband… um, Will Smith put it like this. “If I’m being the best lover and friend. Am I being the best daddy I can? I pray I am.” Is it wrong to thank B III for all his lessons? Looking at our children now, my love. And how I read to them before bed. Wanting to sit with them, at the slightest sneeze or tummy ache. Oh, when they were babies… I’ll admit that cleaning up after Braxton was easier. Every parent talks about losing their Saturdays. Baby Girl, that started when I had to check out PetSmart every week looking for… There’s still that empty bed sitting there.

Will that be a moment of celebration or a day of betrayal? Grieving overtaking loving. Neither has a time limit. And both can be done from the comfort of this bed we share. I can stay here and cry all day, and when you’re here with me, well? You do have some things over Braxton. I could weep, read, feed, etc. But when it’s just the two of us, love? Breed? Yeah, that’s crude of me in a way. But my business is in adult entertainment. Inevitable. Only it’s a damn celebration when I can even get through the day anymore. I’m trying, and I want to say it’s time, like with books. Baby, “Just call my name, I’ll be there.” B There, B Square.

464 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 306 ~To B Beautiful Again~

There’s always something new to see regarding “adult entertainment.” I’ve never been one saying I’ve seen everything. But if I had known that the first time I saw my son, well, that’s it? Now it’s hard seeing through tears. To B Beautiful Again.

Tuesday, May 3, 2022

Chronicle 306 ~To B Beautiful Again~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. I wonder whether that could give me 20/20 vision again. Like masks, I rather like glasses.

I like compliments too. But as the song goes, “Ooh, it makes me wonder” what you want about my body, brains, and bravery. I picture you like Sia/Superbia looking at “businessman” Jacob. Have I finished the Succubus Lord (audio) series by now? Baby Doll, I was so quick to get my ears checked. You’re asking yourself if there is something wrong with my eyes besides the glasses. Knowing me,… quite the shallow bastard. “Doesn’t matter what you do. You’ll still be beautiful.” Oh, from the 1996 film “Twister,” ha. You’ll always be beautiful. And I hate that I’m saying this, but it’s not you; it’s me.” All the tears I cry. The sweat on my brow.” Hell, when I get weak and instead of us…

Yeah, I don’t blame you for asking, “us?” Do I mean “You And Me” or Braxton and me? As I said before, all this water in my eyes. At least Monday last week, my eyes were shut when they were pounding into my head. I swear I’m listening for you as much as Braxton. Considering we’re having this conversation on Friday, April 29, 2022. The screen, the screen, Baby Girl. Or, again, seeing white walls in a doctor’s office. I am looking so hard. Okay, I need to stop with the jokes, but would you have me crying again? It’s as if I’m trying to peer into Heaven itself and find Triple B. Perhaps find my way into a straitjacket. But there’s so much beauty.

You have to understand that despite everything I thought I had seen and all that I felt in existence. At the time, Braxton blew it all out of the water and then some. Seeing, Loving. And to this day, I imagine I’ll go deal with the fucking Rebeccas. Braxton Reincarnated. I remember the first time I saw you and I turned all “Life Itself” That has to mean a lot. Being in the room when you had our “firstborn.” A fight for another time. Inevitable. The way I’m going to feel when some young “Thundercat” tries dating our little girl. There will be beautiful moments in life, I want to say. After enough tears, Babe, everything will be, once again, love. To B Beautiful Again

“I’m waiting for the right moment cause when I ask you out, there’s not gonna be any turning back for me. I’m not gonna date anybody else for the rest of my life. I’m not gonna love anybody else for the rest of my life. I’m not gonna really care about anything else for the rest of my life.” Will to Abby “Life Itself” (2018)

457 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will