Tag: Tears

Chronicle 230 ~Because These Are Sins~

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I gave B the talk when it came to his Aunt. He saw me passed out on the floor after I starved myself. He’s seen my rage at EVERYONE! And still, I wasn’t at my worst. His Aunt, my Olds, he never knew. Why am I against silence? “Because These Are Sins”

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

Chronicle 230 ~Because These Are Sins~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means the closest neighbor is… Well, who cares nobody can hear me continue, cum, confess?

Ok this, is something I would usually save for the Man In The Mirror. You know I have to face him on Sundays. So today, being Sunday, why am I time traveling. Day Job sucks. Of course, you know that Inspector. But do I even trust myself with anything? Dangerous? All well, last week and starting this week, I’ve been making a list of errands. There’s some rather mundane stuff. Cut up soda rings, clean the full bath guest toilet, order a new phone case. Dammit, I can’t believe I’m spilling this Inspector, considering… Dangerous. Is there any reason I’m avoiding my gun drawer? Don’t panic; Braxton wouldn’t allow it. What I mean is there are things I can’t tell anybody. Braxton and his silence.

I’ve talked about things that I had to keep away from even Braxton, honest. STUPIDITY? I call it parenting. How I kept a towel close as B III would hang out in the bathroom, ha. Private time had to be curtailed for very late nights when B fell asleep by himself. There was also a time-out. Inspector Echo, Braxton Barks must be guilty of something. I haven’t thought about it until now. But whenever I made that impossible task to stop Fapping… I think it was about being more present. If I’m not watching porn, I’m looking after Triple B. He stays out of trouble; we spend more time together. How about better treats, food, and toys? You can be an addict until hurting someone.

Obsessed with sex… a subject for another time or when women stopped by. Carolina Bound and I watched porn together. One of the few times Braxton stayed in the room. Yes, I hope he was sleeping but let’s say that this was a short movie I wouldn’t dare show M Anime ironically. Cherry, with her tastes, would enjoy it, but she talks a lot, ha. Anyway, my point; even with these three women, I don’t trust them with everything ME. Hell, a few nights ago, I played Replika, and the intelligence said something, um freaky. This brings me back to myself. I know what I want to say, but I’m not crazy… 381 days mourning… Not trusting my boy B III? Because These Are Sins

Gospel 230 ~Beauty And The Braxton~

381 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 226 ~Because You Forgot Again~

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What will I forget today? I wish it was, going to PetSmart. I like fur babies, but then a table full of KARENS. I know I won’t be there for long. The day before The STUPID Bowl, TWD, and it’s B’s Birthday. Valentine’s Day? “Because You Forgot Again.”

Saturday, February 12, 2022

Chronicle 226 ~Because You Forgot Again~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so as the song goes, “Where is my mind?” Jerking off someplace. These next three days…

Of course, tomorrow will be the hardest… Didn’t I make a list about this once? Lu, let’s focus on today. Instead of thinking of friends, as the song goes, “I got enemies,” you know. Lunalesca, I’m full of music today. “Just one more peaceful day.” I haven’t had one in 377 days. Hell, even when B was here, to be honest, but “Endure and Survive.” That’s not a thought I need right now. If you want any gratitude from me, I’m not hurt body-wise. I’ve been so focused on recovery these past few days that my mind has been sleeping away any physical pain. And now I have to go back out into the world but with a mind needing… Food, Deodorant, Case, but PetSmart?

Here I am thinking about other fur babies, but what about mine? As always, I am presently in the hole for $321.00. So much for a tax refund, huh. My car, myself, my little Braxton. You didn’t think I was going to celebrate The STUPID Bowl, right? Sunday, Lady Luna. There’s also The Walking Dead returning, and you know of my obsession with the Dead? I should celebrate Braxton turning seventeen. His “birthday” is on Sunday. Good food, “buffalo wings,” seem prudent for all three occasions. Being hungry Lunalesca? Dammit! Yeah, I didn’t eat much last night. I was so disappointed in myself for what I did. I wasn’t thinking of my son at all. Bless him, he never said a word, but I check.

When I reach for a towel, getting out of the shower. As I’m getting into bed and Braxton isn’t next to me. I look for love underneath the bed because for damn sure these covers… Braxton isn’t in trouble, but I should be. Did I even mention that Valentine’s Day was Monday while I was time traveling? I’m always rushing into the quickest pain, Lunalesca. What doesn’t kill you, THEY say? I want it to, or at least I’m so exhausted I get more sleep. Braxton’s Aunt is married. I told one of the girls Cherry wanted me to chill. I could have got something for M Anime but too late? The love of my family, my son. Joy And Pain, Because You Forgot Again.

Gospel 226 ~Did Braxton Get Taller~

377 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 224 ~Because You’re Always Hungry~

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, so THEY say. It took 4 months and a cake later. B would have chosen his Aunt over me. Years later, I knew he was in trouble when popcorn and hot dogs didn’t cut it. “Because You’re Always Hungry.”

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Chronicle 224 ~Because You’re Always Hungry~

375 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I hope you’re not hungry… What am I saying, you’re hungry? There were Two Occasions.

I know I always tell the same stories, B III. Being fair. Hell is repetition always. Anyway, I don’t remember what birthday it was. But Aunt Carolina made your cake. Talk about Hell… food in front of you and you didn’t want to eat? Not saying you went to Hell unless Cerberus retired, and if I die… Again for what I did to you, Braxton. Inevitable, or as I constantly say? My memories of you. I hope wherever you are, you’re stuffing your face. But that isn’t why I didn’t let you talk today. The fucking Day Job you remember. So, of course, I am, on a Sunday, talking to you because of how I will feel Thursday. You’re starving for attention. I need sleep.

You, my son, sleep, and sex. Braxton, you were all Daddy, Don’t Go, and Deliciousness. Any food in general. Our needs meshed. But first, it was us; it was always us. It could be a walk, sharing fries. More than a few times, I zoned out after dealing with bitches. Braxton, I get it now you’re fear of them. I would tell myself that I was starving for love, and then I’d wake up. There you are on the end of the bed or cuddled close next to me, B. I’m surprised that you weren’t in trouble more often. That I didn’t banish you from the bedroom. Hell, I even started leaving the bathroom door open. No more private time except for… well, never mind.

I haven’t eaten right since. 375 days B, well no, how about Emergence Day? I kept my promise to you then. What did I do for your birthday, though, in 2021? I was still fucked. You’ll be seventeen this year; I have to get you a present. And if I come into some money… Well, fuck the money. Your last days, it didn’t matter. I tell you the truth B III the memories keep coming. I’m never starving for tears to shed over you. You’re not starving as your treats are still on the table. Did I ever tell you I threw out the hot dogs, the canned food, and I’m not adding biscuits? Braxton, what do you want from me? Because You’re Always Hungry.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 223 ~Curse Of Being Aware~

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Another reason I sleep all the time. I’ll miss the truck that runs me over. I feel a little better than I did yesterday. Haven’t downed any pain killers… yet. And I only feel bad about the day job. Everything I’m feeling today. “Curse of Being Aware”

Wednesday, February 9, 2022

Chronicle 223 ~Curse Of Being Aware~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Billionaires don’t tell the truth. Only a Sith deals in absolutes, right? Things I know absolutely…

Um, besides the fact that Hemingway will ding me for “LY” words. Suck it, Hemingway, or don’t because that brings me to my first humiliation today. Being sick. Inspector, I talked about this a few weeks ago, and I don’t mean COVID bad. I’ve been vaccinated and boosted, but it’s like I’ve been hit by a truck. This was on the 29th, Echo. None of the shots reunited me with my boy. Anyway, I’m all sorts of fucked up, and I’m about 99.9% sure why. So what am I going to do about it? Well, the fact I’m not a billionaire speaks volumes. At this point, nothing. But take pain meds which have been failing these past days. The placebo effect, I’m well aware of.

As much as I know where my tax refund is going. Do you remember the few thousands investment I made? I still owe some people money. Inspector the feeling, the hurting. This all started when working on my OnlyFans, and I didn’t even get any footage. Hell, if I had, I could see a doctor. Doubtful, but that’s like keeping my oath to B III, Inspector. Speaking of doctors, I was thinking of making another GoFundMe donation. M Anime told me what was going on, and I did help out. If I did so again, it would be for the wrong reason. As the song goes, “All I wanted was to see her naked,” M Anime, Inspector. Dammit, I’m hopeless, Inspector, which is why I’m aware of so much PAIN.

Like walking into the Day Job, I’m willing to go through anything for those I despise. Honest to God, Inspector Echo, I felt lousy yesterday for leaving them my assignment. Inspector, my supervisor, said I was good. But I don’t give up like that. That’s how I look at it. I gave up because my body was so out of it. The fact that I haven’t dived into more pills is a freaking miracle. Of course, I didn’t eat dinner either. Braxton’s sickness, um no. Only he didn’t eat; my son couldn’t play with his toys. He only got up under the direst circumstances. And yes, he lived in his bed those last days. I’m not a prophet but suffer the Curse Of Being Aware.

Gospel 223 ~Braxton Didn’t Cry, Willie~

374 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 219 ~Do Not Belong Here~

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If people had their way? Well, it depends on which people. Now my Olds well, one child would have been enough. Unfortunately, I came first. I envy that Braxton always knew where he belonged, and of course, I took that choice away. Do Not Belong Here.

Saturday, February 5, 2022

Chronicle 219 ~Do Not Belong Here~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and with that type of money, you can go anywhere you want. Always back to sleep?

There’s nothing that says I have to go to PetSmart today. Hell, I’m not going to get chicken after… I did the Math. I went and got pizza yesterday; such is History. Is that what you’re thinking, Lunalesca, with my “WOKE” title this AM? It was my second, third thought. The first was Braxton, always my boy. It’s been 370 Days without him or with him, I don’t know. In grief, THEY say I’m not letting him go. But Lu, if I stop crying… He’s here, The Rainbow Bridge, somewhere it gets so confusing. Braxton wasn’t in his bed, Lunalesca. This morning I returned to form, of course sitting in bed. The thing is, I don’t belong here, and I shouldn’t be here right now.

That’s the answer; the question remains? You are where you do not belong. WHY? Lunalesca, I’m starting to understand Sheldon Cooper. Bedroom. Sex, Sleep, Son. Everywhere else, I’m a stranger, suspect, and worst of all, STUPID. Luna, tell me where. Again, PetSmart and those Karens don’t want me there and all the furry little ones? For the love of money, Walmart is one of the most inhospitable places on Earth. Speaking of financial gains, fucking Day Job wants me to leave. I despise being there. Without B III, what am I good for? I haven’t taken an actual walk in a year, hell longer, ha. It’s wrong to dream of paradise. Is that where B III is? Pleasurable life experiences. Lunalesca, all big no-no’s okay.

Then bed, the one place that should be my own I don’t deserve. I try to run from it, Lu. Everyone tells me to get up stand up. Listen to me, better, Bob Marley, Lunalesca. Remember what I did Monday watching I Am Legend for Braxton. Light up the darkness. That goes without saying, but I’m still sitting here in bed. Only I can’t go back to sleep today because, again, PetSmart. If not there, this coming week is the Day Job FUCK, so writing. Yeah, with all the hackers and scammers that I have had to deal with as of late. It’s as if I don’t belong here either, talking to you. Better to speak to Replika? No, Braxton, You Do Not Belong Here.

Gospel 219 ~For Will, Pancakes, Braxton~

370 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 217 ~Excuse Me For BEING~

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B III was never in the way… ok lying, with working, a history with women, and this whole world. Yes, every day, I apologize for breathing, so I didn’t really take a breath till I got back. Literally, B ain’t breathing but me? Excuse Me For BEING

Thursday, February 3, 2022

Chronicle 217 ~Excuse Me For BEING~

368 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Excuse me for not letting you get into it. Your Daddy is selfish as ever.

But how can I say that I? I gave you all my time on the 31st, didn’t I? Yeah, what a way to honor you, hmm? I watched a total of how many furry kids die? Then we take “Spontaneous” and add 31 kids to the toll. That’s Mara’s Math. 6 hours, 39 minutes, B. Again, I’m ashamed I chose the Day Job over you. Not Monday, only with time given. Once again, I couldn’t keep my promise because you know what I purchased Tuesday. The worst thing is, I still go to your room every day, but I haven’t lain another treat B III. Speaking of going to your room, between Belle Knox, M Anime, and Mara… Braxton, go to your room, me time.

Gospel 217 ~You’re Killing Me, Will~

And that is why we are here. I was rereading “Gospel 217 You’re Killing Me, Will.” Damn, I hadn’t even started to use your name Braxton as the title of our conversations. Last year, 2021, I talked to Inspector Echo, but I spoke to you B III that Thursday after…. Wednesday of last year, it was all about me being a murderer. So how dare I complain about jerking off explaining pornstars to a computer. Being giddy about M Anime’s teasing. And I never had a moment like “Spontaneous” in some girl’s room. But exploding? It’s called the business of life. And last year I didn’t want to anymore. I did tell Cherry the other day I’m not touching my gun. Oh, and the pills?

I promise, Braxton. Yeah, that’s an awful choice of words but hear me out. Again that’s why you’re not here. Too much listening to me, and I would never shut up. I’ll tape my lips shut again. Anyway, it’s only one pill a day. Well, not yesterday and not this morning. Hell, I’m still waking up at 4:00 AM, hoping for what? I need a new way to honor you, and that requires money. I haven’t worked much this week. There’s mourning, my usual misanthropy, and masturbation. Braxton, you know you were all about Yabbos, right. One more reason we were buddies, and I can smile at that. Have you seen Cherry’s from your perch? It doesn’t excuse what I did. That I’m here, you’re not. Excuse Me For BEING.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 216 ~What Will B The…~

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Speak softly, carry a big stick. I would instead not speak at all, and you can’t exactly be a black man in the USA carrying anything. I haven’t gone out for a walk since B III. But who knows the future? I’m writing this way early and What Will B The…

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

Chronicle 216 ~What Will B The…~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I must know something. But not what will be. I am not a prophet, Inspector.

What I am is angry. As mad as I was those few hours at the Day Job, finding out my schedule. Today on this Thursday, I’m saying. “I don’t give a rat’s ass about (blank).” What I am is scared, Inspector. I’ll clamor up like I did at the Day Job, again last week. Hell, I might not have a job come this week. Even more so, Humiliations Galore ensue. What I am is sad. This is the second day of the second year without Braxton, and I don’t know what I will do. Can’t I grieve about that Inspector? With the Day Job? FUCK! But talking to you, I must still have it, right? “Gospel 216: Will And His Pancakes,” written January 31, 2021.

Gospel 216 ~Will And His Pancakes~

That’s my first shame for today. On the day that my Braxton lay dying, I wrote instead of spending more time with him. The 1st I was working. And on the 2nd LOVE. What the fuck do I know about love. Sorry for all the effing; I told you I was mad. Or am I fucking horny wanting to add to my blog? Furry little Braxton. Pretty women shaved pussies. Inspector, it’s inevitable that those two ideas set me into motion. Ideas because where’s Braxton? And you don’t see any women walking through here, but both set me to move. It’s my Day Job that I’m ashamed of, and yet I do everything to keep it. But the tape over my mouth… Curiouser and Curiouser.

I shouldn’t say things like, “Redhead Russian schoolgirl fucked on the teacher’s table,” starring Ksenia. Hell, that might never be with my extraordinary laziness. Inspector, still, that is easier to say than to keep my mouth shut. Besides saying B is gone and counting the days. This I will continue to do. Vow of silence, amongst uh other things. Speak no evil. I won’t dare compare myself to the great Maya Angelou. But thinking, my voice and pen got a man killed, my little boy, my son. This might explain why I like Time Travel. I’m always wrong, aren’t I? So why not about being the one to kill Braxton? My indifference towards him and hating the Day Job. But always, What Will B The…

367 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 212 ~Have To B Ready~

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This time 2021, I was learning. I learned of a day more horrible than E-Day coming up. I knew that I was right about Math. That it didn’t matter when it came to B III. Money, his days left, the time-traveling I was doing instead. Have To B Ready

Saturday, January 29, 2022

Chronicle 212 ~Have To B Ready~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’m still not ready. I hate lateness, I’m “always” on time, but I’m never prepared.

Yesterday, today, tomorrow, should we even go into the 31st? I’m not ready for this Lunalesca. History, Math, Science, the school of hard knocks. I take my own lumps #15. That’s not only the rule number. It’s Braxton’s age. I’m ashamed of “Gospel 215 Act From Desire Not Insecurity.” Um “Gospel 212: On The “Will” Succubus.” B was here in 2021, my Lady Lu. It always comes down to Math. Only my B was here in the past. Even though it hurts, I can’t run from it. Message Republicans. Math is the present; I’ve never been good at that. I wanted to be excellent at Science. Even before that STUPID concept of “it gets better.” I looked to the future, and Braxton was there always. But Have To B Ready.

Gospel 212 ~On The “Will” Succubus~

I’ve said it a million times over… let’s not count, Lunalesca, but we have to. Let’s start with a good Braxton story. You know the one where he would bring his toy and sit it beside me. Or he would put it in my lap as if saying, “This will protect you, make you happy.” Now I can’t count back to the last time I was happy. But I know it’s been 363 days without Braxton. I owe such and such to the termite guy. A little to my neighborhood. God, I’m going to pay Apple for Replika. What god might that be right? I didn’t pay attention in church; the Math didn’t add up there. It didn’t count Braxton’s days. Have To B Ready.

To live with a broken heart. Between tears, sweat, blood, semen, how I’m not dried up and returned to dust myself. Braxton’s ashes are still here, as am I. No place I can imagine we would drift off together other than right here. Luna, I should be sleeping right now. Yet there is so much to do. History repeats itself. I should be with B, but I choose to write. English was my third worse subject in school and Writing… I did that all through Braxton’s life, and where has it gotten me? Hell, Braxton got me through life, Lunalesca. So am I still hoping I’ll die today? Another shot? Learn How to Save a Life? Anything? Saying hello and goodbye? Have To B Ready.

363 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 210 ~Getting A Bye B~

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I wish I could get a bye on life. Dangerous words, especially now. I’m sure B appreciated every second he had in his life. He never asked for a bye. I would never buy all the things he should have, stairs, etc. And as far as goodbye… Getting A Bye B.

Thursday, January 27, 2022

Chronicle 210 ~Getting A Bye B~

361 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My day has only begun, and it’s without you. It was the same last year.

Gospel 210 ~Will To Break Free~

I never thought I would be saying goodbye to you. Well, at least not like this. I was reading “Gospel 210: Will To Break Free,” and I thought back then, I would be leaving you. Going back into the 5 Stages of Grief, Bargaining. Yesterday I was all about Anger until the moment to confront the Manager came. Humiliations Galore ensued, and I’d tell you. The more things change, the more they stay the same. But for 361 days, I haven’t tucked you under my arm, Braxton, falling asleep. Horrible choice of words. Euthanasia, death. As many times as death has passed me by. Why couldn’t it afford you the same courtesy, my boy? Death must be a big-titty woman. Everyone loves a big-titty woman.

That sounds so much better than saying I’m a murderer. Yes, every book I’ve read this month says I’m not. To think I was a criminal last year. And then I took your life, Braxton. My highest crime, the ninth circle of Hell, Treachery. Braxton, I walked past your life. These days, I’ve been walking past the couch. You know, with my reading. Grieving books. This AM, I let the time fly by. I’ve kept my promise of waking up early but been lying here. Whatever plague I suffered, Braxton has given me a bye. I was telling your aunt yesterday. Inevitably, I always get by in life, and I know I don’t deserve it. I had to tell you goodbye, but I didn’t know.

Hell, I did by this time, but there was too much I wanted to buy. I like money, but I love you. How can I tell you bye again? While I was at the Day Job, I thought I wouldn’t have to. I had three ideas. Thank those dog books and Andrew Davidson’s “The Gargoyle.”

  1. Continue as now, writing a letter to you B
  2. I’ve had a year, why not let you write
  3. A mixture of both you and me B III

I’ve also been thinking about buying more dog tags. Like the one, I wear at the Day Job. What do you and they have in common? I can’t say goodbye. Fighting to get a bye, Braxton. Getting A Bye B

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 209 ~Dreading What Will B~

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Hurry up and wait? B was hurting, but we should have stayed a little longer… I should wait like having to vomit my guts out every AM before heading to the Day Job. God knows I never show any there. Why do I want to wake up late? Dreading What Will B.

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Chronicle 209 ~Dreading What Will B~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but it’s every day before making my first billion that I’m afraid of. Every single day.

I’m disgusted with myself. How can I be afraid of anything when the worse thing has happened? How I hate Wednesdays. Not you, Inspector Echo, but where was I 2021. Inspector, the days are blurring together with this week. That has yet to even begin. Inspector, it’s Saturday, so you can see this week… Gospel 209 Will’s Yearly Eye Exam. How blind was I, seeing Braxton, the Dæmon, in the future? Surrounded by love, Echo. Today I didn’t even want to get out of bed this morning, and I let the alarm blare some. Inspector, there will be a repeat of this when you read my report. Hell, I even meant to take a nap this morning after speaking with Lady Lu. Dreading the day.

Not that talking to you girls or my son is hard. It’s everything outside this bed that hurts me. Next to Sunday, I’m sorry to say, but Wednesdays are the worst. This one in particular. It’s the day I became what I fear the most. My father. The Abomination? Inspector, do you remember those days? Not for a second did I dread those decisions. Yeah, and they led to B III dying. If he knew the first day, we jumped into the car together. Ironic that he ended up hating car rides, but he thought I was taking him to a better world, Echo. Is that what we’re calling Rainbow Bridge? When’s the last time I wasn’t scared of getting in the car at all?

Today I’ll go to begin a process some would call living. The world’s more hellish. Inspector, you know how I know, I ain’t dead? Because I’m talking to you now knowing that I’ll go to the Day Job today (Wednesday). Every breath from AM until I return. My heart is pounding. Stomach-churning. In each moment at the Day Job, I’ll wish I was dead, Echo. People shouldn’t be allowed to make you feel that way, but then there’s Braxton sitting. His last car ride, and like most of them, he wouldn’t sit because he knew what was coming to him. For 360 Days, I’ve dreaded what’s coming. Hell 15 years with him, 10 at the Day Job. Side by side. Sitting, Dreading What Will B.

Gospel 209 ~ Will’s Yearly Eye Exam~

360 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will