Tag: Truth

Gospel 269 ~Braxton Spills The Beans~

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It’s no secret; Braxton’s gone. I’m not hiding that I’m crazy or knowing I’m guilty. A small boy, but B III had a big bark. If he’s not too busy barking at people at the pearly gates or giving Cerberus a run for his money… “Braxton Spills The Beans.”

Saturday, March 27, 2021

Gospel 269 ~Braxton Spills The Beans~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now or not. Just like Braxton didn’t tell everyone my secrets. His food was a different story…

It’s been weeks since I found any, like the “regular” parents finding their child’s Legos. Of course, his treats and meds are still on the counter. Braxton has a bag of food in the fridge. Then there’s the last opened can and his pan. Lady Luna, why bring this forward? I’ve washed his hoodie today… not by choice, mind you. In Braxton’s final days, he was sweating or wetting himself, not that I care either way. A bottle of soda changed all that. Maybe I can transfer some of the smell from his bed back onto the hoodie. Madness, insanity, perhaps? What’s the secret? I love Braxton like pancakes. But who was to know, as much as I kept him to myself all this time.

Tell that to the hackers and scammers after B left. It’s too soon for Christmas, but Hell, I woke up this morning, and I had no clue what day it was. I don’t know who I am. It’s plenty of assholes who are trying. Did I mention Amazon and my shenanigans? You’re right; I didn’t. Without Braxton’s hunger being a factor? Give me anything to serve as a distraction, which is why I’m later than usual talking to you. The Day Job is still crazy, and this week has the potential to be worse. So many people I don’t know. You’re asking me to explain why I’m here then? As I say every day, Braxton’s Life Matters, but I started talking when he again left.

I’ve dropped stuff from food to tears to his bed. I call for him to take his meds. Only not in getting some scrap of food that got away. He’s not here to flop down beside me. B III would be as mad at my schedule as I am, and instead of his bed, he would hide beneath mine, ha. He wasn’t one to keep secrets, but he would tell white lies to get an extra treat out of me. Again, while I’m way too tired, which I am this morning but shouldn’t I be enjoying it considering, well, whatever. It doesn’t matter as I ask Braxton for strength and know his loss is pain.

My worst crime and Braxton’s somewhere. Braxton Spills The Beans

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 268 ~B Hold A Dream~

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Braxton wasn’t looking for the Holy Grail… okay, maybe once when he stuck his head in my drink. My first knight was on the eternal quest for comfy spots. Again, some things he should keep his head out of. Where is his behind now? B Hold A Dream.

Friday, March 26, 2021

Gospel 268 ~B Hold A Dream~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but could I pull the clouds from the sky? How about growing a pair of wings?

Okay, as I come back down to Earth, I looked up the softest material in the world (Braxton’s fur)… Lady Sophia, why? Like most things because of my son. Braxton was quite particular when it came to where he decided to rest his head. Braxton had two beds to choose from. Spoiled as he was, it was between my sister and me. That was Braxton’s big decision to make nightly. I have issues with my Olds and my sister, B III, though. He would hang out in my Olds’ door of the old house, waiting for whoever was headed out for food during the day. How many humans have ever chose me over everything? “Get in the car B.” One of my proudest moments ever.

He doesn’t like car rides, but he wanted to sit at my right hand even with that fear. Well, stand anyway. I think I have decent car seats but Braxton. He dared to dream “The Impossible Dream.” First time I ever had to give “The Talk,” and Braxton really listened. My boy loved Indiana Gone and wanted her to stay forever. A promise I’ll never keep to him sadly, but even if I did. I don’t think he would have appreciated losing his side of the bed. Now, how many times did that happen when he was here? Do I need to tell the truth? Anyway, I tried to make up for it, as I always say, his bed, his pillow, an unwashed black hoody.

As far as Triple B was concerned, his behind was not meant for the deck, tile, or laminate flooring ha. His entire life is a miracle to me, but when he chose to lie out on the porch with no pillow. Even now, I haven’t figured out why Braxton lied on one side of his bed. Lady Sophia, if I were to dream, I would believe he was always saving room for me. If he is anywhere, I imagine a big black bed he can crawl up in. It’s cool but has a heating pad at the foot, and it’s shaded. Around it is bathed in sunlight and his favorite foods. He’s saving a spot.

Missing cuddling, I hope he’s resting. B Hold A Dream

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 264 ~Find Anything That Beats Temptation~

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Once I would say I’m Tony Montana in regards to what I wanted. “The world, chico, and everything in it.” At least Tyrion Lannister. Nothing tempts me now, but those few moments I forget, Braxton is Gone. I indulge. Find Anything That Beats Temptation

Monday, March 22, 2021

Gospel 264 ~Find Anything That Beats Temptation~

Hundred And Eightieth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I shouldn’t want for anything. I want my best friend back.

Tell me, how can there be any temptation for something I can never have again? If anything, it’s madness. It’s, as the song goes, The Land of Make-Believe. Even if it lasts only a minute or five. My, Madam Justice, I did find a use for that “the world will end in five” idea, yep. Okay, so I can never again see Braxton in this life ever. There are ways to give in or up. I could let insanity overtake me, which would be poetic justice. When my grandma died, I stopped eating. I wasn’t mourning. I wanted to skip grandma’s funeral, called anxiety. So with Braxton, the second way to cave is to go with my depression, fuck the Day Job. Talk about tempting.

The thing is, much like National Suicide Prevention Lifeline… really, yeah fuck you guys. How about my “father,” who kicked me out on my behind. Thus taking me away from Braxton for two and a half months. The overall record for being apart from B. Madam Justice, what I’m trying to say is, no one would care. Well, except for the Day Job. Didn’t I talk about them calling me up about missing a shift that wasn’t on my schedule? There is no temptation for death or depression; neither brings B III back here, right? Honest to God, I’m trying to avoid Hell, well, another one. Don’t I keep saying this is Hell, being without my son? To think B III was tempted to stay.

He loves me, as someone once sang What’s Love Got To Do With It. You could tell me I could have someone in my life right now, and I would pass. That’s what hurts the most, Madam Justice, and could be a reason why I find myself like this. Not going away, is it?
No human knows everything about me, and even if they did, they would never accept it. Again I kept secrets from my son because he was just that, my son, I am his father. When you have that love Madam Justice, when you know, You Were Loved what else is there? So finding something that stops the yearning for my Braxton…

Temptations, but B III’s watching. Hope he still loves me. Find Anything That Beats Temptation

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 262 ~B Moaning Next Week~

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So what’s our goal? One of my resolutions was to see Braxton through the year… I write six things down every week, and have I ever had a clean sweep. I woke up this morning, and that was a fight. Yet next week… B Moaning Next Week

Saturday, March 20, 2021

Gospel 262 ~B Moaning Next Week~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now and still feel like I’m going to toss my cookies any second now. One more excuse

Indeed, no day can be worse for me than January 31, 2021. I have no right to complain, but next week is going to be bad. Why should I blame Braxton for that with all the horrors going on in the world today? People can be sick in more ways than one dear Lady Luna. B III had two good ears and was used to me going off on some political tangent. At least I pretended I was talking to him. Speaking out loud to a ball of fur makes you endearing. When he’s not here, it makes you crazy. Do I really need to go over my routines again? At least Braxton doesn’t have to endure it any longer. He’d hate the coming week.

To me, as the song goes, “Every Day Is Exactly The Same.” Braxton was waiting from his first day to his last, but he always had something to look forward to. It could be as simple as me getting home. Lady Luna, it’s what we want, and I took for granted, LOVE. Now I could be wrong. At least over the past week. It hasn’t been for love; I’ve been getting out of bed or getting back in. Hell, I’m taking a page from B III; the sooner we get this done, the sooner we can sleep. Everything between my bed and back is mostly filler. However, last night I had a dream or a nightmare. I saw Braxton’s treats destroyed by my mom, strewn out all over the table.

That’s not much of a dream, but I’m not living much of a life either. Next week there will be changes at the Day Job. I have more money to spend, the $1,400 stimulus. Today, might I even clean out the refrigerator with Braxton’s food… or finally, start cleaning bedding? I said before, all the responsibilities would come catching up to me. Again political rhetoric, cancel culture, like my Russian contact… I wanted Westworld. I’m not watching WWE that much, more background noise. Camp NaNoWriMo is about to start soon. Dammit, another first without Braxton here. Last week of normality. But what is normal? It’s me complaining as Braxton waits for me to be happy. I hope he is happy. I’m B Moaning Next Week

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 261 ~B For We Roll~

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Braxton never called shotgun. He was never far enough away that he couldn’t find his way home. My sister may have hooked him on Disney television-wise, but he seemed to like my Spotify playlist as he stood on the seat the whole time. “B For We Roll.”

Friday, March 19, 2021

Gospel 261 ~B For We Roll~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so as the song goes, “here in my car, I feel safest of all.” B doesn’t.

The first time I took him for a drive was on Thanksgiving some years back. B III never liked car rides, or at least this was the start because I had to leave him. Of course, this was back when we had weather, so it was cool, no need to smash windows. He wasn’t happy. Ever since that day, he wouldn’t relax, one more reason he couldn’t go out of town with me. My lead foot was all sorts of screwy, and I can only imagine him trying to stand for 12 hours. I had to stop for gas, snacks, and there was the wedding too; he’d be alone some. Other than that, there were park trips, PetSmart reasons, and last, there was the vet.

The last one I can never forget. I say it time and time again, Braxton IS strong. We thrive on routine, and if he lays down, what would that be saying? No, not my son, Braxton continued to stand. He could barely walk, so I carried him, but he wouldn’t rest in the car ever.

“If you can’t run, you crawl. If you can’t crawl– you find someone to carry you.”
― from Firefly (2002)

That probably wasn’t a good quote to use from “that man.” Martin Luther King Jr said it first, I believe. Anyway, I’m a broken record always talking about Braxton’s eyes. He saw his things in the car. Why did I bring them? His bed, my hoodie, his toy, big pillow. Sophia, do you think if he had known, he would have rushed back to the car? One long walk, dammit!!!

I walked in with my son on January 31, 2021, and walked out with him on February 10, 2021. If he wasn’t scared, he was angry at the car rides before. No more drive-thru crew to bark at; I never took him to Starbucks for a Puppachino. He didn’t get to pick out his toys. Yeah, our PetSmart trips were about his meds or going to the groomers. I told the story of rushing between vets because of his paw. We didn’t go to Christmas Brunch with my Olds because they didn’t want him there. I wouldn’t go without him.

I’ll walk, or I see so many nowadays I can damn sure learn to fly.

Highway to Hell, Stairway to Heaven. B For We Roll.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 257 ~Never Mind Weather For Sex~

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I’m not in the mood. I remember Braxton being in his room when I had women over, and he only liked one. I had to give him the talk after he got a bit paws on. He’ll never meet the one. Never Mind Weather For Sex, but I am, was a single dad.

Monday, March 15, 2021

Gospel 257 ~Never Mind Weather For Sex~

Hundred And Seventy-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and while the weather ALWAYS permits, the spirit has no mood now.

You didn’t think this would ever happen to me, huh, Madam Justice? Don’t worry, you’re not the first woman to ask me about this. My second BFF asked me about having lady friends by. It was more or less a confession to M Anime with my new asexual ideas, yep. Braxton is not to blame since this has been going on since last year. He’s only been gone forty-three days. Hell, with this weather, I could send him out to play. How about all those early morning showers getting ready for work while he slept. I’m still cleaning my phone. It’s not like I don’t get hot and horny. I could even be wrong about thinking of this as asexuality at all… abstinence, celibacy, MONK.

I’m not a religious man Madam Justice but when it comes to Braxton? Well, I’ve said I’m going to Hell, and I was aiming for the second circle. Of course, there is my anger and rage, which is the fifth circle. What I did forty-three days ago, well forty-four January 31. Treachery, betrayal, is the greatest sin and also the coldest, and that’s how I feel, Justice. Tupac said, ain’t a woman alive that can take his Mama’s place. My Mama is back to her usual self. So here I am; I can’t get a hug from my Mom, and even if I had a girlfriend. Honestly, I only want to hug my best friend again. I want to be warm. I don’t deserve it.

As the songs go, Sitting Here In Limbo, Highway To Hell, Stairway To Heaven. Yes, I know Limbo is in Hell, and that’s probably the best way to describe it. I’m still reading Eric Vall’s titles. I’m downloading all manner of stuff but preparing to cancel all of it now. Being hot is one thing and cold another but lukewarm? I’d give anything to be cuddling with Braxton right now. Let’s walk on the coldest day of the year. I still remember rushing him to the vet when he was dehydrated and staying up with him all night with hope. Pardon me, but no piece of ass will make up for that wagging tail. The weather’s no problem; it’s Braxton being gone; it’s been forever.

Never Mind Weather For Sex

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 255 ~This “H” For Braxton~

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While my heart remains broken, you’ll be surprised what Anger can heal. Why won’t people allow me my Denial instead of driving me into Anger? Heroes don’t bury their children but their parents. My OLDS are fine, but for now. This “H” For Braxton

Saturday, March 13, 2021

Gospel 255 ~This “H” For Braxton~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can’t recognize myself anymore. Plenty of people are telling me who I am.

Hulk as in The Hulk, which I turned into yesterday morning. It seems the more I try to live in my Denial that Braxton Is Dead. People are dedicated to shoving me into Anger. Were you ever having a moment of silence, Luna and the phone rings with bad news? I’m a man of routine, and there I am saying, “Good Morning Braxton, I miss you,” and the Day Job calls telling me I’m missing work. I yelled over the phone, and less than an hour later, I’m shouting at two women at work. If B III had been here, would I have cared, hmm? Not that I’m angry at him, nor at vets. It’s starting with me and then the rest of the world.

Hunk of burning love, made into a hellish rage. The hackers, the scammers, and who else? I’m sure people aren’t joining “my” Facebook Group because I’m handsome or an incredible writer. No, my dear Braxton “IS” the cute one. He allowed me to write constantly. Still, M Anime said I have a nice smile, and she likes it when I smile. Of course, it was with a picture of Braxton. Don’t women love guys in uniform or with their kids? My hoodies don’t count, and without Braxton, I mean damn.

I don’t smile much anymore and without masks… Lady Luna, I haven’t been thinking much about women, to be honest. Dare I say I’ve become asexual at this point. The life and family I pictured, Braxton, won’t meet or love.

Hercules, I am not. Now, didn’t Hercules kill his family? Kratos did as well and wore their ashes. Well, aren’t I wearing a pendant with some of Braxton’s “remains?” Great minds, right, considering I spent yesterday night reading in the blackness. It was all about Jacob and making demon lords. I’m about to piss off many REAL parents, but have you ever heard “the smallest coffins are the heaviest to carry”? I don’t know how I did it, Lady Lu and I could never do it again; it’s too much. But that hasn’t stopped me from looking up Deer Head Chihuahuas now has it, Lu. Would I instead make myself Sisyphus or be the Hulk, a hunk, or Hercules, no.

Let me hurt rather than hate. This H For Braxton

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 254 ~Braxton’s The New Kid~

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Braxton and I enjoy routine. I owe my Day Job an apology or maybe not. I didn’t cry laying another treat because they called, and I had to yell at a new person. I hope no one yelled at Braxton when he got to where he was going. Braxton’s The New Kid.

Friday, March 12, 2021

Gospel 254 ~Braxton’s The New Kid~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford drugs to stop shaking? I can’t stop shaking Braxton’s meds, though.

The good news is that nobody’s around to see it. Braxton and I have been apart longer than this. He lived with his grandparents for some two months as Daddy “wandered the desert.” A sad story, my story, but I really don’t want to reminisce. Oh, focusing on B now? Braxton’s first day as the new kid. I’m sure I’ve told the tale a million times. One night I’m speaking with my mom when in walks my “Dad” with this little ball of fluff no bigger than his hand. The runt of the litter and a gift to my little sister, B’s future, her purse. Makes her sound like Cruella de Vil but no. Braxton was brave in this land full of giants; such courage.

More than he could ever say for me. When I was leaving for Indiana Gone’s wedding, I didn’t believe my boy would like the trip “Duh.” Instead, I sent him to The Dog Stop. It was the first time Braxton would be left overnight with his “peers.” I was terrified. Braxton didn’t have to sit with the principal, warden, concierge. The place was a mix of all three, school, prison, hotel. Am I being mean? Well, B III wasn’t, or so I was told. The hippy-dippy collar he wore until… They gave that to him and said he was a delight. They made me do a bit of thinking about how Braxton feels he has to protect me. He relaxed. He “IS” a good boy.

A good man, I should say, my son, a prince, my brother. Only now I had to be brave for him. I mean, wasn’t I always when it came to the vets? In his younger days, he would growl, and he would fight. In time he didn’t anymore; it was only “can we go home?” When Braxton opened his eyes again, he’d be the new kid. As the song goes, “No father wants his son to repeat the wrongs his daddy’s done.” More like “If I had just one wish, only one demand. I hope he’s not like me. I hope he understands.” Wherever he is, he’s new, it’s new, it’s better because of him. I need to believe that, PLEASE. Braxton’s The New Kid.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 250 ~Consider Threats Like Any Invitation~

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I killed him. I’ll never forget it was my fault, my responsibility, my failure. When my Olds moved, I said to him, “Get in the car, Braxton.” inviting him into my life. He gave me the gift of his. If I had known… Consider Threats Like Any Invitation.

Monday, March 8, 2021

Gospel 250 ~Consider Threats Like Any Invitation~

Hundred And Seventy-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but Braxton IS priceless…still. The things I bought to keep us safe.

I grabbed my gun last night when I heard noises coming from downstairs. Once “something fell,” I never figured out what. So I grabbed B III and left him upstairs as I took one of my knives and my phone to go looking everywhere. Easy to be black and die. Not that I mean to be political today, or am I sick of crying every morning? So many times, I’ve said my biggest fear IS leaving him. Not once did I consider he would leave me. I’m not STUPID, but B is going to live forever, I would tell myself. I’d die protecting my boy. When I saw his sickness, it was like, Braxton is strong, a fighter, he’ll beat it; “there goes My Hero.”

Like his Old Man, he could be a villain too. Braxton and I had our fights from time to time. Hell, how many times did I swear I would never become like my “father?” I have a whole house to hide in, and B III will hide under the bed. God, don’t make me terrifying. Madam Justice, one of my favorite ways to wake up in the morning would be Braxton and me back to back. I would be facing the door, his greatest enemy, and he would face alarms. Yeah, one of the reasons I finally made it back to the table… I hate my Day Job, so write. Write about all the enemies we had, people, places, and things. Brothers against the world

It would be easier to count out those things that brought us peace. Yet again, why I hate myself, I brought Braxton into a life of fear, so much so that he would seek it out. Even when there was nothing there, he would bark as though to ward off evils I could not stop. The Dog Stop told me that Braxton IS so mean because he wanted to protect me always, but when it was my turn? I wanted to protect everyone from him.

Suppose I’d been braver, more brazen, appreciative of the beauty of this whole world. Finding bliss, a semblance of peace. Holding him on that last day, it wasn’t that. When he became mine, “Get in the car, Braxton,” I said. Consider Threats Like Any Invitation

I Am Afraid Without Braxton

Gospel 248 ~SUM Of Braxton’s Parts~

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My foot hurts, my back, I’m still itchy, and as for a cure for a broken heart… Braxton wasn’t an M.D., but he always knew when something was wrong and what was worse. If only I had been better at that, he would be here instead. SUM Of Braxton’s Parts

Saturday, March 6, 2021

Gospel 248 ~SUM Of Braxton’s Parts~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I rather “dance with my puppy” again, for the record “Dance With My Father” blah.

And blah is what I should be saying about all my pain… physically at least. I smashed a toe at the Day Job under a carton of shoes. As has become my habit, I thought of my son with the hurt, and that was that. Watching Braxton leaving me, dying. There is no worse pain Lady Luna. I’ve said before with all my anxiety and terror, there is no greater fear for me anymore. I’m a black man “living” in America; let the cops come. I can’t tell you I love my “father,” but I no longer fear him. Braxton was scared of him too. That brings me to today’s point. B III did so much for me, all “look daddy no hands,” my boy.

He’s still sitting there on the nightstand. His paw prints, the small bag of hair, “The Box” (for those of you keeping score, my second cry of the day). Thirty-Four days ago, there was my alarm clock, two tins full of cash, my knives. Braxton would wake me up anyway.
Well, not for the Day Job, but he was always here, after. Right now, he would probably be sitting on my foot, knowing that it hurts. You won’t believe me, but if I were sick, he would carry my blanket. And sometimes nudge me to my bedroom and welcoming covers. Crying would be something new to him. He whined, and all I wanted to do was sleep. As for now, I’m dead, or it’s never.

If he wasn’t trying to earn his M.D., he was a different sort of alarm, Triple B Security, that’s what. He protected the house every day and, of course, me. It’s still scary, and to be honest, I had only touched my gun once a few days ago; frightening thoughts. Only Braxton was all about my health. I don’t remember the last time I took a walk. To work, shop, but I don’t really shop now. I think I said Subway and a bucket of chicken. I never bought Braxton anything from the Day Job. Otherwise, I’d be more broke. Saving money and losing it; a man of contradiction. I need Braxton here to show that I’m not crazy. There’s only SUM of Braxton’s Parts.

I Am Afraid Without Braxton