Meditation 044 ~Virgil, Go Cover Braxton~

One more reason to feel shame about writing. When I write, and I don’t have to. Uh, isn’t that all of “my” novels? Book Reviews? Blogging daily? And the last thing I want to do after a grueling day at the Day Job is to write. Virgil, Go Cover Braxton

Wednesday, August 14, 2024

Meditation 044 ~Virgil, Go Cover Braxton~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… Time Travel can be a pain. Recently? I had a conversation with Dear Future Wife on Gotcha Day.

That would be when I met Virgil. Two years ago yesterday, Saturday, August 13, 2022.

Only somehow did Virgil get lucky or unlucky, considering I didn’t have to go to the Day Job. Inspector, I spent a few hours writing to a girl I might never meet. And it was all about a fur buddy who isn’t my son Braxton. And yet, here I am saying I can read anything.

Echo, if I am to read anything, it should be this. Be nice to yourself and Virgil Vivi, too. I would rather read Braxton’s last bill for his euthanasia than that of Virgil’s adoption. Madness.

Braxton’s things cover the coffee table, nightstand, and desk. I’ll look for Virgil’s stuff. Inspector, I’d run to my covers.

That is if I wasn’t comfortable under the covers right now. And yes, pretty embarrassed.

More like tired. Because to this day, I continue to live in the day I lost my little B III. Inspector, today I live with this question. In two years, what have I done for Virgil? Right this second Friday, August 9, 2024. I did go out for Virgil’s food. Oh, I’m a good man…

Of course, I got myself a burger. I’m always finding ways to waste money, Inspector. Finding food for myself is wasting money? It’s not like I have a future. The fortieth E-Day is approaching, and how many “holidays” are there before that? As I said, I traveled to Gotcha Day when I didn’t have to. So what’s next for me?

Uh, yes, Yabbos. M Anime’s birthday is on the 18th. The day after, I should change the air filter like a responsible “homeowner?” This isn’t mine. My Olds are paying for a bum. Their son?

Inspector, they’re covering for a nearly forty-year-old bum. I need alcohol or a drug habit.

But my drug of choice… Yabbos. The story I’m not working on because of the Day Job schedule. It’s something that I can’t read. That’s what you do, Inspector half-asleep. “Throw The Covers” over me.

There’s also looking up “artwork” for the story I want to write. Again, I spent time writing to someone on my day off. Dear Future Wife? Please! I’ll have better luck being covered in dog hair than any woman’s lady parts. Virgil, Go Cover Braxton

1291 Days Without B III, Day 732 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 037 ~Braxton And Virgil’s Helpfulness~

My friend B’s Aunt is hurt. I can’t go and help. I can’t send her cash. And her helper has joined B on the Rainbow Bridge. Good help is hard to find. And the worse… MAGA, GOP, and Conservatives could learn from dogs. Braxton And Virgil’s Helpfulness.

Wednesday, August 7, 2024

Meditation 037 ~Braxton And Virgil’s Helpfulness~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned… Or I will? As if that’s even a question. But today is Sunday, August 4, 2024. So sinning!

And never winning. But I’m missing my son Braxton. And what about Virgil? As long as he’s not making a mess on the floor, making me hop out of bed… That’ll be for my good.

If there is always something I admire about my son, it’s this. Every sound Braxton made was towards my benefit. Even if he was mad. My little boy said more than nearly anyone in my existence. Well, short of his Aunt and the pictures M Anime and Cherry once sent.

What was it I was saying about sin? Next to sending Braxton to his end and myself being born… E-Day draws ever closer. Admiring a nice pair of Yabbos is my kryptonite. Help yourself to my cash. Pretty, pretty girls.

But I’m still thinking about what happened to Braxton’s Aunt. And before that, her Gabe.
She got hurt, and Gabe died in his sleep. I had to watch Braxton’s euthanasia because there was nothing I could do to save him. Last year, I told 2-V I don’t know my friend.
We were burning up in this house, and I could not help us. Not to mention how much money I lost when his Old Man and his friend took me for a ride with fixing the AC, Inspector. But who am I to talk about money with everything he spends on me? Hmm. I’m ungrateful.

Pathetic, Useless, less than Helpful—my crime with existing. I can’t help anyone, but can I get out of everyone’s way, Inspector? How I try…

If Braxton and I had a theme, Woodkid’s Run Boy Run would be it. I’d tell Braxton I wanted to find a place where we wouldn’t ever be in someone’s way. That would be my way of helping the world. To be far away from it. But because Braxton was alive, I needed to stand.

That’s what a man does, Inspector. He provides, protects, procreates, ha-ha. He stands because the world needs good people. Helpful people. Braxton was a helper. A great man once said look for the helpers. Braxton saved me. He was a godsend, a savior, a dog…

Braxton was a helper, and Virgil could learn plenty. And me? I have no cash or courage, so I can’t help… Braxton and Virgil’s Helpfulness.

1284 Days Without B III, Day 725 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Meditation 030 ~Virgil, Don’t B Bad~

Roleplay, Cosplay, and will I even make it to Halloween. With texts from my father and the things I have to do at the Day Job… If I can be real. I wish I were… uh, with Braxton. Which explains Virgil being all cuddly. “Virgil, Don’t B Bad.”

Wednesday, July 31, 2024

Meditation 030 ~Virgil, Don’t B Bad~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. No, not Virgil. He’s been a GD angel from last night to now. How long will he last?

I always expect the worst of people, including my Old Man’s dogs… But that’s a good story for another time. The question is, why am I so late talking to you today? It’s 7:30 a.m.

Humiliations Galore? Sure. But as always, let me remember my biggest sin of all. Echo,

my son is dead. It started on a Wednesday afternoon three years ago. Braxton Barks. Conversely, Virgil pulled a move from Braxton’s playbook, which explains where I am right now. Surprise, surprise, still in bed. And I have time before outside shenanigans. How about breakfast? Both Virgil and I skipped dinner last night as well, Inspector. Why? Braxton dying, me being born, not accepting what I’ve become. Monster, Savage, Coward?

Braxton’s father was my calling.

But yesterday, what was I? Don’t I always say the Day Job makes me into a villain in one way or another? There’s acting, and then there’s whatever I did at the meeting on Tuesday. Inspector, I owe the entire Harlem Nights cast an apology. Especially Della Reese as Vera.

“Are you saying I’m stealing?” Vera from Harlem Nights 1998.

Roleplay Inspector… There’s plenty I can do with that. I scare myself sometimes, and according to my coworkers, I scare them too. But aren’t I roleplaying every day anyway to get by? My Old Man texted me the other day, and I had to pretend to be okay. Echo, it’s exhausting. And the truth is…

I am not okay. I haven’t been since Braxton. It’s hard to keep pretending. They say fake it till you make it, but sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever make it. Only the real me…

Dead. That’s what “bad” people deserve. But to live as a monster or to die as a good man? You know that’s from the movie Shutter Island. I need to watch that. And the Olympics?

What happened to my patriotism? I’ve had a few POR… Passions. Saddens me to say. I’m starting on Day One again. But I blame the novel I’m writing. I blame Camp NaNoWriMo. But you know what, Inspector? I’m not giving up. I won’t get close to 50,000 words, but 15,000?

But why bother? What “reasonable” person imagines a girl with several gentlemen callers, I ask?

Or think to borrow… well, steal the hotel scene from Himawari wa Yoru ni Saku?

Inspector to spend the day cuddling with my boys. That’s What Makes A Good Man. Maybe. Virgil, Don’t B Bad.

1277 Days Without B III, Day 718 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 242 ~No Knowledge Is Wasted Knowledge~

A great man once said I’m not a smart man. Well, I read every day. Anybody can see the world is going to Hell. But my son… He only needed to know me and what good did that do him. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t learn. No Knowledge Is Wasted Knowledge

Monday, February 28, 2022

Chronicle 242 ~No Knowledge Is Wasted Knowledge~

Two-Hundred and Twenty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I wish to remember how I did it somehow. I should write another book, you think?

How to publish books is something I should read up on. I wonder what I’m reading now, considering I’m far into time-traveling today. Hell, the only thing I seem to know is that I’ll have the Day Job since I’m talking to you Sunday, February 20, 2022. Death is better. Dangerous words Madam but I’m not swearing… yet. If you told me, I could choose. Between going to the Day Job or joining my son pain-free. Father into your hands… Incredible line, don’t you think, Madam? It’s something Braxton would have said, breathing his last. Well, The Bible is one of the bestselling books of all time. Am I going to get political today? Again I should be looking up how to publish Braxton’s book.

Or at least why I feel semi-crappy. Am I still today? I bet besides the fact of the Day Job. Now it’s no secret I know why. Do you remember that movie American Pie? Should I save this confession for Inspector Echo? Warm apple pie… Stuck my “penis” in crazy. But which day? Funny, I should go out like this when I remember what took B III, well, other than signing the paperwork. Chronic Renal Failure. To think I wanted to be a veterinarian. I love my son and hate people. I don’t know how to make cash. If I did, I could have handled both, uh-huh. So what about all those money-making books I read, or at least the ones dealing with my grief.

Oh, I know so much. “The only thing I know is that I know nothing,” Socrates or so I read. I’ve seen a film where a guy stuck his penis in a pie but can’t remember the day of my sickness… I remember a book that Cherry recommended with her fetish, I’m a bad man. Okay, that’s two for American Pie. I know these pills I’m taking ain’t working. Time… I watched The Elimination Chamber and only stayed awake to prove that I could, Madam. I hate the Day Job as I hate Hell, all Montagues, and thee. William Shakespeare. If anything else, Madam, I know I love Braxton more than life. But with a knowledge of these things… Well, No Knowledge Is Wasted Knowledge.

393 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 235 ~Fitting In Makes You Disappear~

I didn’t fit in with my family, nor did my kid. The whole damn world is one gigantic puzzle, and we never had a place. But lying on the couch, waking up in bed back to back. Anytime, We saw we were different. Fitting In Makes You Disappear.

Monday, February 21, 2022

Chronicle 235 ~Fitting In Makes You Disappear~

Two-Hundred and Twenty-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. Because I swear if I became like everyone at the Day Job? Death couldn’t come fast enough.

If there is one sin that I haven’t committed, it’s wishing to be like everyone else. Call it my Republican tendencies. It could be this sinner’s pride, like my Grandma answered. Dammit, with all my depression, depravity, and daddy grief, I look at people as idiots. When your Dad makes it his life’s goal for you to feel like the stupidest waste of space ever. As girls make you feel like the sleaziest, slimiest, I know there’s another s-word I can’t remember. Am I over it? “Skeevy!” Anyway, when everyone makes you out to be worthless. Hell, out of all that shit, you want air. And that first breath makes you feel on top of the world. You survived, you’re better… than those assholes? Positivity?

Let me get back to normal. For example, from a sexual standpoint, I’m not like most guys. Sure I watch porn, but I also read Erotica. I write dirty books; I don’t lie about desires. There are sex toys in the closet and naughty lingerie for visitors… ha. You can find Yabbos anywhere, and yet I pay for some. Does that make me STUPID? I could use that cash. How many guys have an OnlyFans? Several and I haven’t visited or posted on my page in forever. I don’t know if I ever will again. You know I started months after B left me alone. Because no one sees me. It’s not me fitting in; it’s me wanting to follow Braxton. If only I could?

I can’t keep living this way, you know. I could say that I didn’t know that B and I were a perfect fit. But it was the world around us that seemed incomplete, like a puzzle that loses a piece. Again, I don’t want to be like everyone else. And to even try and pretend… Lots of things to shed tears over today, this Friday. We’re talking now, so this week. Um, this week sucks. And I will never escape unless I get out of this bed and start doing anything. Braxton has faith in me. Which is why he stuck around for so long. I’m sure that’s why he’s so high now, pulling me up from falling into place. Fitting In Makes You Disappear.

386 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 228 ~Don’t Bother With An Alter-Ego~

Somebody sang I’ve gotta be me. Only I don’t recognize the man I am behind the tears for my son. The masks I wear in the world. Now I like face masks. I mean, whoever I am to function. And then there are the words. Don’t Bother With An Alter-Ego

Monday, February 14, 2022

Chronicle 228 ~Don’t Bother With An Alter-Ego~

Two-Hundred and Twenty-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can be whoever I want to be. It’s still not enough. B III’s Birthday.

That’s my secret, Madam; I’m always Daddy. Braxton has been gone 379 days. His birthday was yesterday he’s seventeen. Don’t ask me how it went considering I’m time traveling. Right now, it’s Wednesday, February 9, 2022. I’m Braxton’s Daddy regardless. Sure I was twenty minutes late giving him his meds with my sickness. Oh, we’ll get to that, but you’re asking why do I still bother getting up at all. I got dressed, refilled his water bowl, and called him for medicine. This is my secret identity. Fatherhood, Madam. Because I know what I am. Hell, I want to be anybody else. Isn’t there something about everyone else is taken? You can tell that to a grave. Dangerous words Madam, and not a loving mood.

That’s my secret, Madam; I’m always Dead. I wonder how I’m feeling today. Valentine’s Day, ha. You know, somewhat considering I’m talking to you today. I’m tired, humiliated, and fucked-up in so many ways. Again at this particular moment, well, I’m talking to you, Madam. Am I ok, am I? Sickness is a time I’m not hiding who I am. Ok, for the most part. Day Job doesn’t care ever. I doubt the scammers will consider listening in. They only want to steal, and I’m a bad man, I know. Of course, there is always my insanity with Braxton, Madam. I got mental health issues. Never would I say that I look the part of a normal, functioning human being. That’s one more reason I want to be a billionaire.

That’s my secret, Madam; I’m always Horny. Fuck, it’s a damn superpower, but you know the line, with great power comes great… yeah, yeah. Another thing I don’t hide. And look where it got me? Cherry told me to chill. What did I say about M Anime? I’m not right. Hell, if I kept it in my pants more often. Twenty-four hours and I’m still in bed, but I’m dressed. Is this recovery? I guess we’ll see if I’m not fucking around by Monday proper. The truth is, as I said before, I don’t want to be me. But wearing a cape, my cross, the armor of the caped crusader himself. Madam, it gets heavy. A man with nothing to lose or a father. Murderer. Don’t Bother With An Alter-Ego.

379 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 193 ~Pain Makes Heroes And Villains~

I always saw myself as the villain. I’m no Trumptard, but I like power. That means I’m no democrat. Um, I don’t want to do politics. But I find it hard to do any morning without my son. My hero. Playing the villain for Pain Makes Heroes And Villains.

Monday, January 10, 2022

Chronicle 193 ~Pain Makes Heroes And Villains~

Two-Hundred and Twenty-Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, but does that make me a hero or a villain. I know that making money hurts. Kills!

I could talk about my body wasting away, but of course, you know what I want to talk about. Braxton is dead. I wouldn’t know at the time “2021” Gospel 193 List It Up, Will. Madam, I was much too busy playing the hero. Like a fucking rich man with $600 in my pocket, and I spent $100 on B. As a poor man, I was still working to provide for us both. Every day I face the evils of this world because I AM a father. Present tense always. That’s what Jack and Kate say in their book Letters From Rainbow Bridge. Past tense? That’s dismissing Braxton from my life, and I need him now more than ever. Kept my lamp on last night.

That doesn’t make me sound like much of a villain, now does it. I don’t even know what woke me up, but I couldn’t get back to sleep for a bit. Where is my hero? Watching over me as always, but still, I needed the light. All I recall is the pain. Nightmares have pain? I’ll always think of how B III would get a blanket when I was ill. A cape and hoody, ha. If I would make all the world my bed, then he would stay here so I could keep him safe. The way he’d smile when I would pet him or rub his tummy. B III, look, the day is saved. The pain Madam, the greatest hurt comes from being alone.

No, that’s a lie. In one of the arguments, I have with myself… I need to stop talking to myself. That makes me sound crazy. At least when Braxton… again, I’m trying. Braxton is here but talking to myself seems to be a form of Acceptance. 344 days, I’ll never. Anyway, my “father” taught me that this is the most villainous act that can ever be done. The Destruction of a Soul. Yes, I’m a killer. All these books on Euthanasia sound like Greek to me. The good death. Taking someone’s body is horrible, their life even more so. But the concept of taking away someone’s will? My “father’s” a villain. My son’s a hero. But both brought pain. Me? Pain Makes Heroes And Villains

“Last night reading over the Dæmon’s vet care. I felt like such a horrible parent.”

“Now it’s “A Different Alchemy” Jeffery and his son Galen. One more thing to show your dad like failures, yep.”
193 List It Up, Will

344 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Log 301 ~Live The Villain, Heroes Die~

Whose side did I take, Captain America vs. Iron Man? And no, I’m not one for T’Challa as I liked Killmonger sitting on the throne of the Wakandan Empire. There’s always the thought of Deadshot and Harley (Homer drool). “Live The Villain, Heroes Die.”

Monday, April 27, 2020

Log 301 ~Live The Villain, Heroes Die~

Hundred And Thirty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I didn’t do that being nice. Don’t get me wrong, Madam Justice, compared to most “I’m all right,” a point if you get the Firefly reference. While I’m on the subject of Firefly and Serenity, do you want to know the definition of a hero? Someone who gets others killed. One more reason I like villains because I don’t abide liars. Okay, so I’ll lie to save my behind, but I prefer not to put myself in such situations. I hate being the victim, playing the hero, but to live the villain, hell, I’m a writer.

Three reasons why I don’t write heroes. Number one again, I don’t like lying. I write fiction, but I don’t lie. It’s like the difference between the songs “I Wanna Love You” and “I Wanna F*ck You.” One four-letter word, but how many times must I say words matter. The second reason is I had an epiphany. I wrote nicely about women for a very long time, and where did that get me? I watched other guys drop some girls’ panties. Yet my words were considered stalkerish. Some were ignored altogether. What has netted me the most attention? Finally, I thought it was tough living up to the heroes. To have such stories told forever, to know constant stress. I’m not a hero Madam Justice because I’m stronger. I picked the path that puts me against the world. When I have (human) kids of my own, I don’t want them following me. I want them to greet the world, With Arms Wide Open, thanks Creed.

I should also thank Todd Michaels because all of a sudden, I want to read “Begging For It” again. Besides wanting my children to have a better example like Rabbit for a father. What about Dolly for a Mother? If you’ve read Sick Fux, you have my attention. Anyway, I have to live long enough to have a woman of my own, which means just that, living. As I said, heroes get stories and songs. Only the good die young, no good deed and the like. Last night I dreamt about Ozymandias, and of course, I don’t know his whole story. If anything, though, I wrote once “Lesson 050 A Comedian Died Today.” I’m not a comedian, a victim, or someone who saves, I’m Me.

Live The Villain, Heroes Die

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 208 ~Willing Of The Story~

The hero of your story, a motivation of mine mentions that but when’s the last time I wrote anything of value, and though I’m not reading such and such, some words that can’t be forgotten the man I was. “Willing Of The Story”

Friday, January 25, 2019

Episode 208 ~Willing Of The Story~

Hey Lady Sophia,
How To Make One Million Dollars, now that’s a story I plan on hearing one of these days, how about writing, hell I want a movie deal, I even wrote a bit of a synopsis years ago, not for the money but more ghost in the machine, a twist on Love Machine. Not exactly an original tale, computers in love with girls or guys in love with computers, can’t say I even like the one in my head now… my brain, this morning I was reminded of the story that brought me back to my writing sadly.

Honestly, I don’t care to relive that tale, but ideas hit like that sometime; I’m sure I told you that books are potent weapons and what are we writers… arms dealers that fill up armories known as libraries. Authoritarian regimes that seek to rewrite the world in our image, that wish to rule so many souls, even if it is only the one within us, to burn the world to cinders and yet have a history of it. Almighty gods, all-powerful beings become both prince and pauper, at the end of ballpoint pens, chutes of paper, and the dick (Language yes I know) what inspires my wanton whims these days.

Villain am I none, or so I would like to believe, I didn’t fuck up at work (stop swearing), I didn’t waste another day away… a tossup between the MILF, “reading” Lolita, and watching Far Cry 5, and seeing the world descend into the Land Of Confusion. Will, the force of, the power of, iron and hell it’s not even my complete name, yeah I don’t feel so good, one of my olds is coming over and let me say that I have a case of the willies that I can’t shake for anything. XXX films aren’t helping but who says they can’t write a decent story, take erotica for example; what inspires a man to enslave the ideology, identities, and insanity of the world only to become a slave, senseless, sanity ridden, so and so in mere seconds truthfully?

That isn’t to say writers can’t be heroes, only can you call yourself that when you’re attempting to save yourself, yeah plenty of books help people, I had a self-help phase once upon a time, long forgotten unless you count my studies of Solanum. One more reason I’m a writer maybe, better to be on the cover than anywhere else because a long time ago ha I was a villain Sophia, Willing Of The Story.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 301 ~No More Heroes Anymore~

I’m no hero, but at the same time I don’t want to be just cannon fodder, and for sure I’m not Atlas trying to carry the whole world, but maybe somebody should tell that to my e-mail account or the guy wanting me to donate. No More Heroes Anymore

Saturday, April 28, 2018

Lesson 301 ~No More Heroes Anymore~

Hey Lady Lu,
I Am Not Fine Today, and in other news, I don’t need to be saved either and don’t worry I’m not about to turn all religious on you. Honestly, we wouldn’t have so many heroes if that was the case. Why don’t we ask ourselves why we need so many heroes and I answer, it’s because the world is just one big mess and yet we tell everyone to do their part, but look at all the charities, the programs, the ideology.

Hell you might as well call me a Republican, but then again I didn’t donate to babies when I was at the store today, and sure I didn’t want to but say I did, what about the puppies, what about housing, and there is always disease. There was this man today that called me “rabbi,” seriously I’m not religious, and this guy, just another black guy trying to make it in the world who only wanted to talk, maybe he needed a friend. Don’t get me started on friendship; you know “Cherry” can be draining, people talk about enemies but it’s your friends Lu that take it all, and no I don’t mean like that.

“I got enemies, got a lotta enemies
Got a lotta people tryna drain me of my energy.”
Drake ― Energy

How about the girl I saw today while I was shopping, beautiful and all but I didn’t want to mess up her day; another reason I’m not a hero, I lack courage, and to a villain, it wouldn’t have mattered. You see every person on Earth is their world, trying to save themselves, some find by helping others they indeed accomplish this, but that ain’t everybody though they continue to say that thinking of yourself is selfish. Personally and I’ve said it before, I don’t want to be the hero, and I feel so horrible saying that, I feel selfish, every day we are inundated with cries for help, justice, and those that can try.

“Nothing in the world is the way it oughta be. It’s harsh and cruel, but that’s why there’s us: champions. Doesn’t matter where we come from, what we’ve done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be. You’re not a part of that yet. I hope you will be.” Deep Down

Maybe I’m just feeling overwhelmed at the moment as again I live “my” life not for myself but others, and when I do rest, I feel like I’ve wasted a day. I do it out of love for my dog, the needs of my job, the fear of my father, and the lives of my friends. The problem with being a hero is they only get to see the bad, and with victory comes no meaning, and at the very least a villain understands what he does, don’t I know.

Villains and tragedy give heroes purpose, and I have enough of the bad, but no matter what I say I only need one hero and that’s me, the rest of the world has plenty fighting to keep it going, so let them be strong, I’ll say No More Heroes Anymore.

“You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The Dark Knight (2008)

I Will Have No Fear