Episode 061 ~Gives Me The Willies~

Writing has a way of revealing secrets, why don’t I do it more often then, maybe because some secrets should remain under the covers like me, but I decided to get up and live the dream perhaps the nightmare. “Gives Me The Willies”

Friday, August 31, 2018

Episode 061 ~Gives Me The Willies~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason, not to be scared of horror movies, and I’ll merely say Take A Look At My Life, a testament to The Walking Dead and yeah maybe you’ll say I’m only lazy, there’s no denying that. I’ve been thinking a lot about these people at the day job, celebrating fifteen years on the job, I’m on seven myself and if I should ever make it to fifteen years in retail, do you know what I would want Sophia honestly?

“Hey, sweetheart. Let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission. I ever turn into one of those things? Do me a favor, blow my fucking head off.” ― Dawn of the Dead

Does that sound somewhat harsh to you, yesterday to me is not a tale worth retelling, but I’m going to make a real journal entry for once and tell you about today; I woke up about 6:30 am, and my little boy wanted his walk, but daddy was busy playing The Walking Dead. While outside a young girl said “oh no” which is standard for any of the female species upon seeing me, her mother overheard which got her to bring their dog in that’s always running around. Climbed back into bed to continue my Walking Dead session and then broke my No Fap streak again in less than twenty-four hours, I’m not proud of it or what got me off, damn these Beautiful Girls.

“For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I’d gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.” ― Forrest Gump (1994)

Woke up so my kid could answer nature’s call and as I told Indiana Gone, I went all “Forrest Gump” since I’d gone this far, I might as well eat breakfast, put on pants, fix another bowl, wash dishes, make the bed, even talk to you. You know something Lady Sophia, I’ve had an epiphany, maybe that’s why dogs are blessed with four legs because today he needed to be the man and I’m no more than an animal, so he loaned me legs. Speaking of being an animal my second epiphany or more an understanding from The Walking Dead or maybe Detroit: Become Human, a bit of both, I haven’t earned the right to be alive Lady Sophia, I live vicariously through the books I read and write, movies, music, games because when I walk outside the thing is:

“But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped in to enemy territory. Every day he woke up and told himself, rest in peace. Now get up and go to war. And then after a few years of pretending he was dead… he made it out alive. That’s the trick of it, I think. We do what we need to do and then, we get to live. But no matter what we find in DC, I know we’ll be okay. Because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves… that we are the walking dead.” ― The Walking Dead 05X10

That’s why I hate “The Day” life to me was never a gift and when two people who gave it regret it why shouldn’t I, sure people at work laugh, people around town too. I give people stuff to do, but if I didn’t exist, people would rest in peace, hell so would I. I don’t have to fear the monsters dear Lady Sophia. I can write to my heart’s content. This life is much scarier. And sitting here another day, going out, almost thirty-four years dodging the box my friend Gives Me The Willies.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 060 ~Will Said Or Not~

Silence is golden, and unfortunately, I gave it all up to run errands and to talk about other people shutting up which is probably the least offensive thing that I will say today and if only I sounded less stupid. Will Said Or Not

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Episode 060 ~Will Said Or Not~

WARNING, 18+, READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Come In Dirty Diana,
Give Me One Reason not to tell someone to shut up, other than the fact that I like blowjobs, trust me on this, a girl said once if I made her pasta I would get one and while I declined *cue shock* I still wanted the option. I like screams, moans, cries and whimpers, my name on her lips or nasty endearments (Ravishment Fantasy?) with all the noise in this world I like my girls loud.

Then there are days like today when I want everything and everyone to shut up, and if she isn’t gagging on something of mine, then a scarf, any number of tools, hell her panties stuffed in her mouth can help. Maybe I should practice what I preach, especially if I’m not going to talk about my anxiety driving me crazy today but my mind is clear, unfortunately, along with another part of my anatomy, the stress too much but that’s a fucking excuse. So if I don’t want to give explanations, what about the other things we don’t say, I can go forever and a day about the things people think I say, the things I do and don’t, what I mean and what’s fantasy.

Maybe that’s why I have this gagging concept along with some exhibitionism… people but not yet entirely though I’m working up to that, more the idea of a girl being unable to say anything but being watched on camera. I’ve had a thing for photography and portraits lately and watching these girls, not professional models but with such perceptiveness, poise, purity, I’m between Great Teacher Onizuka and Brutal Castings. Of course, I can’t say that stuff out loud; I’m even hesitant to mention it here, though I sent in the money to save the blog but do I honestly want anyone to read it… like me, people will focus on the blowjobs and ignore everything else that I’ve said right?

Hell Dirty Diana I say it time and time again, if I can’t handle this simple stuff what will happen when I’m Christian Grey, Dennis Hof or a man in Hollywood, role models right, the president sleeps with porn stars and wants a space army, no wonder he wants everyone to shut up. I think I’m a great listener Dirty Diana, but today I’m not looking for answers, I’m not looking for advice, not even Poor Sweet Baby, I only want quiet and release and here I am regretting having it, Will Said Or Not.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 059 ~Iron Today, Will Tomorrow~

My head is made of stone today, and I wish I were a Tin Man because my flesh is killing me, after all, it is stronger than steel as was said in “Conan The Barbarian,” but everything feels so damn hard at the moment. “Iron Today, Will Tomorrow” *sigh*

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Episode 059 ~Iron Today, Will Tomorrow~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason to stop, other than the fact that it’s “set in stone,” but that’s the Internet for you, and wasn’t I lucky that it was in its infancy when I was in high school; yeah my age is both a crime and punishment. Talk about throwing dirt on my name, but will they remember me someday, what for I ask, well Inspector Echo, this covers a wide arrange of sins, probably more suited for Dirty Diana so I will tone it down today, hopefully.

I am not the man of steel, goes without saying, especially over the last few minutes… what I mean is I’m not the hero, I’m not exactly the villain either, or at least I hope not, but I’m not “made of stone.” Iron Will, an elemental metal, yes I spent most of my workday imagining different metals and stones; when you’re introducing yourself, well Will a.k.a. Iron Will, a.k.a. I Go Hard, and there we go back into that “adult situations” state of mind. Sex and violence, you see my writing takes care of my violent tendencies, for the most part, and the sex somewhat but I also want to own a brothel someday too.

Silence is golden, am I right but is that a sin, admitting a life goal, I want a lot in this world, and I want to say I’m going to earn it but I didn’t go to the library today to write and will I be working on my novel today? All that glitters is not gold, and that can be both a good thing and a bad thing, but as I often hear in my motivations, it’s good to be a dreamer but better to be a planner and a worker and I’m dreaming a lot lately. Too bad I’m awake when I do and when I’m in bed *sigh* it’s hard but I’m on Day 15 though I’m edging like crazy for sure.

Diamonds are forever, and that is what I need to be doing, pressure and time that’s what it takes with coal but how can I when I’m on fire, and I feel like at any moment there will be nothing left of me? Will you forgive me Inspector Echo for being so random today, for the sins I know that will remain and for attempting to dig myself up from beneath the stone, for being a “basic bro,” for wanting that Midas Touch, and for not appreciating what I am for the moment because I know, Iron Today, Will Tomorrow.

“The riddle… of steel.”

“Yes! You know what it is, don’t you boy? Shall I tell you? It’s the least I can do. Steel isn’t strong, boy, flesh is stronger! Look around you. There, on the rocks; a beautiful girl.” ― Conan the Barbarian (1982)

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 058 ~The Time Traveler’s Will~

If only I were in such a rush for love as I am to panic about everything, today it was my computer and then my four-legged son just waiting around for his daddy to be happy, but he wants a mom too. “The Time Traveler’s Will.”

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Episode 058 ~The Time Traveler’s Will~

Dear Future Wife,
Give Me One Reason because you know I can’t stand being late; sadly this is one of those times you wish I’d look at my phone because my watch tends to run pretty fast and that’s the time I do abide. I hate numbers but I love you, and this is only one more reason why, because you stop time or at least disrupt it; since when did you become The Time Traveler’s Wife, I suppose that’s a day I shouldn’t forget after all it’s our Anniversary.

Is it; as if I need one more thing to panic about today with everything but how do you do that to my heart, you make it skip a beat, you rev it up, and then there is this peace that settles over me. When we first met, I was frozen and then came the Slow Motion the way I was looking at you and how my feet were cinderblocks and then rushing for dates, The Flash when it came to wanting to spend my life with you and even faster chasing the kids. My words, where you once left me breathless and then What’s My Age Again, am I a schoolboy or an old man having a Senior moment, or maybe I should ask your age once more I swear You’re Timeless To Me.

Like my phone right, keeping up with the appointments, the playlist, There Goes My Baby, of course, I have so many pictures of you frozen in time is it any wonder that I’m in a rush to find my way back to you? You know my theory that the world will end in five minutes and with you, it’s as if I have already found my way to paradise and I don’t have to worry about anything. Back then I prayed for twenty seconds… what I needed the courage and five seconds earlier that day to get out of bed and the man I was before all of this Love?

He and every other evolution of myself promised you forever, and that is a promise I intend on keeping, and of course, I don’t need any watch for that, I have the home we built together, my dog who has probably been waiting longer to make sure I would be okay. Isn’t that what I said once upon a time, I’m okay but with you, who I am, The Way I Am, baby girl I could never imagine there would come a time that I would be… happy, so Close Your Eyes and Wander because it’s The Time Traveler’s Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 057 ~Your Wish, Is Their Command~

Written and done, spoken and accomplished, if I were going to open my mouth, I would want to be one giving all kinds of orders, but there is a reason I am not the boss of a lot of things and people. Your Wish Is Their Command

Monday, August 27, 2018

Episode 057 ~Your Wish, Is Their Command~

Forty-Seventh Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason to pray, to wish, to write letters to Santa and then I talk about having no faith in the human race. I include myself in that. Then again people have rarely treated me as though I deserve such consideration. To be honest, since I have known treatment less than a man. Is it any wonder that I want to be more than one? I’m sure all fictional writers have looked at themselves as so much the better. After all, we create our universes and lives, right?

I suppose that’s where it started with me. Of course, you know what type of women inspire my female characters. What of the man who inspires most of my male protagonists? The things I want and the things I can never do. Now, this is more of a discussion for Lady Sophia. Once we enter the real world why is it that I need to trick people into buying books. I could point out authors like J.K. Rowling who knew rejection or E.L. James who people hated. Over fifty million copies and that was only one book. I don’t ask people for anything, and I don’t know what I even intended with my novel, but I do want readers and fans. Hell, I would take the infamy of Marquis de Sade, scary don’t you think?

Speaking of which I’ve talked about control and sex… well, I am dominant. People say sex is all about power, and that’s valid. Also again a chat for Dirty Diana, but these rules speak to the different facets of my life. My little man only has four, don’t crap in the house, don’t steal, when I call he shows, and don’t bite the hand that feeds you. People breed complications, yet if I have to condense all my rules down to one, well. I should start with myself; I wish I could be the man I want to be; could I demand that from myself.

Power is all that matters. Haven’t I said that before, talk about love, money, sex, whatever all these are only the forms that it takes. And whatever your poison the idea that my word is law *sigh*. So simple the thought and I can’t help it. Whether it’s over the mob, the world, a love, or yourself. The power to have all that I could desire Madam Justice in life, Your Wish Is Their Command.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 056 ~Will, Way, So Work~

To be honest, I need the work in all areas of my life, as I heard during my motivation kick, sleep is for those who are broke which explains so much these past few days. Will, Way, So Work, I have it all so won’t I?

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Episode 056 ~Will, Way, So Work~

To Will:
Give Me One Reason I wouldn’t make a good boss besides crippling social anxiety. Not expecting much of anything and more than a willingness to look at porn on top of everything else. No, I’m not going to beg you or even ask because when has that ever helped and especially with this week. You’re going to be unconscious. It’s going to be a hard one, yes harder than THAT; I’m afraid if that’s even possible my friend.

I would say I have no time for excuses, but I haven’t had time for anything else besides sleeping. When exactly is the energy boost from NO FAP supposed to kick in or maybe I haven’t been eating healthy again. It could be the pressure like I said, I figured this week was all settled, paying off the blog. And then the car trouble and having this thing about eating on the regular. It’s going to be close. Of course, sitting around waiting to fail is not right, and the thing is I don’t have to. A friend paid me some interest, and yet I’m sitting on the money. Yeah, one more thing to add to failing Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 005 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Completed (Day 012 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed
3. “I Will” Review “The Art Of Peace”
Failed
4. I Will Make It To The Library
Failed
5. I Will Read “Ven” by Ker Dukey
Failed
6. I Will Edit One Chapter A Day of “Apocalypse Rush” (Novel) 11 ― 17
Failed

Another 17.5 F, everything going into keeping my pants on. Now is the part of the story that you must admit you have a problem. And all your friends have an intervention to address the issue, lucky you don’t have any. Not entirely accurate, one left some time ago, another is Somebody’s Baby. Still another girl tries her best, and a fourth idolizes the “Lolita” motif, that word… dirty right? Speaking of dirty, your hands, you’ll be working most of this week but what about writing? Do you think God up and abandoned his universe? No wonder Alice found another one, but you can’ even attempt these Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 012 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. “I Will” Review “The Art Of Peace”
4. I Will Make It To The Library
5. I Will Finish “Ven” by Ker Dukey and K. Webster
6. I Will Edit At Least One Chapter of “Apocalypse Rush” (Novel)

Does it look like I’m going easy on you? There are factors to consider. Money, wearing out the tires with library trips when I saw hope and “potential.” How I hate that word because it means you should be doing more to make it disappear right? The man I hope you will be is starting to vanish, and you can’t let that happen, but I don’t know how to convince you. Hell Will I know you can wake up at the right time and there is so much I know.

Will you have to, you must, because it’s getting around that time, no, the time is always now, so what to do with the rest of the day? “Rule 158 I’m Will, There’s A Way” so Will, Way, So Work.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 050 ~Winners Do Whatever They Want~

Today was not a winning day, how I have dreamed a dream for hours on end but I’m only now getting to writing and not on my book mind you though I did accomplish one goal today. Winners Do Whatever They Want, but I’m not there yet.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Episode 050 ~Winners Do Whatever They Want~

Forty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason I didn’t go to prom, besides not having a date, almost scared to death, or not believing in anything. Talk about faith, “that’s a pretty bad way to start a conversation” as Kanye West would say. What about people who aren’t winning anymore and the things I do win? I’ve never seen that movie “Eighth Grade” (thank you Regal Cinemas), but I know all about winning the QUIETEST Award. No thanks.

“Okay,” asked me about fearing success, or does my discovery scare me. I suppose it depends on how I see being a winner, and that to me equals, having the money, the power, and then the women. Typical black man Scarface logic. I was thinking about my Pinterest boards again, particularly Future Freaky Females. Yeah if I were anybody else, I would hate me. Such are fantasies, and the girls I never had. What of dreams, there was the one last night; my dream girls are always changing. When has the end of the world ever been winning? Why I still write all about it.

Anyway, I was with this girl, and we were hiding from something, and for the life of me, I can’t identify her. Other than the fact she had slight curves, a brunette or dark redhead, and she wore a short black dress. For what I know it could be Megan Fox (okay black hair) but black lingerie, this girl I used to know. Sandra Luberc, Chelsea From Casting Couch HD or this Milf that’s had me edging today. It’s like that song “When Somebody Loves You Back” that’s winning. Didn’t I say yesterday that love isn’t a prize and I don’t love those I named? Actresses, friends and enemies and I could go add on.

“To never die… And to conquer all. That is winning.”

Now my search for power leads me to this conclusion from Illyria. If there is any group that understands this, it is writers. Immortality and the few that continue to make us look like rank amateurs. If it’s love, I have my son but how much does he understand me? I would never hurt him… well, his feelings but how about my species my Justice?

I win, and somebody else has to lose, and it’s like the phrase “Just Kidding” if we’re both not laughing then it’s not funny. I read somewhere it’s not lonely at the top if you pull someone up with you. One day if I win I’ll have more time because Winners Do Whatever They Want.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 043 ~Losers Always Try Their Best~

Last week I asked, can I do better, and this week as the song goes, you’re the best around, or maybe I would be if I ever got out of bed and started walking the Earth, but in doing what I consider my best… Losers Always Try Their Best.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Episode 043 ~Losers Always Try Their Best~

Forty-Fifth Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason I’m up so early, and it’s because I’m tired of being a loser, yeah that makes perfect sense, or it sucks to tear myself apart, much like this rule, but now I’m not doing my best, I’m doing me. Screwing myself over so one day; well that’s honestly Dirty Diana’s department right but anyway what exactly is my best because whatever it was, well I wanted more and so here I am becoming so damn demanding.

“Your “best”! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” ― The Rock (1996)

So you might be able to tell what the forty-sixth rule will be but for now, let’s start with something even more apparent, here I am “home,’ and I don’t see the prom queen anywhere, and for the record the Prom Queen web series (2007) is fantastic. I don’t want to try my best, if I can indeed attest that I ever did, I want to win, no more, no less, as with some of my motivational studies, win at all costs, if I’m going to sleep it might as well be in some king size bed with a pretty girl. I’m grateful for what I have and for the cuddly pup who continues to rest, but I can win for the both of us.

Unconditional love right but I have to find someone. First, I have to Git Up, Git Out, and yesterday was a decent start, though I was late, everything that I made a priority I got done… well not counting PCH but the way to Easy Street means traversing a hard road. Doing is trickier than trying, that would be a new rule if I weren’t sure I have already ripped-off Star Wars at some point, speaking of trying your best with the latest movies, though people are doing that. You know I’ve learned to hate the word “try” because what has it ever gotten me, I tried to get the job and I did, I try to sleep, and I do, it gets me survival but to DO means living.

I’m not the best at anything while I am trying, I’m losing but every day can be a step closer to victory if I do the work, and you know that I don’t mean the day job, and while I’m not the best writer I WILL work harder than whoever that is. Honestly, those speeches must be getting to me because though I am the Cosmic Castaway, for now, it is somehow more than accepting Losers Always Try Their Best.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 036 ~ Remember This Is Your Creation~

Can I do better, considering I have three different worlds to live with, my writing, dealing with people, and wanting a blessed life for my dog, I’m busy but what will I create today? Remember This Is Your Creation.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Episode 036 ~ Remember This Is Your Creation~

Forty-Fourth Rule Madam Justice

Give Me One Reason and shall introduce you to my insanity, all of my writing, the little dog sleeping on my leg, my life, I wish I knew when somebody gave me the pencil and said get to work. Oh yeah, when I was a little kid and still I can’t help feeling like a child because every single time I say something I’m wrong, I wonder what my son honestly thinks about me, how much do I own outright and if that ain’t the American way my Madam Justice?

I’ve said this before that I don’t like using the word home because this isn’t my place and again I’m supposed to be grown, and yes home is where yadda, yadda, yadda but then what about my novel? Yeah, my characters are from all walks of life including myself, I’m always attempting to create another version of myself, and I can’t say I’m the best guy but what Alexa Bliss, Angie Griffin, Amber Hahn, Detroit: Become Human, to name a few. The new world comes into being upon the ashes of the old one, either if I’m burning my eye sockets from the screen, the ever-present glow, or wrapped up nice and toasty warm in my bed someday I think.

Speaking of ashes what about the mess, that’s what I’m good at, and the house isn’t looking too well with my exhaustion, but that’s what happens when you begin attempting to build something great. What about the fact that I want more kids, right now it’s my little boy and me. Creating, though I love my dog like pancakes only what about my life, again with the motivation, wanting to eat healthier, get my mind clearer. Feel Like Makin’ Love but It Takes Two that Madam Justice is creation, even God gave Adam his Eve okay maybe not a good example but do you blame the hand or the tools and no we are not getting into a discussion about the broke NRA, good news.

Creation, Madam Justice is a holy mission thus power, and how you know I want power above everything else, okay maybe not sleep but the dreams I create, not today though, no I experienced a terrible nightmare, but I did figure out what to tell Dear Future Wife and Dirty Diana. That is if I can hold onto to the blog you know the day is coming and strangely enough, rather than get my PS4 I want to save it, my brain, my ideas, soul… Remember This Is Your Creation.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 035 ~Willingness To Forget Rules~

How hard is it to forget about me, everybody else does it quickly enough, but even when I’m asleep, well I should be doing that now, but I’m always having dreams, creating goals, and making some rules. Willingness To Forget Rules.

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Episode 035 ~Willingness To Forget Rules~

To Will:
Give Me One Reason to, other than the fact that we want to prove we can learn something new every day and it’s already begun, yesterday was Thirty-Four that brings to mind two things, porn, and age. Speaking of forgetting things what about Rule 116 which states “Watching, Waiting, Hoping, Just Move,” and I know you’re exhausted, hell I only handled the first two hours, but it’s your world now “step up or step aside” hmm maybe you did get enough sleep Will?

Porno, panic, and peeing shouldn’t be your only reasons to get up though, despite everything what about puppy, purpose, and power, the things you never forget though agony is trumping everything at the moment. There are at least four rules that mention pain, and that gets us back to porn because clearly, you’re not enjoying your share of hurt and the only way you do enjoy it is inflicting it on others for a mutual pleasure eventually. I guess you have to think with something at the moment considering the big head is still in a fog but what about the promises, yeah I’ll stop any minute now, but you have those Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 008 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed, (Day 004 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed, (Dog Food Acquired But No Bath Or Pills)
3. I Will Tell Off Anyone That Calls Me Out My Name
Completed (At Work)
4. I Will Make It To The Library Five Days Minimum
Completed
5. I Will Post A Review For “Legacy of Succession” Anna Edwards
Completed
6. I Will Edit Three Chapters of “Apocalypse Rush”
Completed

Give myself a point for just being alive and everything else is 16.5 Points, yes I did the math and you know what I see, a sixty-seven, a D Will, and to think once upon a time I would be happy with a D, hell I am pleased with my D the thing is I know I fucked up. Every day propels us forward, didn’t I say I’d stop this but there is no rule against it, but there are rules about keeping it in your pants, being a good parent, wanting, demanding and promising to do better. As I said that’s how you know you fucked up, well I did, and it sucks that you always have to correct everything I’ve done but here’s to “doing” the right thing, don’t forget Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 004 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. I Will Not Take Shit From Anybody
4. I Will Make It To The Library And Starbucks
5. I Will Finish Reading The Art Of Peace by Morihei Ueshiba
6. I Will Edit Three Chapters of “Apocalypse Rush”

Your schedule is all sorts of hectic, you feel like Hell, and your feet are always hurting but forget all about that, hard right, humor, okay I get it maybe I have a problem, but I need to think about anything other than thirty-four because, well you know. All the things that you wish would fade away; still not over “The Darkest Minds,” yeah like “Detroit: Become Human” and wanting to sleep but always such a Willingness To Forget Rules.

I Will Have No Fear