Tag: Honesty

Chronicle 041 ~B Side Me Driving~

WillLeave a comment

Is there anything worse than being STUPID? I suppose being dead, but I know plenty of wise dead men. I sat beside one for 15 +years. But for his genius, he feared getting in the car. Hell, I’m 36 and will be 37 when again? B Side Me Driving

Wednesday, August 11, 2021

Chronicle 041 ~B Side Me Driving~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I’ve always debated whether I would ever drive again. Limos, have to come with drivers?

Now I’m not here to debate driverless cars. Dealing with one other driver was enough for me Monday. As I said, I’m not going to forget that ever. Which leads me to my first sin of what, today? I’ve had to commit several, which is why I’m talking on Tuesday. Driving is a necessary evil. I‘m not turning into Sheldon Cooper, considering I’ve been driving for decades… Jesus, what’s my age again? So my sin is not the fact that I could have hurt someone. I’m glad I didn’t, but I’ve cried more over B III than some old lady. My sin is the fact that I won’t get over my STUPIDITY. Reasons for Self-Harm 101 ahem, my father, Braxton, and everything I consider STUPID.

So the world is one gigantic torture chamber. I spoke about a lot of movies yesterday or today (Tuesday). I can’t watch any film that’s STUPIDITY for STUPIDITY’S sake. For the record, I wasn’t on my phone or anything when the collision happened. Blaming myself? I don’t even know if I should, though the lady seemed to think it was my fault. I didn’t claim guilt, but what I find fault in the fact that I still draw breath? The Day Job, the lady, the cop if dude decided to beat my black ass (dude didn’t). My Olds. Braxton’s Death. Inspector Echo, it’s all my fault, and I deserve to be punished. But like the song, “I said, he doesn’t look a thing like Jesus.”

Fuck me, I was a better driver with Braxton. I should have started a list of reasons I need him. I could sum that up in one word, LIFE. Save my Braxton, save the world. Speaking of yet another reason to like The Tomorrow War. By loving one beast, I could hate myself a little bit less. I’ve said it, as I hated the world and myself, that killed Braxton. Driving with him, seeing as he would never sit down, I had to slow down. I wasn’t rushing to get out of the way. While I wanted to get “home,” well, Braxton was my heart. Was I looking for a reason to finally face justice? I won’t ever be A-ok. But B Side Me Driving

192 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 040 ~B Team Breaking Down~

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Whenever Braxton and I had an accident, stepped on his paw, his nail stuck in a collar, the time he got smacked when I saw a bunch of bullies getting their asses kicked… It was only a matter of time I had an accident with people. B Team Breaking Down

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Chronicle 040 ~B Team Breaking Down~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and like most, I believe the world is still going to Hell. So I thought yesterday.

Talk to me, all you like about 2020. No, My Love, 2021 has been the worst year ever. It is beating out the year I was born. Now that’s saying a lot which reminds me I should call in about you know what, eww. I’m not getting any younger, and being an old man sucks. There’s a difference between being an old man, the old man, and your old man baby girl. Yesterday I realized how old I was, and we’ll get to that. It was so exhausting, my god. Can’t call me B’s old man, his daddy anymore though I continue to. The audacity. Every day My Love, I try to be like the man I was. No, that’s a lie. That’s forgetting Braxton.

What about forgetting any good driving record, sigh? Yesterday I… like last week I must be careful with my words. Okay, so yesterday afternoon I had a “car accident” with this lady. No injuries; my car seems okay. No harm, no foul; people being agreeable. Forgetfulness is not my strong suit when it comes to pain. THEY ask me about Braxton. Why can’t I “move on?” It’s been 191 Days since B left. Hell, yesterday, I used my pain over losing him to not think about the fender bender. Those tears washed away the fear. Of course, it hasn’t been 24 hours. So I’ve been using everything from Songbird to Succubus, followed by Strahovski. Why not lean on you, Love?

Well, you see what happened to Braxton. When it comes to my first family… yes, I’m being a dick here because I called my old man, and my Ma called a couple of hours later. So I learned like Scrooged ahem “Scrape ’em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself!” I hate that movie, by the way, or at least, think Groundhog Day is better. I prefer Happy Death Day, to be honest. What about Edge of Tomorrow since I’ve been all about The Tomorrow War? Anyway, my point is I don’t need anyone breaking down, breaking up, or just breaking because of me. With Braxton, I had to be strong because that’s his life. Only I’m broken, and it’ll take time, putting myself back together. B Team Breaking Down.

191 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 039 ~I Love You Has Flavors~

WillLeave a comment

And they call it puppy love, but Braxton was no puppy at fifteen, yet he’ll always be my baby. As far as other babes or whatever movie I happen to be watching… The Tomorrow War. How about the love of money? I Love You Has Flavors

Monday, August 9, 2021

Chronicle 039 ~I Love You Has Flavors~

Two-Hundredth Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Billionaire right now, but as The Beatles put it, “money can’t buy me love.” Only I know plenty of websites that disagree.

It’s been 190 days, and I don’t even want to think about love. I love that little doggie in the window. Which doggie, what window, you may ask. I answer, where have you been. Nobody loves me enough to read this, and no, I’m not complaining but stating the obvious. How I wish love could be so frivolous as to allow me to keep loving The Tomorrow War. It’s my Flavor of the Week, as it were. I can’t even watch it anymore, Amazon Prime. Finances have been a pain in my ass as I did them this Sunday afternoon. You know what that means. This week is going to be um eww and my usual blah, Olympics, the WWE. Books have been good though

My love of reading is nothing in comparison to that of B being here. Now I wouldn’t read my A.J. Markam title to him, but Chris Dietzel has been speaking to me. What do these authors have in common? Nothing? But my rage at myself and my desolation as well. Madam, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Braxton and I were aiming to be the next Dennis Hof and Domino. Of course, that type of lifestyle wasn’t about love. I did want to give him a mom and siblings. How dare I dream of such love without Braxton, sigh. Braxton loved a daddy he would never see in this life. But somebody said that love can’t tell time, hmm.

Nine weeks, nine months, until his bucket finally runs out of treats. What about those hotdogs I never eat or all that cheese? How about forgetting to fill Braxton’s water? Madam, if it ain’t the time, then it’s the expense. Hell, I had a woman offering me another Chihuahua, but I couldn’t do it. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I looked at prices. Astronomical. For me anyway, and I am not a billionaire yet? Maybe when I fill in the application form at some of these places. My words murder my heart, ha. Torture, why M Anime likes me? It’s strange to think there is so much love in the world, but I’d instead be walking Braxton singing It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp. Life’s harder when I Love You Has Flavors.
190 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 038 ~Closing Time Will B~

WillLeave a comment

Closing time for the Olympics. After the Opening Ceremony and trying for two days… yeah, if I didn’t close my eyes to sleep (not that I was bored). I was exhausted, but that didn’t stop me from watching YouTube or seeing my son. “Closing Time Will B”

Sunday, August 8, 2021

Chronicle 038 ~Closing Time Will B~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and it’s a little bit funny that you think you can get on my level, day one.

I suppose I should be proud that you dragged your pathetic ass out of bed and to the table. Now I don’t mean to be so cranky considering my failures in the last week. I envy you that you won’t have to slog through the week I did. Of course, I know you’ll feel the same. So how are you right now? That eye a bother, sigh. I did what I could, ok, so I fucked-up. Is your tongue still on fire? As I was telling Lady Lu, at least at this stage, it’s not COVID. You don’t know how to explain it when you gather your strength to move. Wakefulness is something to be treasured. Although failures become more prominent, um Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, The Last Voter, A Great De-Evolution Novelette, Chris Dietzel, Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Speaking of what you’ve been seeing since you awoke, do you intend to watch the Olympic Closing Ceremony? You could do that now, and you should with the week you’re about to face. You’re going to need all the sleep you can get these days. Maybe you’ll learn about closing something other than your eyes. Haven’t we talked about having a problem with closure as though you’re Sheldon Cooper? It’s one of the reasons you’re not in the ground yet. How about sitting right next to B III, you think? Don’t think you’re forgetting about him anytime soon. It’s why, like it or not, I was searching for other levels of pain. What you did to him was a Circle Nine Sin. Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus 5 (Hardcore Dungeon Core) – A LitRPG Series
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

Hell, if you were to do these things, would that earn absolution, salvation? How about joining Braxton. As I said yesterday. Be careful with the language as people do SUCK. Today you should be much further ahead. But I did receive some news the other day, and as much as you deserve judgment, I was trying to keep you out of jail. Cell door closing. How long has B’s box remained closed? One more thing for the memorial list, hmm? “Stuff And Thangs” should be closed since I doubt you’ll be doing anything this week. What about closing your bed as in making it up to resist such incredible temptation. The sweet temptation to close your eyes yet you always see. Closing Time Will B

189 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 035 ~You B Leap It~

WillLeave a comment

Might as well jump as the song goes. I do that a lot for and at the Day Job. I would jump to plenty when B III was still around. Now I barely crawl out of bed, and I’m “lucky” if I don’t go tripping down the stairs. Will I learn to fly? You B Leap It

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Chronicle 035 ~You B Leap It~

186 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Believe it or not, Wednesday wasn’t half bad. Of course, I got a half-day somehow.

I’m sorry about my, let’s say, baby language or garbled, terrible “puns.” I wish I could tell you about anything, period B III. What is it with Olds that makes us switch how we speak in an instant? So I recall when you weren’t much taller than my shoe. Yet I jumped, I leaped B. Even when you weren’t my son? I didn’t mean to go all “Billie Jean” there, but you know what I mean. When my sister was busy doling out orders because she had so much to do. It went from “let me sleep” to carrying you around. My Olds wanted to show their home, and I didn’t have your leash, and people wanted to see the house. You jump, I jump.

Braxton, you jumped so high, you made it all the way to Heaven, the Rainbow Bridge, wherever. I was at the Day Job today, again Wednesday, but always I feel like I’ll be scared to death. I’m getting old in the world myself and wouldn’t mind dying on the fly. However, I know you don’t like me talking like that. How do THEY say if your friends jumped off a bridge… I don’t know if I’d follow Carolina Bound or M Anime but for you. There’s a reason I keep you above the weapons and by the closet. WWBD, always. Thursday, what would Braxton do? Now that’s something I should have jumped at, sooner, like Monday of YOUR last week. How about after your appointment?

I didn’t jump to the worse conclusion until the vet was calling me that Friday. I didn’t leap from my seat. I was nowhere near high enough to punch God in the face before asking him to save you. I wasn’t rich enough; I didn’t leap into action. There’s nothing. Only the “Space In Between Us.” B III I wanted to be an astronaut when I was young. When I got older, I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Yesterday I talked about all I wanted. Funny that I can tell you more about the circles of Hell than anything in Heaven, my B III. You weren’t here when I finished Jacob’s series. Do you think I’ll fly to you someday? You B Leap It

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 034 ~B Leave, You Asked~

WillLeave a comment

I shouldn’t jinx myself on wanting to be a father. 15 years ago, I didn’t know what I wanted, and now seven months later, I’m not sure what I’ve got. I know I’d give these days back for Braxton. Only this is “my” life. “B Leave, You Asked” but didn’t

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

Chronicle 034 ~B Leave, You Asked~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and before you get on me about the title… Let’s not talk about the Basic Bitch.

Remember “Autumn Leaves,” that’s how this blog got up in the first place. Braxton leaves too, well, on Sunday, January 31, 2021. A day which will live in infamy, as does this fact. I never asked to be Braxton’s Daddy. Don’t get me wrong, Echo, B blessed me 15 years. Only I never asked for him. That’s what I was musing about at the Day Job today. Johnny Cash sings in HURT, “What have I become.” He never asked for such a life, I take it. How about Kid Rock’s ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY? “You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.” Did he ask for the life he made? A life decision; what he asked? I didn’t ask for Braxton.

While I was humiliated yet again, “Tuesday,” I wasn’t asking for ideas. Who would ask to waste their life at my Day Job for a decade, and yet there I was. Inspector, here I am. Dammit, who would ask to be sitting here in bed with no signs of a future? Let’s keep the tunes running with R. Kelly’s I WISH. “Y’all look at me and say, boy, you’ve been blessed. But y’all don’t see the inside of my unhappiness.” I keep saying Inspector who asked. Should I say it was Braxton because it didn’t matter to him as long as we were together, Echo? It wasn’t his choice to die. I made that decision, and I didn’t ask. Asking to be a murderer?

That’s why I should be quiet? No, because when I am, life gives me all these things I didn’t ask for. At the same time, if I open my mouth to speak, what good is accomplished? Wanting a job to hold me over when I’m asking for time and again what do I do with it. Well, I’m still talking to you when I should be reading because I’m damn exhausted. Looking for something to do so I got someone to love. Yeah, I was looking for Yabbos for one night, and instead, I got four paws sharing my bed for 15 years. Fuck some Yabbos. Hell, if Braxton wanted anything, it would be for me to give up sleep. I couldn’t. B Leave, You Asked.

185 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 033 ~B Leave Another Second~

WillLeave a comment

I still talk to B every day. On Thursday, I write him a “letter.” Even when he was here, I’m not sure he understood, but at least he listened. Is it too much to ask to think a woman will allow me the same and not at the end? “B Leave Another Second.”

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Chronicle 033 ~B Leave Another Second~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which puts me in a higher tax bracket than Mark Wahlberg. Just give me a second.

More like an hour or half, two to three, right? I’ve been watching a lot of “bad” movies these days. Spontaneous, Army of the Dead, Werewolves Within, The Tomorrow War. Now I’m looking into something I haven’t seen in years, The Happening. That scares me. Not the movie My Love, but I was thinking about something at “work” today. How dare I call it work; I love what I do now. It’s not like I’m working the Day Job (shudders). Anyway, look at all these movies and tell me what one common element they share. Final words, from the lovers, daddy and daughter, monster and man. Past dad and future daughter, then husband and wife. Except at the end of The Happening, they didn’t die.

Are we dying, My Love, because of B? I’m not blaming him. You know I’m a firm believer in the idea of challenging somebody on their pet. Baby, I love you but leave me the fuck alone when it comes to B III. You wouldn’t have stood a chance. 15 years, 15 years, Baby. So again, I’m at “work,” but listening to my B III playlist and the lyrics are getting to me. In particular, it was something to the tune of, I can’t take back the words I never said. I was reminded of watching Braxton. In all of 5 minutes and what I said to him. Baby Doll, I told B III I was sorry, I love you, and finally, I said goodbye.

And that right there is what I want you to hear. I told my best friend, my son, goodbye. I killed him and told him it was okay. Braxton could go because I didn’t want him to hurt anymore. You know what, I didn’t ask him, My Love, you know what you hear. Stay! Darling, stay with me. That’s what I want from you. There’s nothing that would make me abandon our family. I haven’t been to Vietnam or Iraq. Again, you know what I want from this life Love. I’ll be damned if I have a daughter like Muri Forester hating me for years. What I’m asking… a second. One I couldn’t Braxton but Have A Little Faith In Me. B Leave Another Second.

184 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 032 ~Sweat, Blood, Learn To Swim~

WillLeave a comment

There’s always talk of sweat, blood, and tears to get anywhere in life. Who knew by this time I would have more than enough tears. And “his” blood that rests on my hands. As far as sweat… I could use more but the Day Job? Sweat, Blood, Learn To Swim.

Monday, August 2, 2021

Chronicle 032 ~Sweat, Blood, Learn To Swim~

Hundred And Ninety-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which can buy a lot of towels. Hell, dry off in cash. I never learned to swim.

That’s because I rather stay in bed. As Eric Thomas would say, you’re given twenty-four hours, and what did you do with it? Cried about B, of course, on what’s now Day 183. Grumbled, Groaned, and Growled about today… (it’s still Sunday.) Isn’t Time Travel great? I’m not upset about grieving. That’s not going away anytime soon. And the only thing making me hot, because I’m not going outside… Yeah, by the time this is up, my blood will be boiling. Should I also add how disgusted I am with myself? I think I might vomit. Bathing is a good idea. But with all the “dicking” around, I have to do. I should stop using that word. Yeah, Madam. Go back to being a monk.

Return to some form of “atonement” as Braxton’s blood still rests on my hands. The definition of insanity. I continue to cry, but tears won’t do anything. Braxton’s still dead. The ink I spilled throughout his book “My Turn to B III” did nothing. Not that I expected it to. You must admit that there was some sweat there. I put in the work, exhausted, except that I always am. I’ve even turned to chocolate like I’m some girl. Yeah, that might have been sexist. Anyway, I was at the store the other day but not singing in the rain. Madam, I was only making more excuses. If anything, they are the one thing that is keeping me afloat. Braxton was my life preserver, Madam.

Too soon, brave captain to lose him. You know how I would tell Braxton that line from “Battle For The Planet of the Apes.” One day you will be as tall as a king. Yes, from my ankles to the couch. To the bed, in my heart on my shoulder, in my head, damn Rainbow Bridge. I’m the one that can’t stand tall anymore. I’m the one who once again falls into the bed as I did when I failed Braxton. I’m the one who bends the knee to a Day Job I abhor; who’s treated like slime and muck. Let me stop with the “I’m the one.” That’s Tony Baker Comedy. Talk about someone coming up swimming. Not me. Sweat, Blood, Learn To Swim.

183 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 031 ~B There Tomorrow Will~

WillLeave a comment

Since I wasn’t working all night on “My Turn to B III,” I helped myself to a movie, just what I needed a father losing his kid (oops.) I’m not looking forward to this week, when have I ever because I know. “B There Tomorrow Will.”

Sunday, August 1, 2021

Chronicle 031 ~B There Tomorrow Will~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I know that you wouldn’t be worried about Space if you were. No, you’d Time Travel.

It’s no secret that I don’t think of the consequences of my actions many a time. Last night I saw “The Tomorrow War” (thanks M Anime, ha). Now you’re the one that has to think about it for the next week or so. Better than a new month of treats lying in B III’s room. Even more so, that the week that lies before you. It will be one of those. I’m so sorry, bro. So what’s with the bro? While we’re on pop culture, I finished reading Succubus Lord. Will you watch Werewolves Within? I wonder what time you’ll find your bed, bro hmm? Everything reminds you of Braxton. That’s something that’s not going to change any time soon, like these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Succubus Lord 18 (Succubus Lord #19) by Eric Vall
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL Finish Braxton’s Novel (Yet To Be Titled)
    Completed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Well, two of them will, at least. Again no more Succubus Lord and I didn’t leave you with the failure of Braxton’s Novel, “My Turn to B III.” There is only that of watching your son die at all. Once more, with the time machine. If you could go back and save B III’s life? Chris Pratt “Dan Forester” knew he was saving his daughter’s life after… should I say it? I’ll show the video anyway. Jacob and Todd got the happy ending. Jacob is The Master of All Creation, and Todd rules the Third Circle of Hell with Zoey. I’m just full of endings. You’ll know the ending of Werewolves Within soon. I think you have a problem with closure like Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, The Last Voter, A Great De-Evolution Novelette, Chris Dietzel
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

It’s your endings, at least. The motivations talk about, if you believe the future will be no better than the past, you won’t want to leave your sheets in the AM ever. Case and point, where are you right now? I failed in the past, and now how does your future look? Yep, it sucks. For once, it’s not fear that stops you. It is experience. It’s what has you plotting how to get out of a particular shift this week. Because you don’t want to be some good-for-nothing fucktard… pardon my language. You can’t do something Day Job wise, yet you dream of better. I don’t know what answers to give you… Stay Alive. Only for what, always for B? B There Tomorrow Will

182 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 028 ~Million B’s To Ehh~

WillLeave a comment

It’s written that brevity is the soul of wit. With B III’s statute, should I have written a “short” story? So, I’m not funny, but I’m not a lot of things. I’m only human after all, and hopefully, I’ll have 50,000 words saying what? Million B’s To Ehh

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Chronicle 028 ~Million B’s To Ehh~

179 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My day has been pretty busy writing, but of course, you’ve seen my condition before.

Well, um, I’m a bit worse for wear. I even talked to your aunt this evening, and she had to make sure I was eating. I’m not bathing, and I have barely made it out of bed, but again, you know I’m talking to you late. Past 8:30, so you should have your meds, Braxton. Speaking of some medication, I should probably take something myself. I already cleaned out those Jell-O shots. Now, how many times have you seen me drunk? You remember what that’s like. Remember the time you had the tick in your ear, and I carried you. Braxton, you couldn’t even get off the bed; that brings me right back to today. Tomorrow should be better, B. I’ll be finishing your novel.

I know what you’re thinking. For all the times I participated in NaNoWriMo, and you had to sit here and watch. I’ve written about 500,000 words total, and that’s with all of them. At 50,000 words each, that’s about ten books. In treats and French Fries, that’s not a lot. Braxton, if I had published and was successful, well, it would be all you can eat for yourself. I swear, B, I would buy a franchise and let you hang out. With that cute face of yours, let them try to complain about health codes. Or does a vest work in these situations, you think? I thought writing this book would be easier because I didn’t have to look up much of anything. Our lives.

You know how I say BLM, Braxton’s Life Matters. All about you, B, and if I wasn’t a disappointing enough Daddy, I’m a crappy writer. I’m always down, especially now, not that your story isn’t compelling. If anything, I only want to do it justice, and so far, B III. Hell, I was reading over it all day today. Well, I realized there is still a lot that’s left unsaid. Either that or I repeat myself again and again. The truth, what happened doesn’t change. Even if I were Shakespeare reincarnated, it wouldn’t help if I never share your story. This might even be the last page of it, Braxton. Reincarnation huh? I was saying I didn’t know why I wrote. Million B’s To Ehh

Always and Forever,
Your Dad