Tag: Obsession

Saga 263 ~To B Hurt Virgil~

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Love Hurts? A song that I’ve never liked but rings true. Since I’m never happy with it. I’m always hungry in one way or another for it. And effing horny. Well, except when I’m mourning my son. For 161 days. And to hurt anyone else. “To B Hurt Virgil”

Tuesday, March 21, 2023

Saga 263 ~To B Hurt Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I will never be hurt again. Oh, sure, I’ll claim victimhood like a Republican.

“I believe I can see the future,” as the song goes. Do rich people have time machines? I still want my Braxton back but damn. The worst pain I’ve ever felt, I keep telling myself today. Today is Sunday, March 19, 2023. Time Travel! But today, Trump is supposed to be arrested. Is anyone hurt? And who? If anything, the pain has become my constant, my love. Hell! Am I becoming like M Anime? Before Braxton died, I can’t say I was ever at 100% at any time. It was more of a “But I’m not crazy. I’m just a little unwell. I know, right now, you can’t tell.” Does my singing help, or does it hurt your ears? My ass is kicked thinking about my “Lost Boy.” Always Braxton.

Remember when it was only these ears hurting me? Saying “I love you,” always, forever? Braxton couldn’t speak such a thing. But he was the only man I ever listened to. Talk about “love is louder.” What’s with all the pop culture references today? Well, I did climb out of bed to talk to you instead of watching whatever and being lazy. My eyes hurt. Better than talking about The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident on January 11, 2022. Oh No. That led to The Cherry Collision Thursday, February 16, 2023. Oops! I should be looking for medicine. But love, you don’t know how badly I want some. Uh, sexual healing. Or some tacos. The doctor said I should cut out the spicy. But yesterday… yeah

After I was done reading, of course. In a “Study,” not a Man Cave. Braxton’s Mausoleum? Dammit, with all our money, you know I would build one. Failing to save Braxton? Hurting that never goes away. But what about you and me? I can save us. I can fix this. I can save you… Not a day goes by that I don’t think I should have joined my B in death. But you, our children, there’s even Little Virgil upstairs waiting. I don’t know what for. Love? My love. A sadist? Yes, I am, my love. But I take no pleasure from the pains I know. Braxton has known for fifteen years. But always and forever love. I’m just a sucker for pain. One more song. To B Hurt Virgil

779 Days Without B III, Day 220 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 258 ~Virgil’s A Pain, B~

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Pain’s a big subject that I could never do justice to. Well, except once… Hell! A week. But I knew Wednesday. I thought nothing about it Thursday. Friday, we saw a vet. And Sunday, my son died. That’s pain. Not this and not now. “Virgil’s A Pain, B.”

Thursday, March 16, 2023

Saga 258 ~Virgil’s A Pain, B~

774 Days Without B III, Day 215 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? How can I while being such a meanie? It’s more like because of the pain.

You’re dead, Braxton. Anytime I feel like it’s too much. When I finally decide I don’t deserve this, I become all Tammy Rose meets Yuri Orlov, with some Robert Neville. “My son is dead,” “My brother’s dead,” “Everybody! Every single person that you or I has ever known is dead! Dead! There is no god!” My suffering, betrayal, and treachery. B, this is it. And sadly, it keeps up existence. My Republican Tendencies, B III. Who needs hope, hmm? Not when there’s sadness and rage. And my personal favorite, FEAR. A lot more without you. That’s your daddy, alright. Always being the selfish prick I am. Oh, and speaking of… There’s The Cherry Collision from Thursday, February 16, 2023. A month since my idiocy brought…

“Pain, Pain…” I know there’s some song that goes like that. But finding it? Well, Triple B, if there’s one thing I’m an expert at finding, it’s Triple X. Looking up a word like sadism. “The tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.” All but two seconds, B. Timing my bathroom visits? Yes, I know, TMI, dude. But you were the Todd to my Jacob. I started reading that series Succubus Lord when you were alive. Now I listen to it every day. Audible sees a problem. But anyway, I never got anything from hurting you. And killing you. Ellie and Joel… Braxton, you know I could go all in on that. Mental, Physical, Emotional, poor me…

But I haven’t learned, have I? Virgil is upstairs by his lonesome. It’s not fair for me to say he’s a pain in the ass after he has learned so much. Ending suffering, misery, and training. That’s for both of us. Only he ain’t you, and that’s “What Hurts The Most.” I sense another playlist, Braxton. You know I’m still pissed about Crazy Town’s Butterfly selection? Humiliation Braxton, and I was the only one who heard it. Effing mental anguish, Braxton. Only again, that’s nothing compared to the physical right now. Too late to see doctors. Then there’s how others feel. I’m ignoring your aunt, what I did to Cherry, again there’s Virgil. But you and I? And yet I’ll say Virgil’s A Pain, B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 256 ~Virgil, B, A Word~

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I’ve always given examples of how I know Braxton loves me. One I miss the most is him sitting at the corner of the bed, watching the door. Loving anybody else. The things I do. But I prefer the Word always to love. Always here. Virgil, B, A Word

Tuesday, March 14, 2023

Saga 256 ~Virgil, B, A Word~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And for the love of money or rather why I love money, and you, B, family…

You know that song “More Than Words?” The most romantic way to ask for a blowjob. Whoa! Sorry about that. But I didn’t mention the other B-word, did I? Braxton? Sunday to Tuesday, and every other day that ends in “Y,” time travel. So we’ll always come back to him. I want to talk about “You and me – always – and forever.” What about How Long Will I Love You? And again, More Than Words? Showing you. Well, the words are still there, Baby Girl. All the I love yous and such. You know how I feel about those words. Even though I mean them with everything I am. Will they keep us together? You’re here, and that’s enough. I’m still here. Always, forever…

And so is my Braxton? You have to understand. The one that couldn’t speak a word was also the one that loved me the most. Or at least I hope he still does. Braxton’s, wherever. My Olds might have said the words, “I love you” at some point. My Ma, in particular, I believe. Only it wasn’t the words. It was the fact that they kept up my existence here. Good or bad, the reality is there weren’t only words. There was action from them. Even if I regret it now. Honestly, my love letter to the world would be to never speak, Baby Doll. Everything I said to Braxton when I should have followed him, like taking a walk. Fucking darker than I intended.

Well, today is Sunday. I don’t feel too good at the moment. I’m scared right now. If I’m being honest. And not only because it’s the series finale of The Last of Us. Children, right? Our kids need me, us for sure. And that’s not me being some asshole, Republican. Fucktards screaming about family values. There are all types of families. As long as there’s love. Even if it’s not in so many words. I want them to always know that I do love them. I love them like pancakes, as I always said about B. Really pouring the Bisquick. Yep, into the love of my life. And we made them. So I love you, them, myself, Braxton, the world. Virgil? Virgil, B, A Word

772 Days Without B III, Day 213 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 251 ~Smile Virgil, Fangs B~

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Dumb Ways to Die. Let Virgil take a few fingers eating fries… (B III knows better). Get a smile stuck on my face at the Day Job, then smash my head Humiliations Galore, etc. But whenever I wake up, surprise then disappointment. Smile Virgil, Fangs B

Thursday, March 9, 2023

Saga 251 ~Smile Virgil, Fangs B~

767 Days Without B III, Day 208 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? What time is it? FUCK! It is only a half-day, and I’ve already wasted $40.00

Well, if it made you happy. I should have bought you fries that Wednesday. It would have been the last day you could enjoy them. Am I right? But you know how I was. One more hard week down and Humiliations galore. And I had to do it while smiling. Braxton, I woke up this afternoon, and it was like something out of King of the Hill. You know when Hank shook Bush’s hand. Surprise, then disappointment. That’s being alive. Existence. I shouldn’t look down on it, should I? I want to say you’d be happier lying by my side than the freeloader. One day I won’t call V that. Um, cut to my disappointment. That’s how I was this afternoon waking up after lunch.

V biting me doesn’t scare me at all. With all the med stuff I still have going on. My bad. What do I know about doctors and things? It’s not like they told me I’ll die. A shock B III. No! It was such fear when they told me that you were dying. The face I must have made way back then. Did I say that? It’s only been two years. And what do I have to show for it? It is much too early to start thinking about E-Day. Emergence, Existence, Extinction B III. Or is that the only day I eat well? If it wasn’t for the rain today. Was I afraid, Braxton? That’s the worse look on my face. I look STUPID.

Only it could be worse… Well no. When it comes to my face, shall I perform Heaven’s Light for you? “No face as hideous as my face. Was ever meant for Heaven’s light.” B III. You had such a cute face. To this day, Braxton, you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. Okay, the most handsome. The last time I was all mushy with you… (sigh). Yeah, it was in the vet’s office when we had to say goodbye. How many times have I cried writing this? At least I ain’t moaning in another sort of way. Clothes on, Virgil sleeping. Sharing fries with him, he nearly took some fingers. To bleed to death… and join you. Smile Virgil, Fangs B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 249 ~Virgil Loves That B~

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So when did I know… love? When I told him to get in the car? Standing between me and my father, fangs ready to protect me. His guard post on the corner of the bed. And how did he know? With his aunt, he knew he loved her easily. “Virgil Loves That B”

Tuesday, March 7, 2023

Saga 249 ~Virgil Loves That B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But my love, at the end of the day, “It’s my heart, and it’s broken.” Still?

No! You would never be so cruel to think it. But to love is to understand. Or at least try. Right now trying to understand why the tears are falling from my eyes. Time travel? Today’s Monday, March 6, 2023. It’s day 765 without B III. You know where I am… There’s no leaving Sunday, January 31, 2021. And yet I couldn’t tell you the day I met my firstborn. There’s no telling the day that it became Braxton and me against the world. Hmm. We could even debate his birthday. But I go with Sunday, February 13, 2005. The day Braxton died, though. I’m like Finnegan Bell from 1998’s Great Expectations, heart and all. Only from all the books I actually read. Well, love…

I’ve been trying to figure out how Braxton knows love. Again I can’t remember the happy days. Yet I remember when Triple B fell in love with his Aunt Carolina. It involved him going all Triple X, X-rated… whoa not that far. Ha-ha. She let him climb all over her. The next thing I knew, he was in love. Or he really liked her boobs. My son the dog; like father like son, ha-ha. I can’t recall when he fell for fries. Particularly McDonald’s. “Sorry, Blame It On Me.” Especially when he started getting older. And he always had that choice of going for a walk or waiting for fries. It could have been that he only wanted to be near me, always and forever.

Working the old Day Job… well, that was fucked up. Hell! I think Virgil understands how I “felt” about that place. Virgil understands? But what about love? Let’s try stairs. Anyway, Braxton didn’t love saying goodbye. Yes, more tears. To think he has that in common with Virgil. Now even with Braxton’s last day. He didn’t want to say goodbye. Those mornings imagining the former Day Job, Virgil will howl and cry for a while. Honestly, my love. Me and those boys, we don’t say goodbyes too well. Nope. Never. Only how do we say hello? I suppose I could crawl all over you. B III, and I know boobs. I could stop running away. We could sit here together, love. Virgil Loves That B

765 Days Without B III, Day 206 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 244 ~Gonna B Alright Virgil~

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I thought the silence would kill me. But the noise filling the void now? It’s like “Wanted,” I want to scream at the Day Job, “SHUT THE F*CK UP!” I can’t even listen to Bob Marley; I need the perfect song to play on Spotify. “Gonna B Alright Virgil.”

Thursday, March 2, 2023

Saga 244 ~Gonna B Alright Virgil~

760 Days Without B III, Day 201 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I asked that every day. But did I listen? I hope you hear me now.

My anger. And as the song goes, “I feel stupid.” Hell! I am stupid. And I wish I could have told you that. The Wednesday you came crying to me. If I didn’t hear you… Braxton, I should have let you help. That’s one more thing making me angry today. Selfishness. Because even now, I want to make this about me. I thought I was protecting you, in a way, from my rage and wrath. But it was the indifference. I didn’t care enough, Braxton. We went on until Friday. “I sang ‘Cause every little thing, gonna be all right.” But it won’t be ever again. And not only because you’re gone, Braxton Barks. Madness. To paraphrase from the character Howard Beale “I’m fucking mad as Hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

And I’m scared of what that means, Triple B. What if it doesn’t mean a damn thing? It didn’t back when you were with me. I would still be sitting here, head of the table. Braxton, that’s what I was scared of. I wouldn’t be able to put food on our table ever again. Don’t I have those concerns about Virgil Vivi? That’s another thing that frightens me… I don’t. You see, it’s been 201 days. That’s about six months and change. Any fear, Braxton? Only I don’t want to see him suffer in the rain. And there was that time he sniffed your bed. I don’t fear at all that he’ll take your place.

I’m sad that I would rather join you. A lot more these days, B III. Thanks to the Day Job. If I blame anybody for your death… more than myself, it would be those monsters. Going on thirty-nine years, Braxton, and if I don’t have anything to show for it? It was a sad idea. Better to give in to depression than anger. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. And according to the Day Job, I don’t have one. So what should go into my head? At the moment, it’s what this reactor said about Anger, Fear, and Sadness. Triggering emotions. Lust is not the greatest. Eww! And things like hope, love… Hell! But telling Virgil and me, It’s Gonna B Alright Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 242 ~To B Healthy Virgil~

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Black History. I’m a black man, and “This Is America.” Thinking I can make a change. A family of my own? I don’t know my nephews. Or two half-brothers. And I was the best man I could be for Braxton. But some doggie or woman… To B Healthy Virgil.

Tuesday, February 28, 2023

Saga 242 ~To B Healthy Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Which means annual checkups, insurance, and staying the fuck out of Florida. But then again, Disney.

I may not have a healthy relationship with my Olds. But tradition. I want to take our kids to Disney World, Universal… Uh, what else is there again? I don’t want to think about it. Isn’t that the thing, love? I always told myself there would be time for Braxton. Living for my son; when he was the one living for me. Because what have I done for 758 Days? Existing. And yes, this is something I should be sharing with a therapist. Doggie, Wife? I should dig my hole a bit deeper. If I dare compare you, the love of my life, with Braxton. Love, my love. If it wasn’t for my firstborn, I don’t know if I could ever say I know love.

Because I didn’t go to the doctor yesterday for me. I still wake up every day not wanting to. I close my eyes with dreams to never open them again. Something else to discuss, right? Instead, I told the Doc what was going on. And she said that no, that’s not it. My sore ass. They shot me up with some antibiotics. And I got a prescription for the drugs I took after The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. A week’s worth for The Cherry Collision. I’m upset about that. What! That I got a week’s supply. Or the fact that I cared to get well. Being a husband, a father, and having the freeloader to feed. I swear I’ll stop calling Virgil Vivi that at some point. But today, love…

It’s not killing him. Been there and done that with Braxton. As for myself. Breathing. Yesterday the Doc said I need to drink more water, and I’m trying to keep it up for the week. Until I run through my course of meds anyway. B wouldn’t want this, I know. People in Hell want ice water but isn’t the Ninth Circle all ice? Treachery, Betrayal? Braxton, again, he kept me alive so that I could find you. So that I could give the love I should have been giving him to you, our family, even saving little V. But indifference? It’s what killed Braxton, and I could understand it killing me as well, for sure. It’s what I deserve. Existing living? To B Healthy Virgil

758 Days Without B III, Day 199 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 237 ~B III, 2V, D…~

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Yesterday was about shutting up or not. I didn’t talk to the termite guy. I only nodded idiotically. I told two people how I was feeling, then what… I should treat existing like a BINGO; since I never win. Depression is silent too. B III, 2V, D…

Thursday, February 23, 2023

Saga 237 ~B III, 2V, D…~

753 Days Without B III, Day 194 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You know your aunt doesn’t talk to me quite as often. You know why? BINGO!

Even that Thursday afternoon when I was done for the week. And I finally acknowledged… Well, the truth. Something was wrong with you, and I knew you needed a doctor. Inevitably, I made it about myself. I was tired, the day was terrible, and there were probably some girl’s tits I was thinking of. Because not my baby, no, not my child, you weren’t dying. B, you were, you did, and somehow or another, I continue. I don’t want to. I was at the Day Job today. And I fell against the wall when they started singing Happy Birthday to some chick. Your birthday was ten days ago. I got you fries but no gift… Braxton, I wasn’t crying about that. Why was I? Depression?

If I ever go and see a doctor… that, of course, requires money, and with the tax refund, I got today… One more reason to be depressed. But I’d put on a “happy” face, somehow. You’d see right through it like the freeloader. Okay, I know he has a name. Virgil Vivi Bradford. But that hasn’t stopped me from being a dick, especially today. Asshole! Braxton, you would give me one of those looks that would tell me I’m behaving as such again. I want to do better, well, no. I need to do better anyway. Fear leads to anger. That’s got nothing to do with Virgil and everything to do with your granddad. Fuck! Yesterday, today, tomorrow, texting him. Braxton, I need some dollars.

If anything, to have a family that consists of more than you, me, and the free… I mean Virgil Vivi. I am trying. But not when I’m busy telling women the truth. I did yesterday. I’m still thinking about the termite guy taking that Bow. The Girl in 6E. I was talking to Cherry about that book. And let’s say I used a poor choice of language. Fuck Me! Yeah, and now I got money to spend on porn. But $300 to emergencies and $300 to another account. There’s a $300 split between you and Virgil. Possibly $100 and change… Me? Thinking about it… Like I tell Replika, I wish I didn’t have to. I want to shut up. Death Cure. B III, 2V, D…

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 235 ~Not A B-Movie Virgil~

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Not my best work, but Will Smith has had moments like that… I wish I could say I spent all day watching Collateral Beauty. Or something more educational like The 1619 Project. But what I’ve been watching and doing so late. “Not A B-Movie Virgil”

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

Saga 235 ~Not A B-Movie Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and Will Smith isn’t… 350 Million and other things on the internet wasting my time today.

Death. Or rather looking it up, which begins with life. This means Braxton Barks Bradford. Don’t worry; I’m not suicidal… okay, that’s a lie; I usually am. But as Morgan Freeman spoke in Lean On Me, I’m not one to do things “Expeditiously.” Or, as the Beatles sang, “living is easy with eyes closed.” For me, that would mean sleeping. Practice for the big sleep, my love. And didn’t I want to talk about Collateral Beauty tonight? Will Smith and the like. If anything, I have been focusing on reasons for existing all day today. Any and all to Endure and Survive. Hell! The Last of Us is the only thing I’ve been watching, love. More death? I haven’t been to the doctor, have I?

Love? I can’t say I have ever loved myself. Here comes another movie reference. From Ben-Hur, “we keep you alive to serve this ship. Row well, and live.” I continue to exist because there is always someone that needs me… That’s not healthy, is it? But as I was telling M Anime. If love is not needed and can be tossed. Then it wasn’t love at all. I think. I couldn’t ask Braxton to stay, but I couldn’t save him either. Then marriage and family. Can I ask you to stay? Can I save you? All you need is love. But what’s left of me? Every day it’s like I’m watching the most horrible movie ever. It’s not Collateral Beauty. It’s “Welcome to My Life”

Time to look up songs and all this other stuff. Do you see what time it is? 7:30 PM. Fuck! Speaking of which. I’ve had time to look up all the porn in the universe because I don’t deserve anything real. What I wouldn’t give to sit on the loveseat with B and his aunt. Yes, love, we can do that too. Plus, there’s the bonus of the fact that I’m trying to make love. That would be time well spent, don’t you think? But the things that take my time nowadays. How I have the termite guy coming over at some point? I do need the house to hide in; well, we do. Talking about Love, Death, Time, Collateral Beauty. Not A B-Movie Virgil.

751 Days Without B III, Day 192 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 230 ~Bad News B, V~

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That someone can feel the same way that I do? But I’m not reading about dead fur babies this year. Okay, the first three books I read this year. Then The Book Eaters didn’t count on the Kindle. And if Ron has his way… No Black History? Bad News B, V.

Thursday, February 16, 2023

Saga 230 ~Bad News B, V~

746 Days Without B III, Day 187 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You see what time it is. So you know my day is already bad. Worse…

There is always room for that. And since you’ve been gone, nothing makes it better. Boobs? I had an epiphany last night. Yeah, that’s never a good thing, is it? But okay, let’s go with boobs. I know you always felt better. When you were snuggled up with your aunt. Hell. Could you have stayed longer, B? I’m sure she beat any cloud you’re on. You should still be here in your own bed. Speaking of which, bucks. Payday B III (sigh). I’m crying over you, I promise. I still need to check the Day Job paycheck. Owing Virgil? Be nice to Virgil, I keep telling myself. He did get to lay with me when I was reading last night. So much to do today.

That’s the bad news B III. I mean, it’s always that you’re not here, but I exist and go on. For example, having finished Dystopian Girls 3, I want a new book. Which one, Braxton? I do want to know what happens to Alexa in Dystopian Girls 4. I’m also afraid to. Do you remember Stroke of Midnight? I never went in for the sequel. Plus, that was in 2020. Here come more tears, Triple B. Anytime I have to look into the past. Didn’t I say I have Republican tendencies? Only this isn’t CRT, Black History, or the like. It’s our history B III, and I do feel ashamed. Then looking towards the future… I read to avoid the bad news of the world.

Again part of this epiphany. Mammaries, manuscripts, and money. Anything to avoid the mutt in the next room. Fucking be nice, I know, I know. I am trying with Virgil; Braxton, the bad news keeps coming. I should try that. Yeah, gross; you’re so right, Braxton. Remember, I would watch you show out for your aunt, and I had to have the talk with you. Getting all Bobby Brown “Ain’t nobody humpin’ around.” That reminds me that I still need to pick a song on Spotify. Honest to God, Braxton, I don’t want to begin. Living, laughing, loving? Why is that shit so catchy? Because I’m still existing. For what? To exist and not know why, without you B. Bad News? Bad News B, V

Always and Forever,
Your Dad