Tag: Rage

Log 307 ~Trust Fund Baby Will~

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There was a time I believed $300 would fix all my problems, once I trusted myself to keep my mouth shut, I had faith in God, and for some reason, I knew good would win but those coffers have run dry. Trust Fund Baby Will

Sunday, May 3, 2020

Log 307 ~Trust Fund Baby Will~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and how I wish I could say I’m leaving it all to you. No, as always, I leave you only the opportunity to become someone better. You have one “edited” novel. Now you’re on @disneyplus and @netflix all because of some women, of course. Before I forget, Happy Birthday @TheAliceLittle. Also to Indiana Gone, though her birthday is Star Wars Day. You also have Cherry’s Birthday on the 28th. I hope you won’t go asking for pictures of her boobs for the month. Now I would never trust you, and you won’t believe me, which explains today.

You can’t be like the rest of them, you know, PEOPLE. Tell me you didn’t think we were going to talk about money when I mentioned “Trust Fund?” The Man In The Mirror, when will you trust him. How about your Dæmon, sleeping by your side. His every breath is an act of trust. Like yours with your Olds, I suppose. The lights are still on, there’s water, water everywhere, and you still have the car. I want to say trust is life, but how will being amongst the living treat you? The last time you were out, not so damn well. Yes, I’m still mad about Taco Bell. Hell, maybe you should rage at the politicians. The protesters that aren’t being shot because they’re WHITE. Or the Coronovirus COVID-19 plague that surrounds us. What to trust? Again these words of my Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
    Failed
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
    Failed
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
    Failed
  5. I AM Not Receiving Any Warnings From Norton About Security
    Failed
  6. I AM Finishing Editing For Camp NaNoWriMo “The Eve of a Cherry”
    Completed

Number six, is that all my words account to? 50,000 words to a group that has no idea you exist, but for some reason, you’re with them. Yes, NaNoWriMo is good, but you couldn’t even trust yourself to get up when you said you would. Noted, you want to write, you want to learn. Have you noticed in your stories your character never dies ever? You can trust them to mean what they say, but what about the people they are supposed to trust. I would give away a big spoiler, but again we never know who’s reading. What if those people believe in you. Only more to the point believe in who they see in these words, and that’s never you? I mean the man that you want to be. So yet again here we go Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I AM Always The “Father” My Dæmon Deserves
  3. I AM Reviewing Twenty “GULP” Poems
  4. I AM Reviewing Raphael By Tillie Cole
  5. I AM Not Receiving Any Warnings Or Security Threats Ever
  6. I AM Finishing The Zombie Survival Guide

I trust you’ll do better, bet, Trust Fund Baby Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 261 ~Will Throws A Rager~

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I could keep my head underwater for a bit longer, or I could go to sleep, even in my noise-filled Den the humming doesn’t stop me from sleeping, or I could have knocked myself out with my tablet. Will Throws A Rager

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Log 261 ~Will Throws A Rager~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and money makes me happy. What about My Dæmon, solitude, and women, in all their many shapes and forms? My motivations talk about creating happiness but three things. One, everything that brings about that feeling, people say is wrong. It’s kind of hard to imagine those things when knowing with them, you’re “evil.” Two, I don’t even remember what it felt like Inspector Echo. I get wisps now and again sometimes, but I don’t know. Three, there’s rage like you would not believe, anger, hate, suffering.

Yes, Inspector Echo, Star Wars, but I’m drowning in this rage, and of course, it begins with FEAR. I am not one for grossness, but when I have to go to the Day Job, I get sick to my stomach. In my bag, I carry Sprite and plastic bags. Of course, I have the perfect word and excuse me, but shit. I’m sharing my feelings, but at least I ain’t crying, and yeah, you know what is going to nail me for that word. I could think of a few hundred reasons to scream at the moment, but I’m too hot. Not in a DECENT way. I’m talking about blood boiling and how far can I take that thought. Well, nowhere near a conclusion. Otherwise, I’ll be explaining myself like Hilary Swank in The Hunt. Remember what I learned from Cherry; when you believe no one is reading, they’re here.

Now I could go to bed. I fell asleep on the loveseat again reading The Gargoyle. Inspector Echo I think the world of the book, but that’s the thing about rage. It burns everything. It’s a desert; it’s a Hell. So what about an oasis? Once again, the best release is one I’m swearing off again. The money I do have, well, I don’t know where it’s going. Isn’t that a lie, like everything else it’s all about the ladies. A time of crisis and I deal in Babes, Biology, Bucks, and Bullets. If anything, I need to hit the store tomorrow and see if I can find supplies. My son is good at the moment, but what about me, Inspector Echo. I skipped dinner, and yes, I have food. I’m only full of such anger. It’s like my big sister tried to figure out.

An average day or The Apocalypse, Will Throws A Rager.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 133 ~Rage Can Kill, But Who~

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I wrote a poem about RAGE once, but I think 28 Days Later, and the sequel said it so much the better than I ever could, but what I wouldn’t give for a beautiful apocalypse or how about the ability to utter NO. “Rage Can Kill, But Who?”

Monday, November 11, 2019

Log 133 ~Rage Can Kill, But Who~

Hundred And Tenth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and is this the way wrong rule for today? Hell, I’m tempted to say it’s the perfect rule for today, that, of course, disqualifies me from posting some places. Even at this moment in time, I’m mad as Hell, and I know I’m going to be exhausted in the morning. Not because I’m letting NaNoWriMo down, I kicked ass there (LANGUAGE). Would I do better to list all the things I’m not mad at tonight? My dæmon, how about my work ethic, and not you Madam Justice.

First and foremost, I hate my Day Job, with the heat from a thousand suns. You wonder why I’m not published yet because that work is burning all the pages. Do I talk about how the Truck can be overwhelming, or more to the point those damn people (LANGUAGE)? What about the shower this morning? The things I come up with, and it wasn’t like I was even remotely horny. No, I made a conscious decision. I swear that scene from a particular anime movie I won’t name. Yeah, people already think I’m a psycho or worse. Cherry might like it, though. Speaking of which, FEAR, Madam Justice. I can’t talk to specific people because of such terror. I didn’t say what needed to be said at work today. NaNoWriMo is being held up because of the FEAR of losing my position, and you know I need the money now.

I can quote Yoda, you know, fear, anger, hate, suffering, but who am I hurting? You see what time it is, but I’m still up because I’m a man of my word. Okay, so I’m a clown now too because I can’t that with a straight face. Can I tell you all the stuff I wanted to say to my boss; how many times would I have to call myself out on language. Don’t even get me started on other employees. I want the world to go away, but again I’m not crazy or suicidal. Well, if I keep having nights like this, I won’t have to worry about it. I’ll drop dead. So I can’t indulge in my self-help phase. I haven’t gotten to play Far Cry 5 or Fallout 4 any and what about the state of the real country, no politics today. It’s Veterans Day; I’m Grateful.

Rage Can Kill But Who?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 073 ~Rage Against The Will~

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This song says “love is the answer” but that will be true when there’s no one left to hate and on the day to day I find only hatred and no I ain’t scared of no sheet, no confederate flag, or swastika, no my enemy is my own. Rage Against The Will

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Episode 073 ~Rage Against The Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
Give Me One Reason not to because I have said before like the “Lord Of War” you can’t fight your biology; to think last week it was a crime that scared me to death and this week it’s a crime of death, and I am not afraid. Maybe I should be but I can’t, and that’s my first sin, the fact that I want this more than anything, my blood to boil, to burn, and indeed want to breathe, believe in RAGE.

Rage
Everywhere
I feel it
Can’t help it
It burns
Through my heart
And my soul

Rage
Consumes me
Every look
Every smile
I want it done
Tears
Don’t fall

Rage
The pain
Insane
I must be
Death
Theirs or mine
Don’t care

Rage
Such a
Misery (the poem RAGE)

Like sex it’s a biological imperative and especially in America a more socially acceptable one, nearly once a week it overcomes someone for one reason or another so what is that for me, you want to know, do you honestly, because none of them do. Every work day I have people coming up to me asking how I’m doing but today there was nothing, maybe they could sense it, I know I still do, and like sex, I know neither, sin, satiation, or satisfaction. So why do I feel this way… some say laughter is one great medicine and no I won’t sit here and say don’t laugh, hell Inspector Echo it’s my best form of camouflage, I type out LOL a dozen times minimum, I might indeed mean it, I even call myself Le Marquis De Joker on occasion…

And I would call it a plague
how this fever infects
me, I sweat

summoning up the blood
which can never assuage
the disgust, the dirt, my name is mud.

Better though, tears for fears,
than this need to purge, to clear.
I lock the monster in its cage

the white walls of the page.
A mad world of ink,
kink, mystique, doublethink

Don’t rage, rage (the poem Vial Rage)

“Oh yeah! I love jokes! I love all kinds of jokes. But you know what I don’t like? I don’t like people trying to kill me, hurting my family and my friends, and destroying the whole world as I know it. That just doesn’t sit well with me.” Toys (1992)

“If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate. It’s all I have.” The Count of Monte Cristo

My second crime today is the fact that I have let this go on for too damn long, in the name of getting along, of professionalism, of attempting to be a decent human being, see I learned something today, these aren’t people I’m dealing with now. I swear I would make a great Neo-Nazi or KKK member because I was ready to scream… okay speaking of crimes, that might account for hate speech and nobody reads this anyway but again being reasonable. Lastly, when did this start, you know Inspector Echo I have no problem giving orders, but I am not an ignorant leader, and if there is one thing in this great big world I can’t stand it’s looking, feeling, and knowing, I’m STUPID.

Stupidity my greatest sin of all, so no Inspector Echo you don’t have to forgive me for my rage, no I’ll happily go to Hell for that, but I apologize for the time, for wanting these motherfucking moronic assholes to die (nothing racial there right) and for being so stupid, I Rage Against The Will.

“Dear Lord, Please forgive us for all the sins we have brought upon us. And look down upon us with forgiveness for the sins we will have in the future. I know you understand that niggas ain’t perfect, but we try lord. We try to keep our heads up in bad times. This is a bad time, show us the way. And if you can’t show us the way, then forgive us for being lost.” Sweet Pea, Baby Boy (2001)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 345 ~Dead Men Tell No Tales~

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No, I haven’t gone pirate, and “Grammarly” doesn’t count this as plagiarism, hell if it were I would pity that person and the world in general because there would be another me and I’m still alive. Dead Men Tell No Tales

Monday, June 11, 2018

Lesson 345 ~Dead Men Tell No Tales~

Thirty-Sixth Rule Madam Justice

Can You Love Me Again, I have gone back and forth on wanting an answer, not wanting an answer, looking for it and before the end, I guess I want to know, more like I need to know. What would some autopsy say about me, what about all the fans I dream about having, my dog knows so many secrets… and what does my blood understand about me that isn’t some party line of bullshit?

How many times do I have to tell myself to answer the question why am I a writer and here’s another one, because I don’t want any lies; sounds strange doesn’t it that a fiction writer doesn’t want to lie but fiction isn’t lying per se. If anything I assume that should scare people even more but through my novels well… no one will write real stories about who I am, and already there are plenty of files about what people think they know. It’s also a reason to stay alive; sometimes I think my dog is the only reason I stick around and besides wanting him to be happy, because God knows I would never pull a “Fry” you know Futurama, leaving him waiting.

You know how they say, and they all lived happily ever after but no one lives forever, and nobody ever talks about they died merrily; peacefully, gentle, surrounded by family and friends but not happily. Rage, Rage and you can stop right there with me because the light has already died and all that’s left is the fire if that makes any sense; I mean there’s no sun to see. A stupid new rule but “Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire” and seeing how you know some men want to watch the world… maybe I want to see how it will be reborn but then I have to do something that I still hate, that’s survival.

History’s written by the survivors, I’m sure that’s a rule, or it’s another new one, but I’m sure I might have debunked it at some point, which leads me to another idea; I want people debating me, but I pray for the courage to stand and defend myself. Is this rule displaying a lack of faith in my words, even today I feel it might be a text that ends me, but I won’t worry, I won’t agonize, I won’t play dead until morning because Dead Men Tell No Tales.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 221 ~The Way You Lie~

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Lie to me, you’re going to have to, I’ll hate us both, but this is the least I can do because you don’t know me, so you’ll make something up. And like the genie I am, I will make your wish come true and become what you want me to be. The Way You Lie.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Lesson 221 ~The Way You Lie~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, and that is probably the biggest lie I’ve told, no fear, how I have repeated it nearly two hundred and twenty-one times, a hope, a prayer, a lie, a big fucking lie.

When I was a child I became an atheist, a choice and yes this is a “sin” for another time, but because of my cowardice, I would tell people life was terrible, that life sucks, instead of acknowledging how I felt about the church. Sometime later my father confronted me, threatened me and asked what was I going to tell people, how did I feel, and I said “unwell,” and after another threat, I lied. Inspector Echo *sigh* I lied and not to those people, not to my father but to myself and that was the killing stroke, ask me why I hate God, and I could give you a million reasons but the fact that I can’t be me, why should I fear Hell?

“That’s what hell is. Forgetting what you were.” Malleus Maleficarum

Before you ask, I am well aware what an atheist is, not a hatred of God but a complete denial and maybe it’s this whole made in his image that has me asking today why do I hate myself, hell I got to keep my job, didn’t I? Questions upon questions, why did I get to keep my job, and I answer because I became that little boy again, I agreed to lie about who I am, how I feel, and everything because I hate these damn people, and why? Tell me why I choose to hate, because they allow themselves to wipe my existence off the earth and I let them because I hate myself infinitely more every day.

It’s probably the only reason I’m still alive, why I don’t fear to go to Hell… I know it, the fire, you see flames have names, guilt, lust, rage, but lying, that has to be the biggest one for me, I cannot stand a liar. If you knew everything I was lying about, more like omitting but Inspector Echo every day I lie here and show every secret I dare. I even told my manager and district manager, I’ll pretend of course if I get paid, I’ll lie to save my ass, I’ll use lies as weapons, but the truth is so much worse. You learn deceit as quickly as you embrace hate and that is my sin Inspector Echo, I made their lies real.

So forgive me Inspector Echo for accepting those lies, for making my life a lie, for covering their fear and hatred as something I deserve because if you knew me at all you know, I deserve Hell like so many others, and I’ve found it, it’s The Way You Lie.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 214 ~Not One Of Us~

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At least Walkers or the standard zombies are asking for it, but as for me, I just want to get through my day the best way I know how but apparently that’s not normal and if I’m not one of them? “Not One Of Us,” I just can’t run away though.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Lesson 214 ~Not One Of Us~

Born in grief
Raised in hate
Helpless to defy his fate
Let him run
Let him live
But do not forget what we cannot forgive

And he is not one of us ― (Not One Of Us) from The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride (1998)

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Afraid Anymore, as a matter of fact, I’m not a lot of things. I’m not some victim of abuse, depending on how you define it, I am not a human being, again what classifies as human, and I am not going to live forever, have I at all? Speaking of my sins what am I, a coward, a hypocrite, unemployed, not yet anyway I haven’t sent in my account of things at work still.

If I haven’t said it before, how dare I, you know I’ve had my misgivings about the “#metoo” movement mainly because I’m ashamed of my actions towards women, and worse I compare my predicament with my boss to such maddening suffering. My entire life it’s, I’m not black enough, loud enough, and just not like them, so I continuously shift between being a monster and then not worth having a life at all honestly. Don’t worry Inspector Echo I’ll be alive for some time yet but as the song goes:

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had (Mad World)

So what is stopping me from telling someone other than you and maybe Indiana Gone; I can’t say that my goals were genuinely noble when I wanted to report my boss, and there is a fine line between justice and wrath but what happens if I don’t tell? I won’t lie, and if I don’t I’ll get fired but don’t I pretend all the time, at church if I weren’t a Christian my “father” would beat my ass and at work… no job, no life. I have to keep my job at all cost, but instead of spreading my legs or ass cheeks as the case may be, I’ll have to open my mind, to break my heart, to open my mouth to lie on myself, to open my eyes and watch that bastard laugh.

Again my oldest sin, this rage that I feel and at the same time, in an exact moment of “Doublethink” I will kowtow, I will worry, I will know fear because when has anything I’ve ever written helped me? The idea of being an ordinary human, at least in America, I’m a slave to my phone, I keep up the status quo, I lie like anyone else because while the truth will set you free… of the mortal coil, it means I’m not dead yet.

So can you forgive me, may I have absolution, monsters don’t deserve it, and the problem with people is they always are sorry, and I am tired of being sad just being me and as they all seem to think now Not One Of Us?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 193 ~I Need A Raise~

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Well at least I never considered myself a cave woman, though I may speak like a caveman at least I’m making noise but how did they scare the beasts back then, I’ll tell you with such thunderous voices. “I Need A Raise,” money, and guns say more.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Lesson 193 ~I Need A Raise~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I mean by the time I get to the car and the music is blasting out so I can’t hear myself in my head when I’m sure that they have forgotten about me when my courage returns that I often mistake for some great insanity.

I need to raise my voice Inspector Echo, and no I don’t mean in a mean way, as the song goes “I think I use to have a voice, and now I barely make a sound,” I know what I sound like singing… yikes but just everyday speaking. Now it’s funny that I say that when there are plenty of devices to help with projection and still I damn near have a panic attack every time I have to page someone at work or speak on the radio. I keep saying I want the world to hear me and then I have nothing to say, I’m stupid, or a clown.

To most people, I damn sure ain’t a man when it comes to talking in the drive-thru or on the phone, and I don’t bother to correct them at all. “Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch,” as one of the hottest actresses on the planet said, and I know surely enough I whine like a bitch. It could be that I’m ashamed of who I am, have I forgotten what it means to speak like a man, did I ever know in the first place Inspector Echo.

“Fathers are supposed to show sons how to be a man in the world, but I guess the world is too much for you.” ― Grotesque, Fear The Walking Dead

My father gave into aggression, to the dark side, and every day I find myself giving into that, it’s when I feel such surging rage that my courage is at its highest or is it passion? That would be my greatest sin, and I could go on and on for days, but I’m also mad at the fact that I have to keep myself penned in all the time because I feel like I might hurt someone, you know more than most that my words will someday lead to new actions. Perhaps I feign cowardice to keep the monster inside me pacified to a degree.

I ask your forgiveness Inspector Echo for my quietus when it comes to my speaking, stupidity, identity, weakness, and all my madness; I still have a voice that one day *sigh* money is power, it speaks, I Need A Raise.

I Will Have No Fear

Match Point

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Matches and some bombs use to be so aerodynamic, not so much anymore though we still have plenty to go around; it is beliefs now, words that are burning the world a new era of Fahrenheit 451, we don’t just look at the books burning. Match Point

Was a match enough?

to set Rome to burn?
Learning in the darkness
regardless of rhyme or reason
Treason not to fight

Write the answer to where is the love?
Above, my lord do we not reach out
shout out with our bombs, missiles, rockets
stop it, my words, your words, his words

urge us not to rage but puff,
snuff out the last of the light

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Basic Bar

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I’m don’t drink, it impairs judgment, makes you say something stupid, makes you completely different but every so often I get that nudge for a drink. “Basic Bar” been on my knees, hugging the porcelain altar because I’m just so sick of

A man walks into a bar

as the people say, how bizarre
and demand that he be locked in a cage
for his rage.
His judges, big and small, wherever they are

the man would say au revoir
only he needs to forget his pain
But he sings that I wish it would rain
just so he knows how tall, on what star

To set a much higher bar
Because sitting here in limbo
with just another… no just leave him alone.
Only now he’s on WordStar

a few scars
to remind him, the sky’s the limit.
In five minutes
he’s in the back of a patrol car

while my guitar
gently weeps.
So I creep
to ask him before he’s taken down the boulevard

“Just another so and so from afar…”

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.