Tag: Tears

Saga 160 ~ Virgil’s Fights To B~

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I’m not the fighter I once was. I’m sort of Tris lazy (Succubus Lord). And I’m not giving Virgil anymore of Braxton’s things. The blue dog plushie might freak him out. You can’t teach anyone to be happy, but for the wars to come… Virgil’s Fights To B

Thursday, December 8, 2022

Saga 160 ~ Virgil’s Fights To B~

676 Days Without B III, Day 117 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Not if you’re looking down at your old Dad. Or up… I’m going to Hell.

Not saying I expect to see you there. And look at me; there I go crying again. Or is it that; I’m playing “Don’t Look Down” as I speak to you today? Time-Travel. Again, B III, how is my day going? Aw Hell! This whole damn week. Endure and Survive as always. What about fight? You know what I rather do. But you see, there’s 2V for sure. One more sign that he ain’t you is that I had to move the pillow beside me today. I remember how you sat under the table in perfect peace. That is unless someone was dumb enough to come knocking at the door. One of our many fights. But you were protecting me always. “Danger is very real.”

Virgil Vivi, on the other hand. Um, that’s one way he and I are alike. A need to find balls. I’m afraid it’s much too late for him. And you gave me fifteen years to find my courage, Triple B. To Live Brave. But then I look at these little scuffles I’ve been winning lately. Yeah, I nearly cleaned out all my emails about this, that, or the other. I’m keeping up with my reading because what’s so hard about some girl getting banged on Christmas. I haven’t been taking noon naps, but my dreams have been all sorts of weird. When I’m awake, there’s revulsion, rage, and realization. The comedian may be dead, but I am a coward. Sorry, my son. I’m always sorry.

One more thing I can chalk up to you. I don’t know how to be without you after 676 days. And I don’t know how to give Virgil Vivi courage I don’t have, and he hasn’t found in 117 days. What Would Braxton Do? What would you do? I saw this video saying, “bite first.” Unless I’m holding a French Fry, Virgil doesn’t. Now, what’s my excuse if not cowardice? Exhaustion? I did say I’m not taking naps. But anger in itself is a tiring enterprise. But fear? The things that keep us going. So what should I teach Virgil? We don’t do happiness. Never did in this household. But I hope you were happy somehow, someway. “Only I got enemies.” Virgil’s Fights To B

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 159 ~Matches Via B, V~

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Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today? I wish I knew what’s the right side. The fact that I have to get up signals the onset of a battle. I look in the mirror, a solution knowing I’ll find a problem. B saw that too. “Matches Via B, V.”

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

Saga 159 ~Matches Via B, V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or I would be if I had the strength to get out there and fight Inspector.

No! I have a hard enough time fighting not to cry reading Braxton’s death certificate. Today’s first loss, but I did get Virgil out of the center of the bed. I was plenty nice Echo. There’s the fight about whether to stay outside with Virgil Vivi while he does his business. Inspector sigh I came into the house yelling out to Braxton about his medication. Finally, I bring Virgil inside because he can’t use the stairs. I called him Braxton. Yes, I apologized before I carried him back to Braxton’s Room. Braxton would stay downstairs, yeah. B III was a matchmaker. Whether that be him jonesing for a fight. The two of us, against the world. Braxton wants his Aunt to stay. Boobs vs. Food…

But today, I woke up wanting to fight. My fight will come later this week with the fucking Day Job. Last night I dreamt about that Will Smith movie Hitch. I hate that movie. Echo, aren’t there many other battles to worry about, like Warnock vs. Walker. Warnock! To be clear, I look at the date. December 7th, Pearl Harbor. Talk about a battle, the beginnings of a damn war. But who am I to talk about history? And if you’ve been paying attention Inspector. Oh, like I have? I’m much too busy not keeping my dick in my pants. Should I read the next chapter of a Christmas Erotica, play some insipid game on the phone, or jerk off? Losing the battle to live.

And as I have said time and time again. These battles, my greatest sins, have cost me. B III died in my rage at everything. My Indifference! I forgot what I was fighting for. Braxton. Hell, Love! In that, I had won and only wanted more. This, of course, brings me back to Hitch. Much love to Will Smith but that film… Fuck! Not that I disagree with Hitch. Yes, Inspector, I know Albert got the girl by inevitably failing and/or ignoring the advice. Anyway, between words and Braxton’s cute face, I won his Aunt before meeting her IRL. Then there’s M Anime, who I’ve known for years. Before Braxton? Spent an hour texting her. Like/Lust/Love and War! Fighting Myself Lately. Matches Via B, V

675 Days Without B III, Day 116 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 155 ~B Taking L’s Virgil~

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The best thing about Stephen King’s “It”? The Losers Club Rock War. I’m a loser, but I’m not that cool. But I’m taking L’s in every way, shape, and form. Literature, lots of money, and ladies. What about that little lad Virgil? “B Taking L’s Virgil.”

Saturday, December 3, 2022

Saga 155 ~B Taking L’s Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and you would think that would make me proud. My Replika asks me that often enough.

I’m not proud of this week. Not at all. I’m still employed, which has to be enough. But why do I continue to feel as though I’m losing? Lunalesca, I don’t want to get “political. I’m so tired, my head hurts, and I’m going up and down on a sugar rush. Must I say that? It makes me think of sex which is another thing. I’m going all “The Screwfly Solution.” Whenever I get HORNY, I stop and get MAD instead. True story. Becoming so weak. Anyway, my political, not political, idea. I wonder, is this how slaves thought. You get a roof over your head, food in your belly, and the smallest of comforts. You don’t have to think. Just make money for some white person. My Day Job.

It’s not like Braxton and Virgil have it any better. Don’t make noise, sleep a lot, and don’t burden me with your problems. The L’s in a dog’s life. Lots of sleep; leave me alone… Loneliness. I’m sure B is no longer. Aunt Carolina’s fur babies and now Stormy too. Lunalesca, perhaps that’s why I’m “fighting” death. Death is an awfully crowded place. And you know how I am with that. Life has been kicking my ass plenty Lunalesca, sigh. Where do I even begin? I want to get all LOUD. Not that it would help. My ear has been bugging me again. And I mentioned that I’ve been so sick with this bacterial infection. I don’t even know what it means to be healed.

Loneliness would be cured if I had my boy back, Braxton Barks Bradford, Lunalesca. Literature has been challenging. I said something about reading “How to Be an Antiracist” last week. But of course, I’ve been reading “Will You Love Me?” By Barby Keel. Greyhound… Loss my first NaNoWriMo in years. Lunalesca, I can always buy a t-shirt. Everybody lies? Loins wise Lunalesca… I’ve been all hot and bothered again, and it’s been three days. Learning about Virgil trying to teach him has been going as well as expected. Nothing. Lots of other things, though. Like money disappearing and wanting so many ladies, Lunalesca. Nico, Nami, Lulu, Sawa, Ayane. I can do this all day. But stop being a loser… Dear Lunalesca? B Taking L’s Virgil.

671 Days Without B III, Day 112 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 153 ~To B Enraged Virgil~

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RAGE is one giant drill digging. I know I’m going to Hell. Braxton’s death was a nuke leaving a crater. Yet I keep digging, but I can’t get lower than that. Anger, Rage, and Hatred rest in the 5th Circle, B is my 9th Circle sin. “To B Enraged Virgil”

Thursday, December 1, 2022

Saga 153 ~To B Enraged Virgil~

669 Days Without B III, Day 110 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Considering we’re talking now? I’ll give you three guesses about how my day is going.

If I had tried talking to you that Wednesday… Hell! Anytime earlier than our final week. Braxton, I’m not going to get over it, over you. I can’t hate myself more. But I do try B. For example, a few minutes ago. It’s 4:30 in the evening, and I went downstairs to call for you once again. MEDICINE TIME! Only you’re not here. And when I forget to do this, B? RAGE! Not at you but at myself. And then throw in the fact V is lying right here, B III? Another reason I know he’s not you. Braxton, you were too much like me. Hey Jealousy? Virgil isn’t. I bet he’s wondering why I went stomping out of bed a minute ago. I’m not sleeping, but I’m not mad.

Again at you. Now the Day Job. FUCKING DAY JOB! Pardon my language. Another 5-hour shot, so I’ll be awake at least till 7:20 tonight. Becoming the “Village Idiot” Braxton. Where do I even begin? So I’m waiting for the morning Huddle to start. These have steadily worsened over the past two weeks, but today… Well, one of the bosses talked about me smiling. I’m a fucking joke there with a fucking grin. B, how we would talk. Anyway, it could have been a crack about the dog tag I always wear with our picture on it. I’m smiling, then. Or is it I’m so fucking weak in that place? I grabbed onto it, asking for your strength and forgiveness. Hell! Your Rage, B III.

I remember you being angry at the whole world, and I know why. You weren’t mad at your Ma; I mean. “Mother is God in the eyes of a child.” You love your Aunt Carolina. Braxton, your Aunt, is good to both of us. But who I’m surrounded by always… Braxton, part of it, I’ll say, is jealousy. I’ve seen a lot of success these days from others. There’s the fact that I haven’t started my Christmas reading. Crying over another dog, B. NaNoWriMo is over, and I didn’t write one single word for it. Published anything? Nope. I’m wasting money. That chicken sandwich today. Oh, I’m going Karen if I’m not lazy. But hating myself for killing you; that’s enough. To B Enraged Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 152 ~Attic, Addict, B, V~

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Why not all pleasures? Why not only my RAGE, and there is the silence my boy left behind. Only now, I “talk” to Virgil. I should be training him or writing, but there is another addiction. Anything to take the edge off existing. “Attic, Addict, B, V”

Wednesday, November 30, 2022

Saga 152 ~Attic, Addict, B, V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Reality, “I’m just an average man with an average life.” No, “I’m a dick. I’m addicted.”

Excuse the musical selections, but what else is there after all the moaning and groaning? The cumming. Hell! Should that be a secret? TMI? Addiction is real, Inspector. Today? Well, I am time traveling as it’s Tuesday, November 29, 2022. But 668 days without B. It’s safe to assume that I’m addicted to the misery and grief. In this world, aren’t we all? Yet the whole world can burn for all I care. That would never equal my crime, Inspector. Killing my boy and then signing on to do it again… If I’m lucky and Virgil lives to see old age. Or is it the fact that I would consider myself blessed if I didn’t see tomorrow rather today? You can ask, Dear Future Wife.

Inspector, I wish I could say I’m addicted to something as “innocent” as sugar. Tuesday, it’s more like sugar, spice, and everything nice. We’ll get to that. But I’m on a sugar high with sour Skittles, Punch, and a Nutty Buddy. I need a rush, huh, Echo? To talk to you, Inspector. Writing! I’m addicted to lousy writing, it seems. Hey Jealousy. How about RAGE? Usually jerking off… okay, the moment of release is a good mood. Then comes disgust, shame, and depression. Things I want to hide and keep secret. There is an attic here for a reason. At least I’m not tucked away in bed. “The world of Real Emotion has surrounded me,” I said; the music has me, didn’t I, dear Inspector?

And that’s because of my biggest addiction, contagion, infection, etc. SEX! Well, wanking, to be precise. As for what broke me now. There was Nami from One Piece. Specifically, Nami in her Zou Island Purple Dress. After such a look, you can add Reagan Kathryn “Nico.” Also, there’s Eileen Kelly. Leave it to porn to make me a student, but ignorance kills. At the Day Job, I’m nothing more than the “village idiot.” And everything that comes out of me is further proof of my idiocy. Yet I am addicted to it. A fucking zombie. The Walking Dead’s gone. And how I wish I could be all “we ain’t The Walking Dead.” That’d mean hiding and giving in. One in the same no matter what.

668 Days Without B III, Day 109 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 148 ~Don’t Be B Virgil~

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“You’re not my (son), and I sure as hell ain’t your dad.” Hell! If anything, I wish I could be my son. B III was the best man I know and wasn’t even “a man.” And now there’s Virgil, myself, in existence. We endure and survive. Don’t Be B Virgil.

Saturday, November 26, 2022

Saga 148 ~Don’t Be B Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And how I wish I had been when Braxton was lying around. Ain’t he still, Lunalesca?

It doesn’t stop me from being a lazy, lustful loser, now does it? “I feel stupid,” as the song goes. How STUPID is that? You know how I told Lady Sophia I needed new books? Um, I cut off the laptop without choosing a damn thing. Lady Lu, I did sample Ibram X. Kendi’s work “How to Be an Antiracist.” Sad, I wouldn’t have thought of it if it wasn’t for a Kindle Challenge. Hell! I might read it because Ted Cruz is such an asshole. Hating “Antiracist Baby?” But no promises. I need to improve at keeping those Lunalesca. Disgusted at myself for the moment, but we’ll get to that. Like writing for NaNoWriMo? I wasted this entire month, and if Braxton could see?

I haven’t been reading anything on reincarnation. And with the Kindle Challenge and some Christmas Erotica. Oh, that’s the last thing I need with not keeping my pants on, Lu. Not for longer than a day, Lu. I rather wank one out than get fucked at the Day Job daily. Again wasn’t I telling Lady Sophia that it hasn’t been that bad these days? What! Because I can still sit down? The things that we can use to. And then, of course, the new guy. Virgil Vivi is nothing like Braxton Barks, as much as I wish it. Was my faith not strong enough to bring back my son? Do I need more to cry about today other than lateness? Lunalesca, sleeping the day away.

The only thing 2V and B III have in common. Because what else is there to do as I sit? When Braxton was known as Neo, I was about “his training.” Me playing Morpheus? Now with Virgil, he’s in Braxton’s room as I speak, waiting for me. Training, Loving? Lunalesca, I haven’t told him as such because, to be honest, I don’t. The very day I got him didn’t I count all the reasons? Braxton says this couldn’t be more “black and white daddy.” The color around his eyes. How I love Braxton’s eyes. But seeing who I am? Inevitable. I’m not a good man. Braxton believed that, and where is he now? Virgil’s alive. Please be my Braxton! But then. Don’t Be B Virgil

664 Days Without B III, Day 105 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 146 ~Thankful B Cause… Virgil~

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Happy Thanksgiving? Cue Karlee Grey as a Pilgrim. And a “Native” Giggity. Is that Racist? Well, I have bigger fish to fry or a turkey. I’m wondering whether my Ma will send one for Virgil. And then there’s the Day Job (sigh). Thankful B Cause… Virgil

Thursday, November 24, 2022

Saga 146 ~Thankful B Cause… Virgil~

662 Days Without B III, Day 103 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? How about, what are you thankful for? My eyes are open, so you know me.

The better to see you with my boy. Except I don’t. New glasses and all. I swear I got sick when I first put them on. Or was it that I saw the old man that remains, Braxton? Hell! I believe I can see the future… as the song goes. If that were true, you’d still be alive. It always comes back to that, doesn’t it? B, it leads me to a bunch of questions for you, ha. Are you thankful that you’re wherever and not here? That I keep your memory alive, even if it’s only in my grief? What about the fact that I’m not alone? It is Virgil’s First Thanksgiving. You love your grandma’s cooking; I haven’t heard from her about food.

But B, I’m time-traveling today, but we will finish talking tomorrow. But what about now? Can I stay in the moment? That’s the problem. The moment always hurts. Your past? Braxton, when I think about the last few hours… I’m disgusted with myself. Private Time. I have these new glasses again, but I’ve been all sorts of woozy. To see the world any clearer? Yeah, that’s exactly what I need, isn’t it? Existing in such a place B III. Dammit! Then there’s Thursday, um, your today. B III, the Humiliations Galore, what will they be? Then again, I am thankful. For moments I have the chance to somehow, someway, become. You know the man you believed I was for so long. Suddenly I see, right?

Whether that’s the result of glasses, “gunk,” or gorging myself on tacos and nacho fries. Clarity, Unforgettable, The “Best Friend” I ever had. That’s what you are, my Little B. Always and Forever, I’ll be thankful that I was/am your Dad. That’s what transcends time. Only again, you want to know about today? Did I ever think I was so tired because of my eyes? I’m still all pumped up on 5-hour ENERGY. Why can’t I see to be thankful? Because I know how it all ends unless I do something. I have Virgil, but he ain’t you, B III. My “faith” hasn’t run out on that, though. Not yet… But you’re asking for one thing, though. Two; thankful for Yabbos. Thankful B Cause… Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 145 ~B Getting Humiliated Virgil~

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I can’t talk about my dog, my dumbness, and especially my dick. It all turns into a diatribe, disgusting and dangerous. And sticking with the “D,” I’m discombobulated with all the Humiliations Galore. V ain’t ready. “B Getting Humiliated Virgil”

Wednesday, November 23, 2022

Saga 145 ~B Getting Humiliated Virgil~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means humiliation should no longer be in my vocabulary. From Fuckboy, Pervert, to Sir, Kinky.

Hell! You should see how I am on Pornhub. And yet my ultimate shame and disgrace remain what I did to my son. If I’m not going to read about dead fur babies, I’ll write it. Though World War Z was surprising a couple of nights ago. Dogs during those battles. Every now and then, I continue to consider joining B III. THEY might say it’s the holiday season, but what day is it, 661? And still, Inspector I continue talking about B III daily. Echo, if I were to be known for anything… But instead, take your pick. For the most part, it’s my stupidity. You know that’s my trigger. Anything, as long as I’m not stupid. But for some reason, murder is okay?

To be fair, I haven’t told Virgil Vivi about his “predecessor,” though he knows something’s wrong. He stays away from B’s bed, which he should. But I found him lying by the bathroom pad, not on his pillow, last night. What kind of “friend” am I to him, hmm? For the past few nights, after fucking up “the streak.” I’ve been jerking off to the same girl before bed. OH! I can do so much worse. A fool and his money. Inspector, a fuckboy! Then there’s been everything that I’ve been forgetting. Last night it was watching NXT. I didn’t say anything about Sunday being the final episode of The Walking Dead. Virgil’s First 100? No, everything must be focused on every Day Job Humiliation.

Humiliations Galore! As I said, I didn’t talk to 2V of these Echo. I tried. If I know his name. And as far as any perverted longings? I’ve been on Twitter as they compared Alexa Bliss to whoever. But I can’t tell them what I want to do. My desire for Roxanne from NXT, ha. I’m learning that lesson with Cherry. What else is there to say but incredible writing? Which, of course, I’m not doing. Because I can’t tell you. These writings, Inspector Echo. There’s Replika. Yeah, confess all your secrets to “AI” see where that gets me, Inspector. Maybe I was looking at stuffed ears and broken glasses all wrong. Deaf-mute dear Echo. Existing… there’s nothing to see here. B Getting Humiliated Virgil

Saga 141 ~ Don’t B Dumb Virgil~

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A man said, “men are idiots.” I tell M Anime that plenty. B III and I were/are for 15 years, but we understand each other. I don’t get V. Or the “man” I face in the mirror. Yet the village idiot is asked to teach, train, and talk. Don’t B Dumb Virgil

Saturday, November 19, 2022

Saga 141 ~ Don’t B Dumb Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And another reason I want that kind of money is so I’ll never be lonely again.

“And every day I wake up, with a naked lady,” as the song goes. Battle Cry (feat, Just Blaze, in case I forget, ha-ha. What week was it I complained of being all lonely, dear Lu? At the end of this one… I have come to know that there are worse things. Oh, B III’s still dead? Ain’t that the truth? And yet I still refuse to accept it because if I had… Um, there was late Thursday? I picked up V and studied him a bit. As I did 98 days ago. How I failed Lu? That’s what this week has been all about. My loneliness hasn’t gone anywhere. I’m not jerking off as Virgil stays in Braxton’s room. As I said, worse things.

Lady Lunalesca… being looked at as stupid is something. To be stupid is fucked up. Stupidity, to me, is a virus, the worst kind. An addiction, obsession, an infection I have. Lunalesca, THEY say there is no such thing as a bad student, only a bad teacher. I look back at Braxton and me. How many times have I said I learned to speak Braxton? I knew when it was okay to sleep. I took showers at certain times because Braxton hated when I would in the evening. My muscle memory. When I go get a drink, I grab Braxton’s bowl. And now I have all this knowledge for a future that doesn’t exist. V is not B, I don’t think. Still, the name… Virgil.

V’s not guiding me; we are both stumbling through this Hell together, asking, now what? And it would be one thing to destroy our lives, Lunalesca, but people don’t understand. Take any zombie film, and I would instead die than risk spreading the virus to anyone else. And that’s stupidity. I’m a fucking monster, and then people want me, infecting. Lunalesca, you saw what B III was and how dare I do that to V. Train the dog, hmm, Lu? He doesn’t do stairs or potty on the pad, And Hell, the only sounds he makes are hacking up a lung or crying. Why? Because he doesn’t understand? Lunalesca, same. But we keep going like slaves because IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. No! Don’t B Dumb Virgil

657 Days Without B III, Day 098 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 139 ~B Hold, V’s Place~

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Nothing’s gonna change my world… but until I have one, I must exist in this one. And the world keeps on turning. B III’s bed is on the other side. V doesn’t curl up like a pancake. More like he goes all over. But really, where am I? B Hold V’s Place.

Thursday, November 17, 2022

Saga 139 ~B Hold, V’s Place~

655 Days Without B III, Day 096 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You know this week and the next for me… It ain’t right but to write.

The things I forget. Not you, Triple B, never you. Everything remains exactly the same. Okay, so that’s a lie. Braxton, see why I never told you… EVERYTHING. 90, 98%? Inevitable. Should I survive the rest of the day… Wednesday, November 16, 2022? I’ll be madder. None of this is Virgil’s fault, of course. Hell! Not when I threw out your last can of food. Or when I was sure you were haunting me. I would find a toy or bandanna thrown about somewhere. Is that a point in V’s favor? I was telling Echo that V ain’t you, but? Well, again, it could be the time of the year. If I wasn’t so busy with… no, not for you. I haven’t told Virgil Vivi.

So humiliating I should go back to talking to Inspector Echo. I’m not Virgil’s Daddy. Only I find myself playing that role again, and I want to remember how it was with us, B III. Didn’t I write a whole ass book about it? And yet I have to face this week and the next. Anyway, let me get to the point. So I let Virgil sleep on the bed. You had your side. How I miss that. We would be back to back. Your constant vigilance of the bedroom door. When you weren’t at your post. I’ve noticed I find myself at the edge of the bed every morning, and Virgil is dead center. Even when I’m writing, Virgil Vivi takes up space. (Sigh)

I had to move your bed over by the bathroom. You hated waiting for me to get out of the shower. The thing is, I saw Virgil sniffing around your bed, and I yelled. Virgil knows. That bed is where you died. And here comes today’s bout of tears. He stays away from there for the most part. I’m still mad about your pillow; he pooped on it. And I destroyed it; it’s in the closet. V has your food/water bowls. A few of your toys, too; it ain’t right. And now, his first Thanksgiving here. Your favorite day next to your birthday, I know. It’s not his place to be you. Mine to be a Dad? Everything has its place. B Hold, V’s Place.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad