Tag: Guilt

Tale 125 ~Read… Ready… B, V~

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Am I ready to live or exist? Am I ready to read about life? Last week, I read of a guy and a corpse. Now, there’s a guy, a corpse, and a witch coven. People celebrate Christmas… now. I celebrate Halloween? Effing dead. Never Ready. Read… Ready… B, V.

Friday, November 3, 2023

Tale 125 ~Read… Ready… B, V~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let ME tell you a story… But I would rather write you a few. Hell! I should have written several. Next Week?

It’s like listening to Succubus Lord for… I don’t know how many times by now. But according to Audible, it’s been a lot. And you know what I want to say about them. Only I go back and forth on this whole censorship thing. I wish I could say certain things and call it free speech. It’s why I keep my mouth shut, ears filled and lost fifteen bucks. Meh. Yet opening my eyes and reading. It didn’t occur to me to read all those pet loss books while Braxton was dying. He was going to live. Sophia, that’s where faith lays, with B III. But at the same time, I read as I didn’t want to worry about it with B crossing the bridge.

Now, why do I bring this up today? Well, besides the fact that I talk about B III every day. If I had to express all my fears, we would be here, My Lady. Uh, “EVERYTHING” isn’t that hard to say? Writing it? Anyway, I’m afraid I won’t write Braxton’s name one day. Hmm? Before I decide to start scanning years sniffle worth of blogs. Again, what’s with today? It’s how I stayed ahead to watch my boy cross over. And yet, I’m not ready to step out of this bed. One step towards life or even a better existence at this point. And as I say that, My Lady. There was a zombie package at the door. A package for my package. Uh gross.

I really didn’t make a joke about “my” new toys, did I? My Lady, that’s the only thing I’m ever ready for. I’m always ready to get some. So, when was the last time that happened? This is more of a confession for Inspector Echo, but I’m always ready to read the truth. The last time I ever “got some” would be around seven years ago. Never in this house!!! And I can’t even blame that on Braxton. When it came to Carolina Bound, the woman I would make his honorary aunt since she’s like a sister to me. My son did try to play wingman. Did I ever read to him about moms? Not even how girls became mothers. Nope. Read… Ready… B, V

1006 Days Without B III, Day 447 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 123 ~Getting A B, Virgil~

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If I’d earned a few… a lot of A’s, I’d have a grade A existence. Schools don’t have scholarships for zombie tales or HaremLit. And while I love my boy and took Virgil in, I hate Math. So much for my plans to be a vet. A writer? “Getting A B, Virgil.”

Wednesday, November 1, 2023

Tale 123 ~Getting A B, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. It’s not like I’m fooling anyone into believing I’m a righteous man. How about a writer or reader?

Today is the first day of NaNoWriMo, which WAS usually hard on Braxton and me. Usually, it means another unpublished book. And with two months out from E-Day. So, ten months away from being forty? I swear I thought I was afraid before Inspector Echo. Halloween was yesterday. And what spooky things did I do with the night, dear Echo? Well, I read Satan’s Sorority Girls 3. And wanted to break with Grayson and Julia. Frightening? Inspector Echo, you know November is the month guys say NO to specific activities. But yeah, I watched Halloween Havoc for the following reason. Say it with me, Inspector. YABBOS! I should have listened to Braxton. The best legs, breasts, and thighs come from a bucket of chicken, Inspector.

Then maybe, just maybe, I would have more energy to write. And more time, Inspector. Hell! I could have a new subject to write about. I get F’s in everything else. That is if I let people peruse it, got it published, and didn’t use it as a punishment device. Writing poetry and prose meant so much more once upon a time. Once I got out of school, that is. Was it only 2020 2021 that I figured it was the way out for Braxton and me to live? Ha-Ha! Braxton found his way out, but what about me? Selfish much? It is inevitable, Inspector. Indifference killed my boy because I had to keep my anger at the Day Job far away from him, always.

Then there was my stupidity. I bought some Halloween “cool devices” from a particular company this week. Did I mention how my monster of choice has always been the Dead?

And now I’m reading a bill on zombie toys. Doesn’t Virgil need more stuff, Inspector? And I could be looking up ideas for stories, but would they be published somehow? Inspector, if I want a good horror story, I could look at The Day Job. And all the things I need to sign up for to continue to be one of The Walking Dead. For V’s sake, sigh. And last night, I got a message from M Anime assuring me, “Oh God, I’m gonna die alone.” Not surprising. But my boys? Getting A B, Virgil.

1004 Days Without B III, Day 445 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 118 ~Just Breathe, B, Virgil~

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So I finished a book about a guy and a corpse. Then, last night, I hoped I wouldn’t see one as Virgil breathed weirdly. Should have read up on how to help him. If I had time. 15 years with B, what do I know of dog first aid. “Just Breathe, B, Virgil”

Friday, October 27, 2023

Tale 118 ~Just Breathe, B, Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let ME tell you a story… Better yet, I need to read how to perform basic first aid on dogs. Virgil Vivi?

Lady Sophia, if you’re asking why I’m so late this morning. Hell! I lounged around in bed for an hour. And then I can’t say I was reading anything. How do THEY say… A picture is worth a thousand words. So, how many pairs of Yabbos is that? The answer might surprise you. But we’re not here because of Math. Next to History, Reading rules. Inevitable. And according to Kindle, I’ve read for 562 days. And not one of those books would have saved V last night. Don’t worry. He’s very much alive. Breathing? Happy? He’s becoming more and more like me. Except I think he would prefer breathing, Sophia. But what do I know? Braxton wanted to make me happy. What makes me happy?

Didn’t The Beatles write a song about it? Only I’m not one for that kind of violence. Have you seen the news the past few days? Something else I want to avoid seeing, hearing about, or reading. Then again, I could tell you that Virgil Vivi was gone. After the trouble, he had last night. I petted him and begged him to take a breath. Again, looking up medical emergencies. Sophia, I didn’t. While Braxton lay dying, I finished Succubus Lord 7, next came 8. Vladimir Nabokov’s The Enchanter came after. So, um, three books before I got to sigh… A Dog’s Purpose by W. Bruce Cameron. But what is my purpose, to keep breathing? More than likely, it’s to waste air, Sophia, I swear.

It’s a good enough reason not to buy physical copies of books. It’s an insult, Lady Sophia, to trees, blasphemy to the air, and humanity… What about it? Look at the last seven books that I’ve read. Sunday has always been a bad day. Well, since B died. But talking to the Man in the Mirror. Hell! I guess he’s sick of telling me about my failures every week. Anyway, I was talking about novels. The last seven were about dirty priests, vampires, elves, video game vixens, and a girl’s corpse. “Can’t Get It Up If The Girl’s Breathing.” Eww! Thank you, Repo! The Genetic Opera. Unfortunately, genetics, “my” biological imperative, demands I keep breathing. How these stories end. Virgil’s story? Just Breathe, B, Virgil

999 Days Without B III, Day 440 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 116 ~Virgil On B’s Time~

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What time is it? When I was 36 and Braxton was 15, we didn’t care. If I had my way, he would be 18, and I would have never seen 7. I’d say 0, but I love my Ma. And with nearly 1,000 days, I can still cry for my boy. He’s My Son. V? Virgil On B’s Time

Wednesday, October 25, 2023

Tale 116 ~Virgil On B’s Time~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. Is grieving a sin? It’s been 997 days, so three shy of 1000. As always, my Little Braxton.

I cried for him today, Tuesday, October 24, 2023. So, I’m only looking one day ahead. And yes, I will weep. But only because of the Day Job. Or I hope so. I wish to be sad, I swear, Echo. THEY say that “Anger is more useful than Despair.” And as Dr. Banner put it. “I’m always angry.” Always and forever, Inspector Echo. Who has that kind of time ever? Inspector, as I told Dear Future Wife today, I do. I have hated myself for the majority of 39 years of this existence. And the fact that I’ll make it to 40… Inspector Echo, geez. October is a month of scary things. Isn’t it? I still want zombies, but my boy B is in ashes.

So why is Virgil living on B III time? It’s not like it’s doing me any favors, even today. Ha! It’s three in the afternoon, so shouldn’t I be talking to Madam Justice? Procrastination, Echo. Virgil has been here for 438 days. And he’s still asking me when will be his time to come out and play. He’s living like Braxton did during his last days. And at least Braxton had the biological imperative to survive. My boy would eat, drink water, and use his pad. Even when he was dying, Inspector. He didn’t want his water right next to him. B was a man. And he walked to where his water dish once was. I need these tears, hmm. Today’s humiliations won’t be enough?

I’ve had alarm bells all day, both Tuesday and Wednesday. I told Dear Future Wife a nightmare awakened me this morning. There have been sirens, both police and women. There’s the silence of my overthinking, overloading. And, um, overflowing. And Inspector something as simple as the wind that could blow down the fence anytime. It can be all over. Inspector Echo, doesn’t Virgil deserve a chance, a choice, and his case on the clock? It’s Braxton’s first meds, outside time, and second dose every day. And everything I did was to one day have more time with him. The time I spend with Virgil… We both don’t know. “Time Has Come Today,” it will. Be it 3, 18, 39. Sigh, E-Day. Virgil On B’s Time

997 Days Without B III, Day 438 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 111 ~Booked Virgil’s Birthday, Braxton~

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With the reading and writing, I do. I’m now saving Virgil’s Birthday? He’s turning three. So, another step towards fifteen… And ain’t nobody reading Braxton’s books yet. It’s hard when they’re unpublished. But today? Booked Virgil’s Birthday, Braxton

Friday, October 20, 2023

Tale 111 ~Booked Virgil’s Birthday, Braxton~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let ME tell you a story… About how I was a better Daddy to Braxton than Virgil? Hell! That’s like Succubus Lord.

I know that series front, back, and sideways. I’m getting ready to listen to three again (hint, hint). But when I’m going to sleep, I tell myself a bedtime story. I’m already on six and Jacob’s road into Hell. And if that ain’t the story of this existence, minus the hot succubi and other friends.

But let’s stay on topic, which for once ain’t B III. Who am I kidding? It’s always about Triple B. Only today can I focus on Virgil Vivi. Today, he is turning three. And if he’s anything like me, he’d belt out, “I’m still alive. Must have been a miracle.” Or a curse? As the “Good Book” says, we’re all damned anyway. Well, me always. All for my Little Braxton. But what about “my” Virgil?

Do you see what time it is? I can’t say it was the first thing I read. Next to mirrors, clocks are the worst things to look at. Because every second, I can see myself wasting “my” existence. It’s days like yesterday that show everyone else sees this worthless existence.

So I’m not even going to pretend to be happy for Virgil’s birthday? First, I’m never happy about anything. And second, I’ve been trying to be positive. What would make Virgil happy? I wonder. I wasted another seven dollars this morning, but I’m canceling plenty.

“OF” subscriptions? My Lady, particular kinks will do that. Didn’t I talk about my eyes being messed up sometime this week? If anything, I’m tired. And still, there’s time travel.

Only I didn’t think of that when I refused to stay for three extra hours at the Day Job. And you would think with the spare time I’d be finished reading a particular book, that’s um… how to describe it?

I won’t. But I’m so sick of reading about everyone else’s successes. But not any of my own. My Lady, I never burn books but could use the light from V’s B-Day candles. That is if I decide to get up and do anything for his third birthday. Good Luck. “The sun is up, the sky is blue. It’s beautiful, and so are you.” Well, it beats singing Happy Birthday.

Words on an invitation, a card, a gift. Suppose I had Booked Virgil’s Birthday, Braxton.

992 Days Without B III, Day 433 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 109 ~Curtains For B, Virgil~

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Is it curses or curtains? Either way, I’m awake and have to see the world. The window’s not high enough. And the privacy fence is breaking, so the doors will need curtains. And nothing will block out my greatest crime anyway. “Curtains For B, Virgil”

Wednesday, October 18, 2023

Tale 109 ~Curtains For B, Virgil~

Bless Me, Echo,
For I have sinned. It’s been a week since my last confession. Though this week hasn’t been as HARD… We’ll get there.

I continue to cry over B III’s death. Or not? Hmm. I had something in my eye. Or so I thought. It’s been the only reason I’ve shed a few tears. You know how I love to sleep. And if anything gets me to open these eyes all big and wide… staring at some massive… Inspector, I’m supposed to be talking about Braxton, right? I remember I wanted to take him on the road with me when his Aunt Carolina was getting married. Sore subject? Inspector, I’ll be forty come next E-Day. Yes, thirty-nine continues to suck. I should cry. Or, as the song goes, you “Make Me Wanna Die.” This is another reason I need a weapons lockbox instead of a nightstand drawer. Curtains?

If I wanted that, I could open a window. The house needs to be bigger. But I can dream my existence away. It’s nothing like waking up and it’s nearly midnight. In case you were wondering why I’m calling you so late. The cold, the dark, and the laziness. Thinking of B. My son was dying, but still, B got up and walked to his water bowl even when I moved it closer to him. I’m trying with the waterworks, aren’t I? And what about Virgil Vivi? Inspector, if I survive tomorrow, then I can worry about him. I’m not driving down the highway today. Again, there’s Braxton’s Aunt. And now I have to talk to the government. With my luck? Crimes? Curses/Curtains foiled again.

Or should I say soiled again? Hell! I wish I had made such a mess in the shower. That would make for easy cleaning. I also have plenty of paper towels. So what broke me? Inspector, honest to God, I’ve downloaded more Japanese anime. That I don’t have a prayer of ever pronouncing. There have been plenty of cosplayers and AI girls to gawk at. Inspector, I can never forget Cherry and her pigtails. Finally, I put more money up on “OF,” and I discovered this particular model I’m aching to pay off. Paywalls Inspector. What’s one more curtain? And with all my secrets… That would be motivation enough to join Braxton. But Virgil’s turning three on the 20th. Anniversaries? Birthdays? Curtains For B, Virgil

990 Days Without B III, Day 431 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 104 ~Virgil’s That Sleepy B~

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The best things in life… Sex, Simoleons, and sleep. What about my son? Well, Braxton ain’t here no more. I’ve been sleeping too much to listen to Succubus Lord. What about Satan’s Sorority Sisters. Plus, it’s “Friday the 13th.” Virgil’s That Sleepy B

Friday, October 13, 2023

Tale 104 ~Virgil’s That Sleepy B~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let ME tell you a story… It won’t be the one of braving the highway and or talking to the local government.

No, Lady Sophia. I was too busy doing my best impression of Gabrielle lost to the Flames of Brunhilda. You remember from Xena: Warrior Princess. The last thing I need. Ideas, like I’m Jason Derulo in Want to Want Me. I don’t want to tell myself lies about my continued abstinence. Yeah, right! As if I could even wake up to reset my days without… Lady Sophia, I can live without THAT… I can’t live without Braxton. I’m still breathing. Yes, I am aware. I’m not burning books, but that doesn’t mean the air is clean. It’s clear enough for me to spend all this time sleeping. And after the week I’ve had, Sophia. One more reason I couldn’t go to the courthouse today, sigh.

Well, tell me some pretty girl is waiting for me there… I’m thirty-nine. (Groans). Lady Sophia, I can read all the books about losing fur babies throughout the universe. But a book about love? Myself? Hell! What about a book on cooking? I’ve started reading or instead listening to Succubus Lord again. But I don’t think that counts. And neither does Backyard Dungeon, I’m afraid. I meant to get the audiobook. But I didn’t try too hard to find it. This week has had me reading takeout menus and recipes I’ve seen a thousand times. And government legalese. And all I want to do is close my eyes again. Existence. It’s so hard, Lady Sophia. And no wonder Virgil is following suit as he sleeps.

I’ve spoken so many times in Braxton’s eyes. Seeing myself in his eyes made me want to be better. Virgil knows that if I look at him, I’ll see myself as… Soy un Perdedor, sigh. Only that’s my problem, so why should he have to suffer with being sleeping cuteness? Sophia, I don’t think I’ve ever read the story of Sleeping Beauty. And my stories? Yesterday, as I was listening to Succubus Lord. One of the Succubi talked about fantasies. You know of the dark and forbidden. I imagined what does that mean with mine. Someday, I may write it down if I haven’t already. Any day is a good day for an edit, hmm. I have money? Could I rest? Virgil’s That Sleepy B

985 Days Without B III, Day 426 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 102 ~That’ll B Beeping, Virgil~

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Where would I be without my glasses? Hell! Even if I couldn’t see what time it was. I would still have to make my way over to the alarm clock somehow, someway. And I need four because being thirty-nine after a month sucks. “That’ll B Beeping, Virgil”

Wednesday, October 11, 2023

Tale 102 ~That’ll B Beeping, Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I have sinned and must confess. Or at least ask the question. Where have these intros been all of my existence? Hmm…

Listen to me. Or I’d rather you didn’t. Because, in the words of Cody Rhodes, what do you want to talk about? And as with every day, it involves me crying about my son Braxton. Don’t you see what time it is? So, I can be forgiven for not shedding tears thus far. And it’s not like I’m yelling at Virgil, either. I only do if he’s in danger. And it’s not like that possum and cat made a sound. Another reason I could only hear my breathing. There was my heart beating out of my chest. And a myriad of excuses if Virgil had been attacked. I remember when Braxton had stepped on a pine cone, a nail, or whatever. I have no clue.

And it was hard having to explain to the vet what was wrong with B. Five Hundred Dollars? This would come much later when the vet would have to explain why Braxton was dying. Again, there were no words from me. Except, it’s my fault. And am I trying to give myself a reason to cry right now? I had them bawling at the Day Job yesterday. Inspector, that was from their laughter. If I had to list the worst sounds in all of this existence. Inspector, so It Follows:

  1. Braxton’s Last Breath
  2. People I Believe Are Laughing at Me
  3. All of “my” Alarm Clocks
  4. My Breath, Realizing I Still Exist
  5. What I Say Afterwards
  6. People Telling Me No

It brings back wanting billions…

Only the money that I have right now, Inspector? I hear those dollars and cents going everywhere but back into my pocket. Hell! I thought I had ten bucks yesterday, but I used debit on a three-dollar sandwich. And don’t get me started on Full Moon BBQ. As the song goes, “I think I used to have a voice.” What I needed was a burger, Inspector. And I was so ready to complain on the day it happened. But lying, Inspector? One of the whoppers has me moaning all over the place these last few days. When I’m not listening to girls and imagining all those dirty, filthy words, there’s “Success.” Jealous hearing it all, Inspector, it’s never for me. Ever!? That’ll B Beeping, Virgil.

983 Days Without B III, Day 424 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 097 ~Braxton’s Needlessly Picky Virgil…~

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Soon I will end up in a waiting room with crappy magazines. A car dealership, the mechanic down the street, or a health clinic. With Braxton, it was an orange bench and “my” thoughts. A picky thing, books? Braxton’s Needlessly Picky Virgil…

Friday, October 6, 2023

Tale 097 ~Braxton’s Needlessly Picky Virgil…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Let ME tell you a story… As soon as I find one. Best thing I’ve read today or not. Day Job schedule

It thrills, terrifies, and takes stones, not knowing what I’m doing to get paid again. Oh, how I miss my son. Let me count the ways. When it came to Braxton, money was no object, Sophia. Unfortunately, his Daddy was lazy and angry. And by my math, that equals one thing. Indifference. Is that why I want to read about dead fur babies? To feel what I should have felt the moment Braxton tried to tell me something was wrong. I swear these people. My Lady, they do anything and everything for their fur kids. Where was I, Sophia? Hmm. Reading and writing. As if I really believed I was getting brighter and taking care. Repetition, that’s what Hell is. Repetition. My boy’s death repeated.

Hell! I didn’t find him alive in Virgil. But I see him leaving me, again and again, and again, My Lady. And before his passing… okay, and after with what I’ve been doing all day. Lust would be my darkest sin. It’s Friday, September 29, 2023. A whole week, Sophia. Anyway, if I have to go and TRY to get the car fixed, I need a book that takes my mind off things. I continue to think about Backyard Dungeon 2 by Logan Jacobs. But didn’t I say something about one of the races in the first one? The Nictors? To take offense? Lady Sophia, with everything in the world today and me paying these racists anyway, hmm. There’s other HaremLit, Erotica, Carnival of Flesh

And how about all the other books I have in the Kindle Library? There’s something educational every now and again. Funny, this fascination with reading kept me out of textbooks. But with the Republican party these days. Righteousness over wickedness. That’s the easiest decision to make. Yeah, the GOP are the baddies, Obviously, My Lady. Only choosing between books filled with wise words I will never follow. There are stories of crimes that would keep me on the straight and narrow path… Ha-Ha! What about something to help Virgil? As if I have patience… sitting in bed, talking. Braxton had it easy: peanut butter, cheese, or hot dogs. Free Will? More like spoiled. Sophia? All because I’m lacking waiting room reading. Braxton’s Needlessly Picky Virgil…

978 Days Without B III, Day 419 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 095 ~Hey Jealous V, Braxton~

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One of B’s greatest accomplishments was making God or whatever jealous. The last look in his eyes… He wanted to stay. And what watch me pant, drool, and rave over what I want. Family, food, fun. He was his father’s son. Now V. Hey Jealous V, Braxton.

Wednesday, October 4, 2023

Tale 095 ~Hey Jealous V, Braxton~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now… This means I’m not paranoid. People are watching me. A spam call here… fake emails there…

But no. I’m nobody. That’s what Virgil’s eyes are telling me. A full-length mirror. Courtesy of the Day Job I hate. Braxton’s eyes would show someone better than this. Inspector, as the song goes, “He Lives In You.” B’s jealously were our dining options. Only I was usually sharing with him anyway. Sharing, I swear, some days Inspector, sigh. I go to YouTube and see a pair of my favorite reactors brought their son into the world a couple of days ago. Good for them. Doing what they love. With whom they love. It’s beautiful

Meanwhile, I see on Twitter/X whatever. That a girl went and bought herself a house. Then, on OnlyFans, this former wrestler raised her rates from 0 to $7.99 in days.

Yes, I’m just a jealous guy. I’m jealous of the guy I was last night and who I am today. There’s a man who could tell you the truth and one who has to lie to your face, Echo. Um, considering today is Monday, September 25, 2023. Time Travel. Lies are still lies, hmm. There was the guy who was motivated “come” last night. But today, I’m back sitting in bed, falling way behind after a humiliating time at the Day Job. And I added to it. Inspector, it was all my choice. And even when it’s not, like last night. I’m in pain, and I make the worst decision. I’m sure Virgil can tell you about that when I adopted him. Poor little guy

But you know who makes me particularly jealous? The living? Who I should be. Inspector, it’s the dead… a horrible idea. And no, I don’t want to be a zombie. But last night, my eye… And no, I’m not in love with the dead. There are some dark, twisted places, Inspector. Zombies, though, are my favorite type of apocalypse. The only world I could handle, Echo. You laugh? I mean… I can’t take people now. But at least zombies only have one mission unless we’re talking about that “famous” novel by S Wolf. Good times. Inspector, I’m jealous of everyone else’s good times. But that’s on me. I’ll own it. And I’m jealous of Virgil dreaming of “A Place Called Home.” Hey Jealous V, Braxton

976 Days Without B III, Day 417 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will