Tag: Addiction

Episode 185 ~Ink And Drive Will~

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Reasons I would get a tattoo, one for B III, to show I’m a survivor even as “Ill Will,” or for a pretty girl, and which one have I done this week; how about why I’m a writer, spend more time with my kid, making a living, and girls. Ink And Drive Will

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Episode 185 ~Ink And Drive Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, keep your fucking mouth shut, as always Inspector Echo “language” but between you and me FUCK is turning out to be the word of the year, so far, my power, my pleasure, my pain. If I’m going to start quoting songs why not Joy & Pain because I’ve been feeling a lot of that already and while this song reminds me of my aunt it doesn’t bother me unlike a few other words hurting like Hell.

You see words cost Inspector Echo, I’m a writer so I should understand this more than most, but as for why I don’t speak most of the time, of course, the first reason is FEAR because more often than not it drives me. As I said FUCK has been on my tongue in both good and bad ways, but mostly it’s because I’ve made a mistake and others well, I can’t help myself seeing where I have succeeded… especially where that MILF is concerned. FORGET, what that I’m skeevy… in the past, one of these days, how about the gentleman I want to be, I’m free to let the dominant out, how about all common sense but is it a sin for a man to give in to primal urges?

Writing I believe gives us more time to think, and that’s the thing I don’t know what I was thinking or that she and others might give in, hell I was scared to write to one Milf, and then another was willing not DTF but still. I’ll tell you this, when its numbers and not words, well both go pretty fast, so maybe I shouldn’t count that as a sin either, less money means I need to write plenty more and I’m not one of those guys who decided clicks over chicks. So honestly Inspector Echo have I committed any sins, and I mean it is Wednesday, but drugs are an addiction, alcohol, and of course women, and if it’s in texts, giving my word, or the ink on her skin I’m riding pretty high.

As I said words all come with a price tag, and I am willing to pay, with my time, my money, my name, but they can also be an investment, I could be sitting on a goldmine maybe? As always though I need forgiveness Inspector Echo, I’ve been writing with my penis since the start of this year, how about things I would never say with my mouth, end up in texts and stories. The fact that it’s so hard to forget because well I’m so hard but if you saw this Milf Inspector Echo, damn Ink And Drive Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 070 ~Will’s Wonderwall Written Withdrawal~

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It has taken me all day to work on this and why is that, because I’m an addict needing a fix and no I don’t drink or smoke, and I graduated from DARE twice, but still here I am. Will’s Wonderwall Written Withdrawal.

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Episode 070 ~Will’s Wonderwall Written Withdrawal~

To Will:
Give Me One Reason other than my hands seriously need something to do, and you haven’t taken a nap all day, and soon you’ll be in so much pain so better to get this done right now. As if I got anything done this week, I know you’re feeling like a junkie, a comfortable one at that but still with all the worry and surviving and no I won’t make up excuses, if there was but one win, well you’re on the couch.

Things could always be worse, wouldn’t that be the title of your biography, you don’t look for the wins, hell you don’t even acknowledge the comfort zone, today’s word would be WANT. For damn sure it wasn’t WISH, and maybe we should stop talking about that if we aren’t going to talk about how to get that done, the who what, when, where, and why but of course you have that answer. Will to WORK but I’m banging my head against a brick wall there aren’t I, you know which head I’m talking about, but yeah this is my fault, alright these Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 003 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
Failed (Day 005 No Fap)
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
Failed
3. I Will Survive “The Day”
Completed
4. I Will Not Get Arrested, Be Not So Fearful
Partial Completion, Did Not Get Arrested
5. I Will Finish “Ven” by Ker Dukey and K. Webster
Failed
6. I Will Edit At Least One Chapter of “Apocalypse Rush” (Novel)
Failed

Women *sigh* not even a week in and already you’re ready to lose your mind and with all the books, and writing that you aren’t doing; if there is anything to celebrate it should be number four but living in fear might as well count as a failure. What did I say about words too, even getting our conversation out is a chore unto itself, and here I thought you were a better man than me, a year older but another number is the last thing you need. Wondering about everything in this life when handling the bare essentials is one more problem you have yet to face, already spent this week’s budget and what about your kid, and of course those Six Impossible Things:

1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 005 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
3. “I Will” Review “The Art Of Peace”
4. I Will Eat A Bowl Of Cereal Every Day Before Leaving Here
5. I Will Finish “Ven” by Ker Dukey and K. Webster
6. I Will Edit At Least One Chapter of “Apocalypse Rush” (Novel)

When you build walls Will you must have a purpose and if it’s only to knock them down, why would you even begin; because whatever lies on the other side is worth the strength you must gain. That’s fear for you, isn’t it, hell life in general, the terror was your creation, but with everything else, well you know how that is but you must take some responsibility, yes more motivation Whatever It Takes Will.

Right now you’re scratching, hell damn near clawing; you want to get over there so badly that it hurts and I don’t know what to tell you friend, but this is Will’s Wonderwall Written Withdrawal.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 312 ~Like A Light Switch~

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I wish happiness were as easy to turn on like everything else in my life, hell like myself in some cases but while I’m avoiding some things, let’s hope a smile will not be my undoing. “Like A Light Switch”

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Lesson 312 ~Like A Light Switch~

Forgive Me Echo,
Can You Love Me Again, yeah like I once loved HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, or those afternoons watching “Toonami” or staying up late to watch *gasp* Adult Swim, such were the days before the Internet for me? If I never told you the story before about how I discovered “Hentai” I got two words for you… “Tenchi Muyo!” and just like that, you may bring on the darkness.

So what exactly is today’s sin, maybe it’s a loss of control, I did something today, and it’s one thing when you sin without forethought but to do so when you have experience and those who don’t learn from history… I suppose I am feeling quite blessed today but I swear to you here and now it will go no further on my part, yeah and every “aficionado” says they’re going to kick and what happens next? Is it fair to call me an addict and to be honest I don’t know why I stopped, though am I seeing any benefit; I might have been smart enough to steer clear.

“Never trust a big butt and smile” Bell Biv Devoe

On the other hand, I found something stronger than terror and forgive me for embracing fear, but it keeps you alive, and I don’t even know why I’m stressing, I was yesterday, and here I am today. What about this, the boldness, the daring, the audacity to call myself a dominant when I can’t do something as simple as making friends and especially at such a fragile time in my life. Disappointing as well as tomorrow you know who is coming by and if nothing happens then I have squandered my opportunity, and I won’t be able to make another move, my hands will be tied; instead of hers right…

“Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things.” ― Zombieland (2009)

Aren’t my hands tied already or sleeping like the rest of me because it’s the only way I can find to stop worrying but then again, remember, remember, the fifth of November, almost the same circumstances though I’m not that far gone. Was I practicing self-abstinence then too; if anything I feel somewhat like a kid again when my “adult entertainment” consisted of a binder full of porn and sneaking past library internet safety guidelines.

So will you forgive me Inspector Echo, for the misguided youngster I once was, the stress of youth desired, remembered, and history ignored, my addiction to beautiful women, or calling myself a dominant and my pursuit of the perfect submissive; turned on so casually I’ll say Like A Light Switch?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 072 ~Madness Takes Its Toll

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I’m not a fancy of The Rocky Horror Picture Show but as found myself growing angry at the mere thought of my day job I found myself becoming exhausted and the price of all this is happiness? Madness Takes Its Toll I don’t make enough to sacrifice joy

Monday, September 11, 2017

Lesson 072 ~Madness Takes Its Toll

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, though it comes cheap, hell it’s practically free, as the holy rollers say about God, he may not come when you want him but he’ll be there right on time. It’s like taking a flask to work, you have to hide it, you know it’s wrong, and you need it settle your nerves quite often.

It’s one of the reasons I’m getting to you so late today and I never thought of myself as a drinker, but I’m an unusual creature, other people drink coffee to function, alcohol to relax, and who knows what else? They say money won’t buy happiness but as the song goes I’d like a chance to see, how about you tell me where they are handing it out. Maybe that’s why I spend anger like it’s no tomorrow as with my fear you can’t get rid of it, talk about being a rich man today.

“It’s all right, little brother… there are more!” Herger the Joyous, The 13th Warrior (1999)

Just like drinking for a living though, what is the value in it, I could ask myself the same thing when it comes to writing, because don’t people say if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life? I think I told you before, that when I go to work, I get physically ill, sometimes I try to keep it all in my head because I have to do it, and while I’m not sure about whatever I’m doing, I don’t get paid enough to be angry all the time. Six hours today Luna and that’s twenty-four hours I’ve wasted as far as I’m concerned, that’s unless you count anger as making any real profit.

“I’m gonna teach you to HATE spending money. I’m gonna make you so sick of spending money that the mere sight of it will make you wanna throw up!” – Rupert Horn, Brewster’s Millions (1985)

It’s a load of BS that people say happiness lies within, I had the week off and that anger that was dribbling down came back as if I won the lotto and where do I spend the most of it? Honestly, I never thought of myself as one for self-harm, but how many times did I pound my fist into something, how many times did I go and slap myself, always pay yourself first right?

“Anger is more useful than despair.” -, Terminator, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Maybe I need to take stock of what makes me happy, grateful of course is one thing I must never forget but happy, isn’t this what happens to drunks. What have I learned today, the price of happiness is time and for some reason, I always seem to be flat broke, Madness Takes Its Toll?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 032 ~In Oprah We Trust~

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I don’t think I ever watched Oprah as a child except once when they were talking about children being kidnapped, thanks for fostering that fear grand mommy. “In Oprah We Trust”, I saw the cover of her magazine and strangely enough found courage.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Lesson 032 ~In Oprah We Trust~

Hey Lady Lu,
I think I’m starting to sound like Phil Dunphy… I’m turned on by powerful (black women) not really truthfully, but this is the second time one has inspired me so. Not so much the courageous thought but today Oprah via a magazine, gave me a new life motto today, something I’m truly trying to actualize, “NO FEAR”.

“I’ll admit it, I’m turned on by powerful women, Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena … Williams … wait a minute.” Phil Dunphy, Modern Family

It wouldn’t be the first time, you remember the dreams, Luna, hell the absolute certainty, when it comes to writing, an endorsement from Oprah and your words were seen as holy writ. I want to feel that certainty now, that one day I’m not going to feel like this, that one day I’m going to embrace those words, no fear, she didn’t even say it like that but the things you find in the break room at work. A bunch of idiots talking about nothing, that Mr. Goodbar that is becoming my go to snack, the mother of my children that is going to get me into trouble once again…

So why today and how about tomorrow, how about right now, if anything I wish I was being more articulate with this, but the best ideas often come at the worst times. As much as I want to embrace this new ideology, I know I’m not ready yet, couldn’t ask the mother of my children her name. I won’t let myself forget about this new motto tomorrow, I need to ingrain this as easily as I did “the incident” as quickly as any other humiliation, I need to know this.

To think this all started with a magazine cover in which the question was asked, “what would you do if you weren’t afraid”? Do we really want to know Lu, my hands are shaking at mere aspect, like father like son right, Braxton and I, afraid of what we love the most or I hope?

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.”
― by Ayn Rand

You know if anything I’m always one for a good quote; knowledge I think is perhaps the greatest gift you can give and I mean in every single form, mental, carnal, ideological, and even spiritual as long as it requires you to think. One of the reasons I both hate the church and envy them because they tell you not to think but by wiping you of the will to do so you gain the courage to do anything really.

“Seek out a kingdom worthy of your soul” Worthy of Your Soul” by DJ Milky and b-nCHANt-d featuring Rachel Pollack

This is my life’s motto, for a long time I considered it the meaning of life, not so much anymore but even now this is where I’m headed but my mistake has been operating from the shadows. No one builds a kingdom from the dark but rather brick by brick, stone by stone, in the light of day and they don’t let anything stop them, even when they don’t have anything really to show for it, even when others are surpassing them. I apologize, Luna, I just saw something and to be honest my heart is sort of hurt; nothing against me but it still sucks, damn you “Ms. Seasons”.

“Blowing out someone else’s candle doesn’t make yours shine any brighter.” I have no idea

I knew I should have waited but curiosity right… okay I’m getting over it, anyway this just goes to show that I must be braver again, no fear, what has fear ever gotten me. Maybe like hate it gets a bad rap, you know what I say about hate and with fear I have lived by yet another motto “it’s better to be a live chicken than a dead duck” but on that note, I’ve had plenty of chicken and I’ve never had duck. Think about how most chickens live out their lives, now I’m no farmer but if anything I look at ducks somewhat better than I do chickens.

“Let us take the world by the throat and make it give us what we desire.” Conan the Barbarian (1982)

No fear my lady, everything but fear, the Marquis de Sade says lust leads to other passions, Yoda says it’s fear, you know this is going to take a long time for me to accept one or the other or even both. Today let’s say that Oprah and Yoda are right, we’ll get to lust soon enough but the question still remains, what would you do if you weren’t afraid?

“A word of advice – don’t mistake stupidity for courage.” The Undertaker, The Cherokee Kid

“The Day” is coming up soon and I’ve often said… to myself, that everything I ever wanted was inappropriate, insane, or illegal so let’s pretend I’m not afraid, what’s next…

When I was making my new year’s resolutions, one was the fact I wanted a new woman in my bed every month or a girlfriend and I can’t say I have lived up to either of them. A part of me wants to say something to Ms. Seasons about the “mile-high club” but at the moment I’m still too angry, I gained the courage to talk to you again to start really writing because I was so upset. How about making a move on that girl today, “Senseless” nearly got me fired, I’m really going to have to start remembering all these nicknames for real.
As far as insane, I could always quit my day job and start writing full time but wouldn’t that be stupidity disguised as courage, I’m sure that’s what everyone would say. I could finally stand up to my father which borders on the illegal side of the line because if I were to do that…

Should I really tell you about anything I would do that is illegal, honestly Lady Lu it’s just you and me in this place isn’t it but okay, I could always have a woman… if I were willing to pay for her of course. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to kill someone, they say games like GTA make us killers, and stuff life Virgin Roster makes us so much worse but I’ve always been pretty law abiding… yeah, I’m laughing at that. The worst thing I could do, I have such fantasies but I’m not Ned Flanders, I’m not Christian Grey, and I’m definitely not Oprah ha.

What have I learned today, something I have always known, I’m afraid, I’m addicted to fear itself but now that I know it I will fight, In Oprah We Trust.

“Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice.” After Earth

Lesson 016 ~Addiction~

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The father of zombies has passed away but his legacy will live on along with my fandom and I can be a fan of much worse things, I am. Addiction, some of those things are poisons and diseases and of course, doesn’t technology make slaves of us all

Monday, July 17, 2017

Lesson 016 ~Addiction~

Hey Lady Lu,
First, let me say, RIP George Romero, the man created his own genre and is responsible for my preoccupation with death, not my own, zombies my dear zombies. Of course, the rest of world, my country, for the most part, seems obsessed with death, leave it to billions to end the living and just one man to make sure the dead stay down for good.

Dead men tell no tales, George Romero and some law enforcement have put an end to that don’t you know; another reason everyone is trying to live forever. What are we afraid we’ll miss the next meme, getting a few more likes, our chance to be famous, and of course we don’t want anyone finding out all of our secrets do we. No, Luna, we want to broadcast them out loud ourselves or maybe we just seek to leave a part of ourselves, inspiration perhaps as George Romero has done.

Now I can’t say if the man could have been addicted to all things zombie and yes I’m well aware I’m a fanboy myself of zombie culture but today’s lesson is about our addictions. I wish I could be nicer about it, call them passions, enthusiasms, interests and the like but I’m not one to look on the bright side of life, despite what the song says. So what is an addiction because I’m never one to take my own word for these sort of things so of course, I have been doing a bit of reading on the subject.

“Addiction is a persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance.” The Free Dictionary

“the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.” Dictionary.com

“a brain disorder characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences.” Wikipedia
Would I call my zombie fix as my friend would call it an addiction, I would say I could be reading a book except “I Am Legend”, “The Walking Dead” and hundreds of others are books so if it is, I wouldn’t call it a bad one. Then again Lady Lu you remember me and books at school once upon a time and then when I was growing up, let’s just say I learned all of Victoria’s Secrets…Cara Delevingne nowadays.

“There’s no time for us,
There’s no place for us,
What is this thing that builds our dreams, yet slips away from us.” – Queen, Who Wants To Live Forever (1986)

You know when I was in school I was “addicted” hmm… obsessed, manic, anxiety driven to read, and no not my school books but anything else, especially end of the world scenarios or final battles, from Alas, Babylon to “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”. My parents, my teachers, pretty much everyone I knew considered this a problem, yeah I was the epitome Henry Bemis “Time Enough at Last”, and people wonder why I pray for the end of the world, as long as a library is still standing or I find a way to generate power, I’ll be good.

There are so many worse things Luna, I know people who drink plenty and to be perfectly honest, some have problems, some don’t but it’s annoying as hell but I don’t drink do I. How about this girl at work who quit smoking and then I see her yesterday, not smoking but vaping and I asked was there a difference and she said “scientifically yes” What about drugs in general, yeah I’m no one to judge because I take pills to try and keep me reasonable and when I’m without them… if today was any indication I screw up plenty.

“Since the day I met you
And after all, we’ve been through
I’m still a dick
I’m addicted to you
I think you know that it’s true
I’d run a thousand miles to get you
Do you think I deserve this?” – Simple Plan, Addicted (2003)

This is the worst of it for me love/lust, let’s just put it under the term of intimacy and like most guys, it’s in our freaking genetics, our biology, and like most medications made in the USA the cure is worse than the virus. Don’t worry Luna, between memories of “the incident” yet again, having a “fix” this morning, I think I’m back on the Ned Flanders band wagon but I’m sure I’ll be back to being “Pookie” in no time. Isn’t that just another one, if it isn’t violence, or “stuff and things”, I’m addicted to pop culture and that’s not helping anybody really.

“We just have to hope they remember the antidote.
That’s assuming they ever bothered to create one.” Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Babel

If you ask me how most addictions start it’s the fact that no one wants to be here, now tell me what’s wrong with here, why does it take all these things to feel or even to dull the senses of what’s here, to live through this. Once upon a time I swore, I would have one more addiction, one more vice, and then I would grow up and that I did Luna, from Pokémon to The Hunger Games, and now erotica.

How about the time I swore I would never be like one of those people walking around glued to their phone, what happened to the guy that would sit at the lake all day lost in the water or lost in his own mind? I walk around Luna watching while the masses played Pokémon and now they have those fidget spinners and for some reason, I feel better than them.

“Look at yourselves. Unplug from your chairs, get up and look in the mirror. What you see is how God made you. We’re not meant to experience the world through a machine.” – Surrogates (2009)

We’re lost my dear Luna, some more than most, I hate those fidget spinners, I abhor the idea that people can’t sit through a movie in a theater or even on my couch without checking their phone every two minutes, people are killing people because of texting while driving, animals who should be free are made examples of because of stupid moms on smartphones and hunters. I’m no better though, I thought that machines would make me free and we’ve talked about freedom but they also make me, what was her word “skeevy” am I right? The fact remains though the simple fact that I can talk to you like this, that there is some sort of record at all, isn’t that worth something, is it safe to say this right here is an addiction?

“Mr. Henry Bemis, on an eight-hour tour of a graveyard.” Time Enough at Last

I’m sorry if I sound preachy when I talk to you, again you’re the best therapist I know and here’s something else I know, I’m sounding like that TV show Mr. Robot, which can’t be a good thing. The fact that I’ve never watched it but thanks to Facebook I know the “F*uck Society” monolog means either A: I’m more lost than I thought or B: I’m actually seeing this stuff first hand and it’s just coming out of me. Personally one of my biggest addictions is anxiety and that’s not one I chose but for me, it justifies the rest if you only saw what I did this morning all on the grounds of avoiding social interaction, even with all this technology we have.

So what have I learned, we’re all sick, all addicts, that it’s all in the eye of the beholder, and that I don’t know how to stop it. Well actually I know but that would make me sound like a psychopath and I’m trying not to be; Ned Flanders Addiction.

“I really don’t hold with knowing the future, even my own, which is short. I mean, if we knew for a fact there was an afterlife, and that the afterlife was bliss eternal, we’d all commit suicide in order to be able to enjoy it.” Mandemus – Battle for the Planet of the Apes (1973)

“We are the Walking Dead” Rick Grimes, The Walking Dead