Tag: Madness

Log 173 ~The Will To Betray~

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I say I would never betray my son, I don’t cheat on women, and I want to be as honest I can, even to a fault as some say but while I’m trying to look into a mirror, who is it stabbing me in the back? “The Will To Betray”

Saturday, December 21, 2019

Log 173 ~The Will To Betray~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a billionaire right now, and that’s worth a little treason. Now I don’t wish to emulate the President but for the right price? Didn’t I talk about having peace of mind last week? Instead, this week I have bought more almost, my arrogance, and anxiety. You know, in being the man that I want to be, I’m not even close. Last night I sent a message/comment to a blogger offering my services. In all fairness, it hasn’t been twenty-four hours. How about anxiety from spending money on more mom, $50.00 from a scammer. Of course, there’s also Indiana Gone’s gifts.

One of my motivations talks about sacrificing what you want. I know what I want, but every day I betray that man, and for what exactly? I rise at this “godforsaken” hour every single morning, expecting to get even more work done. On a workday I talk to you, I am almost late for the Day Job. I work for them, come back, and fall into my unmade bed, repeat. The real me sucks, but what about the virtual version. Of Mice and Men, they say, I had one plan and what happened there? Well, I’m taking the fight to John Seed because I’m sick of air travel. Namely, bullets and bombs, finding their way into my body, Far Cry 5, of course. There is one more life that depends on me, and I’m still not much of a father. My Dæmon has everything he needs, but what about more. No, I’m too concerned with maids, and let’s say charity.

I’m a businessman, or so I want to be like Hugh Hefner and Dennis Hof. No, they made choices; they gave others options. I ask everyone to forget who they are so they can fit into my narrative. Only that’s somewhat the idea, to break out. I need to start breaking out of the roles that people place on me, Lady Luna. Are these character studies any better or worse than the ones that I write of myself at times? What about the woman that I want to make happy one day? If you want me to have gratitude, that’s what it is for today. The idea that I can still believe in something like that at all. Well, l look at the time, the seconds marking my perpetual treason. Wake up, wise up, and denounce The Will To Betray.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 166 ~A Peace Of Will~

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Peace is not in my possessions, pants, or any person I‘m thinking about in any particular way and of course, my gaming habit is all about warfare and pushing a lot of buttons but pieces of life? A Peace Of Will

Saturday, December 14, 2019

Log 166 ~A Peace Of Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a billionaire right now, or why don’t you tell me when? It’s that time of the season or getting pretty close, you know Joy, Hope, Peace, maybe Live, Laugh, Love? Of course, I have a rule, # 13 Power Is All That Matters. I still stand behind it, Lady Lu. My favorite word must be SLEEP, and this morning, it was touch and go. The fight continues, and that’s the point today; it goes on and on. Yes, I’m trying to form a new habit, but I wish for Peace.

Far Cry 5 is the perfect example. What was it, only the year before I was all Detroit: Become Human and now my latest game. Anyway, I continue to advance, but here’s the thing, I don’t know-how, wow. I was playing last night fighting to take back Nick Rye’s plane, and all of a sudden, I’ve seized John Seed’s Ranch. When I went to liberate Fall’s End, the battle was over before I knew it, quickly enough. I was finding peace without even trying, now what about my life? Not even in my bed anymore. My pillow has become the enemy because there is too much work to be done. Now I go into the Day Job; that is no place for peace. Every day is not like a holiday, but more “You’ve Been Marked.” It’s the warning John gave.

Now, of course, I am reminded of Eric Thomas saying, “Sleep is for those people who are broke.” What time is it; he goes on to say, “you’re in a financial transition.” Well, I even saved money the other day though not by choice. R.I.P Red Lantern, why must all the places I like to eat, go out of business? Couldn’t I say the same thing about my budding writing career? What about my “modeling” hires or my search for a new maid. Those aren’t the reasons I’m losing sleep. Nope, I’m losing sleep because I want to live the dream of being a writer before going on to live a nightmare. Well, My Lady as I complain about sitting here fending off exhaustion while My Dæmon slumbers. The war, which is life, seems far.

Is this what they call Peace of Mind? Now that is what I’m seeking, and I believe all the money in the world would bring? Priorities A Peace Of Will

I Will Have No Fear

Log 159 ~Not Will’s Mad Son~

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December 7th, brave men and women died so I could complain about nonworking cars, newer fears, and neighbors, some people might consider it madness, and I wish I could say I was crazy, but it’s fear. “Not Will’s Mad Son”

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Log 159 ~Not Will’s Mad Son~

Hey Lady Lu,
I am a billionaire right now and a lover. Okay, time for the truth, I’m somebody’s son and My Dæmon’s father. So 2 out of four ain’t bad, better than my Six Impossible Things. Only I’m not mad at those failures as of late, but what’s grinding my gears today or not?

Again I have both of my parents, and I would rather lose myself than them. No, I’m not sentimental but indeed STUPID, sad, and a Scrooge. Now, this is more Inspector Echo’s wheelhouse, but here’s a confession. I was outside today “trying” to fix the car, and you know why? Lady Luna, I would indeed fry myself, poison, or crash rather than go to my Olds. Do you remember Indiana Gone’s Wedding? I was barely done checking in at the hotel when my Mom called frantically. She thought my card was gone. I didn’t tell her I was leaving town because I figured she and my “father” would ransack my place, no doubt. I’ve got submissive clothes in the closet, the house is a mess, and they might have better luck than hackers. It terrifies me to tell them one of my cars won’t start. One more failure from their STUPID son, so I can’t call the insurance people either.

The doctor, well, I haven’t seen one in forever, and my firstborn is doing fine. He’s only bored to tears. Daddy is always working, writing, looking at women. We are so going to get to that today. Anyway, I am no kind of father. Worse, I’m becoming my father; My Dæmon has a roof, he has food, I’m getting back my schedule with his medication. What about love, though? I tell him that every day, but how am I showing him some? He only ever gets my attention when he’s messing something up these days.

Speaking of messing up, the Universe presented me with an opportunity. While giving up on the car, a new neighbor walked up; her name is Madison. Brunette, pretty, no distance at all, but she wanted to use my Wi-Fi. Strange to call something mine, but anyway, what did I say? “I’m not comfortable with that, I’m sorry.” You know how I think Lady Lu, so why did I say no? As the song goes, oh no, the world is a scary place: well, I’m mad.

FEAR… Not Will’s Mad Son.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 216 ~Its Ads Up, Will~

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The price of growing up free, you can take that in so many different ways, but I believe somebody said too damn high, and that makes my pillow the softest, safest, and most sellable thing ever. Its Ads Up Will.

Saturday, February 2, 2019

Episode 216 ~Its Ads Up, Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, perhaps being a pillow spokesmodel, the poster boy for energy shots, a pretty good example of why we need contraceptives in the universe may be. A plum lesson on how pretty girls control guys or maybe not, on the one hand, I sang to a girl on the other the MILF in her sexy lingerie hasn’t talked me out of any more money but vacations in San Diego, I mean seriously?

Speaking of possibly warmer climates, doesn’t that make me more human, that I have to talk myself into saving me, I think I need a Super Bowl ad and even those have been getting worse by the year and you know I’m not a sports fan. If you went by my Spotify you might think, I’m the most motivated man in existence; I don’t remember the last thing I listened to other than speeches, oh yeah singing to “Indiana Gone” and even that was depressing. B III might like to write a letter to whoever makes my clothes, not sure if it’s cotton but he keeps finding ways to lie on me, hell by his standards I’m probably second only to the sun I think.

If you look at my Amazon, it’s quite clear that I’m a shut-in or at least a closed off person judging by my gaming collection and books; I’m a story oriented type of individual to be sure from Detroit: Become Human to Far Cry 5 and I’m still not reading Lolita as I should be. So when we look at my search history, and you would think I’m either highly educated, someone that needs to be locked up behind bars or in a white padded cell. Again look at all my searches in the book Lolita for stuff I don’t understand in French and then finding myself looking at words like TERATOPHILIA… my last novel. My Pinterest and my Instagram, well two more reasons I’m a dominant and inspiring brothel owner, but they don’t have business plans for those things.

My point is as I’m always saying is that everything I want is impossible, immoral, illegal, and insane so you can’t sell to me, you either want nothing or everything and you know where I fall into, and it’s too damn much. A few hours of my time, a few words, courage, a heart, having some balls, guts, then again yesterday I told Pizza Hut they were too high, $24.00 not to deliver a pizza and for damn sure I ain’t paying MORE to pick one up because everything in life, Its Ads Up, Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 161 ~Hurry Up And Wait~

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What are you waiting, she’s not coming to me anytime soon, neither are millions upon millions of dollars or a legion of adoring fans for a book signing as of late. Hurry Up And Wait, NaNoWriMo was last month, and I think I’ve relaxed enough

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Lesson 161 ~Hurry Up And Wait~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, age is nothing but a number but that number is getting bigger and bigger, and you know some people say to think of it as leveling up but what happens when you level up in a video game? How many times have I just wanted this game to end, not that I’m retaking the suicidal route contrary to popular opinion, hell as if that view is worried about me honestly?

Take a few days ago, my general manager is concerned about me, how I felt like I was right back in school; “It’s Times Like These” I find out how rational a person I am. You see he’s more worried about himself and the rest than my mental health, getting over whatever possible affliction I have going on at the moment. You know me, Luna, I have a million excuses, which again shows why I’m so late talking to you another time, today should have been better considering no work.

That’s what I have to get over, work and that means I should be writing more but instead what have I been doing, what’s today’s excuse… Blue Balls. If anything that is what I’ve been waiting for the longest; to take a page from The Matrix Reloaded vis-à-vis love and of course there is still an opinion, my parents, family, dog, friends, etc. Now, of course, you probably think I’m talking about the love of a woman in a happily ever after sort of way but what comes to mind at this particular moment is loving myself. No, I don’t mean the thirty plus minutes I spent in bed thinking about getting an ice pack for my junk for relief.

Hurry up and wait has only been another excuse, leave that to others but not for me, if you want a car you don’t wait for someone to give you one, you get off your ass and work. You want to eat, it’s the same thing, what about being an aspiring novelist and what about falling in love? No, my dear Luna, this is just a reminder that I have to get up and work and stop thinking about tomorrow, there is no tomorrow, live like there’s no tomorrow, oh yeah that has to be a rule without a doubt.

What I have learned today is even if I can’t keep my head up out there… not yet, I shouldn’t have it down here, just looking at my dick, waiting for a release that I can’t give, no more, I won’t Hurry Up and Wait.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 160 ~Give Me One Reason~

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Fame, fortune, they say money can’t buy you love but for all the reasons I might want to try, I’m just tired and who knows what all this snow we bring, a few days to catch up or to do something finally? “Give Me One Reason,” and it’d better be great

Friday, December 8, 2017

Lesson 160 ~Give Me One Reason~

Hey Lady Sophia
No Fear, I could leave if I wanted to, snow and all, to think I almost chickened out because of some inclement weather and if that was for a job I hated and errands I could run later what about my book?

I finished one book and what popped up into my head to stop the editing process nut the book I finished before my 120,000-word dribble. You don’t believe me, I was thinking about spinning the whole virus angle and the reason for the game that they play; forgive me, in my deluded mind I’m still thinking someone is genuinely reading and I don’t want any spoilers getting out. Anyway is that my master plan, to keep two books in a constant state of flux, so I don’t have to edit: I am my own worst enemy when I’m writing right?

Of course, my most common enough excuse is that it’s been a long day and trust me it has been, which leads me back to the weather and almost dying. Indeed that’s yet a reason I do this because what are they going to say about me, I don’t want those lies in either life or death, read my words and perhaps it will be the first time I ever stood up for myself, and I will be lying there. Is that why my work is what it is, that I have to unleash the beast, my beautiful private purge?

With the snow falling all around us and being trapped here by exhaustion, a myriad of plot devices, and with the madness that is me I can’t help but think about “The Shining” or maybe “Misery”? I could just be hearing “Okay” in my head with a never-ending spank bank of others. So do I need to kill the old me, will it take the dog chewing off my legs, leaving me lying here typing away unable to do any of work, hell if I want my porn why not work on my story, other than the fact that my writing, I know it stinks.

That’s always my ultimate excuse to not write though how many reasons, good reasons do I have to carry on? Finish one book and then work on the others, one step at a time, one word at a time but yeah Give Me One Reason?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 154 ~Where’s The Next Mountain~

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How do you make a mountain out of a molehill, the same way you write any book with just one word, one true sentence as Ernest Hemingway put it about something I think I know, and then I know nothing, so the question becomes… Where’s The Next Mountain

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Lesson 154 ~Where’s The Next Mountain~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, but those that I’m waiting to create, can I not bask in victory for a few moments, the climb was ugly, brutal, and to be honest the view isn’t much, but the fact is I did it right? So what next, when I’m not planning my next waste of time, I’m bust playing catch-up, and that’s not going to well either, as I continue to play the gay best friend to several lonely women apparently.

If anything I should just swear off women, what’s it been about twelve days and while I have given up one vice yet again, I’ve bumped into three women, I swear my phone is a curse. Excuse me for sharing this with you and not Lady Sophia, my writing was supposed to bring freedom was it not and instead, my rules have been getting some attention as of late. Even now this one married woman wants to talk while her husband chases a squirrel and no I’m not planning on going down that road again.

The day job continues to as Negan would say “Suck Ass” and something stupid might come of it sooner rather than later, but I just repeat to myself “I need this job” and of course there is a mountain I am nowhere prepared for if I lose it. As far as other jobs, email has become one, another I don’t get paid for, not to mention friendship which explains me being so late talking to you, and what it’s not that late there is just so much to do. It could be worse, the holidays and yes I have to do some shopping myself but how I miss my solitude, is that why I chose the NaNoWriMo mountain, good excuse.

What better way to ignore everyone than creation, you know I’m not a man of faith but do you think God has his regrets with his loneliness to create humanity and then he watches such madness take hold and is left trying to fix it possibly? I made myself a world, and in January I will be asked to flush out that world to make it, I don’t know something that will never truly be seen by anyone I bet.

So what have we learned today other than I’m sitting on the mountain and by the time I get to the molehill it will be another mountain, what to call it Where’s The Next Mountain?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 147 ~Make Me Wanna Cry~

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What makes you cry, if anything I’m supposed to be a man, but this isn’t the diary of a tired black man, that was a good movie by the way, but I haven’t anytime as you could see me passing out in the wee hours of the morning. “Make Me Wanna Cry”

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Lesson 147 ~Make Me Wanna Cry~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, I won’t, at least not yet anyway, not if I can get a decent night’s rest but fat chance of that happening I mean what time is it now? I haven’t dreamed a nightmare for quite some time to be sure, and the sweetest dreams aren’t coming, or I’m working on them nowadays for real.

That’s another way to stop the tears, lots and lots of work, been sweating bullets as of late with this NaNoWriMo deadline and it’s starting to be crunch time. Speaking of crunch, yet one more way I’m not bursting into tears; how many times have we talked about my anger issues getting the best of me? Anger is becoming somewhat of a finite resource about don’t I have plenty to be, angry about, including even you keeping me up still.

The work, blood and soft minus the tears, why isn’t 2200 words enough or the fact that I know that it’s all my fault, not just a little bit but almost the entire time become I’m busy fighting one more bit of liquid. On that note, it’s been maybe one more week, for all the successes that I can see coming… did I just say that, anyway for all the good that’s coming I live in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop? Other than myself I’m letting you down which explains this is coming a day late and have I found the line; it was 3:00 AM when I just gave up talking to you and decided to do this on Sunday but better late than never some say often.

Talk about sayings I hate because the last thing I need is more excuses, on a positive note, things should be getting back to normal soon enough which means I’ll be broke again if my hours and my paycheck have anything to say about it. I’m not crying though, too tired to cry, today was supposed to be a five thousand words day, and I have barely cleared 2,400 when it comes to the novel, but I bought Grammarly today.

So what have we learned over the past two days other than the fact that I’m finally taking my writing seriously… yeah hello, I should be working on you more ain’t that right and the blog in general. The point is we know tears never solve anything, so make secretions but life at this moment *sigh* Make Me Wanna Cry.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 140 ~Glass of Instant Smile~

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Have you ever seen anything so sloppy and I only wish I could say I was on something which would just be something else to add to my long list of problems I have been having today but why didn’t I give up, at least not yet? “Glass of Instant Smile”.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Lesson 140 ~Glass of Instant Smile~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, no to everything else too, but instead of saying that you know what you do, put on a smile and even then people ask why are you so happy. Sometimes there just isn’t an answer, it’s like asking which plague is next and didn’t they get worse with each question, which each demand that comes.

So what’s wrong, Black Friday is up this coming week and I’m not ready; at least with The Purge I could defend myself but this is madness. Speaking of madness, what was I thinking to spend all that money on absolutely nothing, my glass of instant smile I figure but what has a smile ever gotten me and aren’t I sure I have asked that question before. NaNoWriMo is coming to a close soon and how much writing has there been, how much have I done today to help out with the ever-growing total required.

How about the fact that I can’t control my own body, I want to say stress or maybe I’m just a pervert, which of course never really bothers me until I get that “release”. On top of that, it would explain my depression today, after I wasted several hours doing nothing and then I fell asleep, didn’t even to take my 5-hour Energy today because I got so much sleep. Oh how about the fact that I lost the placebo effect because I drank some Powerade and then went to sleep, I really need to look up what that’s supposed to do if anything honestly.

Now, these all might sound like “First-World Problems” to practically nothing at all, makes you question why am I complaining to you at all right Lady Lu? What would “Indiana Gone” think of me, speaking of which she will be leaving February 24th so who else will I be watching movies with besides the dog?

Do I a Wambulance, if anything I need a life, but for some reason, I just can’t be like everyone else, and trust me I’m fighting, I’m trying, I’m pushing but for once there is neither fear nor hope. So what have I learned, as is “The Last of Us” endure and survive, grin and bear it, and maybe I should really consider drinking, Starbucks, more energy shot or maybe a Glass of Instant Smile?

I Will Have No Fear

Natural Born Sick Fux II

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All the best people are going to read this book, would I like to meet any of them other than the author, uh yeah that thought sort of terrifies me but this book turns me on. Natural Born Sick Fux II, not a sequel but look out “Natural Born Killers”.

“Have I gone mad?”

“I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.” Alice in Wonderland (2010)

I never got the fairy tales read to me in bed or if I did the bad outweighs the good and I just can’t remember, honestly I don’t even think I want to. This book though “Sick Fux” by Tillie Cole is something I will never forget, it haunts me.

Now this isn’t a squeal to anything but take “Natural Born Killers” plus “Alice In Wonderland” and seriously you have a worthy successor to either, though I wouldn’t let your kids see the latter and then move on to this. I’ve seen porn that has been cleaner honestly but the fact that I keep seeing this, picturing it, maybe I’m no different from Heathen and Ellis, oh and do I hear sirens? How about the author, the first book I have ever read from her and I can’t help but wonder what brought this on, I’d buy her a cup of tea, Earl Grey, for god sake’s Earl Grey nothing else will ever do, wow.

Five stars easy but how can I glow so much over this book as sick and as twisted as it is, I don’t mind tweeting quotes but there were so many I have to keep to myself here. It’s dark, terribly dark and when you do see the light, it’s the fires of Hell, not brimstone but gunfire, and however, do you wipe away the stains of blood? Okay to make a long story short, again refer to “Natural Born Killers” and give them a righteous cause and no “fux” to give except for each other Heathen and Ellis becoming Rabbit and Dolly, nothing more.

I don’t know if I’m more jealous of the talent or the fact I’m still looking for my Dolly, another comparison could be Bonnie and Clyde but this book, I’ve never read anything like it. Goes without saying I’ll be buying a copy for my actual shelf and I’ve already been talking it up to a good friend as well.

“The three always turned me on: blood, and death, and Dolly. And better yet . . . Killer Dolly”
― Tillie Cole, Sick Fux (2017)

Maybe the fact that this book turned me on so much should probably be a bad sign, things a girl could do to get me, my dog likes her, sing to me, or be anything like Dolly in this book, allowing me to be Rabbit.

Heathen James/White Rabbit, we both wear black, I’ve got at least five clocks, we both imagine a lot of people dead, both been dominated by men (not like that for me thank god), and both filled with darkness. I should also mention there is a bit BDSM master in him; should I call him a hero, given what he did for Dolly, sure and I actually believe everybody he kills people wise had it coming. They say that hate is taught and with Rabbit, the man became a Ph.D. but the question becomes could he have done better by Dolly.

To me personally once you get past their childhoods then the blood and the death doesn’t seem to be enough, trust me just let them grow up and you’ll be cheering this Wonderland duo. What about the sex though… well how sick are you, there are plenty of scenes from evil, to rough, to sensual?

Do I even have to say it… I have fallen in love Ellis Earnshaw/Dolly give me a girl like her and I’m good and no I don’t mean like one of her uncles. Honestly, Rabbit did the best he could because there is no way therapy could fix her, and I’m sure there are advocates that would say otherwise but those same people scream for punishments of the perpetrators and with what was done to Dolly… Even she acknowledged a part of herself being born and dying and there was no other choice, just saying.

As far as other characters, besides hating Rabbit’s parents and Dolly’s father, the only other character that concerned me was The Mad Hatter who plays everyday man you saw this now tell me that Rabbit and Dolly are so wrong.

This book has my five stars and even more of my money and should have yours too but if you don’t want any spoilers you should stop here. Maybe I should start saving the best for last but was there anything wrong with this title, that five stars can’t fix.

I can’t pick my favorite sex scene, but the mutual masturbation scene when they watched each other and spoke the epitaphs that they once heard, I’ve never met a girl that would let me talk like that. How about the deaths, so much death and I found myself hoping that Chapel or Henry/Hyde was sort of a Jigsaw figurehead which they sort of were for Rabbit. Now here’s something quite new, so I’m at work listening to Spotify and I looked up the “Sick Fux”, and “Dolly’s Mixtape” playlists… go download these now, incredible, spectacular.

Now Rabbit I think was pretty lucky to meet Chapel and Henry/Hyde despite the circumstances, two killers and protection so he could learn how to take revenge and help his Dolly, just seems convenient. I also didn’t like Dolly’s continued ignorance, not her fault but after everything how about learning to read, from a psychological standpoint she’s genius and living in Wonderland is good but reading I think might have been another tool for Rabbit to control her. Also, the simplest answer is usually correct but I guess I was expecting more near the end not that it isn’t surprising.

Surprise that I love this book, that I love Dolly, that I feel like I know Rabbit, that I’ll have to look into more playlists in the future and maybe keep my eye on Tillie Cole’s works. What else is there to say, Natural Born Killers, Alice In Wonderland, Sucker Punch, in a blender and you get a masterpiece that is Sick Fux, but you’ll never look at Alice the same again, I guarantee that.