Tag: Past

Lesson 162 ~Pain Is Tomorrow’s Problem~

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Whatever doesn’t kill you is likely to try again, and it will face someone far stronger, smarter, and sinful; today I should be having fun, trying to take over the world, you know whatever comes up. Pain Is Tomorrow’s Problem from now on I hope.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Lesson 162 ~Pain Is Tomorrow’s Problem~

To Will:
No Fear because that is something we are giving to tomorrow, it’s like I was telling our dear Lady Lu, if there is no tomorrow then why not put everything there and enjoy today. Look you’re already up, with book review ready; should have been done yesterday, you see, pain, problems, and the past must find their way to tomorrow and if you see it just keep passing it on, is that healthy?

Well, you have as Rick Grimes put it stuff and things to do, why not make that goal, find what you want to do rather than what you half to do because we know that tomorrow is going to suck. Hell, today might be awful but if we are going back to the five minutes before the world ends scenario why not make it a good five minutes, I know you can go much longer than that my friend. It’s now about three weeks and other than the pain yesterday that had you laid up, you’re not doing that again because that’s tomorrow’s mistake waiting.

From now instead of running from yesterday and even today, let everything that scares you, hurts you, tries to kill you be waiting and today you just have to get stronger, be better prepared, let yourself enjoy. I know despite all that you’re worried about The Walking Dead, but that should be the worst of it because tomorrow is coming regardless and it will still be ahead of you, fear should be running. For now, you’re not in any real pain, you’re getting shit done, you’re learning, and while terror perhaps will always be your greatest enemy the fact that you’re up and about healthy is a reason to be grateful remember that, being thankful.

I don’t mean to get religious on you or anything but remember how you felt last night, how old you are how much time you’ve wasted, hell did you have a bit of backbone with the manager. If you’re standing, if you’re breathing, fight, and let the pain and blood be there tomorrow as a testament to that, I can’t seem to stress that enough.

Today you write, work on a character, get those reviews up, take a shower, you know you need it and let the pain go, let it run smackdab into tomorrow because Pain Is Tomorrow’s Problem.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

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How many days did he waste his money on tutoring, how much did it cost for me to fail miserably and take a final exam twice just do my school could get rid of me, not to mention being a college dropout, now that’s a story? Let’s Do The Math

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Lesson 144 ~Let’s Do The Math~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but me plus you equals a ton of it but maybe I shouldn’t say you, just damn near anybody else and then my heart is stone, along with everything else and God help you if you’re a pretty girl. Math has never been my strong suit, which ain’t saying much, what about English or Psychology, before I even knew to call it Anxiety at all.

I’m not sure if I ever told you this story but my senior year of high school I was failing yet another Math class and my “father” put me in a tutoring, which of course didn’t help because I didn’t have the minimum basic skills to be human. I never talked to anybody, never got help, and the one time I did try to communicate with another person, let’s just say something else was rock hard. Too bad it wasn’t a headstone, yet another one of those times suicide seemed a viable option, and yeah I know I have no one to blame but myself because as far as he’s concerned, anxiety doesn’t exist honestly.

All I did was write down problems and when he found out he beat my ass, yelled at me and the tutors, and here I thought people were monsters but compared to him… so yes I learned how to talk to people to a certain extent. On the other hand, I won’t ever be promoted at work because I still lack the same skills I did as a teenager, thus I’m asking less money. How many girls numbers do I have, maybe two and I’m not sleeping with either of them so what is the point Inspector Echo, any purpose?

I waste money because I don’t think I’m ever good enough and don’t ask me how old I am and I’m still alone, well I got the dog so that’s one and a half occupants here. My whole damn life has been one 3/5’s Compromise… okay so I might have liked History and what do we learn from History, those that don’t learn from the past, so on, so forth.

How many times can I apologize for having anxiety an even if I went as high as a million at the end of the day it will always be there won’t it? So am I forgiven for living my life, surviving, wasting it because even one word scares the hell out of me, my “father” *sigh* Let’s Do The Math?

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

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And you are again, you’ll have to forgive me, having forgotten myself some time ago how can I be expected to remember anyone else, well besides the dog at least. Love A Bad Name, really what’s in a name anyway?

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Lesson 137 ~Love A Bad Name~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, I know your name but more often than not, I have no clue who I am and so in a way it doesn’t matter who anybody else is I suppose. Isn’t that me being a philosopher rather than just saying, I got really bad anxiety and while I can remember in great detail while I hate a man, dude I can’t remember his name to save my life, which is fine since the humiliation makes me want to die anyway.

Recently it was the day job, and it seems like everything was conspiring against me to learn this new guy’s name, nametag always out of view, too much noise, and “hey you” isn’t polite, is it. It always gets worse, I’m sure I once talked about how everyone called me Mr. Willie for years until I went on a rant to HR, not one of my finer moments. You need another example, I didn’t know my grandmother’s name was Marie forever, so people would call asking for her and I’d tell them they had the wrong number in her own place I mean just seriously.

Now if you want to talk about all the things that I have been called over the years… even with all that I still hate my given name, *ahem* Lesson 056 ~Respect/Respeck On My Name~ but you know I am a man of contradiction. If I can’t correct somebody on my own name how the hell am I supposed to remember theirs, not that I intend to be friends even at work, my motto is, if you want something done right, do it yourself. Speaking of which I’m still meaning to go on that rant at one of the meetings but strangely enough, I need a few big names there to have the right zing.

I at least was going to say I was never a bully but there was this guy I hated as a kid and this lady asked me who I was talking to and I said, “not much” as I scoffed at him, yes Inspector Echo remind me to pick up a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Here’s another thing, the fact that one can think themselves so ugly that they seek infamy to be known for something other than their face?

I am sorry that names seem to escape me, as the song goes, “I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name” or I’ve been at the house with a dog and no cares. You know that’s going to end come Black Friday, so aren’t we all sorry because with so many new people, Love A Bad Name.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 130 ~Heat Of The Moment~

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What’s hot enough… the next time I fall so far it better be worth the trip to Hell, worth my damnation to be sure, but I can’t stand the heat, well not then anyway but what about now. Heat Of The Moment, is it hot in here or is it just… oh?

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Lesson 130 ~Heat Of The Moment~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear because I believe I have told the story of November 5th a few times… *sigh* ok if I must sum up, this dirty old “PERV” fell for a young eighteen-year-old, “Senseless” and I wrote her one poem and put some Twilight quote I believe on her windshield. Needless to say, history repeated itself and I nearly got fired; haven’t you always wondered why they call it getting fired at all.

I read somewhere that they would burn a person’s home when they wanted them to leave the village, sort of like “The Leftovers” I suppose, When that happened that man was trying to be some sort of psychic and here I was masquerading as a man with a Lolita complex… she is legal thankfully, not that it helped my case any. One of these days Inspector Echo we are going to discuss that but let’s focus on a definition of let’s say going to Hell.

Hell is sitting in an office, having your sins in black and white laid out before you and wondering why it’s taking so long to go all Fahrenheit 451. It’s being so hot for a person one minute and then the fires… I don’t know how to explain it but it’s already a rule “Anger Burns Hotter Than Lust”. Inspector Echo, Hell is doing your best impression of Nero as you watch your “empire” burn all around you and what can you do but sit back and fiddle, is that what he was doing, trying to take his mind off everything that was happening then?

People then wonder why I’m so cold, because it’s a disease this thing called love, and I know how dangerous it can be, as it was said in “The Immortal”. Now I was never in love with her, people talk about a certain type of culture nowadays but honestly, I understand why I don’t go to strip club… other than my anxiety, I hate the tease, and porn is free.

Now you want to know am I sorry for what I did, not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret, and I have wrong a lot of women with my inaction, my shyness, my fear, and that makes me a monster. So yes I am sorry but you know Heat Of The Moment.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

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Why I don’t watch NASCAR, I suppose I like to see a clear ending, going around in a circle only to celebrate by doing it again, a victory lap and then again just sitting here *sigh*. Going Around In Circles, the world is round OH how I know that

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Lesson 123 ~Going Around In Circles~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear of me dying today at least maybe I could use as I said, a lot of forgiveness as always, today it would be for my old car, the fact that I have probably told this story a few times, my smile, and the fact that NaNoWriMo starts today and what the hell am I going to do about it now?

So that we never forget, maybe I was lazy, maybe I was being a Scrooge, maybe I just hated myself so much but some years back my brakes failed… as I knew they would and I crashed back into a tree. A full circle and I didn’t hit anything but that tree, why I’m grateful for my morning shift; isn’t that something grateful to still have a job but not to be alive, my priorities.

Speaking of work and last night being Halloween, I wish I could take off this mask I call a smile, a fucked up smile at that or at least make it do a 180. How about finding the last thing that made me go “OH” or maybe the last good thing, life seems to be a circle of the bad, like the song goes, Every Day Is Exactly The Same.

That’s probably why I keep telling the same stories, stuck in the past, those that don’t learn from history and what not and tell me what the future has ever offered me. Yes Inspector Echo I’m complicit in my own murder every day or like “Morgan” from The Walking Dead, I don’t die, worse I could be a walker *sigh*.

Yet another reason I’m probably not participating in NaNoWriMo; is my creativity dead or again I’m just being lazy, even now I’m in bed and today I got the chance to leave early and I didn’t think twice. If only my past could be like that but it all comes around again or maybe I should think outside the box.

My greatest sin of all but if I talked about that thing, that thing, that thing” Doo Wop from Lauryn Hill; I swear my sins are like all my other chores sometimes.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, for not caring enough to have the car fixed, for being stuck, for being a liar by omission and somewhat of a lazy ass but I’ll apologize some more because as we know, Going Around In Circles.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

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My mercy prevails over my wrath or more like my fear because God help me if I have such confidence to express such anger other than slapping myself in the face over everything I feel. Mercy Prevail Over Wrath, from the Koran and The Walking Dead

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Lesson 116 ~Mercy Prevail Over Wrath~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear but how much anger will it take to drive it all out because I’m not sure I have enough, it may never be enough and why should I wish it to be? Maybe a better question would be why I feel such hatred anyway, is it hatred, and still why.

I might have mentioned to Lady Luna how much I despise being late, though I wasn’t late and this is for my day job which sickens me enough that body actually rejects anything for breakfast. Is it the fact that I’m so weak, you know if it came to writing a novel on my weakness it might be a few pages less than my fear? Am I angry that I am again found so inadequate, so worthless, that anybody can just be thrown into my job, or is it the fact that I’m so voiceless that my presence must be announced to the whole building because I can’t tell one guy that I didn’t get a phone call to come in and work earlier today.

Is it the fact that I want to hate one guy and yet if he were promoted over me if he became the boss as I said before if you can’t love and you don’t wish to hate, understand and that I do. Only that doesn’t erase jealously which again stokes my ire and something else I must apologize for “males shouldn’t be jealous, that’s a female trait” in the immortal words of Jay-Z but doesn’t that make me sound sexist. Hell, a word in the vocabulary I wish I could erase at the moment “SEX’ I am so weak, I am so tired, and not even sleep helped, but if it doesn’t, like duct tape you just need more.

I become more like my father which both scares me and angers me, disguise fair nature with rage right, hate the whole damn world and hide such fear and self-loathing but being in his head might be scarier than my own… nah. Isn’t that who I should apologize to most of all, myself, this is what this is all about isn’t it, apologizing for my past sins but today it’s just might anger and since I’m going in tomorrow I’ll have plenty more reasons to be sorry, going at all.

So I am sorry Inspector Echo, wish I could say I won’t ever hate myself, that my anger will dissipate but like Rick Grimes, I ask only this for tomorrow may Mercy Prevail Over Wrath.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 109 ~My Butter Fingers Honor~

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You can look but don’t touch, better not to even look, wait why aren’t you looking… honestly, can I get my hands on an instruction manual for women but what man reads the instructions anyway? My Butter Fingers Honor

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Lesson 109 ~My Butter Fingers Honor~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear and on my butter fingers honor, the worse thing I have ever done to the fairer sex is, be scary. Don’t get me wrong Lady Echo, I can think of plenty I have done wrong but to bring about fear and I know fear, for everything I claim to know fear is the air I breathe and to think I could do that to someone else, I’m truly sorry Echo.

Now I could go on forever and a day about this and I haven’t thought about what’s her face in weeks but if you’ve been keeping track of current events, one name Harvey Weinstein. Is it selfish of me to hope that they don’t start removing all the movies he was involved in, how about to worry about all the men appearing in show business that may be in scandals themselves? I actually felt sick about the #MeToo campaign for all the wrong reasons; is it because I’m guilty, honestly, I’m into some things but the fear is my worse offense, I’m sure of it.

I study Ravishment but I’ve never taken any woman against her will, SSC, RACK, I do my homework and no I won’t apologize for ninety percent of the things I’m into, that other ten… My mother raised a gentleman can you believe that I open doors for women when my anxiety allows, I pay for dinner unless the woman owes me a ton of money, then I make dinner, I don’t catcall, I don’t lie, etc. Well okay, I told one woman that she and her friend looked like they should be on “Brazzers” or “Reality Kings” but that was a comment on a blog and I stopped easily enough.

I felt one woman up and she didn’t stop me because she said I would be upset and I apologized to her and there was the time we were wrestling and she got scared and I let go of her immediately, or the time I tried to get up her shirt and squeezed her ass. Women have it bad when it comes to men and all I know is that I want to be better, as far as women in my orbit one doesn’t really know me, another wants me to make a move but I won’t, and the last is wondering what she did wrong, I stay far away.

So is this worth anything today, acknowledgment of some if not all, saying I am wrong, truly I am sorry, on My Butter Fingers Honor.

“Hey.
Hold up.
Am I as superficial as all those guys I warned Ashley about? I mean could it be that I’m more obsessed with breasts and thighs than Colonel Sanders ever was? Mightn’t I be able to look deeper? I mean, to cherish women as full and complete and complex individuals.
And with this new understanding to finally find and keep this true love that eludes so many of us.
Nah!” That’s No Lady, That’s My Cousin, Fresh Prince

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 102 ~Not That Famous… Yet~

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So what did I do this time or better yet what can you prove; they say the guilty are the only ones who worry about what you can prove and with all the skeletons in my closet… Not That Famous… Yet, but at this rate, I might never get there either

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Lesson 102 ~Not That Famous… Yet~

Forgive Me Echo
No Fear, not of God anyway and if I am going to talk to some figment of my mind I might as well dream up one of my own, don’t you think? Maybe that should be the first sin that I confess today but I think I can do better at the moment.

I don’t even know if I have anything to be worried about, I swear the constant anxiety; you know why I might be a “good” writer someday because I can create drama and conflict out of nothing. Imagine if you will, you get a message from a Facebook acquaintance, saying someone you don’t recognize was asking questions about you. You tell them you don’t know the person and that’s that but this person is out there and you have no clue what they wanted, fill in the blank, I did, with a sex tape.

When you don’t know if there is a naked picture of you let alone a naked video and why don’t you tell me Inspector Echo why my mind immediately jumped to this conclusion. There’s no secret that I have a history, talk about skeletons, the beating of the hideous heart, that’s part of the reason you’re here. If it is something to do with me naked, for the record I have worse things, hell I was working on two of those worst things which shows why our conversation is coming so late, and I’m sorry.

Maybe I should have started with telling you what our conversations will consist of and how I even feel about the words “I’m Sorry” maybe I should make that into my own motto. Instead, I created Rule Fifteen: I Take My Own Lumps, simply means I take my own hits, and consequences, I deal with my problems as I must.

The thing is though, I might not even have a problem or I might have a bigger problem and usually I would this is the second level of Hell trespass, you know Lust. Why not ask me what I was doing naked on camera anyway but then again you and I both know I’m not alone in this, given some of the company I’ve had.

So am I asking forgiveness for this… anybody having to see me naked or for my dirty mind, how about a friend having to deal with me, or you having to listen, sex tape Echo, I’m Not That Famous… Yet.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 087 ~Poor Pasts Poetry Protests~

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What do I am the NFL have in common… not a thing but many have chosen silence to make the loudest statement, almost illegal to be black or even an American you, know those not backing the KKK, the Nazis, or the Confederacy. Poor Pasts Poetry Protests

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Lesson 087 ~Poor Pasts Poetry Protests~

Hey Lady Lu
No Fear but as you can see plenty to say though I don’t know how much I’ll get t, one day I’ll have all the time in the world but as I told “Indiana Gone” my future simply revolves around a lot of money. Am I that poor in everything else or that rich, the more things change the more they stay the same; I still think money will fix everything, more to the point power will.

Past and present Lady Lu, I was reminded of “The Harm of a Cookie” now was that free speech or me being a pervert, personally a little bit of both but what was the harm? Yeah I know I was being pretty bad back then but who have I ever harmed, well besides myself, we’ve had these conversations about freedom, art, rage, somewhere in our eighty-seven conversations together and what does it all mean? If I say I’m trying to find myself that just makes me sound a whole lot worse truth or not and maybe today I’m trying to find something to stand for or kneel as the case maybe nowadays, remind me to tune into “The Daily Show”.

Knights kneel and then rise, swearing to protect a better world and these days the world is crap so how can anyone be asked to rise and serve it, these protests *sigh* did soldiers die so that Trump can destroy all they have sacrificed for. Nazi flags displayed prominently, the Confederacy celebrated, the rich getting richer, the poor being villainized, and it is a song that gets everyone riled up and they don’t understand. I’m not politico mastermind Luna but my poetry was/is my protest against my own silence, some of it anyway and like everything about me, it just wasn’t right, and my point?

Yeah I probably should have thought more about that but in this country, it’s damn nearly illegal to be black and I’m more concerned that it is illegal to be me, what do I always say, impossible, immoral, illegal, and insane? Men rose and fell to defend freedom and now there are those who stand to deny it for some if not all, while others kneel in defiance of this country, perhaps world gone mad.

What have I learned today, other than I finally have a reason to respect the NFL, personally I’m still letting some words get to me and not speaking, thinking, feeling my Poor Pasts Poetry Protests?

Lesson 076 ~How Are You Lost~

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I wonder which is bigger, the world or my own head, if anything at least the world comes with maps and there are plenty of places to run but why the hell am I running anyway. How Are You Lost, the heart knows its direction, breath too, and Will?

Friday, September 15, 2017

Lesson 076 ~How Are You Lost~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no sense of direction though everything else knows exactly the way to go, perhaps I should rethink this whole no fear scenario if anything it’s good exercise. You know that when I was back in school, I liked to run, learned to run actually but there was a freedom in it, and somewhere along the way I discovered a fine line between running to something and running away from something and I crossed it.

“We’re not built to kill. We don’t have claws fangs or armor. Vets, they came back with PTSD, that didn’t happen because we’re comfortable with killing. We’re not. We can’t be. We feel. We’re connected. You know, I’ve interviewed over 825 people who’ve done terrible things. I’ve only met one evil person. Some of them were born with bad brains. Some of them got sick along the way. The rest were just damaged people. Traumatized themselves like you, but they could heal. Some more, some less, but they can. We all can. I know it. It’s all a circle and everything gets a return.” Eastman – Here’s Not Here, TWD

To think fifteen days ago I figured I knew exactly where I was going and now well… I’m slogging through, I honestly should be doing better than this but at least I’m moving forward and what else is a guy should be doing? At work today I felt that old fear creep up inside of me, you know the one I’ve been running from, some things you just can’t outrun, you just have to take it step by step. On the other hand, I talk about being dominant and a dominant doesn’t move for anybody, no he stands, a submissive must move according to his will and that is power.

“Compromise where you can. Where you can’t, don’t. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, ‘No, *you* move’.” Sharon, Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Now I don’t fancy myself a philosopher Lady Lu but there I was just standing there at work and you know what I realized, the heart moves forward, you breathe in but you must breathe out, we are not born with eyes in the backs of our heads, and other parts of the anatomy point the way forward. So today’s lesson, how am I lost, I’m thinking about going one way because it’s faster, another way because I want to face my fears but you know what the correct answer is, I should go wherever I please. It’s okay to be lost but it’s not okay to let fear or some proof of courage direct your feet ever, live brave.

“I don’t think that a person should run unless he’s being chased.

Being chased. I like that.” The Faculty (1998)

Not even a submissive does that, a Sub may fear to disappoint her Dom but she moves because she chooses to of her own accord. Have you noticed that I’m getting braver with these references or maybe it’s because I know that nobody is coming by to check, not yet?
What have I learned today, maybe I’m not so much lost as I am adjusting my path, even if that just means choosing a direction and of course forward is good, How Are You Lost?

“The pessimist looks down and loses his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.” King Ezekiel, The Walking Dead

I Will Have No Fear