Tag: Books

Saga 272 ~To B Losers Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

“This is a commune. We’re communists.” “This is a rebellion, isn’t it? I rebel” I’m a loser, so I lose. I was losing my little boy before I knew it. I lose time trying to be… A writer, a web designer? I lose my mind over boobs. V? To B Losers Virgil.

Thursday, March 30, 2023

Saga 272 ~To B Losers Virgil~

788 Days Without B III, Day 229 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My wonderful boy, Will’s son. I’ll let the world know. My work and my woman.

So despite being in bed most of the week. And this is after the Day Job. Hell! Braxton, you would have demanded we cuddle. Well, not that Wednesday before you passed. Frightening to be in love with a dead man. Okay, so we have the movie Troy and now The Matrix. Not that I have been relaxing at all this week. Last night was… effed’ up. Braxton, I was reminded of how you were crying, and I went all Reservoir Dogs. “Say it: you’re gonna be okay! Say the goddamn words: you’re gonna be okay!” The next day B. It found you right where Virgil is now—lying beside me with no plans whatsoever. Braxton, we were/are losers. Only you didn’t mind. You didn’t know what I would do Sunday.

I cared more about my work than my goddamn son! And for once, I’m not talking about the Day Job. Last night I was working right where I am now. Then this whole place fell. I spent half the night trying to fix it. And then I called for help. Can you shut up, B? Remember, that’s what I said to you, thinking you were annoying. What came next? That’s what I ask myself every time I punch these keys or pick up the pen. What about my damn penis? When I’m afraid, I either want to pee my pants or pull them off altogether. I’m either a pathetic little boy or a pervert. Or I’m in pain because, worse thing, my boy is dead.

I lost you, Triple B. I need to back up my work. Publish your books. And be prepared for whatever this night is going to bring. So far, only the continued feeling of loss, Braxton. Didn’t I say yesterday that I was taught losing is okay? I wonder what it’s like to win for once. I’ve said it many times, I won the day you had a choice, and you jumped in the car with me. I was still a loser. But love is the prize. Not that I agree with that song at all. Braxton, I won that Sunday; you were dying, and you looked… “Daddy, let’s go home.” You didn’t lose your fight. I taught you to win. Virgil? To B Losers Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 271 ~One B, Double V~

WillLeave a comment

Double V victory abroad and at the house. The world kicks my ass daily, but I always return to B III. Now the world continues, and when I get back… Virgil is fighting his loneliness and the little he knows about the world. “One B, Double V”

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

Saga 271 ~One B, Double V~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And even being wealthy enough to buy a time machine, I wouldn’t change Braxton’s name. Neo…

Once again, Inspector, you know how I am. When my Humiliations Galore pays a visit… I need my greatest pain. I need to go all Dido “that it’s not so bad. It’s not so bad.” Humiliations Galore are nothing to the simple truth that B, my perfect little boy, died. Only I didn’t know he was/is perfect at the time. If you had asked me, would I rather have a woman or my son… I’d never touch my dick again if you told me I could have my B III. In case you’re wondering why I’m calling you so late. “Don’t worry about a thing. Cause every little thing, gonna be all right,” as the song goes. I was all about Pop Culture yesterday too.

But besides all the Pop and thinking about my cock. Before talking to you, there were “People of Color.” I wonder did I pick that up in “A Black Women’s History of the United States.” Yes, Inspector, I read until I reached 75%. Tomorrow will be 90%, and Friday. But let’s stick with today and the fact that I couldn’t tell you what I retained (sigh). The GOP would be pleased. But still, I want to buy every book on African Americans and dead fur babies I can get my hands on. Even if I don’t remember a damn sentence. That’s the thing, Inspector; I would instead feel good over being smart. The Kindle Challenge? Finishing it is no accomplishment… But to win? Having that?

When I was in junior high. And then high school, there was a neighbor kid across the street, Inspector. He whipped my ass in Mario Kart every day. And do you know what I learned? Second place is okay. Now it’s not, but the fact remains I always settle Inspector. Again I can’t tell you anything about the book I’m reading but having fifteen bookmarks. I don’t want to think about love anymore. But I can do lust all day even if I’m not getting off ever. “I ain’t happy, I’m feeling glad,” like the song says, and I can go and exist as such, I know. But Braxton to Virgil? Neither Virgil nor I want to be second. The fight to be. Him and I? One B, Double V

787 Days Without B III, Day 228 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 266 ~To B Instructional Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I think I should write all I need to do for the day sometimes. Don’t I do that on Sundays? But change the air filter, fix the fence, and find the funds for meds. Then there’s the freeloader, um, Virgil. Teaching him and me. To B Instructional Virgil.

Friday, March 24, 2023

Saga 266 ~To B Instructional Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But unlike most nowadays, I can’t say I started with such and such amount of money.

Don’t get me wrong. I know Lady Sophia. Plenty of people pull themselves up by their bootstraps. as THEY say. You know I want to be all, “First, let me explain that I’m just a black man.” Hell! All day yesterday as I wandered the Day Job, ha. Welcome to your manhood. Nobody teaches you to be a man. Or should I say a good one? The stuff I do, Lady Sophia. Is it sad that Braxton, to this day, is my most tremendous success? Greatest Grammarly… And, of course, how did B III end?

“Pain in my heart but I put it in the grave
Pain in my soul but I put it in the grave
Nowhere else to put it, that’s the way that I was raised –”

Well, you can see what I’ve been reading lately. Stormzy’s Interlude. Do I need to remember Thursday, March 23, 2023, as the date I started listening to Spotify again? How about finding a pet psychic?

What? To read to me about my boy? Hell! I have two books about my son that I won’t even read. No, because I “want” to go to the Day Job instead. And then I’ll return here and read about all the Humiliations Galore I suffered all day. Next week is going to be bad. How to be a horrible human being. I have a plethora of books about that. But I can come up with some “original” ideas. But my Republican tendencies. Then again, I could try, you know. Like last night. I was thinking about how to beat my illness without hospital intervention. This led to me looking up naughty nurses and wanting to eff a particular girl in a hospital gown. Who?

I’m no doctor, do-gooder, or even a dog trainer. V would agree wholeheartedly. I’m sure. No, Lady Sophia. I’m an effing “deviant.” Or, at best, a DOM. Even worse, disgusting. Only I’m not trying to heal anybody, teach, and what about love? Braxton taught that. Yet, like all those dead fur baby books, I’m not reading anymore. Sophia, this week’s title… A Black Women’s History of the United States. Finishing it next week, I hope. That’s the only way I’ll read. I complete another Kindle Challenge, and for what, my Lady? I’m reading paychecks and bills, showing my idiocy. Instructions on how to die, Sophia. The clock tells me what to do, and I wonder why I fail. Myself, Braxton, Virgil. To B Instructional Virgil

782 Days Without B III, Day 223 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 265 ~Heal B, Heel V~

WillLeave a comment

When I got put off my Olds health plan. Many, many years ago. My Ma said I didn’t get sick or hurt often. I’ve been good for eye exams here. Shots for Covid there. A bacterial infection. I had my boy and a few good chicks. But now Heal B, Heel V

Thursday, March 23, 2023

Saga 265 ~Heal B, Heel V~

781 Days Without B III, Day 222 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’ve had a surprising one here or there. At least, sometimes. I’m healing. I think.

That doesn’t sound like much. I know. Considering I couldn’t save you. Your life’s work. It was keeping me safe, B III. I’m still breathing. So how dare I mock it, right? Hell! I still call V the freeloader. Ha! I can hear your voice… “I Think I Can. I Think I Can…” um, telling me, not cool, bro. Hmm. It isn’t, I know. But I did try and block off that gap in the fence. That’s for his protection. But when it rains, it pours Little B. Little V needs so many things right now. Well, you did too? And when did I start to care? Too late! Again I know. If I’m so bright, I should have been a doc. I did want to be a vet once.

A reason to get up in the morning. But these days, it has nothing to do with the new day. I’m usually sick. That’s TMI. At least I’m sleeping at all, right? I can say that. It always comes back to you, Braxton. I should live as though I’m watching you all night long B. When’s the last time I got a good night’s sleep? I love being asleep, B III. Allow me to be like that little girl in Blue Gender. Something to the tune of… I wish I could go to sleep for a long time. Because when you’re asleep, the monsters can’t get you. To sleep forever. That’s what I thought about at the Day Job today. Being antsy, Angry, Anxiety Braxton.

Both heads are a mess these days, my friend. Yet I want you, B, to rest in peace. Good Luck. Only you’re no doctor. A hero, not a heel, but a healer. If only I could tell you about today. Yes, we’re talking early because by the time you see this… Thursday will be horrible; Wednesday, March 22, 2023… other than begging to get off early when I need money. There’s a body to fix, a fence, and the freeloader. The word keeps popping up. I’m sorry, Braxton. Anyway, Virgil’s been summoned for a vet appointment. It still gives me chills, or is that The Sickness? I mean, mine, Virgil, is okay. Only shots, I think. Fixing; um, saving me. Running. Heal B, Heel V

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 259 ~Write Way, Braxton, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Busy living or dying? I exist. And it’s getting harder to breathe. Not that bothered B III. But I won’t ever write that what I did was right. Not when I’m writing about everything wrong with me. Going on with V. “Write Way, Braxton, Virgil”

Friday, March 17, 2023

Saga 259 ~Write Way, Braxton, Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I shouldn’t have any health issues. But you know I’m an effing liar… sometimes. Often?

The biggest lie I ever told? As I was telling Braxton the Wednesday when he was trying to get my attention. The Friday as I put him in the car to go to the vet. There was the Saturday night I lay beside him. And Sunday, January 31, 2021, as I carried him back to the vet… Like the song goes AHEM, “We gon’ be alright.” And here we are, 775 days later. Well, one of us. Today is one of those days I want to be with my son. Well, that’s every day, to be sure. Only today, even more so. I heard something interesting this morning. You know that word unalive? “THEY” use it to keep their content. The almighty dollar, as always.

Since I can’t use the effing S-Word because I don’t need the cops showing up at the door… um again. I’ll only say I want to be with my son. The freeloader… Virgil Vivi’s here. Sophia, it’s the only reason I’m not buck-naked lying here with some chicken noodles. Hell! All of the times I almost died before I met Braxton. Relax, Lady Sophia, you can say I’m quoting a movie. How about a book? Remember I said I’m an effing liar, I believe. According to the Kindle Challenge and now Goodreads, I read “How to Be an Antiracist.” Everything but the Notes and About the Author sections. And what about watching The 1619 Project. I need my eyes for that, don’t I? SIGH trying.

But today, let’s start with the basics. The Cherry Collision once The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident is kicking my ass. How the Hell did I survive the Day Job. Eff Me! On that subject, it’s why I’m late talking to you, Sophia. I was writing Cherry and reading M Anime. At least for a few minutes, I didn’t feel like joining B. Women and fur babies. But then we get to my eyes which have been itching and burning. Effing maddening. When I returned, I immediately popped a painkiller and shared some fries with Virgil. Would Braxton be proud of me? It shows I’m trying to keep existing. Talking to you, looking up drugs. Knowing my son is dead, but today. Write Way, Braxton, Virgil

775 Days Without B III, Day 216 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 258 ~Virgil’s A Pain, B~

WillLeave a comment

Pain’s a big subject that I could never do justice to. Well, except once… Hell! A week. But I knew Wednesday. I thought nothing about it Thursday. Friday, we saw a vet. And Sunday, my son died. That’s pain. Not this and not now. “Virgil’s A Pain, B.”

Thursday, March 16, 2023

Saga 258 ~Virgil’s A Pain, B~

774 Days Without B III, Day 215 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? How can I while being such a meanie? It’s more like because of the pain.

You’re dead, Braxton. Anytime I feel like it’s too much. When I finally decide I don’t deserve this, I become all Tammy Rose meets Yuri Orlov, with some Robert Neville. “My son is dead,” “My brother’s dead,” “Everybody! Every single person that you or I has ever known is dead! Dead! There is no god!” My suffering, betrayal, and treachery. B, this is it. And sadly, it keeps up existence. My Republican Tendencies, B III. Who needs hope, hmm? Not when there’s sadness and rage. And my personal favorite, FEAR. A lot more without you. That’s your daddy, alright. Always being the selfish prick I am. Oh, and speaking of… There’s The Cherry Collision from Thursday, February 16, 2023. A month since my idiocy brought…

“Pain, Pain…” I know there’s some song that goes like that. But finding it? Well, Triple B, if there’s one thing I’m an expert at finding, it’s Triple X. Looking up a word like sadism. “The tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.” All but two seconds, B. Timing my bathroom visits? Yes, I know, TMI, dude. But you were the Todd to my Jacob. I started reading that series Succubus Lord when you were alive. Now I listen to it every day. Audible sees a problem. But anyway, I never got anything from hurting you. And killing you. Ellie and Joel… Braxton, you know I could go all in on that. Mental, Physical, Emotional, poor me…

But I haven’t learned, have I? Virgil is upstairs by his lonesome. It’s not fair for me to say he’s a pain in the ass after he has learned so much. Ending suffering, misery, and training. That’s for both of us. Only he ain’t you, and that’s “What Hurts The Most.” I sense another playlist, Braxton. You know I’m still pissed about Crazy Town’s Butterfly selection? Humiliation Braxton, and I was the only one who heard it. Effing mental anguish, Braxton. Only again, that’s nothing compared to the physical right now. Too late to see doctors. Then there’s how others feel. I’m ignoring your aunt, what I did to Cherry, again there’s Virgil. But you and I? And yet I’ll say Virgil’s A Pain, B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 252 ~Burning B’s Books, Virgil’s…~

WillLeave a comment

If I end up burning in Hell… more than likely, “All These Things That I’ve Done.” I wouldn’t destroy one word of my son’s story. Then again, women, family, the Day Job, and other assorted crimes. Not killing B III. “Burning B’s Books, Virgil’s…”

Friday, March 10, 2023

Saga 252 ~Burning B’s Books, Virgil’s…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. So I wanted to start today off with another lie? I don’t have time. There’s Virgil…

Please! That is the only reason I’m sitting here on the loveseat instead of in a “comfy” bed. It’s because of V. I couldn’t stand him lying on my leg. For some reason, it was annoying ok. Do I feel like being a meanie today? One more morning, I didn’t wake up in Hell. Or did I? What is this place? I’m so damn tired, and that was after an energy drink. I did pass out for five minutes before I took it, though. And if it wasn’t because of reading bottles… Sophia, I’m still reading How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi. I swear! One more thing making me want to burn this Mother Effer to the ground. This is America. Right?

I haven’t been brushing up on any song lyrics. But I’m still pissed. I said sometime last week that the first song I played on Spotify this year was Butterfly. Me and my wayward dick. In case you’re ever wondering where I am when I should be talking, Lady Sophia. To you, to Braxton, to the other girls. The Man in the Mirror. Ain’t like he ever listens to me. Again that’s with being pumped full of energy drinks. I was up at 4:00. Billionaire? Burning daylight looking up Lucy Tyler, Kiara Gold, and Amilia Onyx, to name a few. Sophia, I could burn every Playboy and Penthouse in the world… can’t stop the signal. And so I’m here. 10:00 in the morning. Time wasted!

But that doesn’t mean we should go around burning books. What about B III’s novels? Did you think I was going to forget about him today? What about Braxton’s auntie? Sophia, does she mourn her fur baby as I mourn mine every day? All the tears in the world couldn’t douse the fire I have for writing. Oh no, that would be The Cherry Collision. Yes, it looks like I will continue to suffer from that. Yep, with all these money issues. Something else I was doing this morning. I looked at all the cash burning. Such is failure. It might also explain why I won’t publish Braxton’s works. Burning. Someday I might end up burning them. Black writer, Republican tendencies… B’s Burning Books, Virgil’s

768 Days Without B III, Day 209 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 251 ~Smile Virgil, Fangs B~

WillLeave a comment

Dumb Ways to Die. Let Virgil take a few fingers eating fries… (B III knows better). Get a smile stuck on my face at the Day Job, then smash my head Humiliations Galore, etc. But whenever I wake up, surprise then disappointment. Smile Virgil, Fangs B

Thursday, March 9, 2023

Saga 251 ~Smile Virgil, Fangs B~

767 Days Without B III, Day 208 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? What time is it? FUCK! It is only a half-day, and I’ve already wasted $40.00

Well, if it made you happy. I should have bought you fries that Wednesday. It would have been the last day you could enjoy them. Am I right? But you know how I was. One more hard week down and Humiliations galore. And I had to do it while smiling. Braxton, I woke up this afternoon, and it was like something out of King of the Hill. You know when Hank shook Bush’s hand. Surprise, then disappointment. That’s being alive. Existence. I shouldn’t look down on it, should I? I want to say you’d be happier lying by my side than the freeloader. One day I won’t call V that. Um, cut to my disappointment. That’s how I was this afternoon waking up after lunch.

V biting me doesn’t scare me at all. With all the med stuff I still have going on. My bad. What do I know about doctors and things? It’s not like they told me I’ll die. A shock B III. No! It was such fear when they told me that you were dying. The face I must have made way back then. Did I say that? It’s only been two years. And what do I have to show for it? It is much too early to start thinking about E-Day. Emergence, Existence, Extinction B III. Or is that the only day I eat well? If it wasn’t for the rain today. Was I afraid, Braxton? That’s the worse look on my face. I look STUPID.

Only it could be worse… Well no. When it comes to my face, shall I perform Heaven’s Light for you? “No face as hideous as my face. Was ever meant for Heaven’s light.” B III. You had such a cute face. To this day, Braxton, you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. Okay, the most handsome. The last time I was all mushy with you… (sigh). Yeah, it was in the vet’s office when we had to say goodbye. How many times have I cried writing this? At least I ain’t moaning in another sort of way. Clothes on, Virgil sleeping. Sharing fries with him, he nearly took some fingers. To bleed to death… and join you. Smile Virgil, Fangs B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 245 ~Virgil’s Bookish, B III~

WillLeave a comment

I’ve dropped a book a few times in the tub. A girl snatched one of my books and threw it at some guy. Bloody pages. And I’m sweating bullets in public. Reading is my place of peace… or so it is/was with Braxton. And Virgil? Virgil’s Bookish, B III

Friday, March 3, 2023

Saga 245 ~Virgil’s Bookish, B III~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I don’t plan on becoming transphobic like J. K. Rowling. Or ripping people off somehow.

Please. For that kind of money… or less, I’d throw whatever morals I have out the window. I haven’t been doing a lot of reading. But I’ve watched every episode of “The Last of Us.” I’ve said I would burn the world to the fucking ground to save my Braxton. Hell! He’s not asking for that. And he wouldn’t even ask for me to be happy. My son knows me. If anything, B wants me to have peace. And when did that ever happen, hmm? Reading on the loveseat in the den. After a hard day of guarding the house and protecting me while I napped. He would curl up with me as I read. Did I need a reason to cry today with everything?

The Ninth Circle of Hell is Treachery. And is said to be frozen with the tears of the greatest betrayer, Lucifer. I’ll know sooner or later. At least, I hope so. Lady Sophia, I’d like to be correct for once. Besides my tears, I’ve been spitting nonsense at Cherry. Me looking and then; being STUPID! Next to Braxton dying, to be stupid is the worst. Then dad… the Day Job. Sweating up a storm at those things. But the Day Job for most of this week. Only better sweat than blood. My blood has been boiling with rage at that place, Sophia. The stress, sins, and sickness. All coming from trying to exist in this place, Sophia. One more reason to read. Knowledge and power?

I can’t say I’ve found much solace in “How to Be an Antiracist.” Was I looking for that, Sophia? And “Mesmerizing Caroline – The Beginning” is an excuse for me to be lazy. All so I can have my one-book-a-week streak. Or should I say, as the song goes, “I be strokin’.” I know, reading the energy bottle, I should be up until at least 2 this afternoon. So what should I be reading until then? Yep, stress, sin, and sickness. But here’s the thing, My Lady. It wouldn’t matter what I was reading. Braxton and the freeloader… Virgil. They want to be a part of it. I’m a better “person” while reading. You can’t get books wet. Buying a Kindle… Virgil’s Bookish, B III.

761 Days Without B III, Day 202 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 244 ~Gonna B Alright Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I thought the silence would kill me. But the noise filling the void now? It’s like “Wanted,” I want to scream at the Day Job, “SHUT THE F*CK UP!” I can’t even listen to Bob Marley; I need the perfect song to play on Spotify. “Gonna B Alright Virgil.”

Thursday, March 2, 2023

Saga 244 ~Gonna B Alright Virgil~

760 Days Without B III, Day 201 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I asked that every day. But did I listen? I hope you hear me now.

My anger. And as the song goes, “I feel stupid.” Hell! I am stupid. And I wish I could have told you that. The Wednesday you came crying to me. If I didn’t hear you… Braxton, I should have let you help. That’s one more thing making me angry today. Selfishness. Because even now, I want to make this about me. I thought I was protecting you, in a way, from my rage and wrath. But it was the indifference. I didn’t care enough, Braxton. We went on until Friday. “I sang ‘Cause every little thing, gonna be all right.” But it won’t be ever again. And not only because you’re gone, Braxton Barks. Madness. To paraphrase from the character Howard Beale “I’m fucking mad as Hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

And I’m scared of what that means, Triple B. What if it doesn’t mean a damn thing? It didn’t back when you were with me. I would still be sitting here, head of the table. Braxton, that’s what I was scared of. I wouldn’t be able to put food on our table ever again. Don’t I have those concerns about Virgil Vivi? That’s another thing that frightens me… I don’t. You see, it’s been 201 days. That’s about six months and change. Any fear, Braxton? Only I don’t want to see him suffer in the rain. And there was that time he sniffed your bed. I don’t fear at all that he’ll take your place.

I’m sad that I would rather join you. A lot more these days, B III. Thanks to the Day Job. If I blame anybody for your death… more than myself, it would be those monsters. Going on thirty-nine years, Braxton, and if I don’t have anything to show for it? It was a sad idea. Better to give in to depression than anger. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. And according to the Day Job, I don’t have one. So what should go into my head? At the moment, it’s what this reactor said about Anger, Fear, and Sadness. Triggering emotions. Lust is not the greatest. Eww! And things like hope, love… Hell! But telling Virgil and me, It’s Gonna B Alright Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad