Tag: Noise

Log 221 ~Sounding Off Someday Will~

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Another week of research on noise and it sounds like it could be the turbine on the roof but that’s coming from the mouth or fingers of a stranger but my head if nothing but a racket so anything to read in silence. Sounding Off Someday Will

Friday, February 7, 2020

Log 221 ~Sounding Off Someday Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and with that, I know, money is pretty loud. If I can’t read in silence, I might as well learn about the noise. Well, that explains why I’m talking to you tonight. I’ve already said I don’t like waking up early though I should. Yes, Lady Sophia, I wasted one more day on sleep. My grandest accomplishments today, I fueled up the car and took care of a few emails. Tonight (Tuesday), I should be watching the State of the Union. In all fairness, I couldn’t stand all the fawning, and the “Black/Minority Parade” Trump has.

Tomorrow will be all abuzz with his lies and his defenders. I swear what else am I going to do besides watching that or YouTube. Again this is a night without reading or Far Cry 5, and of course, you know why. I miss My Study, Man Cave, Fortress of Solitude; that’s not my bedroom. When it comes to bed, of course, this is the last place I should be now. I’m still watching UnidentifiedSFM, and I haven’t even checked on Jada Chan. Now, if you look any of that up, My Lady, that’s your fault. Anyway, I’m going crazy this being Day 4 of you know what. Of course, there is still the humming, and did I tell you I have a lead on the racket now. It makes it much easier to handle when you know that something can end someway, somehow hopefully.

Wow, saying any word with “LY” immediately triggers Hemingway, Grammarly, or both. I want to be a better writer Lady Sophia, more than anything, but haven’t I said I don’t sound like myself. At this rate, I should join the chorus on the roof. Now if it’s not only weird sounds, it’s an echo but no disrespect to Inspector Echo, I’m only saying the same thing on repeat. I hate being unoriginal, but worse is an ignored voice, you know. I tried showing off to A&W the other day, but he didn’t want to hear it at all. Of course, that leads to the worse sound of all. My money, falling into nothing and hollowing out my bank account. Even the fear of strangers and my Olds; SIGH, that’s what got me into this mess. I can’t read about another world yet, a better place; I’m Sounding Off Someday Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 175 ~Bells, Pails, Will Tell~

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All I want for Christmas… that’s like a list of the women I want to (um okay) if anything I want my wallet to be as full as my fridge, my son, and what’s up with, the cleaning supplies and gift bags and no one’s named charity. Bells, Pails, Will Tell

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Episode 175 ~Bells, Pails, Will Tell~

To Will:
How To Make One Million Dollars, let other people do it, The Salvation Army, Prosperity Ministry, and what’s one more pretty girl, but no, you have no choice but to listen to those loud ass bells, same with people, you have no faith in yourself, and how much did you spend today? Man I know how you feel about charity, it doesn’t make sense you know, somebody has millions if not billions of dollars, but from the proceeds of their obscene profits, they donate a million and feel good about themselves, tsk, tsk.

Now I don’t want to lecture you about money, hell you have over a thousand dollars waiting “The Alamo Fund” I’m also not telling you to be a fool and spend it all, neither am I complaining about how you’re living… Okay so that’s what I do honestly but what I mean is, you shine up like a new penny for what; did you spend money on “B III” today, in a way, seeing as how you always share right? You spend money on Pussy (Language), Pets, and Prose, and it’s the first, and the last that makes you so silly don’t you think, bringing up those Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
    Failed
  3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
    Failed
  4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
    Failed
  5. I Will Finish The Golden Line: (Knotted Book 1), Addison Cain
    Completed
  6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel
    Failed

Well, Merry “Freaking” Christmas, a 17.5 F and the most you can even start to hope for is five out of six until “Triple B” has his next Vet appointment, annual and his heart condition. You have a heart condition dammit because you believe in such things and throw money at them; being a father to a son because you have to, you clean up the house, get a haircut, shower, shave, buy presents and yes you feel better. My point is you believe in everything but yourself, you want to make others happy, you say your son is going to live until his brown coat is silver, you give everything you are to everything else, but you are impossible, unbelievable, worthless Six Impossible Things:

  1. I Will Keep It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  2. I Will Be The “Father” My Dog Deserves
  3. I Will Review Sell My Soul (Sixty Days #1) by Jade West
  4. I Will Review Depredation By Natalie Bennett
  5. I Will Finish Christmas Cake: A Holiday Collection by Celia Aaron
  6. I Will Edit One Chapter Of My Newly Written Novel

So much noise and somehow the holidays are supposed to be the cure and not the virus, how full would your gas tank be, your wallet, hell even your bed if all this faith you have somehow you could keep; Grammarly, blogging, put your money where your mouth is but you would never. Tell them to stop those bells, call out the liars, it’s okay to like your friends, but you go out of your way for them, be selfish, but it won’t be this week sigh I could guess that Bells, Pails, Will Tell.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

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Last week around this same time I was celebrating my escape from the norm, and today I feel as though I’m institutionalized wanting to get back into my story and at the same time committing the crime of doing everything else. The Will To Escape.

Friday, July 27, 2018

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to stay here as the song goes, maybe it’s the fact that people know they’re supposed to be quiet, unlike the movies I can get a good eight hours in, instead of a brief respite, or maybe it’s the fact that the library is becoming my gym. The sad part is today, I’ve been here since nearly ten, and I’ve used everything I can to avoid doing any real writing (Emails); for the second day in a row I’ve woken up early and fallen back asleep and why?

No excuses Lady Sophia, I’m tired, maybe I’m mad as Hell, and it’s not as if I don’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be here otherwise, and it could be plenty of other things to be sure, but the thing is I want to escape. Yesterday I was at the store, and when I was getting out of my car, this group of black teenagers was walking by, and they burst out laughing at me, and for a split second, I was that loser I once was back in school. The thing is I raised my head up, I didn’t run, put up my hoody, plug in my earphones or anything I kept walking and was pretty damn anxious to fight, but I wanted to, I should have… NO?

How many times have I said, I don’t grow, and maybe it’s not because I can’t afford a wardrobe but presumedly because I’ve become used to hiding, to make myself small, keeping my mouth shut to avoid offending anybody but I do that anyway with my writing? It’s people’s fault, as I said, I have my hood, my earphones, books, everything to avoid people but they don’t like the reminder of their insignificance to the rest of us, and this whole world is like a prison. So I resort to solitary confinement, my “white room” in writing which is my escape from the world and now I realize maybe escape isn’t the goal that I’m looking for dear Lady Sophia.

Like yesterday not with the teens but when one of the clerks overcharged me, and I walked back in there and got my money back, I want to bring the damn ruckus, but at this point, I’m empty still; I meant to get a shrimp dinner but settled on a burger. I didn’t want to deal with any more people yesterday, and now today I’m only mad at myself and yes call me a hypocrite because if I’m going to bring the noise to everyone else, I’m Will and truth is The Will To Escape.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 307 ~Right To Remain Told~

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I have my answer for last week, a story that’s timeless would have to be Star Wars but nowadays if you want a tale as old as time I have one word for you… RACISM but today can’t I be happy it’s Star Wars Day? Right To Remain Told.

Friday, May 04, 2018

Lesson 307 ~Right To Remain Told~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I Am Not Fine Today, and no it’s not because the Sith, the Empire, or even The First Order fail; if anything I find myself in good company, and with that Happy Star Wars Day. To think such a story was once shunned and has become a massive powerhouse, I still hate that idea the winners write history,” and I still believe history is told from the survivors but call it history, prophecy, fiction, truth, they’re words.

People hear what they wish, but that doesn’t mean we should remain silent; at least not always anyway, as I have talked plenty about being loud, being heard, and the world needs that. It’s just too much damn noise now with all the gunshots, the fear as so many hearts beat a little bit faster, the marching in the street, the hatred that’s spewed and anonymous tips falsely reported. So yeah I’ve been reading today about two native American young men who were kicked out of a college tour as they were quiet… seriously Lady Sophia how do I even keep my job, almost didn’t?

Didn’t I say before that people speak of quiet like it’s a goddamn crime, and now their story is being written and bring on the noise, and there should be a ruckus, but people would prefer they hush. What about Star Wars, George Lucas was told to go away, that his story would not amount to anything and look at him now, well better look at Disney actually but still he became God. When it comes to my novel though I have to admit the biggest enemy, the one telling me to remain silent, the one I know that doesn’t believe well “It’s Gonna Be Me,” yeah terribly corny right?

I wish I could say my work is corny or anything that easy, what about my plan of making a poetry book and yeah today is a holiday because I am a nerd but any other day I’m just freaking lazy. No promises but I do want people to know, hell I write every day and just like my poetry collection I’m approaching the year mark aren’t I, and even if I’m speaking into the void, I haven’t known silence.

One day my poems, stories, and life will make excellent kindling, and you can take that however you wish, and while I have the right to remain silent on my views, I also have the precious “Right To Remain Told.”

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 270 ~Let’s Have The Noise~

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Be quiet, shut up, that’s enough noise and isn’t it a dog’s duty to warn his human, but I can take his barking a lot better than the words of most people. He’s indeed his father’s son. Let’s Have The Noise

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Lesson 270 ~Let’s Have The Noise~

Forgive Me Echo,
I Am Not Fine Today but do you think I will tell anyone; oh sure my fingers hitting these keys, the way I groan when my dog wants me to wake-up and live, the way my heart sounds like thunder whenever the phone rings or there’s a knock upon my chamber door.

Hell sometimes I think I’m turning the pages too loud, which is just another reason I use my Kindle; a small excuse, I can carry my library anywhere but still those damn pages in traditional books. How about the words that I don’t say out loud but are bold on the covers, and even my fashion sense, I find red to be a loud color, but black isn’t supposed to speak… did that sound racist, when you think about it, yeah, people of color aren’t allowed to speak against the status quo. Something else I’ve noticed is I shuffle my feet; don’t I have the strength to lift them anymore other than heading up the stairs to paradise… my bed?

Is it my pride, I think words should have such power and when I speak men tremble, honestly ask my general manager, why do my answers frighten him so; I’m a fan of the second amendment but even more so of the first. Inspector Echo you have heard me say again I do such damage to myself before I ever consider hurting another, don’t I see my words do the most damage. If anything I am the walking embodiment of “The Sound of Silence,” and we know how people can’t take that, they are much too afraid of the truths they will hear, only aren’t I telling myself stories nightly?

My gravest sin today is not giving them forgiveness, their absolution, as though “just kidding” has ever been a salve to me; haven’t I said this before, that laughter perhaps is the worst sound. No one has seen or heard my tears in ages and they never will again as the song goes “but to cry in front of you, that’s the worst thing I could do,” so I’m not that great a sinner am I Inspector Echo, you think?

So I ask forgiveness first and foremost for myself, haven’t I said the point is to make noise, and I’m still so afraid, yes I am scared to be; I’m sorry I can endure the silence like any other pain, and I won’t give that pain to others. I’m sorry I won’t give them what they ask for; saying no to, Let’s Have The Noise.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 042 ~Lost in The Translation~

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The English language is weird, maybe all language is in general and nobody hears the same thing at least when it truly matters to them. Lost in The Translation or I’d probably be in even more trouble than the usual.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Lesson 042 ~Lost in The Translation~

Hey Lady Lu,
No Fear, and no genius either but sometimes I feel damn near erudite when it comes to what others talk about. That being said, I’m still the caveman, well the cave dweller since I haven’t been out for a while and I can’t say I miss the grunting, I rather enjoy the silence that can’t last forever.

One of the managers said I need to speak up more, to be more like them, okay maybe not that second part but that would just be me pretending again. I must never forget that while I am trying to speak more, I won’t let myself become one of those people who just utters a pile of gibberish just to make myself heard. As I’ve said before I may not know who I am, but I know what I don’t want to be, yeah I refuse to speak idiot or just plain loud like them.

Then again do I sound like an idiot to you… I know some people think as such but with every comment that I receive, it’s probably the lack of punctuation that bothers me the least. How about my atrocious hand writing, here I go again Luna putting words in their mouths, the last comment I got was small and why didn’t I just take it as small, it’s the translation. Today’s lesson, another manager told me that perception is reality and I hate that because what does that say about me on any given day.

I told you before that silence is my native tongue and to others that must make me shy, meek, nobody and when they learn… I suppose we all learn but it starts with what they say vs. what we hear, the language of us right?

“HE DIDN’T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” – The Princess Bride (1987)

This is how my day began, you see if you tell most girls that they were the first thing on your mind well… three examples, “Indiana Gone” would be thrilled, Luna you were second but you don’t care do you, and of course, you know who was first big surprise.

So I was thinking about stilts… hear me out Luna, I was thinking in terms of high heels but after a bit of research I found that stilts in my mind wouldn’t be the same as in everybody else’s. I think I ruined a pretty good poem today though I did it anyway, what was it I said, I enjoy the silence, how about that it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of me. Yeah but Luna I can’t buy all my own books can I, it damn sure better matter what people think of me, maybe not understand but a suitable translation of my writing.

Speaking of translation may be PetSmart should work on that or I’m just an idiot thinking the left hand should know what the right hand is doing, seems stupid that Braxton goes to the doctor and will get groomed in the same place and it’s like apples and oranges. Maybe I’m right to be as nervous as I am, especially considering this will be the first time I leave him in someone’s hands who isn’t “family” then again my father…

How about my conversation with “M Anime” one I really need to write these nicknames down and two I doubt anyone but me is going to get that name at all. She can’t read me nowhere near as well as Indiana Gone, and “Gospel Girl” still thinks I’m a good person and haven’t heard from “Okay” in a day or so. “Ms. Seasons” understood in a way and even if I wanted to say that I was taken out of context, I’m not President Trump.

I don’t speak idiot, I speak movies and music, sexual innuendos, BDSM, a web of obscenity and my mom never told me this but if you can’t say anything nice…

“How many languages do you speak?

Five, actually.

Well, I speak one… One Zero One Zero Zero. With that, I could steal your money, your secrets, your sexual fantasies, your whole life. Any country, any place, any time I want. We multitask like you breathe. I couldn’t think as slow as you if I tried.” – from The Core (2003)

Say what you mean and mean what you say but that’s all relative isn’t it and it gets worse when you can’t understand at all, sometimes Braxton looks at me, he has food, water, been outside, doesn’t appear to be in pain and he cries and I just tell him “no”. We don’t want to understand more to the point we want to hear what we think we already know and some language is universal.

“I don’t want people dead, Agent Valentine. I don’t put a gun to anybody’s head and make them shoot. But shooting is better for business. But, I prefer people to fire my guns and miss. Just as long as they are firing. Can I go now?” Lord of War (2005)

Violence by far is the easiest, okay Luna I know you didn’t sign up for philosophy 101 *snickers* but it tells the speaker one thing, the listener another, the bystanders, and it is all lost in the roar. Pain and horror, there is not one word that can make it better, not without action, even understanding is lost to the moment. How about a kiss, all the words in the world but sex, a kiss, a hug, holding hands, that silence before and after, intimacy?

“Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts” – Don’t Speak, No Doubt

Even telling Braxton no, a lot I think I speak Braxton quite fluently but I have yet to meet the one person that can speak my language, I may think so and then they start talking but a few do try. How about speaking a woman’s language, why not try speaking French again, I sort of failed at both; I do not miss high school at all. Anyway didn’t we go over all of this before, with Gospel Girl I’ve been a gentlemen and even Indiana Gone likes me to be sweet sometimes but being honest, the truth hurts.

I’ve already admitted that silence scares me too sometimes, echoes in the past that warn me of my future, but anyway what have I learned today? Always look up words, another reason I don’t speak often, Wilt ‘The Stilt’ Chamberlain didn’t come to mind when I was writing and I’m lucky most of the things are Lost in The Translation.

High Off Confession

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Gripes are supposed to go up, not down, so why do people get low, why do people get high, strangely enough, I was neither writing this, angels aren’t real right but people have airplanes. High Off Confession, would I really need a priest for this one

What goes good with confession?

Perhaps a side of God?
If my words could reach so high…
But would I rather keep my secrets,
to make my regrets the sod
freshened

with so many tear stained letters
that I ask, can you stop the rain
cause I’m leaving on a jet plane?
Only you’re the jet setter
A new profession;

and with my warmest regards
or sincerely
However, may I say it clearly?
Louder as my heart breaks apart
the question

can you, will you, will she?
No erase
backspace
when she pressed delete
That’s my prerogative but her discretion

Not the wind, the speed, the sky’s color or hue
even the air to breathe
someone get me a priest
for if I am to drown on a word or two
this concession

To live loud, slamming doors,
fist, the beating of my heart
Maybe a confession is not so smart
selfless, brave, honest or kind, anymore,
better my impression

of the sound of silence
Regain the spirit of the caveman
wondering not how any man
learned to fly, speak, or become giants
Yes, my regression

Because with my confession
would come another transgression

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

How God Shall I Evolve

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Talking to myself, somebody I can’t stand, other people, my anxiety, I think that all of us needed to hear this, to be honest, but can I actually say it though? “How God Shall I Evolve”, no wonder he never speaks to us.

EXPLAIN while the earth revolves
like an engine on its last miles
or a man treating his car like a child
with his words in a pinch
But mine will no longer be
as they flow like the sea
So I will stand tall

LEARNING so that I may one day solve
of you and I while
the question remains what makes you smile
if only it is me after all
Perhaps the words are cheese
yet this mouse shall remain free
I shall not flinch

VACANT in my fear, no I will not be absolved
listen to not a beg or plea
I’m fresh out of apologies
Conclusion, done, the end, lynched
from my vocabulary file
maybe only to be exiled
leaving me to maul

LOST words that shall now be involved
without a fear of trial
be they vulgar or vile
Let me run, walk, or crawl
and not take a knee
Your words will no longer be me
Shall I no longer be a grinch?

VALUE my existence I have hereby resolved
My head no longer buried in the tile,
the sand, the muck, my own bile
Boyz II Men, “I Will Get There” I’ll get through this
Such words will be free
Hello, Goodbye, Thank You, Yes, No, not maybe
No longer a caveman, I see the writing on the wall

ENUNCIATE damn you, with anxiety and gall
Make them earn your smile and do not while
Your own life they speak, they laugh, they sneer and revile
To be given one inch
Defend it, with all you are and hope to be, after BC
For I am a man, not a boy, nor a monster, a pest or a flea
Do you hear me Ms. Seasons” all of you, I can, I Will, Evolve

Copyright © 2017, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.

Lesson 035 ~To The Caveman’s Diploma~

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Did cavemen even have names, I might as well not have one, how many coworkers get mine wrong and I just say nothing because… yeah, I’m a fool and a grunt isn’t really an answer now is it? To The Caveman’s Diploma, it’s time to graduate

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Lesson 035 ~To The Caveman’s Diploma~

Hey Lady Lu,
NO FEAR, I suppose we’re both going to have to get used to that aren’t we but at least I bother to say hey to you at all right. Yeah, this isn’t just a phase but a new way of life though that’s easy to say from the comfort of their bed.

Maybe I can understand why people say their prayers from their bedrooms, other than being prudent, the place that you feel comfortable enough to lay your head is the place it is easiest to be yourself, your cave as it was. That’s the thing though isn’t it, I’m trying to be a better version of myself and I’m not going to find him here. It must be the same thing when people go off to college to find themselves, hell me fate was fixed, I was in so many pieces honestly I was just trying to find enough to hold whatever I could find together.

So today’s lesson I present to you, a question, how do you think the first caveman took it when somebody told him to shut up, that nothing he said mattered, that maybe he was stupid. I’m sure those caves ran out of room on those walls at some point and then that man took a deep breath and it wasn’t a grunt it wasn’t a show of force it was simply a word. What do you think the first word was, I understand the ‘no’ in the planet of the apes but would it be the same for a man?

Maybe that’s my first fear, that I’ll sound like an idiot, as far as I know, I already do, I have nothing in common with people at work, maybe a movie here or there and how much conversation is that. “Indiana Gone” would say it’s quite a lot since we watch a lot of movies only we’ve never had a serious face to face conversations but that’s not my anxiety.

Another fear is what I’m going to say, “the incident” I haven’t gone back to talk to “Ms. Seasons” though I know she has big things happening; mostly out of anger and I actually feel bad but then again that isn’t really talking. If a woman about to travel the world gets me so mad, imagine a woman right in front of me, no worries, I’m not my father still you know my bad temper.

If it isn’t my bad temper then I’m certified NSFW, if anything I’m still avoiding my real work on the SCC, though I think my poetry is becoming somewhat more “revealing”. I swear people have to give me something, I can’t talk about this that or the other and then people wonder why I don’t talk at all. How to begin again like Sarina from “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” or Shenice/Shebang from “Static Shock” … I wonder how many people actually know these two characters.

There I go from feeling stupid around people to the idea that no one will have any idea what I’m talking about but at least this wasn’t “skeevy and inappropriate” was it. How about if no one cares, I mean those who were supposed to care the most were the first to shut me down and then I just stopped trying and I don’t want to be one of those using words to breathe if anything I breathe for the words if that makes any sense. Then again I find myself here, hoping any word at all will make any sort of difference, first, it’s prayers, then drinks, how about delusions of grandeur too.

When Caesar spoke for the first time to the apes he became a leader he became a king, but the people that talk nowadays really shouldn’t talk at all. The Tower of Babel, wasn’t that God’s way of telling people to shut up, and what were the people shouting back to him, so many questions?

“You can draw sounds?

Draw sounds? Yes, I can draw sounds… and I can speak them back.” The 13th Warrior

Sometimes I forget the power of words, and while I doubt mine will be anything new, I know first-hand what one little voice can do, especially when no one is expecting it. Once I get going down this path I’m going to simply refuse to stop, yet another concern who the hell will I be?

This is just the start of my evolution as I’m thinking of it, little caveman doing the writing on the wall and soon enough I’m going to have to start reading it. I’m going to have to leave the cave and look out onto the world and decide what I want to make and I can’t let anyone stop me. It sounds crazy doesn’t it, sounds like stuff I read and instead of taking it truly to heart I just went back into my cave.

“The whole system makes me feel so… insignificant.

Excellent. You’ve made a real breakthrough.

I have?

Yes, Z. You ARE insignificant.” the movie Antz (1998)

So what if I make people mad, I’ve made plenty of people mad in the past and now I need to look towards the future and tomorrow will be a major test of my new resolve. Two things, keep my head up no matter what and for the love of anything speak, doesn’t even matter anymore, even if I am a fool I know this world. I may not know who I will be but I am done letting other people decide for me without a doubt, better to be my own fool than being theirs… that may not change.

While I’m getting rid of those grunts of mine, if it makes me feel better, then how about getting rid of “maybe”, what about “sorry”, might as well get rid of this stupid smile that’s been plastered on my face. When the first caveman graduated, evolved, you know what he probably said, like when I wrote my first word my own name, he probably said man, me, or I, and here’s To The Caveman’s Diploma.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 034 ~Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises~

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“Sup” is that even a word, now I’m not a believer in Newspeak but even that would be better than the noises I just happen to make on any given day. Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises aren’t enough for me, not in this world anymore

Friday, August 4, 2017

Lesson 034 ~Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises~

To My Lady Luna,
Seems like a polite way to start a letter though we’re just talking, I haven’t forgotten NO FEAR, you know “Indiana Gone” said the same thing about speaking to her once, however, I usually say whatever I want to her. Now there are times I’m just being lazy, maybe I’m pissed, for the past few days it’s been wondering why even waste the air on some but today the lesson is, this grunting I do.

You know, usually when I’m about to snap at people at work one of my main arguments is, when my dog barks he’s usually trying to accomplish something, most people are just adding to the depleting ozone layer. Maybe in a way, I’m just trying to do my part for the environment, surely just by practicing my native tongue as it were… silence. Don’t get me wrong, as I have said, everything has its place, and Luna I know I want to bring the ruckus but I just can’t.

“From now on you’ll have no identifying marks of any kind. You’ll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You’re a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don’t exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue.” Zed, Men in Black (1997)

I think I would fit in quite nicely don’t you think; maybe I’m hoping everyone will forget, I’m always trying and then on the other side of the coin, I remind “Okay” that “The Day” is coming soon, now what did I say once about having ulterior motives? Stop wasting your breath as “The Guilty Remnant” writes because talk is cheap and this is a time of action but wouldn’t me talking be a form of action in a way?

Which brings me back to today, and tomorrow, and the day after because the world is still not ending and as much as I hate to admit it I have to live in this one my lady. Now if I can find the strength to move my legs, to do what must be done at work, hell to even speak to Braxton, why can’t I trigger those same muscles to talk to an actual person.

You know they say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile… no wonder Caesar and the apes, kick our asses but we all can’t go on a rampage whenever we feel the need… I thought this was America? Maybe if I had parents that told me to kick ass or use my words but my parents told me everything I said was stupid and that I was nothing and so here we are.

It’s as if I devolved and please don’t bring up that stupid gun from the “Super Mario Bros.”, now we’re all devolving, I know a writer who wrote a great series about it but at the end of the day, the everyday person with their phone can still speak. When it comes to me though, I’m better off learning sign language, at least it would require me to put my phone down and possibly lift my head up. Maybe I started off too quickly, trying to move into the talking phase and I just need to focus on keeping my head up and looking people in the eye, for starters.

“I’m so sick and tired of my chin being up.” – Winifred “Fred” Burkle, Angel

Am I in pain all the time, life hurts like a bitch and speaking of “Ms. Seasons” anyway I can barely shuffle my feet and it’s like the slightest sound I make could just end everyone else’s universe instead of my own. I laugh, I snicker, and hmm, I want to go ahead and add ‘sup’ to the menu, which has become my normal greeting for everyone, I make sounds not words my dear Luna. Maybe when I went all homicidal on my imaginary friends there was no one left to really speak to… but what are you my dear Luna, writing is less crazy.

“I thought what I’d do was, I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn’t have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they’d have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They’d get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I’d be through with having conversations for the rest of my life. Everybody’d think I was just a poor deaf-mute bastard and they’d leave me alone . . . I’d cook all my own food, and later on, if I wanted to get married or something, I’d meet this beautiful girl that was also a deaf-mute and we’d get married. She’d come and live in my cabin with me, and if she wanted to say anything to me, she’d have to write it on a piece of paper, like everybody else” – The Catcher in the Rye

That’s not going to happen is it, Luna, it’s not the world I live in I’m afraid to say and what do we say now, no fear, I have to live in this world and this world requires speech. It must be easier for singers and spoken word artists and I haven’t given up on the notion that one day I might join their ranks.

“Haven’t you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? Stop thinking all the time that you’re in the way, that you’re bothering the person next to you. If people don’t like it, they can complain. And if they don’t have the courage to complain, that’s their problem” Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

This is part of what today was about Luna, a test if you will, how would people respond, they would talk and I suppose I committed myself to speak, if not beginning the conversation then I could at least end them. More reasons I’m quiet, I can’t do the every day with fear, but then sex and violence to boot.

I told you I think about how my grand mommy made me watch an Oprah special about children being kidnapped which terrified me to the point of wearing a whistle around my neck or on my wrist for weeks because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to scream. A reason why horror doesn’t bother me and as far as sex goes, hell I can be a dirty talker but as long as the girl is moaning and screaming, I’ll consider it a job well done. Violence is a bit of the same, between bullets, bombs, and babes screaming, noise doesn’t bother me at all.

So at work today I was listening to my hardcore gangsta playlist, been getting into as of late thanks to “Saints Row” again, anyone I wanted to see if anyone would comment and if they did, I would have to respond. How about the woman at Walmart who tried to short me four bucks and anxiety be damned I made sure to get my money, I’ll consider that a win I think. Other than that it was a typical day, can’t say I’m super proud of myself but it was a step in the right direction and led me to my first real goal honestly.

No more grunting Lady Lu, no more silence, if somebody talks to me I will respond, I mean am I really afraid of what I will say when I get started if I could be as open as iPhone music. So that’s what I learned today, that’s what I know honestly has to change, to use my words, no fear, Noncommittal Grunts & Other Noises.

Tell me, Mr. Anderson… what good is a phone call… if you’re unable to speak? Agent Smith, The Matrix (1999)

I Will Have No Fear