Tag: Truth

Saga 108 ~Remember, Be The 10th Man~

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I’m not a man of faith or a GOP politician. History doesn’t lie if you want it. Yet, for my failures, B refused to go along with everyone and believed I would make a change. And Virgil nearing two is too young. But I “Remember, Be The 10th Man.”

Monday, October 17, 2022

Saga 108 ~Remember, Be The 10th Man~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, and though that’s a small group, it’s still a group where anything is possible, but Madam… (sigh).

Well, every Sunday, as a matter of fact, this is Sunday, October 9, 2022, time travel. But, Madam, I write down six things I want to accomplish. Six Impossible Things, right? How many times have I completed the list? B would be ashamed of me. Or B III should be. Hell! My son was/is The 10th Man. He believed in me when no one else ever did. And in a way, he has you and the other girls beat. Don’t forget the Man in the Mirror. Only we’ll get to him. You love me despite all my failures. Now so does Braxton, but his faith. Braxton believed and did everything he could to help. He was an old man. Virgil will be two on Thursday.

It hasn’t been three months yet. I’ve been talking about having no idea what Virgil Vivi wants from me all day. It ain’t riding in the car to get tacos. Sorry, Virgil. Today I’m not… That’s the thing, Madam “I’m Not.” People have given up on me. It’s not like many believed in the first place. Only I’m thirty-eight, sitting here worried about medications. I might as well be in a “home.” My GOP Tendencies say I’m another worthless black. Um, I was going to use another word, but I bet I’d get hit for it. These words, these words. I’m a writer. I’m somebody. But every day, if I’m not crying over Braxton, I’m watching the success of others. In the end, I’m going to die alone. If so…

Well, why not die believing as no one else does, regardless? I mean, who’s left to care if I believe I can write books, own a brothel, and have some good girl to make babies? Family. With that, I want to believe that V is my Braxton… cut to him falling off the porch today. I’m not reading about reincarnation, which I’ve said all day, but Virgil, I don’t know yet. Madam, I believe I disagree with the Man in the Mirror. Be as your father? No, I would instead be like my son. He wasn’t the first to believe, but he was the only one not to give up if “He Lives In You.” Remember, Be The 10th Man.

624 Days Without B III, Day 065 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 106 ~Life B Cruel Virgil~

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Life IS cruel because I ain’t Elvis… Hell! I would settle for being an “influencer.” But that’s pretty hard to do when breathing, making the bed, and looking after the other boy is all I manage. How about touching a girl’s hand? “Life B Cruel Virgil”

Saturday, October 15, 2022

Saga 106 ~Life B Cruel Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m a bad man. I want to be in a bedroom type of way.

I miss Dirty Diana. And I wish I could talk to Inspector Echo today. Hell! I can if it wasn’t for having to pick up food today. I have half a can of soup and some pizza rolls for real. A man provides Lady Lunalesca. Why? It ain’t like Braxton is here no more. And the way Virgil scared me last night. Something got caught in his teeth… And what did I do? I didn’t know what to do. But here’s my confession (sigh). If Virgil Vivi choked or something. It wouldn’t have been a feeling of love but more the idea of responsibility, Lunalesca. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him to die, and there would have been guilt, but… He’s not Braxton.

Is the jury still out on his “reincarnation?” Would B III want to go this route? Life is cruel, Lunalesca. The last thing he would want is to listen to me. Being a fucking monster. Yesterday is the perfect example and what I have been thinking about all night, Lunalesca. So I was at the Day Job the other day, and this coworker asked for a shoe cart. I find one for her and begin to maneuver it out the door. We both reach for it, and my hand covers hers. That’s it and nothing more. A second of touching the girl’s hand and I have made myself the worst person in the world, a beast. Well, I killed my boy, and as far as Virgil… Does he even care?

The song says, “It’s not easy to be me.” How some say, a breath is the easiest thing, Lu. To quote a song, “Living is easy with eyes closed. Misunderstanding all you see.” Dreams. Last night was the first in a couple that I didn’t have any. Um, a door creaking but by now. Hell! If I die, I die. I can’t tell if the medication is working, but you know how I am. Lunalesca, all I can do is exist as routinely as possible to avoid losing my mind to the cruelty. Breathing, I think, is one of the hardest things in the world to do. Breathing again? With what I’ve been doing? And making sure Virgil keeps going on. Life B Cruel Virgil.

622 Days Without B III, Day 063 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 105 ~Virgil Speaks, B’s Words~

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I never read anything of B III’s puppyhood, so his birthday is February 13, 2005. But I’m most sure of the day, the hour, the moment he left me. I got V’s papers. What about my own? No wonder my eyes hurt. And my ears? “Virgil Speaks, B’s Words”

Friday, October 14, 2022

Saga 105 ~Virgil Speaks, B’s Words~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I have the time to train Virgil with those buttons that say words, right?

More like I’m showing how lazy I am because I don’t need a billion to do that. Now bringing Braxton back from a pile of ashes… That’s dark. But I’m not reading about reincarnation anymore. Then again, I don’t know. Time-Travel, Sunday, October 9, 2022. Which, of course, is why we’re talking today. This week sucks something awful. No, I don’t mean me. Sorry, sex talk, and I am trying to curb back. How I punish myself. How I wish. Why not with reading? Every time I finish a book, unlike these conversations, I have to see what I’ve done. All the books I’ve read, and I’m shooting for 52 in a year. Of 41, only 5 haven’t related to dogs in some way Sophia.

I’m sure we’ve had this conversation before. Or was it with the other girls around here (sigh), “It Doesn’t Matter?” I don’t deserve any respite. “The Cabin at the End of the World” was the only one I CHOSE to read. As I told Braxton’s Aunt. I’m always for an apocalypse. Again that happened on Sunday, January 31, 2021. I sit on the loveseat. Not as often as I like, but I do. Only reading there… Hell! I might have had the energy before Tuesday, January 11, 2022. I know I keep focusing on those dates. The GOP be damned. Sophia, I don’t run from history. But that history is resulting in some big bills. As you can see, I didn’t visit the doctor today.

What about Virgil? I could take him to the doctor, and the groomers on his birthday and finally, say I’m trying to do right by him. Yeah, tell that to Braxton after 15 years. Starting with a schedule from the Day Job (shudders). I had no idea that would be B III’s last day. Why not read a receipt if I decide to pick up food now or the Friday you read this, Sophia? In the end, many years from now. Oh, it makes me sad or exhausted; I’m not sure anymore which is worse. I’ll read some paperwork about Virgil. By then, I’ll have B’s name on my flesh. I know Virgil. Braxton, he’s not will repeat my firstborn’s words. Virgil Speaks, B’s Words

621 Days Without B III, Day 062 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 103 ~Minding B’s And V’s~

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The last two months, but um, these last two days have all been about minding my p’s and q’s. The doctor that didn’t give a damn Tuesday. Trying to keep the Day Job. Cheating medical payments. But when it comes to the boys B and V? Minding B’s And V’s

Wednesday, October 12, 2022

Saga 103 ~Minding B’s And V’s~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so why bother minding my p’s and q’s? Hell, I ignored ten months of health, right?

It shows how much I love Braxton. I only ignored his life for about four days. Well, it was longer than that. But the moment I got a chance to breathe from my effing Day Job, I was all about Triple B. Yet it was too long a wait. Despite what the books say, I’m guilty. Inspector, I’m still making those excuses when it comes to Virgil. While I was out the other day… (sigh). We’ll get to that. At Petsmart, they continue to have the doggie NOTICES in the window. I spent most of last night comforting Two V from having a hacking fit again. He hasn’t in the past couple of days. Yes, I’ve been going to the doctor and pharmacy a bit.

Echo, a reason I’m not minding my p’s and q’s now. Let’s say I need to find a new Doc. Well, I won’t be, come later on today. It’s why today I’m up early. And the Day Job is no bother. Hell! It could be the drugs they gave me… ok, that’s bullshit. No insurance and over a hundred bucks. I was up at one in the morning dreaming the loopiest shit I know. It’s only been one day but is it helping? I’ve wasted a lot of money in this existence, Inspector. I’m starting to think I should accept this as my punishment. If so, well done. But with my Republican tendencies. I will fight about the money. “Real American,” aren’t I? Doubtful GOP

How about being an African/Black American? While I lay in bed after having such an effed-up dream. Starring Ice Cube, Tommy Lee Jones, Radha Mitchell, and Nickelodeon. There were also those two girls from that new movie “M3GAN,” the list goes on. So I thought about how that doctor blew me off yesterday and cheated me. Inspector, there was a good doctor there, to be honest. Remember B III’s favorite, ha-ha. Anyway, I was thinking of how black people are sometimes treated by some in medicine. And now I have to fight the docs over money they already took from me. On top of worrying about this medication. If I’m not watching Triple X porn of 2X/2B. Remember “NIER: FIRST ASSEMBLY?” Minding B’s And V’s.

619 Days Without B III, Day 060 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 101 ~To Find, Learn To Hide~

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I call myself an open book, but I rarely find someone like Braxton, his aunt, etc. And still, I had to hide. I hate the mirror. Or turning a corner in my mind and finding… the illogical, illegal, impossible, and insane. “To Find, Learn To Hide.”

Monday, October 10, 2022

Saga 101 ~To Find, Learn To Hide~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-First Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. And while I’d hide my cash in some underground vault, I’d flaunt it everywhere… Hoodies and jeans.

Hell! I’m like Linus van Pelt from Peanuts. He has his blanket, and I have a hoody, well, several, Madam. I know you’re not Inspector E, so this is no confession. It’s a simple fact. Something else I don’t hide and need not find, like the death of my boy. No, even if it cost me “friends.” I’ll continue to bring up Braxton. I’ve never been one to hide grief. But I do wonder how other people do it. Drugs? By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be off meds. So once again, I’m Time Travelling. Um, it’s Wednesday, October 5, 2022. And being sick? Am I still hiding from it? Have I been cured? And the day in general?

I’m always hiding from the horrors of the day in question. I don’t ever want to find myself back here ever again. Like the song goes, “I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day.” I’ve hidden the last good day I ever had so far down I’ll never find it. An impossible thing. Yes, you’re not the Man in the Mirror. Am I hiding from you today? I do apologize for that. I don’t know if you’re helping me or not. I tend to hide from positivity… “Unforgettable, that’s what you are?” Like all my other dreams of writing and of success. I read and listen to many books, yet I can’t find knowledge to save me. I’m buried in STUPID, to be honest. Such is my rage.

I told Inspector Echo today that I tried to put myself in the ground on occasion. The best way to hide from the world is to become part of it. This mind I have won’t let me. And the Sunday before last, this body demanded I do something. I couldn’t hide from the pain anymore. But I don’t want to be found, Madam. If anything, I want to find Braxton. Reincarnation yet again? Where is Virgil? I’m hiding from him, or he’s hiding from me? I’m not sure, Madam. I want to hide from everything. And the things I’m finding… nothing good, Madam. A Republican tendency, hide the good and the bad and get ugly. Sick of hide and seek? To Find, Learn To Hide

617 Days Without B III, Day 058 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 099 ~To B Invited Virgil~

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When was the last time I was invited anywhere? 2019 and that was to B’s Aunt’s wedding. How much did I spend to go? I trust the science, but how do I feel after a week of meds? I invited V to stay. I thought he was someone else… “To B Invited Virgil”

Saturday, October 8, 2022

Saga 099 ~To B Invited Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m living the dream. Is it sad to believe that money is life, Lunalesca?

I’m still waiting for the money I spent to start existing again somehow. I’m beginning to think that $17.09 wasn’t the right price. And should I go and fetch Braxton’s paperwork? Oh, right, that wasn’t to save him at all. I’m not crying, Lunalesca. If anything, I want to sleep. What about the price for Virgil? I’m pretty sure I’m not saving him, either. Then again, if something happens to me… That’s a plus for him being like B III. Having the idea, I want to go all John Dorie (FTWD 6×8 The Door), and I don’t… Ok, so I’m fighting to live, and again how is that going so far? I invited Virgil into this house, and for what, I ask? To not die.

To not die. That’s why there’s an infection in my body because I was doing something to make me feel alive. I wanted to know I existed. And Lunalesca, not a day passes I want to. Hell! The highlight of my day Is when I get to take another pill, and then I hope. Every stomach ache I get. When I feel a twinge of pain. You know, healing, curing, surviving. That’s the worst thing of all, Lunalesca. These insane thoughts say that one day, everything will be normal again. Like before Tuesday, January 11, 2022. Well, fuck me, Lady Luna. First, you wouldn’t ever. Second, pardon my language. And third, Lu, most importantly, what about Sunday, January 31, 2021? Braxton was invited to wherever.

The only place I’m invited to is the Day Job. Only they don’t want me there either. The American Way. My Republican tendencies. I should teach a History class as they do. Forced migration? I should feel ashamed, but that’s what birth was like. Emergence, Existence? Before I forget, Virgil’s birthday is coming up. Seeing the Day Job schedule, though? What will I do for Virgil Vivi? It’s clear. He doesn’t feel welcome in this house. In truth, that makes two of us. Again if Virgil weren’t here, I would’ve found the courage to leave. Lunalesca, why do I stay? Why do I try? Braxton hasn’t invited me yet to follow him wherever he is now. He’s not Virgil? Mad hope. To B Invited Virgil

615 Days Without B III, Day 056 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 098 ~Virgil’s Story, Yet B’s…~

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55 days and how has Virgil’s life been so far. What, he’s hacked up… oh nothing. It nearly scared me to death. When I discovered it was part of B’s heart problems. I’d gladly taken it myself. Beats feeling like this always. “Virgil’s Story, Yet B’s…”

Friday, October 7, 2022

Saga 098 ~Virgil’s Story, Yet B’s…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I should have all the time in the world to read, learn, and cry.

Would Braxton’s story make me cry? To be honest, I don’t know, considering I haven’t looked at the two that I’ve written in how long? I’m trying to find the time. But don’t get your hopes up that this is the second time we’re talking today. Whatever do I want? Sophia, it could be to visit the doctor. Is the pain getting worse, Sophia? Do you remember when I told you or one of the others that I’ll choose physical anguish over a mind fuck? Pardon my language. If anything, if you are reading this, as Pearl Jam puts it, “I’m still alive.” But I wish I wasn’t. Will I be getting over this “feeling” anytime soon? My B III. NO, NEVER, AS IF. Virgil?

Loneliness? I can’t say I look at him the way I look at Triple B. Or Triple X, for that matter, Sophia. It’s been a long day? And without any fur baby to stop me. Hell! B III could see. Besides the loneliness, I’ve been talking a lot about Braxton’s lack of reincarnation… to be. Is that why Virgil has been in Braxton’s room all day. Well, except for a few bathroom breaks. What I wouldn’t give for V to be in one of many rooms making a mess, Sophia. What is he a Disney princess asking “When Will My Life Begin?” He barely makes a sound unless it’s hacking up a lung. And seeing as how I’m down here and he’s up there? Braxton?

Is he in Heaven, at the Rainbow Bridge, in a box? I’ve been saying it… the last couple of books have been people in boxes. This whole house is one giant coffin, I think, sometimes. And I’m trying not to make a sound. I’m going on how many times listening to the Succubus Lord series. No grunting over some girl. How many days has it been now since I failed this week? Friday, September 30, 2022. And no griping about work to Virgil. But I’m sure I’ll keep sharing fries if there is any money to spare. Ha-ha. I need a new book after The Cabin at the End of the World. Only I’ll end up texting about Virgil Vivi. What? Virgil’s Story, Yet B’s…

614 Days Without B III, Day 055 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 096 ~B My Medication V~

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Love didn’t save my boy. And his kidneys did him in for all the heart meds he took. Well, more like the point of a needle. Every time some doc sticks me with a needle, there’s that hope. Bacterial infection, nothing more. B My Medication V.

Wednesday, October 5, 2022

Saga 096 ~B My Medication V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, meaning I didn’t become a doctor. I despise most people, you know. Par for the course.

But how about a course of medical treatment? Oh, and not for my mental state. I cried this morning once again. All about my doggy, but there was also my depression and disgust, oh I know. It’s part of the reason we’re speaking so late at 5:55 AM. Am I not feeling good body-wise? I’m not sure yet but let’s start at the beginning. Which was last Sunday. Inevitable. Inspector, I went to see the doctor. And surprise, surprise, they found a bacterial infection. I don’t fear the point of the needle. As fucked up as it seems, pardon my French. It’s when I feel the closest to Braxton. I’m not one for self-harm… several “attempts” in my younger years which is another thing, Inspector.

I’m getting old. My hand to God, I never wanted to see thirty-eight. Hell! If I had a choice in the matter… I sound like one of those people from “The Cabin at the End of the World.” And how did that turn out? According to the doc, I’m an ordinary old man, Echo. After a bit of blood and peeing into a cup… TMI? They found I had something to fix for $17.00. Oh, and the $175.00 for going in the first place. Now I’m on the bottle and taking drugs… medication, ha. Again I feel close to my boy. I set alarms and down pills twice a day. Before I forget, my ears got cleaned. Or should I say “bukkaked?” People do suck.

But I am listening to the doctor and taking my pills, and then what? Will I listen to Virgil Vivi? I couldn’t save him from the heat when there was no AC, and now Inspector? Honestly, I don’t know if anything is wrong with him. And this week, Inspector Echo? Fucking same excuse when Braxton was dying? I don’t even remember what was so humiliating when he was trying to tell me something was wrong. I can say to you yesterday was the most fucked up day I’ve had in Inspector. Humiliations Galore! It Doesn’t Matter! My love didn’t save my son. And it’s not love when it comes to Virgil. At least not yet. For the Love of Money (sigh). B My Medication V

612 Days Without B III, Day 053 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 094 ~Evil Prevails Despite Good People~

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I can’t say I see good people daily. I know I’m no damn good despite those 2 “things” at Petsmart. Adopting Virgil and running out to a lady that forgot a bag. No earthly good at all. With what I see. Evil Prevails Despite Good People.

Monday, October 3, 2022

Saga 094 ~Evil Prevails Despite Good People~

Two-Hundred and Sixtieth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m not a good person. Well, at least all the billionaires I know are evil.

Which isn’t to say the poor can’t be evil. I’d still be me even if I didn’t have a dime to my name. Yes, I’m saying I’m broke and evil. As far as being a better person. I miss Braxton. Here come the tears today, Tuesday, September 27, 2022. “Make Me Wanna Die,” or instead cry, as I doubt I didn’t wake up in Hell. Well, a part of it anyway. Then there’s V. Madam; I want to do right by him, I swear. Yet I’ve said why he got his name, Virgil. He’s a good boy, a good man considering he’s going on two in October. Did I mention how much I hate paperwork? It told me his age and everything. Braxton being reincarnated…

Anyway, his name yet again. Virgil for the man who led Dante through the Inferno. Vivi, for the black mage child who stood against evil in Final Fantasy IX. Pornography? Madam, that’s how easy it is. I think Final Fantasy and then, well… If I had a dollar for every piece of Final Fantasy XXX I own. Oh, and it gets worse if we talk about other games. In case you’re wondering why I’m so late finishing this conversation today. Two words Madam, NERDY GIRLS. Wondering what I’ll tell the PERV in the Mirror Sunday. I hope it’s not that I wasted more money. No matter where the cash goes at the end of the day, I’m afraid that the evil I am will remain.

For good people like Braxton’s Aunt and M Anime, I can’t fault Cherry for not wanting to bring more children into this world. Then I turn back to Little Virgil on his pillow. Well, one of Braxton’s anyway. I know good people but dogs are the best for sure. Hell! This entire existence is based on the idea if I ever had enough money, power, and women, I could be a good man. How many times have I said fatherhood is the epitome of manhood? But again, I know fathers, and I know billionaires. It doesn’t make you good. FEAR Madam. The truth, like Braxton, the thought of living without it… Just be less evil… I can try because, Madam. Evil Prevails Despite Good People

610 Days Without B III, Day 051 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 092 ~Mr. Braxton, Virgil, Lonely~

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No attempt to monologue. I could write something else after the writing I did for the horrible week ahead. Not like B III is here. V’s in B’s room. And while you can be scared when you’re sleeping, I’m not “lonely.” Then “Mr. Braxton, Virgil, Lonely”

Saturday, October 1, 2022

Saga 092 ~Mr. Braxton, Virgil, Lonely~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or I believe I would be if I woke up on time. Even my bladder waited.

TMI? Or would you rather hear me cry about Braxton some more? I even had my morning tear fest, but I couldn’t tell you about what. That’s how zoned out I’ve been; you know Lu. To think I was burning; what was it a couple of weeks ago? And now I’m freezing and not in a “this is the police” sort of way. And I’m not touching the thermostat, Lunalesca. Honestly, I’m not touching anything nowadays. It’s all like ice and glass, so you know. And, “Ah shit, here we go again.” I tell you, it’s like “Inception”… sexual thoughts. Then I’m all about the nerdy girls again. Perhaps, I should see a professional… whatever. Lunalesca, we’re supposed to be talking about my son, sigh.

But what about the other little doggie sleeping in his own room? Hell! It was a Saturday like this. What 49 days ago? I was about to say; I’m fucking up as a… what? I’m not his father or friend, and I don’t want to be his foe. I don’t know who I am, Lunalesca, right? I’ve been saying it for days. That my faith in Virgil being the reincarnation of my “Lost Boy” is dwindling. They say it can take up to 3 months or more… I was nowhere near my best when I first met Braxton. I even look at V’s name now. He was dead, leading Dante. And the only reason I’m not dead now is that Virgil needs things. Takes money

Which is one more reason I’m late talking to you. Besides the porno break, I did check my bank account. How pathetic is it that I debated getting a chicken bucket all last night? Not even for a family. Lady Lunalesca, I could drive down the street and get it myself, but, oh no. I ate a plate of pizza rolls and a bunch of peanuts. So what about going out today? It’s strange not heading out to Petsmart every Saturday looking for B III. And now? Sooner or later, I will have to make that walk for Virgil and me. That aisle, groomers, Banfield. Well, I worked so hard yesterday to buy time today. Finished what I was reading for Mr. Braxton, Virgil, Lonely.

608 Days Without B III, Day 049 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will