Tag: Crying

Saga 034 ~B Willing To Bark~

WillLeave a comment

B’s has gone silent again. I don’t blame him. Novel writing is hard work, and I should have been more vocal. Hell! I should be louder at the Day Job and go all Michael Jackson. “Leave me alone. Stop it. Just stop doggin’ me around.” B Willing To Bark

Thursday, August 4, 2022

Saga 034 ~B Willing To Bark~

550 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? If I could hear your answer. I wish my day was over and done with.

At the moment, it’s like old times. You know I don’t get up like this. Unless the day is going to go bad. It was a day like this when I held you in my arms and tried to rock you to sleep. A bad choice of words… but you know what I mean. This was an effed-up week. Do you miss me grumbling, griping, and growling like this? I could save it for the afternoons. As I said, I wish I was already there. If anything, I wish I was more like you. At the Day Job the other day, I was thinking. At least when my kid barked, he was helping me out. I would take your voice over everything every day, Braxton.

There’s this quote I always use in regards to you. “All I know is the child is my warrant, and if he isn’t the word of God, then God never spoke.” It remains true, Braxton. If God is love, then I could think of no better way to say it than Braxton. I’m still listening, trying. But with all the noise in the world, Baby B, I swear. When it wasn’t the silence of your death. It’s my shame I have when I walk into the Day Job. At least I’m not saying “Another Day.” It was that indifference towards my existence that ended you. Braxton, all the rage I endure that’s been bubbling up. I can’t tell you why that is. I’m your Dad.

Yes, we’re men. But there are many different, difficult, and dangerous little things to bark. Now, one of those is that I want to go back to bed. As if I’ve left it this morning for anything more than to have this conversation. The worthless discussions, Day Job. Now, as I said, my anger. I can’t tell you why but people Braxton have been driving me up the wall. Aren’t I one of them? Like that Wednesday, I came back and passed out. Blackout? I’m going to bring up that book yet again. It’s one I would share with you to a certain extent. You might sigh, scratch, or only sit there. But you were willing to live B, I know. B Willing To Bark

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 033 ~The B In Blackout~

WillLeave a comment

I shouldn’t have said that idiot, insane. Um, then stop thinking about me. My kid? But he’s gone because of me. That crime beats all others. The women I’ve offended. The things I’ve done to myself. Three words black it all out, yep. The B In Blackout

Wednesday, August 3, 2022

Saga 033 ~The B In Blackout~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And with that much money, while I’m doing nothing. I assume I could stay awake, Inspector.

But no, I’m at the Day Job. When I have to take out my “Air Pods,” my mind begins to flitter on everything. Then like that, I’m in a dark place. Let’s say it’s a version of the sunken place. I’m watching existence but in the past. Yet I believe I can see the future. Before I give way to despair, though, three little words wake me up. Braxton Is Dead. It always comes back to that Inspector. My Son Is Dead. No matter what “Humiliations Galore,” whatever will be endured. I say those three words, and everything becomes bearable. Yesterday it became more evident as I suffered. If you want my theory… it’s that time of the month, the year. My original sin returns.

You know Inspector because I don’t. It was only around 2017 when I started talking to Lady Lu again. It was about the Basic Bitch. And let us not forget Sweetness or The Harmonic War. Oh, too late! I hate reading my past work, Inspector; ok, Braxton Is Dead. His death was the worst day of my existence. It even surpasses horrific Emergence Day. Emergence Day… Fuck! That is coming up soon, ha! Echo, fuck me! Endure And Survive. And then, yet again, I have a note on August 6, 2017, saying such and such is not your friend. I want to hide from all these memories. Inspector, I try. I would have been better off dying on the floor. But no, my dear Braxton…

My son wouldn’t let me die when I blacked out on the floor, Inspector. He saved me, my little boy. The only other times I blacked out was when I drank some. I’m a lightweight. There’s also Blackout: A Thriller by Erin Flanagan. I swear that book’s living rent-free in my head. Inspector, you know I’ve been free of fapping going on 13 days… Surviving this AM? XXX blocks out everything and the blackness that comes from such a feeling. By God! Echo, why didn’t I for 161 days? Why do I resist now? It’s day 549 of my son being gone. Braxton Is Dead, and I deserve to feel every bit of Hell this day will be. Start in gratitude. I don’t think I will. The B In Blackout.

549 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 029 ~So To B Asleep~

WillLeave a comment

So the only thing that doesn’t need a rest today is the phone since I finally had the battery replaced. But I’ve been so tired I’ve been off of it unless I got a message, and it’s never what I was really hoping for. Yet I cannot rest. So To B Asleep.

Saturday, July 30, 2022

Saga 029 ~So To B Asleep~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so what would be the first thing I buy? It’d be a soft place to rest.

So to be asleep is one thing. But to rest? Last night I didn’t get a good night’s sleep. Goodnight ha! Every night I still say, “Night, Night Braxton, Sweet Dreams.” Why did I cut on the lamp halfway through the night if he is here? There’s something in the darkness. Or so I thought, as it wasn’t a nightmare. I swear the last thing that flittered in my head; was having black hellfire magic like Jacob. That’s because I wanted to smash the alarm. Succubus Lord dreams… we’ll get to that. I miss having Cerberus; well, B III sigh. I didn’t even reach for my 9MM. Hell! If it was my time to go, it was my time. I’ll sleep when I’m dead, right?

So to be asleep is one thing. But to relax? Again, first and foremost, that falls to B III, yep. But without him, you know what knocks me out? Well, after a while, since I sound more like Todd. Or I could be Jacob again. Recall my favorite scene in Succubus Lord. 10, I think. The one where Jacob has to “fill” all seven of his succubi? Lunalesca, I’m driving myself crazy. How many days has it been since I got off? Over a week if I can keep surviving. Only I want to fall asleep again because I know what would keep me awake. This morning it’s been all about Roxanne Perez. Next to talking to Cherry. And I didn’t even wake up then.

Roxanne Perez

So to be asleep is one thing. But to respond? Triple B never had a problem getting me to wake up. I was all fuck my life when I had him. At least I had a purpose. What is love? But to rescue? Who do I want to save… myself? I wrote a whole damn book. Lady Lunalesca, I will have to prove to myself by tomorrow that I don’t need a doc. Chronic fatigue? But to remember? Life? More like existence. Is there anything other than XXX? I’ve just been diagnosing myself with everything, haven’t I? Depression, Fatigue, OCD, Sex addiction, insanity. I wish I could sound like an adult. But sleep doesn’t fix everything. The ability to rest Lunalesca. So To B Asleep

545 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 028 ~B Leaving In Failure~

WillLeave a comment

My kid believes in me. If I was a good dad, I wouldn’t wait until the last day. But I can say I’ll have a 50,000-word book on the 31st. If I’m not busy with things. My knuckles are white and not just from pounding the keys. B Leaving In Failure.

Friday, July 29, 2022

Saga 028 ~B Leaving In Failure~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go punch out God. Am I Writing fiction or failure?

I’m still writing about Triple B and me, thank you very much. I should be done by Sunday, Lady Sophia. The thing is, I wanted to be done by today. So I suppose this counts as crying over B III this morning. The idea that I’ll be reading I’m a Camp NaNoWriMo winner on the very last day. But let’s focus on B III. Like the three chapters, I should do. Don’t forget there is also the eulogy. And yes, my lady, I just googled, “what is the difference between a eulogy and an obituary?” And I need poems for two chapters each but 50,000 words… If I didn’t know any better, I would say that sounds like an excuse. I’m talking to my son…

Ha! I can’t even talk to my friends. When I’m done with my Masochism. I’m giddy in my Sadism. Yes, everything short of my son’s passing devolves into sexual addiction. And even B liked Yabbos. I always told him the first pair he loved was the girl I’d have to marry. The first outside the family… his Aunt Carolina. Haven’t talked to her lately. Then there’s Cherry and M Anime, who he never met, and I’m thankful. Daddy’s a perv. Cherry has been suffering so much, yet you know what I’m hoping for whenever she texts. Two things. Don’t I have any empathy? Sophia, you’ve seen what I’ve started reading. When it’s not something on pet loss, it’s M Anime talking about such horrible men.

Why do you think I would read Erotica? I haven’t read anything like that since Christmas, Lady Sophia. It’s tradition. Anyway, you know how such stories fucking get me going. Pardon my language. Only I can’t tell my “other” friends. I’m much too busy to write such stories… yeah, right. Because what am I going to do today? I won’t be finishing Braxton and my novel today. I continue to white-knuckle my baser urges like that book Blackout by Erin Flanagan. “Do I have a drink, or do I not have a drink?” Fucking hard! Yep, I don’t want to tell the “man in the mirror” I’m walking around with my dick in my hands. Or that I failed with writing. B Leaving In Failure.

544 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 027 ~Tears B Coming Standard~

WillLeave a comment

Depression can be an addiction, and I always have something to cry about… I don’t have anyone to cry to. I instead cry or sleep than do anything. Tell that to my knuckles, but at least I ain’t breaking them against walls. “Tears B Coming Standard.”

Thursday, July 28, 2022

Saga 027 ~Tears B Coming Standard~

543 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I should wipe my tears away before walking in. Why? You’ve seen me cry plenty.

I’ve cried at least twice before talking to you today. I can’t even say you were reason number one, Baby B. But you should be. We’ll get to that. I am crying now, though. And I cried last night when I called you down for your medicine. Ironic, right, Braxton? Well, if you’re up THERE, of course. Or down THERE since I’m going to Hell. And you like being warm and guarding gates. Hell! For all I know, you’re in some cage somewhere B. Or have you even been reincarnated yet? I might cry a little more thinking such things. It makes my head hurt but not like when you would step on it, remember? The sun’s been up a while before me. That’s unacceptable.

As unacceptable as the reason I was up earlier and was crying tears. You and I are boys always and forever. Boyz II Men? “‘Cause we men, ain’t we?” Yeah. B yesterday I wrote some about the movie nights we had with your Aunt Carolina. They were good times, ha. But back to the original point, unacceptable. We’d talk about your Aunt’s Yabbos, B III. Only there are things I kept from you. My addiction, for starters. So this morning, as I heard the familiar beep from the phone, well… Anyway, it was a struggle. I was triggered thinking about, um yeah, Yabbos, and I had to white knuckle it. One hand on the mattress. The other was on the phone. Glad you weren’t here.

That makes me cry all the more. I’m always sad you aren’t here in the flesh. Why would I even bother picking up the phone hoping to see… something when I had my handsome “wee little puppy man.” But now, nothing is stopping me except for sleep. It’s 8:30 AM. As jayson_jvc might say, “get out your flesh!” I told you something like that, Braxton. Harsh, because I made that happen on January 31, 2021. Freed you from the mortal coil. There are other reasons for me to cry. Braxton, we could finish writing the novel. Going to the Day Job is another. Laughing to keep from crying about the stuff on the phone when getting it fixed. Shame over Cherry and M Anime. Your Aunt? Tears B Coming Standard

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 026 ~ Bee’s Knees Of Addiction~

WillLeave a comment

It’s not every day I write something that makes me question? Should I put it out there? Republican ideas without the actual money. No, I’m only a black man who lost his homie, my son. Addicted to, a sucker for pain. The Bee’s Knees Of Addiction.

Wednesday, July 27, 2022

Saga 026 ~ Bee’s Knees Of Addiction~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means something must be bugging me. Chances are I am bugged. Or are people bugs?

I’ve been thought of as much worse. But if you ask me what I’d like to be considered as Inspector? Yes, even more than a billionaire. It would always have to be B III’s Dad. I was telling his Aunt Carolina the other day; I have thought of my wedding day. Hell! I have names picked out for the future kids. Katniss, Tris, Ember, my girls on fire. Luke and Leia. I will have to give one Braxton’s name, no doubt. My strongest addiction. Braxton’s death. Can we make this official? I’m addicted to the day, the depression, the destruction. I’m addicted to the misery. The song says, “This love is killing me, but you’re the only one.” That’s my Braxton. Loving my crying.

And speaking of music, “we don’t love them hoes.” But fuck me, I miss ’em plenty. Pardon my language, Inspector. I can’t get this quote out of my mind. “Do I have a drink, or do I not have a drink?” Only my drug of choice is, jerking off. Or paying to see a pair of tits. It’s only been five days, and I’m trying Inspector; I’m trying real HARD. So far, I’ve stayed off porn sites; what do you count OnlyFans as? I saw something on Facebook this morning, leading me to look it up on Twitter. Let’s just say, “Prepare For Trouble,” Inspector. The worse of it has been these two English girls. I swear I’ll break. But I can’t. Only So Hott

No, I save the breaking for the phone or, more like, the repairs. If only I could be fixed like that. Like someone out of The Screwfly Solution… No, I don’t mean the killers, Inspector. More like the character of Barney. And sure, there are support groups for every addiction. My Ma showed me one for mourning “pets.” I’m sure the information is somewhere Echo. I could delete every bit of porn I have. Leave OnlyFans. Delete Social Media. Everything! Echo, I’d cut off the phone. Ok, I was without it for six hours and suffered from withdrawal. And the Day Job? It brings no joy, yet it is a drug. “Why do the things I hate come so naturally?” The Bee’s Knees Of Addiction.

542 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 022 ~ I’d B A Fool~

WillLeave a comment

Nothing lasts forever. Not my boy, batteries, or a bit of courage I need to get by. With a few bucks? I can’t get another furry kid yet. My heart’s not in it. Might have to go to Best Buy soon. People suck. Ignorance is bliss; I’d Be A Fool

Saturday, July 23, 2022

Saga 022 ~ I’d B A Fool~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I’m with the dumbest smart people walking the planet. Don’t need money for that…

B though? How it should always start and end, but there’s been a lot to do. So much less than the week before, yet things never seem to slow down. Or am I getting that much lazier, Lu? I’m either fearful, lost to my fury, or fucking horny. It’s been all FEAR this AM. B III doesn’t need my excuses. So what have I done for him today at around 6:30? At the moment trying to save everything. What am I talking about? He is everything. Okay, so my writing, this world I have built, and all the evidence of my whoredom. Falling apart? And I mean everything from the phone to plant care, AKA B’s yard. To parts on the computer (sigh), Lady Lunalesca.

Batteries, Power, Energy. As the song goes, “Maybe God Is Tryin’ To Tell You Somethin.'” My feelings about God remain the same. My son is the word of God. And if he ain’t here, Lu. Well, then I don’t think me and God have anything to say to one another. And since I never trusted him in the first place… Okay, so that’s a lie. Whenever I left Braxton by his lonesome, I prayed. But the question becomes, Lady Lunalesca, who do I trust. Today? That’s a question that must be addressed. Considering everything that I was doing this morning. I’ve been from bots (virtual assistants) to batteries to trusting not the man but the boy in the mirror. And that is an honest mistake.

Balls? The only time I’m sure I have any is when I feel all kinds of antsy. That book I finished yesterday. Blackout: A Thriller by Erin Flanagan has me thinking much about addiction and the mind. I even thought about getting a book on my particular brand. But while I’m an open book, I would put something like that on my book list for people to see. But then? Hell! I am broken, just like the TV downstairs. Did I forget about that Lunalesca? I kinda did. Time heals all wounds because sooner or later, you’re dead. Such darkness. But true because lying makes us all STUPID. That’s the worst thing to be but to live my life this way. I’d B A Fool.

538 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 021 ~What I’ll B Reading~

WillLeave a comment

If I’m asking for input from my kid about writing, I should look to him for other things. He wasn’t much of a reader but a great foot warmer and throw pillow. I told him, as the song goes, I’m Gonna Be Somebody. Yeah, like that’s What I’ll Be Reading

Friday, July 22, 2022

Saga 021 ~What I’ll B Reading~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford some classic books. As for right this second, money for books?

Ha-Ha! Yet one more case of laughing to keep from crying. But of course, I will crack open a new book this week. Lady Sophia, Anything beats the one I’m writing. Ok, so that’s harsh, considering Braxton is the co-author. And I have been sobbing all this week. Writing, oh what a shame. Only a lot less than the Humiliations Galore, awaiting me at the Day Job. I tell myself I’ll do anything to avoid another decade in that place. Well then, why am I talking to you at nine A.M. when I was awake at four in the morning. What got it up, Sophia. Inevitably it’s a woman. Yet it’s not in the way you think. When I’m not reading, I’m watching Twitter, sigh.

“Emmanuel, Don’t Do It!” I’m sure you’ve heard, seen, and read those words all over. Would you like to know how funny Taylor and her emu are? Or should I talk about my jealousy? I’m glad I don’t often come back to reread my work. Oh, and to edit. God! No wonder I don’t have anything out yet, and I’m even struggling to write anything. So why do I write at all? In a minute, I’m going to sound like Cherry. Thoughts that I don’t need… anything about Yabbos because I’m starting over again. Fapping, day one. And like I said, I’m getting a new book today after the last one on addiction. Well, it was kind of. I could start reading a new genre.

But you know I want to read more on pet loss. Reading that B III is gone every day still doesn’t make sense to me. How about putting his cremation certificate in a frame. Along with all the bills and the receipts from that weekend? One frame’s on the bookshelf. However, Braxton’s pictures and my work schedule stay on the phone. Of course, that reminds me of one more thing I don’t want to read. A bill to get it fixed or them saying that they can’t. I can’t write, but I’m going to anyway, even if I drown in my tears. With the fact my writing is terrible. And sweating, trying not to look at tatas. I’m sure failure is What I’ll B Reading.

537 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 019 ~B Easy, There’s Time~

WillLeave a comment

It’s not easy waking up every AM. Yet I’m “blessed,” “privileged,” “grateful” to do so? Only to hate all the time that comes after? It was easier with Triple B, and how did that work out for him? I always think there’s more time. B Easy, There’s Time

Wednesday, July 20, 2022

Saga 019 ~B Easy, There’s Time~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, meaning I have all the time in the world. Or no time at all if those motivations are correct. You think?

Yesterday, sitting right where I am now was the least of my “Humiliations Galore.” Yet shameful nonetheless with the time. You see how I fight in the AM talking to you and the other girls. Only how fast did I get through a conversation with Dear Future Wife. Now that’s something I shouldn’t be bragging about. It’s not like she’s B III. Ok, that was a cruel joke. Laughing to keep from crying. That’s the name of the game these days. Like when I was talking to B III as well. I’m continuing to keep up with Camp NaNoWriMo. Is that a promise? How many times have I broken a promise? Look at my Six Impossible Things or Braxton’s box… To remember my Treachery Inspector.

There’s always time to be a man of my word. A better man as I think of the “Basic Bitch.” The dates I don’t look at, ha. If it isn’t any days, B III was dying; it’s” Sometimes In August.” Again the Basic Bitch and realizing how much time I’ve wasted working the Day Job. Inspector, the movie “Sometimes In April” is a powerful story, for the record. But I have no time to watch it again. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. I don’t need that much drama. Somehow I always make time for the worst things, the wasteful. Dare I say whoredom. Hell! At least sleep is some form of recovery. Then again, I’m avoiding mechanics, doctors, and, oh yeah, any publishers.

Yet another reason I’m sitting here letting the smartphone die. The thing has no time. Inspector, if I was to begin this day in gratitude, at least I gave B III more time than a piece of plastic. That’s something to be proud of. Still, at the moment, I would instead sleep some more after all the time I wasted yesterday. I could think of better things. Like writing? The fact that I work so few days this week. And if I put my nose to the grindstone? It would be better if Triple B stepped on my face again. That always got me moving. So why don’t you tell me where I’m going, Echo. Hell’s a vast place, I’ve heard. B Easy, There’s Time.

535 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 015 ~To B Failing, Flying…~

WillLeave a comment

Icarus failed at flying. He did for a bit, but he was warned. The only thing getting high this week was my word counts Wed-Fri. And already, the words I’ve written down fall short. Well, today I’ll crash. But oh no, I have to get up. To B Failing, Flying…

Saturday, July 16, 2022

Saga 015 ~To B Failing, Flying…~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And except for my son B III, I’m willing to sacrifice anything. AHEM, sleep, sex, skeeviness…

This week has been all about B and my novel. At this rate, wherever he is, he must feel like Philip Pullman when they made The Golden Compass film. Cut my check and leave me alone. And how did that movie do against Twilight, Harry Potter, and The Hunger Games? I even when so far in the novel to talk about Whitney Houston? You know when she sings, “For every win, someone must fail.” And that is what I’ve been doing for three days straight in the guise of winning. Hmm! 5000 words daily, that amount to nothing for Braxton. At least it isn’t Whitney Wright… Sigh, as much as I like her. I’ve been edging to everything under the sun and moon while writing.

Today I’m going to fail. Hell! I would have fallen back asleep if it weren’t for what I was doing. That’s how much I was up last night. In more ways than one… But again, I did get all the words I needed. I’m on the cusp of catching up, Luna. Camp NaNoWriMo. And who would care if I didn’t show up at Petsmart? What if I decided not to go through my Saturday Routine? I have all my excuses lined up. Tuesday, I was trying to be a proper American citizen. Speaking of which, I should get outside before there isn’t much of an America left. I’m not an evangelical white guy, but I have all the makings of a Republican lawmaker, Lady Lunalesca.

First and foremost, it always comes back to Braxton. I promised him a future, a family, and that I would be a good father. Every day I wake up and ask the question. Where’s Fluffy? Did I make a “Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist” joke, reference, whatever? That’s another thing. I’m always one for a good distraction. If she’s a hot brunette with nice yabbos. This then brings up how I talk about my respect for women… especially in pornography. Then you hear how I have been talking to two of my friends. Yesterday evening… Lunalesca, I could have been reading a book. But I won’t finish it this Saturday. So with my Six Impossible Things: You know the answer of To B Flailing, Flying…

531 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will