Tag: Back

Tale 066 ~I’ll B Home Virgil~

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I’m unsure of the day my Braxton entered the world, so I gave him one. But the day he left it… It was the worst day ever. Second is the day I came into the world. And being unfortunate enough to stay 39 years… I’ll B Home Virgil.

Tuesday, September 5, 2023

Tale 066 ~I’ll B Home Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but like when I was in the womb, I haven’t planned on leaving here anytime soon.

I’m glad it’s not E-Day yet. And the kids are at school. There’s also the fact that I’m time-traveling. It’s Sunday, September 3, 2023, at this particular moment. I’m thirty-eight. Today, that’s about 14,240 days. Looking at that makes me want to “Scream?” “Tonight I Wanna Cry.” Looking at the “Man In The Mirror,” I tell him that you “Make Me Wanna Die.” Am I making my playlist for E-Day, or what? Hell! I even yearn for B III’s passing. No! Not like that. I was a horrible “human being” when it came to the life of B III. Emergence, Existence, Extinction Day, though, is all about me. And first and foremost, I want to stay here, home. And I don’t have that luxury anymore.

I know I’m being like a heartless so-and-so. Oh Love! I want to say bad words. But there’s you, the kids, Virgil… the critic. Ha! And today, second only to B III’s passing away (sigh.) Soy un perdedor. I swear my critic is making me better with languages. While Japanese seems to be a no-go. You know words like “Security Guard.” Maybe Spanish works better? English though? If I could say what I want from this horrific day. Always and everything. That would be my son back. Love to this very moment, I’m neither in Denial nor would I claim Acceptance. I know the truth. Braxton Barks Bradford died. And if I had my way… “If I had my way, then surely you would be closer,” you sing to me.

I’ll be here to listen. I’ll learn how to dance. And to be quite honest, um, I “Feel Like Making Love.” After everything I’ve said today, what are the odds of that? Do I want to play Han Solo? Hell! We could have a movie night right here because, again, to go outside and do… what? My Ma took me to a restaurant once where they sang Happy… Oh No! But yes, I will be polite to our children. Is it sad? I have to say that. Virgil’s living here. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others, as Somni 451 said. Unfortunately leaving… That led me here. But I love you, our kids. Me? I’ll B Home Virgil

947 Days Without B III, Day 388 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 059 ~ It’ll B Fun, Virgil~

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I woke up this morning… and? Do I want a prize, a medal, even another breath. Well, I don’t want that breath for me. If I had my way, um, besides the things I want to do to my wife or to have another cry over my dog, no, my son. Existing. It’ll B Fun, Virgil

Tuesday, August 29, 2023

Tale 059 ~ It’ll B Fun, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so we’re supposed to be having fun. Most holidays work that way. Even the most solemn…

Not that E-Day in any way, shape, or form is a holiday. Before 2021, I would have called it the worst day of my Existence. Emergence, Existence, Extinction. Time-Traveling Love. Today is Saturday, August 26, 2023. But you know what day I remain trapped within. Sunday, January 31, 2021, is the new worst day. The day I lost my firstborn son, the prince, pup, and pancake known as Braxton. Then again, I would rather have that day than E-Day. At least then, I wouldn’t be a selfish so-and-so. Psychiatric help, my critic said. If I could only remember the day that Braxton hopped in the car. Or when we were “placed” in our first house. The day he jumped into my arms. That is Love.

Those were causes for celebration. But now I look at the days ahead of me… Well, if anything, if you knew how far along I was talking to you… I mean, for real. Turning thirty-nine. It’s not the least bit funny. But I’m supposed to have fun. It’s more for everyone else, though, I’m afraid to say. I’ve been listening to these meditations on loneliness. I have you, I know. And I won’t dare compare myself to Will Traynor in “Me Before You.” And yet. Paralyzed. Every day, my Love. I keep moving, and at the same time, I’m trapped. Braxton’s still lying in his bed on that table, and I’m holding him, and then you go all Jurassic Park, Love. Life finds a way.

Love will find a way. I have the day we met. Better, the day that I made you my wife. There’s the day I figured I would try being a father again. I look at V and still sigh. I have to question what at all I was thinking. Was/Is it Braxton? He’d know better than to mention E-Day, but yeah… “Daddy, pick that one. I can’t make this more black and white.” 2V and his three little black spots. Comedy comes in 3’s, I heard before, my Love. And how many two-legged kids do we have around here? They want their Daddy happy. It’s not like they’ll pay me half a million for an E-Day I don’t want. You say… It’ll B Fun, Virgil

940 Days Without B III, Day 381 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 052 ~Virgil’s Lovely Days B~

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“The sun is up, the sky is blue. It’s beautiful, and so are you.” My idea of a lovely day watching movies with B and one of his favorite girls in the world. Or waking up in some big fluffy pillows. Hell! Let B stand on my head. Virgil’s Lovely Days B

Tuesday, August 22, 2023

Tale 052 ~Virgil’s Lovely Days B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I’m always on the phone or reading a book, regardless of where I am… existing.

I’m always thinking about Braxton. I imagine so many ways I’d like to wake up Baby Doll. Allow me to get my inner Quagmire on AHEM “Giggity.” Anyway, I get up every morning knowing my son isn’t here. B III would either lie on my head to cover the alarm sounds. Or he would be stepping on my face because he needs to go out right now; what I wouldn’t give to have those days back. You, our children, being famous, our billions? “How Long Will I Love You?” How much do I love you? Always and forever. With all that, I am and more. And that leads me to what I’ve been thinking about these past days. E-Day? Death? And now, with Time Travel.

Today is Thursday, August 17, 2023. And I’m not dead yet. “I’m still breathing,” love. God knows at the old Day Job how I wanted to fall off a ladder or be crushed under some boxes. And with understanding “This Is America,” there are some “Dumb Ways To Die.” But I didn’t back then. And now? As I said, this man loves all that you are and more. What we are and will be. Only there was more of me, my love. Resurrection. Necromancy. My B. How I wish I had given him better days. A last day? Hell! Braxton should be here at eighteen. THEY say today is a good day to die. But as I was telling my boy, there’s always more Yabbos.

I’m sure he’s looking down on me from somewhere and saying, “Hey, Dad, comfy spot.” Whenever I was able to hug up next to you, my love. Or when the kids come and lie down on us. He’s saying, “You could be all soft and gentle, I remember.” Someday? Virgil will have a good day where he’s not scared and can feel all “Safe & Sound” after 374 days. Even now, I can’t tell you what a good day might look like for him. It’s not like I’m looking forward to lovey days myself. Again, we’re talking now as each day moves closer to E-Day. Emergence, Existence, Extinction. Desperation, Depression, and yes, Despondence. I’m sorry, love, we’re all looking forward to Virgil’s Lovely Days B.

933 Days Without B III, Day 374 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 045 ~Virgil’s Love B…eing Determined~

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Is it too much or not enough? Love. Where is the love? That’s not hard. It was at the vet’s on Sunday, January 31, 2021. It was in ashes on February 4. And sitting on my nightstand by the 10th. Friends, Ma, uh Virgil… Virgil’s Love B…eing Determined.

Tuesday, August 15, 2023

Tale 045 ~Virgil’s Love B…eing Determined~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I love the holidays. Now… Juneteenth is not a useless holiday, Vivek Ramaswamy. Scumbag!

Or that’s what my Ma would call him when she tries not to curse ha-ha. Somebody got on me about that today, a critic, Wednesday, August 9, 2023. So yes, I’m time-traveling once again, love. But didn’t I tell Inspector Echo that it’s a miracle I can even get out of bed? At all. Ever. Hell! I’m impressed Virgil can hold his bladder that long. B was/is much the same. But seeing how this is supposed to be the future, I wonder how “Gotcha Day” went with Virgil. I was going to say B III, honest to God. I’m hoping for a good Thursday. It’s Payday. I remember when I had my old Day Job. That getting paid was a testament to a wasted existence.

There is nothing to celebrate most days. Last night, right out of the blue, I was reminded to take some time off for E-Day. Emergence, Existence, Extinction. Level Thirty-nine soon. Baby Doll, not to go all Spice Girls, “If you wanna be my lover…” But I will never accept E-Day, especially now. It wouldn’t bother me. Not in the slightest if I weren’t here for it. Seventeen? Hell, younger than that should have been the end for me. All my billions, if I could have a Terminator built… I’d want it to go all Judgment Day. “I’ll Always Love My Mama.” As I’ve talked about before. My Aunt told me that I wanted the world destroyed. No profit in that. The Talmud says something like, to save a life is to save the world entire…

Then, to take a life is to destroy the world entirely, then yes. But only me. Do I love people? First and foremost, I love my family: you, my Braxton, the pancakes we made together. There’s my Ma, the freeloader living in the house… I should stop calling Virgil that. There’s a fondness for “my” little sister and my nephews. What about my “father” ha… A reason I want to make our billions. There are friends, B’s Aunt Carolina, M Anime, Cherry, Special K, I could go on. Really? Love Overflows, Overwhelms, and Omits me. It’s like “Me Before You.” I get up for Braxton’s memory, the love of a good woman; my children need their Daddy. Drink or Drown, Jigsaw. Virgil’s Love B…eing Determined.

926 Days Without B III, Day 367 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 038 ~Daddy’s Back, Braxton, Virgil~

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919 days, and I’m so tired. Excuse? I’m adulting. Or I could be nothing more than a Lazy Ass. I waste time on… Stuff and Thangs. But I’m still walking that path. The office where Braxton died to the front door. Daddy’s Back, Braxton, Virgil

Tuesday, August 8, 2023

Tale 038 ~Daddy’s Back, Braxton, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which should mean people are happy to see me. Braxton was/is always. Virgil? Don’t be scared.

But aren’t I always? Considering I’m time-traveling. Today is Sunday, July 30, 2023. So, a week and some change. I’m afraid I’ll return, and Virgil Vivi will be covered in whatever sickly mess he’s made. Or that he’s eaten it… Never Going Back Again. Gross! I imagine I’ll see that Braxton has returned to me. That’s when I’m not dreaming about some woman at the old Day Job. Or some “adult starlet” in the name of business. There is always my Braxton. You would figure I would hate going back to sleep. One more reason I love it so much. To be back with him or at least not in a world without him. Lying on my back, I can look to Heaven above (sigh).

And then there’s you, my love. When was the last time the two of us… Again, I’m looking towards the future, but at this moment. Yeah, I’m some holy roller. Sort of. Matrimony and all that, I only want to lay here with you. The world keeps passing me by. Only I can’t blame you for wanting to go out and enjoy it. Talk about something that scares me, love. That one day, I’ll see your back, and that will be it. Death, depression, and divorce borne out of this disease known as grief. Ok, you know how I feel about diseases and dying, hmm. “They were all in love with dyin’,” as the song goes —only me. I don’t want the kids following me.

I want them to live. The same as I wish for Braxton and Virgil, but how did that turn out? Virgil is alive, but he’s two. Braxton was on the cusp of sixteen. And our two-legged kids, my love? I remember my “big sister” telling me, you can’t do my kind of business near a school. Of course not. But it’s not me coming back from work. Work? Please! (Smiles). Didn’t I tell someone today I better not smile? And that had nothing to do with grief for B III. I’m surprised that didn’t have you running for the door or coming in —a miracle. Someday, I’ll come back from the vet’s Sunday, January 31, 2021. A machine, dead man, human? Daddy’s Back, Braxton, Virgil.

919 Days Without B III, Day 360 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 208 ~Will Love B Back~

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Superman, Batman, they can take off the cape. Other heroes can take off their costumes. B’s my hero, and he never wore a thing but a collar and a PetSmart bandana. But he always had my back, and I had his. Two against the world. Will Love B Back

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Chronicle 208 ~Will Love B Back~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I get no days off. Or so they say. Being a husband, father, man.

This time last year, I remember thinking I’d become something “wrong.” I was seeing, like the song “All These Things That I’ve Done.” Gospel 208 Collective Madness Is Called Sanity. Sweet buttery Jesus, I wish I could ask you to come along. You tell me now more than ever before I should look at all the good things. “All The Small Things” our children, Love. Oh, the music. That’s so they won’t hear the sobbing, which I will be doing a lot of this week. And it’s about one of those small things. If you didn’t believe that, we wouldn’t be together. Never ask anyone to choose between their furry and, well you. Again you know this and with B, My Love; “He’s My Son.”

Baby girl with you, children, the family, the life we’ve built, I ain’t fucking leaving. Insanity. But I can’t wear my cape today. I’m not going to pick up some smokes; I can’t stand smokers. I’m not much of a drinker. As much as I should pound back several bottles. Please, I need to feel this. Christians say I need to take up my cross and follow him. My son. I always found that funny. Do you think Jesus would want to remember his death? Braxton wouldn’t want me to remember him this way. Hell, it’s not even the day yet, January 31st. I don’t know if I’ll have anything to say then or the day after. But it was him and me that day.

So you can’t have my back on this one, Baby Doll. I’m not pushing you away, but I must stand alone on this one. I don’t know what I’ll do; Monday the 31st and Tuesday, Feb 1st. Grieving? Sure, but my love isn’t going anywhere. When I looked at Braxton on the day, I don’t remember if I asked him to stay or go. Braxton fought so hard. Did I have Braxton’s back? You have mine, and I have yours always and forever. This week I should remember. Braxton and I would sleep back to back sometimes. Somehow or another, taking turns being close to the door. How he would guard me during naps. Sitting on my shoulder. All our comfy spots together. Love never leaves. Will Love B Back

Gospel 208 ~Collective Madness Is Called Sanity~

359 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Episode 202 ~Scratch My Back Will~

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Is it strange that I sleep on my back when I know I have and sleep on my belly when I get a chance to relax some and what about B III or how they talk about “certain” girls and their jobs? Scratch My Back Will.

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Episode 202 ~Scratch My Back Will~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, with whatever idea I pull out of my butt next, I could probably use a butt scratcher not that it ever made Peter Griffin a fortune, but at least he was out there. How many times have I heard “think outside the box” and while I’m doing all that thinking, tinkering, and theorizing, have I been living my purpose which is writing and so my dear I have had an epiphany?

How’s this for my purpose, I want everyone on their backs or stomachs in certain instances; ask me what I want, sleep, sex and silence so why so sinful, serious, and indeed there is no need for sorry is there? My whole damn world it seems at its core centers around the bedroom but what’s wrong with that other than the fact that there is so much world out there and how best to deal with it these days I ask you. If anything it starts with a good night’s sleep I believe? I’m still waking up at 2:15 every morning not that I’m doing much with it anymore and you remember I talked about my dream yesterday, yet have no idea where that’s going.

This morning I finished reading another novel, and after that, I looked at porn though I am still abstaining and I haven’t gone running back to the MILF; no profit but of course I want it to be. The first step though is writing; I want to write books that keep people up at night, stories that make people touch themselves, a novel that uncovers everything about someone. I’ve said this before, but I want to have a brothel, a harem, cathouse, ranch, whatever, what about movies and TV, video games, I tell you Lady Luna I’ve been everywhere girl.

Last but not least, you know how people talk about sex, they smashed, got laid, knocked boots, killed the punani, and it’s a disease this thing called love (I’m on a YouTube binge) and didn’t I say we need a new plague… not AIDS or anything of course. I’m thinking about my next read, and again I’m everywhere from zombies to taboo and one more saying of the pen becoming much more “potent” than any weapon, what torture to have people silenced and yet keep them alive. Such is my gift to the world, words, my will, and thoughts of WTF left unspoken; ask me not Scratch My Back Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 153 ~Will Is Back Alright~

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You did not take up to be mediocre, even if you’re on your back all day your eyes are wide freaking open, and you know what you are, an actress, a superhero, working for NASA perhaps and I am a writer. “Will Is Back Alright.”

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Episode 153 ~Will Is Back Alright~

Hey Lady Lu,
How To Make One Million Dollars, well there was an experiment with NASA where I could be paid thousands to stay on my back for a few months; trust me like white people don’t want to be black, I don’t want to be a girl but if I were a pretty one I’d do porn. Of course, guys do porn too but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards, and how much has “B III” made just lying here. Free room and board, medical care, he has me rubbing his belly and head on most days.

Lying on my back is not my purpose, and I did not wake up to mediocre, so why did I wake up at all… walk “Triple B” (it was raining), his medication, check the “War Room” the battle goes well, you are what you eat (Chicken) and talking to you. Sometimes I ask myself, have I always been like this; when I was trying to end my life, taking sleeping pills, painkillers, one every half hour because you know I’m a stickler for time, there was my reason for staying in bed hurting. Now I stay in bed merely trying to recover, and that means nothing is getting done, besides novels, naughty fantasies, and counting what will never happen ever.

Not all heroes don capes, but a lot do because they know who they are, others believe in who the people protected might be someday, and others want to know how strong their enemy is and know they can’t fall back, their backs to the wall. Another benefit is heroes fight back to back so they know who they can trust, villains always worry about knives, so at least evil is forever on their toes, but my point is they are awake and alive. November was about the walking dead (my version of them), whores, and wakefulness; so why do I only want more, falling to me is akin to failure, and I continually return to one of my Motivations where Eric Thomas quoting 50 Cent says, sleep is for those people who are broke.

You know I can complain about money, but for longer than that I haven’t only been “broke” I’ve been dead, and I can’t imagine who I was before, and if I go back let’s say to October, I wasn’t exactly living either. Zombies wake up to feed, and that’s it, though I might be a “Whisperer,” yeah waking up to watch The Walking Dead, my most active time, death is when one feels the most alive and if I could be that guy every moment screaming Will Is Back Alright.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 357 ~And Other Dangerous Weapons~

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Fear is the monster, and the weapons I have aren’t doing anything to kill it, do I even want to anymore, I’m tired but everything is keeping me on my back or my ass, but at least I’m writing, and words are weapons. “And Other Dangerous Weapons.”

Saturday, June 23, 2018

Lesson 357 ~And Other Dangerous Weapons~

Hey Lady Lu,
Can You Love Me Again, I suppose some people will answer yes even if they don’t mean it when I’m in the ground, but today I’m Alive; so why is it when I saw 357 I immediately thought about a gun, I’m an American, I’m suicidal, what keeps me on my back?

If anything my day job, I didn’t start sleeping on my back until I became terrified that I would lose my employment, I’ve only ever been late once, and I was wide awake at the time, though generally like Frankenstein’s monster I rise because the job is killing me. How many times do I say I love my dog like pancakes, but like any parent sometimes he becomes my excuse not to do something or to do everything, but love can be a lot of things including shameful. It’s almost as if one should be ashamed of being depressed, for having the blessings that someone like me has, and I am blessed Lady Luna I see that; a bed, a couch, a chair, a dog, so many soft places and some people only see such luxury in a coffin, and that’s if they’re lucky enough.

Speaking of luck the worst weapon that I use against myself is LUST; if I go to Hell, more like when; I can only hope I get a circle two offense, and the sad thing is I can’t even name everything I’ve looked up this past week or even the past hour. I’m so far from paradise nowadays, but I want something higher; I keep telling myself that but as I was saying to “Cherry” yesterday that something greater will probably come with brunette hair.

You would think I wouldn’t look at the ground so much but more at my wooden dining room table or something else that’s indeed rockhard, writing, woody, the weather though I like the rain somewhat which matches my mood, slow and dark. The clock is another source of motivation and irritation over how much time I waste doing nothing it’s a constant struggle it wears me out. Besides lust, SLEEP should be considered one of my seven deadly sins; I have to give up sleep, somebody said that’s when the real work begins when you’re tired and hungry, not that I’m helping myself when it comes to food either sadly.

So day job, fatherhood, depression, lust, writing, time, and sleep, see it doesn’t take a 357 to kill yourself not when there are so many choices And Other Dangerous Weapons.

I Will Have No Fear