Tag: Hell

Saga 034 ~B Willing To Bark~

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B’s has gone silent again. I don’t blame him. Novel writing is hard work, and I should have been more vocal. Hell! I should be louder at the Day Job and go all Michael Jackson. “Leave me alone. Stop it. Just stop doggin’ me around.” B Willing To Bark

Thursday, August 4, 2022

Saga 034 ~B Willing To Bark~

550 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? If I could hear your answer. I wish my day was over and done with.

At the moment, it’s like old times. You know I don’t get up like this. Unless the day is going to go bad. It was a day like this when I held you in my arms and tried to rock you to sleep. A bad choice of words… but you know what I mean. This was an effed-up week. Do you miss me grumbling, griping, and growling like this? I could save it for the afternoons. As I said, I wish I was already there. If anything, I wish I was more like you. At the Day Job the other day, I was thinking. At least when my kid barked, he was helping me out. I would take your voice over everything every day, Braxton.

There’s this quote I always use in regards to you. “All I know is the child is my warrant, and if he isn’t the word of God, then God never spoke.” It remains true, Braxton. If God is love, then I could think of no better way to say it than Braxton. I’m still listening, trying. But with all the noise in the world, Baby B, I swear. When it wasn’t the silence of your death. It’s my shame I have when I walk into the Day Job. At least I’m not saying “Another Day.” It was that indifference towards my existence that ended you. Braxton, all the rage I endure that’s been bubbling up. I can’t tell you why that is. I’m your Dad.

Yes, we’re men. But there are many different, difficult, and dangerous little things to bark. Now, one of those is that I want to go back to bed. As if I’ve left it this morning for anything more than to have this conversation. The worthless discussions, Day Job. Now, as I said, my anger. I can’t tell you why but people Braxton have been driving me up the wall. Aren’t I one of them? Like that Wednesday, I came back and passed out. Blackout? I’m going to bring up that book yet again. It’s one I would share with you to a certain extent. You might sigh, scratch, or only sit there. But you were willing to live B, I know. B Willing To Bark

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 031 ~Value Having A Real Choice~

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If I had a choice, my son would be alive. I could go back to sleep. After having some P.Y.T., How is it the Christians say? This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it. No, No, I Don’t Think I Will. Value Having A Real Choice

Monday, August 1, 2022

Saga 031 ~Value Having A Real Choice~

Two-Hundred and Fifty-First Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I’m up at 3:00 AM, or is it 4:00? American Dream at 7:00. Where is Braxton?

I didn’t choose to love him. And yet I CHOSE to love him. Does that make any sense? It’s like the very first episode of Pokémon; “Pokémon, I Choose You!” How about Power Rangers Ninja Storm? They weren’t the chosen ones. But they were all that was left, so yep. Or, as a “great” man said in Destiny 2. “You’re a bunch of dirty misfits, but you’re all that’s left, so you’ll have to do.” And didn’t I say that I wanted to be more of a grownup, a man? All that matters is I love my boy. And I don’t have any choice in the matter. As the song goes, “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You.” So, where does choice originate? Awake and Alive…

Fuck I am? Pardon my language, but I have chosen to be mad. I can say that for now, ha. Madam, I could say I’m choosing violence, but that might not go over well, considering. Anyway, so why am I angry? As always, my son is dead. And that’s too much for a Dad, Madam. I’m upset because of what I have to do now. A reason I want to write. I’m not so mad. And finally, it’s what I have been talking about daily. “Do I have a drink, or do I not have a drink?” I swear those words continue to haunt me, and you know I ain’t talking a thing about drinking. Do I masturbate, or do I not masturbate? More acceptable?

The ideas of violence over anything sexual. But more to the point is that I have a “choice” over something in this existence. Today will be day 11 if I can last, Madam. The thirst? Again what about B III? 547 days since he’s been gone, and where are my choices when it comes to him? I can’t choose what I want to buy to “honor” him. As much as I wish it were otherwise, I won’t be the man he thinks I am. Yeah, I already began failing Six Impossible Things yesterday. Hell! Everything up to this moment is no choice of mine. My puppy, people, “pen and paper.” But my wayward penis fuck! Someday, somehow, someway, may I Value Having A Real Choice.

547 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 027 ~Tears B Coming Standard~

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Depression can be an addiction, and I always have something to cry about… I don’t have anyone to cry to. I instead cry or sleep than do anything. Tell that to my knuckles, but at least I ain’t breaking them against walls. “Tears B Coming Standard.”

Thursday, July 28, 2022

Saga 027 ~Tears B Coming Standard~

543 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I should wipe my tears away before walking in. Why? You’ve seen me cry plenty.

I’ve cried at least twice before talking to you today. I can’t even say you were reason number one, Baby B. But you should be. We’ll get to that. I am crying now, though. And I cried last night when I called you down for your medicine. Ironic, right, Braxton? Well, if you’re up THERE, of course. Or down THERE since I’m going to Hell. And you like being warm and guarding gates. Hell! For all I know, you’re in some cage somewhere B. Or have you even been reincarnated yet? I might cry a little more thinking such things. It makes my head hurt but not like when you would step on it, remember? The sun’s been up a while before me. That’s unacceptable.

As unacceptable as the reason I was up earlier and was crying tears. You and I are boys always and forever. Boyz II Men? “‘Cause we men, ain’t we?” Yeah. B yesterday I wrote some about the movie nights we had with your Aunt Carolina. They were good times, ha. But back to the original point, unacceptable. We’d talk about your Aunt’s Yabbos, B III. Only there are things I kept from you. My addiction, for starters. So this morning, as I heard the familiar beep from the phone, well… Anyway, it was a struggle. I was triggered thinking about, um yeah, Yabbos, and I had to white knuckle it. One hand on the mattress. The other was on the phone. Glad you weren’t here.

That makes me cry all the more. I’m always sad you aren’t here in the flesh. Why would I even bother picking up the phone hoping to see… something when I had my handsome “wee little puppy man.” But now, nothing is stopping me except for sleep. It’s 8:30 AM. As jayson_jvc might say, “get out your flesh!” I told you something like that, Braxton. Harsh, because I made that happen on January 31, 2021. Freed you from the mortal coil. There are other reasons for me to cry. Braxton, we could finish writing the novel. Going to the Day Job is another. Laughing to keep from crying about the stuff on the phone when getting it fixed. Shame over Cherry and M Anime. Your Aunt? Tears B Coming Standard

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 024 ~Power Means, Responsibility, Desire, Fear~

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A “great” man once said, no one man should have all that power. The most I ever had was over my furry son’s life. A few screens that show me the “world.” And the idea that I can sleep when I want. Ah, power. Power Means, Responsibility, Desire, Fear.

Monday, July 25, 2022

Saga 024 ~Power Means, Responsibility, Desire, Fear~

Two-Hundred and Fiftieth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means, in He-Man’s words, “I Have The Power!” Rule 13, Power Is All That Matters, right?

From last week to the start of this week, it’s been all about power, energy, and some plain ole oomph. This shows why I’m up at 2:00 in the morning, but that comes later, Madam. Responsibility, or how I look at it. Adulting for the most part. I cannot stress this enough. Was I responsible when it came to the life of my son? Hell!

My Brother’s Keeper? Regarding daddies, Triple B found another one in Father Time. But that doesn’t stop me from blaming myself. Shame is how I’m feeling right this second. I was supposed to be responsible for B III’s well-being. And now, like some parent leaving their kid in the car, I’m worried about a phone. Isn’t that harsh and despicable?

Sad too that the phone, in a way, is so vital in my lousy existence. If B was here, I could try to say that I need it to look after him. Now, if anything, I’m just “Some Guy” Madam. Cherry said, “You men, you’re all the same in the end.” With the way, I feel about people (sigh). Of course, the best man I know died 540 days ago. Braxton is furry and fluffy.

On the other hand, Madam, as the song goes, “But I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo.” Oh, you know I’m way worse. I keep looking at the date and must remember why I began talking to Lady Lu again. Because of my second greatest desire, which is XXX. I’m hopeless.

Fear of both having and losing that at the touch of a button. What other function do any of these devices serve? Oh right, writing as a livelihood. What was I creating only after doing the bare minimum of words for B? The first poem I’ve written in forever, for tits. “It has that power over me,” sex, I mean. At least I have the power to say it. Such is strength. But that’s like a few weeks ago when I got it up to go to Best Buy, and they couldn’t do anything for the phone. And if that happens today? I’ve said the epitome of manhood is fatherhood. A man provides and has the power to do so. Power Means, Responsibility, Desire, Fear

540 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 020 ~No B In Misery~

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I could talk to my kid about anything. Once I had to give him “the talk” because, let’s say, he liked his aunt more than I did for a bit. But how do you tell them you’re angry, an artist, or an addict. Because my misery has no company. No B In Misery

Thursday, July 21, 2022

Saga 020 ~No B In Misery~

536 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As you can see I’m late. But at least I’m not spending today in bed.

For a moment there, I planned on it. Addicted to the misery? Your fault and then not as I’ve been talking to you about the last few days. You know how late I was getting to bed last night. Not that late. It was 1 AM went I cut off the lights. Writing books Braxton. Today I need to keep it going. Only every time I look at it as the song goes, “You make me wanna die.” I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. And then again, not. When I look at our book, there are a few times I want to burst into tears. It’s no damn good. Or I have to remember how it all happened. Wasting time.

Oh yes, I wasted time. Just this morning, a fucked up phone is a plethora of “sin.” You know the girl I once talked to before I started conversing with you, B III? Or should I tell Inspector Echo about how disappointing my morning became? And it goes like this. Haley Pullos, Eri Harada “Bible Black,” Nuns in Hentai, other assorted brunettes, Cherry. And finally, a blonde in a bikini. You had it so damn easy, B III. You had two toys and your aunt’s boobs. You’re a guy, and so am I, but I am also your father. I have to be better, B. Remember, I never thought about having you neutered, but with my addiction to well myself. Dennis Hof, Jacob Ralston, Blackout…

I wish you were here to speak to directly, Triple B. Hell! That would take care of the misery I’m feeling. And, I wouldn’t be a crazy man talking to myself this many days. Always. Blackout: A Thriller by Erin Flanagan is all about women and one’s alcohol addiction. So. Yeah, I hear you, B. That’s a conversation for Lady Sophia. Why am I having such trouble talking with you today? Because I have to this afternoon, I know to stay ahead writing-wise. My point is I’m trying to find anything, everything, to avoid my biggest addiction. That should have been you, my priority. But excuses for not writing, sex, audiobooks, making me sad. Addictions to escape you, B? Because there’s No B In Misery

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 017 ~Many Breakable Things Besides Hearts~

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Somedays, I feel like Han Solo (ha-ha) talking to The Millennium Falcon. “You hear me, baby? Hold together.” After my heart was broken with my kid, what else is there. Everything seems ready to break. “Many Breakable Things Besides Hearts.”

Monday, July 18, 2022

Saga 017 ~Many Breakable Things Besides Hearts~

Two-Hundred and Forty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. This means many things are fixable, replaceable, “new, new,” or trying to last forever. Then there’s love…

And there’s more to it than the body. I know you expect me to be a selfish bastard and talk about myself first, but there’s my boy. The son that I have been writing about. Going on 533 Days now. His body may have broken, but this “crazy little thing called love,” Madam. On one paw, it didn’t save him. On the other, immortality, reincarnation? That’s another thing Madam; “Faith,” all my pop culture references, and all the books I read. Or I was reading before I got into writing a novel all these days, Braxton and me. I haven’t been winning any points for keeping my promises, but I didn’t break one yesterday. I’m on track with Camp NaNoWriMo, somehow, Madam Justice. A miracle?

So explain to me what I was doing from 4:35 AM to 4:55? To quote another song, “Where Is My Mind?” I was breaking it down with a million excuses to deserve laziness. If it isn’t my brain. Then yeah, it’s my own damn body. One will always choose to break the body before the mind. Yabbos make things so much simpler. Afterward? I’ve felt like I need to take a shower after all the dirt, disgust, and depravity from what’s me. I kept asking myself, what was wrong with me? Well, besides the fact I can’t cuddle with B? I mentioned being touch starved in “The Will To B III” And Braxton’s comfy spots. Madam, I’m just breaking the bed, either sleeping or jerking.

Surprised I haven’t broken any of my computers yet with the amount of porn I got. “Ain’t no woman like the one I’ve got.” More like ain’t no porno like the one I got. I’m a pretty sick pup, which insults sick pups, and I apologize. I never fix or cure anything. NaNoWriMo is even an attempt to put off the inevitable. Didn’t I say that if I can complete it, that proves I’m not suffering from fatigue, I’m not fucked up, and I’ll be here forever? So why would I need a doctor? If not me? What about car repairs or something to get out of here. Because this week will be more broken than the last, no doubt. Many Breakable Things Besides Hearts.

533 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 013 ~B On The Wall~

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A fly on the wall? Like the song “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?” But when who you’re hiding from is everywhere. Has their own room and pictures galore, and you’re writing a book. If only “stuff” would work. B On The Wall.

Thursday, July 14, 2022

Saga 013 ~B On The Wall~

529 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? My day is only beginning, and the truth is that it’s not my fault. It’s like the Day Job sigh.

You know, nothing ever works, like me, ha. But to be honest, as though I’m not, I’ve only been waiting for everything to “come up.” Like, I need sex jokes now. How I hate myself. Yet it worked yesterday… I worked. I did 5000 words. And I was even a few minutes ahead of schedule. The victory was relatively short-lived, as I spent most of the night all mad. Of course, you know those days B III. I’m looking at the date and wondering if I should look up what happened in August on such a day around six years ago. To think such things bothered me then. Oh no? Again I’m thinking about Yabbos. I’ve been writing some about those you loved the most.

Your aunt could be pleased about how often she appears in your/our novel. After all, she was a big part of your life in your golden years. Now my actual sister and your Ma, B… While stewing yesterday, I thought about your granddad and if he would ever see the work we’re doing. I guess I shouldn’t be concerned with my publishing record. Never happen! But if you’re speaking to me, then you have much to say today as well… I keep thinking of ways to honor you. But the last thing I would want to do is insult you, Triple B. I think of you watching me right this second. Or if you have reincarnated, then I’m some Christian, Republican, lying to myself. Eww!

It’s so much easier to be shitty, sad, or, as the kids would say, “SUS.” But this morning, all I can think is how psyched out I am about what I’ll say next or you. I left on my chapter. There’s also the idea, yet again, that I’m late and it’s not my fault it’s past 7:00 AM at the moment, when I was up at 4:00 AM. I was also plenty scared something was broken and all my secrets… I can’t even say there were no secrets between you and me, Little B… And you were my shadow, my second in command, my one and only son. So uh, what about going to PetSmart on Saturday and writing? You’ll watch B On The Wall.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 010 ~ Love’s Unknowns, Right Or Wrong~

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Hate can be taught, and I had fantastic teachers. I’m sure there’s a better way to say that, but I would instead speak of love. Funny, the best teacher I had there never said a word. And even knowing the why, how? Love’s Unknowns, Right Or Wrong

Monday, July 11, 2022

Saga 010 ~ Love’s Unknowns, Right Or Wrong~

Two-Hundred and Forty-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means the law doesn’t apply to me… Trump, Bezos, Musk. Worse?

One less thing… unless that “thing” happens to be my son. I can love a dollar. But I’ve never loved anything more than B. And the thing is, I didn’t know how to love him. Fifteen years? I’d lie to his Aunt Carolina about getting him some doggie steps. Flying? Oh yes, my boy is flying now, all thanks to me. Or he’s saving me a spot by the fire. He could be waiting alongside Cerberus, barking, “is he here yet.” Soon? But we’ll get to that, Madam. As I could give you all these quotes about love or again how I continue defining it. I see myself as more of a murderer than ever being merciful. Love’s fucking confusing. And being STUPID about it…

“Yeah, baby, when it comes to females.” I can say I’m not in love with anyone. Of course, “I’ll always love my mama.” I care for Braxton’s aunts. One more than the other, um yeah. Lust though? I find ways to fuck that up too. You should have heard me talking to Cherry Sunday. And then when I imagine bedding M Anime… And before them? It has been six years. Lucky? As in getting lucky? Um, that’s more of a talk for Inspector Echo. All the writing I have to do today. But yesterday, it was all about Yabbos. Keeping it in my pants, ha-ha. What pants? I wasted the entire day not loving myself. Or my craft. There was the Man in the Mirror.

You know the guy I’m killing every day. Because I can’t follow Morgan Freeman’s advice as “Go on and do it EXPEDITIOUSLY!” Well, not since Braxton saved my life before. Braxton knew how to love me. He never worried about right or wrong. All my little boy saw was, “these people upset my daddy.” So he’d spend his days at his gate barking up a storm. It took him around four months to trust his Aunt Carolina. Hell! Anyone who loved filling him up with food. He’d trust with daddy’s life. Treachery, Betrayal, not B. Because he only knew love. Like father like son? Love power. But what to do with it, Madam? Who or what do we become? Love is a miracle. Bad miracle? Love’s Unknowns, Right Or Wrong

526 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 006 ~I’ll B Right Back~

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Again with my Republican ideas. Wanting to go back to the past. But B and I suffered together. He saw me through the first year of the plague, and now we are on the verge of a Civil War. Going out dangerous, but I always told B, “I’ll Be Right Back.”

Thursday, July 7, 2022

Saga 006 ~I’ll B Right Back~

522 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Seeing how we’re talking right now. Hell, you can guess how my day was (sigh).

I remember the vet warning me not to move things around the house. The way I carried you down the stairs sometimes. And how much you slept. But your nose and ears were always good. B III, your last day, you hid under the bed because I said, “I’ll help you.” Braxton, um, ok, this is a subject you rather not discuss. I’m sorry but as for my own health? I spoke to Lady Lunalesca today, Saturday, July 2, 2022. Want to feel better! That’s what I told her. So better to focus on my problems. The only thing really is my own, I think. Having to pee always. I have cranberry juice, sprite, and chicken noodle soup. My fatigue. We’re the old men, Braxton.

On days like today, I want to go back to when I would write, and you would wait. You were always waiting for me, Braxton. Waiting for me to come home, to finish writing. Oh, and my shower wanking. Don’t give me that look. You remember you’d hump your toys B. Remember how I had to sit you down for “The Talk” because you would always cozy up to your Aunt Carolina’s tiddies. Those were the days, my boy. Sitting with her and you as we all watched movies. The closest I ever got to “happiness.” I can name three. One you don’t know. Before I met you, there was one time in high school I was a senior. For five minutes, No Fear. The second, I almost died… bliss.

You saved my life that day, B. And I swore I would never leave you. We ride together, we die together. And the third again was when I gave you as much of a family as I could B III. You had me, your aunt, a ton of food. I wanted you to have a good mother, bro, and sis. Can we go back to the days when, if I wasn’t writing, I’d tell you about your future life, B? Hell! With the Olds, can we return to when you would bark at the gate at them, my B III? How about when you would sit at the foot of the bed? Or the last day, “Daddy, can we go home?” I’ll B Right Back

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 003 ~My Hope Strengthens. Fear Kills~

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A fan of the “Fever” series. You can tell from the title. I’m a fan of Freedom and Fear too. Not enough of the one. Too many of two this Independence Day. My hope is not in Evangelical white men but in my son… oh. My Hope Strengthens. Fear Kills

Monday, July 4, 2022

Saga 003 ~My Hope Strengthens. Fear Kills~

Two-Hundred and Forty-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. (Puts on his powdered wig). And is that not the American dream. Violence, Wealth, XXX? Oh, doggies?

I wouldn’t be worried about the first three if I was busy comforting Braxton. Between last night, especially today. And Hell, should I write off this whole week? I know you’re saying, “just write, dammit,” ha-ha. Anyway, that is my hope for today. Writing, trying. Isn’t that how America got started? It is Independence Day, after all. Only as I told M Anime yesterday. Unless you’re a white Evangelical man, you woke up with far fewer rights in how long? I’ve never put much of my hope in the government. And I didn’t need The 1619 Project to tell me that wealth is the answer. What about education, um, ok. I read every day, despite Kindle robbing me of 526 days. What about Braxton, 519?

I spoke of Violence, Wealth, and XXX. What of Hope, Fear, but today there’s Freedom? My hope was B. Every single day that there was someone who loved me unconditionally. As far as Fear… where do I even begin? At this second, don’t let me fall back into my bed. Freedom is the fact that I have a choice. And that is a box of worms. Bad choice of words. Only worse would be things like “for wrath, for ruin.” My rage? Still beats depression. Madam, lots of money could do that too. Sometime yesterday, I said, a million dollars. Yet with all the fireworks that went off yesterday and that will assail the skies today. I want to make something else go boom, sigh.

The fact that I might see some Yabbos. If that’s what it takes for me to have any hope, ha. Could it be one more promise that I would see my son again in one way or another, I hope. That somehow or someway, I will find him alive, reincarnated, or like Darth Vader, sister. If I’m not too busy being a selfish bastard over B III’s loss, what about hope for my country, Madam. Will freedom return here someday? I’ve said so many times that my Braxton saw me through the plague but now a Civil War. Like something out of Chronicles of Narnia. Only you know where the title is from, the “Fever” series. But so much Fear… My Hope Strengthens. Fear Kills

519 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will