Tag: Pain

Gospel 322 ~Needling Away Might B…~

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Plenty of religious movies that say Mark of the Beast this; shot that, but I’m not a man of faith. If Trumptards are against this, then it must be good. My son B III would want his Dad alive. To vaccinate or not, against COVID? Needling Away Might B…

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Gospel 322 ~Needling Away Might B…~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, a proud American, a good father, and an alright man. Like before, it’s fun to dream.

Since I’ll say I’m a Billionaire tomorrow, let me focus on being an American. The American Dream. Before B III, I was in the military, In The Navy but only a few weeks of Basic Training. That was the last time I ever intentionally saw a needle for myself, Echo. Now Braxton saw plenty, including his last one… we’ll get to that soon. Anyway, I don’t understand why this is such a hard decision to vaccinate or not from COVID-19. I’m not a Stupid Trumptard. Inspector Echo, I trust the science and want to do my part, USA yay. Honor, Courage, Commitment, yeah, one more reason I didn’t stick to my guns, literally on some ship. Nobody’s saying I can’t still wear my mask around…

I wasn’t when B took all his needles from the first to the last. Hell, half the time, I laughed, always telling him, “Be A Man B.” He’s a scaredy-cat…

Anytime we went into PetSmart or over to Banfield, it was like he was walking The Green Mile. Or it was Room 101 from the book 1984 (scary). Allow me to be overly dramatic. If it were between having Braxton looking at me those last moments or the cage with the rats? He’s not asking me to do that, though. Braxton would want me to be healthy and safe, especially since he’s no longer here to protect me. If the vaccine did kill me, well, like I’ve been saying, I’ve got it coming. It’s deserved. Does it beat exploding “Spontaneous?”

Yes, I’m still a grown man obsessed with a movie about high school. I’d be lying if I said a bit of peer pressure wasn’t involved with my decision. What, I’ve made a decision? That explains why I have been sleeping so late or Depression? It’s almost 7:00 AM, shame. A “decent” man once said, “Listen to the woman,” or women in this case. I would do anything for a pretty girl. My second BFF hasn’t gotten the vaccine, but her hubby has. A woman I’m hoping to do “stuff and thangs” with is pleading with me not to take it. What kind of man am I then? Braxton’s father always, forever, and would he be proud of me after yesterday… Needling Away Might B…

108 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 320 ~Leash Your Demons, Never Tame~

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Braxton’s leash is free and remains unused for what is now 106 Days and counting like all of his other things. Meanwhile, there is no stopping the mighty dollar, my mourning, or my mooning. Leash Your Demons, Never Tame.

Monday, May 17, 2021

Gospel 320 ~Leash Your Demons, Never Tame~

Hundred And Eighty-Eighth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now. I have my boy, and I own a brothel. It’s fun dreaming…

Let’s start with the first; if I had a billion dollars. Of course, the song is If I Had A Million Dollars, but I dream big, or still of Braxton. The money doesn’t matter much anymore, not after B III. If I want to try again, though… All I’ve read on fur babies says it’s natural, betrayal; Madam Justice, not betrayal but guilt. Let’s meet in the middle and call it Treachery. But like all my sins, I am one to downgrade myself to greed. It’s one of the reasons this week I want to focus on getting my tattoo of B III. It will be expensive, I guess, but Braxton’s life? B’s worth everything. With anger, I blame greed. Money is the root of all evil, The O’Jays sing.

So why couldn’t I save him? I’m beginning to move more and more into Bargaining, but you know I don’t want to. It’s like Dante making his way through the circles of Hell, and what is the next? More beats, more breaths, and blankets full of tears. Today’s date 106. Hell, I couldn’t stop Braxton even when he knew he was dying. What a horrible thought? Do you think he accepted that while everything in him told him to keep going? Fuck Madam Justice, I’m one fucked up human being, but the thought of hurting my child, I could never. It’s still so weird that on one side of the coin, I’m free. On the other without my Cerberus to guard me, I’m a monk.

This, of course, guides me to my worse “sins” I gave up Dirty Diana, I believe Thursday, February 4, 2021. I haven’t done “stuff and thangs” since Thursday, December 24, 2020. It’s when I wanted to be a better father, and I should have gifted B with a mother, right? I’m only a man (snickers.) I saw someone ask (Onlyfans girl) when did she think of herself as an adult. I can’t tell you like she did when she said she bought her own house. My Olds took out a mortgage. They pay some of the bills. I have a job, hobbies (stuff and thangs.) Yet I am Braxton’s father? To leash the horny fanboy. Become someone Braxton’s proud of. Trying Madam Justice, I’m trying. Leash Your Demons, Never Tame

106 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 318 ~Got Braxton At Home~

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Not quite the Mother’s Day week I had envisioned though congratulations to all my friends with their new kids and grandkids. I remembered when I was a child and wanting to stop and get food, but McDonald’s doesn’t serve love. Got Braxton At Home

Saturday, May 15, 2021

Gospel 318 ~Got Braxton At Home~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Yes, that’s a want, and I’ve been dreaming far too much. What about making it aspirational?

I’m sorry, Lady Lu, I had been thinking about this meme the other day. It’s how you want McDonald’s, and your Mom says we have it at home. One more way, I’m such a little boy, even back in my twenties. I didn’t want to stop. I needed to get back to B and be okay. This week I’m not, and I’m sure you’ve seen that. Since Wednesday night, I’ve imagined what it would be like to simply explode. Why must I repeat myself… AHEM, I’m not suicidal, Lady Luna. Braxton would never allow it. That didn’t stop me while he breathed. It’s like on one side of the coin, I want nothing more than to be with him again. On the other, if something were to happen to me and I faced my son, how would he look at me. Does he forgive me? I’m an atheist, but I know Braxton found his eternal comfy spot… The Rainbow Bridge?

SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t seen Spontaneous (2020). It’s like the “Red Screen” scene between Mara and Dylan and how they were happy and then not. Or it could be like “Angel” when Fred asked Wesley, “why can’t I stay?” It’s 1408, Mike’s daughter’s ashes.
I return here every day, and sometimes I even forget that Braxton isn’t here, and I sit on the stairs. When I do remember, I run through all the emotions, Braxton’s fear, his wanting to come home, all of it. “Don’t you love me anymore?”

“Boom, Explosion!” The fucking ASM lit the fuse, and here I am 104 days, and I’m trying to put myself back together. I know I’m still sticking with the pop culture analogies. Can you blame me, Luna? For living in fiction when you see what has become of this reality? Now Lady Lu, am I, Mara or Dylan. You know who I want to be, but God is cruel, yep. Like Fred, I might wake up a “monster.” Um, I got two new OnlyFans, and I’m making room for “stuff and thangs.” Of course, I’m like Mike holding onto my son’s ashes in a box. There’s no mom, no wife, no lover to stop anywhere, and I want to go home. Got Braxton At Home.

104 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 315 ~A Mom’s B Leaving~

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Once in my life, I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Not really to serve but “reasons.” I don’t blame people for not counting on me. I can’t trust myself. But to not be a good enough son or especially a father because I’ll “F Up.” A Mom’s B Leaving.

Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Gospel 315 ~A Mom’s B Leaving~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I know it won’t be because of puns. Hell, I’ll take care of my mom.

Did that sound “sinister,” Inspector? You know what I mean, but I wasn’t even able to look after B III. It’s why he’s on the nightstand and not on the bed. I was saying today, May 8… yes, it’s going to be a bad week; I was thinking of that song “You Were Loved,” yep. Like mother like son, I guess. My Ma’s a big fan of Whitney Houston. While I can’t say I am, this song has made it onto my playlist for B III. Well, that is until the fucking ASM took it away from me. Should I be ashamed I’m still going on about that meathead bastard? Anyway, there is one verse that keeps playing between Charlie Brown’s language and my RAGE.

“When somebody cares that you’re alive
When somebody trusts you with their life.”
You Were Loved by Whitney Houston

My Ma doesn’t trust me. I’m always one to be direct, like saying I killed Braxton. Let me share a story with you. One night, still living with My Olds in my late twenties… another part of my shame? Okay, it’s late enough that Braxton stayed within his comfy spot. Strangely enough, my Ma comes downstairs and leaves. She didn’t say a word, only she hopped in the car and drove away. I figured something happened to my “father’s” truck, and she went to pick him up or something. In the morning, I found out she thought she was having a heart attack and drove to the nearby fire station for help. She could have died, but she didn’t trust me enough to say “HELP.”

Now I could play it as her wanting to protect me. A mother protects her kids, and she didn’t want me to see her like that. But something happened at the Day Job, and um, I have two words for you “short bus.” We’ll get into that at some point, but yep Ma and B. Ma knew I’d fuck up.

Does Braxton feel the same way? Every Wednesday, I remember him crying, and I ignored him, and come Thursday, it was as if he’d gotten over it. I have admired his strength over those last days, but no Inspector Echo. He knew his Daddy couldn’t make it better, but he had to save himself. Braxton didn’t fail; I did. Fuck up. A Mom’s B Leaving

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 313 ~I Will Not Die Today~

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Well, I’m definitely not dead yet but considering what awaits me today? If I knew Braxton would forgive me if he forgave me after the last day of his life? No day can be just another day, but what to do with this one. “I Will Not Die Today”

Monday, May 10, 2021

Gospel 313 ~I Will Not Die Today~

Hundred And Eighty-Seventh Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I wouldn’t be if I had found death much earlier, hmm.

This all will sound like a broken record Madam Justice. The idea that death was scared of me. Or how I read about cowards meeting death, but the brave meet it but once. With Braxton’s passing and the fact that I killed him, I believe it should have been me first. Back in B.B. (Before B), I was someone like the “Man” from The Road (2009). I should be ashamed that B III has become somewhat a daily ritual, but he beats suicide. No worries, Madam, if I did take suicide “seriously,” B would never forgive me. I know that much. Madam Justice, to take such a step, I’d always blame people. As the song goes, “I’m no prophet or messiah,” looking towards the future…

I’m time traveling even further now. From May 2, 2021, to May 10, 2021. Has life gotten so bad that I need even more time to sleep? Who knows, but I’ve had some horrific ones. I’m a multiple suicide attempter… is that such a thing? Please don’t make me out to be Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill. Maybe I need something wrong to fail at to be good. Now my usual methods have been overdose, starvation, and dehydration. I didn’t eat or drink for a whole week, which landed me in the hospital. One lousy night some years back, Madam. I lost B once because I hadn’t eaten in 3 days, and I confessed to National Suicide Prevention. Braxton saved my life, Justice.

To think I failed him once because, after my hospital stay, my “father” told me B III had dirty drinking water, I was so out of it. Suicide wasn’t my shame but failing little Braxton. After the cops came because of my busy fingers chatting, my Olds cut me off. And I had to leave Braxton because I didn’t have a place I could bring him to. After that fuck-up… As I always told him, “I’ll be back.” I wasn’t allowed to die because he needed me. I AM a father. Braxton IS my son. Another reason I want Captain America’s shield, if you get killed, walk it off. The Day Job kills me, and without Braxton here and with all the hate I feel…

I Will Not Die Today

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 311 ~What’s A Mom, B~

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Well, it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow. My Ma still has her two and two grandchildren… my sister’s been busy. She’s down one furry grandson as I wasn’t the best father, yet here I am asking. What’s A Mom, B

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Gospel 311 ~What’s A Mom, B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but my Boy, my Braxton, he was an absolute genius. Are you serious? What’s a mom?

If this week hadn’t been absolute shit, I would have spent it answering that question. Mother’s Day is tomorrow; I have no semblance of a plan. Truth be told, I’ve been more focused on 100 days without my son, but yeah, the focus should be on moms; I know that. Again if I knew better, my conversation with Madam Justice would be all about Mom. Should I rewrite it? No, I’m lazy, which explains why I’m writing this so late, 6:00 AM. What my house is freezing and without B…

Well, I haven’t been hugged in what, 97 days? Of course, I could go and cut off the air, figure out a proper temperature. Hell, there is so much to do around here but hugging? Don’t worry, Lady Lu, I’m not going to get all Cotton Hill or even Hank talking about “women’s work.” Anybody can listen, right? I’ve been wondering does my Mom listen? Before I forget, a nice Christian girl reminded me that a Mom gives life. That above should trump everything, but what did I give Braxton. To be honest, Braxton’s dead.

I can’t stop saying that, you know, or to be more specific, I killed him.

That’s what you get when the fucking ASM takes away your peace at the Day Job. To be fair, I would only end up listening to “You Were Loved” by Whitney Houston. B III is loved, always and forever. Now stick with me here, but I’m about to compare Whitney to JFK so forgive me?

When somebody cares that you’re alive
When somebody trusts you with their life
That’s when you’ll know (huh)
That you have all you need ~ You Were Loved, Whitney Houston

“Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country,” John F. Kennedy

So back to my first question, what is a Mom? Braxton would know better having two, a grandmother and aunt.

“Mother is God in the eyes of a child.” Rose Da Silva – Silent Hill

“All I know is the child is my warrant, and if he is not the word of God, then God never spoke.” The Road (2009)

Is it “creepy” if I use the concepts of “Faith, Hope, and Love,” and I’m not getting married. Both my mother and son had those things. That goes without saying. I actually looked up the difference between Faith and Hope. And besides being good names for daughters. I’m still sticking with Katniss, Tris, and Ember, “Girls On Fire.” I’d like to believe my Ma still holds out hope for me. As for Love, well, THEY say God is Love, and you read Silent Hill’s words.

A question I don’t understand, but I promised B another Mom? What’s A Mom, B?

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 308 ~When Braxton Throws Shade~

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Many things went over B’s head, covers, underneath the bed, the roof of his dog house, the fact that I would bring his water to him, and he didn’t have to be so strong. Now he’s over my head, probably giving me that look. “When Braxton Throws Shade.”

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

Gospel 308 ~When Braxton Throws Shade~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I lie better than most. I lied plenty with Braxton. My ultimate betrayal, though…

Yes, allow me to be selfish, Inspector Echo. Hell, let Hank Hill be a better father than me. He said that he was never ashamed of Bobby. I can say I was never ashamed of Braxton, but on January 31, 2021. No, it wasn’t him; it had more to do with me when everyone saw he was dying. There was the moment I walked in with his things and then without him. Picking up remains…

Okay, now that I’ve cried a fourth time today. Inspector Echo, this is what I get for my time machine antics. It’s Saturday, May 1, 2021, so that means next week will be hot garbage SIGH. Yep much like the ASM. If I hadn’t been fired already. Yeah, throwing shade. Echo, I can share so many moments of B III throwing shade but let’s focus on the basics; it was going over his head. I mean that when Braxton would hide under the bed often enough, even on that final day. It wasn’t like he was going to die, right…

My brave boy was sick of me babying him all day long. I know this is an old story. How many times I said, “I’ll help you.” I brought his water to him, but he rejected it. Braxton could walk except out the front door, into the vet’s office, or out. That’s not funny, Echo. I remember the day I thought I lost him. I was all outside in the backyard looking for him calling, then rushing back into the house. B III was in his doghouse, waking to craziness. I can’t blame him; I mean, have you met me.

I make MCD’s look pretty good. There were many times he would sit in the Den waiting for me to show up. Nope, he wasn’t worried about my day. Just start sharing the fries. Serves me right how he died. He ignored me for love of food. And I hated humanity. Inspector Echo, he wasn’t fond of people either for sure. Let Daddy go out and deal with them while he keeps his head under the covers. Literally, Echo, the sun didn’t shine until I was home and opened the shades so he could tan. Now When Braxton Throws Shade…

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 306 ~Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself~

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The day after my son died, I traded a day of mourning for a morning at the Day Job. I gave up music to hear curses I’d level at a meathead jock asshole of an ASM. SIGH, I break “Rule 186” every day at the Day Job. Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself

Monday, May 3, 2021

Gospel 306 ~Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself~

Hundred And Eighty-Sixth Rule

Madame Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but would it be worth being a sell-out for this or that.

Not for Braxton’s life. I keep telling myself, I’m not moving into BARGAINING as of yet. People are too STUPID!!! My ANGER still rules but isn’t that one more way I have broken this rule. Take, for example, my Empathy for Apathy. No, worse, all I had left was ANGER. It’s the reason I hate the ASM and the Day Job so much. THEY remind me of killing my son by giving me the same weapon I did it with. I raged at them and, in turn, killed my boy, trying not to feel anything. When my tears threatened to wash away the blood… dammit. A meathead jock of an ASM had to fuck it all up for me. Now yes, Madam, I deserve Hell.

So with that being the case, I trade Hell for what, PRIDE? I won’t be leaving with that, I know. Um, listen to me, like I’ve been fired now. Yes, I’m back in the time machine because it’s Saturday, May 1. Last week was Hell, and this one isn’t shaping up at all. Friday, I felt a bit like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank, giving a bit of myself for my friend’s happiness. That’s a good way of putting it, Madam Justice. Andy Dufresne helped the other prisoners because he wanted to feel normal again. Indiana’s time has been shattering. If I were a God-fearing man, I would say I’m giving up silver and gold to pick up my cross. The smallest coffins are the heaviest.

How dare I right? Not only for saying that, but B III had a nice long life, but ask anyone with a furbaby. They will always be our children, and I let a fucking job try and destroy me. Braxton’s death has done that sure enough. Now all I have is that fucking Day Job. The Manager told me about my loyalty, and I would be willing to trade a decade of it for twenty days of hatred. It’s been seventy-two days since I met that bastard and ninety-two days now, so yes, twenty. Hell, I don’t even remember the man I was a ten-years prior. Only I’d trade the man I am now to be who I should have been for Braxton. Be Better… Trade But Don’t Betray Yourself.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 304 ~Will You Just B~

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I heard in a cartoon, cease becoming begin to be. I figured it was some fortune cookie wisdom, but then there’s the B I lost, my son. There’s my B minus life… that’s being generous. Ever seen my Six Impossible Things. Will You Just B, who’s that

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Gospel 304 ~Will You Just B~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I’ve been saying that for years. I’ve been dog-less for three months. 90 Days Lu

It’s official, B III and I have now been apart longer than ever. So I ask the question, yeah, will you just be? I don’t know who I am now. Lady Lu, I’m trying okay, like it was old times somehow yesterday, right. I dipped out of work, I dabbled in making a friend happy. Decisions, decisions, have never been my strong suit. Case and point… yes, I will never stop saying it, I killed Braxton. Trump has no idea what it means when he would say “die like a dog.” Speaking of which, I’m surprised I haven’t been fired from the Day Job yet. Talk about will you just be because those assholes think they have me all figured out. Why do zombies persist?

That’s a random question, for sure, Lady Luna. But it’s because nobody has figured them out. Sure Warm Bodies, World War Z, and I can probably name a show here or there that has an answer. My point is that they will continually return. With that, Will Bradford is dead. And you are dealing with somebody else now. Before you get all creeped out… well, not you Lady Lu but “Them,” Morgan Jones said this in Fear The Walking Dead. You know Morgan Jones is dead (Season 6×01). I won’t be what the fucking ASM wants. No way I refuse. I would settle for being the man I was with Braxton, although he was by no means a good one. Braxton would still be alive.

Should I be just like the son I lost? I eat the same meals every day, don’t I? I sleep way too much, but that’s because the man in the mirror won’t get off his lazy ass. I was way too hot. So I finally had to turn on the air conditioner. Now that means I’m cold, and now no B. I would rather cuddle B III than rest with all this hate in my heart. Can I even call it resting? Last night I didn’t eat dinner. I fell apart in the kitchen, yelling for Braxton. I came upstairs and climbed into bed and can’t tell you a thing about wrestling; I fell asleep.

Too busy becoming a sonless father. Will You Just B?

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Gospel 301 ~Can Count On B~

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15 years, 15 years, and near his 16th birthday found out here wasn’t here. I don’t know why I channeled Kanye West this morning, but I can always count on the background noise. Like me failing, or the Day Job, to make me mad. Can Count On B

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

Gospel 301 ~Can Count On B~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which isn’t something to be bragging about, considering when it comes to my son. Braxton counts.

How many times have I said it; Braxton’s Life Matters. Those are three little words like “I love you,” “I miss you,” “I’m sorry B,” “I’ll help you,” so it goes. Numbers Inspector Echo. Fifteen years Inspector Echo and I so want to say sixteen. Would twenty be enough for me? Hell, I wanted all of his tiny little tan/beige hairs to turn Grey. Braxton the Grey, or Braxton the White. Does that sound mean? No meaner than saying that he wanted to go. In two days, it will be official. Braxton and I haven’t been apart longer than two months and some change. But May 1 will mark three months. Will I still be crying every day for him? I shouldn’t jinx myself, hmm.

I keep talking about step two of the Five Stages of Grief. Inspector Echo, I don’t know if my anger has subsided yet. As usual, I am traveling the sands of time lost because indeed I am so. B III was my constant even in death. Today is April 22, and I’m lying in this bed. The ideas that come… not those, for I am still a monk. By the time I see this again, I won’t have 5000 words to worry about. Now that will mean I’ve done my first NaNoWriMo without B III. I don’t expect the feeling will change much but with my anger at the ASM. Let’s say I do publish. I make enough to quit the Day Job, a bargain.

No matter how much I get, none of it would buy back one day I lost with B. The last five that we would have. As the song goes, “All around me are familiar faces. Worn out places, worn out faces.” I see new babies, fur babies, and how many times have I said, No? Inspector, I lost my family. I don’t deserve another; not like any could compare. That’s the thought that keeps me here. One day I will run out of treats to place in Braxton’s room. Sooner or later, I will look at these Chihuahuas and, unlike God, will say I’m lonely. Always and forever, I will remember my son. He counted on me, and what happened? I Can Count On B.

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will