Tag: Creation

Tale 339 ~Virgil, To B Apart~

WillLeave a comment

“I know you were right, I can’t be fixed.” Tell that to Virgil. He got stuck with broken me. Is it good that I’m nuts because he doesn’t have any? Jokes aren’t getting us any closer. And Braxton’s further away. Women… Ha-Ha. “Virgil, To B Apart”

Tuesday, June 4, 2024

Tale 339 ~Virgil, To B Apart~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But those three little words, “I Love You,” are so far apart some days, love.

And I’m trying to figure out how to push them back together every day. Somehow. Taking Braxton’s ashes, with a bit of his fur and whatever else he left of himself, isn’t going to bring him back to me. Ladders can only go so high. Or how low I would have to go. That would be easier. But I’m still picking up the pieces of my broken heart. This mess

Those pieces are stopping me from finding the way to Hell. And looking into those pieces, do you know what I see? All the parts of this existence I love. Again, my love, I try.

But I’m no good with fixing things around the house. I couldn’t fix Braxton. What about our marriage? Not broken

Love has so many new parts now. Gigantic! A big, big love! Did I say that out loud? I can’t be that far gone when I want even more babies. If you’re up for that, my love. And isn’t that the whole point of existence? I believe that love is the answer. You know. Ha-Ha.

More to the point, the meaning of life… Seek out a kingdom “Worthy of Your Soul.” OK, I’ll turn the music off. But it’s a part of who I am. Only there are bigger parts. Um, well, you know that Baby Girl. OK, I’ll stop. But you would rather have me revved up than crying.

But I cried the whole time. Doesn’t matter had… relations.

Lies and jokes, my love…

I’m trying to find more parts of myself to help build us. And then there’s B III—boy, dog, son.

I want him to see from Heaven, The Rainbow Bridge, or wherever he ended up. My love, I need an existence so big that… What, he’ll find his way back? He’ll see my kept promise?

If I could love you, our family, and even Virgil so much, somehow, I could find my way into Heaven or build one for us. It takes so much. There are so many moving parts.

I have to get moving and start finding those parts. Lest Braxton and I, you and I, Virgil and I never find our way together. Humpty Dumpty. Fix. Even it out. Virgil, To B Apart

1220 Days Without B III, Day 661 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 332 ~ They’ll B Things, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Tell me that I could have Braxton back, and what thing would I give up. The phone, my por… my relationship collection. How about having an Enormous… uh. Well, I’m sure the Future Wife would miss that. But They’ll B Things, Virgil

Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Tale 332 ~ They’ll B Things, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… I love you. Much like “I am happy.” Such words do not come cheap or…

At all. When was the last time I told Braxton I love him? I’ve been more inclined to talk about time travel. Today’s Tuesday, May 21, 2024. By now, it’s been 1213 days without him.

And how many days since there’s been no word about him? I’m sure I screwed up somewhere down the line. It’s why his bed, toys, bowls, medicine, and comfy spots remain. My son’s things. I’m still mad about the very floor he once walked. Flooded. I wore glasses that finally gave up the ghost and broke. So now it’s like I have to see things as brand new. Even the DISH Network service he watched is gone. Yet another humiliation.

Watching wrestling and “other” things. The secrets I’ve tried keeping.

Not that I miss Braxton. Or that Virgil and I haven’t bonded in 654 days. How about the fact that our marriage, my love…? You and me, always and forever. Nothing changes that. How about the fact that I miss my Braxton so much? It makes me want you more.

It’s Physical Touch, Touch Starvation, Touch Deprivation, or my favorite, “Skin Hunger.” But I’ve said, “Everybody know I’m a… monster.” Zombie from S. Wolf’s novel.

And I believe I’ve had a revelation, my love. You know the things I want to do to you, baby girl. “I Want’a Do Something Freaky To You.” That is a secret kept from Braxton.

I once heard that when you want knowledge, money, success, or whatever, as badly as you want air. It is then that you’ll have it.

Only I can’t imagine wanting anything more than my son back. And to lose everything that I have seen my son tirelessly defend. The fence, the house, all of my little Braxton’s things, my love.

It’s why I deny myself. Everything, old and new, borrowed and blue. Haven’t I been saying I don’t feel like much of a man lately? But I’m your man. Again, always and forever. My love.

But the present is the thing. Love is a gift. A thought of caring like, Happy Birthday Cherry! The things I wanted from her. What I want from you, love. And V. To be happy.

We get that ourselves. The thing is, my Braxton’s still gone. They’ll B Things, Virgil.

1213 Days Without B III, Day 654 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 325 ~Virgil Can B Choosy~

WillLeave a comment

Do I have a choice? Yes. It’s why I look in the mirror, not the nightstand drawer. What? The world’s dangerous, and there’s Heaven, Hell, or the Rainbow Bridge, which I believe my Braxton found. But it wasn’t his choice. Virgil Can B Choosy

Tuesday, May 21, 2024

Tale 325 ~Virgil Can B Choosy~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… A choice? Sure. One that can’t be undone. Our children. My son, Braxton. Even Virgil.

The things that come into my world. But I didn’t choose the world. It’s been a hard few days living in it. And yes, if my B were still here, the past 1206 days would have been no question. Now, that is a lie. But like the promise I made to you. Always and forever.

Whenever I walked out the door, there were three phrases, three words each. “I’ll be back,” “Love ya, B,” and “Love ya Braxton.” No matter what happened, I love Braxton.

That was enough to survive, whatever. And then you ask, what about you? The kids? It’s my choice to come back to my family. I choose you, lover, every day. But it’s a hard choice. I know I sound selfish.

It’s like looking in a mirror. When I see myself even after all this time. I want to do my best Johnny Cash impression. “I hurt myself today.” If I could see myself like Braxton.

Pure love. I’ve told the story time and time again of when my Olds were moving, and Braxton was standing there. “Get in the car!” I yelled. Braxton did not hesitate. He made his choice. B III didn’t know where it would lead, but that choice to love was enough.

Virgil didn’t get that choice. And you, my love, didn’t choose to love, whatever it is I have become. A man of constant sorrow. Because even the choice of me getting up seems too much.

I wake up feeling robbed.

Braxton wasn’t stolen. If I blame anyone for his passing, it’s a former Day Job and my indifference. And that’s why “I Feel Everything.” Grief and sorrow seem the safest.

There was a time when I existed as “lust’s passion will be served…” As if that’s changed with all I do. I’m still in business, after all. The books, babes, and bucks. I want it all. Braxton, though, will not be a part of that. And now choosing to be here. Right here, this moment.

“It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.” A thousand choices shout praises! But make one.

Loving you? I will. Doing right by family. Yes. Existing without my boy? I’m here!

Choose to be happy? Staying enough? Virgil Can B Choosy

1206 Days Without B III, Day 647 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 318 ~Virgil’s Drowning Risk B~

WillLeave a comment

My fears? Braxton’s passing, which I survived… My Olds who are very much alive, and neither one has put me in the ground yet. Then drowning. I even turned off Far Cry 5 when I saw that happening. But Virgil is off and crying? Virgil’s Drowning Risk B

Tuesday, May 14, 2024

Tale 318 ~Virgil’s Drowning Risk B~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… Enough to keep your head above water. Or do I lay my coat over puddles at your feet, my love?

Do I want to be a gentleman today? As with most days—well, let’s say 1199 of them—I want to be a man. I won’t say a happy man, but a man provides. And I’m trying. I always am.

But, my Braxton is gone.

Again, I’m trying to keep Virgil from the same fate. For as long as I can. He has a veterinary appointment tomorrow, so AHEM:

“Shots,
shots,
shots,
shots,
shots,
shots!”

Not a day goes by that I don’t remember the last two that B took. Or was it three? Hmm.

“Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame.” I did that to my furry son. And now to my lovely wife? You’re still here, but Braxton isn’t. What about me?

I’m keeping my head above water. But nobody likes seeing that. So I’m lying here. Waking up, I gasp for air with an expletive upon my lips. No wonder Virgil stays off the bed. And our other children? If I can go through the day without mentioning Braxton. Or saying anything scandalous or scary or that makes someone else sad. Not even now, love. As I can exist… without happiness. I can’t without sadness or FEAR. It won’t go away.

If I am going to wake up wet, with bad words, and wanting another baby. I’d rather be with you, yeah. You keep drowning me in your love. Are you crying from all the laughter, pleasure from… or relief from me not talking about Braxton?

Sigh. Even a sigh means that I’m still breathing. I’m alive. Only the flooding never stops, my love. It’s been raining for so long. And I’m sure even Braxton’s Aunt has grown sick of me. She said she would bring a boat if we ever had another situation like Noah and God’s Wrath, as read in the Bible. But both she and you never knew it would be B III’s passing that would bring this.

I understand what you’re asking of me. I’m a drowning man pulling you under. You’re asking me, when will I grow. Life gave me lemons; I can’t make it lemonade. And I’ll make apple juice because I need to see a doctor. And no man is an island. Water, water, everywhere. Virgil’s Drowning Risk B

1199 Days Without B III, Day 640 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 311 ~Virgil, That’ll B Love~

WillLeave a comment

Love’s not out there. There’s not much love in here, either. If I want to find Love and Happiness. Can I do better than an Al Green song? There are books on love. I don’t have pretty women waitin’ out there. And B’s gone. Virgil, That’ll B Love.

Tuesday, May 7, 2024

Tale 311 ~Virgil, That’ll B Love~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… Always, be it all of two seconds, twenty seconds of insane courage, or the best thirty seconds of my life. (Snickers).

Give me a minute, my love. Am I trying to be funny? Perhaps because laughter is my shield against tears. They say if you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything. But if you can make a woman cry… I don’t want to do that unless it’s tears of joy that I’ve brought to your eyes.

I lost happiness way before I lost my firstborn, and I’ve only been out looking for one. I swear love has many different faces. And nowadays, all I see is tears in the eyes of all those around me. But I don’t count myself in that. My tears are all for my son, my Braxton.

God is love? Braxton is love. So are you. But what comes through that door…

You know me, my love. I’m no conservative. A man of tradition? A man provides. Husbands, Fathers, and real men do that. Mine did that. And I had the things I had before you, even before B III. How can I say that he doesn’t love me? I fear I can’t do the same for our family. Fixing things, Grieving…

Again, a man provides, and that has to be enough—all the money in the world. So, I call myself a man because I give this family what it needs. You’ll never go without—ever!

Virgil, our furry “son.” seems to sense my unease. He’s eating well, has his bed and comfy spots, and has even given you more room since he no longer sleeps on the bed. His eyes, like the flickering signal on our DISH Network, tell a different story. They reflect the uncertainty and worry that I’m grappling with. Blankness and emptiness

Love, my dear, is a force that can transcend financial constraints. It’s about the intangible things that money can’t buy, the things that all the wealth in the world couldn’t have saved Braxton from. Yet, I believe in its power. Would I have noticed his condition sooner if I hadn’t been so consumed with work? I wonder, love. These are the questions that haunt me.

Let me tell you what I don’t see: love being advertised, even with all the Mother’s Day stuff everywhere. I’ll always love my Mama, but I hope she takes that love and passes it to her grandchildren and Virgil, too. I love you and hope you take it for our little ones and, yes, Virgil as well. But love for me? To be open instead of broken. Everything is broken, always. Virgil, That’ll B Love

1192 Days Without B III, Day 633 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 304 ~Virgil, Time To B~

WillLeave a comment

What time is it? Before writing wedding vows, I’ll list the top ten questions I hate the most. Like, what are you reading? It’s even furry kids or flirty women. Either way, they go down. Eww! No time for g-d jokes. “Virgil, Time To B.”

Tuesday, April 30, 2024

Tale 304 ~Virgil, Time To B~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… My love for you is boundless; it’s a feeling that grows with each passing day. If life is a game, then love is the instruction booklet. Learning to play again

I’m not sure how much I believe I can now. Do I love my girl or my grief more, love?

And here come the waterworks. I swear the last thing I need is to cry. I haven’t got the flooding from last year out of my mind. It was a water heater and an air filter… (Grumbles). There’s a reason I haven’t turned on the air conditioner yet. What? But even if we’re billionaires, I’m protecting the hearth and home. If only “he” were here…

My firstborn, my Braxton. Always and forever. I promised my son and you, my love. Only it’s been a while since it’s been just us. But B is in my heart and head on Sunday, April 28, 2024. He’ll be here when you see this Tuesday, April 30, 2024. It’s funny that I can’t time-travel past my mourning and grief.

My groin or you G-Spot. I’m sure the critic would love to hear about that—a time when I’m not Braxton’s Dad. And we have kids of our own. Let me be a man, and you are my woman. Period.

Inevitably, I go back to crying about Braxton. I didn’t pour the Bisquick, but Braxton… Yeah, Braxton will always be my pancake. And there isn’t a time without missing him.

That’s one thing he has over our kids. “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing a (blah) door?!” When Braxton was alive, how many times did I have intimate moments with anyone? Seriously!? 161 celibate…

That’s why I relate somewhat to Ethan from the book Bikini Days by Michael Dalton. Ethan’s daughter makes him swear off women after Ethan’s wife walks out on them. I’ll Never Fall In Love Again. My Braxton was much better.

He wouldn’t want me to swear off the things or those I love. I’m sure he would have loved you. And if he could see his siblings, I’ll even include Virgil in that. But the time, my love. If only you could feel as I do. The breath I took after Braxton’s very last one.

Everything feels wrong. It’s as if I have all the time in the world and then none at all, love. I keep talking about turning forty and if somehow I can make that… Anything, love.

There’ll be time to read Bikini Dawn. Thankfully, it will come out before E-Day. I’ll still be thirty-nine, my love!

Live, learn, and love myself, us, this family, always and forever. Virgil, Time To B

1185 Days Without B III, Day 626 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 297 ~ That’ll B Lovely, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

Life is… beautiful? Everything is… awesome? That’ll be… lovely. And how about existence? I hate this phrase, but “it is what it is.” If something is “good” for others, that is great. Then there’s my boys and their lives, Huh. That’ll B Lovely, Virgil

Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Tale 297 ~ That’ll B Lovely, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right… But what does that mean now? That I pay? Part of me yearns for you…

Probably you want me to close my eyes, close my eyes, and relax, think of nothing tonight… That nothing is my firstborn son, Braxton. And tonight? It’s Thursday, April 18, 2024. Braxton is still gone. And this coming week? God, I want to join him.

Braxton is love. So are you. So are they. The family we have made together, this existence, the life that we share… I didn’t ask some father in heaven or one down here on Earth.

Love, I didn’t even ask the one I see staring back at me through the mirror. So, what did I want in this existence? It doesn’t come with a menu. But how much is that doggie in the window? I don’t know. Braxton was/is lovely.

And now I sit here in bed. Why… After seeing that little face. The touch of B III’s soft fur. I would hear Braxton’s happiness every time I returned. The taste of food before sharing.

Smell… please ew. In fifteen years, B learned to go outside. And “with that in mind, a soft, nice-smelling girl’s better.” With all the songs I listen to, why can’t I hear I love you?

I know you do, baby. Despite me being a baby. And you asking me anything and everything except the obvious. Because if you ever did, it would be cruel, ugly, and vile, my sweet love. And I’m trying. When I saw V, I thought, “That’ll be lovely.” A fur kid.

His life’s far from lovely.

But again, what about ours? What About Us, What About The Rest Of Us? Anyone? Indeed, everyone is asking me that. And it’s not fair to any of you. To just be lovely, like something to be picked up for dinner. I mean, there’s lovely. And then there’s, well, more. I can sing Isn’t She Lovely about each of our daughters. And what about our sons. I hope they are better men than me. Wasn’t B III, and what about Virgil? Hmm. Virgil Vivi’s trying.

Everything is lovely and awesome. But I want it to be… Well, how it never will be. Braxton should be here to see it. And if I can love as my firstborn son loved me, love. That’ll B Lovely, Virgil

1178 Days Without B III, Day 619 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tale 135 ~Knowledge Of Destruction Breeds Creation~

WillLeave a comment

The opposite of war isn’t peace. It’s creation. How many tales did I write with B here? I ain’t much, but the two of us were a family. I am his Dad. And when he lay dying, I created beliefs, birthdays, and BS. Knowledge Of Destruction Breeds Creation

Monday, November 13, 2023

Tale 135 ~Knowledge Of Destruction Breeds Creation~

Three-Hundredth And Seventeenth Rule

Madam Justice
Rules Are Made To Be Broken… So, I bought a gun in 2020. It’s the End of the World As We Know It…

Or so THEY thought… And that was over STUPID things… I can’t get a haircut. Starbucks may have a bad year. Trump doesn’t get to brag about a booming economy. Hell! 2020 should have been our year, Braxton and me. Only, no wasteland or zombies. And if I couldn’t live it out, I should have been writing about it while I had the time. Hmm. The end was extremely effing nigh! What was I doing when “The Man Comes Around? That he did in 2021 for my son. Where were my big plans then? My promises. The graffiti with punctuation, which is us talking right now. What’s that? Destruction, Creation? Madam, in the end, I breed a million excuses because I’m not breeding anything else.

Gross! I know, Madam, sorry. But the truth is that everybody dies. “Daddy… everyone dies.” I can imagine Braxton telling me that. Or was it Katie in the movie “1408?” Sometime last night, Braxton sent me a song from the Foo Fighters, “DOA.” I’m crazy. That’s true enough. But the things that come up when I can’t listen to audiobooks or music at the Day Job. It was pain. The idea is that every hurt and pain is a step closer. Because what can I do as a person? Someone asked me at the Day Job how old I was. Ha! I’m ashamed to be thirty-nine. And over the past few days, I’ve been saying I must do better. I’m at the dining room table.

But the fact is that every day, I’m devolving, being destroyed, dying, my dear Madam. And with full knowledge of what’s happening, what am I doing? Can anything be done? That’s what this rule is all about. When Braxton was here… for his life… I would have found a way. Only that’s a lie, Madam. Because in fifteen years, I could have been doing something to save him. Let’s not count the first twenty years of existence. I would have never met him if I had been “Successful.” I had to be so wrecked for the Heavens to create a life like him. B waited as long as he could for me to bring new life for us, for me. Knowledge Of Destruction Breeds Creation

1016 Days Without B III, Day 457 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 250 ~Bruh, By, Bye Love~

WillLeave a comment

No, I’m not “religious.” I love No Strings Attached Sex, FWB, and saying hi to my monster as much as anybody. Not as much as being Braxton’s Dad but a close second. Sex does have a purpose, though, other than fun and beauty. Life… Bruh, By, Bye Love.

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

Chronicle 250 ~Bruh, By, Bye Love~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but by the sweat of my brow? All the beauty in creation but being a creator?

I am struggling over whether to confess. That I’m not much of a creator? True enough, but there is more. Braxton, he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, baby girl; you can easily see your effect on me. I’m just a man, only human. The knowledge that I’m a father when I look at our children… I still cry every day for Braxton. 401 days and still counting. But looking at the family we have made together brings more tears of joy and gladness. I can’t swim, but I haven’t drowned as of yet. Babydoll, it always comes back to why all this beauty ends up in my hands. Hell, why aren’t I jealous when not by these hands hmm?

There’s much to be rage about, Spotify, the destruction of this world, hatred of self. Inevitable but let me fall back into the music, “With Arms Wide Open.” It would be those lines, “If I had just one wish, only one demand. I hope he’s not like me. I hope he understands.” But I look to the signs but not the ones I’ve been reading about. But why do I have a hard time finishing writing books or making anything? “Why do the things I hate come so naturally?” That’s “Dance On Our Graves” Paper Route. To bring beauty to the world… I’ve said that Braxton was the best man I know. If he was so perfect, what’s that say about me, his Daddy? Am I good? “Bye Bye, Love…”

Damn! You know something; I should talk to robots more often because I got it. I talk plenty about hatred and pain. In another life, I studied torture. I always looked at it as a means of intelligence gathering. But there is something else, babydoll. Torture is fun. Same with sex, making love, fucking, pardon my language. Yes, fucking is all kinds of fun. Again, next to being Braxton’s Daddy, it’s the best thing ever. But as I keep saying, fatherhood is the epitome of manhood. Making love also means the chance to create life. Braxton was not a life I made, but he is my own. I thank everything for you. The children… a joint effort. To fear losing life… Bruh, By, Bye Love

Gospel 250 ~Consider Threats Like Any Invitation~


401 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Episode 327 ~For A Willing Canvas~

WillLeave a comment

I was never one for painting, and with my writing, I said something about creating a God and letting him put the world together and that has to spill out into the waking world, and there is plenty of room. For A Willing Canvas so?

Friday, May 24, 2019

Episode 327 ~For A Willing Canvas~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Millionaire right now, more than that if we’re counting every poem, story, and word. I’m not about to throw a Trump Tantrum about never having an audience. Don’t get me wrong; it’s been almost two years, so it’s about passion and desire. An OBSESSION which has gotten me into more trouble than anything. Porn, I can make it through the day. Twitter is a crap shoot. I’ve only spoken with Cherry, but I’m staying out of my pictures today.

The problem is everything is a canvas. I spoke yesterday about the “White Walls,” but you see why I prefer black. Only, it doesn’t allow you to say anything when you bathe in black. Now that would be a decent political metaphor. When I’m asleep, there are no worries. I saw a tick on B III’s ear last night so big concern. The thing is, getting it off became my goal. This morning I went and got a haircut so I won’t be pulling my hair out. What about black women? Again, please understand, all women are trouble in one shape or another. Now, this isn’t racism talking; African American women usually spell trouble. Do I sound weak I can’t handle some independent, Nubian queen while white women run away?

I’ll tell you there were a few that had the decency to shoot me down with dignity. The others; no, I don’t want to mention them today, it’s been rather good. Still, for the record, I prefer the women in books. How about those that I think about in my shower? In my new house, all black everything but the pages Lady Sophia will remain my asylum.

Along with the girl I marry. Only, “Think And Grow Rich” talks about having a definite purpose. You know my battle colors, red and black, Queen Daenerys Targaryen, a woman after my own heart. Now what I should see is gold and green. Those Lady Sophia are a testament of the artistic world.

Why do you think green has symbolized the color of creation often? Yes, I like nature, but give me the green I seek, and I will build a brand new world. Gold blinds us but with the black within me, which is worse? The black though now that comes from the mind, body, and soul where will I put it, women for A Willing Canvas.

I Will Have No Fear