Tag: Desire

Log 280 ~Time Is A Cruel Bastard~

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What time is it? I swore I lost my watch yesterday, so I spent $15.00 buying a new one, and what was hiding under my seat? What I even left the house for? Woke up this mornin’, got yourself a gun. “Time Is A Cruel Bastard” and what it’s making me… hm

Monday, April 6, 2020

Log 280 ~Time Is A Cruel Bastard~

Hundred And Thirty-First Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I don’t have to go out. Well, at least until; my would you look at the time. As always, Madam Justice, like Professor Hulk, “Time Travel!” “Time, time, time, see what’s become of me,” as the song goes. In all these years, even minute to minute, I’m changing, rearranging, and estranging the man I am. From the one I want to be or have to, I’m not sure. So if you wouldn’t call me a bastard, then what am I.

A gun owner for starters. Now I started to say something, but I signed paperwork yesterday. You know how Cherry has me afraid someone is reading this currently. Anyway yeah, I stood in line for hours to as the song goes, “Woke up this mornin’ Got yourself a gun.” I’m a pervert, but that’s always been the truth. Whitney Wright was talking about “FREE PORN’ on Brazzers, so of course, I’m in. Minutes after, I looked up one of her films first, “Wh*re Tornado.” Before you get mad, you should consider what I usually look up as time goes by. It gets darker, more depraved, or even disgusting. I feel sick, but not because of that. No, it’s not the Coronavirus (COVID-19) either. It’s the feeling I got when I first picked up my gun. I want my zombies Madam Justice. Only this is the first time I’ve held a tool that has but one encompassing purpose in this world.

I’m a father, but what have I done for My Dæmon lately? He has his food, his meds, comfy spots, but in all this time, I’m still not the Dad I should be for him. Case and point I should have talked to you earlier and be playing with him now. One more morning of cutting off my alarm. How about the fact that I’m still alone? The two women I talked to yesterday and I’m upset about the one that stopped me at the door to the store. Madam Justice, that interaction will haunt me for the next week. I’m a writer, and then I’m not because; how many words did I write yesterday. I didn’t even reach the quota because of all the lines I was standing in because instead of life, what?

Munitions, masks, my monster in my pants, how I know, Time Is A Cruel Bastard.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 273 ~Faith, In You, In Something~

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Well, a different rule but repeated actions. I had faith that I would write something, look at the book, go shopping, and back to it being 3:00 PM trying not to look at women, playing TWD until 5:30 PM. I believe I’m lazy. Faith, In You, In Something

Monday, March 30, 2020

Log 273 ~Faith, In You, In Something~

Hundred And Thirtieth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but how many times do I have to say it before I believe it? When I was so young, I grew up in the AME church. I remember saying something to the tune of, on these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. Those were about loving God and loving your neighbor. Now I can’t say I do much of either anymore, but what two things do I repeat every day. I AM a Millionaire, Billionaire, Trillionaire, and I Will Have No Fear. The Law of Attraction. Allow me to try my best “Trinity” impression.

I believe “that girl” from last night wasn’t playing me for a fool. (Friday Night) I met this girl on Whisper. She was sweet, a mom, pretty, etc. So you’re asking me why no cute nickname? Well, haven’t heard from her at all today, and of course, that could mean anything. Do you see how quickly the negative thoughts come through? I could get played; I wasted the day, I’ll never get to sleep on time SIGH. I believe that we’ll have this conversation, but that doesn’t take much faith at all. Here we are, another day, okay, I promise I’ll stop it with the negativity. I believe AHEM I believe that I’ll go out tomorrow and gather much-needed supplies. We’re not starving, of course, but you know what it means when I set my clock for a twenty-minute nap? Not a “dang” thing ever.

You don’t know quite how badly I want to belt out the Blessid Union of Souls’ version of “I Believe.” Ironically, I believe by Monday night; when I finally post this, I’ll have a new gun. Life in the plague era and I’ve never once thought about getting sick; oh yeah, that Regal Popcorn. Anyway, I believe that I can keep “it” in my pants, and no, I’m not talking about a gun. I’m still working on my novella “The Eve of a Cherry,” and the two female leads well. It’s not like I’ve ever needed an excuse right, but at least I fixed two hundred errors today. Last but not least, ha-ha, I want to say that I believe in myself. I was talking to Cherry the other day and repeated all my dreams.

Why shouldn’t I, I ask, a man with “something” to do? All I need is Faith, In You, In Something.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 266 ~Don’t Do Better, Be Better~

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I made it to the table, I sat right there to write, and I said today I will do better than yesterday, cut to waking up at 3:00PM trying not to stare at girls until five, maybe do some reading ha. “Don’t Do Better, Be Better.”

Monday, March 23, 2020

Log 266 ~Don’t Do Better, Be Better~

Hundred And Twenty-Ninth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which makes me better than you. A lie if I ever heard one, but what the world teaches, or is that what they call “The American Dream?” You must excuse me for turning on the politics and make no mistake I’m proud to be an American. The thing is though my country hasn’t done much, especially now to show what makes us good, better, or best. Madam Justice, as I sat at the dining room table, not writing (600 Words BARELY). I was much like Rapunzel from the movie Tangled, um okay.

“I am a despicable human being!” – Rapunzel, Tangled (2010)

Let’s begin as I always do with my Six Impossible Things, which is still about being a better man. It’s not Thursday (Saturday Actually), and I have a stomachache for a “particular” reason. Madam Justice, if I do use toilet paper, it will be for another mess. I could say my writing is worse. All these days are blending as my composing is Lady Sophia’s wheelhouse. Anyway, I was creating another character and what did Rapunzel say again. Still, on the subject of not going anywhere, I’m not much of a homeowner either, nor at all, my Olds have the mortgage. Well, besides finally hearing from my Mom, the back porch had a bit of a meltdown. I haven’t bothered to clean up all the dirt though My Dæmon got his walk. Of course, I make lists Sunday, but here is a couple to ponder.

Random Problems:

  1. Dang Humming in the Den
  2. Toilet Seat, half-bath
  3. Water Filter
  4. Roof Repair
  5. Second Car
  6. Clean the house
  7. Broken Drawer
  8. Norton

Novella Characters (At Present):

  1. Cherry Roslyn Fae
  2. Anna Cecilia Fae
  3. Caitlin Grace Clayborn
  4. Rini Aubrie Westfall
  5. River Nelle McKinney – “Debbie” The Cheerleaders (1973) Brandy Woods
  6. Amorette Anissa Lucita – Alahna Ly
  7. Cade Xavier Cosgrove
  8. Win William Bridgman – Me

Now, of course, you’re asking me what does any of this have to do with today’s rule. A good man would fix what is wrong with his HOME, isn’t that what this should be Madam Justice. A better one would have typed out 5000 words today. The Best Man wouldn’t destroy these characters and my shame at naming five of them. I sit beneath the covers saying tomorrow, DO IT, which means NEVER. Well, at least according to my motivations.

Don’t Do Better, Be Better.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 259 ~Words Chosen Carefully Are Best~

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Well, perhaps my greatest weapon is silence. People think I’m STUPID when most days it’s how not to go to jail and then I come here and what do I say, here you go officer Exhibit A and lying? “Words Chosen Carefully Are Best”

Monday, March 16, 2020

Log 259 ~Words Chosen Carefully Are Best~

Hundred And Twenty-Eighth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but rich people trust everyone else to be STUPID. My apologies for using that word again and for thinking it ever. The truth though Madam Justice, well what is right or fact. I want to talk about my words, but then the question is, who am I?

How I like to think I pick my words for a purpose, but over the past few days, it has only been a jumble. For some time now, I look at my words like I’ll be played out to Exit Music (For A Film), my “dang” fingers and dirty mind.

Let’s start there with my trying not to swear. Don’t get me wrong; there will be a time and place for it, Madam Justice. I’ve heard people talk about foul language as a sign of high intelligence. I still find it crass and tacky unless in the right context or you’re a hot Irish girl, thank you, Katie O’Shaughnessy. Speaking of women, I see myself talking one of three ways, one as “Beggin.” The second is logical; I got money, and what do I spend that money on, WOMEN. Third, a man should be a man. I’m a Dominant for God’s sake. Only how many times have I got in trouble for being direct, forward, aggressive, dangerous? The internet seems to think so too, can I look up anything that can’t find it’s way into sex? Today (Saturday Morning), I had to write down exactly what I was doing to keep focus. I would say I should make a grocery list, but yeah, the store.

What’s the word they’re using now, um Pandemic. I talk about it being the Plague Era, and I’m not afraid. Well, I’m still joking, but I haven’t ever seen Walmart like that. I continue to use the word “excited” because I am, I built worlds off of an apocalypse. Someone could discover Audible from my stories someday, I wonder. Don’t get me wrong; I still like Audible, but it’s hard sometimes because I get so caught up in the story. Yeah, it’s pretty strange, huh I can’t keep it in my pants, I’m still hearing Rainey moaning away “Daddy.” Last is my son, who can say what he wants and knows I’ll always listen close. Three words, I Love You otherwise I’d never know them. What else can I say? Words Chosen Carefully Are Best.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 252 ~Heart Hurts More Than Body~

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My Ma would tell me to go easy with all the seasoning salt. I’ve got quite a long history with women, plus I have my furry kid, I haven’t had a heart attack yet, but I know all about broken hearts. Heart Hurts More Than Body.

Monday, March 9, 2020

Log 252 ~Heart Hurts More Than Body~

Hundred And Twenty-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, if only because I refuse to see a doctor. Not because I’m afraid. Indeed in this time of plague with the Coronavirus (COVID-19), I’m excited. Now I know that doesn’t sound right, and it shouldn’t, not until there are zombies. Okay, I’ll stop, I know I’m not funny. I’ve never laughed so much until it hurts. Madam Justice, I’m not one for self-harm. Fists at drywall, STUPID things while people watch. Giving into FAPPING (it’s Saturday). Anyway, my body takes a lot, but what about my heart?

Most recently, what I said about Cherry and I don’t mean my novella. I speak my heart to you and the others Madam Justice. No secrets, but you and I both know that’s a lie. If I told you everything, then we would see the end, and that’s how you know I’m not suicidal. Still, it happens the same way; I try to talk to one girl, I speak innocence to another, I don’t tell one more and wham. I’m having a “Harriet the Spy” moment because it’s like they weren’t supposed to see that. I put my heart out here so the body can keep going. The thing is nobody wants my heart. I think that’s why I’ve been down as of late. If I don’t write out how I am, the body keeps it in, and I “mess” up, horny, hatred, heartfelt, whatever.

Women though SIGH, let’s talk about something else that hurts my heart, My Dæmon. My little boy is getting older; he’s bumping into walls, avoiding his walks on cold days, sleeping more. Then again, I’m in bed, and he only wants to be near his Dad. I’m still not working on my stories, and I miss them—what a waste of the day. Somebody took my shift at the Day Job and how did I spend it, Madam Justice, lying here looking at the usual. Even my FEAR of my father doesn’t have me doing anything. Okay, so hurting my friends or them getting hurt, Indiana Gone told me she got punched in the face. My little boy and my writing, what more do I love in this world. The man in the mirror that is such a waste that it hurts to witness myself.

Only the body doesn’t quit, fingers, eyes, ears, dang humming, Heart Hurts More Than Body.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 245 ~Pretending Is Optional, Not Requisite~

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One more story so I can pretend to be a writer, I can say I have more time, but if I don’t do anything with it, and I’m starting back listening to my motivations as if I believe I will be inspired. Pretending Is Optional, Not Requisite

Monday, March 2, 2020

Log 245 ~Pretending Is Optional, Not Requisite~

Hundred And Twenty-Sixth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or so I pretend as such. You know Madam Justice, I’ve never been a fan of that saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Well, my motivations say otherwise. The law of attraction, positive affirmations, my current novella. At the moment, I’m unsure because sitting right here on this loveseat; I don’t have to pretend. The “dang” HUMMING is driving me crazy. In the shower this morning, I was breaking down, if you know what I mean. Going out into the world, I was scared to death.

As the song goes, “If I could be like that.” Again I think of my hero Dennis Hof. He was a Pimp, parent of a dog, and he penned a book. Two out of three right, Madam Justice? Sometimes I walk around like I’m a pimp, but as I’ve been saying a lot these days, things are falling apart. What about my story, am I giving up already? Last night I wanted to, no question. I’m three parts in, and I don’t know where I’m going. In chapter four, Minister Bridgeman is, of course, starting to give away his “holy man” ways duh. What about being a rich man at all? How much money did I send today, gorging myself? Didn’t I have a conversation about not spending money on a new Kindle and an HP Printer? Relax, I didn’t because even pretending to be reasonable is something else entirely.

I pretend to be, well, I’m not even a comedian anymore, I’m only the punchline. What’s sickening though is at the Day Job, I’m upset that I didn’t go in today. It’s (Saturday, February 29) LEAP DAY, which of course, I spaced on. Am I pretending to be a writer, Madam Justice? Getting back into my motivations, one says you’re either a writer or not. I’m not pretending to be a writer, but instead that anything I put down makes perfect sense. I’m living in the moment, and I don’t know what any of this means. My pretending is becoming real but only the worse things. If I may quote another song, “Why do the things I hate come so naturally.” One more reason I sleep all the time. But isn’t that, well “pretend that we’re dead.” I’m not suicidal.

When will I stop pretending Madam Justice, better yet how? Pretending Is Optional, Not Requisite.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 238 ~It Scares You, Do It~

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Is the BBQ that good, am I so concerned about a few extra cents in my bank account, and why I’m not afraid of the dark, I still hate driving at night, but then you ask how do I go out on dates. I’m the Beast, so where’s Beauty. “It Scares You Do It.”

Monday, February 24, 2020

Log 238 ~It Scares You, Do It~

Hundred And Twenty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that makes life a whole lot easier. Now I won’t lie to you Madam Justice, my “obsession” with money is a cover for FEAR. You know I’m always one to trade one vice for another. I choose LUST over WRATH. Let me have GREED over SLOTH. Last night I took to GLUTTONY over ENVY. Okay, so what about PRIDE. Madam Justice this leads me to today’s lesson, what am I afraid of; well everything but we don’t have that kind of time. While I was out though last night, I did have thoughts of “Rainbow Girl.”

You remember her, The Rainbow Girl. How I twice asked her out (online) to dinner and a movie. So there I was last night it’s been a full year since she blocked me, of course. Anyway, I’m picking up BBQ in the dead of night, and I can hardly breathe. What about Indiana Gone’s Wedding. I won’t say I love the girl, and in truth, I was angry. Madam Justice, I was mad I had to drive 750+ Miles to her wedding, facing highways, the FEAR of my Olds, and losing money. For some reason, though, I thought I was going to meet a girl. Let me tell you a story about Cherry. I work my Day Job; I have so many novels, poetry, a whole blog. Only I’m writing poetry and short stories for her Madam Justice. I’m reading her work because that’s what she wants. Oh, and how I listen to her about her greatest love of all.

Noticing a pattern, well, maybe not, but I was hungry last night, and I chose to eat well rather than grab a burger. I would go all out for a woman. An opportunity would temper my anger. I work harder rather than stay in bed, and yes, Madam Justice, I made my bed today. Women make me brave, but why not show any PRIDE? I cannot contain my FEAR, and I do not FEAR any woman. Well, except my Mom, she’ll kick my “butt” if I don’t vote. Remember to VOTE people; we must stop Trump and his legion of sycophants and Bloomberg too. What scares me Madam Justice is myself, my desires. My “Dom-Hood,” the dangerous disease called LOVE.

It scares me to be me, so what’s the rule, It Scares You, Do It.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 123 ~Writing To The Will~

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With all this writing on the brain, I didn’t have time to mention two of my greatest fears this morning; one more thing to be grateful for, but I’ll see how I feel around 10:00 AM only then I should find myself lost to my words. “Writing To The Will”

Friday, November 1, 2019

Log 123 ~Writing To The Will~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and still, I say to you, Happy NaNoWriMo. If I had all the money in the world, my writing isn’t going anywhere. Yes, I heard what I said, and with the chance of sounding like Trump, you know what I mean. I’m like Finn from Great Expectations, that’s the 1998 movie for those paying attention. Do you know how long I gave up writing only to come back to it? Well, this morning an hour late but Eric Thomas wakes up at 3:00 AM. My motivations say to wake up at 4:00 AM and to start the day with gratitude so.

I’m grateful that I haven’t awoken to an Ant Invasion. You know me far too well, Lady Sophia, the BUT is that it hasn’t been twenty-four hours even. In the kitchen, there’s already a box of ant killers, and I ordered more. Now that leads me to more gratitude as in Chinese food delivery and Walmart shopping. Okay, but I’m spending even more money because I don’t want to get it myself ever. I already told you it’s NaNoWriMo season, so why am I looking at a copy of Fallout 4? Today I’m expecting Far Cry 5, and you know I get Motion Sickness. Speaking of sickness, I’m thankful for non-recurring payments. Teen Starlet cut off my access, yay. Of course, they did that while I was in the process of downloading one more girl. Fifty-Nine in total, so I got most of who I wanted, so plenty of inspiration.

So like those witches, I started to talk about, but that was in another novel. What about the one I should be writing after our conversation. Whenever I decide to leave temptation, hell, I could have gotten a lot more sleep. Strangely that’s what this story might be saying. Only a little less sleep and a lot more Chronomentrophobia. Why is everyone I write about so much smarter, stricter, and even sexually adept? Am I trying to tell myself something? I say that about my dreams all the time, and last night it was about a marriage. Indiana Gone was also in it and a bag of Mesquite Barbecue Chips. Her faith and all the junk food I’m going to need to get this done. How about characters, protagonist, doctor, love interest, someone else, etc.

SIGH, Writing To The Will.

I Will Have No Fear

Log 116 ~Those Who Will Tell~

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Last week around this time, I said I had no energy to tell my story because it was merely a cloud of fear surrounding me, and even sitting in bed back where I belong, there is still so much. Those Who Will Tell because it might not be me anymore

Friday, October 25, 2019

Log 116 ~Those Who Will Tell~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but not a snitch. Now how I wish I knew where that no snitching rule came from anyway. How did I understand the meaning of the term BLACKMAIL by the time I was in first grade? Is this a terrible time to mention it’s one of my favorite genres in Hentai?

Well, no but then again the facts speak for themselves. Shusaku, Eisai Kyoiku, Kojin Taxi/Sex Taxi, The Blackmail Tomorrow Never Ends, etc. Okay, I’m calming down, today isn’t Friday, but I don’t dictate life. Only isn’t that precisely what I’m trying to do being a writer and all. I heard recently “They say life is a bitch, yeah, I know her.” Of course, that explains 90% of what I write if I’m indeed generous. So I have been too much for sharing recently. Hell, I even talked to my “father” a day or so ago about my Ma and her panicking. It’s hard to give words to those that refuse to listen, though I should adopt that NO attitude with more than my son. It wouldn’t help with what I’ve been going through recently, but that’s indeed why I write. Yes, too much, Lady Sophia.

Another email from Norton, I would feel flattered if I was more than a zero. I would tell whoever to quote another song, “It’s not easy to be me.” Every day I’m still learning about the man I am. Do I need to pull out all the reasons that I write? Winston Smith in 1984, talks about getting out his internal monologue. Maybe something to that effect. Nothing I could say will wash away the horrors I keep everywhere. Still, I desire the opportunity to explain rather than have a picture be my possible finale.

For example, if you look at me now, an old man typing in bed. My Firstborn is asleep on my knee while I’m surrounded by Hentai DVDs mostly. Yeah, I had to look up The Blackmail, and for a moment I thought it was lost or stolen. Now Lady Sophia, that’s the whole point of me “coming clean” tonight. It feels like the stories I want to tell are the targets of thieves. The hours I spend at the Day Job, some unknown hacker, the time I sleep away. Meanwhile, What am I publishing, not a damn thing, and I was too lazy to call (LANGUAGE). Those Who Will Tell

I Will Have No Fear

Log 109 ~The Stories, Will Tell~

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So many tales to tell and so little time or no energy because when you’re fighting fear; well, at least I can say I won, but what about tomorrow and the next day. What is my Firstborn doing; I hope he gets a chance to tell. The Stories, Will Tell heh

Friday, October 18, 2019

Log 109 ~The Stories, Will Tell~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but that’s only one more story. You know how I am with my motivations, so I am grateful to be alive to tell them. Honestly, though, I don’t know what to say. Am I scared, humiliated, exhausted, all of the above and then some? I guess I can say I beat the bastard (Language). Now that particular fellow is FEAR, still waiting for round two. What about my Olds, I knew it was a matter of time before they called checking-in dammit (Language). There is also an email from dear Norton.

I’m too tired to go over any of that, Lady Sophia. Did I mention that I’m mad as Hell, but that’s no surprise? I forget things, I still carry hope, and even when I’m fighting back FEAR, I always screw up. Does it matter how you win a fight against your demons? It does when you have someone you care for, no doubt. I may hate my “old man,” but I could never picture him behaving as I did today. Only one more reason my Firstborn is safe and sound. Hell, my mother is talking to my father right now, and “my place” is a literal crime scene. What is it about people being into me and at the same time not? Again I always carry that hope, and yet I don’t have any condoms and no prospects. I am in my purest form right now, words and nothing else.

I wonder what Indiana Gone would think if she saw me now. I’m shivering, starving, and seeing ghosts. No, I’m not dead yet, but I did give it the good college try. The funny thing is I was trying to stay alive. Well, I did Yoda proud because I was doing that, I’m still right here. I should crack open “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.” Now all I can remember is Day-Tight Compartments, but with everything today? I want to tell you everything, but this story is still in the making. Okay, if I had a list only for tonight, something like this:

  1. Find Food
  2. Answer M Anime
  3. Look Up Indiana Gone’s plans
  4. Play TWD and attempt to recover

I’ll have far too much time to worry, my son, my privacy, the journey here.

Makes me miss my foot hurting, The Stories, Will Tell

I Will Have No Fear