Tag: Guilt

Saga 343 ~B Steps Closer Virgil~

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Every day I’m closer to B, but as the song goes, “I’m dying slow, but the devil tryna rush me. See, I’m a fool for pain…” If B were here, we’d both be sick. He’d still be trying to care for me. Didn’t share with V. He’s lucky? “B Steps Closer Virgil”

Friday, June 9, 2023

Saga 343 ~B Steps Closer Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. What can I tell you about pain? Besides bringing Braxton back and wasting time with porn…

PAIN! As I lay here last night in “my” pain, Lady Sophia. Should I even say that? I mean, I know where the pain is from. FUCK YOU, PIZZA HUT! Anyway, it’s my fault, Sophia. Or should I blame whichever book it was from the Succubus Lord series? Eight maybe. Lady Sophia, it was Eric Vall’s description of Buffalo Chicken Pizza. I was escaping my Comfort Zone. And now? Um, well, now, I’ve been in bed for three days, and it wasn’t my choice. I have people all up in my business because I’m sick. I’m tired as all Hell because I don’t want to be awake. So, I’m not downing energy shots. And I see Virgil isn’t helping anything. That’s not fair, but none of this is fair. Only…

Again I was lying here wanting to die from all the abdominal pain, and I started to think about Braxton. I’ve told you that story before, haven’t I? When I think of pain, there’s B. His death is the greatest pain I have ever known. Singing “Nothing Compares 2 U.” Braxton was going blind, but I hope his ears were okay or maybe not… whatever. Becoming even more of a selfish bastard seems to be a goal of my existence. I’m still looking for that billion bucks from somewhere. Philip Pullman is worth millions. Right? Now he knew something about pain with Lyra and Will’s love. How about their Dæmons? I should have read that series again instead of Vampire Academy… Rose and Lissa, naked…

Lady Sophia, I wouldn’t need to take a single step if I wanted to die. My steps were done when I carried Braxton to his death. Virgil to his life? That Buffalo Chicken pizza. Fuck! If anything, I can just lay here and just forget the world like last night. V was in B’s room. I can fucking masturbate to all these titties until I dehydrate. Apologies for the F-bombs. It’s like I told such and such, there is a time and a place… there’s pain, and uh, penis. Um? I should shut up. It hurts too much even to be up and about. Oh! I’m sitting in bed still. Virgil needs outside time. One foot in front of the other. B Steps Closer Virgil

859 Days Without B III, Day 300 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 341 ~V Making The B-List~

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Santa’s list… way too early. The Lamb’s Book of Life? And the government. I’m sure I’ve made it on one out of the three. I can list the bad things others have done but myself. Hell, one word, Braxton. So I’m going to… But V? V Making The B-List.

Wednesday, June 7, 2023

Saga 341 ~V Making The B-List~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so that must mean I only like counting money. Or should I say something pretty racist?

I want to say I’m not as bad as Cruz, DeSantis, Donald, the GOP, or MAGA. Hell! Who can keep up with all their crimes? As I time travel, I’m having trouble with my own. Inspector, not a day goes by. I don’t have something to love Braxton for. Even if it’s the fact that killing him is the only crime that matters to me. Hell! Today is Sunday, June 4, 2023. So who knows where I’ll be, come the day you read this. I get scared a bit. Only it was more for Braxton’s sake when he was alive. Who’d love Braxton, Inspector? Shouldn’t I be asking who’ll love Virgil? Do I? Inspector, he’s here… it ain’t enough. That’s one more worry today (sigh).

I would talk all the time before about what I would do to protect Braxton. If it ever was between him and the world… As the song goes, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus.” And I am not a god. My “begotten” son, my Pancake, would be safe. I would watch the world burn for him. Hell! I would burn the world down if it meant Braxton’s life, Inspector. Again I’m not that cruel? Do you remember “Aunt Lee-Lee?” Her husband “Uncle Anthony” murdered her on Saturday, June 1, 2002. Wow! Talk about hearing things from the grave, Echo. She never knew my son. But he set her straight, I suppose. I want to destroy the world, she said. Not on my to-do list

This brings us to today and the things I should be doing. Six Impossible Things? Inspector, I’ve already spoken to the “Man in the Mirror.” Four of those things… failures. And it’s only Sunday. If I were to do anything good? Become Virgil’s Daddy, Inspector? Oh no! I got Bitcoin, and why? Don’t I want to see my sin, “All These Things That I’ve Done?” I want to stay in bed and whine about everything I’m not doing, Inspector. Didn’t I set myself up at the dining room table this morning? Looking into the empty fridge and making a shopping list is not my cup of tea. Remind me to grab cappuccino mix. Listing groceries, ways to hurt, and being happy. V Making The B-List

857 Days Without B III, Day 298 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 336 ~B Leaving Ghosts Virgil~

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What I “pray” for more than B’s return is a zombie apocalypse. They don’t scare me. Neither do ghosts or succubi. Dude wrote 19 books, and I can’t do one. Even when B was talking to me. Is he talking to V when I leave? B Leaving Ghosts Virgil

Friday, June 2, 2023

Saga 336 ~B Leaving Ghosts Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. So I’ll hire an army of psychiatrists, pet psychics, and paranormal experts. Tell them my stories…

It’s “Times Like These,” when I find it pretty damn impossible to commit any crimes… And when I’m sitting here at the dining room table. While Virgil lies upstairs crying, Sophia. It’s when the only thing I want to do is lie in bed. And before B guards, he cuddles. Is that why I was scooting further and further away this morning? What do the holy rollers say? Save room for the Holy Spirit? I wanted room for my Braxton. Is that why I destroyed his pillow by accident? He didn’t want V to have it… But everything else, hmm? I should stop reading all these ghost stories, supernatural shenanigans. And stuff on spirits. Speaking of which, I should buy some while I’m out today.

Excuse me for making a shopping list. I continue to time travel. And today is still Memorial Day, Monday, May 29, 2023. People mourn soldiers. Oh, and if they could only see what has become of this country. I don’t intend to write something on the state of politics. I’m a black writer, but what have I been reading, Sophia? My usual fanfare, right? You know. Satan’s Sorority Girls, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes… wtf happened to Lucy Gray Baird? And yet again, I’m listening to Succubus Lord 9. A deal with Hell? Been there. AHEM! Where’s that shopping list again? Um, I need light bulbs, sugar, and dog food. Lady Sophia, I don’t plan to make Virgil a ghost soon. I killed Braxton.

I scream that inside my head so often. Why should I be surprised I can’t hear B trying to talk to me? I keep mentioning that Virgil is not his reincarnation. I know that, Sophia. Only as I was saying, I heard Virgil crying today, and between not cuddling either… Monster? I am not a good man, Sophia. And in all the horrors I’ve seen. It’s people that are the worse. Braxton and I were like Scooby and Shaggy. To Virgil, I am the villain. There’s the fact that B’s smell must cover everything even now. V sees dead doggies. Zombies? How about ghosts since Virgil cries buckets when I leave? Is B III haunting? Something good for V? Trade places B Leaving Ghosts Virgil.

852 Days Without B III, Day 293 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 334 ~B Bucks Tradition, V~

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Braxton didn’t love much. Me, of course. “My” bloodline. The Aunt adopted. We both liked her boobs. But others were waiting… Yeah, right! I’m a horn dog, and for B, there were bits of food, the bucks I spent on him, and the bed. B Bucks Tradition, V

Wednesday, May 31, 2023

Saga 334 ~B Bucks Tradition, V~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but as the song goes, “Money can’t buy me love.” Can’t say I’m looking for it.

And Virgil… As I told Braxton’s Aunt, “JSS,” Just Survive Somehow. There’s also “Endure and Survive” if you’re more for The Last of Us. Aut Viam Inveniam Aut Faciam or in English AHEM, I shall either find a way or make one. “So that you understand how serious I am… I’m going to say this in English.” “English, Motherf*cker, Do You Speak It?!” Excuse me for being a Pop Culture Whore. Indeed, I’m much worse, Echo. That is what brings us together today, not marriage. Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, The Princess Bride, Inspector Echo. I’m getting my movies right but not my money on this Sunday, May 28, 2023, sigh. I’m trying not to waste any more cash or… bitcoin. What am I? Smooth Criminal?

Hell! If I were, we wouldn’t be talking right now. I’ve heard sirens in the background. And while I am guilty of killing my best friend… I’ll never forget my firstborn son, my B III. How much did that cost me again? I don’t want to go upstairs, Inspector. Paperwork. Effing has me in tears. I’d be effing crying if my last deal went through. Don’t tell MILF Dos, but I cried the first time I saw her naked. So Hott! Over $300.00 some dollars. Inspector, that was some of the best cash I’ve ever spent. Player, Pimp, Pervert… Please! Now I’m an F-Boy. And if you think I was done with the Pop Culture jargon, “Oh God, I’m gonna die alone.” Teen Idle, MARINA

Cherry and I like the same song. A twenty-something poetic virgin. And the thirty-eight-year-old asshole who tried to get her to take her clothes off. I have effed up, Inspector. Again I’ve barely spoken to Braxton’s Aunt, and then there’s M Anime. The money flies. Which is why I haven’t been on OnlyFans lately. I’m tired of being the bullshit man… uh, bullshit artist. That is, if you’ve considered the people I’ve been trying to work with these days. All because of one thing? I could go a few places with that Virgil’s not around.

So anyway, love… I’ve talked about the dream I’d have. The Nuclear Family, of course. Braxton would be there. Now? Existence, Existence, never changes. Eff Tradition. B Bucks Tradition, V

“Maybe there is love out there, but it’s running from me. I can’t keep chasing it.” Jackson Smith, The Brothers

850 Days Without B III, Day 291 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 329 ~Braxton Kills Bill, Virgil…~

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Can you hear me now? Good. Those commercials, hmm? I’m lucky to hear anything besides, “That will be $175.00.” Then my ear would get slammed like an episode of Family Guy. Me and my big mouth and massive bills. “Braxton Kills Bill, Virgil…”

Friday, May 26, 2023

Saga 329 ~Braxton Kills Bill, Virgil…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so bills? What bills? All the ones I paid for Braxton? The man? Oh yeah, duck…

Bill. As in, I would never shut up? Unless I was doing something else like this morning. I failed once again. And after such a “productive” moment. At least it didn’t lead to a bill. I swear that morning, Friday, January 29, 2021. I would only be paying for a few more meds. I figured. I already had the story in my head… an upset stomach, hardhead B. “As I was saying, I don’t want to read my Dæmon’s vet bill.” That’s from “Gospel 212 ~On The “Will” Succubus~.” Is it strange that I’m listening to Succubus Lord 8 yet again? Sophia, I’m also reading another Eric Vall novel, Satan’s Sorority Girls. The things I hear. That is to say, with what I did today.

Besides playing a porno in my head with two English roses, I mean. Hell! I was into those two before Eric Vall started talking about one of his chicks. But ok, Sophia, the good news. So this morning, I was getting all spiffy about to head to the urgent care clinic about my bum ear. -cost, the lack of actual “caring,” and the worse customer service. I know you’re not Yelp. Anyway, besides B III, the story of my existence is FEAR. So I’m rutting about in my ear, and voilà. This big chunk of ear wax comes popping out, and suddenly water. I could hear the water in the sink gushing for the first time in days. It didn’t make me burst into tears.

Hell! Sophia, I’ve said I would take any physical pain over my mental anguish. Haven’t I languished over The Pic Phenomenon from Thursday, May 18, 2023, my Lady? But once that effing thing got out of my ear, it’s like even that disappeared. Standing there, I heard everything I needed to hear. “We gon’ be alright,” Lady Sophia. Now, I wish I could believe that. I saved $175.00. I didn’t hear the words sick, starving, or sleep. As much as I want to “sleep forever.” Trust me, Sophia; I have said much worse. So Braxton would have if Bill had to come back. Or upon seeing the payment to put him to sleep. No price is too high. Virgil lives. Always. Braxton Kills Bill, Virgil…

845 Days Without B III, Day 286 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 327 ~Braxton’s Fine Print Virgil~

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I’m not being the person B thinks I am. And he was/is my best friend. But what about “friends,” influencers, and the “Girl All the Bad Guys Want?” I should read up on copyrights, complaints, and charges… “Gulp.” Braxton’s Fine Print Virgil.

Wednesday, May 24, 2023

Saga 327 ~Braxton’s Fine Print Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Which means I can talk my way out of contracts. The Terms and Conditions. Basic Morality.

So when did I sign up to be a father? No! Not only a Dad but Braxton’s. Being B’s Daddy. I still think of myself as that… “Sorry, Virgil?” Only that means I take everything that comes with it. And I keep saying it, Inspector, despite you and my “Lost Boy.” It is my truth. As the song goes, “I don’t wanna be a murderer.” I have, though, Inspector Echo. Hell! While I’m busy busting out the Rhianna, “Every time I walk out the door. I see him die a little more inside.” Now that would be Virgil. With him, there came actual paperwork. But I never saw anything about “Love and Happiness.” Inspector, seriously. It’s my effing ear, which is why there’s music galore.

Not music that I have stolen, mind you. But I’ve done that too. Today that’s the least of my problems. As I’m not MJ or the GOP. A smooth criminal. No, I’m an internet fiend. Calling me a troll is more appropriate. What about an F-Boy? Effing fiend sounds better. And all because I didn’t read the fine print. Inspector, I’m thinking of my stupidity. Horniness makes men stupid. And I dare to call myself a man. Inspector Echo, please! Now I could go into the political aspect of this, but I’m not confused at all. I’m a Heterosexual African American male. Yeah, make it easy on Law Enforcement, Inspector. Although I’m sure, all those I’ve hurt would wish death upon me. Die, just die!

Yes, I sound like Whitley’s mother from A Different World. And isn’t that what this is now? Friend? Are you my friend Inspector Echo? Because if you were, I could tell. Confess! Is there no fine print between us? Effing is ha! I’m sure it is somewhere, Inspector. Now speaking of the blog. How much was there to read, getting someone fixing it, Inspector? There will be more if I go to the doctor’s office to get my ear cleared out; I know it. Bukkake of the ear! More like what my dick’s been doing after “The Pic Phenomenon.” That’s what I’m still worrying about. Thursday, May 18, 2023. Not even a whole week. I am reading the fine print of existence. You’re effed, Will. “JSS” Braxton’s Fine Print Virgil

843 Days Without B III, Day 284 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 325 ~Guilt Before Action Is Morality~

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I’m not with the GOP. Hurting someone? I won’t lie and pretend. I have my interests at heart or below that. But with B. I knew he was dying. The Guilt I felt before, after, and now? And with what I’ve done, now… “Guilt Before Action Is Morality”

Monday, May 22, 2023

Saga 325 ~Guilt Before Action Is Morality~

Two-Hundred and Ninety-Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. Which means I can afford to be a “man.” An effing ton of mammaries. Hell! Morality’s free.

And I have had an effing ton of that since Thursday, May 18, 2023. I’ll come up with a name for that soon enough. Let me also state, “for the record.” I’m not coming down on female billionaires. Did I say… coming? Effing today. That’s the last thing I need. Tomorrow? Madam, as always, I would instead focus on 841 days ago. Braxton, always and forever. “Brother to brother, yours in life and death,” they said in First Knight. Sometimes I feel that Braxton leads me to the lines. Dog on a leash? Here’s another Madam, “Only a fool wants what he cannot have.” What? I wanted my son to live forever. Outlive me, Madam. It should have been me—no Morality in this mortality.

“Be not so long to speak; I long to die,” as was said in Romeo + Juliet. Or is that me in the mirror? As I tell Braxton, while he keeps me here? How about all those I have wronged? For I have harmed plenty. And it’s one thing when I don’t give a damn. Only I’ve always been of the mind, “You always hurt the (ones) you (love).” And to know what I’m doing. I’m always incredibly effing STUPID! Even now, I have to look up Guilt and Morality. Again with Braxton… Did I “feel” guilty? Always have and always will, “sorry” to say. That’s another word I should look up. What does it mean to be sorry? Um, not getting off, for starters.

I’m a sadist. But B III’s pain was nothing but this heartbreaking. My punishment. Hell! Now “The Pic Phenomenon…” See, I told you I’d find a name for it. I have a better one, but the Guilt I feel saying it? And that’s the thing, ain’t it? Now I have decided to have some morals. And will I stop, well, anything? It’s like that scene from Liberal Arts (2012). When Jesse is deciding whether to sleep with Zibby. Finally decides against it… No! I’m worse. It’s like Lester deciding whether to sleep with Angela. Uh, eww… Spacey. But in the end. Both have… TRUST. Jesse and Lester stop short. But I’m not that bad. What I’ve done, though… Breaking TRUST! Guilt Before Action Is Morality.

841 Days Without B III, Day 282 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 322 ~Write Stuff. Braxton, Virgil…~

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I write stuff. Not the right stuff or the white stuff. “First let me explain that I’m just a black man.” Prolific? There’s “All I wanted was to see her naked.” Then there are website developers and things for The Boys. “Write Stuff. Braxton, Virgil…”

Friday, May 19, 2023

Saga 322 ~Write Stuff. Braxton, Virgil…~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, meaning I would never have to write again. I love writing (every day…) but… the dream.

I don’t blame Braxton for saying, “bye.” More like “later.” Like father like son, Sophia. Though how many times have I written about Braxton’s last WORDS? “Why can’t I stay?” That’s from Angel, Season 5. Episode 15 “A Hole in the World.” But again, Lady Sophia, father, and son. How dare I say Braxton’s best days were/are sitting on the loveseat with me watching crap. I’ve told B III’s story. How he knew and would leave his toy with me. If anything, it beat him sitting under the table. Waiting for me to write anything that could resemble crap. I would go to the library. There was me writing alone as he went to bed. And here we are two years after. Have I published…

I don’t blame Virgil for being bored, either. Hell! I went most of the day without speaking to him. I wish I could say I was writing. Oh, I was hitting keys. But that was only to watch other people’s stories. And I wish that it was only that. I’m lazy but plenty worse, Sophia. And then there’s all the right, white, write stuff—words with many meanings. It’s not like living, surviving, and existing. I can tell one from the other. Doing anything… For Braxton or Virgil, The Boys? I hate how in this head, there’s already a story being… let’s say, edited? Hell! I have been thinking it’s gone on way too long daily. But V’s tale, Sophia? I still can’t read him.

I will blame myself for that. At least I don’t have to type the words, delete, block, and eff off. That would give me even less time to be with B. Please! Writing now. Sophia, it could be so much worse. All the novels, notes, and nothing poetry written and disgusted with myself. Over what I wrote last night. Yeah, typing into a search bar. Doctors would have a field day. Not that I’m going to see one soon. I don’t need the bills, ok? Despite knowing something is very wrong with me. In a physical sense, to be sure. And the answer is always the same. Only it didn’t save Braxton. Or solidify Virgil, and I’s friendship. The Boys say Write Stuff. Braxton, Virgil…

838 Days Without B III, Day 279 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 320 ~ I’ll B Listening, Virgil~

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I’m listening to everything but B, and why? Because I’m not being the person, he thinks I am. He would give me one of his looks. And V’s in B’s room now because… Hell! At least he ain’t crying. I got no money to go anywhere. I’ll B Listening, Virgil.

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

Saga 320 ~ I’ll B Listening, Virgil~

Forgive Me, Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now; this means I don’t have to listen to anybody or anything. The sound of EFFING silence!

Which is in my head right now because I don’t remember how this particular subject came up. I was at the Day Job “Dancing With Myself…” Please! Talking to myself. Anyway, Inspector, I was saying the saddest sound I ever heard was… then I blank. Inspector, do you want to know what the most horrific, helpless, heartbreaking sound is? B III. My son taking his last breath in this world right after. And right afterward, the vet told me, “He’s Gone.” Braxton’s heart, head, and happiness. Oh, I knew, I heard. And then the quiet. Next to that Inspector comes my first breath. No wonder I’m starting to hate meditation. Tuesday, Balance said, think of someone you have a “bad” relationship with. It’s me, hi.

But I was thinking of the ASM at the Day Job. You know how much I hate being laughed at. Next to that, the silence rears its head once again. My effing smile Echo. Disgusting. Why do I want to learn to kill zombies but love Necromancy? Killing the comedian. Inspector, I should kill the beggar as well. Again at the Day Job, when such and such a guy shows up, what do I start doing? Begging, beseeching, and bitching for his help Echo. I hate whining, kowtowing, and bending the knee. What kind of a man are you? Inspector, that’s something Suzy Lu asked. Well, not to me. YouTube is blaring in the background. Books, and lying alone in bed. Bitches, Man… Warm Bodies

I both want to and not. You know to listen to another woman. The worst sound in the world is the alarm clock blaring. Now I can say that for plenty of reasons but today. Inspector, I set it for midnight. That means again I restart another No FAPPING pledge. I hate the push of a button. Because, let’s say, seven out of ten times, it’s all about a porno. Hell! Inspector, I’m still listening to Succubus Lord yet again. And like I told one of the girls. I recall going to the barbershop with a folder full of bikini models. Why did I dare? Then there’s my moaning. Thinking, “Oh God, I’m gonna die alone.” Should listen to “my boys.” I’ll B Listening, Virgil

836 Days Without B III, Day 277 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 315 ~Lying With B, Virgil~

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What am I going to read? Even if all I did was meditate, my head would be, “EXTRA, EXTRA, read all about it,” B III is still gone. I’ll read his medicine bottles. The TV will show the GOP get away with everything. And books? Lying With B, Virgil

Friday, May 12, 2023

Saga 315 ~Lying With B, Virgil~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can lie forever and a day. Right, CNN? But comedy comes in threes…

As in my son B III, Triple, or it’s hip to B squared. Hell! I was about to say, “I feel,” like a killer. Only we know the truth, Lady Sophia. As the song asks, “Am I A Psycho?” Yes! Even now, I refuse to admit my boy is dead. I know he is. But every day, I call Braxton! You know I talk to him more than I do, Virgil. Even now, Virgil is dead center in the bed, and I moved over. He’s not my son. I wish I wanted; I wouldn’t be like this. Not his fault. Only I do believe it was B that was speaking to me on that day. But what now, B III? Braxton, lying about everything you.

Let’s focus on me, which you can see above. I don’t know why I decided to come clean today. Just because. You’re not Inspector Echo. And if Braxton were here… I’d know better. What about Nelson Mandela… “It’s never too late to do the right thing.” He wasn’t talking about the angle of the dangle… So why did I want to lie about it for so long, Sophia? Can I stop talking about my “Enormous Penis?” I swear I’ll start anew at 9:00 AM. Anyway, you know how I hate liars. And everything I have read this week has been about some liar. At least, “That’s why I’m starting with me.” Everything seems to be pointing to me getting out of bed. Braxton ain’t here.

And even if he were, I would be on the loveseat. Or better, at the dining room table writing away. I would tell him and me that I’m doing this to give us a better life. But I exist, sigh. And I want to say I’m trying. But that would be one more lie. I mean, even when I read… Again I’m reading The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes. Yet it’s only a chapter or two a day. And today being Friday or even tomorrow, I’ll read “Mesmerizing Caroline – The Contract.” Lady Sophia, it’s all so I can keep up with a book a week, hmm. Good news. Like I’m doing something “Successful.” When I instead be Lying With B, Virgil.

831 Days Without B III, Day 272 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will