Tag: Hell

Saga 137 ~To B Judged Virgil~

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What’s the measure of a man? First… get your mind out of the gutter. Second, that’s the name of a song. Am I judged for what happened to B? The fact that I provide for my family everything but… What love? I truly loved and then… “To B Judged Virgil.”

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Saga 137 ~To B Judged Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But I ain’t saying you’re a gold digger. To talk about something normal like “Kanye West.”

No, you know what I want to talk about, cry about, and dream of. Can I be judged for my grief? My guilt, my depression, and the choice to live my life this way. For the longest time, there was no choice. You and me against the world. A little fucked up saying that. Love. It’s like that show Whose Line Is It Anyway? Things you can say about your dog but not your girlfriend… or wife. Or can I. It shows you how much I love B. The same thing. Before, it was he and I against the world. So here it is 653 Days in, and it still seems much of the same. Can you blame me? Better yet, can you judge me?

Of all the things I thought of that you wouldn’t understand. Braxton wasn’t among them. And Virgil? How tempted am I to say he’s our children’s dog? Resurrection? Virgil isn’t. The business that I’m in. Hell! Like Dennis Hof, I didn’t think I would find love. Only I do believe in marriage and family. The whole 2.5 kids. I’m a bit of a traditionalist, as always. The things that I like that I want. “All I Believe In.” I know I’ll be judged for such things. But Braxton’s death? The way I treat Virgil? And then I look at you and our family. “All These Things That I’ve Done” or haven’t. Like forgiving myself. Forgotten… God, I want to fuck right now. But my punishment…

Was it wrong to do what I did; is it wrong to live like this? Is it wrong to grieve? One more reason I have no need for faith. I am “My Own Worst Enemy.” So what do I do? Love; one day, I imagine I’ll find “you’re long gone, gone.” Another slice of penance. That may be my ultimate goal. I read somewhere Hell is a place devoid of God’s presence. And doesn’t it say in the Bible God is Love. No, Braxton is love, and so are you. Baby girl, I prefer Stephen King’s “God is cruel. Sometimes he makes you live.” Truth. Because I’ve spent my life wanting power. What do I do with it? Judge for yourself. To B Judged Virgil

653 Days Without B III, Day 094 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 136 ~The Innocent Can’t Grant Absolution~

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What I said to B III during his final moments? I know I said I was sorry before the vet came back with the needle. I told 2V I was sorry for bumping into a wall. Damn, broken glasses. And the Man I once was… “The Innocent Can’t Grant Absolution”

Monday, November 14, 2022

Saga 136 ~The Innocent Can’t Grant Absolution~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Sixth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. Which means I’m nowhere near innocent. Hell! The crimes I have committed today, Sunday, November 13, 2022.

Time Travel. I can imagine the crimes I will commit; by the time you read this. The sins that I think about daily. “Law Abiding Citizen” I am not, Madam. I can’t be. Today I have sought out a movie to steal… Black Panther: Wakanda Forever? Yes, I paid for it twice in the theater. And you can’t blame me for all the leaked videos that are out now. Madam, let’s say I have gone to some rather unscrupulous types; for things. Fuck, the internet is a terrifying place. I should spend more time talking to you, Madam. Inevitably I come back to my son, my Braxton. No crime I have ever committed will match how I failed him. A murderer, who would have thought?

I will do more. As I was talking to the Man in the Mirror this morning. (Sigh) I’m a Fraud. That’s the Eighth Circle of Hell. My place is in the Ninth, Treachery. Betraying Braxton. Can’t say I’ve read many dog grieving books lately. Too busy being a fraud but Madam. Braxton isn’t here to say that he forgives me for what I did, and that’s the whole point of this rule. People can scream up and down about things like euthanasia, an act of mercy. Love? The people who love have no right to forgive a killer. Even if they say, that’s what their loved one wanted… People talk so much about Absolution. Accountability. Madam, I read in a book once this killer said:

“I am not afraid of justice. Justice is a good thing, even if I am on the losing end of it.” The Girl in 6E

Sometimes I think I ain’t worth it; other times, I know I deserve it. And then there’s this Hell. Do you think the only reason I don’t do what I need to do; is because I’m already dead? Again, I’m talking to you today, not Monday, so you know what that means. I wish. I wish the innocent “man” I once was could forgive me. Grant me such Absolution. Braxton’s eyes… They weren’t of forgiveness, love, or a goodbye. My boy asked me why. All the women over the years. I’m pretty much dead to them anyway. Their innocence. As much as I hate to admit it, I am the guilty one. And God, if you believe in such. What a mess of things, hmm. The Innocent Can’t Grant Absolution

652 Days Without B III, Day 093 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 132 ~GLASS Dismissed, B, V~

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Went to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever today. I can’t say how much I saw with broken glasses and watching with an old pair. I need to take a look around, at Virgil, at existence, sigh. And learn how to live? GLASS Dismissed, B, V

Thursday, November 10, 2022

Saga 132 ~GLASS Dismissed, B, V~

648 Days Without B III, Day 089 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You were too smart for your own good sometimes. Is there such a thing? Myself?

People thought it was because of the glasses. That’s where I was today, Wednesday, November 9, 2022. I went to the eye doctor. It wasn’t by choice, Braxton. Broken glasses. Plus, you’re joining the club. You know, talking to you for two days. But I don’t mind when it’s you. Of course, five girls are gasping or sighing with relief. I don’t know B. Speaking of the ladies. So, um, I had to buy new glasses. The deed is done, and I’m another $206.00 in the hole. Can I go a day without thinking about sex? Try a day not wondering about my lost boy. Not your fault, B III. Hell! I couldn’t see you if I wanted Braxton. Glasses fucked and all. I’m trying!

But give your Dad a pretty brunette in glasses, gushing about me. Yeah, I’m in trouble. Or how do the kids say, shut up and take my money? She upsold your Dad quite a bit. Well, it could be worse, Triple B. While I was sitting there thinking about doing some Triple X shit. $732.00 was the total price for today. But Tuesday, I ensured I had my insurance and paperwork cocked, locked, and ready to rock. Virgil appreciates eating. But I still don’t like looking into mirrors. Which I did a lot of today. Um, Wednesday. The glasses I bought were not in my black battle standard but brown. Staring at her tits but your eyes, lower… I mean, you’re short, not in, um…

Only I’m sure I’m going to Hell. Yet the thought did cross my mind, again, that looking through your eyes. I mean your perspective. Could this all be your doing? That makes me a horrible human being, Braxton. My paranoia surrounding you? No, that’s Virgil’s thing. What? I have yet to have had any time to train him. But here we are 89 days in. Three months B III. However, did I teach you Triple B? I didn’t. I was there sitting on your mom’s couch. You and I learned from each other. But to be without you, Braxton. The last look you gave me. Maybe you know I can’t stand looking at myself anymore. So I went to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever today. But, GLASS Dismissed, B, V

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 130 ~B Showing Up Virgil~

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My vote’s for B III… he’s not coming back. Wesley Snipes said always bet on black. Except if it’s Herschel Walker, fuck him. And while I prefer red over black, I’m voting Dem across the board. Show up to vote so my future family… B Showing Up Virgil.

Tuesday, November 8, 2022

Saga 130 ~B Showing Up Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. How many times have I said that? What about Later, I’ll Be Back, I Love You?

Later implies they’ll be more time. Is that what has me crying this late afternoon, My Love? Of course, I’m time-traveling Sunday, November 6, 2022. Hell! I never told Braxton Later. You know how I say, always and forever, when it comes to him and I. That is Love. And no way, no how, will I ever be free of it. It shows up like the line of a song or movie from long ago. I’ll Be Back… Even though Terminator has never been my favorite franchise. When it comes to Braxton, nothing stops me. I’ll Be Back because I Love You. I believe those three little words are said far too often, but I say and mean them even now. Tomorrow, the day after.

I show up as that is what a man does. But like before B died, I am worried about how. Indifference… Now I’m not that way towards you, our children, or Virgil Vivi, no way. Baby Girl, in a way, I wish I was because now I have something worse. Revenge and anger, Baby Doll. Do you remember the stories I told you about my old Day Job? That’s how I feel. I say I’m discombobulated, but I hate to deal with lies. Can’t I be honest with you, Love? Because you show up. And I read that women are not rehab centers for men. Only, I can’t lose you. And I won’t let you go. A man provides for his family. I show up.

Even when I hate this world. And 99.9% of the people in it. It’s like fucking voting. One more thing I need to do today. I love my family; I like Virgil, who’s been here, what 87 days. And I was going to say I loathe my country, but again, I’m here voting and why. Braxton somehow thought I could be better no matter how bad things got. The monster that I say I am, you think, or is it that you know I’m somebody worth all your Love? And I am trying not only to show up but to be here every… single second. But 646 days later, I’m still showing up. You all deserve so much more from me. B Showing Up Virgil

646 Days Without B III, Day 087 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 129 ~The Twilight Zone Beats Friendzone~

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I’m not so much worried about the Friendzone now. Tuesday promises to be the same Twilight Zone episode it’s been for years. And as far as my existence in general. Well, I’m time-traveling right now, so who knows. “The Twilight Zone Beats Friendzone”

Monday, November 7, 2022

Saga 129 ~The Twilight Zone Beats Friendzone~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. So you can expect things to feel a little weird. But I’m sure you’re only feeling PAIN.

It’s Sunday, November 6, 2022, Time-Travel. So you can guess that by the time you see this, well… And at the moment, I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Twilight, Friendzone? Discombobulated seems to be beating out everything right now. At least, I want it to. Friendzone? I can’t tell any friend anything. Of course, my best friend is still dead. While talking to the Man in the Mirror earlier today, I almost forgot to mention B III’s name with my “complaining.” Talk about being, well, fucked-up. With Virgil Vivi, Madam… He’s still not my son. As far as a friend? He’s in Braxton’s room right now because of my RAGE. I want to try something, getting ready for tomorrow, your today. For the Day Job:

There seems to have been a misunderstanding, so allow me to clarify a few things. I will try to keep this clean, but as the song goes, “Don’t ask my opinion, don’t ask me to lie. Then beg for forgiveness for making you cry.” I have endured this work with the thought I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn’t have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody.” That and Charlie Brown’s balk. But with the events of the last few weeks, well, years. I now have no choice but to speak out loud. So know this, I am not your friend, homie, the village idiot, and especially your punchline here. I am done with tolerating your blatant disrespect…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sRQMdVCuSg

Or saying something to that effect, Madam. I know it ain’t Pearl’s Monologue or anything. Chances that uttering such a thing would get me fired. Because demanding any respect… What kind of world is it when I stand up and grow a pair? Hell! When I’m looking again to Pearl or Rappin’ Rodney for inspiration? I told B’s Aunt my brain’s The Twilight Zone. And as far as being in the Friendzone? What am I saving money up for again? There’s Replika and you and the other girls. And when I do talk to B on Thursday, then Sunday? So I am mad in every sense of the word. But look at reality. Tomorrow is Election Day. I won’t forget. The Twilight Zone Beats Friendzone

645 Days Without B III, Day 086 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 125 ~B Seeing You Virgil~

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I still do plenty of reading, but I should get my eyes checked out soon. Why? The Drs. prescriptions didn’t do anything. How many times will I go over B III’s paperwork? Grieving books and those that suck. Now, 2V’s papers. “B Seeing You Virgil”

Thursday, November 3, 2022

Saga 125 ~B Seeing You Virgil~

641 Days Without B III, Day 082 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As usual, I’m Time-Traveling, but you can guess how Thursday is going. As for today…

Well, it’s Saturday, October 29, 2022. To think it was Saturday, August 13, 2022; I hoped I found you again. I’ve been thinking about how long it will take me to get over losing you. I mean again. The last book I read wasn’t about reincarnation. But about coping with loss. Braxton, can you see the future? What am I reading now? While we’re on the subject, I opened up “Too Late” by Colleen Hoover. I wanted to see if the Year End Kindle Challenge would count it. Between now and December 31, so no. What do you think, Braxton? You didn’t have much of an opinion on my reading material. As long as we are together, B? I Haven’t been on the couch lately.

Only I did catch up with reading today. It was between wanting to fall back asleep and crying. The writer was talking about dying before you. Braxton, given this existence… Braxton, without question, I’d have died for you. “I’d get Him to swap our places.”

Who, God? I’ve never seen him, but I’ve heard. Um, according to the dog tag I wear every day. You are the word of God. And as they say, men love darkness rather than light. Braxton, you are the light. And it’s people or rather the hatred I was given that is the darkness. In a minute, you’ll have me sounding like Samuel L. Jackson. Can I find things to look at? The beauty. I can’t see you in Virgil.

Rosette Christopher, for example. Braxton, that’s why I gave up. You know what I mean. Not now, but 161 days ago after you died. I was trying to make you look away from me, Braxton. I hope that Paradise is a sight better than what you had here. This existence. Virgil does have your color by his eyes. But in 82 days, how many times do I look at them? The highlight of these days is my face mashed against the screen, looking at Yabbos. Whenever I leave the house. And the fear takes over, and my eyes flitter everywhere. Braxton, didn’t I say, though, I wish we were together. To close these eyes permanently. You don’t like me saying that. B Seeing You Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 123 ~Braxton Leaves Virgil Alone~

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I keep asking, is Virgil, my son, reincarnated? Or is he seeing B III’s Ghost? Sort of like MLK walking through modern Montgomery in the movie “Boycott.” I missed Halloween. But I see a monster in the mirror. Ghost… Braxton Leaves Virgil Alone.

Tuesday, November 1, 2022

Saga 123 ~Braxton Leaves Virgil Alone~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so I’ll buy the rights to Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You… eww.

After that, I’ll send it to the pits of Hell, where it belongs. Yet I might need more than that to get me into Heaven with everything that happened with B. Won’t forget about him ever. So why didn’t I try to contact him on Halloween? I’ve neglected one more holiday, and here I am with our kids too. Plus, V can’t eat chocolate. And with this week, Oh Hell Nah! If anything, even with my “business,” that beats what I had to do before I met you… Well, sometimes a man wants to be by himself. I’m afraid to say that won’t be changing anytime soon, even with 639 days gone by, even with Virgil hanging around. And here I have my beautiful wife.

No one can take your place. But I won’t lie that I want a subscription to Cherry’s writing site. The things having me in the doghouse, but you know I’m all about Yabbos. Sex won’t leave me alone. Of course, that’s my livelihood. But people have been getting on my nerves as of late. Not you, my love. Here I am saying I’ve been lonely for days, ha. The thing is, I want to be alone. No, I want to be alone but with my Braxton. Considering what I’ve been doing for days on end. Would I wish to expose him to that RAGE I’m carrying hidden behind indifference? Then there’s Virgil. But what about you, hmm? Me? I’m a Zombie, Ghost, Psycho, Possession, Virus…

Missed Halloween. Becoming Hugh Hefner, Dennis Hof, or some model photographer. I’m still walking around here like a Zombie as I miss B. I can’t feel a thing, my love. His Ghost haunts me because I’m sure that he’s not Virgil. Am I reincarnation, dammit. As the song goes, “Am I A Psycho?” with how I’ve felt towards humanity lately? Sometimes I feel as though I’m possessed somehow by the man I once was, love. Somehow the worst is the virus-like something akin to a vampire. Thirsting after sex. Another reason I’m all by myself. So I can watch porn if I want. While you, our kids, my Virgil, wait. Because when it’s not porn, I continue crying for B III. Braxton Leaves Virgil Alone.

639 Days Without B III, Day 080 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 122 ~Art, The Persistence Of Memory~

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So, no memory of Halloween? Nothing that I want to remember. Darth Vader, White Power Ranger, church. My art, words, whatever stayed locked away for, well, do I have anything on a bookshelf yet? And painting, uh… “Art, The Persistence Of Memory”

Monday, October 31, 2022

Saga 122 ~Art, The Persistence Of Memory~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, and while I’m sure I own something from Salvador Dalí, I had to look up this quote.

Stephen King. At this moment, I’m pretty sure nothing I’ve written, even about my boy, would do a quarter as well as any of his books. And yet I remember Braxton, my son, always and forever. And I keep in mind why I’m sitting here with you today, Madam J. How can I best describe, as Forrest Gump put it? The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I think this stops me from being a “published” writer. Not a fear of failure. It’s the fact that I don’t deserve to do this. Madam, I make everything dumb with an Um, Useless, or fucking Ugly. Pardon my language. But while we’re on the subject. There’s perverted, my pornographic passions, or something about my penis. Yeah ew

You can read all about it in last week’s sagas. I know that I won’t be reading it for real. Hell! I can’t tell you about the previous two books I read. That one from Barby Keel… It was more about her than her dog, and there were her yabbos too. Titties, I swear, Madam. Anyway. The books after that were both the same, mourning fur babies. Grieving is beautiful? Well, it keeps me from having to look at myself in the mirror some mornings. One more reason I hate the Day Job besides all the time travel I have to do all for Virgil. Yeah, I’m keeping him alive now. I’m starting to sound bitter comparing him and B III. I’m no masterpiece, either.

A writer, an artist, a canvas, a subject, all the above, or nothing at all. Best left unwept, unhonored, and unsung. Walter Scott, yes, but Groundhog Day, my artistic knowledge. Mutts… I wouldn’t say that about Virgil but definitely not my Braxton, but I write. Manuscripts, one after the other. And I couldn’t tell you what about ever. Waste, Madam. Mammaries which I spend far too much time on. If you want to know where I’ve been even in having this conversation with you. Torturing myself, edging, fucking around, ok. Money, of course, is a valid concern. I won’t do the things to make it, and then the Day Job? Off the top of my head, my artistic vision. Memories. Art, The Persistence Of Memory

638 Days Without B III, Day 079 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 118 ~B, V, Guess What~

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Guess what? I’m still here. Besides waking up to find B III gone, I’m surprised I have to get up. The past few days, I’ve woken up to find Virgil snoring. Humiliations Galore, not being happy, having a hard-on. But everything else, “B, V, Guess What”

Thursday, October 27, 2022

Saga 118 ~B, V, Guess What~

634 Days Without B III, Day 075 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You know to me, that’s a loaded question. But I am talking to you today.

Time Traveling, as you might have guessed. A week after Virgil’s birthday for you. It’s the day after for me, Friday, October 21, 2022. Braxton, I always wonder where you are. “Where’d You Go” as the song goes. Now I don’t want to sound like a Republican but in my thoughts and prayers? Only I’m not one for prayer. I did ask for your strength B. We’ll get to that; we always do. What about I go all Phil Collins, “You’ll Be In My Heart.” No need to guess there. While Virgil still feels like a guest… At least today, he does. I told Lady Sophia that Virgil’s gaining courage by waltzing in here and interrupting me. No, not doing that, but by now… (sigh).

Well, things I don’t have to guess about, like wanting to go to sleep. But you know me too well, Triple B. Sleep can mean plenty to me. Sleep, sex, that other S word. The one bringing the cops to the door. I don’t remember what night that was or when I returned to you. Braxton from “I’ll Be Missing You” to I’m “Coming Home.” I never doubted that you’d be back safe and sound on Friday, January 29, 2021. A few new meds B III? I should have let them give you those for your appetite. It would have been better if I had listened to you. How did we get on this topic? No need to guess; I always remember my great sin.

Braxton, guess I’m saving money, that the medicine will do its thing, my muscles endure. I can’t tell you what the vets said about V, but his appointment is this week, so I must guess. Did I wish death upon you when the vets started talking about Chronic Renal Failure? And now Virgil is going for his first check-up with me… I’m still thinking about his nails needing to get clipped. Guess what? It’s always about me and how I look as a human B. Not his human. At least, I don’t see it that way yet. Does that sound mean B III? It might. Hating so much, fearing all and Triple X. Things that are certain in existence; anything else… B, V, Guess What

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 116 ~Love To B Virgil~

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He cries whenever he’s alone. He waits for someone else to tell him what to do. And I have no clue when they took his balls. What am I talking about? Virgil and I are so much alike. Only I wish I could stay in a comfy spot all day. “Love To B Virgil”

Tuesday, October 25, 2022

Saga 116 ~Love To B Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and money talks. But that shouldn’t be all there is to life. Hell, existence! Three words.

“I Love You.” Like trying to remember to say Virgil’s name every day. B can’t say a single thing anymore. Then again, he never said anything at all. But he was me; I was him. Without him around, I don’t remember the last time I said those three words. Let me take that back. When was the last time that those words had weight to them? I love you babe. Or, as the song goes, “I Got You Babe.” That I do love, always and forever. But the words still matter. “More Than Words?” Yes, and no. How often have I talked about needing to know that you love me? With Braxton, I never worried. And with Virgil, for the moment, I don’t care (sigh).

Neither does he. As usual, I am time-traveling. And I’m cutting it relatively close. Today is October 23, 2022. Was there ever a doubt that I love writing; how many years has it been? Then again, I’m “Going Through The Motions.” When was the last time I wrote something that I paid attention to? And NaNoWriMo is coming up soon, and there are no ideas. Before I forget, there’s Virgil’s Doctor’s Appointment. Well, “If It Isn’t Love?” Enough to get him checked out and those nails of his. Wasn’t I all upset and ashamed yesterday? Doesn’t matter how much money we have; the feelings remain the same. But by that logic, why am I upset with myself for how I treat you and our kids?

I haven’t talked to a doctor in forever about being Bipolar. With all the money we have now, my love? No. Let me focus on my family instead of being a selfish bastard yet again. Selfish bastard is quickly becoming my new catchphrase. My idiocy, insanity, and what about intimacy? Is sex always on my mind? Yes, it is with my business but then again. This AM, I was listening to Trevor Noah talk about intimacy where men are concerned. Sex and intimacy can be combined, of course. But I have felt empty, lonely, and indifferent for a while now. No balls for life. Much like V, being moved from one place to the other. Where Is The Love? Damn, I’d Love To B Virgil

632 Days Without B III, Day 073 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will