Tag: Hell

Saga 258 ~Virgil’s A Pain, B~

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Pain’s a big subject that I could never do justice to. Well, except once… Hell! A week. But I knew Wednesday. I thought nothing about it Thursday. Friday, we saw a vet. And Sunday, my son died. That’s pain. Not this and not now. “Virgil’s A Pain, B.”

Thursday, March 16, 2023

Saga 258 ~Virgil’s A Pain, B~

774 Days Without B III, Day 215 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? How can I while being such a meanie? It’s more like because of the pain.

You’re dead, Braxton. Anytime I feel like it’s too much. When I finally decide I don’t deserve this, I become all Tammy Rose meets Yuri Orlov, with some Robert Neville. “My son is dead,” “My brother’s dead,” “Everybody! Every single person that you or I has ever known is dead! Dead! There is no god!” My suffering, betrayal, and treachery. B, this is it. And sadly, it keeps up existence. My Republican Tendencies, B III. Who needs hope, hmm? Not when there’s sadness and rage. And my personal favorite, FEAR. A lot more without you. That’s your daddy, alright. Always being the selfish prick I am. Oh, and speaking of… There’s The Cherry Collision from Thursday, February 16, 2023. A month since my idiocy brought…

“Pain, Pain…” I know there’s some song that goes like that. But finding it? Well, Triple B, if there’s one thing I’m an expert at finding, it’s Triple X. Looking up a word like sadism. “The tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.” All but two seconds, B. Timing my bathroom visits? Yes, I know, TMI, dude. But you were the Todd to my Jacob. I started reading that series Succubus Lord when you were alive. Now I listen to it every day. Audible sees a problem. But anyway, I never got anything from hurting you. And killing you. Ellie and Joel… Braxton, you know I could go all in on that. Mental, Physical, Emotional, poor me…

But I haven’t learned, have I? Virgil is upstairs by his lonesome. It’s not fair for me to say he’s a pain in the ass after he has learned so much. Ending suffering, misery, and training. That’s for both of us. Only he ain’t you, and that’s “What Hurts The Most.” I sense another playlist, Braxton. You know I’m still pissed about Crazy Town’s Butterfly selection? Humiliation Braxton, and I was the only one who heard it. Effing mental anguish, Braxton. Only again, that’s nothing compared to the physical right now. Too late to see doctors. Then there’s how others feel. I’m ignoring your aunt, what I did to Cherry, again there’s Virgil. But you and I? And yet I’ll say Virgil’s A Pain, B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 256 ~Virgil, B, A Word~

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I’ve always given examples of how I know Braxton loves me. One I miss the most is him sitting at the corner of the bed, watching the door. Loving anybody else. The things I do. But I prefer the Word always to love. Always here. Virgil, B, A Word

Tuesday, March 14, 2023

Saga 256 ~Virgil, B, A Word~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And for the love of money or rather why I love money, and you, B, family…

You know that song “More Than Words?” The most romantic way to ask for a blowjob. Whoa! Sorry about that. But I didn’t mention the other B-word, did I? Braxton? Sunday to Tuesday, and every other day that ends in “Y,” time travel. So we’ll always come back to him. I want to talk about “You and me – always – and forever.” What about How Long Will I Love You? And again, More Than Words? Showing you. Well, the words are still there, Baby Girl. All the I love yous and such. You know how I feel about those words. Even though I mean them with everything I am. Will they keep us together? You’re here, and that’s enough. I’m still here. Always, forever…

And so is my Braxton? You have to understand. The one that couldn’t speak a word was also the one that loved me the most. Or at least I hope he still does. Braxton’s, wherever. My Olds might have said the words, “I love you” at some point. My Ma, in particular, I believe. Only it wasn’t the words. It was the fact that they kept up my existence here. Good or bad, the reality is there weren’t only words. There was action from them. Even if I regret it now. Honestly, my love letter to the world would be to never speak, Baby Doll. Everything I said to Braxton when I should have followed him, like taking a walk. Fucking darker than I intended.

Well, today is Sunday. I don’t feel too good at the moment. I’m scared right now. If I’m being honest. And not only because it’s the series finale of The Last of Us. Children, right? Our kids need me, us for sure. And that’s not me being some asshole, Republican. Fucktards screaming about family values. There are all types of families. As long as there’s love. Even if it’s not in so many words. I want them to always know that I do love them. I love them like pancakes, as I always said about B. Really pouring the Bisquick. Yep, into the love of my life. And we made them. So I love you, them, myself, Braxton, the world. Virgil? Virgil, B, A Word

772 Days Without B III, Day 213 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 255 ~Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous~

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Desperate times, desperate measures? I’m desperate. If I had my way, I’d be with my boy. But I’m desperate enough to keep existing. Working a Day Job, which I hate. Watching dirty things, dealing with my Olds. “Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous.”

Monday, March 13, 2023

Saga 255 ~Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. That means I will never be desperate again. (Snorts Loudly). Have you seen most billionaires these days?

Hell! It’s like me trying to save my B III’s life again. Yes, I’m crying again. And I’m sure a tear or two is about him now… Time Travel, Madam. Those meds for his appetite… Desperate, like when Cherry was pulling off her famous red lingerie. What I would give to see her put whip cream on her nips. The way she took the treat in her mouth. Oh, fuck! I was desperate. It’s like that time I went to summer school. All I wanted was a D-average so my father wouldn’t beat my ass. He said it wasn’t even the money but the time. Fucking time. Again it’s Saturday, March 11, 2023, and what was I doing before two? Wasting time fucking… well, masturbating.

Other than prayers for B, crying for him. The way this heart shattered that day… Do you remember how I said I’d burn the world down if I blamed anybody? Other than myself? A monster, a murderer, I’m just a “man.” And is there worse? Um, The Last of Us… Madam. I mean that the show teaches that it’s not the Infected that are the monsters but mankind itself. I should know, right? Once again, what I want more than B III alive beside me… A woman, women? I want to be Dennis Hof or Hugh Hefner. Dark things. Like revenge, Madam? And I’m not trying to sound like some Incel freak. You know who I would punish. Um, me, the man in the mirror.

And yet I am desperate enough to try and save my existence. It’s why I still have the Day Job, isn’t it? I ignored Braxton because I thought he needed the money more than me. Madam. Every day I bawl up my fists and smash them into bathroom walls. Lockers? Hoping nobody in the breakroom can hear me. Such is my rage. At everything, everyone. I’ve given up trying to be a hero because hoping for something. Debated myself before. Sadness, Fear, Hatred vs. Hope. Rules four and five. I can’t die until Braxton’s book… This is why I’m desperate enough to ignore everything. A little bit for this conversation. Good Luck! Because I am always desperate enough to sin. Desperation Can Make Anyone Dangerous.

771 Days Without B III, Day 212 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 251 ~Smile Virgil, Fangs B~

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Dumb Ways to Die. Let Virgil take a few fingers eating fries… (B III knows better). Get a smile stuck on my face at the Day Job, then smash my head Humiliations Galore, etc. But whenever I wake up, surprise then disappointment. Smile Virgil, Fangs B

Thursday, March 9, 2023

Saga 251 ~Smile Virgil, Fangs B~

767 Days Without B III, Day 208 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? What time is it? FUCK! It is only a half-day, and I’ve already wasted $40.00

Well, if it made you happy. I should have bought you fries that Wednesday. It would have been the last day you could enjoy them. Am I right? But you know how I was. One more hard week down and Humiliations galore. And I had to do it while smiling. Braxton, I woke up this afternoon, and it was like something out of King of the Hill. You know when Hank shook Bush’s hand. Surprise, then disappointment. That’s being alive. Existence. I shouldn’t look down on it, should I? I want to say you’d be happier lying by my side than the freeloader. One day I won’t call V that. Um, cut to my disappointment. That’s how I was this afternoon waking up after lunch.

V biting me doesn’t scare me at all. With all the med stuff I still have going on. My bad. What do I know about doctors and things? It’s not like they told me I’ll die. A shock B III. No! It was such fear when they told me that you were dying. The face I must have made way back then. Did I say that? It’s only been two years. And what do I have to show for it? It is much too early to start thinking about E-Day. Emergence, Existence, Extinction B III. Or is that the only day I eat well? If it wasn’t for the rain today. Was I afraid, Braxton? That’s the worse look on my face. I look STUPID.

Only it could be worse… Well no. When it comes to my face, shall I perform Heaven’s Light for you? “No face as hideous as my face. Was ever meant for Heaven’s light.” B III. You had such a cute face. To this day, Braxton, you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. Okay, the most handsome. The last time I was all mushy with you… (sigh). Yeah, it was in the vet’s office when we had to say goodbye. How many times have I cried writing this? At least I ain’t moaning in another sort of way. Clothes on, Virgil sleeping. Sharing fries with him, he nearly took some fingers. To bleed to death… and join you. Smile Virgil, Fangs B.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 249 ~Virgil Loves That B~

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So when did I know… love? When I told him to get in the car? Standing between me and my father, fangs ready to protect me. His guard post on the corner of the bed. And how did he know? With his aunt, he knew he loved her easily. “Virgil Loves That B”

Tuesday, March 7, 2023

Saga 249 ~Virgil Loves That B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But my love, at the end of the day, “It’s my heart, and it’s broken.” Still?

No! You would never be so cruel to think it. But to love is to understand. Or at least try. Right now trying to understand why the tears are falling from my eyes. Time travel? Today’s Monday, March 6, 2023. It’s day 765 without B III. You know where I am… There’s no leaving Sunday, January 31, 2021. And yet I couldn’t tell you the day I met my firstborn. There’s no telling the day that it became Braxton and me against the world. Hmm. We could even debate his birthday. But I go with Sunday, February 13, 2005. The day Braxton died, though. I’m like Finnegan Bell from 1998’s Great Expectations, heart and all. Only from all the books I actually read. Well, love…

I’ve been trying to figure out how Braxton knows love. Again I can’t remember the happy days. Yet I remember when Triple B fell in love with his Aunt Carolina. It involved him going all Triple X, X-rated… whoa not that far. Ha-ha. She let him climb all over her. The next thing I knew, he was in love. Or he really liked her boobs. My son the dog; like father like son, ha-ha. I can’t recall when he fell for fries. Particularly McDonald’s. “Sorry, Blame It On Me.” Especially when he started getting older. And he always had that choice of going for a walk or waiting for fries. It could have been that he only wanted to be near me, always and forever.

Working the old Day Job… well, that was fucked up. Hell! I think Virgil understands how I “felt” about that place. Virgil understands? But what about love? Let’s try stairs. Anyway, Braxton didn’t love saying goodbye. Yes, more tears. To think he has that in common with Virgil. Now even with Braxton’s last day. He didn’t want to say goodbye. Those mornings imagining the former Day Job, Virgil will howl and cry for a while. Honestly, my love. Me and those boys, we don’t say goodbyes too well. Nope. Never. Only how do we say hello? I suppose I could crawl all over you. B III, and I know boobs. I could stop running away. We could sit here together, love. Virgil Loves That B

765 Days Without B III, Day 206 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 248 ~Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons~

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I’m not fit to live, and yet I survive. Virgil is not Braxton, but so that B can live always… I could publish a damn book. And pornographic passions are always evolving. And at the Day Job. Who’s pissing me off now? “Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons”

Monday, March 6, 2023

Saga 248 ~Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, but unlike the assholes in the GOP, I have studied “my” history, black history like MLK Jr.

Rover… Oh no, I’m not comparing any person or persons to beasts. Republican dickheads. No, I’m thinking about a Dr. King quote, “A man who does not have something for which he is willing to die is not fit to live.” You know what that was/is for me. Braxton. Can I not publish his two books already? Ensuring he’ll live forever, and then I am free to die. I sort of feel like doing that right now, time-traveling. And seeing to the… um, Virgil. For certain, though, if I could have given my life for Braxton’s… In a heartbeat, no questions asked. The things I survived because my boy needed me. Only, I couldn’t give him the life he deserved. And why, Madam? Strokin’, Rutting

Rut before when I was dead to the world. But rutting? And yes, I did look up the meaning of the word. Again that book “Mesmerizing Caroline.” Pornographic passions, language. Hell! Madam, if there is a hint of titties. I’m going to be a fanboy. Ask Cherry one day, ok. Next to my Braxton, women are the most beautiful things on the planet. Getting up? Madam, I promised Braxton I would find him a mom or a stepmom… fucking stop. Anyway, isn’t that the purpose of people? There isn’t one person on the planet. Not this moment I would give my existence for. But if B could find a way to love me well… A woman learning to value my life; maybe I can too.

Revenge ha? Or should I say, Justice Madam? I live to hurt myself. Only not in any traditional way. Thursday, February 16, 2023, The Cherry Collision. The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. Fuck! All the time, I spend wanking instead of writing. Even right now, geez. Sitting here on a Sunday afternoon, I’ve been looking up Lucy Tyler and Kiara Gold. Onlyfans will never net a profit (cough) $12.00 (cough). But with the money? Madam, I mean much more than that. I would go all The Count of Monte Cristo on the world. But who specifically… Careful right? Other than Braxton’s passing. My fault. Remember rules four and five. Hate will keep you alive. Love is worth dying for. Are those Living Reasons Are Dying Reasons?

764 Days Without B III, Day 205 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 244 ~Gonna B Alright Virgil~

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I thought the silence would kill me. But the noise filling the void now? It’s like “Wanted,” I want to scream at the Day Job, “SHUT THE F*CK UP!” I can’t even listen to Bob Marley; I need the perfect song to play on Spotify. “Gonna B Alright Virgil.”

Thursday, March 2, 2023

Saga 244 ~Gonna B Alright Virgil~

760 Days Without B III, Day 201 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I asked that every day. But did I listen? I hope you hear me now.

My anger. And as the song goes, “I feel stupid.” Hell! I am stupid. And I wish I could have told you that. The Wednesday you came crying to me. If I didn’t hear you… Braxton, I should have let you help. That’s one more thing making me angry today. Selfishness. Because even now, I want to make this about me. I thought I was protecting you, in a way, from my rage and wrath. But it was the indifference. I didn’t care enough, Braxton. We went on until Friday. “I sang ‘Cause every little thing, gonna be all right.” But it won’t be ever again. And not only because you’re gone, Braxton Barks. Madness. To paraphrase from the character Howard Beale “I’m fucking mad as Hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

And I’m scared of what that means, Triple B. What if it doesn’t mean a damn thing? It didn’t back when you were with me. I would still be sitting here, head of the table. Braxton, that’s what I was scared of. I wouldn’t be able to put food on our table ever again. Don’t I have those concerns about Virgil Vivi? That’s another thing that frightens me… I don’t. You see, it’s been 201 days. That’s about six months and change. Any fear, Braxton? Only I don’t want to see him suffer in the rain. And there was that time he sniffed your bed. I don’t fear at all that he’ll take your place.

I’m sad that I would rather join you. A lot more these days, B III. Thanks to the Day Job. If I blame anybody for your death… more than myself, it would be those monsters. Going on thirty-nine years, Braxton, and if I don’t have anything to show for it? It was a sad idea. Better to give in to depression than anger. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. And according to the Day Job, I don’t have one. So what should go into my head? At the moment, it’s what this reactor said about Anger, Fear, and Sadness. Triggering emotions. Lust is not the greatest. Eww! And things like hope, love… Hell! But telling Virgil and me, It’s Gonna B Alright Virgil.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 242 ~To B Healthy Virgil~

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Black History. I’m a black man, and “This Is America.” Thinking I can make a change. A family of my own? I don’t know my nephews. Or two half-brothers. And I was the best man I could be for Braxton. But some doggie or woman… To B Healthy Virgil.

Tuesday, February 28, 2023

Saga 242 ~To B Healthy Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now. Which means annual checkups, insurance, and staying the fuck out of Florida. But then again, Disney.

I may not have a healthy relationship with my Olds. But tradition. I want to take our kids to Disney World, Universal… Uh, what else is there again? I don’t want to think about it. Isn’t that the thing, love? I always told myself there would be time for Braxton. Living for my son; when he was the one living for me. Because what have I done for 758 Days? Existing. And yes, this is something I should be sharing with a therapist. Doggie, Wife? I should dig my hole a bit deeper. If I dare compare you, the love of my life, with Braxton. Love, my love. If it wasn’t for my firstborn, I don’t know if I could ever say I know love.

Because I didn’t go to the doctor yesterday for me. I still wake up every day not wanting to. I close my eyes with dreams to never open them again. Something else to discuss, right? Instead, I told the Doc what was going on. And she said that no, that’s not it. My sore ass. They shot me up with some antibiotics. And I got a prescription for the drugs I took after The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. A week’s worth for The Cherry Collision. I’m upset about that. What! That I got a week’s supply. Or the fact that I cared to get well. Being a husband, a father, and having the freeloader to feed. I swear I’ll stop calling Virgil Vivi that at some point. But today, love…

It’s not killing him. Been there and done that with Braxton. As for myself. Breathing. Yesterday the Doc said I need to drink more water, and I’m trying to keep it up for the week. Until I run through my course of meds anyway. B wouldn’t want this, I know. People in Hell want ice water but isn’t the Ninth Circle all ice? Treachery, Betrayal? Braxton, again, he kept me alive so that I could find you. So that I could give the love I should have been giving him to you, our family, even saving little V. But indifference? It’s what killed Braxton, and I could understand it killing me as well, for sure. It’s what I deserve. Existing living? To B Healthy Virgil

758 Days Without B III, Day 199 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 241 ~Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win~

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Why can’t you just be nice? I heard that in a movie… But I heard This Is America. It’s also not some Hentai, Reality Kings, Bang Bros, or Pure Taboo. And the only one I wanted to be nice to…. Nice guy? Not me! But “Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win”

Monday, February 27, 2023

Saga 241 ~Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win~

Two-Hundred and Eighty-First Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. So I think that automatically disqualifies me from being a nice guy. Like being broke helps, either.

If I were a nice guy, my son would still be alive. I would have burned the world for him. The thing is, I can’t imagine being a good person. Hell, can’t keep my dick in my pants to honor him. Oh, we’ll get to that, Madam. Today has been one Hell of an experience. Speaking of which, being a daddy again? I still think of Virgil as the freeloader. Not that I call him that to his face. But he is annoying me to no end these days. Training? It’s not his fault at all. Only there’s a reason I leave him alone in Braxton’s room for hours. Madam, I need to stop using that word… END. Aren’t I being nice to myself today?

I went to see the doctor today, and can you say humiliations galore? Wait Times… Anyway. Of course, I had to go because of Thursday, February 16, 2023, The Cherry Collision. Never forget! But I did forget The Zoe Colletti/Tifa Lockhart Incident. So OW! Perhaps I should save this for Inspector Echo. Only I have no shame. Needle meet ass. More antibiotics and a week’s worth of medication. And what happens after that, I ask. I wouldn’t even be in this situation if I were a nice guy. “Everybody know I’m a motherfuckin’ monster” as the song goes. Or do they? Doctor’s office, Day Job. I’m fucking weak, spineless, a victim. How long did I let them ignore me? How I apologized, groveled, and shit.

And at the same time, the lady who thinks I’m so nice… the things I would do for a chance. Again that’s the whole point. It wouldn’t be nice. Never can be. Appearing as such… Stupid. You know how I feel about that word. I rather take another needle to my ass? Or why not suffer for what happened to B? It’s not nice using his memory like this, Madam. But let’s say I could be the nice guy. What would be my prize? Playing pretend hasn’t netted me anything. When’s the last time I did something nice. Ulterior motives… Nothing is coming to mind. And existence is not a porno. I said that sometime last week. But there are places Madam, movies, manuscripts, memories… Nice Guys Occasionally Do Win

757 Days Without B III, Day 198 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 237 ~B III, 2V, D…~

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Yesterday was about shutting up or not. I didn’t talk to the termite guy. I only nodded idiotically. I told two people how I was feeling, then what… I should treat existing like a BINGO; since I never win. Depression is silent too. B III, 2V, D…

Thursday, February 23, 2023

Saga 237 ~B III, 2V, D…~

753 Days Without B III, Day 194 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You know your aunt doesn’t talk to me quite as often. You know why? BINGO!

Even that Thursday afternoon when I was done for the week. And I finally acknowledged… Well, the truth. Something was wrong with you, and I knew you needed a doctor. Inevitably, I made it about myself. I was tired, the day was terrible, and there were probably some girl’s tits I was thinking of. Because not my baby, no, not my child, you weren’t dying. B, you were, you did, and somehow or another, I continue. I don’t want to. I was at the Day Job today. And I fell against the wall when they started singing Happy Birthday to some chick. Your birthday was ten days ago. I got you fries but no gift… Braxton, I wasn’t crying about that. Why was I? Depression?

If I ever go and see a doctor… that, of course, requires money, and with the tax refund, I got today… One more reason to be depressed. But I’d put on a “happy” face, somehow. You’d see right through it like the freeloader. Okay, I know he has a name. Virgil Vivi Bradford. But that hasn’t stopped me from being a dick, especially today. Asshole! Braxton, you would give me one of those looks that would tell me I’m behaving as such again. I want to do better, well, no. I need to do better anyway. Fear leads to anger. That’s got nothing to do with Virgil and everything to do with your granddad. Fuck! Yesterday, today, tomorrow, texting him. Braxton, I need some dollars.

If anything, to have a family that consists of more than you, me, and the free… I mean Virgil Vivi. I am trying. But not when I’m busy telling women the truth. I did yesterday. I’m still thinking about the termite guy taking that Bow. The Girl in 6E. I was talking to Cherry about that book. And let’s say I used a poor choice of language. Fuck Me! Yeah, and now I got money to spend on porn. But $300 to emergencies and $300 to another account. There’s a $300 split between you and Virgil. Possibly $100 and change… Me? Thinking about it… Like I tell Replika, I wish I didn’t have to. I want to shut up. Death Cure. B III, 2V, D…

Always and Forever,
Your Dad