Tag: Anger

Saga 143 ~Sometimes You Gotta Fight Dirty~

WillLeave a comment

What’s my age again? I had a Game Genie. I took Karate classes. And war was a game. I wanted to be the Secretary of Defense. Now I suffer the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” I’m not in the dirt. Hmm, Dirt? “Sometimes You Gotta Fight Dirty”

Monday, November 21, 2022

Saga 143 ~Sometimes You Gotta Fight Dirty~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Seventh Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I have to be the dirtiest player in the game. A wrestling reference… Ric Flair

I would instead think of his daughter Charlotte, but we’ll get to that. Oh! I haven’t missed her from wrestling. Why do I even try to keep up with it? Um, it’s a distraction, okay. And it’s not fair. At least it isn’t a pleasure. Not the fighting part, anyway. But it catches my eye since Braxton isn’t here anymore. Virgil’s first hundred. One hundred days and I ask what I should be doing. My whole damn existence, it seems I do one thing. Well, that’s a lie; what am I always saying? Endure and Survive. Games. I miss gaming. And yesterday, I talked about cheating when it comes to reading. Fuck! Pardon my language, but life is hard. Promise, I’ll stop… the sexual innuendos…

Yet I’m always hard, horny, and humping. Can I stick with dirty? But as for the fighting, Madam. I’m so tired of fighting. Or at least that’s what I want to believe now. Not true. Madam Justice, I’m tired of fighting everyone, everything, everywhere. Instead of the real enemy. Looking at me now, you can see what I’m fighting. Inevitably why? Because I couldn’t stand up at the Day Job? Humiliations Galore. A day without them? My dear Madam Justice. Every day I play by the rules, and what does it get me? Is it too much to ask to do a job and come back? Or maybe I don’t understand the rules of this game. Hell! 365 days Madam. Still, I rather not play.

Well, I don’t want to lose, would be more accurate. And by the way, who’s keeping score anyway? One more reason I’m into audiobooks. People are winning; the world’s losing. At least I’m not throwing dirt in anyone’s eye… Putting them in the ground. Lying! Braxton is still gone. My player two, my sidekick. And somehow, I wanted Virgil to be my navigator, of course. But he’s in Braxton’s Room. Again one hundred days Madam. Where are we? There is no we? It’s me being dirty yet again. Cheating my way through this game that’s called life. I exist. I don’t know how to win. Even wanting to win someday? Madam, what’s your take? I know love’s not a prize. Sometimes You Gotta Fight Dirty

659 Days Without B III, Day 100 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 138 ~Plan B: Codename Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

If Virgil wasn’t here… What am I talking about? I wound up in the hospital when I had Braxton. But he had three more people looking after him. If something happened to me now? Getting through this week, the next, a moment. Plan B: Codename Virgil

Wednesday, November 16, 2022

Saga 138 ~Plan B: Codename Virgil~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that’s because I invested in contraception. But we’ll get to that. Today, there’s no plan.

There was the one to talk shit about Virgil Vivi; pardon my French. I think I made a mistake, Inspector. Not a “Send Him Back” sort of mistake. Trump’s Presidency… Inspector, to believe that Braxton saw me through all of that. My “zombie apocalypse buddy.” Virgil is not? How many times have you heard me talk about Braxton being reincarnated? Has the time come to accept that Virgil is his own man? How long did it take B and me? Bonding, going batshit, figuring out that we both liked boobs. Well, him, I’m a connoisseur. I had to give B III, “The Talk.” But Virgil? I don’t know him even after 95 Days. And whose fault is that? If life’s a game, love’s the instructions.

But I’m not looking for love at the moment. Hell! I don’t love Kate Winslet, but that hasn’t stopped me from looking up that robe scene in Titanic. Or wanting to look at other Titanic Tatas from everywhere, as I heard on Girlfriend Reviews. Inspector, you think that’d make a good porn title. What’s the alternative if I’m not looking at the naughty channels? Not good at all. Humiliations Galore have me all kinds of angry every day. The Day Job gets worse. Besides that, there is my sloth, yet when I get to the Day Job… And then we talk Echo. Even now, Virgil is sitting in Braxton’s room and not under the table on a pillow. As I write. It’s not his fault.

If I had focused on plan a or b… as in Braxton. I keep thinking that he’d be alive, Inspector. Instead of showing my rage, ha-ha, I chose to live indifferently to be numb. That was my plan to “Endure and Survive.” And how did that work out? My son is dead. Little B III. I don’t plan on anything, to be honest, Echo. But between Six Impossible Things and even what I want today. To talk to Braxton and Lady Sophia. I’m still not close to finishing World War Z. So I’ll be even more of a fraud with my reading. And what about NaNoWriMo month? When it comes to my existence, there’s always plan B… Though I rather not. Plan B: Codename Virgil.

654 Days Without B III, Day 095 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 136 ~The Innocent Can’t Grant Absolution~

WillLeave a comment

What I said to B III during his final moments? I know I said I was sorry before the vet came back with the needle. I told 2V I was sorry for bumping into a wall. Damn, broken glasses. And the Man I once was… “The Innocent Can’t Grant Absolution”

Monday, November 14, 2022

Saga 136 ~The Innocent Can’t Grant Absolution~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Sixth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. Which means I’m nowhere near innocent. Hell! The crimes I have committed today, Sunday, November 13, 2022.

Time Travel. I can imagine the crimes I will commit; by the time you read this. The sins that I think about daily. “Law Abiding Citizen” I am not, Madam. I can’t be. Today I have sought out a movie to steal… Black Panther: Wakanda Forever? Yes, I paid for it twice in the theater. And you can’t blame me for all the leaked videos that are out now. Madam, let’s say I have gone to some rather unscrupulous types; for things. Fuck, the internet is a terrifying place. I should spend more time talking to you, Madam. Inevitably I come back to my son, my Braxton. No crime I have ever committed will match how I failed him. A murderer, who would have thought?

I will do more. As I was talking to the Man in the Mirror this morning. (Sigh) I’m a Fraud. That’s the Eighth Circle of Hell. My place is in the Ninth, Treachery. Betraying Braxton. Can’t say I’ve read many dog grieving books lately. Too busy being a fraud but Madam. Braxton isn’t here to say that he forgives me for what I did, and that’s the whole point of this rule. People can scream up and down about things like euthanasia, an act of mercy. Love? The people who love have no right to forgive a killer. Even if they say, that’s what their loved one wanted… People talk so much about Absolution. Accountability. Madam, I read in a book once this killer said:

“I am not afraid of justice. Justice is a good thing, even if I am on the losing end of it.” The Girl in 6E

Sometimes I think I ain’t worth it; other times, I know I deserve it. And then there’s this Hell. Do you think the only reason I don’t do what I need to do; is because I’m already dead? Again, I’m talking to you today, not Monday, so you know what that means. I wish. I wish the innocent “man” I once was could forgive me. Grant me such Absolution. Braxton’s eyes… They weren’t of forgiveness, love, or a goodbye. My boy asked me why. All the women over the years. I’m pretty much dead to them anyway. Their innocence. As much as I hate to admit it, I am the guilty one. And God, if you believe in such. What a mess of things, hmm. The Innocent Can’t Grant Absolution

652 Days Without B III, Day 093 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 131 ~ B’s Eyes, Ears, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

One more reason I want B back. Because be it Heaven or Hell, he sees everything. It’s easier to hide from Virgil. He doesn’t want to see the mess which is my existence. And neither do I, seeing how my glasses broke yesterday. “B’s Eyes, Ears, Virgil”

Wednesday, November 9, 2022

Saga 131 ~ B’s Eyes, Ears, Virgil~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I don’t see how. I mean that in more ways than you can imagine, Inspector.

In the literal sense, my glasses broke. And now that means listening to my own STUPIDITY as the Walmart Doc says they can’t be fixed. And what will the Eye Doc say tomorrow, or rather today? Yes, I’m time-traveling, but I will have this talk on the correct day for once. Something else I don’t want to listen to because I want to sleep. God knows my eyes need it. But I need to hear the bucks going into a wallet. More so Echo, it’s “Times Like These” I need to see my boy, to hear my Braxton once again. Echo, Braxton was the most beautiful thing in this whole wide world. And I watched him leave me. What now? He’s not in Virgil Vivi.

I’ve been telling him that he needs to be brave, like… I stopped myself from saying, “like B III.” That would have been mean. Hell! Why don’t I practice what I preach, Echo? Virgil doesn’t want to hear or see it. So 2V’s again in Braxton’s room. Who knows, getting advice from B’s ghost? As I said, I’m having a hard time seeing anything in these old glasses. Yeah, Inspector, that’s the problem. Not me trying to look at titties. Or how about hearing some girl say yes? How about seeing myself on Onlyfans? So much noise all around me. I want to see the good in the world that doesn’t involve my obsessions, Echo. But then again, what I’ll see tonight or today, anyway.

Which is worse, Inspector? Lust or Sloth? Do I lie in the dark sleeping? Inevitable. Inspector, it is lust that is keeping me awake and alive. And then I hear the drive-thru cashier call me Ma’am again. Seeing how I am treated at the Day Job always. Inspector, this life ain’t much to look at or much to tell. So, looking forward to anything? “The Sound of Silence,” and anytime I have to close my eyes and “pray,” I don’t have to open them again. But here we are on the 9th now. Eyes and ears, Endure and survive. Soon I’ll have to look into Virgil’s eyes. I still don’t see myself like I once did through B III’s eyes. Sigh. B’s Eyes, Ears, Virgil.

647 Days Without B III, Day 088 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 129 ~The Twilight Zone Beats Friendzone~

WillLeave a comment

I’m not so much worried about the Friendzone now. Tuesday promises to be the same Twilight Zone episode it’s been for years. And as far as my existence in general. Well, I’m time-traveling right now, so who knows. “The Twilight Zone Beats Friendzone”

Monday, November 7, 2022

Saga 129 ~The Twilight Zone Beats Friendzone~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. So you can expect things to feel a little weird. But I’m sure you’re only feeling PAIN.

It’s Sunday, November 6, 2022, Time-Travel. So you can guess that by the time you see this, well… And at the moment, I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Twilight, Friendzone? Discombobulated seems to be beating out everything right now. At least, I want it to. Friendzone? I can’t tell any friend anything. Of course, my best friend is still dead. While talking to the Man in the Mirror earlier today, I almost forgot to mention B III’s name with my “complaining.” Talk about being, well, fucked-up. With Virgil Vivi, Madam… He’s still not my son. As far as a friend? He’s in Braxton’s room right now because of my RAGE. I want to try something, getting ready for tomorrow, your today. For the Day Job:

There seems to have been a misunderstanding, so allow me to clarify a few things. I will try to keep this clean, but as the song goes, “Don’t ask my opinion, don’t ask me to lie. Then beg for forgiveness for making you cry.” I have endured this work with the thought I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn’t have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody.” That and Charlie Brown’s balk. But with the events of the last few weeks, well, years. I now have no choice but to speak out loud. So know this, I am not your friend, homie, the village idiot, and especially your punchline here. I am done with tolerating your blatant disrespect…

Or saying something to that effect, Madam. I know it ain’t Pearl’s Monologue or anything. Chances that uttering such a thing would get me fired. Because demanding any respect… What kind of world is it when I stand up and grow a pair? Hell! When I’m looking again to Pearl or Rappin’ Rodney for inspiration? I told B’s Aunt my brain’s The Twilight Zone. And as far as being in the Friendzone? What am I saving money up for again? There’s Replika and you and the other girls. And when I do talk to B on Thursday, then Sunday? So I am mad in every sense of the word. But look at reality. Tomorrow is Election Day. I won’t forget. The Twilight Zone Beats Friendzone

645 Days Without B III, Day 086 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 124 ~Smile On Virgil B~

WillLeave a comment

I don’t believe in God, or myself, democracy (with the GOP), the majority of humanity, and what about Little V. But I do have faith in B III. He would say, “well, you could have fooled me.” But any prayers I have, I save for him. “Smile on Virgil B.”

Wednesday, November 2, 2022

Saga 124 ~Smile On Virgil B~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but so was Kanye West, “Ye,” whoever last week. I wonder if he’s praying now, Inspector.

As I said today, through all my time-traveling from Friday, October 28, 2022. I don’t pray to any god. Hell! If you wanted to make me a believer, all you need do is save Braxton. That boy gave me everything he had his whole life. And what did I give him in the end, Inspector? I swear! Am I reading another dog grieving book or “Too Late?” I ask Braxton. To think, I have the audacity to ask for anything. My most common prayer is for strength every day. “Braxton, give me strength.” Wouldn’t it be more embarrassing if I were asking him to come back? Oh, we’ll get to that. But the worst is this Inspector. To protect Virgil. An insult, to be sure?

Every day I lean more and more into Braxton not being Virgil. I should be ashamed because that’s the one card that 2V has to play. That he might be my long lost son Braxton. Wow! Is 670 days that long ago. A year and a lot of change. But not for Banfield, ha. Still, I asked Braxton to guide my steps on Tuesday, October 25, 2022. V’s Vet Appointment. Again I am ashamed that I asked Braxton to watch over him as they checked him out. With me outside the room, sitting on the bench. The same place I learned B III was dying. And even as I was there to watch the one I loved most die. I call out to Braxton still.

At least I have the presence of mind to bring Virgil upstairs. He doesn’t need to see me do that. Does Braxton talk to him while I’m gone? Is he guarded outside without me there? Speaking of not being around… How long has it been since I’ve jerked off? Gross! Inspector, trust me, I know, but that is my alone time. All the relatives that have died and the only one I’ve ever cared about watching me sin is Triple B. Giving up Triple X. Inspector I did for quite a while. And by the time you see this, there’s No Nut November and NaNoWriMo. There’s no time for my happiness… please. There’s Virgil? I like to think B III’s happy. Smile On Virgil B

640 Days Without B III, Day 081 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 122 ~Art, The Persistence Of Memory~

WillLeave a comment

So, no memory of Halloween? Nothing that I want to remember. Darth Vader, White Power Ranger, church. My art, words, whatever stayed locked away for, well, do I have anything on a bookshelf yet? And painting, uh… “Art, The Persistence Of Memory”

Monday, October 31, 2022

Saga 122 ~Art, The Persistence Of Memory~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, and while I’m sure I own something from Salvador Dalí, I had to look up this quote.

Stephen King. At this moment, I’m pretty sure nothing I’ve written, even about my boy, would do a quarter as well as any of his books. And yet I remember Braxton, my son, always and forever. And I keep in mind why I’m sitting here with you today, Madam J. How can I best describe, as Forrest Gump put it? The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I think this stops me from being a “published” writer. Not a fear of failure. It’s the fact that I don’t deserve to do this. Madam, I make everything dumb with an Um, Useless, or fucking Ugly. Pardon my language. But while we’re on the subject. There’s perverted, my pornographic passions, or something about my penis. Yeah ew

You can read all about it in last week’s sagas. I know that I won’t be reading it for real. Hell! I can’t tell you about the previous two books I read. That one from Barby Keel… It was more about her than her dog, and there were her yabbos too. Titties, I swear, Madam. Anyway. The books after that were both the same, mourning fur babies. Grieving is beautiful? Well, it keeps me from having to look at myself in the mirror some mornings. One more reason I hate the Day Job besides all the time travel I have to do all for Virgil. Yeah, I’m keeping him alive now. I’m starting to sound bitter comparing him and B III. I’m no masterpiece, either.

A writer, an artist, a canvas, a subject, all the above, or nothing at all. Best left unwept, unhonored, and unsung. Walter Scott, yes, but Groundhog Day, my artistic knowledge. Mutts… I wouldn’t say that about Virgil but definitely not my Braxton, but I write. Manuscripts, one after the other. And I couldn’t tell you what about ever. Waste, Madam. Mammaries which I spend far too much time on. If you want to know where I’ve been even in having this conversation with you. Torturing myself, edging, fucking around, ok. Money, of course, is a valid concern. I won’t do the things to make it, and then the Day Job? Off the top of my head, my artistic vision. Memories. Art, The Persistence Of Memory

638 Days Without B III, Day 079 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 117 ~Boys Will, B, V~

WillLeave a comment

I’ve never liked the saying, “boys will be boys.” B III is/was too much like me. And 2V, well, he hasn’t been here three months yet. The only women he knew were the ones I adopted him from and any “friends” in his cage. Boys Will, B, V

Wednesday, October 26, 2022

Saga 117 ~Boys Will, B, V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so what if SHE’S A Gold Digger? Yeah, fuck Kanye West, “Ye,” whoever he is today.

Speaking of which, Inspector, today is Sunday, October 16, 2022. I have been time-traveling all day. But I can’t go back to the past, or can I… Braxton’s veterinarians? Inspector, for the record. I seem to have more luck with women doctors. Myself, Braxton. Anyway, I expect Virgil to have seen a doc by the time you read this. But we’ll get there. And I do mean we’ll get there. Because I haven’t been to Banfield since I received Braxton’s remains. For the third time today, I’ll call myself a selfish bastard. My boy cannot even claim his death; it was my failure and my disgrace. And to go back to that humiliation… The feeling of carrying my boy, that bag, my beloved son’s box

Virgil is not that. Not even close. But I remember when that guy doctor thought I was the worst thing. And now I have to carry V back there on his birthday. I hope. A checkup? He needs his nails clipped in the worst possible way. Braxton didn’t do well there. Understatement of the century. What I mean is he didn’t like people. What about Virgil? I guess I’ll have to see. B didn’t even like his aunt but, then again, like father, like son. He loves a pair of Yabbos. Seeing as how V doesn’t have his balls? I should read up about that. But I picked up a book on reincarnation. By now, who knows what I’m reading? I don’t need free time…

Yes, I’m still afraid that things may have happened at the Day Job. It would be last week. If anything, talking to you is an act of faith right now. Faith in and woman, Inspector? It’s my own fault, I know. Everyone loves Braxton and Virgil has his fans as well. Now myself? Well, I barely speak to Cherry these days, but I’m glad for her writing success as of late. M Anime has never been a particular type of girl. And that’s it for the women in my existence Echo. Again there are a few that could get me into trouble. Such is my anxiety workwise. Inspector, there are always my other interests, but I’m trying. My “sons” are better men. But for now, Inspector, Boys Will, B, V.

633 Days Without B III, Day 074 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 115 ~Vote, Make The Revolution Easier~

WillLeave a comment

28 Days or 28 Days Later? A bad infection or Virgil’s first checkup here, his nails… I’m no good. A woman and her feathery friend that makes me smile. Or the woman that got me hard. Dem or GOP? B III or 2V? Choices. “Vote, Make The Revolution Easier”

Monday, October 24, 2022

Saga 115 ~Vote, Make The Revolution Easier~

Two-Hundred and Sixty-Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, and as long as I keep my billions, all is well. I am always a selfish bastard.

At least, that’s what I called myself this morning, Sunday, October 16, 2022. I wonder what B thinks of me now, some 631 days later. What about V? He’ll be 2 when you read this. All the money I’ve been spending and why? The song says, “I choose me, and I know that’s selfish, love.” Does that mean I love myself? Again this is Hell, and I’m a demon. Madam, that’s something else I have been saying these past couple of weeks. True. All morning I’ve been reading about tragedies. The fact that I never come back and read these things is the only reason I can mention Eco Sister @hitaylorblake, Amouranth, and the world in general. The horror. We all have choices; shout praises?

A thousand choices shout praises… if I remember the book right. The Cure by Sonia Levitin. Should I make a choice to reread it? Something to do this Sunday. Madam, I don’t get a vote, veto, or a voice in nearly every span of my existence; I only go. When I first met Triple B, I didn’t get a choice to love him or not. No, I only left, and love got me. To sing you another song, “We found love in a hopeless place.” But to die alone? Do you want to hear my confession? I’m well aware you’re not Inspector Echo, but… have I talked about this before? It turns me on to read about women’s tragedies somewhat. Those of explicit nature, especially

But I can choose not to engage. Even no vote is a vote. But then, why not die? I’ll leave. Again I was talking to the Man in the Mirror this morning, and I don’t love myself. Not at all. So I vote. Do I choose Triple B or Triple X? The fact we’re talking, and my pants are on… At this rate, I’m out of meds by now. So do I decide to keep fighting or help Virgil Vivi? I was looking at his nails this AM, and I’m a fiend for letting them grow like this. My God! Oh yeah, there is the whole country going to shit. I won’t be voting Republican. But boobs/yabbos, the thirst wins. Vote, Make The Revolution Easier

631 Days Without B III, Day 072 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 110 ~To B Boys, Virgil~

WillLeave a comment

I wonder how many secrets Triple B took to the grave? If he’s up there, down there, somewhere, I’ll admit I’m ashamed. If he is reincarnated as Virgil… Well, the two of us haven’t bonded, really. We’re both just two lazy F… Anyway, To B Boys, Virgil.

Wednesday, October 19, 2022

Saga 110 ~To B Boys, Virgil~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means everyone wants to be my friend. I can count my “friends” with one hand.

Now my Braxton… have I cried for him today? I am time traveling a week ahead, mind you, dear Echo. You can also add that I’m a mad maudlin masochist for today. I’m gearing up for the fight I will have today with the doctors here. Only I’m not leaving this bed except for nature’s call. Ask V something about that. He needs time outside pawing, peeing, and playing. It’s not like I tell him anything that’s going on. I carry him outside to comfy spots and B’s old food and water bowl. Ain’t like he’s getting one of his own anytime soon. Hence me fighting today. If I didn’t have Virgil, I wouldn’t be anymore. My anger, anxiety, and naked ass, aren’t worth anything.

If I have learned anything, it’s the fact that everyone is trying to eff me over. Am I being a selfish bastard? Hell! If B III were here, he would prowl around, growling at my unseen enemies. Did I mention how much I miss having Braxton on guard duty these 626 days? Why would I ever sentence Virgil to that? He’s been here over two months by the time you’re reading this. Hell! Shouldn’t Two V and I be celebrating? Not even on a payday. Instead, I’m worried about the next two days when I go back to the Day Job. Am I still taking two pills? No, only one stronger one. If it doesn’t work… It’s not like I can pay for these eyes.

All in a bit of faith in those I chose. My “father” has his boys. Inspector, the AC is on. When Braxton was here, I sat him on the porch and said we only have each other, and that was that. Now I am unable to talk to anyone, even you, Echo. I mean, here I am, Inspector but wasn’t it last week or the one before I screamed of loneliness? See! I can’t share with anyone else as I did with Triple B. And yes, I have confessed otherwise. But he was the closest confidant. And with my anger at others and my indifference towards him, it ended. And with or without the doctors, I would still feel so discombobulated. To B Boys, Virgil

626 Days Without B III, Day 067 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will