Tag: Crying

Saga 085 ~B’s Life, V, Pizza…~

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I’m not Ben Affleck, Stephen Colbert, or Mia Goth, AKA “Pearl.” But can you guess which one I feel like presently? I wish I could write monologues like that. Or at least speak them out loud. Should I be grateful for this existence? B’s Life, V, Pizza

Saturday, September 24, 2022

Saga 085 ~B’s Life, V, Pizza…~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. So why wouldn’t I want to live? With that kind of money, Life Is Good, Lunalesca…

I said last week I went to see the movie “Pearl.” That’s how I feel right now. But no ax. It’s the hopelessness Pearl felt when she gave that monologue to Mitsy. That’s writing. Fuck, that’s living… or maybe not. It’s existing… um, Lady Lu, there’s clarity. It’s knowing. And I wake up every day with this knowledge. My son is dead. For the past 42 days, I know a little fur baby I named Virgil has been sitting here wanting something. I don’t know. Love? Hell! I wish I could remember how Pearl said it. Much too early for that. And I’m still debating whether I’ll even go out today. Ha, with what money? While I’m not eloquent, to the Man In The Mirror…

Do you know how much I hate you? I swear, every night you close your eyes, that’s the best part of my day. I imagine that maybe, just maybe, you’ll never open them ever again. Second, to Braxton living, I pray for you dying. It wouldn’t even matter if everything came out as long as you didn’t have to hear about it. Being special, a star, some dom, a sadist. No, you’re just a depraved, disgusting, dirty old man. Wasting your time with delusions of grandeur. And every day, you say in your existence that things will get better. You’ll try again tomorrow. But you never do. Not on any E-Day. Not since Sunday, January 31, 2021. Or Tuesday, January 11, 2022. You should die.

Yeah, Lady Lunalesca, something like that will never make the movies. And again, I thought about going out, but there’s still pizza. Sigh, with what money? And the Day Job? Something else to look forward to? The fact that somebody might take that shoe shift? One more miracle that’s not happening. But the things I consider miracles, dear Lady Lu. Didn’t Pearl learn to be “happy” with what you have? I’m never happy with anything. The idea of “Another Day.” I said I would stop saying that because that indifference killed my best friend. Yes, bring on the waterworks for today. At least I’m not sweating from the heat. The A/C’s fixed, but I’m going to Hell for my betrayal, Treachery. B’s Life, V, Pizza…

601 Days Without B III, Day 042 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 084 ~See V, B Leaving~

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Dreams are messages. What’s my latest dream/nightmare telling me? It didn’t even star my son but Virgil, but I had intense emotions as if it were B III. It’s been 600 days without him. He’s saying that’s enough. Heart hardening, etc. See V, B Leaving

Friday, September 23, 2022

Saga 084 ~See V, B Leaving~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now. So, I wonder, are there any machines that control dreaming? Dreams were pretty “intense” last night.

Shouldn’t I call them nightmares, then? Hell! Even dreams, I would say, are “good….” I always say everything I want is impossible, illegal, or insane. Add inane or inconsequential to the mix. I make everything about me, don’t I, ha. The eye in Will (sigh). But my dream was about Braxton. Only it starred Virgil. I haven’t distinguished the two. I should be reading more books on reincarnation and the like. Yet, I’ve been all in on “The Dog Under The Bed” series. Don’t I sound like a little boy? A fucking idiot! Uh, language. It’s not like I can cuss out my “father,” though. Humiliations Galore, where I lay my head, Sophia. And let’s not forget the Day Job and another manager. So dreaming…

I was right where I am now, in bed. The first thing that should have made me take notice of the dream was that Virgil was running down the stairs. He was in a rush to go out like Braxton once was. So why visit me in dreams? Again I never saw Braxton, only Virgil. Opening the door, Virgil rushed out and down the patio steps into the backyard. But then he was sniffing around like he was trying to find a way out. First, V jumped high and escaped. It was as if he was flying. Then the fence fell, and he got out again. A third time he slipped under the fence like he was a bit of slime or mold. Okay, no porn, please, fuck. My mind…

Each time I was able to capture him and bring him back. I don’t know how but I did it. After a while of this happening, there was commentary from a DJ, more like a podcast. You know I can’t stand podcasts… I think. Then there were these black kids watching. One goes, “I don’t like him,” about me, it was a little braided girl. Then I woke up. Before I started looking for that movie “Knock at the Cabin.” It’s the book “The Cabin at the End of the World.” Oh yeah, can’t forget the “Mold” porn. I’ve wanted to buy bricks and cinderblocks for the backyard. Making the house a prison? That’s how this existence feels. My personal Hell. See V, B Leaving

600 Days Without B III, Day 041 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 083 ~To B Broken V~

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I never had the heart to get B fixed. And I didn’t have a say regarding V. What’s done is done. He has other things wrong, and I can only imagine what happened. As for me, breaking again, broke perhaps, and broken always. To B Broken V

Thursday, September 22, 2022

Saga 083 ~To B Broken V~

599 Days Without B III, Day 040 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Considering I’m talking to you on Sunday, September 18, 2022. And you can probably guess…

I keep saying it, Braxton. Anytime I feel that this existence is too much, all I need to do is whisper your name. The day you left makes everything look more bearable. Even my Emergence. I know I need to stop. But this damned month has been one gigantic clusterfuck. Pardon my French. I don’t swear around V… um or you. Mental Instability comes later, but this Sunday, I’m broken. Yeah, surprise, surprise. I’m broken every Sunday, but this morning, B. Isn’t it ironic that you knew you had to be quiet because The Walking Dead or a spinoff was coming on? Then I silenced you permanently. I know. I’m sorry, Braxton, it just hurts. You know me, B “I’m just a sucker for pain.”

First, I had a conversation with your grandfather about the air conditioner. His “friend” is coming to fix it Monday, which means… The Hell if I know, but Virgil’s temperature? Or what about my temperament? Again, we’re talking today because I’ll be in a rage come this Thursday. I hate myself, but sometimes it’s nice to have company. Oh, and money. With all the hours I’ve been getting at the Day Job. Did I mention more tits? Yeah, that was to the Man In The Mirror. Again it’s Sunday. And while I’m not ashamed to talk about getting off on nice tits. You liked your Aunt’s yabbos a lot B. I’m trying to get off a shift at the Day Job. I can’t take it.

So why don’t I publish a story and never have to walk into that Hell again? The burning in the house is nothing to my rage, madness, and the Humiliations Galore at the Day Job. I can keep cool with my betrayal of you in the Ninth Circle. I could save some cold hard cash. But what’s your grandfather planning these days? Hell! I forced a window open in some kind of way. You don’t mind me calling on your strength. But memories and guilt B. Especially when my body feels some sort of way. Like the heat, I usually try to ignore it, but it has its moments. Like the tears that appear for you around 4 in the afternoon. To B Broken V

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 082 ~B Lazy Today V~

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Even after “All These Things That I’ve Done” to this body and mind, let’s not get into the soul. I’m much too lazy now. That’s the point. Existence won’t quit me. That would be ok if I was the Queen. Are people still talking about her? B Lazy Today V

Wednesday, September 21, 2022

Saga 082 ~B Lazy Today V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I can afford to be lazy. But since I’m lying and we’re talking today…

That would be Sunday, September 11, 2022. It’s like I’m back in school, which isn’t good. Hell! This whole damn day isn’t great. With 9/11, the fact I wasted all of E-Day week and the week after was horrible. Ok, that’s a guess, but Humiliations Galore, I bet. Do you know one of the reasons why I prefer the truth? Lies take so much work to keep up. Fiction isn’t a lie, but it is make-believe, and an author writes what he sees. And as the song goes, “smiling faces tell lies, and I got proof.” It’s called my book, which exhausts me looking at it. But then what do I call talking to you and the girls? I keep saying I’m not a prophet.

No, I’m a fucking Lazy Ass. I’ve talked about my greatest sins. Treachery, Lust, Sloth. Inspector, not a day goes by where I don’t think about what I did to my son. With my luck, I’ll be somewhere cold and dark. Another reason we’re talking now instead of the 21st. You know I need to speak to B again. But I won’t say today. The only reason I’m even up talking to you is, um… Well, I’m up. Sex gets me up doing Extraordinary, horrible things. The types of things I wish were only in some dark fantasy. I want to go back to bed. Yeah, like I ever left except for nature’s call. There’s barely food in the house, and why is that Inspector?

Hell! Virgil might die because of the heat or boredom. I shouldn’t joke like that at all, and I apologize. I was telling Braxton’s Aunt; that I’m not sure what Virgil even likes. But he follows my lead by sleeping and not wanting to get out of bed. Yep, it irks me. He looks at going outside not as an adventure but as somewhere to be fearful of. Who am I to correct him on such a thing? I was about to say I’m his father, but there is no chance in Hell, which is what this place feels like with every passing day. Have I tried escaping it? Not ever! I’m contemplating someone bringing food. Thanks, Cherry and Succubus Lord. B Lazy Today V

598 Days Without B III, Day 039 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 078 ~To B Virgil Sometime~

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What did he do wrong? That’s what Virgil must be asking himself. I’m taking him back to the “Rebeccas.” But he’d be cooler if they have A/C. Plus, I get hot and bothered over lots. Girls, groups of stupid people, giggling, etc. “To B Virgil Sometime”

Saturday, September 17, 2022

Saga 078 ~To B Virgil Sometime~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. I sure as Hell don’t act like it. I’m trying my impression of a dead man.

Don’t I wish? If anything, I’m more disappointed, dirty, or disgusted with myself. And while I’m busy giving the “D” to the existence of a future… Becoming Daddy once again? I’d like to think I’d be doing much better if Braxton Barks were here. I have Virgil, or I don’t. I don’t know. I mean, physically, he’s here in the house. He probably wishes he was somewhere he could chill, literally. Fuck, Hemingway is going to ding my ass “LY.” Anyway, allow me to be selfish for a little bit longer. Yeah, leaving Virgil in his room as I “talk” to you. Yeah, if we were only talking right, Lady Lunalesca. Until I see some bit of porn or anything that leads to it, right?

Anything that leads to me taking my clothes off because of the heat. Virgil doesn’t have such luxury, does he? Locked into his fur as the temperature reaches eighty-eight degrees. He’s wondering what he did wrong. Why can’t I do anything to help him? Well, I could and I should. I was texting M Anime yesterday. Yes, I kept my word to Lady Sophia. So I was saying if I had that $630.00 I wasted on my “father’s” friend… Hell! I could afford to get Virgil and me both our own air conditioners. But again, I’m a selfish prick. Spending money on hot girls in movies. Yeah, I saw “Pearl” on Thursday. From Mia Goth to PearlsPeepShow.com. Then “thesaviorswife” on OnlyFans. Thinking about Milf Dos.

But what about the doggie no longer sitting in the window but in B’s Room? We are quite alike. Many days, I sat in a bedroom wondering what I did wrong. Isn’t that what I’m doing right now? And how can I fix it? As Worf put it when Q had no powers… DIE. Lunalesca, if Virgil wasn’t here, I would. If I didn’t have Braxton’s memory, I would. What’s another distraction? “He Lives In You.” In case you’re wondering, that’s me crying for today. Only that won’t do anything for the heat. Burning money on more books, ha. I also wanted to buy a buffalo chicken sandwich from Subway. Things getting me mad. No, not Virgil Vivi. Still to know; To B Virgil Sometime

594 Days Without B III, Day 035 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 077 ~Fan Of B, V~

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I’m a fan of Mia Goth now. That’s from X and Pearl alone. And now MaXXXine? I’m not quite the fan of Virgil yet… I would tell my son, “Love ya B, Love ya Braxton. Replace Love with Later and switch the name. But V barks when I come back. Fan Of B, V.

Friday, September 16, 2022

Saga 077 ~Fan Of B, V~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, or I’m doing my “best” to get there. At least, it’s what I told Virgil yesterday.

My “best” wasn’t enough to save Braxton. My first cry of today coming up. As you can see by the time, I’m pretty late. Yeah, unless it’s someplace, I don’t want to be and movies. Hell! I was gone most of the week that B III lay dying. And I even left him that Saturday because I was “hungry….” I didn’t think for a second that he would die while I wasn’t around. No, I’m not some asshole who would leave his son to die alone or amongst strangers Lady Sophia. But I am the douche that would leave my… um, Virgil in this heat. Honestly, I wanted to see that new movie “Pearl” starring Mia Goth. I’m becoming a fan, without a doubt (drools).

But to become a fan of anything or anyone these days. It’s horrible to think about, but can I go back to Monday, February 1, 2021? Let me be obsessed, addicted, and hopelessly devoted to my son’s memory. It beats how I’m living. Depressive, hopeless, clarity. Knowing the way down, you know. And I keep saying it. This place feels like Hell anyway, Lady Sophia. At least, Treachery is the coldest circle of Hell. Freezing, darkness. I wake up every morning pissed off that I’m not there. Three fans are blasting in my ears, and again I tell Virgil. I’m trying my “best.” Is it that I’m not quite a fan of his yet, going on what, 34 days? And I’m burning money, watching movies.

I’m burning at the Day Job in my anger. My Humiliations Galore reach incredible heights. There’s the next dog book I’m reading; I’m burning through pages. Not the GOP way. Yes, My Lady, I should text back M Anime. Um, she and Cherry get me all kinds of hot too. But that’s the thing; I’m a fan of the wrong things. So I keep blowing hot air and nothing else. Even my “father” is wondering why he isn’t getting a thank you from me anymore. Do you remember when I tried to make a deal with the devil? Losing blood. Hell! I’m losing everything, which happens when I’m not a fan of life. So adopting? I don’t deserve to be a Fan Of B, V.

593 Days Without B III, Day 034 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 076 ~The V List B~

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I got a kit with a new dog checklist when I first got V. He got a free bag of food; almost out. A leash and a harness I can’t for the life of me figure out. Figures, but I can’t figure out this existence, and I make a list on Sunday. But The V List B

Thursday, September 15, 2022

Saga 076 ~The V List B~

592 Days Without B III, Day 033 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Seeing as how we’re speaking on Friday, September 10, 2022. Well, my existence is pretty…

There isn’t a word, or I’m too lazy to find it. Hell! I want to be with you right now. You know I can’t say what I want “JIC.” But long story short, I hate weeks like this B III. Anytime I get a long week like this, I think of everything I had going on. But Braxton? You, my son, boy, and best friend, didn’t make the cut. Even now, I had to talk to Lady Lu and Inspector Echo after. And I’m not sure if I’m looking after you or Virgil as he lies here B. Every day, I have to count the similarities and the differences. It helps me not to worry about other things. Well, two, anyway. You like Yabbos too.

Even today, I was reminded of what I started when you left. With Virgil here, let’s say I haven’t been trying to make any more money that way. Cash money. How I wish that was my only punishment for how I failed you. I’ve been relying on that failure. Braxton, I know you wish I wouldn’t do that. Using your death to make myself feel better about all my other sins. Is that what I’m doing? One more list to set and forget whenever. At the moment, it’s two things that are haunting me. Ok, maybe three? This weather. Braxton, first it’s because I have to survive this week or I have? And second… yeah, there’s Virgil. What kind of father was I? Am I?

I haven’t learned my lesson yet, have I? I don’t want to accept this truth. I’m a parent again, and it isn’t all about me. If I knew it was you, Triple B, no ifs, ands, or buts? Talk about me keeping promises after E-Day. I didn’t get one gift, and yeah, not asking. Granddad… did I hear from him again this week? Is the bank account full, brimming? Never which is a shame. I owe you so much, and Virgil needs things, and I don’t know where to start. Your pictures or his bedding. New bowls for him or a Cuddle Clone, ha. Should I be grateful for this week to afford any of that stuff? I paid for V’s life. Death’s cost? And Happiness? The V List B

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 075 ~I’d B Lying V~

WillLeave a comment

What will today bring? I am not a prophet but Humiliations Galore. A ton of anxiety and rage. And I’ll be so exhausted if I see the end of the day that “the dreams in which I’m dying” will be the best I ever had. Because being happy? “I’d B Lying V.”

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

Saga 075 ~I’d B Lying V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but reread the title Inspector; I’d B Lying. And I can’t stand bullshit, bullies, and blowhards.

Inspector, I should also say something about Time Travel. Considering it’s Saturday, September 10, 2022. Sigh. You know what that means, Inspector. Today already sucks, ha! How do I know, right? Braxton wouldn’t share that sentiment, even while he lay dying. The second time I’ve cried today. But I doubt I’ll be going out today. How many Saturdays did it take me to find Virgil again? I’m supposed to talk about Wednesday and what I haven’t seen yet. Where will I be Inspector come the time you read this? Ever? Paranoia, Worries, Anxiety, etc. It’s all bullshit, isn’t it? The lies I tell. Again I can’t stand myself or anyone lying. But as always, I have my Republican tendencies, saving my ass and telling Virgil?

What? That I’m better than whoever had him in the first place? I think that’s what I’ve seen in his eyes for 32 days. Yeah, I’m the big bad bully. Hell! He got his name for the man who guided Dante through the Inferno. And the boy that could harness the fire and all the black magic, Vivi. But I’d be lying if I said I’m what’s best for Virgil Vivi, Inspector. I mean, when have I ever thought about being guided “through” Hell? It’s practically home. Got the temperature and everything unless you ask my “father” (sigh). Talk about being a bully. Oh, what am I complaining about? He offered to intercede. Inspector, my soul, ain’t worth air conditioning. This existence! What bullies do…

The blowhards. Cock sucking, dick-riding for Jesus, fucking you up, making you a bitch, and such. Pardon my language Inspector Echo. One more reason “I Need Some Sleep,” isn’t it? I’d be lying if I said it would help. There’s always the truth Inspector Echo. I’ve said before that the words I love you are used too often. The same with hate or kill. And it all comes out as nothing more but noise. Hot air! Inspector, I’m burning! Inspector, I am guilty, but not for all of it. The part that fears you will never read this, ever. What don’t I fear? What don’t I lie about? I love my firstborn, my Braxton. I don’t say love you, Virgil, yet… I’d B Lying V

591 Days Without B III, Day 032 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 071 ~Leaving Leaves B V~

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What is there to say when I’m selfish thinking of myself. I’m not much to talk about. High school, the Day Job might disagree. Now there are elections, a dead queen, the memorial of an attack. Neither V nor I want to go out. And B? Leaving Leaves B V

Saturday, September 10, 2022

Saga 071 ~Leaving Leaves B V~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means days should be getting better, not worse. But I sat up and started crying.

About B? I could say I go back and forth some days. I’ve lost track over these 587 days; how many I’ve missed without a tear for him? More often than not. Could use a pool. Lunalesca, existence is way too much sometimes. 587 days without Braxton. And now 28 days with Virgil. Four weeks in, and he is already following suit. He sleeps a lot and doesn’t want to go out and explore. What do I know about this little boy that is almost 2? That we both don’t want to touch anything for fear of destroying it and taking the fall for it? Hell! I was looking at what I did on the eighth. It gives me chills, which I could use now.

I could be an upstanding American considering the date. Tomorrow is 9/11, and where was I back then? I sat in my senior English class, bemoaning my horrible existence. The more things change, the more they stay the same, right? The only difference is we could blame somebody else. Now I look at the country, and we can only blame ourselves, Lady Lunalesca. As the song goes, “We need a good assassination. We need an earthquake or a war. How ’bout a crooked politician? Hey stupid, that ain’t news no more.” Hell! We have all that and a bag of chips. Speaking of which, I should go shopping. Didn’t I say Tuesday was a bad day? I could be freaking out over nothing… right, RIGHT?

Story of my continued existence. No wonder I’m late getting up this morning at 6:00, Lu. Wake up with gratitude, right? Besides the tears, there is FEAR as usual. Adding more? There will be plenty coming this week. And I need to talk to your sisters and B III. Did I mention I’m listening to the Succubus Lord series for the third time? Well, I did start on 10, which is my favorite. I wanted “Fairy Tale: Succubus, Book 7,” but fuck Audible, that’s why I’m not. Money doesn’t grow on trees. Leaves do. To be careful like Virgil Vivi. But no matter what, there’s a time for everything and a season. Politics and now religion. Lunalesca, being in my head… Leaving Leaves B V

587 Days Without B III, Day 028 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 070 ~ Virgil’s Story Begins B~

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Reading about dogs dying or hiding under beds… Virgil hasn’t discovered he could do that… yet. I should read the adoption kit that he came with. But then I read all these bills and the scary stuff online. My own story? “Virgil’s Story Begins B.”

Friday, September 9, 2022

Saga 070 ~ Virgil’s Story Begins B~

Hey Lady Sophia,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and that begins with the first dollar made. Being worried about money at “Times Like These.”

You know how I am; I have to replace one problem with a bigger one. Virgil isn’t a problem, Lady Sophia… Tell that to all the air I was taking in almost four weeks ago. Sophia, I’m still thinking about the air conditioner and how hot it is here. The humiliation with my old man. And how he could have forgotten about me, which isn’t too hard to do on any occasion. Even in this heat, though, I break down. Yet again, I find myself at day one, my Lady. What? I already had my clothes off, and Virgil was in his room, not hacking. Hell! Braxton would always be here as I looked up… Well, whatever. Let’s say the Uncharted series isn’t helping me.

As a matter of fact, it’s why I believe I’m in trouble. Do you remember how I was a week or so before Braxton passed? Not the rage at work or the indifference towards him, but the paranoia. As I said, “Times Like These,” when I’m more “Somebody’s Watching Me.” Who the hell am I in comparison to my sister or the Queen of England? Quite the jump, don’t you think? My sister’s birthday is right behind E-Day. And the Queen died yesterday. Who has time for me? I bet law enforcement. As the song goes, “First let me explain that I’m just a black man. And I come from the dark side, so I’m having a hard time stayin’ on track, man.” It’s madness.

I’m in the same place I was when B III came into the world. And then he left me. Only now will I be downstairs today, writing a book with Virgil on his pillow. Nope. I’m only up on time right now because, like most days with the Day Job. There’s only fear. Will I get to see Virgil through four weeks and then even more? There’s so much he needs, but where is the money? Oh yeah, at the Day Job. And one of my greatest fears in that place despite all the Humiliations Galore. Outside embarrassments. Another reason I’m not writing books today. So what about reading? Unfinished books irk me something awful. But “my” story and Virgil Vivi’s? Virgil’s Story Begins B

586 Days Without B III, Day 027 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will