Tag: Money

Saga 081 ~Love To B V~

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I love to have someone to love. I would love to be loved. Yet everyone who has ever told me such has made me, as the song goes, “Make Me Wanna Die.” Then there’s a woman I’ve never met and my firstborn who never spoke a word… “Love To B V.”

Tuesday, September 20, 2022

Saga 081 ~Love To B V~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now and leave it to a computer to ask do I feel loved. I’ll never doubt you.

But a week and some change, seeing as how I’m talking to you on Sunday, September 11, 2022. Do I love myself yet? Will I ever get over looking in the mirror, my love? Doubtful. Hell! I’m still looking at all these bills, the book series I have gotten into, and my browser history. Who could ever love someone like me? Again I do not doubt you, but how do I describe you? You’re the one that gives love meaning to me, and that’s enough love. I’m betting on the fact that I have yet to figure out Virgil. With Braxton, I’m not sure how long it took. Without him, it’s like being without air. And you are a breath that I need to take.

Baby Doll, I know all about not wanting to take the next one. Thirty-eight years has been one too many love. I feel the same way about these words. What am I saying, lover, inevitably? Scared to death? For so long, it’s been terrifying to stay and even more so to leave. It’s the only explanation for why I’m here. And when I sleep, there’s always such mad hope. Sinner’s dream, I know. Not to be religious but choosing the darkness rather than light? To close my eyes on the mere chance that I won’t have to open them again. But if I do? My son? I’ll be with my firstborn yet again. Do I feel loved? You’re here despite everything. I should feel lucky.

Why isn’t your love enough? I’ve always hated that saying. You know you have to love yourself first before you can love another. For 15 years… Hell! Always and forever, I will love Braxton, and I never gave a rat’s ass about myself. I got to get back to him, always. Love, is it that I don’t think I’m doing you justice like the dad in The Tomorrow War? He left his family. Talk about something I should have watched when we had Amazon Prime. Well, I am a billionaire. No, we are billionaires, but I don’t love Jeff Bezos. I don’t love TV… much. I wish I could say I didn’t love money. I love you “Still” and always. But Love To B V.

597 Days Without B III, Day 038 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 076 ~The V List B~

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I got a kit with a new dog checklist when I first got V. He got a free bag of food; almost out. A leash and a harness I can’t for the life of me figure out. Figures, but I can’t figure out this existence, and I make a list on Sunday. But The V List B

Thursday, September 15, 2022

Saga 076 ~The V List B~

592 Days Without B III, Day 033 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Seeing as how we’re speaking on Friday, September 10, 2022. Well, my existence is pretty…

There isn’t a word, or I’m too lazy to find it. Hell! I want to be with you right now. You know I can’t say what I want “JIC.” But long story short, I hate weeks like this B III. Anytime I get a long week like this, I think of everything I had going on. But Braxton? You, my son, boy, and best friend, didn’t make the cut. Even now, I had to talk to Lady Lu and Inspector Echo after. And I’m not sure if I’m looking after you or Virgil as he lies here B. Every day, I have to count the similarities and the differences. It helps me not to worry about other things. Well, two, anyway. You like Yabbos too.

Even today, I was reminded of what I started when you left. With Virgil here, let’s say I haven’t been trying to make any more money that way. Cash money. How I wish that was my only punishment for how I failed you. I’ve been relying on that failure. Braxton, I know you wish I wouldn’t do that. Using your death to make myself feel better about all my other sins. Is that what I’m doing? One more list to set and forget whenever. At the moment, it’s two things that are haunting me. Ok, maybe three? This weather. Braxton, first it’s because I have to survive this week or I have? And second… yeah, there’s Virgil. What kind of father was I? Am I?

I haven’t learned my lesson yet, have I? I don’t want to accept this truth. I’m a parent again, and it isn’t all about me. If I knew it was you, Triple B, no ifs, ands, or buts? Talk about me keeping promises after E-Day. I didn’t get one gift, and yeah, not asking. Granddad… did I hear from him again this week? Is the bank account full, brimming? Never which is a shame. I owe you so much, and Virgil needs things, and I don’t know where to start. Your pictures or his bedding. New bowls for him or a Cuddle Clone, ha. Should I be grateful for this week to afford any of that stuff? I paid for V’s life. Death’s cost? And Happiness? The V List B

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 075 ~I’d B Lying V~

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What will today bring? I am not a prophet but Humiliations Galore. A ton of anxiety and rage. And I’ll be so exhausted if I see the end of the day that “the dreams in which I’m dying” will be the best I ever had. Because being happy? “I’d B Lying V.”

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

Saga 075 ~I’d B Lying V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but reread the title Inspector; I’d B Lying. And I can’t stand bullshit, bullies, and blowhards.

Inspector, I should also say something about Time Travel. Considering it’s Saturday, September 10, 2022. Sigh. You know what that means, Inspector. Today already sucks, ha! How do I know, right? Braxton wouldn’t share that sentiment, even while he lay dying. The second time I’ve cried today. But I doubt I’ll be going out today. How many Saturdays did it take me to find Virgil again? I’m supposed to talk about Wednesday and what I haven’t seen yet. Where will I be Inspector come the time you read this? Ever? Paranoia, Worries, Anxiety, etc. It’s all bullshit, isn’t it? The lies I tell. Again I can’t stand myself or anyone lying. But as always, I have my Republican tendencies, saving my ass and telling Virgil?

What? That I’m better than whoever had him in the first place? I think that’s what I’ve seen in his eyes for 32 days. Yeah, I’m the big bad bully. Hell! He got his name for the man who guided Dante through the Inferno. And the boy that could harness the fire and all the black magic, Vivi. But I’d be lying if I said I’m what’s best for Virgil Vivi, Inspector. I mean, when have I ever thought about being guided “through” Hell? It’s practically home. Got the temperature and everything unless you ask my “father” (sigh). Talk about being a bully. Oh, what am I complaining about? He offered to intercede. Inspector, my soul, ain’t worth air conditioning. This existence! What bullies do…

The blowhards. Cock sucking, dick-riding for Jesus, fucking you up, making you a bitch, and such. Pardon my language Inspector Echo. One more reason “I Need Some Sleep,” isn’t it? I’d be lying if I said it would help. There’s always the truth Inspector Echo. I’ve said before that the words I love you are used too often. The same with hate or kill. And it all comes out as nothing more but noise. Hot air! Inspector, I’m burning! Inspector, I am guilty, but not for all of it. The part that fears you will never read this, ever. What don’t I fear? What don’t I lie about? I love my firstborn, my Braxton. I don’t say love you, Virgil, yet… I’d B Lying V

591 Days Without B III, Day 032 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 068 ~B My Age V~

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Today is the second worse day of existence, E-Day. The first is the day B died. The third involves “Tifa Lockhart’s dress.” The fourth is starting the Day Job. But let’s focus on today or not. To not have to emerge or exist today being 38. B My Age V

Wednesday, September 7, 2022

Saga 068 ~B My Age V~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, at the age of 38. If that were true, then Happy E-Day. Of course, I’m not.

I should preface this because I’m writing on Sunday, September 4, 2022. You know I don’t want to do a damn thing on E-Day. Except that it vanishes. Hell! I need a break now, Inspector. But if I have any chance to … FUCK survive! The one thing I can’t fail at Inspector Echo. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I have to do something today. Air conditioning? The money I don’t have to help Virgil be more comfortable. And as for myself? Existence? Inspector, if I wanted to die, I could block my Olds’ numbers. Inevitable what’s coming. It’s only going to get worse. And without Braxton but with Virgil here. I should have thought about that. I’m amazed I rise every day.

Who knows, I might get lucky. We’re still dealing with the real-world Inspector Echo. Now that being said. As I spoke to my Future Wife, what do I want for E-Day, the 38th ha? The song says, “The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” Inspector, to DIE. Simple and plain. I wake up on fire anyway, trying to comfort a puppy, don’t I? Speaking of a drooling dog, how about a drooling me? I’ve seen Braxton’s aunt Carolina naked, sure. Or at least her Yabbos. Either way, she won’t say anything about E-Day out of respect or forgetfulness. Then, of course, there’s Cherry and M Anime. Ha-Ha, that’s so funny. Cherry doesn’t know. M Anime… “Not That Kind” of girl.

Ok, that goes for both of them, to be honest. The other girls I know… or could pay for, um? Did I mention I’m right here with the door open to get air and help V with the heat? Yep. No money. But if I work today, I can get out of the house and find a fan or something. Echo, what will I do come the actual day? What about in the future as I do Endure and Survive? I looked up where I was last year. There were 37 things on that list, and not one was finished. Chronicle 068 ~B III The Emergence~. Lying, I did get a new battery. At my age, what have I done? To B My Age V

Chronicle 068 ~B III The Emergence~

584 Days Without B III, Day 025 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 061 ~B Nice, V’s Mad~

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Don’t write angry or do? I read before you should pick a subject you’re pissed about and use that as your catalyst. Black men, women, southern living, and a dog. Hell! Am I a Republican? But I’m not above the law of existence. “B Nice, V’s Mad.”

Wednesday, August 31, 2022

Saga 061 ~B Nice, V’s Mad~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, and seeing how it’s only Friday, August 26, 2022; I’m still mad as Hell. So, sorry.

By the time you see this well, Wednesday will be the easiest day next to Sunday. I do mean hours-wise. Sundays are never easy, and you know why. Every day, B III is dead. Or is he? I can’t be sure what book I’m reading right now. But I have the papers right here, Echo.

Braxton in a box… $779.56
Fixing The Air Conditioner… $630.00
Birthdays and Boobies attempts… $290.00
To Adopt Virgil Vivi… $150.00

Now, who should I be more pissed at? If I hadn’t become so indifferent towards B, the box wouldn’t have been necessary. His picture frame, two pendants, last meds, presents. Playing the Devil’s Advocate… I got $150 from Braxton’s grandma. And that was used 559 days later for Virgil Vivi…

But over the past three weeks, I have spent $1,070. And all for what? I keep saying this, don’t I, Inspector? I would rather burn. And yes, I am entirely aware (fuck you, Hemingway “LY”) that this is all my fault. Um, the boobs and the boy, sure, but I didn’t fuck up the AC. And again, I have no right to complain when I look at the everyday bills. I swear right now, Inspector. I thought the moment my “father” saw Virgil, if he called him a mutt or anything, I would fight. I’d probably lose (yes fuck you, Hemingway). But to leave, Echo? So back to swearing… if my “father” talks about me paying for other home improvements, he can have this place.

Well, fuck, it’s his anyway, to be precise. Where will I go? What will I do? I can’t take V with me, so I’ll send him back. As they say in The Handmaid’s Tale, by his hand. Mine or his? All I wanted to do this month to Existence/Emergence day is live. Maybe some steak. Hell! Learn more about Virgil and, like Braxton, keep him safe and comfortable. That’s all. Ok, you got me… I could look at some titties too. While I’m here. At the Day Job, “I’m here.” But from the 7th to the 26th… Am I still here on the 31st? And fuck even seeing E-Day Echo. Nice, where B is? Is V mad? I am, I’m here. B Nice, V’s Mad

577 Days Without B III, Day 018 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 356 ~ That’s The S*** B~

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I bought my kid food which he stopped eating. To this day, I still have the last of his medication. I call him down for, or is it up? No, that would be the greed that is leading me to Hell. Because at my door right now from Amazon… That’s The S*** B.

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Chronicle 356 ~ That’s The S*** B~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. And if I could buy anything? Oh great, figuring out how to waste more money today.

Yes, I’m time traveling today. Before we get into my most recent splurge, let me sing you a song. “Money can’t buy me love.” Only if I found B at PetSmart. He would be $175.00. Hell! I won’t spend that to go to the doctor’s office but for B III? I’ll never forget sitting on the loveseat Friday, January 29, 2021, and paying $455.96 to find out my son was dying. I didn’t think twice about it. And that was shit Inspector. My son can’t die. Inspector, tell me why I spent some time this morning looking over picture frames and albums. A new phrase for a pendant? I should be ashamed I didn’t buy anything for him. $80.00 I didn’t have, and not one dime for him I love.

Well, that’s shit, too, in a way. Now besides my health which I’m ignoring as I did his. I noticed Braxton’s territory is overgrown. And I broke the weed whacker a week or so ago, Echo. Wish I could break another “whacker,” but ok. So I went shopping to get a replacement part, some trimmer string, and one of the covers. Do I want to protect B’s yard or so hmm? I only wanted to feel productive today, which I haven’t been with this Wednesday, June 15, 2021, or the day you read this. Of course, I’m being a lazy ass and yet spending more money, and for what. To be honest, to justify buying even more creepy shit that I don’t need. I’m reminded of old times. Basic Bitch…

You know like why I started my blog up again. For so many years, I ignored it. I even said, was it today or yesterday that I’m not growing up even a tiny bit? One horny fanboy as always, Inspector. You know I’m one to buy things for my submissive closet. This lingerie I saw once drove me wild, considering who was wearing it. So I found it and bought it. It’s like buying some girl’s underwear which I think is distasteful. Bathwater and the like, um, icky. Yet I wasted $20.00 being, as the genesis of this blog stated… skeevy (sigh). What the shit? There’s always a reason to miss Triple B. I wouldn’t be wasting cash on XXX. Lust is one thing. Braxton’s love… That’s The S*** B

Gospel 356 ~B Had The Lives~

507 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 349 ~When Docs B III~

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Last time I saw a doc was for my ear. B got annual checkups and then some. An occasional tick. Checking his heart. I’ve needed to see a doctor since Jan 11, 2022. Um, I needed one on Feb 1, 2021. 500 days ago, my first day without B. When Docs B III.

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Chronicle 349 ~When Docs B III~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means there’s always a doctor in the house. I know I could use one today.

Hell! I could have used one 500 days ago. Didn’t I? No, I didn’t start counting until Monday, February 1, 2021. Why do I feel this is a milestone for some reason? 500 days ok. 500 days since my B went away? Passed away. Was put to sleep. Euthanized. Murdered. Call it whatever you want, Inspector. The moment I “know” I crossed the line, I remember. I’ve already done the worst thing I’ll ever do in this life. I don’t have any medical degree, and yet I made the decision. Even if I found myself a Dr. Frankenstein somewhere. Inspector, Tupac had it right… “Bury me in pieces ’cause they fear reincarnation.” I have “The Box” to my left, but I believe Braxton will return.

I need to get my head checked. And off the top of my head, I can give three big reasons. First and foremost is B III. I’ll keep saying it, I’m at 500 days of mourning. How many books have I read suggesting a support group, and now I’m thinking of taking a look. Ha. The second is being a boy in a man’s body. I got nothing but the warm and fuzzies for the LGBTQ community. But I still speak like a child as if looking at the adults. And I love big tits. That leads me to the third thing, which is sex and why I’m late talking to you. Only by a few minutes, but I woke up at 4:00 AM. Now!

Yeah, it’s 6:20 AM. So I wasted two hours. I wish I could say it was that other thing I need to see a doctor for. It was “easy” to go and get my ear checked out. Only the money. Inspector, that’s my greatest shame. When Triple B needed to go to the vet, I waited. It was the “wealth,” going to work, wanting everything, and it cost me everything. And when he finally saw the vet… Yes, that is my failure and my disgrace. I never blamed the vet. Who knows what damage I’ve done to my body not seeing a doctor. And as the song goes, “Where Is My Mind?” Braxton was my remedy. And finding another cure, Echo? When Docs B III

Gospel 349 ~B Leaves The Fix~

500 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 342 ~ Don’t You B Surrendering~

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Like father, like son; when I’m sick, or life is trouble, I stay in bed. B III would hide under it. He didn’t want to die. He wanted me to quit worrying, even until the end. No retreat, no surrender. Us against the world. Now Don’t You B Surrendering

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

Chronicle 342 ~ Don’t You B Surrendering~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, so am I a slave, a sorry sack of shit? Have I surrendered to the money?

Two things. First, I will get nailed by some editing services for the word “slave.” Negative connotations? Well, Duh, been called worse! The second is sex. How many days no masturbation? Hell! I wish I could say that was a choice but no. I got sick sometime Monday morning. I barely survived Tuesday. Shut up, Hemingway, about me using an adverb in “my” writing. I’ll be sounding like Cherry in a minute. Oh, I’m trying not to become sex-crazed. But again, I’ll cave at some point. Whether it be a pair of English Yabbos or Fuu from Samurai Champloo. Or how about the women of Fear/The Walking Dead? Missing Alicia. In fighting such desires, the battle is already lost. If only my Braxton were here.

He ain’t a shrink but didn’t I say he got an honorary Ph.D.? My point is that I wouldn’t be living my life “This Way.” When you’re a father, a daddy, your child’s needs come first. You know I have no respect for those guys who need a wife, daughter, mother, sister, etc. To see women as people. Oh, I need B III to see people as worth anything. Just look at me, Inspector. It’s been a while since my last pill, and even that is killing me. Yes, I remember. Life had gotten the best of me, and I tried… well, to answer the age-old question. I didn’t die, but I wanted to. And Monday, I was broken. How long can I stay away?

You know from going back to the doctor’s office? If Triple B were here, I would have done so already. Do you know why? Tuesday, as I said, I was, as the song goes, “I’m bleeding and broken though I’ve never spoken. I come undone in this mad season.” Strength? Inspector, I didn’t have it to refill B’s water bowl or get up for his meds. That won’t do. I have surrendered to my grief. Will I continue this way until the end? I don’t know or care to. B wouldn’t want that; he wouldn’t want me following him… Well, he knew his path. But I am lost. On Monday, I fought because “He Lives In You.” B III would bark, “Don’t You B Surrendering.”

Gospel 342 ~To B Level Man~

493 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 335 ~Gotta Pay To B~

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Last night, I got paid for two minutes of work that I usually do in an hour. Pathetic. I mean, it beats the Day Job, ha-ha. One day I might have a book in stores if I wasn’t wandering around with… something else in my hands. Life, Gotta Pay To B

Wednesday, June 1, 2022

Chronicle 335 ~Gotta Pay To B~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now. While I’m on that subject, I want it to be because of brothels, cosplay, dirty girls…

Thank you, Rob Dyrdek, who is pretty damn wholesome. A family man. My family… well, who I considered family died 486 days ago. It always comes back to Braxton. Inspector, sing it with me, “All You Need Is Love.” I didn’t get paid to sing, but we’ll get to that. Now you know how I feel about love, sorry Aloe Blacc. While I do agree life is a game. Love isn’t a prize Inspector; it’s either the instructions or a gift. My Braxton was/is a gift; I didn’t buy him. He chose me over my sister but loves her too, without a doubt. Me more! He gave love, hope, and peace like it was candy in his pocket. No wonder he didn’t like clothes, ha-ha.

I say, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus.” Sorry, Jesus? Yet another reason I’m not religious, and I miss Braxton. If you count how much money I’ve given to the church. Left Behind Series? And, of course, many of those pet loss titles talk about God. Knowledge, Power? Hell! I’ve never spent money on sex… Correction AHEM, I’ve never paid to have sex. Only it’s the first of the month, and that’s when I try to subscribe or unsubscribe to all the porn I’m into. Again, love, hope, and peace? Nope! I like Yabbos, specifically Tifa Lockhart’s and Cherry’s, but that’s another tale. A way to feel something. I don’t know. But then again, who needs groceries or healthcare, Inspector. Being Black in America.

But no, racism does enough to humiliate us as a country. This is about my own shame and disgrace. For example, the Day Job. The fact I might have sent B’s aunt a dick video. And there is always the fact that I could not save my son’s life. The price I pay for that. Now about me getting paid for something. Last night someone paid to see me naked. Don’t get excited. It was nothing like I paid MILF Dos or Cherry for her teases but a start Inspector. Who knows, they may pay for more? I’ve been paid for my writing. Well, years ago. But I’ll continue to go to the Day Job even though B isn’t here because… Gotta Pay To B.

Gospel 335 ~Braxton’s Behind The Times~

486 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 324 ~Time To B III~

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Well, it’s time, but the only thing I’m sure of is that I’ll be crying at some point. I wish it was always at 4, be it AM or PM. I don’t feel like getting up, and my son is gone. Like love and grieving, my stupidity has plenty of time. Time To B III.

Saturday, May 21, 2022

Chronicle 324 ~Time To B III~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now. But of course, you expect me to say that. It’s routine, it’s regular, it’s all ruined.

That was 4:00 PM yesterday, to be specific. Do you remember that episode of How I Met Your Mother? (1×18) “Nothing Good Happens After 2AM.” Amend that to 4:00 PM? Lunalesca, I splooged all over Friday, which I deserve, for working on my Stuff & Thangs. At least I should have filmed it. But of course, you know who I talked to at the time. Speaking of BAD memories, I remember when my father kicked the shit out of me for not doing my Math homework. Luna, such dreaded memories pop up? IBC Root Beer? The worse thing is that my son died around 4:00 PM. No, I left after the fact and never saw him again. And yes, the tears are to be expected.

Lunalesca, you wonder why I start crying at 4:00 AM. Well, this morning, it was 1:45 AM. The lamp was still blazing, the TV was on, and I was surrounded by the messes I had made. Wow, I didn’t expect this conversation to go this way. Mind you. 4:00 AM thoughts? More like 6:30 AM. And that’s because I went back to sleep. I’m in no damn hurry. Seize The Day? Hell! Yesterday, I realized STUPID mistakes on top of the humiliations I suffered. For example, why I’m not feeling better “The Placebo Effect?” And why my Cranberry juice tasted “funky.” I grabbed the Cranberry-Raspberry instead. Stuff makes me feel sick. Stupidity in and of itself tells me I don’t belong here. Such dangerous words…

Now that’s nothing new, Lu. Going back to high school days, junior college Group #4 and She Who Won’t Be Named. So grateful to forget the dick-teasers, skeezers, and weirdos. The last time I could say I “Got 5 On It.” Yet another reason to miss Triple B. No fives… And 4:00 AM was a goal instead of a burden. 4:00 PM, he would be at his post for me. But “comedy comes in threes,” THEY say. And my son being gone… the comedian’s dead. Two against the world, that was us. Lunalesca. Where will I be Saturday 4:00 PM? Horrifying to imagine it. The wrong time but the right man, ha, always in the wrong place. That was my B. Time To B III

Gospel 324 ~Go To Bed B~

475 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will