Tag: Humiliation

Log 324 ~Will’s Embarrassing Wily Whims~

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Maybe I won’t be able to find something for a customer. It could be wearing my bandanna as a mask because I was so late to the party, not fearing the apocalypse. Hell, it might be this conversation. Will’s Embarrassing Wily Whims.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Log 324 ~Will’s Embarrassing Wily Whims~

Forgive Me Echo,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I am finding it hard to stay positive. Hell, I have another book idea? If I were to write down everything that humiliates, embarrasses, and shames me, SIGH. Now that would be over Fifty-Thousand words. Today I don’t intend to go so far, but the Day Job is calling, so I’ll be in no mood to write. You know Inspector Echo, I would make a “decent” masochist, seeing as how I want the pain. Oh, and sex isn’t something I’m ashamed of, for the most part, at least, um yeah?

Anyway took a look at my schedule for the Day Job, I’m expecting “humiliations galore.” Of course, I know I don’t have to. I could walk in, and my temperature could spike over 100° F.

I’m not sick but angry, expecting embarrassment, hiding my real work. Speaking of which while my real life sucks. Yes, I said it, SUCKS, another one of my most hated words. Only because people took it from me, you know. Back to my point, what about The Eve of a Cherry or GULP? I let people read my stories and what happens, hmm. Dead in the Water as the song goes, which should cool me off. Yes, I like Ellie Goulding and Abba. I have a dedicated playlist that sings of my shame. Not Ellie Goulding but others. Yesterday though, I was reading over GULP… well, damn you Grammarly app.

Will’s Hated Words:

  1. Skeevy
  2. Stupid
  3. Merge
  4. Happy
  5. Family-Friendly
  6. Just Kidding
  7. Tease
  8. Freak
  9. Lazy
  10. Sucks

It’s my fault too, though, for wasting so much time. Here it is May, and I should have long ago published. No, today I got so caught up thinking about the Day Job I had to take a nap. Now my whole schedule is thrown off. Showering at the whims of My Dæmon. Using him as an excuse, yeah, I should be ashamed. What about the new game I’m playing? Yes, Inspector Echo, I’m still all about Call me a Legend. Life imitating art, living in the plague era, chasing the girlies, and I’m not the best father I can be. How about being a friend? I’ve barely talked to Indiana Gone. I don’t know what M Anime is up to. Well, I did hear from Whisper Girl, and what about Cherry, yeah my novel.

I’m sorry, Inspector Echo, for expecting the worst. For sometimes even rooting for the Coronavirus. Living Will’s Embarrassing Wily Whims.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 358 ~Make It Worth Fighting For~

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It’s my father’s birthday today, the man did threaten a teacher for me once before, went off on a judge too, but all Masters protect their slaves, my life is valuable to those that can use me, so I never fight for myself. “Make It Worth Fighting For”

Monday, June 24, 2019

Episode 358 ~Make It Worth Fighting For~

Ninetieth Rule Madam Justice

I AM a Millionaire right now; money is worth fighting for Madam Justice. Every day I sound more and more like a Republican, how’s that for thinking positive. What about when I fought to do that story with my adopted Big Sister? Hell, does that mean my words are worth the struggle? I am helping my son get well and sitting on this loveseat the past few hours. What about not quitting my Day Job today or breaths coming in and out of my body.

The fact that I have The Alamo Fund or did proves this life isn’t worth shit (LANGUAGE). I know I must remain positive, but with my age, that’s a lot to surmount. If anything, I want to break out into a rousing addition of a “Girl Worth Fighting For.” Thanks to Disney but I can’t do this because of a girl. To me, it’s like rehab, you know, your family, your friends, your fuck buddies (CAREFUL). The truth is that if you don’t help yourself first; if you treat your life as expendable. How can you be expected to help anybody else or make amends? Like with my Six Impossible Things, if I can’t be a man, how can I be a father for my son? My motivations say that your WHY can’t be because of you. Another adds you must feel your cup up first to thrive at all.

Trickle Down theory, but I give so much I treat others before myself. It’s like I don’t deserve anything, like wanting to die so I won’t be in the way. Hell, it would beat today, how humiliated I was at work. Could you imagine my life if I fought as hard for me as I fight for others? B III had me on the phone, ready to punch-out the Vet, beating back sleep. I defied my Olds because I wanted to write. Still, when it comes to my right to exist? Will Smith says if you’re not helping you’re wasting your time. Again others say give to yourself first. So if I were to choose today, fuck everybody else (COME ON REALLY) I want what’s mine. The good news is I have some time to think about it at least. Then we’ll see what happens won’t we dear Madam Justice.

I’m not June; I’m getting out of Gilead. My life, Make It Worth Fighting For

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 276 ~Will Up’s His Game~

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Too much helping myself but also too much self-help between, Spotify, Addiction beating apps, and books about the law of attraction, life is a game and keeping up the positivity I’m winning, I am, I AM. Will Up’s His Game more and more

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Episode 276 ~Will Up’s His Game~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, become a life coach, a motivational speaker. Hell, why don’t I go all out and do what that lady says and become a preacher? I’ll have a YouTube channel like Tyrese Gibson. There is plenty of help just waiting out there.

If anything I’m finding that positive vibes can be as exhausting as the negative. So that’s why I don’t do self-help too often. Only isn’t that what this is, and my first sin today. Well beyond repeating myself is looking to God. You’ve heard this story before; I hate how my “OLDS” look at religion. Now I “worked” in a Christian bookstore for a bit. I mean I was heavy into it. I signed paperwork; I named characters for God. I read all I could. Nowadays I can’t stand the concept. Still, that isn’t to say I don’t take to heart a lesson here or there. A few spoken from Tupac Shakur. Another and another from Father Gabriel, The Walking Dead, The Battle For Alexandria.

When I couldn’t find God’s love and don’t get me started on his people, I wondered why no one ever loved me. Once again I turned to books about how to find love, making someone fall in love with you. There’s loving yourself only to the point that others could. Of course, this led me back into my poetry phase. I sound like a broken recording here, but it worked; for other guys. Lawmen are getting laid right now because of my work. It was like that time I did LSD and wrote nonstop about the “Winx Club.” In retrospect, it was somebody with a love of money. Even now I’m listening to a few motivations about that same thing. It keeps me way high.

Now that’s something else that all my motivations seem to have in common. You must become addicted, obsessed with self-improvement, with growth. Women talk a lot about not being good enough. Men can feel the same. Just now I read “We’re not porn addicts, we’re porn addicts in recovery.” Yes, thank you Miss Jessica Nigri and her Hermione Granger Cosplay. So yeah when it comes to my next sin besides not lasting a day of No Fap. You should have seen me on the first; I’m back on Brainbuddy. Now on a subscription basis, Patreon as well. No porn but a naked redhead am I right? Still reading The Secret and then I have to start back with my erotica reading group. You have to throw what you want out into the universe. At the day job, it’s always a million dollars Inspector. At the store, it’s a pretty girl.

It’s so hard staying up Inspector Echo I swear. Some things I have accomplished. I did three thousand words last night, five thousand the day before. I’m ahead in Camp NaNoWriMo so far. I even stood up to my General Manager. As for forgiveness, I’m still seeking help without, instead of looking within myself. I know I’m stronger than this, or I should be. So yes Will Up’s His Game.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 269 ~Was Will Calm Before~

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Calm or depression, I feel like I’m sinking and for some reason, I can’t remember how I kept my head above this muck, blood, sweat, and tears, or so THEY say; I hate the water, and that’s what keeps me kicking, did I sail once. “Was Will Calm Before”

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Episode 269 ~Was Will Calm Before~

Forgive Me Echo,

How To Make One Million Dollars, I could start by cutting off Spotify, Patreon, Amazon Prime. However, strangely enough, I didn’t get into those things at the behest of anybody. Okay, so lovely boobs but let me continue. It was only last week I said I get into these things because of women. Now don’t get me started on obsession but when I get into something, writing still isn’t direct among them. I go full throttle, Nonstop.

When I was back in school, I fell into the Pokémon craze, who was I before? Now, who does my family prefer? The boy they made feel so worthless that he wasted hundreds on webcams? The one that’s so full of hate that he doesn’t speak to them. The one that spent more on Pokémon games, Gameboy, toys, more. Humiliations galore, having to walk back into that mall and return all that stuff. Now that was nothing compared to the Harmonic War, The Fall, The End Of The Rainbow, and dare I forget SWEETNESS. Girls are fucking Medusa (LANGUAGE). How about when I got into Alycia Debnam-Carey. In one of them, she was standing next to Alexa Nisenson. Then Almighty Pinterest sent some ominous warning. Days later I hear from my mom the police are in the area. I worry about everything there’s no doubt.

Fear, Worry, Guilt, but today is about obsession. Now I don’t even want to think about the Day Job. All the humiliations I have possibly endured inside my mind. Because today is Monday and I have to attempt to get out of a shift. Dammit (LANGUAGE) I don’t want to obsess about the Day Job. Only The Walking Dead 9×15 The Calm Before; you know how I’m addicted to The Lore of the Dead. Sunday I was researching any known gods of Flesh and The Carnival of Flesh from The Purge. Anyway and I’m not ashamed to admit this and why should I be. I ranted, raved, and raged, and shed a few tears for all those characters that died last night. Hell, I should become a reactor yeah, though it’s far too late or I’m pretty lazy, I know?

I take that show as gospel. It takes so much to disturb me, well media-wise. Undead heads on pikes have made my list. I even woke up “Indiana Gone” as I grieved. She knows of my obsession with the dead. Only like any drug, this was a bad trip. Inspector Echo, I apologize that I become obsessed with anything that I know doesn’t make me a loser. I ask forgiveness from five women; so far. It scares me Pinterest can think I’m depraved. I’m sorry for laziness and having my nightmares, Was Will Calm Before?

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 143 ~Before My Willing Embarrassment~

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As the song goes, I’m gonna wait ’til the midnight hour, although it’s way past that; at least I don’t have work, and this is probably the only time I wish I did despite not wanting to get fired, humiliation though? “Before My Willing Embarrassment”

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Episode 143 ~Before My Willing Embarrassment~

Forgive Me Echo,
How To Make One Million Dollars, become a comedian, but the humor in me died several years ago unless I’m wearing my mask, and that’s tonight’s first sin, knowing what I’m going to have to do Friday. I would say I will spend the whole day hiding, sin number two but that is going to be impossible which leads me to sin number three, wanting a miracle.

Can’t say I’ve wanted much else tonight, which is sin number four, not being able to say what I want, at least not all of it, no that can never happen, but that would lead to more than being a little embarrassed. Every damn day Inspector Echo when I know I’m going out into this world, it’s never with hope, the need to be helpful, or even being horny, it’s with the ancient knowledge to gird my loins for everything that is about to come. I don’t need a few nightmares to warn me of this, even “B III” saw, I don’t know if he thought his daddy was an idiot, a crazy person, or damn near dangerous, maybe he was embarrassed for me possibly.

Being a black man in America, of course I know the stories about what my “people” did to make this country great for themselves and everyone else as a whole and they got beaten, tortured, and killed for years. I suffer from Social Anxiety, Bipolar Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Only so many others every single day fight their battles, they maintain, their lives are full of everything good. How about the fact that I read and write erotica, I’m an atheist, a dominant, a sadist, I hate Trump, I think we need gun control but I like assault weapons, I could go on with all of my “stupid” ideas honestly.

My point is that one of my biggest fears is that I’ll be humiliated for one reason or another by complete surprise but at the end of the day I’m walking right into it, and that’s my fifth sin. To feel that this is not a life worth living so how the FUCK should I know any thankfulness. May you forgive me for my mask, for wanting to run and hide instead of kicking butt, for waiting on the impossible, for not having what I want so ignoring what I need and for hating life at the start of another day, even In The Midnight Hour, so Happy Thanksgiving and cheers Before My Willing Embarrassment.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

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Last week around this same time I was celebrating my escape from the norm, and today I feel as though I’m institutionalized wanting to get back into my story and at the same time committing the crime of doing everything else. The Will To Escape.

Friday, July 27, 2018

Episode 026 ~The Will To Escape~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to stay here as the song goes, maybe it’s the fact that people know they’re supposed to be quiet, unlike the movies I can get a good eight hours in, instead of a brief respite, or maybe it’s the fact that the library is becoming my gym. The sad part is today, I’ve been here since nearly ten, and I’ve used everything I can to avoid doing any real writing (Emails); for the second day in a row I’ve woken up early and fallen back asleep and why?

No excuses Lady Sophia, I’m tired, maybe I’m mad as Hell, and it’s not as if I don’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be here otherwise, and it could be plenty of other things to be sure, but the thing is I want to escape. Yesterday I was at the store, and when I was getting out of my car, this group of black teenagers was walking by, and they burst out laughing at me, and for a split second, I was that loser I once was back in school. The thing is I raised my head up, I didn’t run, put up my hoody, plug in my earphones or anything I kept walking and was pretty damn anxious to fight, but I wanted to, I should have… NO?

How many times have I said, I don’t grow, and maybe it’s not because I can’t afford a wardrobe but presumedly because I’ve become used to hiding, to make myself small, keeping my mouth shut to avoid offending anybody but I do that anyway with my writing? It’s people’s fault, as I said, I have my hood, my earphones, books, everything to avoid people but they don’t like the reminder of their insignificance to the rest of us, and this whole world is like a prison. So I resort to solitary confinement, my “white room” in writing which is my escape from the world and now I realize maybe escape isn’t the goal that I’m looking for dear Lady Sophia.

Like yesterday not with the teens but when one of the clerks overcharged me, and I walked back in there and got my money back, I want to bring the damn ruckus, but at this point, I’m empty still; I meant to get a shrimp dinner but settled on a burger. I didn’t want to deal with any more people yesterday, and now today I’m only mad at myself and yes call me a hypocrite because if I’m going to bring the noise to everyone else, I’m Will and truth is The Will To Escape.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

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People face many things throughout their day, but the worst one for me is people, and today I’ll have to do just that or not since I’ll have to check bathrooms and fitting rooms and it’s my business to make money. “To Defeat The Huns.”

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Episode 020 ~To Defeat The Huns~

Hey Lady Lu,

Give Me One Reason to face the Huns, and no mine name’s not Mulan, though I could certainly use her courage, training, and luck; how I ask Luck Be A Lady tonight or at least for six hours. I can’t say I’ve been one for gambling, horse racing maybe but I trust those animals more than a majority of HUMANITY, and I can give you one big reason for that Lady Lu.

… but the truth is that I dislike most men as much as I dislike women. If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.”
― Andrew Davidson, The Gargoyle (2008)

HUMILIATION Lady Lu is arguably my greatest fear, the foundation of my anxiety and you can’t call it irrational if it comes to pass as it did the last time I was assigned to “CLEAN” and I know it sounds STUPID. No it all comes down to looking so stupid, and you know how such a concept sets me off, believing, being, and saying; may God show mercy on the soul that calls me such or makes me feel it. Too bad I don’t believe in God right because I’m my own worst enemy *sigh* people have an imaginary friend they worry about but I can’t stand thinking or knowing how everyone looks at me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt1Pwfnh5pc

HUNGER is one big motivation to face the humiliation, my dog has to eat, and if I split my paycheck by three (bills, blog, belly) last week, I made a whole five bucks and then the fact that I’m in the library nearly every day writing “trying to make something of myself. HULKING out because I lack discipline, or I’m so afraid as Yoda says, and when’s the last time I let my anger get the best of me, strange that I was ready to go off on somebody and now they’re nowhere around me. HURTING myself on the daily in one form because of everything but at least I’ve stopped popping myself with a rubber band as I was doing it so much I would more than likely decapitate my hand from my wrist.

HUMOR has not been a strong suit of mine, though being laughed at brings a HURRAH from everybody else; yes I know this is about me and I can’t help the fact that even now I want to call into work and HUSH for the rest of the day. Anything Lady Lu beats the idea of humiliation, and I’m in for a world of that and what will I do, so let’s get down to business To Defeat The Huns.

I Will Have No Fear

Episode 019 ~No End Of Kindling~

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I Made It, added more fuel to the fire, one more book down and even an additional chapter and the feeling I have now… it doesn’t compare to the humiliation I’ll endure tomorrow. Honestly, I would rather have people read my novel. “No End Of Kindling”

Friday, July 20, 2018

Episode 019 ~No End Of Kindling~

Hey Lady Sophia,
Give Me One Reason to take a break, two words “The End,” that I was looking forward to today and I’ll get there or even worse “To Be Continued” either way it goes, it’s going to take more than 925 words, but as the song says there ain’t no rest for the wicked. I haven’t even gotten close to selecting a new book to read because mine is turning out to be so… that’s the thing I want to say no words, but there are too many.

Not now, nor have I ever been one for the burning of books, well except for mine, again it goes into my whole, hurting myself before I hurt others mentality, you too Lady Sophia, the reason I’m talking to you so early. It’s not procrastination; it’s the fact that the last words of my book should happen when I’m up and about, not lying in bed, people deserve me at my best… did you hear me right? Something that shall never see the light of day which is why I spend eight to ten hours locked up in the library, talk about something I love and then the only thing I want to do with my novel is set it alight to keep myself warm, beats the day job always.

Tomorrow I expect I’ll be writing about my humiliations rather than writing something that is humiliating, one more reason I have to bury myself in fiction because the truth hurts plenty and nobody wants to know about that. One more novel that took me a year to write and here we are Lady Sophia, about three weeks into this year and like any one of my fictional books is this looking any better, but for now, there are plenty of words left with no sign of The End. A good story brings its writer back to life or more to the point, makes a writer immortal and with the love of readers warms for many a black night, I believe.

When it comes to my work though; I know I shouldn’t be so negative, if it gives me money to burn, and that will be over all too soon but my novel or novels, how did I not know I was writing a series, and the ideas keep on coming to be honest. So when people are lighting those torches, looking for things to throw onto my pyre, at the end of the day, not that of the story, they’ll be No End of Kindling.

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 165 ~That’s What I Like~

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Usually, I’m one for what I dislike, nope let’s say what I hate and despise; it comes more natural because the labels I get for what I do like… they can get pretty bad I believe. That’s What I Like, well this is about one sin in particular

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Lesson 165 ~That’s What I Like~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, everyone knows I like Star Wars, no I’m not afraid of being a geek, a nerd, or something, whatever the popular kids call it these days. I’m talking about the things I should never admit to, and yet here we are and why, facing my demons even if I intend on staying in Hell awhile?

It’s all sorts of blasphemy to say that I like the Star Wars prequels, but I do, and I find no fault in that, the same goes for The Walking Dead, and if it looks like a secret that’s because nobody knows me. Should it also be a sign that I don’t fight the things, people choose to believe? Every day at work is worse than the last, and it’s giving me nightmares. How about the fact that I don’t like most black women, I’ve had this conversation before and my mom would be appalled, hell I even have a Pinterest “Looking For My Swirl.”

Speaking of being appalled, why I need forgiveness… my mom is an avid Doug Jones supporter and yes I voted for him myself and if Roy Moore is guilty of everything I think he deserves to go to jail. With that said, you know what got me shunned, humiliated, and downright in trouble, having a “nymphet” fetish. I’m not Roy Moore, not even close, not even a little bit, and I have done some messed up things when it comes to “women.” Yes, I tend to call all females girls, but the “women” I messed over were all “women” eighteen at least but let’s not talk about “Senseless” not today.

The thing is I know I’m not the best person, and I could always be worse, and this is why I don’t bother to defend myself, scary that I might sound better when I let those people speak. Perhaps this is a conversation more suited for Dirty Diana so what else do I like that I should be ashamed for, that I’m genuinely a student of the Marquis de Sade.

I like guns, gay people are cool, especially watching two girls get it on, I enjoy porn, okay yeah maybe I should just ask for forgiveness now hmm? Inspector Echo I’m sorry for being so sexual, for having a DDlg fetish more than I would like to, for looking past my people from time to time, for hating people and but mostly myself but you know That’s What I Like.

“That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older; they stay the same age.” Wooderson ― from Dazed and Confused (1993)

I Will Have No Fear

Lesson 158~Time Humiliates Again Will~

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If you asked me my favorite sin, I would say Lust, my needed sin would be Wrath, and the one I most indulge in would be Sloth, then again check my search history right but speaking of history, I write still. Time Humiliates Again Will.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Lesson 158~Time Humiliates Again Will~

Forgive Me Echo,
No Fear, it’s why I enjoy anger so much or namely one of the seven deadly sins “wrath” but which would you prefer that I drown in a lake of tears or that I burn in a lake of fire… least I’m warm.

Today let’s focus on three of the seven the first being WRATH because it’s taking over, every day it grows stronger, and I know honestly enough that anger doesn’t help anything but my fear. No, I’m not going to quote Master Yoda or some tired cliché but why do people only see the worst parts of me and then with their laughter, snickers, damn can we just call it human nature, they invite the monster out to play? How not to sound like a psychopath *ahem* see I can’t even say what I was going to because I need this job and for some reason, I feel someone is reading.

What about LUST, I recall talking about a woman I met recently on the Whisper App who could do nothing but yap all day at me but what did I think about her at the time? Well, there was time enough to lie and doesn’t that just show how powerful lust it, I hate hunters, I lied about my schedule and other things and why, because I wanted her, what kind of man am I? Not that she’ll know, she wanted to “hang out, ” and I already told her I was shallow, sins galore. Anyway we traded pictures last night, now isn’t it funny she suddenly shut up, and she can’t go out, not because she’s married of course but because someone needs surgery?

Not that I’m busy crying over her though I got off an hour early from work and after freezing thanks to the dog I climbed right into a warm bed and decided I live here now. Yeah, I couldn’t even get it up to go to my workstation, and I just slept most of the day away, waking up all shocked and surprised though I did manage to eat. SLOTH, a waste of time and that’s what all the sins have in common, they were a waste of time and how am I going about correcting this because sorry just doesn’t cover it Inspector Echo.

I am sorry though, I apologize, to you, to the world, to the future missus who knows I am better than this and to myself but Time Humiliates Again Will.

I Will Have No Fear