Meditation 206 ~B Leaving Sucks Virgil~

Thursday, January 23, 2025

Meditation 206 ~B Leaving Sucks Virgil~

1453 Days Without B III, Day 894 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m still trying to pretend today didn’t happen. That would be Monday, January 20, 2025.

Martin Luther King Jr Day… While I wish I could have done something to honor Dr. King, I don’t have a problem with it. Your Daddy, an African-American Author, Braxton.

I find myself giving too much credit to my own strength. Let’s be Real, my little B. You spoke to me today. Whether it was a ghost, a spirit, or my own madness, I consider any communication from my firstborn son a blessing. It’s not an acceptance of your passing but a reminder of the pain I carry. Always, forever

Inevitably, that brings us to today. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris leaving and Trump’s Inauguration. I had to go back to bed because I got sick. I’ll stick close to the bathroom for a while.

I know Braxton. Eww! Better out than in. But speaking politically as Padmé Amidala said:

“So this is how liberty dies with thunderous applause” — Padmé Amidala, Revenge of the Sith

It’s not just the pain, sickness, and insanity that won’t leave. It’s our country’s state and your absence, Braxton. Don’t get me wrong, B, ‘Nothing compares. Nothing compares to you,’ as Sinéad O’Connor sang. But it’s one more song for your playlist. How many reminders of your absence are there…

Anything beats the voice of the US today… 3 days futuristically. Too Good at Goodbyes. At the same time, I refuse to utter those words. Ask anybody at the Day Job. That’s one more reason we’re talking today. With the Day Job, it’s always later because Virgil and I have to eat. This reminds me that I need to take that shrimp from the freezer.

However, that’s the rub, Braxton. I love leaving, but where do I go? Nowhere, Braxton.

“Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere… ’cause there’s no one like you left.” — Carol Malone from Body Snatchers

Every day, I watch you, my greatest friend, and Virgil, a good dog who just wants to be loved, get left behind by me. But it’s not just them I leave. It’s the feeling of being alone because I leave for the worst things, Braxton.

Seriously, what happened to my positivity? I told myself it wouldn’t last. And with today? But I did get another book idea, revelation, epiphany… Again, that’s too much, Little B.

So my idea… When I end up in Hell, I will walk away from you, from one door to the next, leaving. I’ll climb out a bed to the Day Job, bathroom, and vet’s office over and over like Annie Collins-Nielsen, believing I’m alive. Breathing. How to escape. Remembering Virgil’s name. B Leaving Sucks Virgil.

“It feels like I’m dying. I’m so scared all the time.” ― Mara, Spontaneous (2020)

Always and Forever,
Your Dad