Tuesday, December 9, 2025

Journey 161 ~Braxton The Gifted, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? More than Christmastime, ha! “Ooh, sugar pie, honey bunch. You know that I love you.”

‘Tis the season? What, you can love, get laid, and even lament on Christmas. Closer?

Honestly, “I Can’t Help Myself.” What, thinking about gifts for you, our two-legged children, and of course, there’s always Virgil and Braxton. I owe Braxton at least fifteen gifts—five birthdays, Christmases, and homecoming or Gotcha Day. I don’t remember when he hopped into the car, but I’ll never forget Sunday, January 31, 2021. Hell, maybe Gotcha Day could be May 1st. I’m sure I met B sometime in April. And how did I get on this when I’m supposed to be talking about the present? Well, my Christmas presents. Anyway, I THINK I want a breastplate like Maximus from “Gladiator.” But with a picture of both Braxton and Virgil.

“I fill my lungs with fear and I Exhale!”
It’s My Turn to Fly, The Urge ‧ 2000 (Titan A.E.)

And as I walked with Virgil this afternoon, I thought that I want a “monitor belt” or a watch from The Long Walk to measure my walking speed. More like my running speed since I’m “The Running Man,” and all. And that leads me to a question. Safe and sound.

When’s the last time I got something silly? Something salty, saucy, and spicy? In other words, delicious. Oh, I go to the food truck once a week. And stories, either in salacious words or on the big screen. And if it doesn’t suck, what about sexy? Well, I have you.

Somehow, someway, I got you. But I’m a selfish, STUPID, SOB… sorry, Ma. I want… Everything! “The World, Chico, And Everything In It.” That’s me.

And yet I call my firstborn, my B, gifted. He treated every day as a gift. He had all the gifts. And to him, I was the greatest gift of all. Do I give myself too much credit, my love?

Two points make a line. Three points make a pattern. Braxton loved/loves me. And I convinced you to do the same. Well, that was more of a choice… Um, Sunday, August 24, 2025. And what about V and our two-legged children? I’m Daddy, always, forever.

But you know what would be a present, what would make me a good person, what would complete a pattern? If I loved myself. “What I Go To School For?” Busted, because I failed. But Braxton? Braxton The Gifted, Virgil1773 Days Without B III, Day 1214 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, December 2, 2025

Journey 154 ~Love B Later, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I love you. I’ll see you later. But do I ever say goodbye? I’m Irish…

As in an Irish Goodbye. I only say goodbye to one person. You’re looking at him. A “crazy” thought, right? What about a sad one… Or two. I remember saying goodbye to Braxton on his literal deathbed. And I don’t remember saying it at all on Sunday, August 24, 2025. Only Alanah Rae in My Wife’s Hot Friend Vol. 12 Big Boob Edition. My love.

You know me. I’m the effing Sherlock Holmes of Adult Films. And I’m feeling… Gross.

Always in the mood for you, my beloved, but icky. Stress Release? Whatever for love?

Are we getting married again? Are you pregnant? V is “Safe and Sound,” thanks, Taylor.

My love, this is my third business week and possibly my last. Last week was…

“I fill my lungs with fear and I Exhale!”
It’s My Turn to Fly, The Urge ‧ 2000 (Titan A.E.)

Excruciating, emasculating, and freaking effed. Do you remember our wedding day, my love? Ok, you have lots of reasons to be mad at me, but please hear me out. I’ll never be a Christian man, but I do subscribe to that Bible verse, “Love is patient, love is kind,” etc.

Love is not STUPID, honestly, that my love is one of my greatest fears. Being STUPID. Because STUPIDITY kills, it’s what triggers my anxiety. And I love you and our family. I tell Virgil later because one day I may love him, not like Braxton, but with no less love.

“It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity.”
The Merovingian, The Matrix Revolutions

“My will is stronger than my heart. Do you think I put so high a price on my feelings? They’ll pass. My will holds me to my course through life,”
Queen Guinevere, First Knight (1995)

Ahh! I understand how Guinevere felt about King Arthur in comparison to Lancelot in First Knight. I don’t love my work, but I say, “later.”

Or I don’t say anything at all. If you can’t say something nice and all that… But who do I say goodbye to? Me. And the thought that came over me today… Besides myself, eww!

Anyway, I thought about the times you had to do it. Again, like Lancelot asking Guinevere to forget who she was. When you covered your face with a veil, you were one woman, and when it was removed, you were my woman, my wife. You can be a monster… and I’m your “Savage,” thank you, Whethan. You’re strong, sexy, smart, and oh so sinful, lover.

However, with that, it takes only the thought of tomorrow, and I say goodbye to myself. Why? I’m Afraid! Always, Forever. Love B Later, Virgil.

1766 Days Without B III, Day 1207 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, November 25, 2025

Journey 147 ~B’s An Option, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? More than my Braxton? What about my bed? Whether I have a billion or bucks.

I’ve made my decision. Today was a disaster. And dammit, I’m up. Not like that…

Honestly, I want to go back to sleep… Permanently with everything that has happened today.

Where do I even begin? How did I become HIS father? My firstborn son, Braxton Barks Bradford. How did I become your husband? And how about his and hers? Children?

Again, I return to where our marriage started to show “options.” Sunday, August 24, 2025. Hell, it was before that, Sunday, January 31, 2021. In August, we lost ourselves. In January, I lost HIM… Braxton.

Braxton, my firstborn, “My Sweet Lord,” and my everything until… You. And I made the same promise. Always and forever. Forever and Always. Then there are days like this. “Mama said there’ll be days like…”

“I fill my lungs with fear and I Exhale!”
It’s My Turn to Fly, The Urge ‧ 2000 (Titan A.E.)

This? My mama wasn’t like “The Man” from Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road.” “I’m Thinking of Ending Things” is a movie title and not an idea that drones on and on. Winston Smith, weighing his options and knowing the inevitable conclusion. Like him, all I have to do is “transfer to paper the interminable restless monologue that had been running inside his(my) head, literally for years.” That was never an option for me, either, my “Sweet Love.” Loving my boy, well, boys with Virgil. Our children. You. And since I first wrote my name, the written word. The only option for me has been loving myself.

Somehow, today I find myself hating myself even more than usual. Is that possible? Always.

Why is that, you ask?

Ask yourself why you are still “Dear Future Wife,” and here I am, forty-one, somehow. No, not somehow, the truth of the matter is your husband is C for Coward, D for Deviant, and F for Failure—a and B? Archie, Virgil’s “first” name. Braxton, my Ma named him, ha!

And what about E? Enough? That’s what I’m contemplating right this second because of “Tomorrow.” As Salif Keita sings, I don’t understand it, but it’s going to be sad, love. Braxton always knows about “The Bad Place.” Virgil cries for me. And tomorrow no one will “Stand By Me.” Not for The Long Walk I must endure. I’ll be “The Running Man” for sure. Panic Attacks aren’t optional, Depression, Anxiety, FEAR… B’s An Option, Virgil.

1759 Days Without B III, Day 1200 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, November 18, 2025

Journey 140 ~Braxton Tried, Virgil Convicted~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? That’s it, or that’s it? I’m not a Beatle, though I’ve seen plenty flying around.

Beetles, bucks, and nice boobs, rather Yabbos. It’s hard to reject them, resist them, and remember them all. Braxton knows I tried… Or Lord knows I tried, —my Sweet Lord.

Love, I like the song, but don’t care much for the entity. I tried that, my father, high school, and while Braxton lay dying. And that’s how I feel today. Like I’m dying right here.

That’s not cool to tell you, is it? We could go around each other all day asking if love makes you feel dead or gets you through the day, “awake and alive.” Ah, Mr. Gabriel.

As in Peter Gabriel… As opposed to other “Silly Love Songs.” You’ve had enough, love?

I’m trying to give more. “I wish it from myself.”

“I fill my lungs with fear and I Exhale!”
It’s My Turn to Fly, The Urge ‧ 2000 (Titan A.E.)

Songbird? The original Fleetwood Mac or Santana to Brittany from Glee? You know that makes me feel a particular kind of way, love. If anything gets me out of “Loser Like Me” ideas, it’s a lady like you and one of your lady friends. Too many harem books, my love?

You’ll be the only mother of my children. And yes, we should try for more. But if I ever get Jacob, Grayson, Eddie, or Ethan’s coin… All the haremlit. And I’m a good Dad. Sigh.

That, of course, goes for my furry boys as well, Braxton and Virgil. How can I be better for them? Virgil deserves better? And Braxton definitely knows I can be better. Real good. The best. Like I’m in “The Warriors.”

And this is where the rubber meets the road, my love. I have to learn to love myself. And that’s not me being negative again. It’s a fact. But I have an honest-to-Braxton question about that, my love. Where do I begin? Not only “Once In A Lifetime,” I ask myself, “Well, how did I get here?” “When Will My Life Begin?” You know, I’m trying… No, ever better beloved.

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror.” Life is a series of tries, my love. But sometimes you can only try once and then… Well, we’re here. I have one wife. Always and forever.

That’s you. I’m telling the man in the mirror, that “I will TRY to FIX YOU.” Braxton Tried, Virgil Convicted.

“We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us.”
― Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die (1998)

1752 Days Without B III, Day 1193 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, November 11, 2025

Journey 133 ~Wars B Through V~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Like I know about World War I and II. Okay, at least two. American Education…

I know it’s Veterans’ Day, but as for my family… My Olds? Boys? Our Family… “A Small Talent For War?” And that’s what existence feels like, The Twilight Zone. In my heart, I long for peace. “Deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so glad to go.” Go where you ask me? Anywhere there’s peace, my love. I stopped looking for “Love AND Happiness so long ago. What? Am I saying you don’t make me happy? The children? B III and 2-V?

Beloved, what I’m saying is that things like happiness, love, peace, freedom, etc, are worth fighting AND dying for. And I understand why men choose a blaze of glory. I save what I love, but I FEAR. Forget. I fight.

“I fill my lungs with fear and I Exhale!”
It’s My Turn to Fly, The Urge ‧ 2000 (Titan A.E.)

“We’re going to win this war not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love!”
The Last Jedi

“Love Is A Long Road,” “Love Is A Battlefield,” and I wish I could believe like The Beatles that “All You Need Is Love,” and then I see what it takes to fight for it. “Angel With A Shotgun.” I’m lucky that I married you, right? “I will be your sword and shield, your camouflage. And you will be mine.” With our hands full, the kids can carry our happiness.

And who are we fighting? Directly, I would say MAGA, the Cracker Hats. FDT, always.”

But as Haymitch says, remember who the real enemy is—the loss of my mutt. Please, Braxton was a purebred Deer Head Chihuahua. Little Virgil lives with my misery. You?

Yes, you as well. I fight for the moment, love.

Dawn of the Dead’s Frank said, “You want… every… single second.” But there’s no shame in admitting this to you, my love. No negativity. Only the prayer like I’m Tupac.

“Heavenly Father, I’m a soldier, I’m gettin’ hotter
Cause the world’s getting colder, baby let me hold ya.”
‧ Tupac

But then the truth is “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier.” A brief stint in the Navy. Water…

If I knew that I could cry this much, I would have stayed. I could drown either way, my love. Hell! I could cause a wave or make us an island… MAGA, zombies, M Anime…

“Somewhere Only We Know,” to escape. Somewhere there is no FEAR, where I don’t feel like I’m fighting every day, and we can eff like bunnies. It’d give Braxton peace…

Seriously! Virgil fights doors. And me? Wars B Through V.

1745 Days Without B III, Day 1186 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, November 4, 2025

Journey 126 ~B Over Soon, Virgil~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? Yet as The Yayhoos sing, “Baby, I love you, just leave me the eff alone.”

I want it all to be over. The humiliations, horror, and happiness. A.K.A marriage, love?

No and never. “Goodness knows; you’re my honeysuckle rose.” I know music, my “Sweet Love.” I remember my words, always and forever. My body, back, and my brain, though… I swear, today was a long walk, “The Long Walk,” and I wanted to sit down.

I keep saying “Love Is A Long Road.” Love is also a verb. And I can only imagine how hard it’s been on you. In you? Hell, we have our kids to prove that while I continue to mourn my son, Braxton. And nearly pushed Virgil off the edge of the bed—too little fur.

And now I must get over this… 150-Word Depression Cap.

“I fill my lungs with fear and I Exhale!”
It’s My Turn to Fly, The Urge ‧ 2000 (Titan A.E.)

Over does not necessarily mean “The End”. “Death Is Not the End.” My Braxton lives.

“He Lives In You,” Like something out of The Lion King. But more to the tune of “Hungry Like The Wolf.” More and more hits, and we’ll get to what happened on the 3rd, love.

Because “Nothing is over! Nothing!” As John Rambo cried. My Braxton was a much braver man—a much braver dog. And I want to inspire Braxton’s brother Virgil in much the same way. But while I pushed him to the edge of the bed, he didn’t go over, my love.

He survived. I survived. “I’m still breathing! I’m Alive” as Sia belts out. Better her than the Foo Fighters and whatever that song was, Monday.

I was able to survive the humiliation of it. One more thing I need to add to the list of why I own my own business. “The Moondust.” One more piece of my new empire. Another jewel to the crown. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. I still can’t get over it ha!

Funny, I need to get over it. Like getting over what happened on Sunday, August 24, 2025, my love? Truth? You don’t get over things like that. Not E-Day, not Sunday, January 31, 2025. Saturday, August 13, 2022, Monday, November 3, 2025. You dig deeper.

Honestly, to get over the bombs, you have to wait until they stop falling like “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head.” B Over Soon, Virgil

1738 Days Without B III, Day 1179 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, October 28, 2025

Journey 119 ~Virgil Will B Patient~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? I didn’t have to wish for that. It took me fifteen years to learn. And…

His name was Braxton. And he would be… well, he’ll always and forever be Braxton.

I sit here with you late on a Tuesday evening—you and Virgil. And I’ve had two thoughts, and you’re not going to like either of them. You’re patient, waiting for me to be better.

Anyway, the first was that I wish B III were here to talk to, as I’m getting my “Creed” on:

“I feel angry, I feel helpless
Want to change the world, yeah
I feel violent, I feel alone
Don’t try and change my mind, no.”

The second is when I woke, I had been dreaming about 1992’s Aladdin… Well, Jasmine. The three wishes, anyway. And I thought if I had them, I’d want my son back, my B III. I wish that you would Love Me Now. Who am I, John Legend? And I wish I were dea*… asleep. Permanently.

“I fill my lungs with fear and I Exhale!”
It’s My Turn to Fly, The Urge ‧ 2000 (Titan A.E.)

Patience, positive vibes, and points. My point is that the Genie couldn’t bring anyone back from the dead. He couldn’t make someone fall in love. And he couldn’t bring harm.

And yet I am a patient man. I am a forgiving one. So, I’ve been thinking about what Rick Grimes said before the all-out war with Negan and the Saviors. Wise and brave, my love:

“I don’t want to wait for it anymore. You don’t either… Yeah, I know. So we don’t have to wait for it. If we start tomorrow right now… with everything we’ve beaten, everything we’ve endured, everything we’ve risen above, everything we’ve become… If we start tomorrow right now… no matter what comes next… we’ve won. We’ve already won.”
Rick Grimes

And isn’t that something like what Pete McVries said to Ray Garraty? To come all this way and “choose love.” For the record, I’m still upset with the movie. That’s not being negative, it’s only a fact, my love. I wait for things, and in the end, I want to love them, but what happens next? “Last Of My Kind.”

And “You Don’t Know Me,” love. But we have a lifetime to learn, don’t we? And I “pray” our two-legged children are fast learners like my four-legged ones. Braxton. Virgil?

Honestly, how my little Virgil tries. And you? I remember everything, including Sunday, August 24, 2025. Who was it that said patience is a virtue? One day I’ll wake up forgiving myself for Sunday, January 31, 2021, E-Day, and that Sunday with you. Being patient.

These days, it gets harder, but resistance is acceptable; I can wait. I was watching something about the Borg and the Federation while I was waiting at the food truck.

However, “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever.” “Who Wants To Live Forever?” Love Is A Long Road. Virgil Will B Patient

1731 Days Without B III, Day 1172 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, October 21, 2025

Journey 112 ~B And V Bench~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? More than “my” music? How “Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher And Higher.” Like Braxton’s?

No, I’m not Jackie Wilson. And should you take this as the “Diary of a Tired Black Man.” No, I’m not that famous. But I am tired, black, and a man. Yours, always and forever.

Scratch the tired part. But today I am. Why? I just lifted my second-born son Virgil to his fifth birthday. Hell! I raised B III straight to Heaven. Don’t put your blame on me, “Human.”

I imagine that’s what Braxton would say. I didn’t “end” him. “You and me,” Darling…

“Love lift us up where we belong,” please. As I’ve been down since… You remember?

Sunday, August 24, 2025. And I’ve gone from shuffling my feet to telling myself to lift up my feet, I deserve better than this. Love?

“I fill my lungs with fear and I Exhale!”
It’s My Turn to Fly, The Urge ‧ 2000 (Titan A.E.)

I’m proud of my body. I haven’t eaten anything but a shared McDonald’s birthday lunch with 2-V, some candies, and peanuts. That’s not negativity, but the facts. “I’m Still Here.”

“I’m Still Standing!” “I’m still strong!” Whether it’s Elton John, Antwone Fisher, or any number of pop culture references. It’s love. I want to think of you like that, Darling.

Honestly, call it “A Sunday Kind of Love.” The kind I felt when Braxton would sit on my head, and I loved him/ love him enough to take him outside. When I would rise to see you love, in more ways than one. Our two-legged kids would still be sleeping. B and V would be pawing at the door. But we would lie here, love.

Right here, before I’d type out to the millions and millions, my dreams of us. The two of us, listening to ’50s/’60s apocalyptic pop. Atom Bomb Baby, Thirteen Women (And Only One Man In Town), Sputnik (Satellite Girl), Watch World War Three (on Pay TV).

Honestly, though, I didn’t care about the “Civil War” 2024 or whatever MAGA has going on, whether it’s a movie or reality. “I got Heaven right here on Earth.” Your husband. A man of leisure. And again I am telling myself to pick ’em up and put ’em down. And that is a husband’s, a father’s, and a man’s responsibility. I keep saying it. A man provides hmm—the truth.

“The Long Walk” and all. Love’s my exercise. Be my partner. B And V Bench.

1724 Days Without B III, Day 1165 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, October 14, 2025

Journey 105 ~Virgil, That’ll B Reality~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? It’s the fact that I’m still here. Cause I’m real, like Sunday, August 24, 2025.

Hell, I was so tired on that day, and today, I don’t know whether I’m dreaming half the time. Fiction, Artificial Intelligence, or will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? My 150-word Depression cap? That Braxton is still in a box? Or what has or hasn’t happened between us. Effing time travel, alternate history, and destiny. Seriously our effing destiny…

And no, I don’t mean a woman with that name… For once. It was FATE that I met you, and I met my firstborn son. I’m damn near ready to say that I manifested both you and him—Braxton in a plate of French Toast or Waffles. And you were a story, my love. Lots.

Lots of love, and if I can’t have you, um…

“I fill my lungs with fear and I Exhale!”
It’s My Turn to Fly, The Urge ‧ 2000 (Titan A.E.)

Well, before I had you taking my last name, I had to learn to write my first name. I swear. I’m sure I told Lady Sophia this, but what ignited my love of writing was the first time I remember penning my name, and I didn’t even know it. Truth and fiction, living in peace.

My love, while I’m thinking ‘happy’ thoughts about my childhood. I love the nights of waking up to the ending themes of Inuyasha, “Fukai Mori” in particular. To think things couldn’t get any better, but dogs have fur and women have Yabbos. But our children.

Those kids of ours. I go back to Sunday, August 24, 2024, and what I must have said to you. I love all our children.

But you have to understand that it was my Braxton that taught me how to love, four legs and all. He couldn’t be more my son if he shared my “DNA.” THEY “Not Like Us.” I’m a dog dad, you’re a cat mom, and now we share all these two-leggeds protecting them from MAGA and the Cracker Hats like Kendrick Lamar sings about. Honestly beloved.

You know I love music, movies, and manuscripts in audio form, ha. I’m shielding myself from reality, or I was because you’re here, Braxton, his little brother Virgil, the kids.

Because there is no fate but what we make. And if I knew I loved you before I met you. I’ll find you again. In Reality. Virgil, That’ll B Reality

1717 Days Without B III, Day 1158 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Tuesday, October 7, 2025

Journey 098 ~V’s In Love, Braxton~

Dear Future Wife,
You know that I love you, right? But how does that look to you? Or should I go “How Does It Feel?”

I don’t have D’Angelo’s physique. But I’m not ashamed of my body either. Though I wish I knew how I got this cut on my head. “I can’t remember what was said or what you threw at me.” But then again, I am “My Own Worst Enemy.” Husband’s infinite playlist.

Anything to not hear you walk out the door. Hell, Virgil might want to go with you. I wouldn’t blame the little guy. Braxton loved me like pancakes, and still, he’d go running out the door. Why? Because these days, I can remember what fear tastes like. But what does love look like? Your husband did a bad, bad thing yesterday. An illusion of love? Seeing is believing. But the man I am inside, inside…

“I fill my lungs with fear and I Exhale!”
It’s My Turn to Fly, The Urge ‧ 2000 (Titan A.E.)

“Will I choose water or wine?” I don’t need DRINKS or DRUGS to love you, for my DESIRE for you, much like my music is endless. Braxton and Virgil taught me how to love. So call me a dog with “All These Things That I’ve Done.” God… Dogs are love.

Darling, give me the Backyard Dungeon, Bikini Days, or the Babysitter Harem series over the Bible any day. But this morning, as I contemplated “Can You Love Me Again,” I thought about the book/film “Divergent.” Brave, Selfless, Smart, Kind, Honest…

Everything a boy becomes a man. And do you know what it takes to do that, my “Sweet Love?” “All You Need Is Love.” It’s like B III’s dog hair or Sunday, August 24, 2025.

Valiant. “I drive myself crazy, wanting you the way that I do.” Loving you is a way of loving myself. Because, as I often quote from “Breaking Bad.” A man provides, which means every day I choose you by choosing myself. The “Man in the Mirror.” Do you know how hard that is? Then you kiss me, or you lie here beside me, love. Happiness.

Speaking of hard things. Love can be a vice. An “Obsession,” you’re my obsession, much like my music, ha-ha. And maybe that’s the thing. I know plenty of ways THEY talk about love. But if I had to give it a sound, Braxton’s nails on the floor, our baby’s cry, Virgil cuddling up next to me. V’s In Love, Braxton.

1710 Days Without B III, Day 1151 of Virgil’s Arrival

B.L.M. Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will