Tag: Love

Chronicle 059 ~Ten Year Worker B~

WillLeave a comment

I regret the ten years of my Day Job, the nearly thirty-seven of my life. The 210 days of being without my son. Only I will always love the 7,884,000 minutes I had with him, Seasons of Love. Yet how can I complain about being sigh A Ten Year Worker B

Sunday, August 29, 2021

Chronicle 059 ~Ten Year Worker B~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, and here you are, still complaining. You put up with the Day Job. Braxton’s life was you.

No wonder, what was it? Only last night, I felt a renewed energy for “Stuff and Thangs.” You’ve been continuing that this morning since you didn’t wake up on time. Or is it the fact that this week is going to suck? Welcome To The Suck. Stop using soldiers’ lexicon? You can’t help yourself with everything going on in the world nowadays, the U.S.A. dude. Yet THEY wonder why you put your earphones in every day. E-Day, earbuds, you think? On the subject of Emergence Day, how about more books from Audible, hmm? My dude? Anything to avoid listening to me, and I don’t blame you. Life is the hardest job there is. The Day Job is the second. Yet being a Daddy… the greatest. It’s not Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, The Theta Timeline (Novel)
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 002 No Fap)
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

Only you’re not anymore, and yesterday I talked about that dream as to why not. Do you think that you’ll write it down before you forget it all? My Bad, I was talking to Dear Future Wife. That’s on top of betraying Braxton. Do you think that you’ll fare better? Okay, you have the Six Impossible Things to tell you what you’re not going to do. I’m not the man for advice. I’m sorry, but while you’re busy effing up any plans for this week, you know what you must prepare for, right? Good Night, Good Luck. Are You Ready?
Doubtful, I know, but yes more Dystopian and Time Travel, Dying Light, and The One. And these Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, Tampa by Alissa Nutting
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 002 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Get Ready For My Thirty-Seventh Emergence Day
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

The things you choose to remember and forget. Not this week but the next, may your Olds forget about you. How about Carolina Bound and M Anime. Carolina Bound knows you, and M Anime doesn’t know the correct day, which is pretty good. Emergence Dinner. Never had a last one with B III because there was always more time. And there was his sweet sixteen coming up. Next week will be the first without B III. What will you tell your replacement? B III can never be replaced, but should you become a better man. Jesus, a man that doesn’t regret ten years of the Day Job, thirty-seven of life. You’re still crying over fifteen years, 7,884,000 Seasons of Love. Not Ten Year Worker B.

210 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 058 ~Braxton’s Vigil, My Virgil~

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Am I going to have to write this whole dream out (yeah)? Well, if another fur baby came walking into my life, I have names. A boy “Virgil,” a girl “Beatrice,” which isn’t fair at all. Neither is waking up at 1:30 in the AM. Braxton’s Vigil, My Virgil

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Chronicle 058 ~Braxton’s Vigil, My Virgil~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but yesterday, “a day which will live in infamy.” I found I wasted ten damn years.

No disrespect to soldiers or even Sci-Fi as I was telling Carolina Bound and M Anime. My Day Job is a mix between going to Nam and being dropped into The Tomorrow War. Add to that being trapped and drowning. How do I survive? I had a son, my Braxton. Friday, August 27, 2021, hell Luna. I had B longer than I have been working in well, Hell. Then I wonder why I’m not running as fast home or to my writing. Hell is what I deserve. I believe that’s why I had that nightmare, but we’ll get to that. The Day Job, my God. Every time I go in the name of the game is this, don’t get fired. When Hell freezes over, right?

I thought I was dead last night. Some time ago, talking to Carolina Bound, I asked did she ever have a dream that she knew was a dream. With my own visions, it happened again. I found I was surrounded by people, so I unleashed black tendrils that were electrified. Them my sister was behind me, looking over my shoulder while I was looking at porn. You know the type. What I pay for, get creators kicked off platforms, foreign influences, etc. Next um, a phone rang, it wasn’t mine, ok Lu. At 1:30 AM, I’m “strapped,” as kids say. I’m stalking around the house, listening for the sound. Usually, this is Braxton’s job. If it’s “serious” again, I get my “gat.” Protecting us always.

So I fall back asleep, trying to dream of the guns in Far Cry 5. The monster gets in the house anyway (dreaming), and it’s my father carrying a dog made out of jelly beans. He looks like Braxton only, color coated, and I see B III on the floor. So the candy dog’s new. As I pull off jelly beans, there’s a furry dog underneath, orange, but the fur begins turning Braxton’s shade. Days go by, the dog becomes more and more like B but begins to shrink too. Like destroying/taking the Mind Stone from Vision, Wanda, or Thanos? Braxton is gone. If the dream and/or nightmare says anything, another dog, no, I can’t. But it’s Saturday. Petsmart then groceries? Braxton’s Vigil, My Virgil.

209 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 056 ~Hunger Of B’ing Well~

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Shut your pie hole, or to that effect. The things I would say to my boy when he barked about the neighbors, I’m not sharing, when I had to go to the Day Job. All I do is talk about B and eat French fries. Am I empty or full? Hunger Of B’ing Well

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Chronicle 056 ~Hunger Of B’ing Well~

207 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Apparently, you didn’t Thursday, January 28, 2021, and that’s when I noticed. You weren’t eating.

Like father, like son, things weren’t right. Here I am after 207 days, and I continue to ask what “it” was. The food, the water, what is it that Mcdonald’s sells that I can’t get enough of. Monday and Tuesday, I felt so bad, but I still ate it. A time to starve, hmm Braxton. With you B III, when your stomach was empty, you were still so full of love, light, and life. Now, what did I have them give you in return? I did ask, was there anything that could make your condition worse. If you weren’t suffering, then there would be drugs. Braxton, I would have let you stuff your face. You would have had all your favorites. Your sickness was physical.

Like father, like son, my Old Man didn’t understand me either. Who’s The Better Killer? This is the one time I wish I hadn’t won. Then again, who says I did? I believe taking a life is horrible, and other than some bug… B, your life was the first. That’s ironic, the one I love. To take someone’s body is another, and since I’ve talked to Lady Sophia already. Well, we don’t have to talk about a majority of my novels and the horrors done to women. Anyway, my point is, the destruction of the soul is the worse crime imaginable. Did I do that? Braxton, I am no Steve Urkle. Way before your time. Plus, I don’t want to be funny or to laugh.

Like father, like son, we were both super serious unless your aunt was around. She was the first reason I ever saw you stop eating. Again, not trying to laugh. Carolina Bound made you a cake and shared so much you had met your match. It took you days, Braxton. I’ve gone for about a week without eating. I don’t mean now. But when I got into it with my Old Man, with the Day Job. The day you left, I didn’t have a chance, so many people checking to make sure I was eating. B, you know I can’t stand liars or any stupidity. This leads me to this week, full of rage, regret, this raving lunatic’s stupidity. Full, empty, Hunger Of B’ing Well.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 054 ~Will Love B There~

WillLeave a comment

Sometimes B is in my dreams. When I go into his room, some of his toys have moved. I’d swear I had a rat or some other rodent, but all B’s treats are on the table. Calling him for meds, I swear I hear his paws patting all around. “Will Love B There?”

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

Chronicle 054 ~Will Love B There~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I still don’t fancy myself an art connoisseur. Well, like Onlyfans, it depends. What’s art?

There are no more little tan hairs at the foot of the bed or on my pillow from B jumping. B’s shrine, temple, memorial, I don’t know, is never going anywhere like V for Vendetta. I don’t care what we have, “Soon As I Get Home” from work, I’m in my B III hoodie, ok. Hell, where are we now 205 Days, and I’ve only ever missed one, with a treat for my B III. There are labels for meds, beeps for when I need to get up to check his spot or water bowl. You hear me when I walk into the house. Honey, I’m home. Nah, “just me, Baby B.” Is it ok? No, I’m not asking permission. Another thing like Aloe Blacc.

I’ve told you before about his song “Wake Me Up” and how he sings about life’s a game. I still don’t agree that love is the prize but a gift. Sure, not everyone wants it. There are imitations of such. But once you give it, when you receive it, well, can it be taken away? Losing Braxton has made me love more. Being a husband to you, a father to our children, I won’t ever be one to tell you what to think or believe. I know what I feel and what’s real. I know my love for my family will never diminish. It’s only, I’m loving for two now. Braxton’s not here. I know that (SIGH) I know that. I need him to be.

And you need me to be, as do our children, so to quote another song, “Where Is The Love?” Be it the Rainbow Bridge, Heaven, or applying for Cerberus’s job. I hope B will know. Baby Girl, I fear my love is like the sun. For you, it’s having to travel far from its origin. That was Braxton to me. Pathetic, I know, considering my history with the word love. B III is up there, somewhere, and the world is a bit colder for all of us. It could be that I loved him so much. I fear what would happen if I focused all my attention on you. God is love, THEY say, but God is cruel. But for us? Will Love B There

205 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 053 ~Lift, Step, Repeat, Falling’s Harder~

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Sum up my job, pick it up, put it down. Boxes, tools, my feet, but B wouldn’t complain if I brought food. Eat first, then let him run around the backyard. I’m cleaning up as if he’ll step off the Rainbow Bridge. “Lift, Step, Repeat, Falling’s Harder”

Monday, August 23, 2021

Chronicle 053 ~Lift, Step, Repeat, Falling’s Harder~

Two-Hundred And Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means I always have a soft place to land. I swear Braxton quested for comfy spots.

It didn’t take me 204 days to realize he was the cuddliest thing ever. Being as exhausted as I am, I’m always grateful for my head to hit the pillow. Braxton’s fur is long gone. Madam, at this moment (Sunday, August 22, 2021, Time-Travel), I’m in B III’s favorite hoody. His pillow is beneath my feet. Yet I’m cold AF. AC, stupidity, my B’s love? Don’t you think I should look up how to work the thermostat for once? That’s something Dads do, isn’t it? Talk about a lift. For all my failures, I once could say I’m B’s Daddy. Braxton can no longer lift my spirits, and whenever I raise my foot, I’m heading off in the wrong direction. It’s a decision, I know.

When my foot comes down, I wish I was in the ground. Didn’t I say today (again Sunday) that I must be careful with my words. Like wishing I could fly as Braxton does? How many steps must he have taken in his life? I’m 36, 37, but Braxton had four paws for fifteen+ years. The thing is, he appreciated every one of those steps while I hate mine. You ask me what the last step I wanted to take was. Not as profound as what I was thinking because of the truth. Taking Braxton to die, of course. The Hardest steps of my life. After those would be the ones, well, who knows how long it took me to walk after my “Emergence Day.”

Only I keep going, don’t I? I can’t tell you the last step I took that I was happy about. Carolina Bound would be disappointed because, in July, we all went to lunch. My friends. Braxton would be proud that Saturday I went and bought new pruning shears… What’s My Age Again? I’m trying to take care of the backyard. Braxton, come play again, please? I’ve even written it into my budget now to go and pick up lunch. McDonald’s will be pleased with $10. Taco Bell has fries. I need plenty after the Day Job shitshow; I know it. What else do I know? I don’t want to fall on my face; for scams and not in love again. Lift, Step, Repeat, Falling’s Harder

204 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 052 ~Rules Can B A…~

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Make sure to bring a sharable (fries), don’t let the grass grow tall enough to poke my little B, let me go outside if you’re trying to cook. Those are only a few of Braxton’s rules, and now the house and life are lawless but TRADITION. Rules Can B A

Sunday, August 22, 2021

Chronicle 052 ~Rules Can B A…~

To Will:
I AM a Billionaire right now, which means there are no rules, but as for you… Make the bed might be one more.

Speaking of one, what’s one more humiliation, an accident, or betrayal. I’d say you’re going to Hell but been there and done that. What, I don’t do inspirational Pep Talks. Instead, I know you’re thinking about the last time you were at the Day Job. Do we go to you at the kiosk? How about your Stupidity at price changes? Oh, it gets worse too. If it wasn’t your first time working the kiosk in a decade, it’s your first car accident with someone. You’d never say you’re a good driver, but I felt that fear returning the other day. Then, of course, I went to PetSmart as well. I could say I hadn’t petted another dog since Braxton for 201 Days. Then 202… add that to Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, The Theta Patient (short)
    Completed
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
    Partial
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
    Failed
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 007 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
    Failed (Day 001 No Fap)
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
    Failed
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am
    Failed

That’s the thing, mourning doesn’t have any rules until it does. Rules are Rules, as I read in The Theta Patient. Now you’re all into The Theta Timeline. Would you look at that, a connection? At the moment, you don’t know who you are but with B’s death and books. Hell, there’s a whole series of rules written down to life, so why don’t you read them? I don’t know what I was envisioning when buying that “Budget Guns” magazine. Now you’re dealing with some thoughts. You know you must be careful voicing such opinions. Petting that dog… I needed a bit of life, but the thing is, I don’t deserve it. The good news is life makes it as hard as Six Impossible Things:

  1. I AM Finishing Reading, The Theta Timeline (Novel)
  2. I AM Finishing Gathering, My Braxton’s Albums
  3. I AM Sending Gulp Off To Be Published SIGH
  4. I AM Keeping It In My Pants (Day 001 No Fap) Real Girls Are An Exception
  5. I WILL Work On Getting My Tattoo Of Braxton
  6. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am

There are no rules other than those you have made for yourself that you won’t follow. How about the government you tell M Anime that you believe in? There are all the unwritten ones. For when you get out of this bed and face the people of this world. Man in the mirror. If anything, right now, you only want to finish this conversation in two hours and fifteen minutes. It’s only an idea that you feel deems you worthy of having a nap in the afternoon. Like in Blue Gender, when you’re asleep, the monsters can’t get you or B III, right? He Knows

Interestingly, I chose to break B III’s rule of coming home smelling like other dogs. Is that a Hell-worthy trespass… Yes, Rules Can B A…

203 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 051 ~To B A Winner~

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As the song goes, why do the things I hate come so naturally? In that case, I should learn to hate winning because losing is pretty easy. Hate my job; keep it. Love my dog, lose him. Writing is the one thing in balance… “To B A Winner”

Saturday, August 21, 2021

Chronicle 051 ~To B A Winner~

Hey Lady Lu,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but is that enough? Should I look up a trillionaire? Start with getting up on time.

Sure, when it comes to the Day Job that I hate. Earlier in the week, I set my alarms wrong, but I wanted to do something with my life, honest to God. But I made it to the Day Job. When it comes to disparaging myself. Oh no, I mustn’t be late for that. We only started talking, Luna, but how long will it be before I say something ugly about myself, I ask you? I killed my son. There it is, and how long has it been since I said that? We’re on Day 202. Living with Betrayal, Ninth Circle Treachery. I didn’t tell you last week about PetSmart. I’m sure I told one of the girls and Carolina Bound. Saturdays, PetSmart brings dogs.

I love Braxton. B III can’t be replaced. I can do my best Yoda impression or perhaps Mace Windu “he’s too old.” Of course, I’m talking about the dogs, more like he’s too big, hmm. B III spoiled me for small dogs and, in particular, Chihuahuas. An acquaintance offered me one, but you don’t start a conversation with “Where do you live.” Trust No One. Dammit, we’re not even having this conversation. I could find something else to do today. Yesterday I finally got to my Inbox. I could write about “Soulmates.” Finish a book. Think about my finances. Everyone’s predicting the end of days with OnlyFans. The new rules. It’s not like I made a dime. My mourning did cost me a pretty penny.

Not in a good way either, considering me being a monk and all and then not. I swear, everyone figured 2021 was going to be a new start. I’d kill to have 2020. Braxton was lived. But now, there is my fear of leaving the house. Agoraphobia; my Walmart accident. There’s what I was working on yesterday when everything I do should be for Braxton. Lady Luna, do I ever want to sign my name again to take on another life? After my B III. In the end, it doesn’t matter what I do. I write and never publish. Take my clothes off and so much for “Stuff And Thangs.” The one I love dies. It’s lonely at the top, but To B A Winner.

202 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 049 ~A Bark Named Braxton~

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Well, I’m saving a mess load of trees by not going through with publishing. I’m not annoying my neighbors, but I’ve cussed many men out for talking about B. And should I balk, bark, and bitch about that movie Soulmates? A Bark Named Braxton

Thursday, August 19, 2021

Chronicle 049 ~A Bark Named Braxton~

200 Days Without B III

Just Me Baby B,
Did you have a good day? You know I buy fries as much for myself as I do for you, B.

If you were anyone else, what would I say? Today was terrible, horrible, it sucked? As usual, “Humiliations Galore.” I bring food home, and we both stuff our faces, and then I drift off to sleep. On any given afternoon, I crawl into bed. You hold back the world, B. By the time I wake up, we would talk about any number of things. Last night I watched the Gofobo film festival. There was one film, “Soulmates.” I’ve viewed some disturbing leanings but damn, Braxton. With trying to forget about that (and I shouldn’t, nor should anyone else). I ended up voting for “Don’t Forget To Tip.” Speaking of voting, you remember how I ranted. YouTube SIGH. I’m pretty much a crazy man now that you aren’t here to listen.

Of course, what do I call this then? I didn’t even take my nap today. Too busy crying. It’s been 200 days, and I even said I was going to cry plenty today. Once this AM, then when I was on my way back. I ain’t going to lie, once at the Day Job, then while I was sitting here. How I wish I could be all romantic, dramatic, and melancholy crying into your book. I tell you this B III, trees are a lot safer with me around than you. If you could have seen the backyard, I was literally growing trees. The last time the yard looked decent… Saturday, January 30, 2021, B III. Your last walk besides going to your water bowl.

I wish I had your strength and I could get your book published. Hell, I can’t even walk downstairs most days and set myself to write or indeed edit. “My Turn to B III” yeah. Only in my dreams, and I did dream about you Wednesday. All the visions I have written out. But I knew that I was dreaming when I saw you. You didn’t bark. What’s to interpret? I’ll leave that to others when I get around to getting my tattoo. Yeah, I can see you giving me that look. It was as if you could read between the lines. Worthless words. Braxton, you had paws for a reason. Your barks are worth more than most voices. Speaking of A Bark Named Braxton.

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Chronicle 047 ~Birds And The B~

WillLeave a comment

Braxton, can you try not to hump the company. True story. B will give me one of his looks like, “well, Dad, if you’re not going to.” He was his father’s son, and sooner or later, I will have to give “The Talk,” someday, among others. Birds And The B.

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

Chronicle 047 ~Birds And The B~

Dear Future Wife,
I AM a Billionaire right now, but I never had it in me to have Braxton neutered. I’m a responsible parent, Ha-Ha.

This could be the second most feared conversation for a parent to have. The Birds and the Bees. Aren’t our kids a bit too young for that? Braxton was already an old man when I felt I needed to have such a conversation somehow. Braxton loved my third best friend. Hell, I never got “The Talk.” Everything I learned came from late nights with Cinemax. There was my discovery of Japanese Anime, and I mean more than Adult Swim. Hentai. I can tell you all about the first night I met Braxton. As for puberty, I rather forget it all. Well, I turned out alright… or instead Life, uh finds a way. Does Love? Well, I have us; we have a family, but a dog?

I don’t look forward to discipline. There is a song that goes, “Son, fear is the heart of love.” I will not be that sort of a father making our kids afraid. But how to talk to them at all? Now between the two of us, I hope they share our likes. But if they turn out to be jocks, religious, conservative, or prefer Star Trek to Star Wars. Um, have a little common sense. Then there is the idea of having a pet. You’ve seen first-hand what Braxton’s loss did to me. My Olds went through the wringer in their marriage but never got divorced. One of the few traditions I intend to carry on. Plus, I ain’t my father. Explaining a pet’s death.

There is so much you can teach a kid. You know how I am with music. “Son what you don’t understand. My words might never explain.” If I was a bit more like Robin Williams. I can speak of death. I can’t explain the feeling. Holding a dying love, waiting. The most I’ll give my Olds and God may I be a better man now than having to depend on them. Anyway, my relationship with them “it’s complicated.” Braxton and I… now that was love. You and I, this family. We’re okay, I say. Did anyone tell you how, though? I promised Braxton, but I don’t have his barks anymore. The birds and the bees are silent now. What is love? Birds And The B

198 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Chronicle 046 ~Decide To Accept Yourself Unconditionally~

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I don’t look at the “Man in the Mirror.” I would have to ask what I have become, and there is no answer for that. Does it matter as I would always say I could do better? B would think good enough. Decide To Accept Yourself Unconditionally.

Monday, August 16, 2021

Chronicle 046 ~Decide To Accept Yourself Unconditionally~

Two-Hundred And First Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now, and I would have no trouble accepting that as a Republican asshole.

To lie, cheat, steal, and kill. Not to get all political this early in the morning cough 7:20 AM. I would sell out for the right price. Speaking to M Anime, I told her that we all have a price tag. It’s called a paycheck. For the record, mine is nowhere near $15.00 an hour. Madam, I take it right, don’t I? I’m not the first to clock in or the last to leave, contrary to my playlist. Hell, those early days of Braxton’s death, I wanted to be anywhere else. Working the Day Job was acceptable. Only I say it every Sunday, the roughest thing with my Six Impossible Things. I WILL Be The Man My Son Thinks I Am. My Braxton wasn’t delusional.

Delusional, dumb, or dead. 197 days and counting as I refuse to accept the fact that Braxton’s gone. Even if I’m starting to talk to myself again because I can’t even pretend to speak to B III anymore. Every day is a struggle to remain that abstinent, asexual, agamist asshole. The things you learn when you’re looking for the word celibate. Anyway, I must accept what people think of me, so I spend all the time I can, hiding in the house, an asylum. Last night I had a nightmare about how I’ve let the backyard become overgrown for sure. Then it started raining, so it’s not like I can do anything about it now. Who am I kidding, right? I’ve had four days off.

There’s a difference between acknowledgment and acceptance. Notice that the rule says accept and not love. M Anime and Carolina Bound would say they love me. I’m 36, about to be 37, come Emergence Day, my first in 15+ years without Braxton. I’m a failure. Madam, what kind of man relies on his Olds the way that I do. If I didn’t have them, hmm? I acknowledge my failings in all my dealings and being a father, but I have yet to accept it never. If for any other reason, that I don’t know who the fuck I am (pardon my language). I hate that saying you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Braxton and I had unconditional love but now. Decide To Accept Yourself Unconditionally

197 Days Without B III

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will