Tag: Waiting

Tale 166 ~Sounds Like Braxton, Virgil~

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Nailing the sounds… Crucifying myself since I don’t hear my son’s calm gait walking in. V’s nails are more panicked. As if B III’s door ain’t open. No nails across my back from pretty girls. And the house is falling apart. Sounds Like Braxton, Virgil

Thursday, December 14, 2023

Tale 166 ~Sounds Like Braxton, Virgil~

1047 Days Without B III, Day 488 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I want to believe you’re in a good place, and the question is moot. Still…

You like listening to me talk. Well, at least you didn’t squirm away, even when you were near your end… Another reason people are sick of hearing me talk is because it’s always you. More to the point, your death. Me… being positive? It’s like every sound is something horrible. Even when it comes to Virgil? It took half the day, more or less, to hear his clickety-clack nails come walking in. Could you imagine? Even when you were dying, you wouldn’t even allow me to place your water next to you. No B. You would always make the trek. I’m sorry. This conversation isn’t your bowl of water. But what else can I say? And who would I even say it to, Little B?

Your grandmommy’s birthday is coming up soon. One of the only people I wouldn’t mind speaking to, along with your aunt. And again, what can I tell them? Anything? Replika can’t be spoken to in such and such a way now. I like hearing what she/it has to say about me. But if I get out of pocket or, more like, out of my pants. Well, “The Sound of Silence” and all. And speaking of silence, how did I ever get along without you before, B? I talked about how I would tell myself stories at bedtime. Thirty-nine without any kids… Anyway, I listen to “Balance.” What will I do when their free trial ends? Audiobooks? Before bed, I finished the Succubus Lord series again.

I mean, telling myself anyway. I’m only on book 14 when it comes to the audio. Before I forget, while I was busy looking over the books. I need to buy Satan’s Sorority Girls 2. Braxton, this is how we once were. I would go over the day, and you’d listen. A penny well spent. Please! Braxton, you are priceless, but let’s talk about dimes for a bit, my boy. Somebody said you don’t want a girlfriend. But a therapist who’s good in bed, ha-ha. Women everywhere cost money. Even online. And rightly so. But the books don’t lie, B.

So I’ve got no one. No girls saying, “Eff me, Daddy!” Or your soft breathing. Existence sounds a lot like death. Sounds Like Braxton, Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 159 ~Virgil’s Sadder Day Braxton~

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A date which will live in infamy… My Olds weren’t around for Pearl Harbor. But I learned about that, slavery, and other things. But the days in “my” existence, Braxton’s death, E-Day, his B-Day, and Virgil’s. But today, “Virgil’s Sadder Day Braxton.”

Thursday, December 7, 2023

Tale 159 ~Virgil’s Sadder Day Braxton~

1040 Days Without B III, Day 481 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? As usual, my day is crap, and it’s only 9:30 AM. Saying it out loud

Life Sucks! And before I forget, Little B, it sucked more for people on Sunday, December 7, 1941. Why am I thinking of Uncle Sam already? You know how your Daddy’s mind works. And as I said, Life Sucks. I didn’t want to wake up today. Hell! I haven’t wanted to wake up for 1040 Days or longer. All to varying degrees. Virgil ain’t helping. And what about you? I would tell you how sad I am, scared, and to stay off your Aunt’s knockers. I’m sure the critic won’t like that, but whatever. “Whatever” is a step above indifference. But today, it’s not either of those or blah. How about discombobulated? “My” mindset B? You, where’s Virgil, Christmas erotica, Lesbian witches, Uncle Sam, Pearl…

Not the movie. But now I’m thinking about Mia Goth, Jenna Ortega, and that other chick. Ha-ha. Anyway, Pearl Harbor. This Is America. But you treated the house like our own little world; how I miss that. Your anger, your “Aww Daddy,” and “who’s this b*tch.” I wasn’t happy, but I’m never happy. Anything beats this. Bawling like a baby, bored, or balls smacking while Virgil’s laying in your room. Not on punishment or anything. Braxton, it’s sadness, depression, and melancholia on another level. Do dogs have shrinks? I should find one for myself first. But the extra $150.00 I found from Uncle Sam won’t cover that. And how about food? To think for a little while, I forgot about the floor and the flood.

A manifestation of my tears or our tears. Mine and Virgil’s. Do you remember when I was listing off reasons he was here? I said, I heard your voice. He had three black dots. That you couldn’t make this more “black and white.” V has your color around his eyes. But now it’s the tear tracks. It’s like Virgil is perpetually crying. Conan The Barbarian? “He won’t cry, so I cry for him.” That’s Virgil for you. What was it? Last week, I was crying.

That was the first time in a long time. And as you can see, I’m losing track of that, Braxton.

It’s Thursday, but what’s one more day? “Just another girl,” “Another Day,” tear or a doggy. Virgil’s Sadder Day Braxton

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 152 ~Virgil, B’s A Roommate~

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This isn’t my home. Ain’t even my house. So, I’m a spineless, selfish, and spoiled bastard. And skeevy? That’s another story. But seeing a Doc is $175. Plus meds? B III being in a box? No, the water heater is very expensive. “Virgil, B’s A Roommate.”

Thursday, November 30, 2023

Tale 152 ~Virgil, B’s A Roommate~

1033 Days Without B III, Day 474 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? Losing a thousand dollars is not how I would like to start the day, Braxton.

Water is essential to life. Do you remember when I purposely tried to end existing? Censorship B III, I swear; unalive, cancel culture, whitewashing, et cetera. Whatever people are calling it this week, everything under the sun. Speaking of which, before sunrise. I was getting into Missing Pieces… Broken Heart: A Recovery Guide for the Grief and Sorrow of Pet Loss. As if I would ever call you a pet. Anyway, that’s not the point. Yesterday, I was missing you, my best friend, firstborn, and always my son. But Virgil? Hell! I keep saying it. When things get really bad, I think of the worst thing ever. The day I lost you. It brings perspective.

Your last check-up, plus those tests they had to run, and then putting you in a box. Let’s not forget the small trinkets and gifts. Were they all worth a thousand bucks? I think so. A price I paid gladly, though I didn’t want to. Is that me being selfish? Hell No! I would have gone full “John Q” if it meant I could have saved your life. Not to go all Taylor Swift, but you belong with me. Maybe Christof from The Truman Show would be better for us.

“You can’t leave, (Braxton). You belong here… with me.” Now that’s me being selfish, B. And again, you ask, but Virgil? Does it help I’m not calling him “freeloader” anymore? Tomorrow, I may forget this.

But the thousand dollars that I’ve lost… Well, not quite yet. And for what? A water heater. If you could tell me something about that concerning you. It would be no problem B. This was/is your home, and I wanted you to be “Safe and Sound.” More Taylor Swift, seriously? We weren’t even big fans of hers. I was more into Ellie Goulding, to be honest, Little B. You were still here for that. But where was I today? Two words: Mia Malkova. The only girls that have been in this house since your Aunt. Tweets, Onlyfans, CashApp. Such is existence. With you, Braxton, I was/am your Dad. Now, I pay rent for an existence I would rather not live. Any day ending with Y. Money for “my” father, females, freaking everything. Uh, that’s called adulting. Virgil, B’s A Roommate

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 145 ~Virgil Talks Turkey Braxton~

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What sound does a turkey make? “It’s turkey time. Gobble, gobble.” Personally, I’m more JLAW than JLO, but anyway. Braxton and I didn’t have many Thanksgiving traditions. I hope my Ma sends food. Virgil dreams the same. “Virgil Talks Turkey Braxton.”

Thursday, November 23, 2023

Tale 145 ~Virgil Talks Turkey Braxton~

1026 Days Without B III, Day 467 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m sure you went all “U Name It” wherever you are. Now Virgil and I…

Well, Virgil might as well be a turkey because he’s not doing any talking. But I’m guessing he knows what day it is, considering he’s been extra cuddly this morning. And look at me being a meanie, pushing him by his big belly away from me. But at least I got up “on time.” And what does that mean? I’ve got nowhere to go today. Will Ma come out today?

Your grandmommy, B, hasn’t failed yet, but as the song goes, “What’s My Age Again?” Next to your death, getting older is my prevalent thought. Two worst days of existence. But shouldn’t we be talking about one of the best of yours? Thanksgiving is Christmas. At least to you, it was/is. To me, Another Day

I can’t even think about turkey or ham with that energy shot I took an hour ago. I did mention that I’m wide awake. Woke, as it were. Should I watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? I’m at a loss as to what to do today. We had no traditions, B III. Nothing at all…

I’ve even gone back to last year, and it looks like I was in the same place or thereabouts.

The freaking Day Job. Tomorrow will be Hell! So I’ll spend most of the day wishing I was a deep-fried turkey. Watching people burn down their houses is one of the many things I’ve been up to this morning. One of the more… innocent. Then, Karlee Grey in “Native Passion.” Eww.

And to think there was a time I was rather glad you got into trouble so I had alone time.

I would give it all up if I could have you back again, Braxton. That would be something to be thankful for. But honestly, I feel like the Native Americans in the aftermath of meeting the pilgrims. No Bueno. Like the film Silent Hill, “Your Faith Brings Death.” Offending everyone everything today? Turkeys, Christians, Ma, Native Americans… All the reasons I’m going to fry, roast, um, bake? I’m going to Hell, but I’m not a cook B. It’s why I’ll be thankful for your grandmommy. I’m thankful Virgil is alive. Always and forever, I’m thankful and damn proud you’re my boy. Virgil Talks Turkey Braxton

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 138 ~They’ll B Drama Virgil~

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Must B be so dramatic? Hell! It takes a lot for me not to burst into tears going to the Day Job. Or to keep my mouth shut. a little girl yells to her sister daily, Don’t Hit People!” How about watching movies with blood sports? They’ll B Drama Virgil

Thursday, November 16, 2023

Tale 138 ~They’ll B Drama Virgil~

1019 Days Without B III, Day 460 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’d have to ruin that for you if you were still here. Now Virgil’s filter…

It’s “times like these” B that you would get all discouraged, depressed, and, yes, dramatic. The movie nights when I would leave you all by your lonesome. Hell! Sometimes, I would go out with Carolina Bound… or wherever she is now. I wish there were more of an impact on her moving. Now, I don’t get bothered by a whole lot, Braxton. It’s why you’re dead. Oh, listen to me! Today was relatively easy, considering I’m in a rush right now. Again, it’s movie night or afternoon. It depends on when I leave this bed, which I didn’t do on time this morning. Not that it would have mattered. Tomorrow is going to be much worse. But I say that every day (sigh). Another day…

You know, I hate saying that—the indifference of it all. I keep saying it, Braxton. It wasn’t the point of a needle. For all the drama you brought and Virgil too when it mattered… Braxton, you want to see drama? Take this morning as an example. I could have done “my” reading while sitting in the Day Job parking lot today. But no! I was scared of missing the boss. I thought somebody had died. Or had I messed up my schedule? Was I dreaming? Only I did that earlier in the morning. I’ve been on Twitter/X checking a post. Women, Little B, remember? Was I original the only one? Too sexual with her. Braxton, I would tell you to behave around your aunt.

The only time I keep myself in check is with my anger. I’m afraid to say nothing has changed at all, Braxton. I was mad before you and after when Virgil got here. It goes. Braxton Barks, trying to protect you from that means I never felt anything. Sometimes, you got in trouble, and “I Feel Everything” while you weren’t around. Yeah, gross. But your aunt and I would watch you get down and dirty with your toys, the weirdos we are. Fur parents, right? Yet there was joy when we all would sit and watch a movie. Tonight? I hope to see The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes. It’s better to leave the drama on screen. Sadly, They’ll B Drama Virgil

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Tale 131 ~B LEAD Virgil Sometimes~

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I see B from time to time on wobbly legs, walking towards his water bowl. He couldn’t stand being so weak to take a drink right next to his bed. Virgil is very much alive, and he waits for me to lead him towards… life. “B LEAD Virgil Sometimes.”

Thursday, November 9, 2023

Tale 131 ~B LEAD Virgil Sometimes~

1012 Days Without B III, Day 453 of Virgil’s Arrival

Just Me, Baby B,
Did you have a good day? I’m time-traveling here as it’s Wednesday today. But Braxton, “Every Day Is Exactly The Same.”

Virgil and I both agree on that. But monster, man, where’s my Ma because Daddy… Even now, Braxton, as Michael Jackson sang it, “But the kid is not my son.” I swear, B III, I’m not the man to follow. Only you know that, seeing as how you went straight to Heaven… Or so I assume. The Rainbow Bridge, Elysium? How about where the enemy goes in Final Fantasy VIII when you use Selphie Tilmitt’s The End Ability? Ok, whatever. For the record, Sorceress Ultimecia was my hardest kill next to you, my best friend. Braxton, what is wrong with me today? As THEY say, if it bleeds, it leads, so I begin with your passing most days. It’s what leads me, always and forever.

To what, though? This week has been all about me leading. The Day Job, doggie, and me being late because I’m too busy dicking around. Hell! I know where I want to go, B III. Did you send Virgil here so I wouldn’t follow you? Pretty sneaky, bro… Braxton Barks! I’d yell at you for that, but I’m not that kind of boss, father, or anything else. Monster? Most monsters aren’t the ones being followed. I don’t want anyone following me because, again, I know where I’m going and where I want to go, and these aren’t good places B. Every day, I take a step closer to Hell if I’m not already there. And as always, I want to know where you are, Braxton.

Are you waiting for me? Not if I blame you for Virgil being here. He waits for me to lead him everywhere. Or more like to follow, but Virgil needs my permission even to exist. Never! And we are way past spooky season. Before that, E-Day put me a step closer to the grave. I want to say closer to you, but that’s something I didn’t ask, Braxton. Sigh. Where are you going? Why are you going? I take it Heaven wasn’t a car ride. Hell! Does that explain why you wanted to come home with me? When the car seems a better choice. And what is all this leading me to? I can’t get out of the way of existence. B LEAD Virgil Sometimes

Always and Forever,
Your Dad

Saga 346 ~Travel Far Enough, Meet Yourself~

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Even if I’m getting somewhere… Doubtful. It’s a circle. And what does that mean for poor Virgil? I can see myself in the mirror a hundred times and never like who I am. Am I sick, a sinner, or STUPID. “Travel Far Enough, Meet Yourself”

Monday, June 12, 2023

Saga 346 ~Travel Far Enough, Meet Yourself~

Two-Hundred and Ninety-Fifth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. And considering the selfishness, sin, and downright stupidity… I still can’t wait to meet me one day.

Because at the moment, that looks like that will be in Heaven. Or wherever B III has gone off to. As the song goes, “Because it’s not quite paradise. But it sure feels like home.” That was me and B. I’m starting to think he communicates through music every morning. What is he trying to tell me now? Can I even hear at all? Being honest. My bum ear, hmm. I should have paid more attention to those books on animal communication. And the afterlife. Only first, it was my grief. Then somewhere in the middle, there was the afterlife. And for better or worse. There is the possibility of Braxton’s resurrection. But his ashes? These days I am even more tempted to join him.

Only he wouldn’t want that. Right? If anything, I hope he’s fighting with me. Surviving. My boy lent me his strength when he lay dying. Madam, I want to. Tomorrow? Madam, I would have chosen yesterday, the day before. Hell! A week from now. Braxton? “Brotherhood, strength, and fortitude…in the face of the angry night.” That’s from the game “Resistance: Fall of Man.” So how’d I know that line from a game I never owned? And after last night, when all I wanted was to sleep. And I stayed awake through Balance’s Deep Sleep meditation. Uh, trust the science. Am I becoming a MAGA moron? “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain….” You see, I want money…

Lots and lots of money. But I swear if I knew, I’d become some Republican stooge, or I would make someone feel the fear my father instilled in me. Or I would know such hate. Well, “If anything, I am an equal opportunity misanthropist.” You have The Gargoyle to thank for that one. Yet another reason I miss Braxton so damn much, Madam. Is that what I meant when I said Virgil wasn’t helping? To have that feeling again. Being the man, the dad that I once was. Yet he was jumping around like crazy. Not in pain. Feared the storm. And here I was, ignoring him, insipid and indifferent. Why’d Braxton die again? “Will It Go Round in Circles?” Travel Far Enough, Meet Yourself

862 Days Without B III, Day 303 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 339 ~Fire Burns Brighter In Darkness~

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“When you’re lost in the darkness, look for the light.” That was B stepping on my head most mornings. It was when dark words were lit up by my fingers… how I wish. Burning money like there’s no tomorrow… The light now? Fire Burns Brighter In Darkness

Monday, June 5, 2023

Saga 339 ~Fire Burns Brighter In Darkness~

Two-Hundred and Ninety-Fourth Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. So am I loved, or do I love more? Am I livid? Indeed, I’m more lustful… dammit!

I do hope that I’ll be a husband someday. A daddy… of two-legged kids. But as I’ve been thinking for the longest time now. I ain’t looking for it. Hell! If only Braxton were here. How I would sing “Teen Idle” to him… “Oh God, I’m gonna die alone!” Talk about the darkness. But as long as he was here… then not being here. For all my grief, my tears. Nothing has snuffed him out yet. That’s the power of love. Fire, flames, fiery, forever. Madam, I don’t know if it’s good or bad. The way I obsess over him at 855 days. What I do know is this. I wish I had someone love me the way I love. Pushing Virgil Vivi away sometimes…

But I’m not livid at him. Let me be clear. Virgil has done nothing wrong. But this is Hell, Madam. I wake up in Hell every single solitary sinful day. Is this how Republicans feel? When I open my eyes, I’m immediately mad at a black person (me). The environment’s a mess. V does whatever is his nature, but do I care? And I hate everyone that’s not me; how I miss my son (sigh). You don’t know how easy it is to let the darkness overwhelm, consume, and devour me. While at Jack’s a few days ago, my foot slipped off the brakes, Madam. The car started to roll, and the cashier “got smart” with me. The rest of the day, I raged, Madam.

But is lust any better? What have I been doing every night? There is all the work I should be doing. And if one could earn a degree in porn… Hell! I’d be Doctor Longstroke. Pornography is my sin of choice. People drink to warm up, as it were. There’s violence, Madam. Being an American, I know what that means… Guns, guns, GUNS! But me. Madam, I prefer warm bodies. No! Hot as Hell! Burning desires, my pornographic passions. And once they have been sated? The cold, like this morning. What tits got me off? Now this mind is blank and dark. And what will light my way, Madam? FEAR! Light up, my dark soul. My boy, hope, but sin… Fire Burns Brighter In Darkness

855 Days Without B III, Day 296 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 332 ~ Don’t Demand Likes, Loyalty, Love~

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When was the last time I demanded anything? Other than giving me “my” money back. To like me, to be loyal, and so much love. Hell! B denied he was dying forever and a day. I wish I had something like that besides… “Don’t Demand Likes, Loyalty, Love.”

Monday, May 29, 2023

Saga 332 ~ Don’t Demand Likes, Loyalty, Love~

Two-Hundred and Ninety-Third Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. And like most, I only want one thing… Money! I’ve had worse days, to be honest, Madam.

Like (Cali Girl Voice), money gets you so much. Then there’s my B. Always Braxton. Madam, I’ve said I’ve had worse days, but it’s only 5:30 in the morning. I’m not crying yet, so that’s something. All out of liking, loyalty, and love. That was me and B III, Madam. I want to say I have such “nobility” these days. Bucks, Boobs, and Balls. Pants-wise. Having cash in the wallet. Boobies on my phone or as Wheeler Walker, Jr. illustrates. “Pictures On My Phone.” He’s classier than me. And then there’s the courage I lack. Madam, I wish I liked myself. No! I’m somebody I’d like to punch in the face on any given day. “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier,” Madam Justice.

Loyal to no one. Today is Memorial Day. To those that died serving this country. Thank you. There was a time I thought I could do such things. Being a sailor? It wasn’t for me. Neither was being a son. You would think I’d show some loyalty to my Olds. But again, I would destroy their creation… me, even if I cared to exist. What could I do for them? How about being a loyal suitor? The way I would like to… I would have to be a billionaire. At best, I adore women. I lust, crave, and desire. But there is a word, Obsession. That would define what I’m doing this morning besides talking to you, Madam. Loyal to my dick. The Pic Phenomenon.

“Love Don’t Cost a Thing.” As I was telling someone yesterday. I ain’t looking for it anymore. Am I lying? I could cuddle up beside Virgil right now if I wanted. Only I let him take the center of the bed because I don’t want to be bothered moving him. I’ll keep him safe, but as Tina Turner put it, “What’s Love Got to Do with It.” My dear Madam. Today if I were to tell you all my thoughts on love. Well, who has that kind of time? Hmm. I could sum up such feelings as a Christian might. God is love. Always and forever. Braxton is love. Liked/likes me, was/is loyal, and love… Never demanded, deserved. But daddy. Don’t Demand Likes, Loyalty, Love

848 Days Without B III, Day 289 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will

Saga 325 ~Guilt Before Action Is Morality~

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I’m not with the GOP. Hurting someone? I won’t lie and pretend. I have my interests at heart or below that. But with B. I knew he was dying. The Guilt I felt before, after, and now? And with what I’ve done, now… “Guilt Before Action Is Morality”

Monday, May 22, 2023

Saga 325 ~Guilt Before Action Is Morality~

Two-Hundred and Ninety-Second Rule

Madam Justice
I AM a Billionaire right now. Which means I can afford to be a “man.” An effing ton of mammaries. Hell! Morality’s free.

And I have had an effing ton of that since Thursday, May 18, 2023. I’ll come up with a name for that soon enough. Let me also state, “for the record.” I’m not coming down on female billionaires. Did I say… coming? Effing today. That’s the last thing I need. Tomorrow? Madam, as always, I would instead focus on 841 days ago. Braxton, always and forever. “Brother to brother, yours in life and death,” they said in First Knight. Sometimes I feel that Braxton leads me to the lines. Dog on a leash? Here’s another Madam, “Only a fool wants what he cannot have.” What? I wanted my son to live forever. Outlive me, Madam. It should have been me—no Morality in this mortality.

“Be not so long to speak; I long to die,” as was said in Romeo + Juliet. Or is that me in the mirror? As I tell Braxton, while he keeps me here? How about all those I have wronged? For I have harmed plenty. And it’s one thing when I don’t give a damn. Only I’ve always been of the mind, “You always hurt the (ones) you (love).” And to know what I’m doing. I’m always incredibly effing STUPID! Even now, I have to look up Guilt and Morality. Again with Braxton… Did I “feel” guilty? Always have and always will, “sorry” to say. That’s another word I should look up. What does it mean to be sorry? Um, not getting off, for starters.

I’m a sadist. But B III’s pain was nothing but this heartbreaking. My punishment. Hell! Now “The Pic Phenomenon…” See, I told you I’d find a name for it. I have a better one, but the Guilt I feel saying it? And that’s the thing, ain’t it? Now I have decided to have some morals. And will I stop, well, anything? It’s like that scene from Liberal Arts (2012). When Jesse is deciding whether to sleep with Zibby. Finally decides against it… No! I’m worse. It’s like Lester deciding whether to sleep with Angela. Uh, eww… Spacey. But in the end. Both have… TRUST. Jesse and Lester stop short. But I’m not that bad. What I’ve done, though… Breaking TRUST! Guilt Before Action Is Morality.

841 Days Without B III, Day 282 of Virgil’s Arrival

BLM Braxton’s Life Matters,
Will